Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Refusing To Be Erased

Here is my National Coming Out Day blog post. Some of this I will have said before, and some of It will be new, but I feel like these posts are like onions, and pastry crusts, full of layers. So I will peel another back today.
As Twitter greeted  me this morning with all its many tweet alerts, I first noticed that Eminem had apparently rapped something that even had Ellen Degeneres and my favorite vegan soccer players taking note. And then of course the epic melt down of us soccer fans and a decent into bickering over wether or not the women deserved fair pay and treatment when the men were so abysmal.
But finally, finally after all that, Twitter let me know it was 1) the day of the girl and 2) national comming out day.
So today, all I could think about was how after I came out, at least one of my aunt's  (I remeber one specifically, but I have many many aunt's so there could have been more) asked me a question. "When did you know?"  And I figured probably more people have that question.
I answered my aunt fairly quickly and simply, but it took me 28 years on this planet to fully come out to myself, so my answer of "about since I was five" though accurate, isn't really the whole story.
When I think back to my earliest memories, what I remeber most was that I hated frilly girl stuff. I hated pink, and lace, and dolls, I hated stupid gender rolls and patriarchy. I had a raging temper that stoked when I was told the boys got to do  the "cool stuff", and I was expected to do the "dumby girly stuff".  More than that, I could see even at the young age of around 5 ish, that men and boys got treated way better at church, at home, on tv.
And I was not ok with it. And that had nothing to do with sexual orientation. I was a tomboy, and probably a raging young feminist before I could even understand the concept of equal pay for equal play.
This small detour is not a rambling tangent, it's intentional. When as an adult, trying to fit into a box of sexual orientation that I didn't, I spent a year or two reading books about what went wrong with me, and why. Those books were horse shit. And their theories completely unfounded. But they added to my interesting life puzzle I spent decades on figuring out just who I am.
Around that same time, I remember that I liked boys and girls. And that sometimes I was sad that even though my male friend my age down the road was someone I was constantly being told I should one day consider marrying, because it would be so cute, my female friend my age at the other end, or the one from school, I was just supposed to be friends with.  But what if I liked the girl more?
Those were simple child hood times, and I don't know how much depth we can give to those. 
When I truly want to think on that moment that I knew, then I go to around the age of ten. By then I knew what a crush was, and i started to really get confused by it, mostly because I don't think I had words for it.  There was a boy, I really liked him. I sang Trisha Yearwood songs about us running away and getting married.  And I kissed him behind an old car  one day.
And there were other girls. Lots of other girls. One girl in particular I was super crushing on. I used to hang out with her a lot in 4th grade. I thought she was the most amazing person ever. But I felt weird about it, because I was feeling things I was told I wasn't supposed to and it scared me, and eventually we just went our seperate ways.

I remeber a family trip to chrystal hot springs around that time. I remeber distinctly, sitting in a hot spring pool, and going, 'hey, that girl is really cute, what if I'm gay?' And then seeing a really cute boy and thinking 'Well, I can't be gay, because I think he's really cute too. So if I like boys, I'm must be ok."   It was very culturally reinforced at this time my life that being gay was very very bad, and it would mean something was wrong with me, so I couldn't be that. 
Jr high came, and everytime a certain cheer leader would talk to me, I would blush. And then I would feel stupid about it, because what if she knew I liked her? But when the cute boy would talk to me and I would blush, I was relieved, maybe I could fit in the boxes I was supposed to.
We don't have all night, so I'm gonna fast forward. The struggle was real, and it continued, in high school, then college. I had a crush on this or that roommate,  but THAT must be just really strong feelings of friendship, because I really liked that hot guy in German class, but I kind of liked her more.   When I was in 9th grade a friend came out to me as bisexual, and it freaked me the heck out. I wanted to say me Too! But I couldn't. I knew then, by college, that bisexuality was a thing, but some how it didnt really exist, because as long as I could find a guy I liked... I was "normal" and it would be "ok", no one needed to know.
Fast forward a decade or so. Home from my mission by about five years. I had almost started to come out, and panicked and went right back into the closet, in ultra high pray the gay away mode. I was attracted to men. Just find one you like, and make it work. I tried and tried and tried, and I genuinely was attracted to the guys physically.
One of my then boy friends sucked marshmallow goo off my fingers, and I knew I wasn't gay. Very sexually repressed Mormon, but totally not gay. And at the same time had very gay feelings for one of my best friends.  And again, I was confused. Because I was trying really hard to choose the really hot guy, but it just wasn't working for me.
Soon the pressure got to be much and I finally started the very slow, long process of coming out, first to trusted friends, then to my family, and then to the world. And from day one I came out as bisexual, because I knew I was. But every time I questioned, am I? Because everyone is saying it's a phase. Am I? Because I definetly  have a preference for women, and I'm not sure I ever want to date men again.
And them I started dating women. And sometimes they couldn't handle that I was bisexual, because they thought that meant I would leave them for a man? Even though I very clearly preferes women, and that's a pretty low risk that would ever happen. And I thought, should I just make it easier and say I'm a lesbian?  But I couldn't do that, because I had just fought so hard to claim my identity.
I remeber sitting with bishops telling me it was great I was bisexual, and I just needed to marry a man, and that would fix everything. I knew from years of dating experience that was utter crap. I had family members tell me it was just like an addiction or an illness and after some counselling and prayer I could over come it,  and that was after I had read all the books, and prayed, and gone to "lds addiction  recovery" and years of counseling.
No. After all that, I had claimed who I was. I was finally at peace and happy, and I wasn't going back there to make anyone else comfortable, gay or straight. I was not going to pick a team. Because most likely I will end up with a woman again,  but I have had meaningful experiences and true attraction to men. And it would be a lie to deny that, even if its blue moon rate that my feelings for them are much beyond a mixture of strong sexual attraction and mild friendship.
And at the same time, I am mostly attracted to women, in a total package kind of way.  But what happens if one day I end up in a relationship with a man, and like the vast majority of my bisexual lady friends, I suddenly am made to feel less than welcome in queer spaces? Nothing more than an ally, because of a relationship that would invalidate my feelings and previous experiences in their eyes.
Everyone seems to think it's a phase. And listening to Queery with Cameron Espisito and Rebecca Sugar today finally helped me understand why. We have conditioned ourselves to put the sexual orientation of people as weighted mostly on their relationship status and sexual histories.
I have a friend that I've had discussions with, and would probably say he is bisexual leaning heavily gay. When he took the kensey  scale test online, it told him he was like a 1 or 2, so nearly straight, but he would say that is not true. Based on his feelings and internal experiences. But the kensey scale like our culture weighs heavily on relationship and sexual experiences.

Not to get too into my friends business, the point of this is, if I am with a woman, I am bisexual. If I end up with a man for the rest of my life, I'm still bisexual. I'm still queer, I will never be straight. I can't just blend in, but I can be erased, and I could be erased by either the straight community, or the gay community depending on my relationship, but that doesn't change who I am.

And one of many reason bisexuals, even if they have never been in a same sex relationship, are a part of the queer community, is because those feelings and those struggles that are carried  out in closets, and hearts are just as deeply queer experiences as anyone else's.  We throw gender into the mix and recognize that bisexuals include gender non conforming, non binary, intersexed, and trans people (because sexual orientation and gender identity are seperate non attached things) and  the bisexuals get clearly as queer as anyone else, wether they are passing or not.  It's not a choice, who you fall in love with, and it's not something to change or fight against. To be bisexual, to be gay, to be lesbian, to be queer is a beautiful wonderful, and sometimes exquisitely painful, and sometimes exqusitly joyful thing.
It is a journey and a process in a world that still often tries to get rid of us, and I am happy to be at a stage in life where I know who I am, and I am safe enough, and have a strong enough community supporting me to be proudly and openly 100% me, with out feeling the slightest bit broken, damaged, or in need of repair.
And since it took me so much time, and cost me so many hard fought battles to get to that place, I will not be erased again. And because of this part of my life, I now dare also to take up space and not make myself small in any other part of my life.
Happy day of the girl, and happy national comming out day.
Love and peace to any who cannot safely come out. If you need a friend to safely tell your story to, feel free to message me.

Daring To Take Up Space: Mandi-Spreading

Commuting on the fast ferry brought me to a whole new world. The seats there are a little more narrow than they are on the regular ferry. Normally this isn't an issue, but occasionally I have had the displeasure of sitting by a man-spreader.

I can't remember exactly when it happened; normally in tight  spaces I exaggurate my smallness, and shrink myself so that everyone can have adequet space. But one day, on the fast ferry, a manspreader sat by me, and I just couldn't. I thought, why am I working so hard to make myself small, so that this person can delve into my space bubble when he doesn't have any reason to.

In that moment I decided I would start taking up space physically. I would not make myself small. I fought off manspreaders  by man spreading. If a non manspreaders sat down beside me, I would relinquish the space so that I took up not more, or less, but just what I needed.

Then one day, a very large man sat down beside me. And I decided, as he was trying to make himself small and was clearly very uncomfortable in his seat, that, in this particular instance, I would make myself physically, a bit smaller. Not to relinquish my power, or my space, but because I know larger people and I have heard and seen their problems in travel, and the judgement they get. In this instance, I felt that by conciding  some of my space, I was giving more of it to both of us.

And a very physical thing taught me a very real lesson about adaptability, and seeing and hearing eachother, and when to stand your ground and when to stand down.

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. I wanted to post yesterday about another kind of space, space to exist, to be you, to be loved as you are, and learning to Mandi-spread when you need emotional and mental help, from your friends, from society, from a professional, whatever and where ever you are.

I've had a lot of friends talk to me lately going through hard times. They often appologize for bothering me, for being a burden, or for taking up space. I've been there, I've felt that. I am forever greatful for the friends I have that let me know that they loved me, they enjoy me, and they want me to take up my space with them. Sometimes people are busy or emotionally burdened and we can't always be there for eachother, but true friends will be honest with you about the level of there for you they can be. And they have a way of letting you know, they want you in that space,  and that it's just a temporary overwhelm that restricts them from doing more

That was one interesting part for me, moving into the Mandi-cave, as we call it, has also taught me a lot. In all my discussion leading up to and moving into my new place, what happened the most was the discovery that my friend seemed to have as many anxieties as me about me not wanting to be there, as I did about her and her family not wanting me to be there. Once we established that we both wanted me there, we could have clear and useful discussions about the logistics of it all.

Humans were not meant to live in isolation. We were meant to be in comunities, and to work together in connected ways. When we come together in community, our loads become bearable, even when we take on more from eachother, because we no longer are taking on everything for ourselves. We can play to our strengths and our needs and accommodate eachother in a way that provides adequet space for everyone, without making anyone feel small.

The past month or so of my life has been amazing. I hope that I am providing something as useful to my friend and her family as they have provided for me. By having a community literally dwelling around me, everything is just easier to manage, and less overwhelming, even on the crazy days, just because I can come home and say to another human, 'how was your day' face to face. I don't know if I would have appreciated what a difference that makes, without having experienced years without it.

To my friends that are struggling, that need someone to talk to, but are afraid to be a burden, to exist, to take up space and time-
I want you to. I want you to reach out to me, and I am happy when you do. I may not always be able to respond to you right away, I may not always have the energy to help and to talk.  But I always want you to reach out to me, and I always want to have the energy to help and be there for you. Know that I love you, I'm glad that you exist, that you take up space, and that you have reached out to me. I love you. You are valid, and worthy, and worth every ounce of energy I can give you. You give back to me in ways you may never know. Don't hesitate to reach out to me. If I can't talk, it will never be because I don't want to, and you will never know if I am able if you don't ask.

If you have a question for me, ask it. It may take time, but you will get an answer.  We are in this together. I cannot do it without you, and I don't want you to just 'get through' this life without me. I want to be on your team. Reach out. Do your own spreading. The world gains nothing by me or you making ourselves small.

Love,  Mandi

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Things That Make My Sports Loving Bi (Leaning Gay) Heart Feel Glorious

"Glorious"  David Archuleta
There are times when you might feel aimless, and can't see the places where you belong.
But you will find that there is a purpose it's been there within you all along.
And when you're near it you can almost hear it.

And you will know how to let it ring out, as you discover who you are.
Others around you will start to wake up to the sounds that are in their hearts.
It's so amazing what we're all creating

It's like a symphony, just keep listening, and pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part.
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies in each one of us.
Oohhh it's glorious

Many times I have heard people say that "Representation matters."  It does, but that phrase doesn't explain anything. Seeing pieces of yourself, seeing your dreams and hopes for yourself  reflected in the world around you both fictional and real can create hope, inspiration, and spark life changes of monumental proportions.  Its  like something that you had no idea how badly you needed until you get a taste of it, and then its like your favorite highly nutritious food. Every part of you feels better because it exists, and you realize you really needed that and you will keep needing it.

And I guess that's something I experienced again today when Sue Bird of the Seattle Storm said she was dating Megan Rapinoe of the Seattle Reign.  And it wasn't just being open about being gay, or who she was dating, it was the pieces of her public journey that she shared, the times she had considered saying something, but the time wasn't right for her yet. There is something about this that I related to, and it sparked a hope for me at a time when I need it. Hope in love, in relationships, in continuing to try, and continuing to connect. 

  A power couple, isn't just two powerful people, two famous people getting together. A true power couple are such people that individually inspire and raise other people up, who get together and create a power explosion for the world, or at least some corner of it.  Today I felt that kind of emotional explosion and it still brings me to tears.  

So what I desire to share today, are some of the people, fictional and real  that took an aimless Mandi, Struggling to find where I belong and just by their being themselves helped me "start to wake up to the sounds that are in (my) heart", that showed me a place, I could exist as my full amazing self,   with a purpose that had "been there within (me) all along"  Just by being near it, I could hear it and I did figure out my part.  ok enough quoting song lyrics, here are some of the power couples, individuals, and works that make me feel glorious (in no particular order).

1) Ellen DeGeneres.  I've written about this before, but even before Ellen came out,  her sitcom characters fashion style was one of the few I felt I could connect to as a young teen. When she came out, it was so powerful that I was both grateful and terrified by it.

2) All the people from my high school that have come out since we graduated, and the one that came out before.  Knowing that I was surrounded by you in my youth, and had no idea, has made adult Mandi  feel a lot better about my struggles as a youth. I remember running into one such Alum at Provo Pride, and she said to me "Can you imagine if we had all known and been there for each other in High School?"  Wow! yeah. I have been imagining it. It would have been less lonely, and it might have been life changing, but it is life changing enough for me to know that you exist now, and it is good enough for me to have you and not be alone now.  Many times you gave me great courage.

3) My friends and family that have been unconditionally there for me. I know I don't need to fear life because of you, and you continue to bring the greatest meaning to my life. especially you girlfriends ;) (you know who you are).

4) Sara Ramierez.    Sara Ramierez , both as the character Callie Torres, and as herself has been such a great inspiration in not hiding your bisexual self, no matter where you fit on that spectrum of bisexuality.  and one of my favorite moments of all was this video she did with Mary Lambert, whos music has also been a great source of inspiration.

5) also Mary Lambert.

6) This Music Video from Miike Snow. Like. I love this so much!

7) Halsey.   Her latest album, and her choice to knowingly alternate pronouns of the love interests of many of her songs, and then this duet to top it all off.

8) Selena Gomez' video for Bad Liar. I watched it 20 times bisexual (as opposed to 20 times straight)

9) Krashlyn. By Krashlyn I mean Ashlyn Harris individually, or with Ali Krieger, or even the strong possibility of that being a thing,  and mostly by Krashlyn I also mean that time Ashlyn went on Kyle Kriegers youtube channel and also Kyle Krieger, because every combination of  any of those three together or alone is at minimum entertaining, if not educational and or inspiring to me. 

10) My Abby Wambach poster.  I mean. I also find Abby Wambach inspiring, but my best friend gave me a poster, and I talk to it every day, and ask it questions like "Dear Abby, what is the meaning of my life? why am I up at 5 am"  She always has an answer for me, from the depths of my own head. Also, the real Abby Wambach wrote a really great book and played some mad soccer.

11) Haley Kopmeyer.  Because that woman can Goalie. And she is the funniest, coolest, nicest person ever and regularly makes my day either on twitter, at games, or on her Stops With Kop

12) This guy, because he is my best friend and is always there for me. ALWAYS.

13) Megan Rapinoe  individually, as well as Sue Bird individually, but also collectively. I don't need to explain this further.

14) BritAnna. If you haven't seen Glee. Go watch.  but I love these two especially.

15) Eve Muirhead.  She's just a super inspiring athlete, and her curling abilities sparked a lot of change in my life, and determination to go for things and stop saying "I can't" .

16) Xena Warrior princess, Ghostbusters (especially Kate McKinnon), the L Word, Glee,  Wonder Woman, and the fact that two of these will soon be getting a TV reboot!!!

17) Johanna Lohman (Amazing soccer player with awesome hair), the ladies of Backline soccer, and especially Jackie Porter, one of my favorite people on twitter, the Seattle Reign and my friends at the Royal Guard.

Not all these people, or characters are gay or bi, many are. Some of them are just athletes, some of them have done music videos and things that bring my soul joy because they  included gay/bi characters. some of them are just inspirations in my life that some how struck me in a very inspiring personal way.  Some of them inspire me with their fashions, or their talent.  Everyone on this list and many more have made me feel connection to life that drives me forward to keep finding my voice. And that is why I have chosen to put them here today. 

To celebrities like Sue Bird, that  do things like she did today, that share those pieces of themselves with the world, even though that's not really their thing, I just have to say I'm really grateful because sometimes life is hard, and that gives me energy to keep going, to keep putting myself out there, and to keep- well, putting myself out there and going on dates and meeting new people. which can be quite scary. I may have a date this Saturday, unless she ghosts on me. But If I do, I'm terrified that it might go horribly, because I am really hoping she doesn't and it doesn't.  But after everything I've been through its hard to believe that it wont go horribly, and its hard to keep putting myself out there. But if I can see others, my friends, or complete stranger celebrities then I can start to imagine success for myself, and it becomes a little more likely to happen.

because "It's like a symphony, just keep listening, and pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part.
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies in each one of us.
Oohhh it's glorious"

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Or Are We Dancers?

I will be the first to admit that I am best at enjoying things in the moment. After the moment passes, the second I start to get tired, I hate everything and I feel a bit depressed and I swear I'm gonna stop doing things that bring me joy in the moment.

Then I get some sleep, some alone time. I introvert, and then I'm right back at it.

After a long day of Volunteering and Soccering, I came home as tantrum throwing as any two year old, and completely miserable, because I'm completely exhausted. And then I caught myself, and I realized I was just tired. It was a pretty incredible and awesome day.

This morning I got up and started getting ready for the game. I couldn't decide what jersey to wear, so I jumped in the shower. When I got out, my mom had called. I called her back and we had a surprisingly long chat that started with soccer. She sent me a BYU shirt to have Ashley Hatch sign for her when they Reign play North Carolina.

It was a wonderful moment because my mom and I always shared a passion for sports, and we haven't really found that connection a whole lot for  few years now, but we talked for about 15 minutes about our superstitiousness with sports.  She tried to help me solve my jersey delima, a very superstitious problem.

And then it was time to go. I left a ferry early to get to the stadium on time. I was going to go to Mod  Pizza before volunteering, since they helped save my friend a month or two ago after a 5k. But when I got there I wasn't hungry, and the line was insane. I decided to go spend my hour before volunteering over by the fountain. It plays music and shoots water, and it's designed for people to play in, and it was a beautiful day.

As I selected my seat on the edge of the fountain. It was crowded, but it didn't take long for a bunch of possibly 16 year old guys to catch my attention.

One of them stood in third position (something I also randomly do when standing) on the edge waiting for the fountain to spray, and then he would run. I noticed his friends, their posture, the arch in their backs, and that butt thing that only happens with male figure skaters and ballet dancers. I recognized something about these kids that was familiar to me, and it brought me deep joy.

Soon they began to almost dance with the fountain, running to it, and from it doing the most extraordinary things with their feet.

The time came, and I had to leave. But before I went, I approached one of them and asked if they were dancers. He said yes, and I said 'I knew  it! I could  tell by your posture, I used to be a figure skater.'

Him and his friends got really excited about that, they had mad respect for figure skaters. It was really cool talking to these young men, who also thought my 10+ year old sun glasses were the coolest thing ever.

I left on a high, then I went and worked hard moving metal gates, and putting up soccer flags with my volunteer friends.

Eventually the game started, and it was a decent game even though the balls struggled to hit the back of the net. I've found that the thing I love most about a soccer game, is the same thing I loved about those boys at the fountain.

The most beautiful part of soccer for me is when it turns into a dance with a player (or two), a ball, and an opposing player (or two).

It happens every single game. One moment, sometimes twenty. It's like watching one of the most beautiful things on earth to see someone do things like that with their feet.

My favorite thing in figure skating to do was always jumps, but my favorite thing to watch is mad footwork. And I enjoyed doing a few mad footwork moves on ice as well. It was just so much work to get it, and harder to fall out of without getting hurt.

Thinking of all of this, I just think that the Killers asked the right question. Are we human? Or are we dancers?

To be human, is to dance. In whatever mode you employ it. Dance is human. Dance connects us. Dance elevates us. Dance brings out the most beautiful moments.

To rember to dance, to remember to see the dance, that is how I rember to see beauty when I am tired.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Pardon Me While I Fan Girl

Good evening my lovelies. I am writing you from the Bainbridge ferry. I have an hour and a half still until I am home for the night, and about 30 mins until we disembark this vessel.

Tonight I have decided that this stupid perma grin  on my face means it's time for me to share a very sacred experience with you all. I've been meaning for a while to blog about my days volunteering for the reign games. I've met the most amazing people, and had the most extraordinary experiences. But it's hard to share them because well...

I've been thinking a lot lately about it.  Ooo. Time out, this is perfect, someone is playing the sweetest violin  music on the ferry, while a camera flash lights up the blackness of the Sound before me.

Some of my friends have noticed my missionary like zeal for Reign games. What can I say, I am a former Mormon return missionary turned humanist that has always found life's deepest inspiration in sports. In Mormon terms, it's always where I have most "felt the spirit."

As my best friend has said, post Mormons are pretty much the same as their pre Mormon Selfs just they have to find a new way to direct their previous zeal and energy.

I always loved doing service projects, anything meaningful that put back into the community. I didn't necessarily love missionary work, but I did love when there was something meaningful to me that I could include someone else in, and they could appreciate and enjoy it with me.

That's the piece of me that hasn't change. I have season tickets, so I don't need to volunteer to go to these games. I do it, because I have found something deeply meaningful and inspiring to me in women's soccer. Strange that, for a former figure skater, I thought it would be curling.

But here we are, deeply in love with soccer, which has no intoxicating crisp ice smell. And since I have found, sort of this new "church" if you will, more a place to fill my empty energy bucket and find hope in humanity at regular intervals, naturally I'm gonna want to some how be a part of contributing my energy to that, in as many diverse ways as possible. So I volunteer. And I love it. And I share that love, and offer the opportunity to any of my friends that want to join in and experience a game with me. For it is something far better experienced together, shared.

Well, I think I'd better get on to tonight. Today I volunteered before the game. It was an excellent experience that I enjoyed as much as ever.  It included a small surprise, when Megan Rapinoes twin showed up next to the Reign retail shop where I was setting up, to set up her shop for the match. She was there for a good 20 mins talking to us and stuff.

I've had practice with this, keeping my fan girling internal when I volunteered for US nationals and sat next to Michelle Kwans family, before I patched Ice for Michelle Kwan. Or during the 2002 Olympics, when I took care of accreditation for Wayne Gretzki, Brooks and Dunn, etc.

I kept my fan girling inside. Head down focus on your work. Done. No problem.

Then my shift was over, my friends came and I was released to enjoy the match with them. They have a young daughter who is just getting in to soccer. My goal for the night was to make sure she had a great experience, and her parents, and that I cheered and we beat the thorns. All of that happened. It was great.

But also, because we were playing the thorns, I decided to do my hair into the Reign lady crown, and hair chalk the center silver, and the outside blue. And I did my war paint make up.

So at the end of the night,  I went down to the fan zone 100% focused on making sure that girl got a good spot for autographs, and helping them out. I stood three people back, and was just taking on an advisory roll. I was content with that tonight. Then Haley Kopmyer noticed me and my crazy hair, and shot a fist bump my way.

And then she walked away, and I lost my sh!t.  I've been fan girling ever since. Like... do I have a bucket list? I don't think that was on it, but you can cross out 10 other things for that one.

I usually keep my cool, but it's all gone tonight. I'm like... um... giddy. Weird.

Kops  is awesome, and fun, and inspiring. And I'm pretty please. And I was not even expecting that at all. I was in my this is my home, you are my guest, let me take care of you mode, and then I became the honored guest.

And words fail me, but that fuel is gonna go with me on a memorial hike tomorrow for a friend that died last year, and it's going to go with me  on all the stupid political crapy that comes out for weeks, and moving house, and all life's nonsense. My bucket is good and filled. Humanity, is alright. There is crap  in the world, but we will change it. Slowly, but steadily. It's all gonna be alright.