Thursday, February 23, 2012

Sickness and Sensibility

  You know, as I come to hopefully my last day staying home sick, in two weeks of sickness, and to the end of my third or forth  period film I have viewed in this two week period, it begs me to ponder what exactly it is about being sick and watching these films that always makes me feel  so much better. 
 When I am sick I want sleep, water, ginger ale perhaps, soup, crackers and a good period film. Sense and Sensibility, Emma, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, North and South, or my most recent selection Wives and Daughters. 
 Every single one of these films have a few things in common that always make me feel better. The costumes for one. Why can't men dress like that today? they look so regal and noble, well those men always are noble, but there is just something so attractive to me about the way men dressed in those days, noble men at least.  
 There is something that just is so appealing about people going to balls, and dancing real dances. it makes me happy. I am very glad to live in an area where people are willing to dress up to go to dances. Most recently my YSA Ward was host to a multi-stake dance, and our theme was steam punk. The men mostly dressed up, and those that did instantly looked so much more attractive than usual.  ummm warm fuzzies just thinking about it
 A good love story, with real opposition is also one thing i like about these movies. The lack of communication, the misunderstandings, living in a singles ward i would say that is far more real life than the modern day romantic movies. 
 Its also nice to see movies with courting, with people getting to know each other properly, rather than just  having sex first and then a big drama and then oh, maybe we should be together. No I have very old fashion morals in that sense, and its nice to see a place where that exists. 
 I want to go to the UK, so that probably also increases my love for these movies
but my final and greatest reason I love watching these when I am sick, is that people are always getting sick in them. Usually someone dies, and someone else gets sick and survives, and then they fall in love with someone that was right in front of their face all along and get married. 
 Since I have not died from my sickness, I now expect one of those dashing young men from the steam punk dance will show up in Victorian garb on my door step, profess his undying love and I shall readily love him back, but first some other misguided soul that I have no interest in and never will, will show up, and I will have to refuse him, as I do not truly love him.  
 well, soon I will be well again, and reality will be at my door instead, but for now I am under the influence of prescription strength cough medicine, I shall watch another period film and fall asleep dreaming of Darcy, or Roger, or Oswald, or  Richard Armitage and it will be a very lovely dream indeed.  

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Truth: Why I reconstructed my walls

So, as I was just chatting with my roommate, I realized something, the truth. The truth is that yes, sometimes I am frustrated with people, and sometimes I push people away. I have been pushing a lot of people away since December. I have been mean, and I have had a horrible negative attitude. I want to start fights with everyone, especially people I feel could in any way hurt me.  
 So why have I been doing this? I made so many changes last year, and I became such a happy person, without walls, I was virtually unstoppable. I wanted to date, and I wanted to get married and have a family for reals, probably for the first time in my life. I felt closer to God than ever before, and I had unstoppable faith.  
 I am not really proud of who I have been in the past couple of months, or the things I said earlier tonight. I apologize to those that read them
 What happened? well I have written a little about it via my fairy tale, but not really. I quit writing for a while. In fact, I lost all desire to write or work on any of my previous works- my short story that could have been published months ago, my novel. I secretly am kind of angry at people that are happy couples right now. I try to be happy for them ,but I am kind of angry. I have been mean to my friends, and I try but just can't get the gospel to stick to my life more than just a few hours after listening to an inspirational program, or reading my scriptures. 
 On more than one occasion I have said to myself "man, you really need an attitude adjustment girl" I have had loving concerned friends who have lovingly told me to grow up, to which I replied "I hate you, I love you, thanks for doing that, but I hate you because you are right and I deserve that." I try to force myself to move on, but I am kind of bogged down.
 December happened. The guy  from the first date story, he really won my heart. I opened up to him like I have never opened my heart to him like I have never done before. He went to Reno, first he said just for a month, and then it became two, then three, then he got a job there and stopped talking to me for a bit, then he tried to talk to me again after three weeks of no word and it was too late. 
 All those walls I worked so hard to demolish last year, well a good portion of them went back up in an instance. I try to take them down ,but I just didn't know how. So I threw up walls, I was mean, and I pushed people away. I knew I was becoming something I didn't want to be so I just put up more walls, more attitude, more hate.  
 Honestly, I don't know what to do from here. I could go on and on about this friend or that but none of it matters, I have really good friends that love and care about me, I have family that love and care about me, but I feel like I have been trapped in a dark cave and I am just stuck. I pretend I am not there, but I am. I want to love again, I want to trust again, but I am so scared. Even my friends I know I should trust, I haven't been.  I seem to be all confidence at times, but honestly my confidence is quite shaken. My roommate is trying to get me to sit down and write a list of what I am looking for in a spouse, but I don't want to, because I am too afraid, and I don't want to think about it. I don't even want to believe that I will ever get married, because it is easier than admitting that I was really hurt, and trying to take a chance again.  I don't know, maybe now that I have said this, maybe now that I have made myself vulnerable and not just spewed hate at the nearest target, maybe now I can go make that list, and go take a chance. Because actually, I do want to meet a man, a good man,  and grow into love, and let him grow to love me, and take a chance and get married. but first I have to take a chance and tell the truth. So here it is. the truth. I am scared. I am scared that I am too much a mess and that I can never really love anyone again, that I will never care the way I should again, that all the good I was on target to do is now off target and I don't know how to get it back on target by myself. I have made a big big mess. I have messed with some very vulnerable people, that were already sensitive, and I knew it and I picked fights with them because I knew I could. I am sorry. I love you all. I know you guys love me. pray for me, because I need the walls to fall down again.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

the princess decided to move on

I will keep this one short. After feeling pain and heartache over the now obvious that her prince was not coming back (he decided  in fact to just join league with the evil cousins), The not so young princess looked to her friends for comfort. Over a period of time a handsome and kind male friend persistently showed up at her door and was kind to her. She did not feel for him what she had felt for the prince, but owing to the goodness of his heart, and the potential that she saw in him, the princess determined that she would accept the handsome young mans affections and for a time at least, court him to get to know him better. Perhaps if she slowed down a bit, and didn't make everything about finding an marrying someone suitable for her and her kingdom, maybe she could get to know someone well enough to truly find out if the were suitable for her and her kingdom, as opposed to the way she had previously been going about it. With that, the princess found herself in a new and different relationship, that she had no idea where it would go, but eventually, she knew she would find out.