MMB

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Needs

When I was in college, one of my roommates itroduced me to one of my all time favorite songs, Needs, by collective soul. If you have not heard this song, you should.  But its my go to song, really. I am tired. I havent been this tired since the end of my mission. I have so much I am trying to do, and even more that I wish I could do but just dont have time for. Sometimes I get burried under my pille of things to do, and avoid what I need to do.    Sometimes its important to just worry about what you need.  The lyrics say it all. I fight against it, but  you, are all I need ;)

"Needs"


All around me I see what weakness has made
Too much tomorrow I think I'll take all today
Am I a poison, Am I a thorn in the side
Am I a picture, perfect subject tonight

I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

Here I slumber to awaken my daze
I find convenience in this savior I save
Am I a prison, Am I a source of dire news
Am I a picture perfect reason for you

I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth or doubt
Of faith to fall into

In this time of substitute
It's my needs I've answered to (All the while)
And the hope that I invest
Still turns to signals of distress (All the while)

I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth or doubt
Of faith to fall into

You're all I need
When the water runs deep
You're all I need
Now I cry my soul to sleep
You're all I need [4x]

Thursday, March 8, 2012

If You Build It, They Will Come....

 You know, I think I have only seen the movie Field of Dreams one time, but the saying from it "if you build it, they will come" has had a great impact on my life for the past year. 
  When I got put into the Relief Society Presidency of  my YSA ward ten months ago, attendance at a lot of things was starting to wane. Especially Relief Society activities. As second councilor, RS activities were my duty to organize and plan and carry out. I really struggled along. I planned what everyone said they wanted to do, but less and less people showed up. I prayed for  inspiration, and then one day, a flash of lightning struck my brain about the solution to both RS and Wednesday night activities. "If you build it, they will come". that was exactly my thought. But, I thought, I am already planning and carrying out the activities. what is meant by this?  What was meant by it was faith.  Faith is an action word. Faith cannot just be dormant or passive, it is active, it requires doing, and believing. If we wanted people to come we needed to believe in what we were doing ourselves ,and plan for twenty to show up, not the five we were getting.  we did that, and now they come.  
       Lately our attendance at institute has been dropping and dropping. our teacher was getting discouraged, i think we all were. Again the thought entered my head "if we build it, they will come"  I had the first Sunday lesson in RS class, and I felt inspired that I should teach on that. I talked with the bishop about it, and had the institute instructor come and talk with the class. I felt like I had done my best, but my faith and believe in the program didn't, to me feel like it had reached anyone in the room. I was kind of sad about it. Then my roommate gave me encouragement last night and told me one of the girls had decided she would go to institute and she shared with others at the activity some of the things the instructor had said during my lesson. A lot of people not at my lesson heard me going on about my lesson and preparations for it, and told me they would come. I started to have more faith. my faith initially was to follow the spirit and give what i saw as a very difficult lesson. I did that. Then the lord reinforced that with encouragement from my roommate. 


  By the time it was time for institute tonight, I felt confidant that we would fill the room (we have had 10-7 people for like the last month,  we barely filled one row).  I was late getting in and didn't get to help our instructor set up the desks because of a presidency meeting, but when I got there I nearly cried. She set up only three tables instead of  the usual six.  I turned to her and said "we have to have more tables, we are going to fill this room, people are going to come". she was still discouraged and said "no, we will just have them sit in chairs" it didn't seem worth putting them up for no one. she wasn't there yet.  I yelled out "If we build it they will come!!!" and then I grabbed some more tables and put them up myself. we compromised and put up five tables, with four chairs per table. By the opening hymn we had almost filled the three tables. ok, it was better, but still, no way were we filling the room. well, i knew we would. I said the opening prayer, and rather than praying people would come i decided to continue in my faith more were coming and I prayed those traveling to institute would do so in safety and that we would all feel the spirit and learn together as we were taught.  By  the last half hour of class, every single table and chair was completely full, and one more person came in and pulled the small entry way table and a chair up because there was no where to sit.  It was a lesson to me, and I know the institute teacher learned from it too. all of our faith grew a little bit today. and it was a small but awesome miracle. from seven people our class grew to 21, and I know it can grow even more - If we build it. If we believe we are acting according to the will of God, and act in faith on correct principles,  and we work to accomplish those things knowing that it is true, it can happen and even exceed our own expectations. I feel I should try this in other areas of my life now, like my search for a husband. So I am going to go do that now. I know, if under inspiration of the Holy Spirit, you work to build families, you work to build friendships, or you work to build the Kingdom of God, you will build it, and miracles will happen.  I testify to you of this truth , and promise if you  have the faith to committee to act in faith amazing things will happen. 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Laughing in Sleep on Buses With Boys

 So today I was feeling very tired and mopey. I am still not completely recovered from my illness, and I am at about month ten of being in YSA Relief Society Presidencies. I love it, actually, but it can be very demanding at times, and I just don't have much stamina right now. I so wish I could do more than I physically, mentally, and emotionally am currently capable of. On top of it  one of my friends is struggling through a break up, and another friend is struggling with a very seriously ill 2yr oldish child  who has a tumor of a very serious sort. 
  Since hearing the later news I cannot seem to stop crying when I think of that cute little boy and what my beloved friend must be going through.  All of this combined with work, and the Presidency make me feel quite helpless. If you add to that the fact that I had to bring and end (still hoping this is only a temporary thing) to one of the dearest friendships I have ever had, I have been feeling very very helpless lately. I mean, AGENCY BAHHHHHH!!! no seriously, I am glad we have the agency to choose our lives for ourselves, but sometimes other peoples choices can be very frustrating and saddening. And sometimes their choices seem to not leave us many choices either.  
  Well, I am not trying to whine about all this, its life, all I am saying is that I feel seriously humbled, Helpless, and realize how much I have to rely on my Heavenly Father for support, and how much my friends do too. Not much you can do if you find out your boy had a tumor except take him to doctors. when there is a `10% survival rate as i read on her husbands post, associated with that, that would make you feel pretty helpless too. All you can do is pray, and do you best with the technology we have, but really that one is basically in Gods hands.  Not much you can do about a break up other than decided if you will act Christlike, and as a grown up, or if you will be childish and throw a temper tantrum about it (i know i had to make that decision, i think i landed somewhere in the middle on that one). and as far as my impact on the world through work or church, well at the end of the day, all I can do is all I can do. People have to choose, and God has to direct me how best to act. If I try to do it on my own, i will likely fail and get really  frustrated. 
 So after all that thinking, I fell asleep on the bus. I was flat out exhausted in every way possible on the way home from work. I didn't even see who the person was that sat beside me on the bus. I could feel someone there though.  
 I fell very very deeply asleep. I don't remember what I dreamed, but I remember it was very funny because I was laughing in my dream and then something kind of woke me from it ,and I felt I had been on the verge of sleep laughing.  the bus turned the corner to the parking lot so i started to really wake up. 
 Then I looked to the side of me, and I saw him. One of the most beautiful man/boys in the world , OK, in Poulsbo WA.  I don't know his name, or how old he is. He looks like he is early 20's and therefore way too young for me. I have seen him before, and always thought he was eye candy. I kinda wanted to talk to him. 


This was my chance, but I had just woken up, and possibly sleep laughed among other potentially embarrassing in sleep things I could have done, or said, snored or drooled - no there was no drool I would have noticed.  so I reached into my pocket to get my keys out, and be more facing him. I tried to think of something cleaver to say and then.... a used Kleenex fell out of my pocket and onto his seat, kind of between us.  oops. I quickly picked it up and apologized. He shrugged and walked off the bus, and put his headphones in. FAIL.