The End of Singles Awareness Month

Well, I didn't quite write a blog post every day this month. I tried, but I shared a lot of really personal stuff, and quite honestly, that is draining. I think if I had shared fluff all month, I would have had the mental energy, but I would have gotten bored. 

 I am glad that I was able to share so much personal stuff with you all this month, and I hope you had a moment of greater awareness in there somewhere. I have learned a lot this month. Mainly, I think I have learned its time I start to own my choices a bit more. Its time I quit saying "can't " so much and start allowing things to happen. 

 One of the ways I have done this is by accepting help and  a generous donation to make it to the 20th anniversary celebration of Lithuania being dedicated for the preaching of the gospel, for the opening of the land for my future mission. I have wanted to go back to Europe since I left France in 98, and I've wanted to go back to the Baltics before I even got on a plane to return home from my mission.

 For years I have gone home to visit my family in Utah instead, or gone on family vacations. I love my family very much, and I want to go see them, but I have another family, and I just as desperately need to see them. I am therefore going to Lithuania. Luckily, I can do this because someone has practically bought my plane ticket for me, and I am going to stay with friends while there, but without a roommate currently my finances are so tight I was considering passing up this opportunity to go. I have decided I will make it happen, even if I have to go into debt a bit for it.  That kind of help doesn't come along every day, and I have to accept the help that has been given me and the wonderful opportunity to return to one of my homes.

 I've also decided to make a dream come true that I've had since I was seven. Without raising the price of my plane ticket, I can go to Ireland as well. Seriously, I dreamed I went when I was seven, and it was a very important dream, I've never forgotten it, and I've always felt driven to go. I have friends from my mission in the UK and Ireland that I really want to visit and see. I was going to try to visit all of them, but due to time and financial restrictions, that can't happen on this trip. 

 As I contemplated how to narrow the focus of my trip, I knew I had to see my peps in Lithuania and make time for them, they are the reason I am going. But additionally, I have decided to cut out the UK portion, and focus a few day only on Ireland.  Dreams can come true, and things can happen in your life. You have to work for them, that is true, but sometimes you also have to accept a little help on the way. 

 I will forever be grateful to those who are sacrificing so much of their own dreams to help make mine come true. It means so much to me, I don't even know how to say, I just hope one day I can do something as special and awesome for you. I love you, thanks for loving me so much.

Death Heated for 30 Seconds on low In the Microwave

 I hate being sick. Right now I feel like a big wimp, because I just got over being sick with that nuroshmeeshmee shmee stomach flu crap only to be hit with a cold. Interesting thing, this feels completely different but equally crapy, and I am wondering what the crud is wrong with my immune system that it isn't keeping all this stuff at bay. 

 Its left me thinking alot about the saying "death warmed over"  which just means you look horrible. Considering I was asked to please stay home tomorrow, I must look like that. To put a modern more dramatic spin on it though, I'd like to call it death heated for 30 second on low in a low watt microwave. Yeah, that sounds about like what I feel at the moment. 


 In other news, Someone asked me if I was pregnant today at work. First of all- NO I AM NOT. 

Second- thanks for calling me fat. 

Third- Doesn't everyone know you are never supposed to ask that question?

Ending with those thoughts, and going to sleep. Good night.

Godly Sorrow vs Worldly Sorrow

 I think I had the beginnings of a profound realization this weekend. Its not fully hatched, but I think I am on the way to getting something big, so I thought I would share. 

 You know, In Sunday school, I think I was told that Godly sorrow was feeling sorrow that you did something wrong because what you put the Savior through, and because you have a change of heart and  you truly want to change, and worldly sorrow was that you were sorry you got caught. 

 I think I have found a slightly "new" way of looking at that. I think, worldly sorrow is shame. Whether it is a sin or any other imperfection you want to hide from yourself, from God or from the world, the sorrow of shame doesn't lead to the changes that God wants to see happen in our lives.  Shame is that thing that holds you back from being completely honest with yourself and others, its that thing where you keep beating yourself up over things, and you don't allow the atonement in your life to fully work and function. You may allow it in part, but as long as you feel shame, I don't think you have fully let it work its enabling power. 

 Godly sorrow on the other hand requires absolute honesty, absolute humility, and a willingness to go through whatever refining fire you must to have that imperfection burnt, chipped or polished away. It hurts to go through, but in a way that also lifts you up and makes you stronger. As I continue to share more personal things through this blog or with my friends, I am doing it, in part to overcome shame. Shame has held me back for too many years. 

 Now, I am finding an interesting balance happening in my life. As I share things that I was once a shamed of, I am not always proud of those things, their results and my related past actions. I have a feeling becoming prideful about those things would be another way of worldly sorrow which would be celebrating my mistakes and pretending that they hadn't hurt me, or that I had overcome them myself. 

 I am feeling shame disappear from my life, because even though I am still not perfect, I know that the atonement is working in my life. That my savior is helping me and using my past experiences to change and shape my future for the better, because I am trusting him completely, I humbled myself  and am striving to be completely honest, even when I know I may disappoint myself with the truth. I feel confident that my honesty will bring me nothing but closer to him, as I admit my imperfections and submit them to him to make perfect over time and eternity.

 As I share these things with others, I do not do it lightly, I am not doing it to be boastful or to stand out or to say I am better or worse than anyone else. I share these things, because "When thou art converted strengthen  thy brethren." I want to help others, I want to make shame disappear from our lives. It doesn't help any of us.  I think when we begin to talk openly about our struggles and problems in a way that  is honest, and open, without pretense, without shame,  it can begin to empower us to move forward.

I am not saying I am anywhere near perfect in these things now, I definitely have a ways to go still, and I still catch myself getting prideful, lying or trying to hide things. When I do, I try to immediately STOP IT. I think this has helped me to get rid of a lot of worldly sorrow, and start to feel the power of the Atonement in ways I have never felt before, in a way that rids my life of shame. 

 I think when we try to hide, hide from, or ignore our problems and imperfections, then we can't really change that weakness, we can't make it strong, we cant move forward. Basically when we do that, we damn ourselves. 

 One of my mission presidents once explained to me that  "to Damn is to block or stop progress". that's all the more that is. If we are not allowing Christ to help us move forward then we are blocking our progress.   I watched a video today that kind of reminded me of this, so I will share the link at the bottom of this post. 
 Like I said, this is not a complete thought yet, its not a perfect thought, but this is the start of my thought that I am having on Godly Sorrow and worldly sorrow. 

 There is a scripture that talks about  this in Luke 12: 3 "Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in ^adarkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have ^bspoken in the ear in^cclosets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops."    and D&C 1: 3 "And the ^arebellious shall be ^bpierced with much ^csorrow; for their iniquities shall be ^dspoken upon the housetops, and their secret acts shall be revealed." 

 This scripture used to scare me, I think, because I didn't want to have any bad thing I had done, or imperfection shouted for all to hear. Now, I don't really care, because I know that isn't who I am. It isn't what I am. I know  that Christ has helped to create a real change in me, a change where I don't want or feel like I need to hide anything any more. I'm not of course going to share all my experiences with everyone, but if they knew them I don't feel it would change anything for me one way or the other. That fear is gone.      And now the video I talked about. This is a preview from the  Voices of Hope project. Take a listen. 

http://youtu.be/7ha6nfTd72Q

I Am INFJ

  Today was stinkin' awesome. It was one of the best days ever. I got to spend time in the morning reflecting, reading, and doing stuff, and then the afternoon I got to spend eating Belgian frits and driving around/ walking through nature talking to one of my best friends. then I came home and cooked and got to hang out and take personality tests and compare with another friend. Lots of personal one on one time. It was fun     Look at my personality profile.     

 I am INFJ. On the Myers-brigs, I am so INFJ. I've taken this test three times from two different sources in eight months. I am always honest about my answers, and every time I read the description, even if they are slightly different I get the same result, and I read the description and  think "wow, that is so me on paper."   So, I thought I would share a few that I thought were really me. My personality type is the most rare- 1%, and therefore in my opinion the most awesome. although, I am sure they are all good.  

First,  my temperament is NF. or "The Visionary"  "intuitive, imaginative, highly idealistic. They desire to contribute goodness and meaning to the lives of others. They are driven by values they deeply believe in and defend. visionaries desire to understand themselves and to be understood for who they really are...  in their relationships they require authenticity, depth and meaning. they dislike conflict and conformity. 

 Personality type :
Here's what spoke to me about me.
INFJ's
love to learn, their whole existence is wrapped around growth.
 They are on a constant quest to improve and untangle more questions.
 They are gifted at deciphering the connections and profound meanings of things.
 They are interested in people and relationships. 
Personal growth drives them and anything short of that pursuit is meaningless to them. 
 They live life with a great sense of purpose. 
They have a great need for connection while at the same time yearn for solitude.
 They enjoy one on one interaction. 
Although they enjoy being a mystery, they also long to be known and understood. 
They are  champions of the oppressed and downtrodden.
 They are people that you can rarely fool any of the time.
They are selective about their friends, friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.
They have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. 
they have an amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others .
they  desire to express their wealth of feelings, But are  aware of the consequences of unbridled candor, they well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals 
They have  complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents.
They  are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. 
They  take  a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn. 
They are deeply concerned about their relationships.  
They are sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people, On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts.
 At intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." 
 Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them.They have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil.
 They tend to have strong writing skills.

Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths.

I hope this helped you understand me better. Being a 1%er I doubt you will meet many INFJ's in your life. I do like to be  understood. 
See mypersonality.info and http://www.typelogic.com/infj.html for more information on INFJ's or on your personality type. 

Sunrise, Sunset...

 It seems like just months ago that I was staying over at my friend Michelle's house having game nights till 3 am on Saturday nights/Sunday mornings.  Now, a good friend invites a group of us to go out to dinner, and then offers to have an after party and we all dont want to, we go home at 8:30/9pm. 

  Man alive!! When did I become an old lady that wants to go home and go to bed at 9pm on a Saturday? This may have something to do with turning 31, being in a Family ward with 9AM church, instead of 1 PM church. It may have something to do with knowing I still needed to come home and plan my lesson, and get a handful of other things done to complete my now two callings. 

 It was funny sitting around that table at Sheri's with all my old friends from the Singles ward. For a moment it seemed as if nothing had changed, even though until very late in the game I was the only one there that wasn't married. When we started to break apart and leave ( I think at 8, the first couple left) we gave reasons like "We have to go pick up our baby from the baby sitters" or "Its date night" or " We have to prepare our primary lessons" Ultimately a lot of us just said,  "I'm tired, and I have 9 o'clock church".   

 Hey y'all, I don't remember getting older, When did we?  Was it the moment that we went from singles wards to family wards?  The funny thing is I don't even want to stay up all night playing games and laughing at nothing any more. I WANT to go to sleep. For the first time in my life, yes, I actually want to go to sleep. 

Relating To Zombies

Spoiler Alert- If you haven't seen Warm Bodies, that is what I am going to talk about. 



I just finished watching one of the most amazingly wonderful movies of all time. Warm Bodies.  I could still cry I feel so powerfully moved by this hilarious, sometimes scary and gross zombie romantic comedy. 

 You know, I don't know if this is anyone else's experience, but I really related to R. I mean, I've felt like a zombie in my life, sometimes still do, like I'm just meandering around not knowing what my purpose is, who I am or what the crap I am doing. In fact, I've felt like that a lot lately.

 For me, Just as it was for R, Its love that changes everything and makes life worth living. Its human connection that brings me back from the dead when I am lost. Maybe that's why I have been sharing so much about myself lately. Its scary to do, but its kind of like that moment when R gets shot, and it hurts, but he's happy because he's bleeding.  I think that movie made me appreciate life so much better, happy things and sad things, I just feel really grateful to know so many wonderful people who love and care about me. Its awesome.  

 I kind of wish I had an R to by my boyfriend now. I mean, sure at first it would be scary, and you would just be like what the crap, are you saving me as a snack for later?  but by the time he transitions completely, he was really really good looking, and he has a very kind heart, and pretty eyes.  Super loved this movie. Was not disappointed in the least.  warm fuzzies are all I feel right now.

Never Go Against a Canadian When the Puck Is On the Line

I was going to write kind of a mildly light hearted  comedic post today, but I am too tired to do anything more than observational.  I just finished the hockey game of the century. I think I slashed my own ankle. Its bruised and purple. I played my guts out. I am not sure I will be able to move in the morning. 

  We have Canadian lady that comes to play with us. Usually she is on my team, and that makes me very happy, but today I had to play against her. I was very intimidated, because I knew how good she was. It took me forty five minutes of playing to develop an effective strategy against her. The key was to attack. 

 Any way, you can save yourself some trouble, take my advice, Never go against a Canadian when the puck is on the line. 

 night all!! I sleep now. 

Singles Awareness Month: Love, Love, Love

 I decided not to do my blog on why I hate Valentines day on Valentines day. So I'm going to do it today. This may be one of the most difficult blogs for me to write, but I'm gonna do my best.

 In Elementary School, I remember we all made mail boxes, and then you could go around and give valentines to your class mates. I always think of Ralph on the Simpsons when thinking of this time of life. He got a Valentine for Lisa that said "I cho choose you" with a picture of a train. It was a generic card, but Ralph took it that Lisa liked him more than she actually did.  This is only one of a handful of nightmares that could go wrong even in elementary school. For me, I was a very very shy girl in elementary school. I wanted to be liked, I wanted  to be cool, like anyone does. 

 I was never really picked on, with the exception of one time a girl slammed my head into the wall in the girls bathroom. I don't really know why she did that.  I was quiet enough I think I mostly just slipped under every one's radar. I was friends with some geeks, but I was athletic so I also got to play with the cool kids. I watched some of my friends be bullied quite frequently, and that was really sad. Valentines day to me seemed like a high pressure day. Everyone gave every one a Valentine for the most part, but you wanted to avoid a Ralph situation on either end, and you wanted to feel loved, but some people were more loved than others. 

 In Jr High and High School the Ante was upped considerably. It was teddy bears, flowers, chocolates and singing telegrams. Only now, it was more exclusive. You had to have someone interested in you (and brave enough to show it) to get something.  I didn't have a boyfriend in High School or Jr. High, so every year Valentines would come and I would enviously watch as the pretty, popular girls got interrupted in class to be delivered wonderful sweets and pretty candies. Always I'd hope it would be me, but it never was. 

 I was really shy, so its probably good it wasn't me getting stuff, I would have freaked out. As much as I wanted to be loved,  and to have some one show me they loved me, it scared the heck out of me. Not much has changed really. The past three years I have been on the receiving end of stuffed bears, flowers and chocolates. Instead of the warm tingly feelings I had hoped for, I freaked out. I felt uncomfortable, or ultimately I felt like I needed to push the guy away. I didn't want to break his heart, and yet I knew, I was different, I was dangerous, and I would break his heart. Better sooner than later.

 Sometimes, I wasn't super interested in the guy, and so it wasn't that big of a loss. Other times, I really was interested, and I really had wanted it to go somewhere. It was those times that hurt the worst. What was wrong with me? I wondered. Why couldn't I just be relaxed and normal and as excited and happy about these things as everyone else. 

 This difference became more apparent as I started to have real boyfriends. Well, real for me. I didn't date any of them longer than three weeks unless they moved to another state. That long distance thing allowed me to let one man in a lot closer than anyone else. In the end though, I needed a boyfriend that was actually around. 

 Finally, this year after a dating spree and multiple break ups, and one truly broken heart, I  was good and depressed, and felt like the biggest looser on the planet. What is wrong with me?! Why can't I hold down a relationship like any normal person can? Why do I get so terrified that I am going to get out of control when I really like a guy and things are going well?   

 These questions and many more have been answered as I have gone to counseling and started to work on many, many issues.  There is a term for what I experience. Its called Sexual Anorexia. I am horrible at explaining it. Married people may experience it, single people, people who appear to be normal and fine, people who break up with guys and quit talking to them after a first kiss (me). Not because they don't like those feelings, but because they just are freaked out by how much they like them.  My workbook defines it as  "sex is the most terrifying need."  Not just sex itself, but anything related to those feelings. 

 I get really uncomfortable around couples kissing. I have a really hard time at girls nights when those subjects come up. I've been working on it. See, its just as unhealthy to be where I am as a sex addiction would be. I have to get to a healthy place- the middle place where "normal " people live.  I think I have made some progress in the past year, and that is good. There is hope for me yet.       

    A major part of this, I have discovered lies in my difficulties in trusting people, in opening up to them, in making myself vulnerable. I have worked on that a lot in this blog. Life is easier when you trust and love others.   I once had a friend tell me that for her "trust equals love."  I think that is very true. I can care about people, and feel a degree of love for them, but I never truly love any one when I don't let them in, when I keep my walls up, when I refuse to trust them. Just as when we don't trust God, or the atonement we aren't really having faith and letting God in our lives.

  I think I have struggled a lot with loving myself during times of my life. I know how freaking awesome I am on paper, and yet there is this part of me, that I just have known if people knew about it, they wouldn't love me. I couldn't love me. I couldn't accept that part of me. And so I rejected other peoples love. 

 That has changed. It is continuing to change. I am not yet ready to share everything about myself here on this blog, obviously, but I have a growing number of trusted and truly loved friends that know my every secret, and you know what, they love me still, and possibly even more. And, as I grow to love myself, and grow to accept other peoples love, I can feel more of my Heavenly Fathers love.  I've just shared one big scary secret with you all. Dating, and icky love stuff scares me, because it makes me feel out of control and vulnerable. Talking about this scares me. It is the weakest and most deficient part of my life, and it is the part I worked the hardest to cover up and try to make look normal.  there it is, its out there now. I don't have to hide or pretend any more. 

Now I can work at my own pace on this, and I can expect your help with it. Go ahead, kiss your boyfriend /husband in front of me. It will make me uncomfortable, but I need to face this. Tell me how awesome I am and that you love me. Don't be surprised if I ask why. I don't always understand why people love me. I am SO weird after all.  

 But don't we all have some work to do in this feeling loved, allowing others to love us and think we are awesome area? I'm not saying everyone is dealing with sexual anorexia, but I think this is a common thread in all addictions, trials, and so forth, whatever they may be. If we truly could love ourselves as God loves us,  we could accept love better, and  we would then be able to keep the commandment to love one another as Jesus loves us, because first we are commanded to "love our neighbor as  (we ) love (ourselves).    I am learning to love, and I love it. I am learning to become comfortable with the associated icky love stuff.  I am learning to love Valentines day. 

 Valentines day isn't about candy, or bears, or flowers. Valentines day is about love. I don't think the Beatles were really all that far off when they said "All you need is love." God is love, The Atonement is love, Family is love, Friendship is love.  Love is a good thing.  Obviously, my goal in working on this, is to have better friendships, and to someday sustain a dating relationship with a guy I like and hopefully eventually get married. 

 For more information on Sexual Anorexia, and what the crap it is (because I am really horrible at explaining it see the following link.  http://www.sobernation.com/fear-of-the-intimate-considering-sexual-anorexia/

Singles Awareness Month: I Just Wanna Have Fun

 All day long I worked my butt off today. I came home from work, and started to do more work. At seven thirty, It  hit me,  I was hungry. For weeks, my creativity has been a bit stifled. My cooking has been boring. I lost my inspiration. 

   Tonight, I had a break through. As I was reading my workbook it talked about the importance of nurturing, of taking care of yourself, and also allowing others to take care of you. (The latter is a very difficult concept for me.). I realized that by working myself to dust, I was not taking care of me. I put the manual away, and decided I needed to find a relaxing comedy, and quick. 

 I got on Netflix and scrolled down the list of movies. Boring, Boring, Boring. No thank you. Finally, One stood out amongs the hundreds of comedies I'd already seen and wasn't in the mood for,  a classic- Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. 

 I'm a girl! I wanna have fun!!  I thought to myself. And so I did. I started the movie, and like magic ideas came to me for cooking- a sweet and savory BBQ salmon filet on a bed of pasta with citrus and garlic sauteed veggies, with just a dash of cheese and home made white sauce drizzled over the pasta. For a moment I worried. Had I created a balanced dish? Was it too many flavors? 

 No, it was perfectly balanced, tangy, and refreshing. If only I wasn't too tired, I would make some dessert. But after a sleepless night last night, I think its best I go to bed early. Me and my Nicky had a great FHE, and I think we both had some fun.  

Singles Awareness Month:Sleepless Near Seattle

Yesterday, I really, really, really wanted to take a nap after church. I didn't because I was afraid if I did I  wouldnt sleep at night.

I should have just taken the nap, because I slept horribly last night. It was as if my mind waged war against my every effort to sleep.

My roommate had informed me she was sleeping somewhere else last night, so I could do all the locks. At about 12:30 I was awoken by a dream that she was pounding on the door to get in. I almost fell for my own mind trick, until I realized my dog wasnt barking, no one was there and I could go back to sleep.

I had a lot of other crazy dreams that woke me up and my hair ended up looking like this

. Oh yeah, I woke up at some point to take that. Thing is, yesterday was a great day, I got relased from my single adult calling- which nearly gave rhe primary president a heart attack because she thought she was loosing her secretary. I also went home and got most of next weeks primary stuff done. I guess my big mistake was that I was really hungry at about 9pm so I had a veggie burger and some m&ms. Thats got to be why I slept so horribly. Well, timIe to sleep on the bus. Love y'all, Sleepless Near Seattle

Singles Awarness Month: Watchout! She Jumps

  So tonight I had the pleasure of going to visit some friends to watch a movie. It was a really great movie called "I Am Number Four"  I loved it. If any of you have ever watched a movie with me, then you know I jump.
  A few people found that out tonight. One may have a bruised arm. The more things jump out, or the more I expect them to jump out, the more I jump.  It works nice, I think, If someone wanted to get cuddly. It works really badly if I am holding the pop corn, unless you like pop corn showers. Well, consider yourselves warned. If you watch a movie with me, and things pop out, I will jump and possibly scream even if I know its coming.

Singles Awareness Month: Laugh, Cry, Think

       One of my favorite TV shows to watch is Go On, Its got Matthew Perry in it, he's a radio sports talk show guy , and he goes to a support group full of quirky people after his wife dies. Its pretty funny. One episode he talks about how the perfect day you should laugh, think, and cry.  I don't know that today was the perfect day, but I laughed, thought and cried. I don't know if the crying counts though, because it was from laughing really hard. 

   My friend Katie came over tonight. We had a very serious discussion about life for one hour or so. When we were done we needed to laugh really hard. We saw this funny video from Ellen where she called this old lady, who said she loves Jesus, but she drinks a little. It was hilarious, you should watch it. Any way, Ellen has to be one of the funniest people in the world. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp1KVPkrimQ

 A few weeks ago I was watching old episodes of Boy Meets World on YouTube and I got distracted by a clip from Ellen's current show, and it was one with the really bad paid for pictures. Those are pretty funny too, well that reminded me, my mom and I used to watch her first show together. It was a sitcom. It was hilarious. Katie and I went back and watched a few episodes. We were dying laughing. Especially in season  2 episode six, at the beginning  you just have to watch this!!!  its so funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvVM6cftL6A. She's dancing and lip sinking in an elevator.  

 After our serious "Think" discussion about life and what to do with it- move, stay, get better jobs, all that we really needed that. I bet you need it too. Enjoy. 

Singles Awareness Month: 5am, I Hate Your Stinkin Guts

The grating sound of a semi-truck wakes me from pleasent dreams of fluffy bunnies frolicking in green grass warmed to the perfect temperature by the glowing summer sun.
Rudely awakened, I strike back, slaming the horrible device that is my alam clock back to twenty minutes of oblivion. I repeat this act a second time, this time pleading and begging that the next beep will come more slowly. It comes even quicker.
In the cold, quiet desolation of five am I finally give up on sunshine and bunnies. In a fit of rage I arise, cursing my commute and vowing to find a different job, closer to home, where I can sleep in to a normal time like my roommate, and the roommate before her, and the roommate before her.
As I aproach five years of variations on this horrid mobstrosity of a commute, I realize two things: 1- I really really love living in kitsap county or I wouldnt do this hour and a half to two hour commute in the cold and darkness each morning, and 2- someone lied to me when they told me it gets better and you get used to it.
Kind of like the constant influx of roommates in my life. 56 (including 17 mission comps) is about on her way out  out the door. I am in a desperate hunt for 57.
The saddest part, I promised myself that 55 was going to be it for roommates, 56 was supposed to be an eternal companion. I just raised the bar on that, he has to appear by roommate number 60. Please dont let me have over 60 roommates. That is just pitifully ridiculous.
Yes, Ive had many roommates, many that I loved living with, many that were tollerable to live with, and some, the few, the proud, the brave, that I hated to live with. Some became my best most trusted friends, some became much better friends when i didnt have to live with their messy dishes making some primordial soup of disgusting slimy fith in the sink, and some, well lets just say we both agreed to silently go our seperate ways and never speak of that horror again.
Why then do I even want to risk it with yet another roommate? Well, theres finacial reasons, and then theres the fact that Ive done the living alone thing before, and though I am an introvert, I still hate it worse than the worst roommate Ive ever had.
A four twentu am beeping alarm for the fifth horrible morning in a row is far more agreeable to me than always coming home and knowing there will be no one there to tell how wonderful or horrible your day was.
And even worse than that, coming home from church sunday and having dinner by yourself. I love sunday roommate dinner, and Ive been told I am a really excellent cook.
Its six twenty, one more leg of my commute. Time for a fluffy bunny type nap on the ferry.

Singles Aweeee Mooo: Tired as a Two Year Old

There are various points in the day I had some deep topics I wanted to discuss here, then some light hearted jokes. Then some more deep stuff. At some point I wanted to tell you why Valentines day is my least favorite holiday, and St Patricks day is my most favorite. I wanted to share about the wonderful relief society lesson we had on relationships, that I really enjoyed and learned a lot from. I wanted to share with you why relationships, especially of the dating kind are actually horrifically terrifying to me probably not in the way you'd think or for the reasons you'd think. I want them, but I run from them. I'll explain some other time, but I was glad for the lesson, because its an area I really would like all the help I can get.

 Today has been an incredibly good day. It was extremely rewarding, I have done an incredible amount of work this week that I can't even begin to express. I will sum it up by quoting something my therapist told me today "You are amazing, we need 30 of you cloned and spread across the country right now!"   that was about how awesome of work I am doing. Yup I'm cool like that. But, I also have a lot of work left to do. If there were 30 of me, at least 10 of them would be asleep right now.  In fact that is what is in plans to do next.  I am exhausted. I worked my butt off this week, I did a lot of good. Wednesday is usually some what of a battery charging day for me, but today I had more important work to do, so that didn't happen.

Result- I am as tired and temper tantrum prone as a two year old. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want chocolate, I don't want anything. I'm kind of angry for no reason other than that I am tired. So I think I am going to make myself go to sleep now. I've definitely exceeded my limits for the day.  I want to thank my friends for all their assistance at the activity tonight, I had no Idea how to make a card, or dip chocolates because I was tired. I wanted to be whiny, and you guys made me smile instead. You are the best and I love you all very very much.

 oh no, this is where I get so tired I start thanking everyone and telling them how much I love them. Next will come the laughing. Good thing no one is here to point at me. Preemptive strike, off to bed. 

Singles Awareness Month: The Power of Honesty

       I just came from a very very powerful meeting with a group of people, most of whom I didn't know. By the end of the meeting I think me and all these people, all with different problems, in different stages of life, in different marital statai (yes, I just made up a word,) had come together feeling like a family, like children of God, united in the common cause of life anchored in our Savior Jesus Christ. 

  I can't share the details of this meeting, because its quite confidential so that we can all feel safe and have openness and honesty. The meeting I just came from is the LDS churches Addiction Recovery Program.  They have a variety of meetings, some for specific addictions, some support groups for family and spouses and some that are just general meetings.  The cool thing about that is, you don't have to be a "hard core addict" or really even and "addict" to go.  

 Combining the sayings of multiple of the ARP Missionaries that work as facilitators and overseers for this gospel centered support group I can tell you that the Addiction Recovery Program is for everyone that has "hurts, hang ups, or stumbling blocks"   And what makes it work is that its a safe place we can all get together and be honest, we can admit we aren't perfect, we don't have to pretend to be anything we are not to impress anyone else, we have honesty and vulnerability that usually turns into a testimony meeting that strengthens the soul to withstand the fiery darts of the adversary.  

 I go every Tuesday. I love it.  I wish more people would go, but you see there is some sort of stigma attached. I am writing this to dispel the stigma. If you have pain and sorrow and trials in your life, this could help you. Gee, that kind of covers everyone.  

 I started going (again) because my counselor wanted me to have a support group to  help me through all my emotional stuff I am working on with him on Wednesdays.  There is another stigma I would like to get rid of- Its OK to go to counseling. Its OK to get your mental health in balance, in fact we should probably keep our mental health in shape just like we do our physical health. Its totally OK to have a hard time with things in life and need help. 

 If you do go to counseling, or to the ARP groups I have one little bit of advice from personal experience. BE HONEST. With yourself, with everyone else. It wont help you as much if you aren't honest, because honestly I think there is a portion of the healing power of the Atonement, a large part, that is only accessible by complete honesty. That requires a great deal of humility to do. It can be hard. It can be really scary, but as soon as you do it, at least from my experience healing and power comes and lifts you up higher than you had to humble yourself down to.  

 As a single person, I am often alone to deal with my problems, my emotions, my stressors, until I am honest about what help I need. When I can admit that I can't do everything by myself (Which I can't, believe me I have tried many many times, its not possible.) that is when I get whatever help I truly need.

 Satan loves lies. He loves secrets. He loves deceit. God loves truth, honesty, humility, openness.  He is wise and keeps somethings Sacred. This doesn't mean that they are hidden and unattainable it means that one must prepare themselves for them so that they can understand.  We can begin to prepare ourselves for greater truth and wisdom from God  by being  honest in our lives, by admitting our imperfections, and by humbly seeking whatever help and support we need, rather than pretending that we do not need it.     

 I have been meaning to do a plug for this for a while, but my experience tonight really brought home the power of a room full of people being completely open and honest with each other. Its a powerful thing. 

Singles Awareness Month: Pay The Bills Day

 I allowed myself a moment to celebrate pay day today. Since I decided to come home from work and work hard on my resume for once, I decided I deserved a treat. I got some Dominos. I probably shouldn't, because I ate too much, but it was a nice moment. 

 And then it was time to pay all my bills. 

  Pay day, Pay day,  
 What can I say eh? 
you come bringing dough, 
just so I can watch it all go. 

Pay day, Pay day, 
such a nutty thing. 
I really wish I could keep more of the green.

Oh yes, speaking of the green, I still will need a new roommate in a couple weeks. If you know any single females that are reliable at paying the rent on time, and are ok with dogs and needing a place to live, send them my way, because its the middle of February and no one is moving then. 


Happy payday  and happy singles awareness month!!!

Singles Awareness Month: An Eye Single

  Part 2 of Stake Conference today was really awesome, but a totally different focus. Building off of yesterday, and a few more topics of different trials members of the church deal with, we moved to a focus on  sharing the gospel, using Preach My Gospel with scriptures study, and going to the temple frequently and partaking in the blessings that are there. 

 It was a very very inspiring day. As the last hour of speakers spoke, all that I could think of was D & C 4:5-7, which of course goes right along with the missionary work theme 
  "And faith, hope, charity and love with and eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work. 
Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, dilligence. Ask and ye shall recieve; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Amen"

 I think these verses some up what I learned at conference. And since its Singles Awareness month, I especially like the reminder to have an "eye single to the glory of God"  best kind of single to be, because its the kind of single where you are never alone. 

Singles Awareness Month Stake Conference Part 1: mormonsandgays.org

    Well, Nothing reminds you more of singles status than going to lunch as friends with an ex -boyfriend  and talking about the struggles of being single the whole time. Strangely, that wasn't awkward. We are both good friends, and it was a nice relaxing afternoon in moderate social awkwardness, and I wouldn't have wanted to spend the day any other way. Although, to clarify, for those getting your hopes up- there is a reason it didn't work, and I think its best I let you know we are just keeping it at the friend level. 

 I followed that lovely lunch up with Stake conference. I had a momentary attitude issue where I didn't want to go, because I had a feeling they were just going to talk about how to make your marriages better. It turns out I was pretty spot on - for most the meeting.  Luckily my old home teacher Alex, and  his wife sat next to me with tons of yarn that I got to help ball up for future knitting projects. The talks were actually really cool, though I have no where to apply them right now, I got a few good laughs in because the speakers were very hilarious.  

 Next the Mission President talked to us, I guess it was about Christ like love, tolerance, and not judging people. He used the example of a man he knew that had tatoos, smoked, was pretty rough looking and stinky, who investigated the church, joined, and completely changed his life around.  It was a good intro for the stake presidents message, a message that we as members sometimes need to be a little more Christ like and a lot less judgemental. 

 As President Gilespie got up, and the first thing he did was tell us that God loves us. Then he asked us to imagine the feelings they had talked about earlier, for spouses. I had a really hard time imagining that one, so I went with the ex boyfriend (not from this afternoon, a different one) that totally broke my heart last year. Well, I dont think that was the feeling he was going for, so I thought back to before everything went wrong and he moved to reno, back when I really enjoyed thinking about spending time with him.  Ok president, you've got my attention. Then he asked us to imagine what it would be like if we never felt those feelings for someone of the oposite sex, but that we felt them for someone of the same sex. He then talked about love, compasion, and introduced us to the website www.mormonsandgays.org. I believe I tryed to introduce you all to this site right when it came out. Did you check it out yet? well if you haven't you should.    We spent the rest of the meeting watching some videos from the site. Please go watch them. 

  What I want to talk about now, is this. I have a lot of friends that I know personally that are or were members of the church that struggle with this issue. I love them  a lot. I have seen how this impacts them, their families, etc.  I have had some deep conversations with some of my friends about this subject. I know in particular, there is one sister I taught on my mission who is currently done with the church. As we talked about the gospel and  the struggle and feelings she had about it, there was one question she asked me that has never left my mind. She said "Where is the love? for someone like me, where is the love?" 

 I wish she could have been there tonight, because the love is there, and its growing as understanding grows. Because of the impact these experiences have had on people that me a lot to me in  my life, as well as the fact that my therapist is Josh Weed, (he is the Gay married(to a woman) Mormon guy you may have seen on Ricky Lake or have read his blog post, if not check it out, hes an amazing man  http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html  ) and as my friend Amy said this blog has good advice for anyones marriages and relationships, even if they aren't gay and married to a woman.   
 Any way, because of all this,  about six months ago, I decided to become a member of North Star Leadership council, because my friends, I want you to know you are loved, and I want you to know you can choose to live the gospel, even if you are struggling with same gender attraction vs your testimony  and what to do about it.  

North Star www.northstarlds.org  is an organization that provides support, stories of hope and help for those who struggle with same gender attraction, gender identity issues, or are family members or friends of those who struggle, and want to live the gospel and gospel standards. Its a really cool organization, and its great to check out even if you just want to gain more sympathy and understanding for others.  Another really cool thing that North Star has put together, and is working on another edition of is a book called Voices of Hope.   
Considering my members of my stake were just encouraged to gain some empathy and compassion in this area I have decided to share  this information with you  to facilitate  your compassion and learning experience. 

 For my friends who are struggling, and are asking  "Where is the love for someone like me?"  its here, it exists, God has not forgotten you , and you are still more than welcome in his church. His standards haven't and wont change in regards to the law of chastity, but  He loves you always, and no matter what. If you want to choose to live the way, he will provide a way for you to do that, he is totally able to. It wont always be easy, and sometimes people wont make you feel loved, but he will always find a way to let you know you are loved, and he loves you, but you have to be willing to hear when he says it. 

 You can find my bio and profile here http://northstarlds.org/about-us/who-we-are/ on the northstar leadership council ,if you want to see my beautiful pic and read more about why I joined.  I hope that this can be a step forward for all of us for all members of the church feeling loved and a part of the family. Sometimes I feel singled out, but ultimately, I always find a family in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints, and I know you can too no matter what you struggle with, no matter what makes you feel different from everyone else, because Its Christs church, and he loves and understands each of us, personally and individually. 

This has been more of an Same Gender Attraction Awareness, than a Singles Awareness post, but I think it fits just as much with the theme for the month. We all need to feel loved, Gay, Straight, Married, Single, Addict, Child of God, whomever, and whatever you are. 

Happy Singles Awareness Month, and Stake Temple Night

 I have decided to attempt to write a singles awareness post every day this month. Tonight was a good night to start, because honestly I don't know of too many places that make you feel painfully aware that you are single more than the temple, on stake temple night, in a stake that recently relocated the vast majority of their singles to another stake. 
  There was a brief and poignant moment where I wanted to cry because I felt pretty much like I  stuck out like a sore thumb, and felt kind of socially awkward being the only single person I noticed in the room. That moment passed very quickly, because one thing about stake temple night is there are an awful lot of people there that I know and that I love, and that love me. Ultimately what happens is you realize you are part of one big happy family, and about twenty seconds later you realize that you just stand out because you are so incredibly loved, not because you  are so incredibly single.  

 I am single, but I am also loved. The temple is the most loving and peace filled home like place to be on the planet, especially when you are there with your Stake family.  I have this big thing about how I like to blend in and not stick out. I am coming to realize something, since I started  going to counseling all those  months ago.  I was born to stand out. Stand out in a good way. If I blend in I ain't living up to my potential.  

 So, at the end of the night, what I am aware of is that, yes I am in fact single. Sometimes, that makes me stick out in my mind, but ultimately people love me all the more because I stand out ,and I am OK with that. I love them too.  It was a great night, and a long continued tradition of riding to the temple with Julie and Isaac Shaver. We've been doing that since Julie moved here. Traditions are awesome. I am tired, I think My dog is sick. good night.