Friday, April 26, 2013

A Mighty Fortress

 Once upon a time, I had walls. Thick ones. Impenetrable.  This year, those walls are coming down, Berlin style, with sledge hammers and all, brick by brick, section by section.

 My heart feels a great deal of freedom that its never felt before, I feel a great deal of confidence in who I am that I have never had before. I have a deeper trust in my friends than I have ever had before. It all sounds like a good thing, and I think mostly it is. However, there is one small detail that I don't think I had ever imagined.

  When you go a whole life time, without trusting or letting anyone in, and suddenly you just knock huge sections of walls down and trust  a lot of people at once with something really really personal, you feel things that you've never felt before, and that is overwhelming and terrifying.

 All week long I've been super sensitive. If you look at me. Not if you look at me wrong, just if you look at me, I may cry. Its not PMS. Its called a vulnerability hangover, and this one has been of epic proportions. I've had a hard time not hard core pushing people away this week. It might not seem like it, but I have. Part of me feels really threatened that so many people now know so much about me.  My emotions are just so raw and completely un protected, and I am feeling them so fully, no numbing effect to hide behind (well, OK, maybe some oreos and a glass of milk, but that about it.)

 The good thing about this is that, I have a lot of friends who care a whole heck of a lot about me, and they have all really been there for me this week, just as I needed them, just when I thought I was so overwhelmed I couldn't handle one more second. Friends are really great things to have, and awesome people to trust, well, at least my friends are.  A mighty fortress was my heart, but not any more, those walls have been tumblin down.

 Anyone else who has walls like i did, it may be painful for a little bit, when you start to take those suckers down ,but its so worth it.  Bad things might not be able to get through walls, but usually, neither can the good things.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Me and the Liahona App, and the Battery of My Soul.

In the past weeks I have become more spiritually sensitive, meaning I can tell when I am using my internal «Liahona app» and when I am starting to wonder a bit again.

I am also finding that I am just more sensitive, and things like an angry mob type atmosphere drain the battery of my soul, and make my Liahona app start to crash on me.
Its then time to charge that battery, not wait until its really low and about to die. The only way to charge it is to read  and study the scriptures.

You know just like the battery on your phone, the more things you do in life, the more you need to recharge your spirits battery. And just like a phone, some activities drain that battery even faster. Then its time for the sacrament and/or a temple recharge on top of the scripture recharge.

Dont forget to plug in and charge your spirit today, or you could end up wandering and wasting time as you temporarily loose contact with heaven because your battery died, or your liahona app crashed.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

What Is An Adult?

Different societies, cultures, religions, and individuals define adulthood differently. Over time those ideas have evolved even within particular cultures.  Some define being an adult by puberty, some by legal age, for some its when you get married, or have children. Maybe its when you move out and live on your own and can take care of yourself. For some you become an adult when you have sex, or for others, when you complete a mission, or some other quest or ritual.

 Those are all different ideas from different times, cultures, and generations. How do I define Adulthood? I don't know any more. I don't know how to put into words what it means to be an adult. I used to think when I turned 21 I'd magically feel like an adult. Then I thought when I came home from my mission. Next I thought I'd feel like an adult when I graduated from college, started a real job, and moved completely out on my own.  None of those things made me feel completely like an adult. I no longer felt like a teen, or a child, but even as I hit my thirties, I still didn't feel like an equal, like I was on par in adult hood with others my age or even younger.  I concluded I would not feel like an adult until I was married and had kids. 

 That thought is scary, because I may not ever get married and have kids. It might not happen. Does that mean I never become an adult in my own eyes? I mentioned these thoughts to a friend who then told me, that despite being married and having kids, he doesn't always feel like a full fledged adult either, he sometimes feels like he is just "playing house." 

 So what exactly is an adult? I don't know. But, I now finally feel like I am one.  This change occurred just over the past three weeks. I know what started it, I had a very difficult  and very personal moment with my parents, and with my brothers that kind of changed me. In that moment, I faced a fear I had been hiding from for most my life.  I put myself and my feelings and emotions completely on the line. A week later, I had a slight argument over some family business with my dad. I disagreed with him, I got what used to turn into a guilt trip. 

 But something strange happened, what used to make me feel guilty and obligated to change my opinion and put it in line with my families didn't. I stood by my decision, and defended it as the best and most prudent  course for me to take, and I didn't feel defensive or apologetic about it. It was my decision, and I stood by it.  

Other strange things have been happening, I have difficult tasks that have been needing to get done, and rather than waiting until I am forced to do them, I am just doing them. I am asking questions, making phone calls, and other crazy things, Not because I have to, but because I need to, and I am an adult so I can do it. Before I did things because I had to. 

 For example, I am looking into an number of Grad schools and programs. As I started this process, I got information very passively. After that moment when I became an adult, I started actively asking difficult questions that I needed to know the answers to, rather than just hopping I could inadvertently find out what I needed to know. 

 Only one thing has changed about me. I'm still kind of shy, I still hate talking on the phone, I still have things I have to do, that I would rather not do. The one thing that changed was,  that I really actually have confidence in who I am as an individual, as an adult.   

 Maybe the thing that each of us has to face that can give us that confidence is different. Maybe some will never find it. But I am going to say that that indefinable quality that makes one an adult is this mysterious self confidence that I found, a confidence that allows you to function at a higher level, and to do things you would have never thought possible before. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe that is just me. But I have the feeling that I am never going to feel like a second class citizen in the adult kingdom again. I feel like I've finally earned my place, and I belong.  No one can take that from me, and no one could have given it to me. I had to find it for myself. 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Feeling Lost, Lonely? This Post's For you.

This has been one of the oddest, most wonderful weeks of my life, and it all started on Fast Sunday, in Fast and Testimony meeting.

 I believe I was the last one up to bear my testimony. At the start of the meeting I had thought to myself,  you are going to end up their girl.  Then I thought  yeah, but I don't really have anything to say

The argument ended there. I really didn't. I felt incredibly blessed and taken care of, but completely emotionally drained due to personal conversations with my family over the past three weeks. To be honest, I've been more than a little depressed, and though I was fighting on, I just didn't feel I had enough fight left in me to go up and say anything into a microphone in front of a room full of people. 

 Conference was great. I loved it. I learned from it. I slept through a great deal of it (due to aforementioned emotional exhaustion.) and had to watch everything multiple times later to get anything out of it. I just was too tired to absorb anything. 

Then something inside of me was sparked. The spirit gave me a jolt of energy and pushed me on. There was one thing I had learned that I just had to share. Last week I published  that blog about the ten myths for singles.  As I read and reflected on that post, there was one thing that hit me that I had been struggling with more than anything else- The weight of making all the decisions, and having all the decisions responsiblity rest on my shoulder. As I complained to the Lord about this, and pleaded that he at least send me a roommate to bear some of the financial burdens so I didn't have so much weight, I got a pretty instant response, and It shocked me. 

 My dear daughter, Why are you making all the decisions on your own? you don't have to. You dont need a husband or a roommate for that, you have me. If you would lean on me like you are supposed to, I could take that burden and make it light for you, the responsiblilty wouldn't be so heavy, because you would know you counseled with me, and you made the correct choices.  

 In that moment  a light bulb had gone off in my head, and I started to consider that, but I didn't quite know how to implement it, untill I got up to bear my testiomony about it. As I started to share that experience, the spirit again began to teach me. I remembered the Liahona talked about in the book of Mormon, that it worked according to faith, and that When it was followed, they journed in a straight course, and when it wasn't they got lost and had to wonder in the wilderness till they were humbled and figured it out again.  

In that moment, as I was saying those words, I realized, my liahona had been broken, and unheaded. From that moment on I determied that I would rely on the lord to be my guide, that I would do whatever I felt directed by the spirit to do, that I would research whatever needed researching, and take whatever course it pointed.  The spindles of the spirit again begain to  point my heart in the direction to take. 

 Monday, I decided to go to my friends for FHE. As I was there, my depression lifted, and I felt light and recharged again. The magic of children and gospel teachings filled my heart, Write in your journal and your blog was the message to me of the night. I started writing in my journal again. 

Tuesday I listened to saturday morning and afternoon and the priesthood sessions of General conference. Every talk had a message directly to me- Go on  in courage, do all the scary things you need to do. You need to do them, and you need to do them now. This is your mission and your time. Have faith, not fear.

 I came home from work determined to start. But my allergies were killing me, So I took a nap instead.  I didn't want to go to Addiction Recovery Meeting, but I woke up just in time and decided to go. It was like a pep rally if ever there was one. I was again encourage to continue on in what I felt I should do.  

Again, I arrived home, and again I felt my allergies were just too much to concentrate. I was still feeling very emotional about the events in Boston, where I have some friends, and I was about to put it all off. Then I saw a blog post from a friend who is a Marathon runner. I read a few lines,  “But this is life. Things happen. Often what we have planned is not what the lord had planned.”   I lost all sleepiness. I began to compose a message to the friends and people I felt inspired that I should talk to about a few personal things, and share my testimony. Every person I chose to put on that list the spirit told me to put there. I listened, even if it scared me a little.  

I hit send,  and I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew no matter the response, I would be able to handle whatever came. What I learned in the end was how truely loved and supported I am. I am glad I decided to rely on the lord, and to listen to the spirit, and to do hard things. Many of my friendships are going to be a whole lot better because of it. Dispite all odds, to this point, after well over 30 people have replied, not one was negative, even though I was told to brace myself for that inevitable negative moment to come. Instead, I just trusted that when it does, I would be able to handle it. I could handle any question that needed to come my way, everything would be ok. No FEAR, just faith.  

 There are many trials in the world. We all face them, we all have our thing that can defeat us if we let it, if we dont "Trust in the lord with all (our) hearts and lean not to (our) own understanding."  the words of Nephi come back to me tonight as I reflect on the strengthening I have recieved this week, and the confirmation of my leap of faith "the Lord giveth no bcommandments unto the children of men, save he shall cprepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." 

After the past month, I have no doubt that I will have more "mountains to climb" in the future. Sometimes they may appear to be very daunting and jagged. But as long as my liahona is working, I can sail any ocean, I can find and make the tools I need, I can find my way. I wont be lost, I wont be alone, and I never ever have to make any decision by myself. Jesus was not lying when he said that he would bare our burdens, when he said  "my yolk is easy and my burden is light."  

Dude, My burdens have never been so light, my path has never been so easy. I have never been less alone. No matter what you must face, trust God,  and you can do it, and it will not only be ok, it will be the most wonderful feeling you have ever felt in your life.  


Writers Block

Do you know how many blog posts I have started and never finished in the past week? obviously no. You do not. because I never posted them. They were many. 

 I don't know what it is, I have these really great ideas I start writing about. Hilarious things like how I say "no worries" all the time because my Mission President was Australian and we just said it as missionaries and it stuck . 

 Or that day I was going to tell you how I came up with the concept of an Enchilada Burger, and I made one and it was so tasty I was going to give you the recipe. 

I could tell you about the effect of over the counter allergy meds on my mind, but .. yawn... well, 

 they make my brain feel fuzzy and sluggish and sleepy, so I think I will go take a nap now. But also, I am starving, so I'm gonna see if I have any yummy Enchilada Burgers left. 

 Another unfinished blog post- well, No worries. I'll write something good soon. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Percy Jackson and My Life

 I recently finished reading both the Red Pyramid, and the Percy Jackson series of books written by Rick Riordan. I loved these books!!!  

 I love learning about history, and mythology, and I love that sort of adventure story with a good guy to root for and a bad guy to root against. I learned while I was entertained. Its the perfect combination. I think though, on a deeper level, there were some things from old mythologies that really connected with me on a religious level.  

 In the Red Pyramid and its sequel, what stood out to me the most was the importance and power of names. I think Latter-day saints off all people should be aware of  how powerful and important names are. After all, we have had re emphasised  more than once how important it is that we know the name of our church  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, each part of that has a special meaning, and was given specifically in revelation from God. But even our nick name, Mormon, from the Book of Mormon, named for the Prophet Mormon, who's name, if I remember correctly means "more good." Bottom line, names are important, they have power. Fear of the name, increases fear of the thing itself.. .and so on.  I loved that.

 Percy Jackson reminded me of a few things. For one, we are all literally spirit children of God, so in a way, you could say we are like the Demi-Gods of the books. We come here, we don't really know who we are, our full potential or any of that stuff, and Satan and his monsters attack us sometimes because he knows what we could become. But when we find out who we really are, that's when we really can come under attack.  Another similarity I noticed were the number of the Demi-God hero children  that felt that they had been abandoned by their god/parent, because they were left alone to fight their battles. In reality, for most instances that wasn't the case, and the Hero either didn't recognize the love their parent/god was trying to show them, didn't accept their gifts, or didn't know the full story. There was a reason those gods limited their interactions and didn't interfere directly in the affairs of their children- they had to determine their own destiny.  Sometimes people in our world wonder how God can let horrible things happen in our lives, tragedies and so forth, failing to see the great things it can make of us, or the further damage that interference could have done.  

 These are just a few similarities to my beliefs and the wonderful fictional series I read.  Lot can be learned from fiction and old myths. There are always bits of truth hidden in what we think are myths and fairy tails, often  even deep and profound truths, if we take the time to think about them.  Ah, go read a book already. Good nigh!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Myths About Singles

 One of my blog readers shared their blog with me. In it she debunked 10 myths about being single. I'd like to encourage you all to read that.  Everything she said completely resonated with me

In case you don't want to go all the way there, here were 10, and how I feel about them

1. You can hang out with your friends and pretty much do what you want, whenever you want to.
    yeah, most of my friends are now married, the ones that aren't don't live super close, and we are all super busy. Since I live alone, and don't handle that well, I try to plan parties to get some time with friends. I probably need time with my friends more than married people, because otherwise Its just me and my dog. If I didn't have my dog, I'd seriously die from loneliness. I have a great deal of friends, so this helps because if I didn't at least get some time with other people, It wouldn't take long for me to become very seriously depressed.

2. You don't have kids, so you must have lots of extra money (or you have blown all your money on fun). 
    My friend from Smilingldsgirl nailed this one so much on the nose, I'm just going to quote her 
" In reality married people statistically are wealthier and healthier than their single counterparts.  Even if you don’t have a two income household, in most marriages you have two people managing the budget and making decisions.  Plus, everything is more expensive for just one person.  Food is more, taxes are more, rent is more etc." 

 I would like to add, with my work schedule, if I hit a financial problem, I have so little time left over in my day, that it would be impossible for me to work an extra job and still take care of the necessities of running a house hold. I'm pretty much already maxed out. 

3. You must have tons of free time since you don't have kids
 I have two nights a week, maybe three that I don't have full each and every week.  I have 11.5 or more hours M-F of working/commuting. I still have to cook dinner, clean my house, and do all the yard work, all by myself. One person is slightly less mess, but weeds and dust still grow about the same in a single persons house as they do in a family's.  I have callings, any thing that needs to be done for my house hold, I am the sole person with responsibility to take care of it- running errands, paying bills, fixing my car. All those things take time.  This is part of the reason I average 4-5 hrs sleep on week nights

4. You must get plenty of sleep because you don't have kids
 I average 4-5 hrs sleep on week nights, 6-7 hrs on weekends.
     No, I don't have to run kids everywhere, or get them to be quiet or not wake me up. I still get way less sleep than I should. Part of this is insomnia, part of it is I just have too much to do, and I don't have time to sleep. Just like you, If I am needing some me time It has to cut into my sleep time. 

5. “You’re single. You must travel all the time”
        since moving to Washington,five years ago,  I have traveled home to visit my family, I have traveled to Philly once and to Kansas City, Mo once to do training for work.  I travelled to Navoo that first year to pick up my brother from his mission (in lieu of my semi- annual trip to Utah to visit my family.) I have got on a road trip to Forks, WA ( about 4 hrs from my house), I've gone to Portland, Or, ( 3 hrs from my house), and I've gone to Victoria, BC  over night with my aunts. (also not more than 4 hours from my house).     I don t have time or money to travel. I don't want to travel alone, its scary and dangerous and expensive.         I don't have time or money to travel.    That said, you all know I am going to Ireland and Lithuania in about a month and a half ish,   I am not paying for most of this trip, and that is why I can go.  I am also now working / commuting 12.5 hrs a day at least once usually two or three times a week  so that I can have enough paid leave time to go.   I have a dog, dogs are surprisingly like kids in many ways. They can be left alone longer, but not two weeks or more, they need attention and love, and food and water. They are easier than kids, I am not saying your kids are exactly like my dog, but they do come with costs and responsiblity, and care and time needs.  I have to arrange for the dog if I go out of town, and that can be expensive.   Being single, for most people, doesn't make travel easier, especially single women. 

6. You are so lucky because you get to do things the way you want to
    I don't want to settle down to much, because I could get married at any time. So I only rent, I never buy a house.  My future seems too uncertain, so I leave things in kind of a transitional state. Also, I usually have a roommate. That requires compromise, and since I rotate roommates about every 8 months to a year, I have to adjust to a whole new person and new issues and new compromises every time. I thought that was exhausting, till I didn't have a roommate.  I planned to change some things and just do them my way when she moved out, but I haven't had time. yeah, I get a some freedom in this right now, but also there is the draw back of every single decision resting on my shoulders.  to quote my friend again ..  
 " You have all the pressure of every decision on you.  There is no partner to discuss situations with or lighten the load.  Something like which loan to get or how much to pay in a down payment had to be made by me and only me. I had to do all the research and get all the inspiration.  Any mistakes lie squarely on my shoulders. That’s tough."          That has been a tough thing for me. Making every choice all the time makes me tired.

7. “You must hate it when your friends set you up on dates”
       No, I don't. Please do! Just as long as you know, it may not work out, and you are OK with that, I want to get married, and none of the guys I know are working for me in that respect, please introduce me to some new ones, you never know what will happen.   Just please never tell me I am not trying hard enough to get married. If you are saying that, you don't know anything about me.  Also, please understand that there is something called trying too hard, and that is worse than not trying. I'm  open to opportunities should they present themselves, and I try to dedicate some of my limited time to creating those opportunities, but I need a new pond to fish at the moment it seems. 

8. “You’re single so I should avoid talking about my family and kids around you”.
 Absolutely not!!  Please talk about your school closure, your kid having this or that social or emotional issue, all the stuff about having babies!!   I may have an awkward look on my face, or not know what to say, but this is precisely why I decided to move to a family ward- I want to understand your world. Plus, you are my friend, and I want to know what is going on in your life. Honestly I need you to talk about these things so I can learn, and also so I can feel less awkward hanging out with married people in the future. If I hear about these things, learn about them, I can have an opinion, and at some point I can add to the conversation. For now, I will just listen and learn, and that is great.  Plus, I love kids,  and I'm in the Primary, so I need to understand them better to do my calling. 

9.  “You’re single because you have chosen to be single”.
I want to be married.  
 This has mainly come from my parents, and or siblings, and my parents friends. If you think this, you don't know me.  Am I am amazingly awesome? yes I am. Are there some guys that I think wanted to date and marry me? yes, there were.  Should I have married them? Absolutely not.   so I guess, yes I chose to be single, over being divorced, or miserably married. I believe marriage is for eternity, and you should choose as wisely as possible the first time.   If I had met someone that  worked for me, and I for him I would have married in a heart beat.  There have been some guys I really wanted to marry, they didn't want to marry me. That's life, it happens.   I am not overly  picky, I do give the guys a fair shot, sometimes more than a fair shot, and  I think that's all that can be done. One shouldn't compromise one's eternal happiness, or families happiness just because society pressures you to be married by a certain age. 

10. “You’re single so you are not a full adult”
        this is both and outward and an internal problem.  My counselor in recent weeks has encouraged me to remind myself " I am 31, I am an adult."   I often feel like a less than completely valid adult, this may be because of external pressures as my friend describes 
        " For singles that are over 30 we resent when it is assumed we are still the same as 20 year old singles.  While I have friends of many ages I have learned a lot in the proceeding years and hopefully have become wiser and better.   I loved my college years so in a way its kind of flattering to be looked at as younger than I am but it can also feel a bit patronizing."      I am not a college student, sometimes I still feel like I am treated as one, probably worse though is what she put as myth 11, falling under your parents "Family umbrella"  I have an example of this.  
  I went home for a family visit. We had family photos. We did a big family group photos, then photos of my brothers and their wives and kids as individual family units. We did a photo of  my parents and the grand kids.  Because I am single , I never got a photo outside the entire family. This made me feel really pretty much like they were saying "because you are not married, we don't consider you an adult". My mom, in all fairness apologized and recognized they should have taken a picture of me  without me pointing it out to her, but the fact that they didn't even realize I wasn't treated as an adult or individual was pretty much highlighted in that moment.  When I go home to visit my family, my dad still tries to assign me chores like I was a college student moving home for the summer, not as a guest in his house.  I don't mind helping out, but please don't treat me like I am still living under your roof, and you are paying my way in life, I work  hard to do that myself. 
         However, I am the worst culprit in this one. I hesitate to share my opinion's when I am with married friends. I defer to them as much as possible, because really, deep inside, I don't consider myself a valid adult. In fact, my counselor, again had to tell me a few weeks ago that its OK to make choices for myself and not always just do things because that's what my parents told me I should do, when they don't even always do them themselves.  I'm working on this one. Help is appreciated. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Mountains to Climb, Waterfalls not to Fall Into

I just had the strangest dream, and I feel the need to share it. I found myself hiking in a mountain area, near a river at the base of a very, very, large and cascading waterfall. I began to walk along the banks of the river toward the waterfall. When I got to the base of the waterfall, there seemed to be a climbing path that looked like a fair amount of people had made it up. I don't know why I wanted to climb this, I think a part of me was thinking "This is a great challenge" and the other part of me thought "If I die doing it, I die, lets go!"  

 I began to scale the rocks. It wasn't as difficult as I thought. It was surprisingly dry, and the hand holds were all in my reach. It was a work out, but the challenged felt exhilarating.  When I reached 3/4's of the way up I hit a spot where there was a very large rock, smooth with no hand holds and just out of my reach. At first attempt, I thought I could totally bridge the gap, but as I attempted, I nearly fell of the rocks. Fear now slightly gripped my heart. I tried, some what more cautiously again and again. I tried different approaches, but I just couldn't reach it on my own, I was just barley too short. 

 I looked down, which scared me even more, because I'm kind of afraid of heights. I realized that I couldn't go back down, that would be too dangerous as well.  I felt trapped on the mountain. At the top of the mountain I saw my family and friends. I cried for help. Some of them who were very apt climbers heard me, and climbed down to where I was. They were taller than me, so that rock wasn't as big of a challenge to them, and they were able to help me climb up past that gap by one of them being behind me, securing me, and the other reached out from above to help pull me onto the large bolder. Once over that rock, we went on, and were able to safely reach the top of the waterfall where there was a nice ranger station, and all sorts of food, water and comfort. 

I looked down from the top, I was proud of what I accomplished From the top it looked even bigger than it had when I started out.My friend that pulled me up was standing next to me, and I turned and said,  "I climbed all of that?! And I only got help at that one rock?" What I had accomplished amazed me. I was pleased with what I had done, and that I hadn't died in the process.  

 At the same time, I felt an extraordinary sense of gratitude, I thanked my friends, without them, I could never have made it alone. My friends were also pleased that I had made it up alive. We went to the lodge and had a well earned rest and some hot chocolate. 

 It made me think of a General Conference talk by president Eyring one year ago, called "Mountains to Climb"  Its a really really good talk, about how to handle trials in our life. There are many things he mentioned about how to strengthen our selves to find the strength to endure and overcome trials, but I think its significant, all along the reassurance he gives us that we are not alone. We have each other, friends, families, ward members, neighbors, angles round about us, but most importantly we have our Savior Jesus Christ. 

Elder Eyring said "If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up.10 And He always keeps His word."
I feel like I am climbing some mountains right now, in life. I think many if not all of us are. I am happy with what I have been able to accomplish, but having been stuck at that rock, I know I cannot make it on my own, I am just not tall enough. No matter how hard I try, alone, I fall short. But, I also know, when I call for help it comes, in the form of friends, family, my ward, but most importantly the Savior and his Atonement. He really will always keep his word and help us out But, I have to humble myself and ask for help, I have to be willing to accept that help. If I pridefully continue to try to go it alone, I cannot make it. 

 The Lord does require enough humility that we ask for help. He says "Ask and ye shall receive, Knock and it shall be opened unto you."  We are told he gives us weaknesses so that we "may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them."          (ether 12:27) 

Its something to think about before Conference this weekend. I have a lot to learn about how to climb mountains, that was quite a dream. Check out Elder Eyrings talk. . 

To all my friends, thank you for all your help in overcoming the large boulders in my life. Together, we can reach the top.