MMB

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Whats the bleeping point?

Im writing this from my tent. Im out camping, and im trying really hard to have a fun time, but im massively failing.

Last year, around this time of year I tried to push all my closest friends away. They didnt let me, and it started me of on the biggest year of change of my life.

In preperation for this camping trip, I went shopping for supplies with a friend. One of our topics of conversation was how much I have changed in the past year. She pegged it at about a 75% change in one years time.

I asked her if she thought I had changed for the better, and she did think so.

But lying here alone in my tent, I wonder if it is. Or maybe if it was too much too fast. Its been a hard year. Ive worked so hard and did so many  hard things, and Ive been blessed to have some amazing people come into my life.

I have one of the most supportive family wards a person could ever dream of, and an adopted family more loving and inclusive than i could have ever dreamed.

I had a miraculos and wonderful trip to Europe and was a part of something most amazing.

Dispite all this, Dispite the constant encouraging texts of love and support, Ive never felt more alone.  And dispite all the good changes Ive made, Its hard to see past all the short comings and failures i still have.

And so, just like all summer, the weekends i planned to have the greatest fun with people I love and care about Im alone, and it just doesnt seem worth the cost.

Im not going to give up, and Im not going to quit moving forward. Ill do the best I can to have a great time this weekend, but it all just seems so hollow.

I wish I were home, at least there I have a fuzzy white dog that loves me to bits no matter what I say or do. With him, Im never alone. Im never such a big jerk that he wont forgive me in an instant and go back to wagging his tail and being happy.

Maybe Ill become a dog lady. I think I piss people off too easy. Well, enough tears for one night. I have river rafting in the morning. Lights out.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Prep for camping like a,mad mand

Last night, one of my friends had the rare privillage to go shopping in preperation for a camping trip. I have no idea what she thought of the experience, but here is what I would have thought if I were her.

My shopping style consists not of lists or any normal way of knowing what i need, but of knowing which sections of wal-mart I need to get stuff from and then wondering down the isles asking "Do I need this?" It takes about an hour to two hours.

I started out in cosmetics. I bought a lot of cosmetics, considering this is a camping trip. Am I camping, or glamping? You may wonder.  I am going for somewhere in between obviously, because its a singles campout, and im going it alone, and im hoping to meet friends not drive them away.

Next we moved on to outdoors. I needed propane tanks. No fires at all this year, so i borrowed a camp stove, and it needs propane. As i wondered down the camping isle, i added a first aid kit. Im gonna be a back up boat captain on the rafting trip, heaven help us all. (but dont tell my boat that). We looked at other things. Should i get more sunscreen? No. What about a snake bite kit? That one I had to think about. Two years ago on this same trip me and my friend happened upon a snake in the road, we got close because i thought it was a stick, then i screemed and we ran away. But, I dont want to think about that. No, no snake bite kit.  I considered water proof bags, for the rafting trip. I forgot to get a squirt gun.

We moved on to electronics, where i realized i had no idea what toner cartridge my printer needs. I will be returning for that and the squirt gun tonight. Never raft unarmed, ive seen The River Wild.

Next we headed to food. Here the real conundrums set in. No fire. Id normally get a lot of things that only taste good on a fire, when you are camping, but no fire. I got marshmellows and fudgestripe cookies any way. From this point out, ever five minutes I'd ask? Do I want hotdogs? Then I'd say, "No, no fire."

My friend began to question my sanity. "I think you want hot dogs" she said  "yeah, but no fire" I said. "I wont eat them, no fire" we wondered through food, I picked up tinfoil, beef jerky. I thought about more cookies and candy, then I felt unhealthy, so i grabbed potatoes and mushrooms and peppers to go with all my meat, cheese and chips.

Im gonna need a good knife. Why do i want to do potatoes? Im gonna need half my kitchen to cook all this.

With everything Im bringing its a good thing im driving up alone and have my tent to myself for storage space. I'll make friends to help me eat all this, Who am I kidding, Im bringing a cot. I am glamping!!!! I guess when you reach 30, you become a wimp, and decided you are done roughing it. Well, at least Im back up boat captain, I havent lost my sense of adventure entirely.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Leaving Candy Crush To Visit April 1982

I've probably meant to share something with you for two days now, but every time I get on the computer to write my blog, Im distracted by putting colorful candies into groups of three or more in columns and rows, and then I forget why I wanted to write.

 Im out of lives, and I still have a half hour till I have to be somewhere, so now I think I remember.

It all started Sunday, when after having a really hard time for months now, I finally decided to go get a blessing. So I did. I only have one relevant thing from that to share- I was told to remember the important things I learned on my mission.  The next morning I woke up with a feeling I haven't really had in a while, a feeling I got a lot on my mission. I woke up with the feeling that if I had faith, followed the spirit, and so forth I would have faith that could make miracles happen in my life and the lives of others.  As I pondered this I realized that was one of the greatest things I learned on my mission, God is very aware of me, and my needs, and of others, and if I listen, he helps both of us, or all of us, or many of us at once, by inspiring me to go where I am needed and do what I should.

 I'll mention one more thing from the blessing, I was told to imerse myself in the scriptures and the words of the prophets.So instantly when I got on the bus, I decided to hit the scriptures on my LDS whats it app. (thats for you grandma B, plus I really dont remember what the app is called, so we'll call it a whats it in your honnor).

Any way, I decided to go to Moroni 7, because that is a great place to start if you have faith and miracles on the brain. So I did and it was great.  Then I went to work and didn't want to listen to conference while working yet, so I listened to the Celine Dion station of pandora, where God sent me subtle  reminders to listen to the words of the prophets.  mainly with this song...

So, after that song finished, I said, Ok fine, but I dont know where to start. Then I had a thought. If I dont know where to start, I should start with the first conference of my life and move forward. So I did. I found some of the most perfect talks for me right now. But first I found two very monotone talks that were hard to listen to. I almost gave up, till I talked to my mom. Glad I didn't because these were just what I needed...

it is on the importance of honesty, and what it means to be truly honest. I loved this talk. It has been my goal this year to become absolutely honest with myself, with God and with others. And this talk gave me a chance to reflect on that goal, and how I am doing. 

Begin Again- Elder Hugh Pinnock
This talk was about starting over when you make a mistake, not beating yourself up, but trusting Christ, moving forward, and forgiving yourself and others. I have spent a lot of the past few months beating myself up, so It was time to begin again. This was by far my favorite talk of the morning.  so i will share his eight points. First, eliminate from our thinking and our vocabulary the phrase “if only I had done something differently.”
Second, do not wait for tomorrow to begin again
Third, resolve to live the gospel of Jesus Christ in its entirety
Fourth, face reality.Sometimes we wish we could fly from our troubles.  Some try to fly away physically, and others try to do so emotionally. That does not solve problems. The only true escape route is marked with the sign “personal responsibility.” 
(I think this reminds me a bit of the first and third talks on honesty)
Fifth, approach our challenges positively!
Sixth, don’t begin again partially. Be complete!
Seventh, be open and candid in your relationships with others. So many of life’s difficulties are brought about by being double-minded. Let us learn to say it as it is.The person who is open and honest will be vindicated. Time is his friend. Trust is his reward.
(again, this reminds me of the two talks on truth)
Last, and perhaps the hardest of all, forgive. 
Probably that is the most important step too. forgive- yourself, and others.



We Believe in Being Honest- Elder Mark E. Peterson
I spot a theme developing. Another great talk on what it means and why we must tell the truth, even if its hard to do, and may seem to cause greater problems in the short run of things.

and one more favorite...
True Greatness (then Elder) Howard W.Hunter
I really loved this talk, especially learning what a trophy was, and how to become great.

I got all the way through the Saturday sessions. I now intend to listen to every Conference address broadcast in my lifetime. It was intersting to hear them talk of Marriage and family- focusing on problems of rising divorce, and even they brought up pornography back then. It was way cool to know in my life time thus far that church membership has increased by 10 million members. Temples more than quadrupled, and that back in the day they had so little to worry about when reading statistics, they even said how many deacons and teachers there were in the church.          
                                                                                                 
This was a very interesting opportunity to learn some new things, and I am glad I had that inspiration, it was just what I needed to hear. I can't wait to hear what other surprises the Lord has in store for me, and tender mercies, and miracles.                                                                                                                                 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Fiery Darts

 Have you ever felt like you had a target on your back? Like the Adversery was using you for fiery dart target practice?  Do you ever feel like " mighty winds"  or "shafts in the whirlwinds" or "all his hail and mighty storms"are beating down upon you?

 What can you do when you feel like that? If you build upon that rock writen about in Hel 5, It just says you'll weather the storm, it doesn't say you'll see fluffy bunnies and feel comfy coasy, just that you'll weather it.

Nephi says the key to fiery darts is the word of God. What about those times when you redouble your efforts to "hold to the rod" and are digging into the word of God and read your scriptures, and then you just feel that fiery dart practice gets doubled too?

 There are two more scriptures on fiery darts, One in the passage to Joseph Smith after he had lost the 180 pages. It says   in D & C 3 that if you are faithful, God will extend his arm and support you against  all the fiery darts of the advesary, and in  D&C 27 we read that its the sheild of faith that quenches these darts.

 None of these say you wont feel any of the heat, basically you will survive it, and be less injured by it. Here is where I randomly throw in some Pink lyrics.
 "where there is disire there is gonna be  a flame, when there is a flame then you're gonna get burned. Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. you gotta get up  and try, try try."

obviously the less you expose yourself to the fiery dart, the less its gonna burn, but sometimes that sheild of faith gets a little heated up. Don't drop it, hold on. you're not gonna die,  because as long as you are holding on to that shield, God wil extend his arm and support you against those fiery darts.

Sometimes life just feels like you are on the wrong end of target practice. It does that.  Its important to know that you can survive, and how to survive when it does.

  There are two scriptures about when people were depressed and about ready to give up.
Ammon and his bretheren on their missions:
"now when our hearts were depressed and we were about to turn back, behold the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy bretheren the Lamanites and bear with patience thine afflictions and i will give unto you success."

and  When Helemans armies came just in time for some very battle weary Nephite soldiers :
" yea and they were depressed in body as well as in spirit, for they had fought valiantly by day and toiled by night to maintain their citties; and thus they had suffered great afflictions of every kind. And they were determined to conquer in this place or die; therefore you may well suppose that this little force which I brought with m, yea, those sons of mine, gave them great hopes and much joy.

 Sometimes, Gods hand is directly seen swatting off those arrows for us, and sometimes, he sends in a little band of angels to give us great hopes and much joy.  You are still going to have to tough out the battle, but if you trust him, you wont die from it.

 I think, out of everyone I know, there are a lot of us feeling like target practice.  I'm gonna get all Michael McClean on you right now.... Hold on, the light will come. Keep fighting. I think I've seen this talk quoted many times as well  from Elder Holland:  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/10/an-high-priest-of-good-things-to-come?lang=eng     or  the shorter mormon messages version https://www.lds.org/church/good-things-to-come?lang=eng

It was given, for fiery dart kind of days.  So if you are having one, read it, watch it.  and "“Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.” Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ,they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." 

 You can't become a great sword without a forgers fier. You can't become a tasty cake without and oven and some heat,  you can't become what God wants you to without weathering some crazy storms and some fiery dart attacks,  but He is the master sword maker guy,  he is greater than a master chef or a top chef, or a top chef master, and he wont let you burn as a cake.  That temperature is going to get hot, but he wont over do it, just remember what you are becoming. 

Monday, August 19, 2013

You Know Why You Are Awesome?

 Do you know why you are awesome?
There are many reasons, which I wont go into here,
but there is one reason I will.

 You are awesome, because you are my friend.
No, its not because I am awesome and I choose only the most awesome friends,
though one could argue that.

You are awesome because you are my friend,
and if you are still my friend after all these years,
I have undoubtably put you through some crap.
I've probably tried to push you away.
I've probably been mean, or crazy a bit.
I've probably said something that could have hurt or offended you,
or I've been selfish or inconsiderate of your feelings, or some how broke your trust.
I never meant to, but I do stuff like that.

So if you are still my friend, it means you love me even though I'm not perfect,
even though I'm human- maybe even because I'm human.
You loved me and forgave me when I was a selfish doo doo head.
And you know what, I love you for that. I love you for loving me so much.
and I love you even more when you let me know I am being a doo doo head
so that I can fix it.  Becasue I dont like being a doo doo head.
I like being your friend. =)

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Chillin In An Airport, Glad Its Not Toronto

The Toronto pearson airport has got to be the most boreing awful place a person could ever be trapped for a seven hour layover. I can tell you I will go to great lengths to never have to go there ever again.

That said, Im not in Toronto, and I have an hour till my plane leaves, so Im pretty happy and the magic of air travel has returned.

One thing Ive learned on my recent travels is that every country seems to do security different. What you need to take out, how they check you, etc. wouldnt it be nice if they atleast standardized what you need to take out of your bag? I found that very confusing.

Any way, today was quite simple, and it only took me fifteen minutes to get through.

I took link (light rail) directly from work to the airport. It was a nice short easy  half hour ride. The only problem I had was it looks like the homeless people have been using the stair wells of the lightrail station as a urinal, and all the escalators were down so I had to dog dried  pee stains.

Now im in, ive got my earplanes so my ears wont suffer pain and hearing loss from this flight (ive narrow eustaschion tubes-thanks dad  ;-) ). I've had my dinner, and I now have my first copy of a marie claire magazine to pass my time. I guess all my watching project runway made me a sucker for subliminal advertising. Thanks Nina Garcia!  That combined with an intreguing article about Zooey Deschanel. oh my! Who have I become?

Oh well, embrace change, right? Well, one last chance for a real bathroom for 2.5 hrs. Im off.

Peace, out.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

If People Came With Instructions

I once thought I was an incredibly easy to read person, whos heart was proudly displayed on her sleeve.

In the past year, I've come to realize that may not so much be the case. I do have some friends who are very talented at spotting my moods. I think this is probably due to them being similarly inclined in their range of moods as me, and because they are observant and care.

Some days, I think Im really obviously irratable. Those are the days I have people say to me "oh, i couldnt tell, you seemed perfectly cheery to me."

Well people, it may be time we learned that people cannot read our minds and a little communication helps a lot.

Like say for instance, if instead of going silent and isolating myselg, and hunkering down waiting for someone to intrude my solitude and incure my wrath, maybe I could just tell people, hey, im having a difficult day, i really need to focus and not be disturbed, could you email or message me rather than coming up and interupting me?

Thats one thought.
Any way, this post is going to be about me. So heres some instructions for you.

1. If Im singing, im probably in a decent mood. Unless all the songs are depressing, I may be sad, but if im singing about it, Im approachable...unless...

2. If I start singing in my car, talking and listening is done. Sing along, and we can talk after this song.

3.If I feel there is some unresolved issue between us, i will want to talk about it until its fixed. If you cut me off from resolving it, with out at least a little talking, or a time frame of when we can talk, all I am going to do is think about what I want to talk about with you until we can have that conversation. It will drive me insane.

4.I dont like big dramatic exits and entrances into and out of my life. I also don't like to make big dramatic entrances and exits from others lifes. Any leaving on a bad note will reference right back to number 3. I hate conflict and drama, and when I feel things are unresolvable, I get dramatic and I hate that.

5. If I ever say I need space, give me three days to a week by myself, and then a graduated reentry to your life.

6. If you say you need space, and its going to be more than a week or two, you need to provide specific instructions of what you expect-
  A) if we meet up by accident
   Are we being civil? Or pretending the other doesnt exist?

B)if there is a social gathering we both will likely attend, same question.

C) do you plan with time that this should eventually be resolved and we will be ok, or is this to be a contenuous thing? If this is for the long hall, and you really dont want me to keep trying to fix it, I recomend that you gradually fade out, or be very clear and direct about the fact we are now mortal enemies.

I can read social cues, and play the guess in the moment game, but most likely the thought of running into you and not knowing what will be expected of me will cause me so much anxiety that im going to be a big grouch to you and everyone for the entire event and then some.

7. If you tell me that you will reply to me by a certain date, or that we should plan to do something on a certain date, and that time aproaches, and passes without me hearing a word from you, i will probably freak out on you, because dispite my best efforts to think positive, I jumped to the worst possible conclusion.
Just tell me it will be delayed and an approximate new date and I will be fine and not do this.
If you just forgot, and you get a feeaked out response from me like  what happened? Are you ok? Why havent I heard from you?
Go ahead and just say you forgot, but reasure me (if it really is true) that you want to do it, and set another time. If you jake me twice, i will probably take it personally, so if you need to change again let me know as soon as possible.    

On these same lines, on behalf of a friend that mentioned this, if you miss someones wedding because you forgot, unlesz you are close friends and were expected, dont mention it, they didnt notice you werent there any way and you just made it worse. If you are a close friend, youd better have a valid excuse, a present, and be preparred to show you are truely sad, and then, move on. Dont dwell on it.

8. If you are my friend, and I missed your wedding reception because some men in kilts were throwing big polls, i keep bringing it up because i really am sorry, and feel very bad about my poor time management skills. I will do my best to not bring it up again.

9. I like to get really awkward things over with as quickly as possible. If you like to drag them out, im going to make it twenty times more awkward for you, because its going to build in my head while you stall.
  
10. If you forgot my name, ask me. I probably forgot yours too, and will welcome the chance to find out again. I didnt forget your face
, or the personal details you told me, just your name. Im horrible at names.

11. If you want to know something about me ask. I have a whole lot of awkward in my life I like to talk about and share, but dont, because I dont want to make you feel awkward with my weirdness.

12. If you dont know what to ask, but want to know more about 11, just say, tell me more about 11.

13. I like communication, but i am often misunderstood. If i say anything or do anything that you feel hurtby, take offense to, or are weirded/creeped out by, ask me. Im pretty honest about things, and i'll let ya know what i intended.

14. If ever I am not communicating clearly, and you want to know whats going on in my head, ask, and ye shall recieve.

15. If im angry, give me space, if im sad give me a hug, if im tired give me a nap, if im hungry, dont give me mint or avocados, but give me food or a chance to get food, if Im happy, dance and sing with me, and if im lonely, come and rescue me. If im needing to reflect, let me walk alone. If your not sure what I need, ask. Ill try to just tell you. If I tell you what I need, just know that its because I dont expect you to read my mind.

Love to you all,

Mandi

Ps Id like to add that this is not passively agressively directed at anyone. Its simply what i have learned from my life experience, and some of it was from a very positive experience recently where a few people did some things right and my stress was reduced, my patience increased, and things got resolved better than usual.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Open, Honest Communication

I have this really crazy idea, that has become my life Philosophy, that if people take the time to communicate with each other completely openly and honestly, with caring, patience and a desire to truely understand the other persons point of view, and work through things, if people did that, i feel like about 90% of all problems could be solve.

I feel like if peope faced reality, rather than running from it, life would be a lot less scarry.

Its kind of funny, but I think we as human beings like to live in alternative realities, because we imagine reality to be more scary than it is, we think "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!!"

The funny thing is, I've noticed something, we tend to make our alternative realities either way better or way worse than the truth, and though truth can be hard to swollow, I would say, its always better than when reality comes crashing through our greatest dreams, or than living in the terror of our nightmares.

So, even though in real life, my open honest communication technique doesnt work as idealy as i always imagine, i still feel its a far better way to live than in the worst case senario that my unchecked brain will inevitably create to fill a vacume of communication and the void of lifes ambiguities.

Crazy as it is, I still think the truth sets us free.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Sad Songs Say So Much

As I was on my way home tonight, jewel came on the radio singing Foolish Games. Its one of those songs that everytime I hear it, I just have to sing along, and then hear it again. Its one of those songs that just feel like someone took my deepest sorrows and pains of my soul and by the power of its music, its bitter sweetness, my soul and my pains are expressed then healed.

In honnor of this, here is my top twelve Sad Songs that heal my wounded soul, in whatever order I think of them.
12. Supperman - Five for Fighting
11. Hello World -Lady Antibellum
10. Foolish Games -Jewel
9. Dont speak - no doubt
8. My Imortal- evanessance
7. Everybody Hurts- R.E.M.
6. Hurt - Johny Cash
5.be still my soul - mo tab choir
4. Jar of Hearts Christina Perry
3. The one That Got Away -Katie Perry

2.The Dance - Garth Brooks
1. I'm Moving on - Rascal Flats  

What are yours?

Dew Town Mandi

I dont know about you, but me and my friends are all big fans of the hit brittish drama Downton Abbey. Well, this post isnt really about downton abbey, but it will have at least as much drama.

So, this week, ive already been a little on the dramatic side. Im angry, irrational, sad, and the suddenly bouncing off the walls crazy enough that one of my friends was like "I think Mandi is drunk" I wasnt drunk, but yeah, it pretty much seemed like it.

In a much milder version than today this has been my week. I am partly going to blame it on a lack of sleep, for staying up to talk to Mindaugas, but that doesnt account for the past two days where i went to bed earily because i felt exhausted.

So it cant all be sleep. Im just a little whacky and crazy this week, no reason.

In another long side note, my friends have repeatedly banned me from cafeine and large quantities of sugar over the years, because i get bounce off the walls, laugh at nothing, run laps around the building crazy when i consume small amounts of cafeine or large amounts of sugar, or any combination of the two. Then i start crashing, and i tell everyone i love them, and i start crying over everything.

Considering that without exess sugar, or any cafeine, i have kind of been that way already this week, the decission i made this morning/afternoon to drink mountain dew (i cant handle even a regular coca cola), and then eat jello with whipped cream and nothing else, probbably seems really foolish to you. But hey, its been a rough week and i just didnt care.

So the first thing that happened after doing the dew this morning, was that i started to get really angry about how unfaire life is and how i keep ruining my life and im an idiot.

Then came the fun part, right around time to get the mail i started bouncing off the walls of my brain, and the room. Seriously, if there hadn't been a bomb scare yesterday i probably would have run laps around the building. But i didnt want to get tackled by the gards, so i did the mail instead, and the other secretaries were impressed with my speed and enthisiasm. About a half hout or so later i started to crash.

This wad marked by an increase of messaging to family and friends  telling them how much i loved them ( this was when i finally took my lunch break and ate something other than jello).

  And every time i did this, i cried buckets of real tears and spoke of the good ol days before i messed everything up and pushed everyone away. Because it was my fault people moved away, got married, went to school, because im a bad friend and i drive people away. (I was aware that I was being completely irrational.)

Finally, in artistic desperation, i took a plate, put creamy penut butter on it, and sent a picture of it to my friends and said, this is how i feel when i miss you.

Dont ask me what that means, i really dont know. I didnt know then, and i have no idea now. I then ate all the penut butter off the plate, went back to work and drank some water.

Currently, I have a horrendous headche. Im still crying, and my stomach kind of hurts and I feel horrible, though slightly more rational, and very very tired.

Please dont ever let me drink mountain dew. And if you do, take away my phone, computer, and any humans i could interact with that will think im crazy, because i feel shame after thay level of crazy.

Strangely, my co workers didnt notice. But most of this happened when they went to lunch.

If you cant stop me from doing the Dew, can you do me o favor? Film it. This could be better than that mormon kid that they filmed getting his wisdom teeth out.

Well, I really do miss my friends, so im gonna go cry some more then take a nap. Thats the story of what happens when mandi goes to Dew town. 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Sometimes I Play Games

 I just came from a presidency meeting. For about five minutes I was all fired up to go correct the rolls. Then Facebook sent me a notice, I've got a candy crush request, and five song pop requests.  Hum, Up date the roll books and all that boring stuff? or waste time playing games on facebook?

 Well, here's how I feel sometimes (this doesn't have really anything to do with the meeting, I just feel this way). I feel like no matter what I do or sacrifice, I will always be that selfish, time wasting irresponsible single person who doesn't get things done and will never have their time be as important as all the married people, or people with kids. So I'm in a mood at the moment, so I'm gonna play a game, BECAUSE I CAN AND I WANT TO,  DAMN IT!!. 

 I'll let you in on a secret though,  I talked to my counselor today about what I thought were my "commitment issues" and he seemed thoroughly convinced that I was the last person on the planet that would have commitment issues.  In fact,  opposed to some who have called me too picky, those who know me best will say I am too determined and I try too hard.  Yup, I have no problem with commitment. I have plenty of other issues though. So In that meeting, I committed to update the phone listings, etc.  So, I'm gonna play one game, and then I'm gonna update the lists. 

 Whether or not my therapist thought that the 40 days thing was a good idea is, well we'll will just say he is undecided at the moment- I can be rather convincing,  ha ha.  He was against it at first. Any way,  Its been interesting so far and that is all I will say. I have some candy crush to play. 

 this is the most random post about nothing. If you got anything out of this post you are either a genius or insane. 

Friday, August 2, 2013

Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

 I think yesterday was an interesting point in time where I came to a sudden realization that people can be really mean to each other.

Its something we all do, intentionally or unintentionally, we hurt each other, often. But, what makes things worse is that we usually react to that hurt by creating more of it.

I've been listening to some really great historical pod casts lately, and I am feeling rather informed about how stupid people are, as well as how great they can be.  And I don't want to focus too much on the negative, people are amazing, and awesome, and full of potential for love, and deep friendships, and great things. But, too often we meet people who become our best friends, until we hit a speed bump. Some human quality becomes apparent, and suddenly their weakness is all we can see. We make assumptions, usually to the worst possible scenario, and turn a mole hill into a mountain.  Mole hills are legitimate problems, living here in Washington, I now know that. Eradicating that problem takes a lot of work and can be quite difficult, but its not a mountain, it can be removed.

 And often, I think that's how some of our best friends become our worst frienmies, and if both sides cant come together- like adults, with good communication, and a desire to see the good over the bad, and with a bit of humility, Frienemies become bitter worst enemies in a deep embittered hatred that goes on for GENERATIONS.

  Here's the thing, Some people are legitimately poisonous to your life. You should probably cut them out, and not have anything to do with them. However, you have to allow them the possibility of change.
We have to start understanding that you cant know the butterflies if you wont put up with caterpillars. From time to time, we will legitimately hurt one another, and some people are best cut out of our lives. No one should make themselves a doormat heaping continual hurt upon continual hurt to save a friendship or relationship that the other person has no interest in saving, but a lot of friendships, marriages and other relationships get severed that never needed to.

  A word on gossip. I firmly believe that sometimes we just need to vent, and to bounce our thinking off a third party, and make sure we aren't being crazy. However, when the intent of that becomes to turn someone against another, or convince them we are right and someone else is wrong, then that is gossip in my opinion. Not just saying negative things, we all have bad stuff happen in life, and we need to get it out, but when your intent becomes to hurt or damage the other person, or their reputation with others in retaliation for how you feel you have been wronged, that is wrong, and eventually the other person will find out about it, so you probably should have just had the discussion with them to begin with.

  I think its time we each recognize that no one on this planet is perfect, but the majority of people i know aren't intentionally malicious toward one another, and we'd do well to try to remember that when we feel hurt by someone. Do you think your best friend really was trying to hurt you and bring pain in your life? Or is there a chance they still love and care about you, but they are here learning and making mistakes just as you do? It takes two to fight, and I will not be one of the two, but i also wont be a door mat, and neither should you. Sometimes, after all you can do, you just have to walk away for a time, but that time doesn't have to be eternal, nor should it be bitter, nor should they be your enemy.

  When i was seven, my parents cut ties with my grandma. That was a difficult decision, and i know they didn't like making it. However, it was not in our best interest to continue associating with my grandma. Seven years later, i missed my grandma a lot, and worried she would die with out knowing i still loved her. So i got out the phone book, and without my parents permission called her. I got an answering machine, so i just left a message saying i wanted her to know i loved her and missed her. Later that year, my parents got a letter from her, i got an angel pin, and slowly and cautiously contact was resumed. My grandma had changed. She wasn't perfect, by any means, but enough had changed, then slowly, year by year she changed more, and the grandma i last saw had become a living miracle and testimony to me that people can change, and love can heal and build a bridge.

  Love, not time, heals all wounds, pure love, the love of Christ. Ive seen a lot lately of gossip and how it can hurt people. Gossip, in my opinion is talking negatively about someone else with the intent to injure their reputation, to turn others against them, or to get others on your side. It is different than venting, which should be getting feelings out so that you can understand, articulate, and work through problems, mainly with the intent of finding out if your hurts are real, or imagined, and determining the best manner of working through it with the party that caused the injury. Including the best way to talk to the person, without escalating the situation.

  I don't believe most of us want to hurt each other, but we often do. Maybe we should remember that when we feel hurt, and maybe we should think, if the person were here would I want them to hear what I'm saying? I think we can do better. I think we can be more honest, more loving, and we can build stronger friendships. No, you don't really want to hurt me, and i don't want to hurt you. But sometimes we do.