Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Mandi- Fit To Be Loved

 Is a name important? or is a name just a name. I think names are extreemly important. I believe my name is more than just important, I believe it was divinely inspired as a message from God to me.

 Mandi- it means fit to be loved, or beloved.  I was named after a Barry Manalow song.  Yup. you know the one.  Nope, it wasn't about his dog, just so ya know.

 Any way, I may have been named because of that song, God works by natural means to bring about his works. I will tell you right now, that I am quite certain, that God wanted me named Mandi so that every time I heard my name I would remember both that I am beloved, and that I am fit to be loved,  because, well im prone to forget that, or to disbeilieve it.

 I often push people away, and I have done so thinking, no you will be better off if you dont get to know me.  Eventually I will truly learn to love myself, right now its kind of hit or miss. When I do love myself, I let people and God in, and when I let people and God in, I love myself.  Im learning that slowly.  I think we all struggle with that some times, on some level.

 Even my worst enemies have to call me beloved, and often, that worst enemy is me. I went to the Addiction Recovery meeting tonight. That is always a place to know you are fit to be loved.  All day, all week, i've had people telling me how much they love me and how awesome or amazing I am.  As of late my response has been - Why?   I think thats because in the past year I have come to be truly honest with myself,  and the greatest thing I have discovered is that I dont always love me as much as I ought to , and when I dont love me, I dont let anyone else love me either.

 In order to be ' fit  to be loved'   I must live up to my name,  and the only way I can live up  to my name is to call myself beloved. That is what I have realized this week.

 On another note, the name David also means beloved. When I found this out, years ago, I got really excited about a few things. David and Jonathan have one of the most awesome friendship stories recorded anywhere in my opinion. Friendships are one of the most important things to me in life, so I have deeply apprecieated that.  Also, in the bible dictionary it talks about what made David great was that when he did something stupid, he was really good at humbling himself and having true sincere repentance. That is something I've tried to model in my life.  The one thing that got david into trouble- that whole Bathshiba/ uriah thing. I've taken that as a warning from my friend whos name has the same meaning. Yes, I consider David from the bible to be my friend. I've gotten to know him over the years. I remember a lesson in institute on that thing, and something my teacher said about how if David had been at the head of the battle  with his troops where he was supposed to be, then all that nonsens could have been avoided. He had a million chances to jump off that train, and just made small bad choice after small bad choice.

 I hope not  to ever derail like that. Did David forget the meaning of his name?  I dont know. I can't answer that.  But, I remember that lesson, because our names mean the same thing, and so if I see myself starting to go off track, I just try to keep going to the right places. So far that has worked.

 I am greatful that my parents named me Mandi.  That name has meaning to me, and its a reminder to me of who I am, and who I am meant to be. I am beloved, and I am meant to be fit to be loved, and if ever I start acting contrary to those two things,  a swift and often painful reminder reminds me, I need to change that, because Mandi is who I am, and I can never be happy if I am not being Mandi, and I will never feel loved  or allow others to love me if I forget who I am.

 Evita moment- I am Mandi - so .... you must love me.... 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

The Most Important Question

 Its the end of September. One of my dear friends came over to see me tonight, and we watched Leap Year. One of those lovely chick flicks taking place in Ireland. Too predictable for me to pay any attention to anything except cultural accuracy until the end. With a recent trip to Ireland under my belt, seeing my beloved cliffs made me extreemly excited about the movie. At the end of it, I asked the question, Why didn't I meet an amazing Irishman on my trip?  And then I remembered, I actually kind of had one of those moments in Ireland, but with an American. It was just dinner and a shared conversation, We aren't dating or getting married. I'm fine with that, but that really happened, that magic moment really happened on my trip.

 That however wasn't the most important question. Following that, some how my friend and I moved on to a discussion on TV series that we have recently picked up to watching. Grimm, and the new Sleepy Hollow series.  Which, led to us watching an illustrated reading of the book by Glen Close, which was highly educational, and then of course we had to go back to the original Disney animation we used to watch yearly.  By the way,  we kind of noticed that  a lot of similarities were there with other disney cartoons, especially beauty and the beast. I wont ruin it for you, but go watch it, see if you cant see cinderella, or gaston, or clocksworth, or the insane asylum guy, or if Ichobod doesn't remind you of the opening scenes with Bell in the villiage as he comes new into town.

 All of this of course has nothing to do with the most important question, but its what lead to the most important question. Because, you see, the end of September is upon us, and that means October is around the bend. This important question has been building in my head for weeks now, begging an answer, and I've hidden from it as if it were frankinstines monster, which it may well be.

 What shall I be for Halloween this year?

Its an important question. What you choose to be for Halloween says much about you. You  can pick something at random like you just dont care, but I'm not like that. What I choose to be for Halloween is deeply symbolic of what I wish I could be in life and fall short of, or what scares me that I wish to confront and no longer fear. Its never just a random choice. Last year I was my own super hero character that a friend had created for me. I've been river song. I've been a vampire, a pirate, I was once Tanya Harding.  both what I wanted to be - as great skater, and what scares me- someone who trades all the greatness because they  dont believe they are enough on their own.

 Last year around this time I set out on a journey to try to become a super me, the best version of me possible. My costume symbolized that. I feel like I've changed a lot, but I never became that super hero, at the end of the day, it was just a costume, it was just a few changes that changed nothing.

 So as I decided what to be this year, I feel kind of stuck. What is left for me to want to be? I dont know.  I grasp at straws. I can be River again, or maybe I could be a Grimm ,and my friend could be a reaper. that would be funny, and no one will get it but us.  I could be something new i've learned to love this year- a tribble, I could be a beloved favorite from star gate, or doctor who- again no one will get it but me and a few friends.  But I dont wear costumes for others, I wear them for me.  I could be a Pict. I love history, I could celebrate my ancestors.

My mom once made me be a clown. I hate clowns. I've never forgotten that, I wont be a clown,they still scare me. its not a fear I wish to face.  

So when I ask what shall I be for Halloween, what I am really asking myself is Who do I want to be? what do I want to become? what do I want to face and overcome?

 And I have no idea. none.  Perhaps the question still lingers in my head, Who am I?  When I can answer that, I dont suppose I will want to be anyone else any way.  Who do I want to become? Me, only better.  thats no costume.  What do I want to face and overcome?  well, me. I want to face me. everything that scares me about me, and I want to fear it no more.

 Maybe thats why I dont know what to do this year, because every question I ask to get to what costume I want leads back to me, and that isn't a costume at all.  Costume suggestions are now welcome. I give up. I have no idea what to be for Halloween. 

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Greatest Dream Ever

 I think I just had the greatest dream ever. And then I woke up. I hate when that happens, especially when it happens at five thirty on a Saturday morning and you know you are not going to be able  to go back to sleep.

 How could I go back to sleep now? I just had the greatest dream ever, and then woke up to find its not real and its 5 am on a Saturday. I think I knew all along it wasn't real,but I also wished all along that it was.  So what is the greatest dream ever? Peace. it was peace. Peace and reconsiliation and understanding and empathy. It was my little world starting out in disharmony, going to some kind of farm, it was a really pretty farm,and then having a very frank and sometimes angry discussion, listening and hearing what was being said, and then being listened to and understood  and loved in return, and then there was peace and reconsiliation because there was empathy and understanding.

 Why is this the greatest dream of all time?  well, because I can't handle disharmony, contention, misunderstanding, and the like, and I wish those things didn't have to exist. I just loved the feeling in that dream. I wish it were always present. Plus, there was a really nice horse in my dream. I dont know why that matters, but I really liked that horse. And it was sunny. who doesn't like some sunshine?

Monday, September 16, 2013

A kids book about life

A kids book about life...
Sometimes life is beautiful.

Everyone loves you. (caption: I am awesome!)
Everything goes right. You feel like super man. (caption: doctor :this time, Everyone lives!)
Other times, its not so fun.(cyberman: you will be deleted)

People die.
People move
Maybe you move. (caption:bye bye friend!)
Or maybe people just get mad at you. (caption:talk to the hand, dork)

Maybe they just forgot you, and you feel alone. (caption:why am I all alone?)
Sometimes life is hard, it doesn't seem fair. (caption: I don't understand, I did everything right!)
Or too fair (caption angry crowd: you jerk!, caption person: Im sorry! Don't hate me!)

We are all human, we make mistakes, we get hurt, we hurt people. (caption jedi: Victory for the Jedi!!, caption darth m: My arm!)
But there is someone who loves you when you are stupid, when life is hard, when life is good. They always love you.
Heavenly Father and Jesus love you.


But, they want you to become like them. Sometimes they let you have hard times so you can learn, or change and be better.
So you can be like a strong sword, you have to endure beating, and grinding and hot hot fires to be a strong sword.
You have to learn what its like to be sad, to help other sad people (captions: I love you,  Im sad)

And serve others in need. (caption: I'll help!)
And humble yourself and repent. (Jedi caption: Im sorry I cut off your hand. Can I help fix it?)
But remember, you are never alone. God loves you, he has your back.
He just asks you to trust him and keep the comandments. (Person caption: ahhhhhh!,  God caption: I got this)

And when you get through the storm, there will be sun again!! (caption: yay! Sunshine!)
Because we are all here to learn. So sometimes that's hard, but sometimes its fun and everyone loves you. (caption: yay!)
But most important, remember we are children of God and he loves us, everyone!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Moving Mountains, and Thunder Shirts

Yesterday I spent my morning helping an old lady that is a friend of mine. Its been way too long since I've been over to visit. I absolutely love working in her yard with her. She gives me plant starts, so my garden now has more than just food plants, and its getting pretty. She also feeds me sometimes.  But mainly I just love how her sweet spirit brightens my days.

 At the end of the day, the last thing I helped her with was moving a small hill of sticks, bits of wood and other dead plant remains. Honestly I looked at in and thought there was no way I would be able to do that in a day. It would probably take a couple weeks or a miracle. She thought the same.

 We have been told that with faith we can move mountains. As I started to move that pile, arm load to wheel berrel load, one at a time up a big hill, I thought, Im moving a mountain here. Amazingly, some how,  by the end of 1.5 hrs I had moved the whole thing. I dont think I have ever put a more determined effort into physical labor, but with every shovel full, and every wheel barrel load up that hill, I thought, this is like my life, and if I can move this, then I can have faith and hope, if I can move this small mountain, God can move the mountains in my life, even if its one shovel full, and one wheel barrel full at a time.

 It was not easy. I had blackberry thorns poke through my gloves, I had cuts, I bled. It hurt. I pushed that wheel barrel and sometimes it got stuck, and sometimes I didn't think I could make it to the top to dump it, and I thought I would loose the whole load. Sometimes, it took all my strength.  By the end I was exhausted. My back hurt, and I was sweating so badly, even though it wasn't a hot day, that my cell phone got wet in my pants pockets.  I did it though, I did the impossible. I moved that small "mountain" and I did it in far less time than it should have taken.

 Sometimes in life, there is a huge pile of junk, and it needs moving, and it seems impossible. Remember, with God, nothing is impossible. God can move mountains. He can help you to move mountains. Sometimes, probably most times, Its going to happen one shovel full at a time, one barrel full at a time. By small means, great things are brought to pass. Sometimes you will get cut, you will get hurt,you will get stuck, you will feel like you are sliding backwards down the hill, or maybe you will loose the whole load.

 Don't quit. Keep going. God will help you move a mountain, even if its one little painful bit at a time, and it will be worth it when you are done, and you look back at that clean patch of dirt, ready to be put to good use.

  Today there is a lot of thunder outside. My poor dog is terrified. I have something to help him weather the storm, its called a thundershirt. its a shirt with velcro for dogs, so they can feel all snuggled and safe. It doesn't completely remove his fear, but as long as he is by my side, and has his shirt on, he calms down, quits shaking, and can make it through the scary parts of a storm. God knows how to comfort us, to weather storms, he wraps us in his love and his word. With that, we can feel peace and comfort no matter how horrible of storm clouds gather around us. 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Finding A Balance, Making A Priority

 Huge amounts of stress, all sorts of emotional craziness, and two months of not really sleeping much at all, have finally prompted me to do what I knew I needed to do, but didn't want to do all along.

 People, I am tired of feeling tired, emotional and crazy. I appreciate the many people who have given me advice on how to fix this. Know that I do not discount your wisdom, however, I know why I dont sleep, and I have a pretty good idea of how to fix it. Doing what I need to do to fix it, is much harder.

 What do I need to do to sleep better?  well.  I need to clean my house, so I dont feel like Im falling appart- mostly check. I spent five hours cleaning my bedroom and bathroom last saturday, the rest of the house was livable.  I feel so much better about life just having a clean place to sleep and live. By clean- I mean my clothes are not only hung up, but are hung in the proper order according to what they are.

What else do I need to do? Well, Computer must be off by ten, and the tv, and the phone. I can write in my journal or read if I can't sleep. If you see a blog post, or a fb post from me after 10 pm, I owe you push ups.  Occasionally, I think I can make an exception to this on Friday nights only. Saturday when my church moves to eleven in  January,  But before that, if its not friday, I owe you 25 push ups if its after ten and I am online.

 This has made a big difference so far. I am now averaging 6 hrs of sleep a night, which feels like a lot to me, as its way up from 4, or 5 , or 3.5 or 0.  So I feel a lot better about life, and I am sure we will eventually get that number up to seven or eight.

Then there is exercise- Every day at least a walk.  so far, I have counted yard work as my exercise, and I broke a sweat doing all that weed whacking, so I think that is ok.  Today I did real exercise and my muscles cramped up. but I feel I will sleep well. =)

Finally, I need to eat. and eat healthy, and not eat junk. Ice cream and chocolate cake all day?  no. Not exceptable.  I am working on it. I dont know that Im quite at healthy food yet, but I am eating less chocolate and more veggies.

 The biggest impact was curfew on computer. Its been tough, because I got home from FHE at 9:30 last night, and I had a half hour to take care of business stuff and thats it, no fun. no candy crush. I have found, like tonight getting home at 9, I have a choice. Candy Crush, a Blog post, or an episode of Doctor Who. I have to choose and prioritize because the priority is sleep and being emotionally stable (from getting enough sleep =)) so I wrote a blog so that you don't  think I've forgotten you, but my life is super busy, and its about to get busyier, and I choose you over candy crush.
 Bottom line, I have come to realize, its not ok to sacrifice sleep because I am feeling sad and dont want to go to sleep. or I'm feeling stressed and dont want to go to sleep .Sleep is now a priority, and I hope that makes me a better friend and all around person.

Basically, what I am saying is, that I love you more than candy crush. You may here less of me, but hopefully what you do hear will be more sane.

  I love you all,   Mandi

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Why I Love The Doctor (Especially 10)

 I've never liked things that I didn't feel I could relate to or draw parallels to in my own life. I don't know why, they just don't interest me. Maybe that's normal, maybe its not, but its how I am. I hate Battle Star Galactica, and I was never a big fan of Star Trek for those reasons.  Star Trek is growing on me thanks to some friends and the new movies, I understand it better, but I don't know that I've really connected with it yet, and I don't know that I'm going to.

  But I absolutely love me a  906 year old Time Lord.  Why?  Well, despite the fact I am much younger than that, I don't travel in a blue box, and I don't have two hearts, I relate quite a lot to the doctor.

 The doctors home was destroyed in the time war. He can't really go home and visit his family. You can see how bad he misses it and them, and yet, he was the one who destroyed it.  And yet... from time to time he finds he is not alone, he is not the last Time Lord in existence, because they come back. In the end of time all of Galifrey comes back, and then he is all alone again. But, He kind of adopts the Earth as his home, sometimes he laughs a bit at the humans, some times he loves them, sometimes he is frustrated with them, but its all "humany-woomany" in the end  and its his home away from home and he defends it lovingly and loyally.

  My family were not destroyed by a time war, but they are quite a distance away, and its really rather rare that I see them or they come see me. I've adopted Washington, the Kitsap Peninsula in particular, as my home away from home. Most the time I think I just blend in pretty well,  and I love it, and defend it and my  friends loyally. But then I go to a football game, and I see how small the school is, and how different things are, and I know it isn't mine, but I watch amused and enjoy it all.  Sometimes I'm glad to be away from my culture- Utah culture, because there is so much that goes wrong in Utah culture-like any culture. But other times I lovingly refer to it as a place that's so very very great. Just like the Doctor does with Galifrey.

 The Doctor has been referred to as the loneliest boy in the Universe, yet he's got quite a large family of friends, loyal defenders, companions, and so forth. He's had a lot of companions travel with him. He's lost some to death, some to Fates worse than death, and some just moved on. At the end of the day its just him and his Tardis.  Its hard to get that close to people, to have them pop in and out of your life with nothing stable, no one that is always there, and yet without them, he's much worse. Companions are what make the Doctor great.  Having someone to love and care about, even if they pop in and out of your life more frequently than you want, makes you a better person.

  I've had  somewhere around 56 roommates and mission companions. I've had countless friends and adopted families to take care of me in my journeys through time and space.  At the end of the day, Its just me, and my dog- well, he can't live forever either. And its great, because I care a great deal about all of my "companions"  but then there are always weeping angels, parallel universes, marriages, moves, and the like and at some point or other they go away. At some point, there is usually something that will bring us back together briefly, and its magic again for a small moment, and then when the Daleks are defeated and the Earth is restored to its proper place, everyone goes back as they were and its me and my Tardis again.
Some leave angry, some leave because that's just how the battle goes, and some leave because they have to get back to their real family,  but in the end, Doctor, I wish I could go join you in your travels because I feel your pain.

 The Doctor is clever, yet he's just a mad man with a box.  At any point he would do anything to defend the ones he loves, but often he puts them in the most danger. He is very clever, and yet he often has no real clue what he is doing, he just presses buttons, and scraps and finds whatever solution he can.  I feel like I'm pretty clever, I'm pretty smart, I have a lot of talents, but I have no idea what I'm doing half the time, and I think its my resourcefulness that  wins the day for me in the end.  You want some one to make an extraordinary hat using nothing but staples and scrapbook paper, I'm your girl. You need a time machine out of scraps of a cardboard box,  no problem.

 you want me to commit to something next Tuesday? OK I think its free now, but I may get side tracked by my travels in time and space and not make it on time.  I make promises I intend to keep, but sometimes your going to have to be  "the girl who waited" and I'll be a bit later at coming through than hoped, but like the Doctor, I will come through.

 Well, I'm not the Doctor. Its not a perfect comparison. But if anyone has ever wondered why I so love that show, well, a lot of people love it.  I don't know why they do, but I know why I do. Because I think the Doctor understands me, he knows what its like to be all alone, and the only one of your kind and at the same time have the biggest and most wonderful ever growing family of loving and loyal friends who you hope will travel with you forever, but in the end you know some kind of monster will get them, and you'll be all alone again. And that's why I love River Song, because she's just as lonely, and she's suffered just as much, and she gets the doctor, but their time is backwards and its the greatest tragedy ever.  I love how much the Doctor cares, I love his loyalty, and I love his anger, I relate to that. He has compassion, and he cares so much it hurts, and he goes through life trying to have a great adventure and help those he loves, and forget that hurt.
And I love that he gives people the chance to change, to make the right decision, to start over sometimes, but if they wont, he will fight them to the end to defend those he loves.    I think the Doctor and I have a similar preach to life.

 And Ten, finally Ten, Why do I love Ten? well because he's skinny with sticky up hair, and a suit and tennis shoes, I think he's hot, but its not just that,  he's funny, and he's ancient, and he's young all at once. He loves so much you can see his heart breaking, and he's so tired of being alone he even is happy to see the Master, and makes a friend of an enemy in the end, even though he fights him most the way. And it payed off didn't it, but then it didn't because he was all alone again.

Ah, wait, I forgot something. Regeneration. I've never regenerated, but I've gone through changes in life. It does feel like a completely different girl has just walked off with my life sometimes. This year especially. I still remember everything, but I'm a completely different person, and yet, I'm the same. I'm kind of glad my face doesn't change that much though.

 And this is a not so short explanation of why I am a Whovian.

Friday, September 6, 2013

A Guarenteed Way To Have A Melt Down

Yesterday I ate chocolate cake for breakfast, super nachos for lunch, and a chocolate ice cream sundae for dessert. I managed to get a slow twenty minute walk of mopey time to the water front, and no other exercise. I stayed up till midnight watching Grimm, guarenteeing that Id not sleep well and have strange disturbing nightmares. All this knowing Id need to be up at a quarter to five to go to work in the morning. There is no better way to guarantee that today Id be emotionally all over the place, exhausted and in melt down mode. If you add to that listening to hours of general conference talks from 1983, which for some reason were ALL on getting along well with and forgiving others, its no wonder my boss had to ask me at lunch if i was feeling well. Apparently i turned a shade of pale grey. Why do I do stuff like that to myself? I dont know, it sounds pretty cray cray to me. This is what happens when people spend too much time alone, Im pretty sure. So I am determined, im going to follow President Uchtdorfs advice and Stop It!!! ....Tomorrow.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Rainy Day's and Sundaes

 If I had to choose just one song to say how I feel today, this would be it!

Normally, I love the rain.  Its pretty, and peaceful. But today it got me down. I think it got a lot of people down. Why? because when it rains, what you really want to do is go home, crawl back in bed, maybe have  a roaring fire going, cuddle up with a dog, or maybe another person if you can find one, grab a cup of hot chocolate, or maybe some apple cider,  some dounuts and read a book, or watch a movie- like singing in the rain.

 When I was a kid, I liked to go get my bike, throw on a hoodie and some jeans, and go ride my bike through every mud puddle I could find and get soaking wet. Or strap on my roller blades, same jeans, or if it were the early 90's some spandex pants,  and head out into the rain to pretend I was Bonnie Blair speed skating towards a gold medal at the olympics. Then I'd come in, sit on the fire place (with a lit fire inside, I know, my butt probably is lacking in living nerve endings or something, because I sat on the  fire place all the time and never got burned or even felt too hot.)  and then id curl up in a blanket and watch a movie or read a book.

In college, I usually went for the book route,  unless my roommates were watching a movie, then I'd join them. I think that is where I developed the ideal rainy day plan in my head. Now I am an adult. So guess what, when it rains, I get up at a ridiculously early time and go to work, like every day, and look out my window at the rain, longing to pick up a book, and cuddle with my dog in a nice warm blanket.

 One of the managers (not mine) and I had this conversation at work today. We both wanted to be doing the same thing. Home. Bed. Book. Warm beverage.

 So I was pretty cranky about the fact I had to be at work.  Its ok though, Im home in bed now cuddling with my dog. The rain seems to have stopped. One of my good friends took me out for an ice cream sundae. It was a chocolate mouse sundae at Mora's.  Her cute little girl giggled at my crazy hair. Apart from the fact that I have ate nothing but junk all day, I think that was an excellent way to end the day, and I now feel much better about life.  Sometimes there is a two year old in my head, and she whines about not getting her way, and thinks its the end of the world. Ice cream sundaes do a good job of shutting her up.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

 As my regular readers may remember, I have been watching General Conference addresses lately starting with the year I was born. April 1982 was my first conference. Im now all the way to October 1982.  Its been really interesting. Today I listened to a talk from Elder George P. Lee who was then a Seventy, but  who was later excommunicated, and became a registered sex offender.  It was interesting because the talk that followed was then Elder Gordon B. Hinkely, who became President Hinkley, and  who in his 1982 talk warned against such offences against children, and warned against pornography among other things.  Knowing that history colored how I listened to then Elder Lee's talk, which was about the Savior, and  it made President Hinkelys talk sound all the more profound to me.

 Another talk that I heard  From Elder Marvin J Ashton affected me much more personally. His talk "Pure Religion"  Said a great many things, that basically came down to having Christ like love for others, doing service and avoiding everything that doesn't fit in pure religion."Loving those around us includes being sensitive to  feelings of others...  To be unspotted from the world, one must avoid all of Satan’s evil plans for the inhabitants of the world. Retaliation, fault-finding, deceit, pettiness, hypocrisy, judging, and destroying one another do not belong in the definition of pure religion." 

Recently I was insensitive to some of my friends,  One in particular, but It kind of spread to effect multiple people, and at this point, I dont even know how many. I have lost contact with a few people because of this, and as I listened to this talk, and many others on reconciliation, and forgiveness and repentance, etc, I felt a growing desire to apologize especially to that friend. I thought and I thought, and I could find no good way of doing that as we have lost contact.  My offence was made in a some what public way,  and I could think of nothing else, so I decided to apologize here, not just to the one, or the two others I know know about it, but to anyone else that may have been negatively impacted by my carelessness.

 Though I am sad to be out of the loop and not currently have some very important people to me in my life at the moment, I am much much more sad that anything I did hurt someone I cared so much about. Its actually bothered me since the moment I discovered my error quite a great deal, but I allowed some of my own hurts to get in the way of how I let my dear friend know that.

 I dont know if those that need to hear this will ever read this. I hope that they do, but its very possible they may not. But this is the only way I could think of currently to say what I needed to say, and Elton John was correct,  sorry does seem to be the hardest word.

 To those who I offended, to those whose trust I betrayed in any way, to those I hurt in any way directly or indirectly, know that I am very very sorry that I caused you any pain and hurt in life. Know that I love you and care about you deeply, and though I can't change what happened, I hope to learn from it, and never repeat it. I hope to become the most trust worthy person I possibly can. I do my best, sometimes I just dont think things through all the way,  and sometimes I am just not mindful of others.

 I know that I can't do anything more to fix this than what I have done, Though I wish I could do more. So at this point, I send you my love, my prayers, and leave it all in the capable hands of the Savior for fixing. He's the only one who can fix it, because he's the only one who knows both our pains exactly, and the only one with the power to heal those kinds of hurts.

 To anyone else in the past who I may have hurt, I say the same. Im sorry, I love you. Im trying to do better.
I shall leave with one last quote from the talk:  " Empathy is sincere love for self and our fellowmen. Henry David Thoreau said, “Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” If this were possible, I’m sure we could visit and help the widowed and fatherless and all who need our help with the pure love of Christ and thus be responsive to the needs of those around us." 

I am greatful for the lessons I am learning this year. I've learned so much, and usually the hard way, but I hope I have learned well. 

Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Miracle of The Dead Battery

 So, In my previous post, I was left stranded at the camp site with a a car that wouldn't start, and I'll be honest- fasting headache. I had turned down a ride to the lodge for food, because I thought, well, I thought I really should fast a little longer. I waited an hour, and got another call from AAA saying the tow truck was delayed an hour. That was my last straw.

  I started out on a dusty road for a twenty minute walk to the lodge after fasting all day. I had no strength left, I was mentally, physically and emotionally done. I walked five minutes, and then I said a little prayer for a ride, because there was no way I was going to make it before the tow truck got there, and dinner was over.

 A nice woman drove by, and stopped and offered me a ride. I must have looked pretty down cast, because most people are walking for the fun of it at Ensign ranch.I was so greatful for the ride, It reminded me of what one of the visiting seventies had taught us earlier, that God is aware of us and our needs.

 I got to the ranch, and got some food. There wasn't much left, and the cups they had for water were super tiny.  I said a prayer and ended my fast.  As I looked around to go eat, I didn't see anyone I knew. They had all gone home. I wondered how I would get back down to my car in time for the tow truck, and then someone I knew appeared, and I told him the situation. He said he'd get food and be back to take me down.
 I sad down, and ate half of what was on my plate, and then the tow truck driver called. He was there an hour early - or actually right on the original time.  I had no ride to go back down, and I was a bit panicked.  I prayed in my heart and looked around and instantly spoted another friend who drove me to my car, with the tow truck guy following us.
 The tow truck guy had no problem jumping my car. Guess we just didn't have enough battery power going in before, He had a super jumper,so it was awesome. He was glad  I had been up at the gate, because he said he never would have found  the camp site.  
Finally I was free to go home.  As I did I had about an hour conversation with my Heavenly Father. There had been many miracles this weekend, and I know he had my back. Most of that conversation is private, of course, but I wanted to share a few things.

I feel like I've had some massive tenderizing of my heart this year. I feel likeI've been through a very unpleasnt process that I think eventually will make me more awesome.  But its been painful, and I am currently supper to possibly over  sensitive about everything. I talked with my Heavenly Father a bit about that, and some situations in my life that I currently view as impossible, just as Elder Christensen  had the bike.  But  I know even if this is a unicycle, that God has my back, and yeah, im still sensitive, and probably going to cry a lot, but I know God knows me, and is aware of my needs, and what is going to happen, far in advance of what I do. I think he knew my dream camping trip was never going to happen, and Ithink he knew just exactly how to turn  it into a positive experience with what I needed. I got everything I needed, and almost nothing that I had wanted.

 I know that with God nothing is impossible, and with his help I will learn to find balance and confidence so I can handle the seemingly impossible challenges of life, and together, I will learn to ride this bike like a pro.
Speaking of riding bikes, I did a lot of that this weekend, and I am now really sore. but I had so much fun, and I am so greatful for all the new friends I met, and the old friends I met up with, and  for a good friend or two  who took care of me from a far. I have been blessed with some pretty great friends.  

Dead battery

My friends and i just tried to jump my car. It didnt work. Ive sent them on their way, and im going to sit here and wait an hour for my aid from AAA to show up.

I guess God wanted me to have a little more time to sit here and reflect at Ensign ranch. Either that, or Im an idiot and let my phone charge too long because i fell asleep.

It was great all the talks today, abour how God is aware of us and our needs. They also talked alot about reconciliation if you arent getting along with someone. Thats pretty much it.

I feel like my life is a big mess right now, the harder i try to straighten it out, the bigger mess it gets. Im supper emotional, and this weekend has been good, but it didnt make me feel any more together than before.

I find myself in that horrible place where I am begging for love acceptace and help, and at the same time pushing people away hard. The more I want help the louder I screem "stay the H away from me" inside. Its interesting because we had a talk on that today, from one of the seventies.

Apparently, all anyone can do to help me right now is love me, and at times Im going to be difficult to love. But thats where I am. Stuck waiting, with a dead battery.

The bicycle of possibility

Elder christiansen just shared a story that was exactly what i needed to hear, about him learning to ride  a bike. On his own it was impossible, and it hurt a lot. Then his father came, and helped him, and held him up until he found his balance and confidence. With our heavenly fathers help, nothing is impossible. No matter how mpossible to us things may seem.

Sometimes, When God Locks a Door, He Sends Hachtel to Rescue You With A Teepee

Last night was lonely. I was in my perfect camp set up, my tent set up was amazing, comfortable, and reasonably warm. But all that couldnt compensate for how not fun camping alone is to me.
And then the rowdy old men moved in next door, and I really hated it.

This morning I woke up early, got ready, jumped on my bike in my rafting clothes and rode through the fog to the registration.  It was a long wait till we got on the road, to the river, or in a raft, but I met some cool people while I froze my butt off waiting.

It was at this point reality snapped me out of my non reality land, and I finally accepted the camping trip if been given, not the one id dreamed of.  I cant say much about the river right now. It was calm, I have funny tan lines, and it was worth every penny to go.

I felt like I really bonded with some people I may never meet again, and maybe its better that way. We had fun, and that was great. 

I came back to camp, went to choir and took a shower, then i went to dinner and met up with my old friend from the Ysa days, Tracy Hachtel. Awesome woman. I invited her and her sister and co back to my place for smores. They invited me to come stay the night in their teepee, and not be alone.

I said no, hopped on my bike and rode back to my camp. Half way there I realized I was an idiot. What was I holding on to? A lonely camp site? Why? Im sick of being alone. I informed them of my change of heart and an army promptly moved me to a teepee. Then we went to a dance where I danced with the only two guys I would have even wanted to dance with. I had a blast. It turns out, Mand was not meant to be alone.