Monday, February 23, 2015

A Piece of Me

     I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days about how I hardly ever blog any more, and I don't really have a big desire to.  I think I have shared a great deal with everyone in this blog, and I don't regret anything I have shared. In fact, I have shared a lot with the world at large via the Internet.

   I have always been a very mood based writer, artist, whatever.  I do stuff when the mood strikes me and it goes really well. If I do stuff when the mood doesn't strike me, its usually totally crap. Probably because everything I do has to be generated from a genuine and authentic place or it appears just as it is, superficial and half hearted.

 When I do something with all my heart, its amazing and right, and it shows. So I'm not saying I'm not going to blog any more. But for a while, I'm probably not going to say much, because I don't have much to say to this audience.  I guess right now, the things I have to say, and do are targeted to more specific audiences, and a general audience such as this just isn't going to be a place where I feel I can share my whole heart. It will come off half arsed and half hearted if I try.

  Ive noticed something, when I perform one of my songs, or I write something really dear to me, its like I give this little piece of me to the world.  Anyone can grab at it, I loose control of it.  I'm mostly OK with this, because usually it helps people. I love to help people, and I don't regret putting myself out there to help people. But something else happens too, and I think we do this with actors and rock stars and what not.

 When someone puts a piece of themselves out there, even if its in the form of a fictional character on TV,  and we relate to it, or in some way it enriches our lives, then a bond is formed.  They probably bonded with their work, and you bond with their work, But you don't usually really bond with each other, just that work. And you appreciate the work, the talent, the rawness, and the effort, and I think we all want to form a real bond based on that. But then the reality of it is, that the bond of the work just as much gets in the way of a real bond, as anything else does.

  I have people come up to me all the time and how much they love my blog and the things I write, or how entertaining my facebook posts are. I really appreciate that, but also sometimes its really scary. Because here I am pouring my heart and soul into something, and in the first moment you are like is anyone even reading it? do they appreciate it? was it worth putting it out there? and you look for some kind of validation, that your risk was worth it.  Then you start to get one or two likes. Sometimes those likes come from people that really matter to you, and you are happy, because in reality, you kind of just wanted to only share it with them to begin with.  But then more people like and comment on your work, and shiz gets real, and you are like Whoa!! people are actually reading this, and thinking things about this, and its not just those 5 people I know love me no matter what its everyone.

I've had people tell me that I am funny, clever, brave, honest, that I changed their lives or helped them out.  I've not had too much in the way of negative, and I am grateful for that. I am happy to enrich your lives in some way.  But its still kind of scary for me whenever I hear these things, because usually it doesn't come with much more than that.  If it does, then usually its some suggestion of how I should live my life and do this or that, or some way that someone has misapplied my story to their cause. That happens because that is how we bond with people we take their experiences through our cultural lens and bend and apply it to our world view.

  The times when all this becomes truly worth it to me though, all this writing, singing, painting and sharing pieces of myself, are when  you and I use that work, to remove the walls between us, and actually bond in some meaningful way. When my story, or your story, opens up the conversation between two real humans, when perceptions are clarified, when both sides give a piece of themselves and then a true friendship is created because of  that work.

 When you appreciate my words, or my music, or my paintings, or my thoughts, quietly to yourself, or with a small thank you I appreciate that, even when it kind of scares me. But when you open up as I opened up and share back, a friendship is formed,or deepened, and that is the greatest reward available to a person for putting that piece of themselves out there.

 I promise you, I will keep writing, when I feel like writing. I will keep singing when I feel like singing, and I will keep painting when I feel like painting, and I will dance my face off when its time for me to dance, or skate. I promise you, when I do stuff, I will do it with all my heart.  And though I may practice to keep up on skills, I also promise, not to do these things half heartily, because you deserve more than that, and so do I.

 All I ask of you in return, is that you not be afraid to open yourselves up either when that moment hits you, and you can whole heartily share some piece of yourself with the world, or with a group  of people, or with one person.   Don't let fear and vulnerability stop you, don't let other peoples opinions stop you, from sharing that piece of yourself  that will change the whole world for someone else.  And, if someone has changed the whole world for you, don't be afraid to tell them so, not in a quiet whisper, or a single ambiguous word, but in some hole hearted way reciprocating that same energy they put out their that benefited you.  We can make this world so much more amazing than it is, when we become unafraid to share that amazingness within ourselves that we all hide to some degree or other.

 What the world needs now, is love, sweet love. it truly is the only thing that their is just to little of, and you cannot have love without vulnerability, without risking something, and putting your whole heart and soul behind it.