Sunday, August 2, 2015

Defying Gravity And Cutting My Stupid Hair

 This has been the most amazing summer, and it all began when a friend of mine encouraged me to live life, do a few things on my bucket list, and quit putting everything off.

  So I went to the Ballet and saw Swan Lake, I ate bacon jam on a Hamburger, I ran a mile, then I started training to run 3. 5k color run will be next weekend. I may not have the fastest time, but I am going to do it.  I started training for a half triathlon, and I got two friends and my mom, and possibly my brother to join me. I saw Schweinsteiger's opening game playing for Manchester United, I cut my hair short, really short, like I always wanted to,  I saw team USA at the Women's World Cup, and I ate Algerian food, and I saw Megan Rapinoe and the Seattle Reign get 3 goals past Angerer for a win, in the rain, and I lost my stupid voice for almost a week.   And today I saw Wicked, after waiting nearly a decade to make that happen. And it made me cry, it was that amazing.

This summer has not so much been about the things I have done or the amazing things I have seen. I have seen amazing things throughout my life, and I know that will continue to happen. It wasn't about the events,  really it was about my hair.

 I have spent my whole life before this year so worried about everyone and everything else, so worried and trapped that I just failed to live my life. I put it off for another day. I was always so afraid of that big hurdle down the road, that I knew was inevitably coming, the one I didn't want to face, So I just made excuses of why I couldn't do this or that.   I'm not saying we should all just spend all our time just doing exactly what we want, or saying yes to everything. But I think the reason behind the I can't or I can, or I will is more important than the answer itself.

 I can't, I'm too old. I can't my dad wouldn't like it. I can't I don't know who I would go with, I can't....

the amount of growth I have felt this summer, the things I have learned about myself, who I am, what I believe, what and who I value,  the freedom to breathe and just be myself, hiding from no one, living life boldly, it has empowered me with joy, and happiness, it has empowered me to inspire and empower others.  Age is just a number.  If you want to, you can run a marathon at 90. We put so many limits on ourselves all the time. A lot of times, we put those limits "for other people", and then we resent them for the limitations we actually put on ourselves.  I don't want to resent anyone, I don't want to regret anything.  so I decided to quit saying I can't.  I decided to ask myself what I wanted to do, if it was within budget and reason, I did it, and I brought a friend a long,  Watching Abbey Wambach score a goal at a World Cup is a fine memory, but sharing that moment with a friend and co worker,  watching the effect it had on both of us, to go for life, to live and work and dream.

 Sitting next to my friend today, tears streaming down my face as Defying Gravity defied the void and filled every space of a massive theatre. Sharing those moments.  Letting my friend cut my hair, chatting for 6 hrs while she hacked and dyed my hair into a new masterful creation. my scalp freed from the burden that was my mass of hair, and my soul freed by the conversation and joy of good friendship, and finally cutting my hair for me, how I needed it to be cut.

 Yesterday me and a friend changed my oil. and changing oil is kind of boring dirty work, but that was our moment, and I rather enjoyed it more than any oil change I've ever done before.

This summer, I have tried Defying Gravity, and its has changed my life for the better. because well, I watched this movie tonight, on amazon, Jenny's Wedding. I loved it. but there was a quote that I think explains everything I'm trying to say.

"If you spend your life lying to people about who you are, you never get to know who they are"

 The past few years, this past year, and this summer especially I have quit lying, or hiding who I am.  And because of it, I have gotten to know other people on an amazing level that I would never have other wise. And that is really what has made all these bucket list events so spectacular. Because I wasn't hiding, I could share the whole moment, and they could share it back in turn. My hair was the last big thing that I finally decided I could do, and doing it, cutting it made me so so happy. and makes me so happy every day.

 Cutting my hair was the most freeing, liberating moment of my life. literally weight came off my shoulders, and my head.  My scalp felt air and freedom.  I have never had people say to me "this is what your hair was meant to be like all along"  but I had multiple people say that to me after I cut my hair. And its how I felt too. And maybe that's the key. All the fear, all those reasons I wanted to cut it like this before and didn't, they didn't stop me any more because I was done hiding, and so finally my hair- on the outside, was a reflection of my courage, my heart and my soul not hiding from the world any more, living my life, letting my light shine, not hiding it under a bushel basket.   And that I think is beautiful.

"I wrote in my stupid journal, I cut my stupid hair, and I came back stupider than ever, but you, you have made me so happy."  -Sabrina (1995 film)

Today at Wicked, it really stuck out to me, how these two friends, even though they were so different from each other, such differnt world views, and didn't understand each others paths,  they still really wanted each other to be truly happy. there is so much I love about the song Defying Gravity, and that is a major one.  So I end with the lyrics to defying gravity, because its how I feel right now.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!
It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
(spoken) Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could
do, together.
(sung) Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been
Dreams, the way we planned 'em
If we work in tandem:
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity