Monday, October 12, 2015

Family Are Forever; Friends Are For NOW!

 My dearest dearest Friend, I've been talking to you all day. I feel like you have been following me around reminding me of all our times together.  I don't know if  you heard me, but I heard you.  All day I desperately wanted to pick up the phone and call you, but I knew you wouldn't be able to answer, and it broke my heart to think that in this life I may never hear your voice again.  Then one of our friends reminded me, if you were here you would probably crack a joke.

 That got me thinking, if you and I had switched places yesterday, I know exactly what you would have said to me, cursing the air- " WELL Happy Indigenous People's day to you too! JERK"  and then you would have laughed a little, and cried a little and you would have given someone that needed it a hug, a really good hug, one of your magical hugs.

  Yesterday was national coming out day. I almost wrote a post, but I'm cautious now about what I post. Remember that one time, I went a bit over board, and over shared in a blog and it kind of made some awkward months in our friend group for a bit. I was so afraid I had driven you guys away from me. Then you had me go with you to help out for a photo shoot. As we drove out, I shared my fears, and you told me you would never let me push you away, we would always be friends. and we are.

Any way- I didn't write yesterday, because 3 1/2 years ago when I started coming out, its been such a journey, and it was such a personal experience I didn't know what to say. But today all I could think about was how you were the second person I told. I was so scared, terrified, remember. ha ha, I couldn't even physically tell you, I had to write it on a peace of paper. and we sat there staring at each other for five minutes because I was too scared to even let you read the paper. Finally I gave in, and I let you read that small slip of paper. You hugged me, you told me you loved me, and it didn't change our friendship. you were my support while I figured out how to accept myself and stop hating myself.  you were one of the reasons I stayed alive when I felt like such a disappointment, depressed, and so alone in the months that followed, as I told my family, and other friends. You gave me a secure home to always come back to. You helped keep me alive.

Literally, you gave me a home. Remember all those nights that we stayed up till 3 am, talking about life and eternity, everything we thought we understood, and everything we didn't. It was always so hard to leave your house. Nothing felt better than being there with you.  girls nights and game nights are something I will never forget.  I remember the last girls night we had, we planned that so carefully, we wanted it to be fun again. a little bit of that "eat randy" song you turned into "eat Mandi" and sang with your creepy zombie actions.  Ha ha, remember when we gave you the nick name of the grey zombie queen, game night, risk; you owned that bored. Settlers of Kahtan will never be the same again without you.  Thank you for letting me go crazy with the dancing, singing , and lip syncing our last girls night.

I always loved singing with you. Like that duet to "Say Something" we did at my birthday party. You know, the one where I tried to cook a 7 course meal, and it took so long that I had to send a doggy bag home with you.  And that day, for my birthday, when you and I just drove around in my car for an hour and sang whatever came on the radio, with gusto. "I love you Like a Love song" will always make me think of you, and anything by lady antebellum. and rascal flats, and Colby Calait.

 Remember that day at YSA, playing dodge ball in the gym. That was when we really first bonded. you were the perfect friend at the perfect time. All those nights, chatting in the church parking lot. One time my battery died, and you stayed even later talking with me while we waited for a jump.

We may have only been in each others lives a little less than 5 years, but I have more memories of you than probably almost anyone else I've ever met. You were my family, you were my friend. You are and always will be my friend. I'll never forget, when we were talking about eternity or something, or marriage, or how we'd probably all eventually continue on our separate journeys at some point again in this life,  and you said the most important thing I've ever learned. "Families are forever, Friends are for now!!!"

 And what you meant by it, I think, was that this whole eternal plan thing, we get married, we go our separate ways, eventually things like that happen. People die. But our friends, they are important too, and we should absolutely enjoy their company now, in the moment we have it, without fear and dread of loosing them at some point in the future.

 Thank you for always being there for me when I needed you, any time, day or night. For being willing to be my emergency contact for a time (I know that was a really great responsibility), for picking me up from the ferry sometimes, even though it was way out of your way. Thanks for being one of the most incredible people I have had the privilege to know,  Thank you for being in my life, for being my family, my friend, my comedic relief, someone who would love me unconditionally, some one with an incredibly huge heart and massive talent. Thank you for brightening my life with yours.  There are a million memories I have thought of today. I couldn't rewrite even a quarter of them, but you were there, so Im sure you remember too.

 any way,
Happy Indigenous People's day to you too!!!  You made me cry you big jerk!!!!

 I love you,


P.S.  to those of you reading this post,  My friend and her husband and kids have had some unique circumstances to deal with at this time. A  has been a gofundme account set up to help out her husband and kids. Please click on the link below and learn more about their unique family, and story. If you have the ability to help out with the gofundme, even small amount, It would mean a great deal. I love those children, and her husband is also one of my amazing friends. They could use help with medical and funeral costs.