Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Mourning With Those Who Mourn, Redecorating With Those That Redecorate

      Time has become this thing that makes no sense to me. Hours come and go, and days, and though they are full of stuff, I have no Idea or concept any more of really how much has or hasn't passed. Sometimes, I think things happened weeks ago, and it was months, sometimes I think it was months ago and it was only days. So as I write tonight, please forgive my lack of concept of time.  Its all wibbley wobbly and stuff and I can't make sense of it or make it linear for you if I tried. So please enjoy my ball of timey wimey emotions.

       I don't want to make the error of saying how many weeks ago, but I can be specific that it was not this week, and perhaps it may have been two weeks ago? but I'm not exactly sure. Some time around two weeks ago, some time in the days, possibly a week? I don't know, following the funeral of my friend Michelle, I came home to my house, and I got really sad, and really angry because I felt there was no corner of it that was not haunting me with memories of this or that thing we did that one time in my house.  You see, I've lived, surprisingly, in this house for pretty much all but 6 or 7 months of the time I knew and was friends with Michelle.  For me, that is an incredible feat. Before this house I never stayed anywhere longer than two years.  Any way, That's not really what this is about. During those years I became stable, my friendship with Michelle was key, and therefore we did stuff a lot. The other thing is, that I pretty much (also very shocking and rare) have not redecorated or rearranged my house  since just a few months before or after- see that time thing again- Michelle got married. That was an interesting and turbulent time in my personal life, but we will not go into that, it didn't have much to do with Michelle except that she was an amazing friend at helping me survive it.

 This post is about redecorating my house. So the point is, I felt I had to redecorate my house. So I did. I came home one day a week, two weeks? maybe three? and I just started ripping everything off the walls, in every room. I even took the slip cover off my couch. I just couldn't look at it any more. It wasn't that I didn't want to be reminded of my friend, it was just that I needed some spaces to breathe and not feel constantly bombarded with memories. So I made my house a blank slate, and then I started planning, and buying and creating, and decorating.  I didn't want my friend erased from my house, but I knew I had to change it to start to heal,  so the first thing I decided to do  was to revamp the friend wall, and make a special place for a handful of the people that have died in my life that needed a space. Michelle being one of them. I then also needed a friend wall that spanned a greater depth and breadth of my friends I've had throughout my life, and I needed my house to start to represent the person I have become, rather than the person I was two years ago. A major part of this redecoration thing is and was saying, feeling and defining myself for myself right now, and I think I had to do that because ....

  I feel like when you become friends with someone enough to that point where you get really vulnerable and open with each other,  when you laugh and cry together, and you talk about all sorts of stuff, and you start talking like each other, and quoting each other, its like you exchange little pieces of yourself with those friends, and you change each other, permanently, in a way that can't be unchanged. I mean, language is representative of something so much deeper within, so when I start talking like you a piece of you has become a part of me, and that happens with friends. Any way, So some part of me, I feel has died with Michelle. I have no idea what part, but there is a part, I can feel it missing. But some part of her is living on in me. Any way, tangent, but that's my thought on that. So some part of me is gone, changed, and unable to be pulled back, and this has left me with some puzzles to puzzle about what is important to me, about who I am and who I want to become and how to get there, and a lot of that is coming into my redecorating.  

 But there was something else. So I went shopping to do my redecoration, and I had to go to Walmart and look for stuff. I didn't know exactly what I was looking for, but I had a general idea, and I just sort of wandered around and felt things out. Any way, things were going really well, and I was feeling really good about what I was doing and accomplishing. Then I rounded a corner in the back of the store over by the toys. Suddenly a fresh memory hit me, one I hadn't remembered at all. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, suddenly I needed to cry, and suddenly I desperately needed to get out of that store. But I didn't.  I took some deep breaths, and I got out when I could, but I didn't run. I stayed and felt it for a moment, and remembered.

 The memory was, the real last time I had seen Michelle. I didn't remember it before that moment, because it wasn't planned, it wasn't long, and honestly it wasn't super great like the picnic I had had with her on my deck in April/June? some time in the spring months are all the same to me right now. Any way, this had been August. It was the week/ weekend before I was going to Utah to visit my parents. I remember because I was in a hurry, kind of to get away and buy some clothes for hot Utah weather and I have no idea why I was were I was, but I ran into Bryan and Michelle and all the kids trying to buy a toy for a birthday party or something (thus by the toys). They were in a hurry, I was in a hurry. I was excited to run into them, but also not because I was in a hurry. I think we may have said something about when things are less crazy we should get together and have a game night again, and that was it. we said see ya, and rushed off in our hurry.  And that was it. That was my memory, that was the last time I talked to my friend.  and that memory hit like a ton of bricks. And that still happens, I drive around places and suddenly remember something and I randomly need to cry. A song comes on that I forgot about and I need to cry, and I'm angry, and sometimes I can hear her voice in my mind, saying Michelle stuff, and I still can't believe it could possibly be real, because I can hear her, so I should be able to call her.

 Any way, this stuff is kinda rough, and probably boring to read about, or else it makes you feel sad and you want to fix things for me so I don't have to feel sad. But here's the thing, no one can fix this. no words can make it better. Hugs help, but my life is good, I am in a good, stable place where I can let these emotions exist without having them nearly destroy me as they often nearly did in my younger years. I know everything  and believe everything I need to to find my own peace, but I still gotta feel what I feel, and no one can change that or take it away, and honestly I wouldn't  want them to.

 I have learned to do what I can do when I can do it. and when to not do things because I don't have the emotional energy to do it. I'm accomplishing a lot right now, I am  dreaming big, and living big, and fighting hard and running, and eating salad and eating candy bars, and sometimes i come home and watch gymnastics and cry curled on my bed, most nights I get my studying and home work done. and I function, even though Id like to crawl into a hole till this goes away and not feel it.  then other times, I get my hair cut, and that feels great,  and I decorate my house, because I'm accomplishing something that is important to me, I figure me out, I take care of my needs, making and creating the space I need to heal and to thrive right now.  There are a lot of things I want to do right now, that I just can't, there are a lot of things I am telling myself that there is time to do in the future, just keep taking and making those small steps.  and its good, its creating positive changes all around me.  But I love my friend, and I miss her, and I miss the things I thought we might still someday do, and now cant,  and I wonder if we could  still do them, would we or was life getting too crazy and different and maybe those dreams wouldn't have survived any way. But it doesn't matter because could have doesn't help me accept reality.

 This has now become quite long (sorry, time, you know, its a problem for me right now.) I guess the point of this whole thing is just to update you, and to give you a small piece of me, because I need to give it to someone. This has changed my life, because Michelle changed my life.  Heck, I ended day light saving time two weeks early because of this, because it was too hard to wake up, but now I wake up just on time. I guess that's a silver lining, but the point is, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm a bit confused and lost, but yet more found and clear on somethings than ever before. I'm OK, in someways I'm even great, but I'm still sad and no one can or should fix it, but there should be a hole lot more hugging and that's pretty much it.  

 Thank you for letting me go on and on and on, and reading all this.  If any other family or friends are reading this, and you are feeling as many confusing things as me, and time is all weird and incomprehensible, just know you are not alone. If my experience is completely different from yours, that's OK too. We all feel and deal with things differently, and I think its important that we know that is OK. Any way, that's my update. thanks for reading all this. Please do not try to comfort me with words, I'm starting to find that annoying, though I recognize its well intended. If you want to use words just use them to be here in this moment with me, because those are the kinds of words that aren't annoying.  and most of all, if you see me in person, skip the words and just give me a hug. I often could use a hug these days, and there is no way I can get too many.  I even almost hugged a druggy homeless lady a few weeks ago, despite my germaphobia, because right now I just don't care, hugs are good, and so is hand sanetizer, Lysol, and washing things.   any way- yes. Hugs. Lots of hugs. and singing. singing is always welcome. Sing and hug. let make life Glee. why not. did they hug on glee? yeah, not all the time, but sometimes they hugged and then they sung. We should do that.  Hug and sing, and redecorate our lives and houses.