Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Day 1

WARNING: CONTAINS SPELLING ERRORS. If you are sensitive and prone to being upset about spelling and gramatical errors, please read the following with caution. My spell check is not working, and I have never been good at spelling. Thank you.

  This is going to be an unusual post, I guess after having my first long, mutually loving relationship/ and very short engagement come to an end, that shouldn't be a surprising thing. Actually, probably all my posts are unusual because they are written by me, and I am unique and unusual.

  Any way, I saw Ghostbusters for the third time today. I love that movie, Holtzman is my happy place, if that's possible, yup. Mentally inserting Holtzman right by my bag piper man in his kilt on the banks of the Loch somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, and now all is right with the world as the piper pipes on.

 So I woke up at 6:30 this morning, even though I was trying to sleep in, because I kept seeing my ex in my dreams, and my heart would kind of hurt and I jerked awake like I had fallen off a cliff. By the last time this happened at 6:30, I was really tired of it and gave up on sleep.  I think I worked on my facebook soccer team management for a while instead.  By a while I mean until about 10.

 I also made a new Lithuanian friend today, through this game. I bought one of his players on the transfer market.  Some random facts about my soccer team in the game- They are called the Seattle Rise, and my supporters are  called 'the hope and the heart'  I did this intentionally because its hillarious when my team scores a goal and the game says the hope and the heart are singing, or when someone doesn't score and it says the hope and the heart are dissapointed, or the hope and the heart are  starting to get restless.   At one point, I also had a goalie (that I didn't name, I bought him on transfer market) named Jesus Hills.  I thought that was hilarious. Jesus Hills (Jesus Heals)  and since he was a goalie, Jesus also saves.  ha ha ha. that's brilliant.  

 Any way,  I did not intend to talk about my soccer team all day. I did spend a lot of time with them today. But I've also started this new therapy for trauma, because someone caused me trauma a month ago and bullied me after I got engaged. Any way, its this EMDR therapy, its an interesting rapid eye movement thing.  My homework this week, was just to note things I do that are unusual for me.

 Ive had a very hard time, because well- things have been not great with my now ex, and last week a friend died, and then yesterday we broke up. So if nothing is usual, how do I know what is a reaction to the therapy, that is different, and what I am just doing different because my life is so full of grieving and weirdness right now? After my  last friend died, I did all sorts of unusual things, like, completely redecorate my house.

 Well, today I did something really unusual. and I don't know why, if its therapy, or just grief, but it was super cool. and kind of frightening.  So starting during Ghostbusters, I just started noticing and naming exactly how I was feeling, and then telling my friend "I'm feeling shame" "I'm feeling  grief for the loss of the new life I was planing"  Things like that.

  It was very empowering, but also frightening a bit to know exactly what combination of things were creating the deep heavy pain in my heart, or the tears welling up in my eyes.  I felt a lot of shame earlier in the day. A LOT. Shame for failing, shame for not knowing this would not work out, shame for trying, shame for believing I was going to be a part of a new family, shame for all the people that might think this failure was a sign from God that I was doing something wrong.   But then I told my friend that went to Ghostbusters with me exactly what I was feeling, and the moment I owned that shame, It went away.   After that, I don't think I felt much shame again. And as the day progressed, and my Whack- A-Mole of feelings and emotions popped in and out, and I named the thing, I felt it, I owned it, and onward we went.  Guys, it was really hard.  More than a few times I wanted to find something, anything to numb that pain.

 When that happened, I told my friend. We talked about it. We talked in depth about how numbing the pain never works, that you can't escape it, and you are just delaying healing from it. Together, with my friend I faced the thing I wanted to hide from. I faced it, and then it would go. Something new would soon come, and I would face it again. It was a tough day, with lots of feelings.  It was also a good day, with an army of friends and family loving, supporting, and listening to me. It was a good day with a bit of healing words between me and my ex even.  It was a super hard day.  but it was still good. I also had a lot of dog support today, mine and my friends. nothing is better than a dog. A dog, and Kate McKinnon, and friends. and hugs and comfort food.  I also faced a lot of uncertinty today. My whole life plan just changed, and I was planing some big plans, and now I just don't know what Im supposed to do, or what I want to do, or what I should do with my housing situation, but I need to make some kind of decision in a month or two- so no pressure.

Any way, that was day one. I felt at times this was a great decison on the part of my ex, and other times a horrible decision, and sometimes I felt ripped off and sometimes I just wanted to hide somewhere from everything.  But at the end of the day, I now get to go to sleep, and I think I will sleep better, because I faced the shame, I faced the uncertanty and I faced all the stuff. That is my hope.

Speaking of Hope, Hope Solo got a 6 mo suspension and her USWNT contract terminated. I think the suspension is even a bit excessive, but probably a good way to calm the masses seeking blood and vengance because its a big thing to hate on Hope Solo.   I think the contract termination is over kill.

A friend asked me how I feel if she isn't on the team ever again and her international carrer is over. I feel like its time to give some other goalies a look in, but I disagree with how this is being done, and I dont think she needs to be kicked off the team for the rest of forever.  I know a lot of people will be happy to have her gone, but I dont think its the best way to go about this, and I dont think its the best thing for the team, the country or the fans.  And I agree with the national team's union, that its sexist overkill.  They wouldnt do that for the men for that mild of comments. and you can argue what you want about an accumulation of past mistakes, but I dont think this is really justified. Suspension, yes. Contract termenation- no. And you can say what you want about that assult issue with her nephew, but there are a lot more question marks that I found with that case than I think has ever been fairly represented by the media, and until a court determines there was really something meriting great concern there- Im gonna say we should withold judgement. Again, not a popular opinion, but I think we should rise above being petty with Hope.   She should be held acountable for her actions yes, but some actions we dont quite have the full story on , and we may never. Public opinion shouldn't be judge and jury for the courts or for her national team employment status. Sponsers- yes. Obviously.

Any way, thanks for reading my rambling, as always. 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

The Sign of The Awkward Turtle

         If I have learned anything in my life, its that life is often awkward, and when life is awkward, you can slink away from it,  or you can greet it with open and loving arms.  The first option, usually means you are going to miss out on something awesome because of fear and awkwardness.  The second option is probably going to be excruciating, but often pays a high reward for the risk.

         So, how did I learn this lesson?  As a life long flee-er of conflict and awkwardness I owe what many of you call bravery to a really fine man I once dated.  He was set up to be my blind date, but I cheated and Facebook stalked him, and then decided to risk it all and contact him before hand for introductions.  As we chatted  and prepared for the dreaded face to face meeting, we both knew there would be awkward moments. There already had been, but hiding behind a computer it was a lot less scary. So this brilliant man instituted a way we could laugh and get out of the painfulness of it all, should anything truly awkward happen (and it did). He instituted the sign of the awkward turtle.

       The sign of the awkward turtle- putting one hand palm down on top of the other (also palm down) and wiggling or rotating both your thumbs. This is the awkward turtle.  and his function was to acknowledge that big fat awkward elephant in the room, so everyone could just move on with minimal embarrassment.   On the night that we did meet, we went rock climbing, and didn't pass the belaying first, but he belayed me any way. And  he did my harness wrong (which could have probably killed or injured me, but sometimes you live on the edge right? no it was stupid, don't do that).  Any way, eventually we both got in sever trouble for it, and rightly so. and he felt embarrassed, and i felt embarrassed for me and embarrassed for him, because he got chastised the most.  The sign of the awkward turtle saved the night and it ended up being one of my best dates ever, that turned into two weeks of dates followed by a severely broken heart, with an even bigger awkward turtle moment, but no need to go into that, it no longer matters. at all.

     So in life, sometimes people die and we don't quite know what to say. we are uncomfortable with that feeling, it is an awkward painful moment. I'm feeling that moment a lot right now. Or sometimes people say stuff about us that isn't true, relationships go a rye,  people do things we disagree with, and fights happen, and  sometimes Hope Solo makes comments  the media shame her for and her team mates more awkwardly heap on the shame and make things more awkward and horrible.  

  You know what- Pause-  So I don't think anyone agrees with what Hope said post match. I think Hope right now is probably like- oh sh!t, maybe that wasn't the smartest thing to say. But, you know she is human, and some humans just don't handle things  like that well, I don't think its the most horrible thing on the planet to be frustrated after loosing a game and call someone a coward for not playing the way you expected. Its not polite, and its really not the smartest comment, because Sweden was tactically brilliant to do that.  But, all of her team mates calling Hope out, all this crap from the media about it- its WORSE than what Hope said. Stop shaming the woman, lets just all bring out the sign of the awkward turtle. Embrace the fact that its an awkward situation, maybe help Hope not talk to reporters when shes heated, and stop making the awkward and the pain WORSE!!!

 So- UN pause-  basically what I have learned in life is that awkward happens. and you can either embraces that it is awkward, acknowledge awkward. give  awkward a big hug and tell it that you love it, or  make things worse and miss out on so much good that could have been.  Pause again-   Megan Rapinoe is someone I massively look up to, but reading her comments about Hopes comments, well. Megan is human too. It wasn't very inspiring to see her jumping on the shame Hope bandwagon. Yes, Hope could have reacted better if she wasn't Hope Solo.  She is Hope Solo, so she was probably doing her best, and could have said much worse.  How about instead of shaming Hope, her team starts saying- Hope is a human, She says dumb stuff sometimes. It doesn't make her a bad person, She is a great and passionate goalie, and Sweden, by the way, were tactically brilliant.  We can say nice things about both sides, and not make anyone a bad guy and tear them down.   Megan- you are still my inspiration, and I respect your human reaction to your team mates human reaction, but enough of this already everyone!! quit it with the Hope shaming. just quit.  lets pull out the awkward turtle and just admit, we are all human and we are all saying really stupid and more damaging things by continuing to talk about this in this way.        

So  in summary life is full of humans and awkward. When we open up and are vulnerable, we are human and awkward. When we get hurt, or are in pain its awkward.  None of us are perfect and we all say and do things we shouldn't and its awkward.  Why then don't we just fly our awkward turtles, laugh a bit at our pain, hug it out, and embrace the awkward. Come to think of it, in another USWNT example, I'm pretty sure that's what Abby Wambach did with her DUI.  AWKWARD TURTLE- sorry everyone. To say this all  in a more Brene Brown sort of verbiage- when something happens that makes us want to disconnect from humanity, let us wisely and carefully find a way to keep connecting and being vulnerable.  In the process it will probably come out awkward and wrong, but if we embrace that we can say "Hey, I'm awkward, how are you, are you awkward too? oh good, there is a pair of us.. lets just be awkward friends and enjoy that."  

Its not bravery, or it shouldn't be to acknowledge and embrace those awkward things that happened and keep connecting. What it is, is really the only way to heal a horrible situation,  to get through those horrible painful feelings.

I don't know. As always I'm just kind of rambling, I'm not even sure this made sense because it turned into a rant about people throwing Hope Solo under the bus. There are a lot worse things people have done that should actually be receiving scrutiny worthy of correction for not being "in the Olympic spirit" or even a remotely decent thing to do (cough, cough Ryan Lochte)

 But, life with its little awkward times, the sooner we are all OK with those truly awkward moments that get big that shouldn't, and acknowledge that's just how it is, humans are awkward,  and embrace it, the less pain and awkward we will all have to deal with on the day to day.  Learn to love awkward,  and it will start to love you back. learn to love your humanity, and it will human you back. um.. . i don't know what that means... awkward turtle... k bye.                  

I love you awkwardness, my friend.

Friday, August 5, 2016

A Time For Hope

Anyone who knows me knows that every two years, for 16 or so days, I get a little bit obsessed and captivated. Since I was a very small girl the Olympic Games have inspired me deeply and greatly.

Through the years, there have been scandals,  and bombings, and bribes, and doping; Hitler, and Putin and cold war boycotts. The Olympic Games, the IOC, the athletes, the judges, the hosts- none are perfect or blameless, and improvements in all should be pushed for just as those athletes push themselves to become better and better at their craft.

This Games will not be without problem, or controversy, and things must improve in future

But despite all that, I find myself again a child on opening ceremony day. Something about the flame of the cauldron and the parade of nations will deeply touch my soul and inspire me to love harder, dream bigger, and work for that dream. It will give me hope in a time that seems to be dominated by fear in the world. Why though?

Ive been reading a lot of Brene Brown lately, so I think I am begining to understand what is truely so spiritual to me about the Olympics,  and the World Cup. Human connectedness.  That thing we all deeply need, that thing that heals nations and souls.

And there will be moments that will temporarily break that connection, but for the most part, the next few weeks something deeply opposite of the hate, dividing, and fear mongering the world has experienced so much of this year.

For the next few weeks nations will come together, people will push on and give it their all when all hope of winning is lost, humans will connect beyond boundaries and divisions and differences, and I will cry happy tears. Lots of happy tears.

Remeber these words from Modern Olympic founder Pierre de Corbertin

" The important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win, but to take part; the important thing in Life is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well. To spread these principles is to build up a strong and more valiant and, above all, more scrupulous and more generous humanity"

And let the Games, and the human connection begin.