Tuesday, June 27, 2017

It's Like New Glasses

I'm thinking a lot this afternoon, about how post Mormonism is like waking up from being in a life long sleep. Like, you've experienced a limited world in your dreams, youve learned some of the basics, and you wake up and you're an adult. You look just like everyone else, but there's this whole world around you, that you haven't ever really truly lived in or experienced. You know the rules, kind of. They are basically similar to what you were taught they were, but there are a whole bunch that were just a lie. And there were valuable things, and true things you learned in this dream place you lived, but it just didnt fully prepare you for all of this. The full burden of decision making is on your shoulders, you can't just defer to some other authority because you see the world differently now, and you remember how you saw it before, and things you didn't see, and you don't want to just follow, you want to discover, and experience  more deeply, more truly what is the real you.

Now there's this whole world before you. It's huge, compared to the narrow version you were always previously allowed to see. You look like an adult, but you feel a bit like a toddler at times, and a teenager at others, and sometimes you feel older than you are, and occasionally you feel your proper age, but mostly you feel a bit behind.  You know who you are, and for the first time you are allowed to be that person, but at the same time you shed  all these pieces of who you believed you had to be, that never fit. It's freeing, but at the same time it's terrifying, because it's overwhelming. Because there's so much newness at once, but you feel like everything shouldn't feel as new as it is.

It's like when you get glasses for the first time, and you step out into the world you know, and if you are anything like me you look at something as simple as a tree, with excitement and a little bit of anger and terror, because a tree doesn't look like you thought it did. It's so much more, and it's so powerful, and beautiful and detailed, and it's overwhelming, and your mad you spent so long not really seeing how beautiful a tree really is, but then you get tired, because it's so much more than you were used to or ever thought existed.

1 comment:

  1. I relate to this... I mean, sure I'm gonna be 35 but I'm also still the world's version of 23 in a LOT of different ways