How Do I Still Show Love To Someone I Disagree With?

 My Dad taught me a very important principle in my youth.  If one of your friends, or family members is dating/marrying someone you think is an absolute creep, and you tell them this,  you will not likely change their decision. More likely they will continue on with the decision, even if they themselves start to feel other wise, and you will ruin your relationship with that person.

I saw the wisdom in my dad's words, and over the years there have been many times I strongly disagreed with friends and family members dating choices, and bit my tongue and saved our relationship. However, in the past year, I learned that I had been approaching this all wrong, and even though I had managed to not burn any bridges by taking my dad's advice, there were things I could yet learn that would not only just preserve friendships when people made choices I disagreed with, but deepen the relationship, despite our disagreement.

 Its strange, but not strange at the same time, that the things we most feel inclined to want to correct others on, to "save them from themselves" and their bad decisions, are probably the most personal choices that we really have no business at all making for anyone but ourselves. I am as guilty of doing this as anyone, and I am trying to change.  Things like religion/spirituality/faith, dating/marriage relationships, and politics often become things that can divide the closest of friends and drive a wedge between them. These are areas we feel often morally obligated to help someone else not make a "wrong" choice.

 For the past week I have been reading a lot of Brene Brown. I do love her books, TED videos, etc. The thing that I realized this week, and in the past year, is that the important thing in life is connecting to others. As Brene says "we are hard wired for connection."  It is an intrinsic element of being a human, we need connection, love, shared emotion, and creating ties. This is what brings us all the greatest joy, creativity, and can also be tied to our deepest fears and anxieties. Acting out of fear of loosing those connections can do a lot of damage and destruction to the relationships in our lives.

 I believe now that the things my Dad started to teach me, were missing an important element:

 About 15 years ago, one of my friends married a guy that set off my creep radar like no other. I followed my dads advice and kept my mouth shut. I remained a friend, and said no ill, and our friendship was OK, but internally I constantly moralized against her choice, and it still hurt our connection. A decade later when they divorced, I expressed my sorrow to my friend, but silently inside I celebrated that I had been correct.

I missed the important opportunities with my friend both to celebrate her joy with her when she was getting married, and to truly mourn with her when that marriage was lost.  I have no idea of the intimate details of that relationship. The consequences of it were not mine to experience, and what she may have gained from it may have been worth the costs. I don't know, because I was too busy judging, and silently being morally superior to do the one thing that would have mattered- be with her in the moment, in pain, or in joy.  Because of that our friendship has less strength and connection than it could have today.

All of us will disagree with each other on some personal moral level at some point in life. We all have different journeys, experiences, and things that we find "morally abhorrent." One of my favorite Articles of Faith by Joseph Smith states "We  Claim the Privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."

I would like to build upon that a bit.

I claim the privilege of choosing who/if  I will date/marry,  and what moral and political philosophies I will espouse according to the dictates of my own conscience and allow all people the same privilege even when they don't choose how I would like them to. I will focus on emotionally connecting with my friend/ family member and rejoicing with those that rejoice and mourning with those that mourn, in their journey for who and where they are, not who I wish they were and where I wish they were at.

     This principle was taught to me by example:

A short while ago, a dear friend of mine and I were out to lunch. I had the difficult time of opening up to her about something that I knew would make her sad, choices I made that made me very happy. These changes in my life had enriched and brought more joy and peace to my life than I had ever before known. But, I knew that  they would greatly go against her morals, and cause her some cognitive dissonance as she tried to remain my friend while morally opposing the things that brought me relief, joy and enrichment.  I wanted to share these things, because they were a major part of my life, and not sharing them decreased my ability to connect with my friend on a real emotional level. It was driving a wedge for me to say nothing of these changes, yet I knew the potential that sharing them could end our friendship.  I felt conflicted about not sharing honestly this part of my life with someone who meant so much to me, as well as the pain I knew it would cause her if I shared it.

 Luckily,  many friends along the way had taught me keeping these things silent would drive an increasing wedge between our friendship, so I had to share if there was any chance at all. Before I started, I told her what I had to say was going to be hard for her to hear, that I respected her and her beliefs, and I knew that my joy might cause her some sadness, I knew how she likely felt about these things, but they were an important part of my life, and I needed to share them with her.

 I kept the details behind my decision to resign membership from our church, where our friendship had grown and developed to a minimum. That was my personal journey, and isn't something that I can explain, and sometimes in trying to explain would also be disrespectful to the joy she found in her faith.  I asked only that she remember who I am as a person, know that I had not changed, I had put a lot of time and thought and prayer into my decision, and I felt peace about it for my personal self.

 I expressed my deep respect for her, and for her religious beliefs, many of which I still felt deeply connected to, and wanted to still celebrate with her, as they brought her joy.  I told her I knew that church was a big part of her life too, and that I wanted her to feel free to share those parts of her life that were deeply meaningful and important to her. She just said she loved me, and sometimes we could agree to disagree, but it didn't need to be brought up when we disagreed, we could just be with each other where we were at, because we loved each other, and know that did not mean we had changed our moral  positions to necessarily agree with each other, but our connection and love for each other was the important thing to focus on.

 Because of that we were able, over the months that followed, to deepen our friendship. Her ability to rejoice with me in the joys, and  cry with me in the pains as I shared with her the ups and downs of my relationship with my girlfriend that I was finally able to openly discuss with her.  She didn't ever have to tell me her moral opposition to same sex relationships. I knew her belief, it was never stated, nor emotionally implied by coldness, silence, or distance. It meant the world to me that she could be there with me allowing me to share something so deeply meaningful to me, and just be happy I was happy, without a need to moralize and dampen my joy by reminding me she disagreed. Doing so would have just driven a wedge in our friendship, and killed my ability to share those parts of my life with her that are so personally meaningful to me.

This connection went both ways. When she received a calling to work as a temple worker, I was genuinely happy for her. I felt genuine anxiety with her and she talked about being overwhelmed by the responsibility and weight of this calling. I shared experiences from my past as a missionary, of not feeling like i was good enough, or magically changed from my humanness enough to be the missionary I though I should be.  I shared the comforting words my Mission President had given us that God wanted us imperfect humans doing the job for who we were, because who we individually were could touch the hearts that perfect angels might not be able to.

There are many triggering things for me right now about the LDS church, but speaking her language and relating to who she was, and what she was feeling and experiencing brought deep connection and joy to my heart, just as  happened when she spoke with me in my language about my relationship with my girlfriend. That moment was not about me and my pain, or beliefs, it was about her and her joy and  celebrating her spirituality, and comforting her anxiety where she was, with what was important to her.

In so doing, I was also able to celebrate my past, my mission, which was one of the greatest growing and joyful times of my life as well.  And by putting my personal moral disagreements with the church institution aside and being with her in that moment,  I felt great and genuine joy about the exciting spiritual things, and personal growth this calling will mean to her in her life journey.

 I guess this is a really long complex post. And the thing I'm trying to share is one that has to be experienced to be understood. But there is something truly beautiful that can come in human connectedness to our relationships when we let go of that feeling of moral obligation to force people to see the error of their choices and beliefs that are different from our own. When we just meet them where they are, rejoice with them in the things that bring them joy, cry with them in the things that bring them pain, comfort them in their own language when they need it. This allows us to step outside the confines of our own experiences,  and deepen relationships.

Sometimes, it means knowing when to hold back your personal thoughts on someones actions and beliefs. It means that we just trust and respect that they are a thoughtful adult capable of making decisions in their life for themselves. It means knowing that we cannot have all the information that they do, and  that we do not, and should not have access to everything that goes into their journey. It means knowing life is a journey, and a journey is best traveled together, in connectedness. In connectednesswe all find  the richest love, joy, and meaning in our lives.

I am not yet perfect at doing this. I still have a long way to go. But, I am glad I am finally learning, because it has made all the difference in the world to my relationships.

*the personal stories in this are a composition of people and experiences from my life to protect the identities and personal experiences of real people that are closed to me, and our personal relationships.

  

Friend Day, And My First Best Friend

Today, those of us with Facebook actively weaving its way through our lives, were given the chance to have a video montage of our friends. As I prepare for bed this evening, I realize not only did that montage only cover a small small fraction of the important people in my life, it completely missed my very first best friend. My brother, Skyler.  I have two brothers, and I love them both. Skizwyler, as we lovingly nicknamed him sometime in the late 80's.  was my best buddy from the time I was two.

 Ha ha, OK  it wasn't that instant. I actually may have hated him for coming along and stilling all my thunder with the parents for the first, I don't know, 6 months to a year. I was really mean. I destroyed all but one magically surviving baby picture, and I've been told I attempted fratricide by trying to push him out of his crib multiple times. Terrible twos, what can I say.  Any way, I am rather glad I failed, because he has always been the person in my family I can go to and talk about things, or I could just be myself around, and he still thought I was pretty cool.

 Today something else happened though, that made me think of my younger brother. On my commute home something else popped up in my Facebook feed. The death of my brothers hero. Dave Mira was a BMX biker. I spent countless hours with my brother watching him on the X games, watching my brother try not only to do the amazing tricks in the half pipe of this man, but also emulate his good spirit of reaching out to younger people to lift them up, to let them know they fit in, that they were welcome to the half pipe.

I remember the year I lived with my brother, after I graduated college. It was one of my favorite times, because we hadn't been able to see each other much when I was at school and we were on missions, and stuff. and my brother built a half pipe inside an old farm shed and dirt jumps with a launch off the top of that roof. I'm sorry, but someone does that, you know they are feeling inspired by their hero.  I remember one night we had a bon fire in the back yard and this skateboarder kid that was a little rough around the edges spent the night sleeping in the shed, and Skyler drove him home the next day.

 Today I called and  Skyler. We talked about about politics. we don't agree on who we think we are voting for, but its so rare you can be on opposite ends of the spectrum and still have a very peaceful and loving conversation but we did. We talked about that, and we talked about what a shock this death was. About how hero's are never supposed to die. not like this, not suicide at 41 when you are successful with a wife and kids. Not when you are still superman.  Hero's are human. and we have no idea why this happened. but my best friend's hero died today, and I think I'm as sad about it as my brother, because  Dave Mira is a part of who my brother is, his culture, his foundation, and I love my brother a lot, and I love the influence Dave  had on him, and in turn me.

 So all I want to say is, I guess, Dream big. Keep dreaming, and always have good hero's, because they inspire us to do things and to visions and heights we would never otherwise take. And also, never forget your first best friend, the one who may not have chosen you, but loves you like a sister or brother, because that is exactly what they are. call them sometimes, especially when their hero's die.  Because hero's aren't supposed to die, but when they do  you need a friend.

 may Dave Mira rest in peace, thank you for your contributions to me and my brothers, and really our whole neighborhood's lives, in our youth and very formative years.  All the love man.

Christmas Socks; Finding Meaning, Owning Christmas

In the corner of my dinning room, in a plastic white garbage bag with bits of duct tape coving the holes sits my old fake christmas tree. On the coffee table in my living room lies a box, also worn, and duct taped, but open with my grandma's  old nativity. I have tried for 4 days now to get myself to un pack them, and set them up as I do every year, but I cant. The action seems empty and meaningless, and this year I just can't do empty and meaningless, even for the most beautiful and happy of my traditions. Too many have died, too many have suffered, too many are homeless, too many are cold, to many are grieving. I want to do christmas, but I can't just do it. It has to mean something. See www.SafeXMas.com

Up until about 10 am this morning, I was struggling to try and force christmas, but even Celine Dion, my favorite Christmas album, couldn't do it for me. I started talking to my friend about it. I was angry at that meaningless empty tree in the corner, the nativity, beautiful, my grandmas, but still just not connected enough to my life for me to put it out. And those giant stockings my family do. I can stand in them and they go to my shoulder. They are huge. But I wasn't going to put it up this year. What's the point, what difference does it make.

Yesterday I had a deep thinking moment about Jesus. Jesus is the reason for the season, as they say, and have for much of my life. So I asked myself, what does it matter to me? Jesus, this season. Do I believe in Christ? Yes. Does it matter? Yes. Well why? Why do I care?

On a year like this where so many I love have died it feels like it should be redemption of the dead, but it's not. The dead are always with me in my heart, and a future reunion would be nice, but it still doesn't  at this time carry  that deep meaning in my soul it once did when death happened a lot in my life at a younger year. Next my mind thought of redemption from sin, which is great, but I didn't connect with that either. So I asked myself to ignore all the answers everyone else gives, and to dig into my own heart and find my own answer. Who was Jesus Christ? What does he mean to you.

My favorite scripture about Jesus has always and still is Alma 7:11-13, in the book of mormon. "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me."

That scripture kind of talks about everything I've mentioned. But the part I love, the part that sticks out to me is the part that says
" he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

In a year that has been so beautifully rich for me, full of my greatest joys, peace and happiness, but also so full of deep pain, sadness and sorrow, not for me alone but for the whole world, for my every community, what I see as the most beautiful thing about Christ, is his compassion, his empathy, his willingness to suffer every pain, and every sorrw, to walk in my shoes, and your shoes, in the homeless veteran, in the LGBT Youth rejected by their believing parents, in the shoes of the Syrian refugee, so that he would know how to truly love us, care for us, comfort us, and empower us to love and care for, to understand one another, in experiences  we have never known, experienced nor understood. That purity of love, that trueness  of friendship, that is why Christ matters to me right now, that is why I love him, that is what I want to reflect in my Christmas, that is the only thing that can mean anything to me right now. Love, kindness, compassion, empathy.

As I processed  this while talking to my friend, I told her those things had to be the key to my Christmas this year, not the movies of my childhood, or the traditions of my fathers, or the cutsie  or inspirational traditional music. Those things are all beautiful, and lovely, and they have their place, but not for me, not this year.

I had an idea. If that tree is going to go up, I have to decorate it different. Not with my traditional lithuanian ornaments, though I dearly love them, but with the faces of those I love and those I don't know that need me to do something to reach out, to make the pain a little less in this world, even if it's just remebering that they exist, that they are human, and that they ought to be loved.

Next I decided I must have my own nativity, I must make something personally meaningful to me. So randomly I chose to get plain matryoshka  dolls, and I shall paint the creche that my heart needs. I don't know what it will look like, but it will be mine, and it will mean something profound, to me.

Next I thought of that big ridiculously massive stocking, I didn't want to hang it, and have it empty or full of anything. I felt angry again. And I thought, how can you fill that with love and compassion? How can you make it mean something? If you cant, don't hang it. And I thought. Randomly the voice of Bean popped into my head. "Christmas socks!" I giggled at the goofy memory of this cartoonish character gleeful with child like joy christmas morning at pulling nothing more than the other half of a pair of socks out of his Christmas stocking, literally the other sock.  And it reminded me, I have some friends that were once homeless, they have mentioned the great need of homeless people for socks. If your feet are wet or cold, I thought, really there is nothing in the world better than warm dry socks. Me and a friend had discussed this a week ago, and how we should maybe get a few pairs of fuzzy socks for the homeless, because we truly loved these socks warming our toesies  on cold winter days.

Suddenly the greatest idea I have ever had was born. I shall fill the giant stocking with socks for the homeless. I know people that work a lot visiting homeless encampments, and helping out with various charities, a quick text and I was assured my Christmas socks could be directed to organizations  and people who can get those socks to those that truly need them. And operation christmas socks was born, and my Christmas spirit shot through the roof. No, I still don't want to listen to your Christmas music, still enjoying Adele over here, but I am genuinely excited for christmas, and for christmas socks.  Anyone who wants to join in, fill your stockings with socks, and then find a place they are needed and empty that stocking. Or if you live by me, help me fill my giant one. It's something small, but maybe it can mean something, so I'm gonna do it.

I'd like to pause a small moment, before I end this long post. I have some really amazing friends. Two of them have been deeply inspiring to me I  their efforts. One of my friends started something this year called safeXmas, she is flying to utah and inviting all the LGBT people who don't have a home or feel safe going home, or welcome for christmas, so they have a place to go, to feel loved  and safe on christmas. Her idea has deeply touched and warmed my heart, even though I have a safe and happy Christmas of my own planned. See www.safeXmas.com

My other inspiring friend , a columbine  survivor, is creating an organization, and a Web site with tools, and things to help trauma survivors. In light of all the shootings and things this year, I find that much needed  and very helpful. She is starting a fundraiser soon to get things up and running and bring that vision to life. It's called resilient hope. Check out the website, spread word of its existance. http://resilienthope.org

Any way, that Christmas for me this year, I am excited  that I owned it, that something pushed me to. Examine what could make christmas meaningful to me personally this year. My dream, shouldn't be your dream. You should find your Christmas dream. If it's connecting to your traditions, or watching buddy the elf, or singing loud for all to hear, go do that. Go do Christmas for you. I think what matters the most this time of year is finding a way to connect to that spirit of hope and joy in the darkest of days, even if you don't believe in christ, or don't celebrate christmas, in dark days finding something that brings warmth, joy and love is what we all need, to carry us through to light and sun. If you do believe in christ, I encourage you to not fall back on the "right" answers this christmas time, but truly search your soul and determine for yourself alone what that means to you.

Any way, that's enough of my ramblings. Happy Holidays. Peace is my goal, love is my journey. Peace and love to all.

Mourning With Those Who Mourn, Redecorating With Those That Redecorate

      Time has become this thing that makes no sense to me. Hours come and go, and days, and though they are full of stuff, I have no Idea or concept any more of really how much has or hasn't passed. Sometimes, I think things happened weeks ago, and it was months, sometimes I think it was months ago and it was only days. So as I write tonight, please forgive my lack of concept of time.  Its all wibbley wobbly and stuff and I can't make sense of it or make it linear for you if I tried. So please enjoy my ball of timey wimey emotions.

       I don't want to make the error of saying how many weeks ago, but I can be specific that it was not this week, and perhaps it may have been two weeks ago? but I'm not exactly sure. Some time around two weeks ago, some time in the days, possibly a week? I don't know, following the funeral of my friend Michelle, I came home to my house, and I got really sad, and really angry because I felt there was no corner of it that was not haunting me with memories of this or that thing we did that one time in my house.  You see, I've lived, surprisingly, in this house for pretty much all but 6 or 7 months of the time I knew and was friends with Michelle.  For me, that is an incredible feat. Before this house I never stayed anywhere longer than two years.  Any way, That's not really what this is about. During those years I became stable, my friendship with Michelle was key, and therefore we did stuff a lot. The other thing is, that I pretty much (also very shocking and rare) have not redecorated or rearranged my house  since just a few months before or after- see that time thing again- Michelle got married. That was an interesting and turbulent time in my personal life, but we will not go into that, it didn't have much to do with Michelle except that she was an amazing friend at helping me survive it.

 This post is about redecorating my house. So the point is, I felt I had to redecorate my house. So I did. I came home one day a week, two weeks? maybe three? and I just started ripping everything off the walls, in every room. I even took the slip cover off my couch. I just couldn't look at it any more. It wasn't that I didn't want to be reminded of my friend, it was just that I needed some spaces to breathe and not feel constantly bombarded with memories. So I made my house a blank slate, and then I started planning, and buying and creating, and decorating.  I didn't want my friend erased from my house, but I knew I had to change it to start to heal,  so the first thing I decided to do  was to revamp the friend wall, and make a special place for a handful of the people that have died in my life that needed a space. Michelle being one of them. I then also needed a friend wall that spanned a greater depth and breadth of my friends I've had throughout my life, and I needed my house to start to represent the person I have become, rather than the person I was two years ago. A major part of this redecoration thing is and was saying, feeling and defining myself for myself right now, and I think I had to do that because ....

  I feel like when you become friends with someone enough to that point where you get really vulnerable and open with each other,  when you laugh and cry together, and you talk about all sorts of stuff, and you start talking like each other, and quoting each other, its like you exchange little pieces of yourself with those friends, and you change each other, permanently, in a way that can't be unchanged. I mean, language is representative of something so much deeper within, so when I start talking like you a piece of you has become a part of me, and that happens with friends. Any way, So some part of me, I feel has died with Michelle. I have no idea what part, but there is a part, I can feel it missing. But some part of her is living on in me. Any way, tangent, but that's my thought on that. So some part of me is gone, changed, and unable to be pulled back, and this has left me with some puzzles to puzzle about what is important to me, about who I am and who I want to become and how to get there, and a lot of that is coming into my redecorating.  

 But there was something else. So I went shopping to do my redecoration, and I had to go to Walmart and look for stuff. I didn't know exactly what I was looking for, but I had a general idea, and I just sort of wandered around and felt things out. Any way, things were going really well, and I was feeling really good about what I was doing and accomplishing. Then I rounded a corner in the back of the store over by the toys. Suddenly a fresh memory hit me, one I hadn't remembered at all. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, suddenly I needed to cry, and suddenly I desperately needed to get out of that store. But I didn't.  I took some deep breaths, and I got out when I could, but I didn't run. I stayed and felt it for a moment, and remembered.

 The memory was, the real last time I had seen Michelle. I didn't remember it before that moment, because it wasn't planned, it wasn't long, and honestly it wasn't super great like the picnic I had had with her on my deck in April/June? some time in the spring months are all the same to me right now. Any way, this had been August. It was the week/ weekend before I was going to Utah to visit my parents. I remember because I was in a hurry, kind of to get away and buy some clothes for hot Utah weather and I have no idea why I was were I was, but I ran into Bryan and Michelle and all the kids trying to buy a toy for a birthday party or something (thus by the toys). They were in a hurry, I was in a hurry. I was excited to run into them, but also not because I was in a hurry. I think we may have said something about when things are less crazy we should get together and have a game night again, and that was it. we said see ya, and rushed off in our hurry.  And that was it. That was my memory, that was the last time I talked to my friend.  and that memory hit like a ton of bricks. And that still happens, I drive around places and suddenly remember something and I randomly need to cry. A song comes on that I forgot about and I need to cry, and I'm angry, and sometimes I can hear her voice in my mind, saying Michelle stuff, and I still can't believe it could possibly be real, because I can hear her, so I should be able to call her.

 Any way, this stuff is kinda rough, and probably boring to read about, or else it makes you feel sad and you want to fix things for me so I don't have to feel sad. But here's the thing, no one can fix this. no words can make it better. Hugs help, but my life is good, I am in a good, stable place where I can let these emotions exist without having them nearly destroy me as they often nearly did in my younger years. I know everything  and believe everything I need to to find my own peace, but I still gotta feel what I feel, and no one can change that or take it away, and honestly I wouldn't  want them to.

 I have learned to do what I can do when I can do it. and when to not do things because I don't have the emotional energy to do it. I'm accomplishing a lot right now, I am  dreaming big, and living big, and fighting hard and running, and eating salad and eating candy bars, and sometimes i come home and watch gymnastics and cry curled on my bed, most nights I get my studying and home work done. and I function, even though Id like to crawl into a hole till this goes away and not feel it.  then other times, I get my hair cut, and that feels great,  and I decorate my house, because I'm accomplishing something that is important to me, I figure me out, I take care of my needs, making and creating the space I need to heal and to thrive right now.  There are a lot of things I want to do right now, that I just can't, there are a lot of things I am telling myself that there is time to do in the future, just keep taking and making those small steps.  and its good, its creating positive changes all around me.  But I love my friend, and I miss her, and I miss the things I thought we might still someday do, and now cant,  and I wonder if we could  still do them, would we or was life getting too crazy and different and maybe those dreams wouldn't have survived any way. But it doesn't matter because could have doesn't help me accept reality.

 This has now become quite long (sorry, time, you know, its a problem for me right now.) I guess the point of this whole thing is just to update you, and to give you a small piece of me, because I need to give it to someone. This has changed my life, because Michelle changed my life.  Heck, I ended day light saving time two weeks early because of this, because it was too hard to wake up, but now I wake up just on time. I guess that's a silver lining, but the point is, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm a bit confused and lost, but yet more found and clear on somethings than ever before. I'm OK, in someways I'm even great, but I'm still sad and no one can or should fix it, but there should be a hole lot more hugging and that's pretty much it.  

 Thank you for letting me go on and on and on, and reading all this.  If any other family or friends are reading this, and you are feeling as many confusing things as me, and time is all weird and incomprehensible, just know you are not alone. If my experience is completely different from yours, that's OK too. We all feel and deal with things differently, and I think its important that we know that is OK. Any way, that's my update. thanks for reading all this. Please do not try to comfort me with words, I'm starting to find that annoying, though I recognize its well intended. If you want to use words just use them to be here in this moment with me, because those are the kinds of words that aren't annoying.  and most of all, if you see me in person, skip the words and just give me a hug. I often could use a hug these days, and there is no way I can get too many.  I even almost hugged a druggy homeless lady a few weeks ago, despite my germaphobia, because right now I just don't care, hugs are good, and so is hand sanetizer, Lysol, and washing things.   any way- yes. Hugs. Lots of hugs. and singing. singing is always welcome. Sing and hug. let make life Glee. why not. did they hug on glee? yeah, not all the time, but sometimes they hugged and then they sung. We should do that.  Hug and sing, and redecorate our lives and houses. 

Family Are Forever; Friends Are For NOW!

 My dearest dearest Friend, I've been talking to you all day. I feel like you have been following me around reminding me of all our times together.  I don't know if  you heard me, but I heard you.  All day I desperately wanted to pick up the phone and call you, but I knew you wouldn't be able to answer, and it broke my heart to think that in this life I may never hear your voice again.  Then one of our friends reminded me, if you were here you would probably crack a joke.

 That got me thinking, if you and I had switched places yesterday, I know exactly what you would have said to me, cursing the air- " WELL Happy Indigenous People's day to you too! JERK"  and then you would have laughed a little, and cried a little and you would have given someone that needed it a hug, a really good hug, one of your magical hugs.

  Yesterday was national coming out day. I almost wrote a post, but I'm cautious now about what I post. Remember that one time, I went a bit over board, and over shared in a blog and it kind of made some awkward months in our friend group for a bit. I was so afraid I had driven you guys away from me. Then you had me go with you to help out for a photo shoot. As we drove out, I shared my fears, and you told me you would never let me push you away, we would always be friends. and we are.

Any way- I didn't write yesterday, because 3 1/2 years ago when I started coming out, its been such a journey, and it was such a personal experience I didn't know what to say. But today all I could think about was how you were the second person I told. I was so scared, terrified, remember. ha ha, I couldn't even physically tell you, I had to write it on a peace of paper. and we sat there staring at each other for five minutes because I was too scared to even let you read the paper. Finally I gave in, and I let you read that small slip of paper. You hugged me, you told me you loved me, and it didn't change our friendship. you were my support while I figured out how to accept myself and stop hating myself.  you were one of the reasons I stayed alive when I felt like such a disappointment, depressed, and so alone in the months that followed, as I told my family, and other friends. You gave me a secure home to always come back to. You helped keep me alive.

Literally, you gave me a home. Remember all those nights that we stayed up till 3 am, talking about life and eternity, everything we thought we understood, and everything we didn't. It was always so hard to leave your house. Nothing felt better than being there with you.  girls nights and game nights are something I will never forget.  I remember the last girls night we had, we planned that so carefully, we wanted it to be fun again. a little bit of that "eat randy" song you turned into "eat Mandi" and sang with your creepy zombie actions.  Ha ha, remember when we gave you the nick name of the grey zombie queen, game night, risk; you owned that bored. Settlers of Kahtan will never be the same again without you.  Thank you for letting me go crazy with the dancing, singing , and lip syncing our last girls night.

I always loved singing with you. Like that duet to "Say Something" we did at my birthday party. You know, the one where I tried to cook a 7 course meal, and it took so long that I had to send a doggy bag home with you.  And that day, for my birthday, when you and I just drove around in my car for an hour and sang whatever came on the radio, with gusto. "I love you Like a Love song" will always make me think of you, and anything by lady antebellum. and rascal flats, and Colby Calait.

 Remember that day at YSA, playing dodge ball in the gym. That was when we really first bonded. you were the perfect friend at the perfect time. All those nights, chatting in the church parking lot. One time my battery died, and you stayed even later talking with me while we waited for a jump.

We may have only been in each others lives a little less than 5 years, but I have more memories of you than probably almost anyone else I've ever met. You were my family, you were my friend. You are and always will be my friend. I'll never forget, when we were talking about eternity or something, or marriage, or how we'd probably all eventually continue on our separate journeys at some point again in this life,  and you said the most important thing I've ever learned. "Families are forever, Friends are for now!!!"

 And what you meant by it, I think, was that this whole eternal plan thing, we get married, we go our separate ways, eventually things like that happen. People die. But our friends, they are important too, and we should absolutely enjoy their company now, in the moment we have it, without fear and dread of loosing them at some point in the future.

 Thank you for always being there for me when I needed you, any time, day or night. For being willing to be my emergency contact for a time (I know that was a really great responsibility), for picking me up from the ferry sometimes, even though it was way out of your way. Thanks for being one of the most incredible people I have had the privilege to know,  Thank you for being in my life, for being my family, my friend, my comedic relief, someone who would love me unconditionally, some one with an incredibly huge heart and massive talent. Thank you for brightening my life with yours.  There are a million memories I have thought of today. I couldn't rewrite even a quarter of them, but you were there, so Im sure you remember too.

 any way,
Happy Indigenous People's day to you too!!!  You made me cry you big jerk!!!!

 I love you,

Mandi



P.S.  to those of you reading this post,  My friend and her husband and kids have had some unique circumstances to deal with at this time. A  has been a gofundme account set up to help out her husband and kids. Please click on the link below and learn more about their unique family, and story. If you have the ability to help out with the gofundme, even small amount, It would mean a great deal. I love those children, and her husband is also one of my amazing friends. They could use help with medical and funeral costs. https://www.gofundme.com/n66brm6s

Do It For You

A few years ago I learned a very important lesson, I don't know how this lesson applies to anyone else, all I know is that this one concept revolutionize my life, and helped me find peace, and greater harmony in my relationships with others.

The realization was simply this, when I lived my life simply trying to meet the expectations of others, I was miserable, and resentful. Feeling like I was sacrificing huge chunks of myself to make everyone else happy at the cost of my own made it so even when I did good things, there was an unspoken weight of expectation that neither I nor the other person could live up to. My reasons and motivations for my actions shifted the responsibility of my decisions and actions to others, and off of myself, and created an expectation in my head, that by so doing I deserved to have other people make the same sacrifices for my benefit. Only, nothing was ever enough.

One day I made the decision to stop doing this, to take full responsibility for my decisions and actions, and to do them, even if they weren't fun or easy, because it was my choice to do so, regardless of how anyone else might feel about those decisions.

The result was that I was empowered within my own life, my destiny was in my hands. My limitations were mine to work with, in the way I saw fit, and my moral compass was my responsibility to myself to follow.

I'm not perfect in doing this, sometimes I still bow my moral compass to other people's expectations. I think maybe that's part of living in a society, you sometimes have to compromise a little, but when I do that now, I make that comprise on my own terms, no one owes me anything for my sacrifice, I do it regardless of what other people will reward me for it, and there fore I do not resent others for not living up to an end of the bargin I imagined on their behalf.

Something is very important about this process. I think, because for me it has allowed me to be happy, to give deeper love to others, to not put myself in positions I feel are harmful to me, but also has allowed me to meet people where they are without judging them for not meeting my expectations. My expectations have become geared for what I expect of me, not what I expect of everyone else, and my choices are what I expect of me, not what is expected by everyone else.

This small change has been very freeing for me, and though I cannot prescribe that everyone else should do the same, I am so happy that a small change in thinking has allowed me to reach a higher potential for myself, and not constrain myself to artificial limits, but to recognize what my real limits are, what they arent, and to be more patient with myself and others in their journey of becoming.

The Power Of Hugs

When Affirmation's current President, Randall Thacker, tried to urge me to attend this year's Affirmation International Conference he got a lot of eye rolls and the question of "what is the point of your stupid conference that all my friends are wasting so much time, money, and energy on?"  His answer was simple, come and see.

So after a lot of persuasion I came, I saw, I conquered. And I came to the conclusion that it was worth every effort that had been expended and more.  I don't know that my words could ever adequately explain the experience, could ever describe in a way that your heart could truly understand what difference that conference can mean to LGBTQAI+/ SSA Mormons, and their families and their allies.

It was spiritually, emotionally and mentally strengthening. But I think the power of such moments are best explained with the most powerful of such moments, a hug of friendship that reaches from one soul to another soul and makes you feel safe, loved and accepted as you are and where you are.

I got a lot of really good hugs from really good friends at this conference. Honestly that was my favorite part. New friends, old friends, I was surrounded by friends, and everyone showed their friendship in bear hugs, nothing held back. I also loved the groups we got to be in and discuss our experiences, and the testimony meeting.

Those were also very powerful, but a lot of psychological research had been done on how important hugs are for people, and how we do not get enough of them in our day to day life. They can be very strengthening and empowering, and were. They were strengthening and empowering.

And because of that take away, I came home ready, prepared, and far more capable to strengthen and empower others. My best friend just lost a brother. Earlier this week I went to the viewing. For the first time in my life, I went to such an occasion understanding that I had no words that could really help, but I did have something that I could give to lighten that burden, to strengthen and empower my friend in a very, very difficult time. So I took the power of the best hug I got at the Affirmation conference, and I passed it on to my grieving friend, and we both felt strengthened by it.

I guess the point of this blog post is two-fold, 1- Affirmation’s annual conference is extremely important. I have no doubt it actually saves lives of a very vulnerable community and provides an opportunity for people to be their whole self, including their faith, where ever they may be with that, from True Blue Mormon to atheist with Mormon roots, it's a big tent, all are welcome, and all are loved.  I echo Randall’s words to me, if you are LGBTQAI/SSA and Mormon, or family of such an individual, Go and see why this is a thing.  If you are in California, there is a regional one coming up.

2. This is for everyone. Go find someone (in an appropriate time and place) and give them a big, big hug. Just stay there for a moment. We humans need that. We need more hugs.

Happy Friday everyone, you are loved.

Facebook Power

 Over the years, my opinions of my Facebook page, and what I allow to stay on my Facebook page have changed dramatically. Even who I allow to be my Facebook friends have changed dramatically. I thought I would share some of my current ways and views  of dealing with Facebook that helps me keep a good and balanced mental health and outlook.

 In years past, I had a hard time moderating my Facebook page. If someone commented on one of my posts and said something that was hurtful or harmful to myself or others, that was controversial or would possibly stir up drama, I let the post stand. I would try to jump in and say something to mitigate the effects, but this almost always resulted in things spiraling out of control and getting heated and mean very quickly. I am a peace maker, and though I support people expressing and holding a variety of ideas and opinions, I don't like contention and disrespect. This took a great toll on my mental healthy, this internal debate of allowing freedom of expression on a thread on my Facebook wall. I like hearing a variety of perspectives, and being open to new thoughts, I don't like peoples thoughts being silenced just because they are different from mine or another persons. How do we grow if we are not willing to hear another point of view?  However, too often if I allowed people to post controversial and upsetting things it became a shouting match where no one heard anyone else, and I walked away feeling yucky.

 Another area of potential problem with Facebook was who I chose to have as friends. Sometimes we interact with people quite well in real life, but online relationships and friendships can be very damaging to our real life relationships, especially if there is some hot button issue people disagree on fiercely.  Some people I was friends with on Facebook because we had a real life connection, but I found that that Facebook friendship, rather than enhancing my relationship was destroying it.  There are other people, I have met on Facebook through common interest groups, In real life we may struggle a bit to be face to face friends, perhaps our communication breaks down vocally vs in writing. I am an introvert and I am much better at written communication than vocal communication, and some people are the same. So there is a balance. But a very hard lesson for me to learn is that Facebook friends don't always need to be real life friends, and real life friends don't always need to be Facebook friends, and it is OK to set boundaries.

 I became the moderator of my Facebook page following the recent SCOTUS decision. It took something incredibly divisive, and personal for me to step back, and see the importance of being not me the friend, coworker, family member, church member or anything else personal in the running of my Facebook space.  When I made allowances for people to troll posts, and say hurtful things to one side or the other because they had this or that personal meaning in my life, It hurt me, and it hurt others personally. So I decided that Facebook is not real life. Facebook is Facebook, it is an on line forum, my page is my online forum. It is my duty to control the mood, tempo, and tone of my page. It is my duty to decided what is OK to post there and what is not. It is my duty to decided who is appropriate to participate in that space and who is not. It is my duty on my news feed to decided which friends it is a good idea for me to follow, and which ones I need to unfollow, hide, or minimize their appearance on my feed. Which friends I need to see daily, and which ones its best if I just check in on manually from time to time. There were also a few friends, real life friends, that I had to decide for the good of me, our friendship in real life, and my broader online community I was bringing to my page, that it was best if we had no Facebook involvement. This was not a reflection on our real life friendship, but was in fact to save our real life friendship.  Some people, for the good of my sanity, and our real life friendships needed to be unfriended or sometimes even blocked. This was a very difficult and painful decision to make, but it was the right one, and when I felt it necessary I communicated and explained this directly to the person in question.

 Another result of this Facebook moderating view is that I am now much more selective in who I choose to add as a friend on Facebook. If you send me a friend request, and we are friends in real life, and I don't add you, just know that its not because I don't want to be your real life friend, but I have judged it best for our friendship if we just don't go there with Facebook.  I also have become more careful in what I share as a public post, vs a friends only post vs only to a select group of my most trusted close and personal friends. This is important because some things in my life, such as this blog, or my voices of hope video, essays I have written for Affirmation, etc,  have perpetuated me and my personal life to a small circle public figure status. This means, sometimes my personal life becomes everyone's business.  Although I love sharing some things with everyone, for everyone's mutual benefit and for my benefit of being open, it is important to have boundaries, and some things are just not everyone's business, not matter how public your life becomes.  using the options afforded by Facebook, I have empowered myself to be able to determine what information I want to be public, what I want to be just between friends,  and what I want to hold to a more private level. Alternating those positions is a very helpful thing to do.

 There is no such thing as freedom of speech for anyone except myself on my Facebook page. I am the moderator. I have limits as well- set by Facebook. But it is my duty to myself, my mental health, and to my relationships online and IRL to determine what can and can not stay there. Sometimes this requires me to lovingly delete a comment on a thread before things spiral out of control, or before damage is done to myself emotionally, or to my other friends. Sometimes this means I need to unfollow, or hide certain things from my news feed, so we can still be friends, but maybe less involved friends.  Sometimes this requires I limit who sees what I write, this is also OK to do.  I think its important that we all feel empowered to manage and moderate our Facebook page. Finding a space for hearing others opinions and ideas is important to do in life. Its important to not get a one sided view of the world, however, is Facebook the appropriate place to get that view? Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. We need to use our best judgement to determine when is a safe and appropriate time on Facebook to do that, and when that can be potentially harmful. And then, we need to manage our own pages, not each others accordingly.  That is the determination I have come to in the past months. I cant, don't , and shouldn't control what you do on your Facebook page, and you shouldn't control mine. But I can and should empower myself to take control of my own page, my own news feed, my own friend lists, my own threads and make sure that the things posted are in accordance with my own personal values, and moral code. I am the one who moderates my own facebook page, I determine the environment that it will be. If I like debate, then I can have that, If I don't I have the power to stop it.

 The TL;DR of this is basically, you have the power to make your Facebook a safe space for you. You have the power to make it a safe space for your friends, you have the power to determine what will or wont be on your Facebook, and it is OK to set the boundaries necessary to do so in the way you deem to be most effective.  You have the power to create a healthy Facebook experience for yourself. I think if we did more of this, we would need breaks from Facebook a lot less often. Though I think occasionally those are still a good thing to do for everyone. 

Defying Gravity And Cutting My Stupid Hair

 This has been the most amazing summer, and it all began when a friend of mine encouraged me to live life, do a few things on my bucket list, and quit putting everything off.

  So I went to the Ballet and saw Swan Lake, I ate bacon jam on a Hamburger, I ran a mile, then I started training to run 3. 5k color run will be next weekend. I may not have the fastest time, but I am going to do it.  I started training for a half triathlon, and I got two friends and my mom, and possibly my brother to join me. I saw Schweinsteiger's opening game playing for Manchester United, I cut my hair short, really short, like I always wanted to,  I saw team USA at the Women's World Cup, and I ate Algerian food, and I saw Megan Rapinoe and the Seattle Reign get 3 goals past Angerer for a win, in the rain, and I lost my stupid voice for almost a week.   And today I saw Wicked, after waiting nearly a decade to make that happen. And it made me cry, it was that amazing.

This summer has not so much been about the things I have done or the amazing things I have seen. I have seen amazing things throughout my life, and I know that will continue to happen. It wasn't about the events,  really it was about my hair.

 I have spent my whole life before this year so worried about everyone and everything else, so worried and trapped that I just failed to live my life. I put it off for another day. I was always so afraid of that big hurdle down the road, that I knew was inevitably coming, the one I didn't want to face, So I just made excuses of why I couldn't do this or that.   I'm not saying we should all just spend all our time just doing exactly what we want, or saying yes to everything. But I think the reason behind the I can't or I can, or I will is more important than the answer itself.

 I can't, I'm too old. I can't my dad wouldn't like it. I can't I don't know who I would go with, I can't....

the amount of growth I have felt this summer, the things I have learned about myself, who I am, what I believe, what and who I value,  the freedom to breathe and just be myself, hiding from no one, living life boldly, it has empowered me with joy, and happiness, it has empowered me to inspire and empower others.  Age is just a number.  If you want to, you can run a marathon at 90. We put so many limits on ourselves all the time. A lot of times, we put those limits "for other people", and then we resent them for the limitations we actually put on ourselves.  I don't want to resent anyone, I don't want to regret anything.  so I decided to quit saying I can't.  I decided to ask myself what I wanted to do, if it was within budget and reason, I did it, and I brought a friend a long,  Watching Abbey Wambach score a goal at a World Cup is a fine memory, but sharing that moment with a friend and co worker,  watching the effect it had on both of us, to go for life, to live and work and dream.

 Sitting next to my friend today, tears streaming down my face as Defying Gravity defied the void and filled every space of a massive theatre. Sharing those moments.  Letting my friend cut my hair, chatting for 6 hrs while she hacked and dyed my hair into a new masterful creation. my scalp freed from the burden that was my mass of hair, and my soul freed by the conversation and joy of good friendship, and finally cutting my hair for me, how I needed it to be cut.

 Yesterday me and a friend changed my oil. and changing oil is kind of boring dirty work, but that was our moment, and I rather enjoyed it more than any oil change I've ever done before.

This summer, I have tried Defying Gravity, and its has changed my life for the better. because well, I watched this movie tonight, on amazon, Jenny's Wedding. I loved it. but there was a quote that I think explains everything I'm trying to say.

"If you spend your life lying to people about who you are, you never get to know who they are"

 The past few years, this past year, and this summer especially I have quit lying, or hiding who I am.  And because of it, I have gotten to know other people on an amazing level that I would never have other wise. And that is really what has made all these bucket list events so spectacular. Because I wasn't hiding, I could share the whole moment, and they could share it back in turn. My hair was the last big thing that I finally decided I could do, and doing it, cutting it made me so so happy. and makes me so happy every day.

 Cutting my hair was the most freeing, liberating moment of my life. literally weight came off my shoulders, and my head.  My scalp felt air and freedom.  I have never had people say to me "this is what your hair was meant to be like all along"  but I had multiple people say that to me after I cut my hair. And its how I felt too. And maybe that's the key. All the fear, all those reasons I wanted to cut it like this before and didn't, they didn't stop me any more because I was done hiding, and so finally my hair- on the outside, was a reflection of my courage, my heart and my soul not hiding from the world any more, living my life, letting my light shine, not hiding it under a bushel basket.   And that I think is beautiful.

"I wrote in my stupid journal, I cut my stupid hair, and I came back stupider than ever, but you, you have made me so happy."  -Sabrina (1995 film)

Today at Wicked, it really stuck out to me, how these two friends, even though they were so different from each other, such differnt world views, and didn't understand each others paths,  they still really wanted each other to be truly happy. there is so much I love about the song Defying Gravity, and that is a major one.  So I end with the lyrics to defying gravity, because its how I feel right now.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try

Defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
(spoken) Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could
do, together.

(sung) Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been

Dreams, the way we planned 'em

If we work in tandem:

There's no fight we cannot win

Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

The Parable of the Puzzler

      Yesterday in sacrament, a young girl sat by me quietly working on a puzzel. At one point she started to struggle with a piece she couldn't figure out where it fit. Her mother prompted her to help. "straight goes with straight" she said, referring to the flat boarder piece that would match up against the flat outer wall of the puzzle book.

As she coninued, I realized that a puzzle would never work if all the pieces were "straight" pieces. As the girl continued, she was able to stick some pieces in where they didn't quite belong. They appeared to fit, almost, but the picture didn't work, and other pieces couldn't go to their proper place, because this one was in the way.

  This reminded me of life. Some people are straight pieces, some are completely jigsawed, and some are a mixture. Sometimes we try to fit into a place that we dont, and it causes us heart ache until we find our spot, and we do fit. God is the ultimate puzzler, and can always guide us to our correct fit and place, but sometimes, he let's his children direct those pieces. Sometimes on their own, sometimes with some prompting, and sometimes with intervention, because we aren't getting it, and we've tried for quite a while. He knows how to fit the pieces, but He wants us to learn the joy of learning how to make the pieces fit too.

Running Races, Swimming Laps

Painting by Mandi Marquardt  "Dream Big" Triathlon and curling

In the past week I have thought about, and even at times attempted to write a blog about my Viking Fest Road Race Experience. I wanted to dump all the little things I learned, and all the amazingness I felt into this little blog and share it with the world.  But, every time I tried, every time i started writing, I found it just wasn't quite the direction I really wanted to take. So I stopped writing and did other things. This morning, I went to make yet another attempt, and nothing. And then I saw an Instagram post from Olympic multi sport athlete Lolo Jones, of her at the gym this fine Saturday morning, and it said "I'm willing to put in a few extra hours on the weekends to get better."  And I have no idea why, but suddenly now I know what I want to say.

 I am not the worlds greatest anything. well except- I am the worlds greatest me.  But I am never probably going to do anything that the world is going to recognize as the most amazing anything ever, and that is fine with me. But I am good.  I am good at sports, I love sports. I'm good at music, I love music. I'm good at language. I love language  I'm not good at math, but I suppose I probably could be if I had any desire to be. I don't.  But I am good at educating myself and trying things, and as I have mentioned, I have a goal to do a half triathlon. I'm not the greatest swimmer, I'm not the greatest biker, and I'm not really much of a runner at all. I don't love running, and when I do love running, its sprinting, its not any kind of distance. Running, is kind of like math. I can do it. I will do it, I will pass your stupid college algebra class, and I will excitedly accept my B- grade, but I'm mainly doing it so i can graduate- or in this case-  I run so I can swim and bike in your triathlon, and so I can say I did it. Been there, got the tee shirt. I also want to be a sports Psychologist someday.  Maybe I will be the worlds greatest sports psychologist someday. That could be my thing. I want it to be my thing. So as I do my other things, I am trying to learn about every aspect of being the best athlete you can be, not just doing the sport, getting the tee shirt, and saying "I've done that."  I need, and want to understand everything so well I can help others do their best.  I am not a sports psychologist, I have no professional opinions yet. But I do want to share what I am learning as I go about these goals.

      Last Saturday, I have been there and got the tee shirt- the Viking Fest Road Race tee shirt. I've completed my first race. It was just  mile, just a middle distance race, not  long distance race, but I did it. Step one to starting to prepare for that half marathon. Because it was my first, and because it is my weakest of the three, and because it was in fact "Shark Week"(see photo for explanation of euphemism) last week I did a lot of research before hand, and I learned a few things.

        Now, it was just a mile. So I probably learned more than I needed to. Possibly way more than you want to know.  But I thought I would share a little of  what I learned.
 1-Women:
  a-where you are in your cycle is actually significant to how you should prepare for and recover from a race.  Depending on where you are at, there is a difference on if you should eat more carbs, or more sugar, there is a difference in your hormone levels that will affect your speed and your recovery time. Surprisingly- apart from the cramps- shark week is supposedly one one the most effective and good times for you to run.   want to know more?  here is one of the many articles I read.  -http://www.runnersworld.com/race-training/how-menstruation-affects-your-running?page=single   Also I can't remember the other article I read, but one of them mentioned the Diva Cup. I don't know if you have heard of the Diva Cup. I only heard about it a few months ago, but I decided to try it during this last "Shark Week"  Its a silicon cup you can use instead of a tampon. It can stay in a lot longer.  I liked many things about it.  One thing, for me personally, was I found when i used it, my cramps were less severe. I have no idea why. I don't know if it was a mental thing, or if there is some science to that, but for me, I had less cramps, and I am glad I chose that option for during my running time. That is all I will say about that. If you are interested, I highly suggest you research the Diva Cup, and other similar products (other brands are available).  It was recommended by one of the articles i read for long distance running, because you can go 10-12 hours without messing with it.  'Nuf said.

b- Thanks again to Lolo Jones, I learned another fact for women a few months ago. Women and men have different needs when it comes to hydration, and recovery needs for protein and carbs. see this lovely articlehttp://www.outsideonline.com/1784951/are-hydration-rules-different-women?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=facebookpost and as both this, and the other article states, where you are in your cycle matters on these matters.  Key points in case you don't want to read-  its more important that we have sodium/electrolytes in our drinks to stay hydrated, we need more protein to recover, and we have a shorter (only 30 mins) window to get those recover proteins and carbs into our system.

2- For those of us in our late late 20's and up:  In preparation for the swimming parts of things, I read Olympic Swimmer Dara Torres' book "Age is Just A Number". I learned some very valuable things. Most importantly, if you are an older athlete, you need to train different, and you need to listen to your body. Less intensity, greater recovery time. Its a good book, and I highly recommend it. One really great thing i discovered from this book is Resistance Stretching.  It is a way of both stretching your muscles and warming them up. I woke up early to do this before the race, and I like to do it before swimming too. The good news?  Videos are available free on YouTube.

Also, because I am older. I have some injuries to deal with. Though I am mostly healed, I have had issues with Plantar faciaitis, and Achilles tendinitis. And I decided to do a test "run" with my play list, phone pocket, and outfit on Thursday night, and I had a twinge in the top of my foot.  Because of the Olympics, I became familiar with a new kind of tape. Physio tape, as the British call it, or Kinestetic Tape, or sports tape as we call it here in America, is a new way to tape up your known injuries/recoveries so that they are supported and don't get injured again, with out the bulky wraps of yester-year.  I went with KT tape, but more experimenting is going to need to be done to find the right brand for me, because I had major issues with it not sticking well enough, and I followed their videos and directions as best i could. Of course, i did have way more on than just the single things they showed in their videos, so that may have affected things, but i had multiple injuries. It did its job, and I had the support i needed, and my tendons are grateful. But it did look like my skin was peeling off at the end of the race, because all my flesh colored tape was falling off. 

my probably over taped but well supported pre-race foot.

Race Time!

So I woke up at 5 am on the race day. I started my pre-race play list on my phone, so I could get into the zone. I took a shower to raise my core body temperature. I did resistance stretching, i cleaned my legs with rubbing alcohol, I taped my feet/legs, I put on my running gear, I ate a quick bowl of oatmeal- not too much, but just enough as recommended by everything I googled. I did a lot of research on what to eat the night before/morning of. Although it did recommend things like baked potatoes, pasta, oatmeal, chicken and fish for my meals, it also always emphasized not eating too much. If you want to carb load, do it the week before the race, not the day before.  Also do not eat anything spicy. I have similar things on my Tuesdays when I swim. I plan my meals very carefully for swimming, down to what hour I eat what. If not, you could have tummy trouble and no one wants that. In the pool, you could shut the whole place down if you aren't careful, on the road it would just be really really gross, uncomfortable, and embarrassing if you do not plan and you have issues. 

So I finally left my house at 8 am. I will be honest, I did not hydrate well. But this also meant that I didn't have to pee as much, and good thing because the line for the pre-race port-a-potty was ridiculous.  I went any way, just to be sure, but I was able to race with a comfortable bladder. I did small drink a Gatorade as i ran, but I should have been as careful with my hydration as i was with my food, and I was not. This was a mistake. I should have hydrated well starting days before, and not just by drinking water- as previously stated electrolytes and salt are important with that water so your body can hold onto it a bit and use it when needed.  After the race, I had muscle cramps in my quads. If I had hydrated better, that may have been avoidable.  

When you go to a race, if you can, it may be better to get your packet the day before. I got mine the morning of. I pre-registered, so that was good, I avoided a much longer line. But then we had the dilemma of this bag, I had no idea what to do with it. and a tee shirt I couldn't exactly just change into for the race then and there, because I'm a Mormon and we keep things modest, plus no one wants to see me with just a sports bra on top, even if its just for a second. I'm not in that kind of shape. 

Bib Time: So In my packet was my bib, and like a million safety pins. I don't know what all the extras are for? I guess people loose them?  maybe?  any way, it was fun and awkward to pin on. I was worried about stabbing myself, but i didn't.

This bib is cool because its all electronic-y and so they could record our times using this thing, but we weren't supposed to bend it. I was worried about what "Bend" entails, since i strapped it on my stomach, and it got  little, curvy.  but it was fine. 

At the starting line, I was with my friends. They let us have music in this one, and I was glad. I'm sure I can run without, but, it helped me to not be nervous, to be in "the Zone"  and to have fun. I did a lot of dancing and singing as a warm up, and my cute little running buddy (I think she is 10) danced a long with me.  This was my play list for the entire day. warm up, run, and cool down:

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  airplanes (b.o.b.), Awake My soul (mumford &Sons), Beautiful Life (ace of base), Zinadine (Pascal Obispo), Fan (Pascal Obispo), Brave (sara Barelles), Chandelier (glee cast), Chariots of Fire, Chasing Cars (snow Patrol), Counting Stars (one republic), Don't Stop Believing ( I have the bag pipe version, and the glee version), Dreams (brandie Carlile), Fight Song (Rachel Platten), Fire Work (katy Perry), Forever Young (brandi Carlile), Happy (Pherell Williams), Heartbeat Song (kelly Clarkson), I lived (one republic or glee cast), Its Time ( Imagine Dragons), Price Tag (jessie J), Pride and Joy (brandi Carlile), Radio Active (imagine Dragons), Roar (katy Perry), Roll Away Your Stone (mumford and sons), Shake it off (taylor Swift), Shake it out (florence and the machine, Stronger (brittany Spears), Wide Awake (katy Perry), You Raise me Up (josh Grobin), Perfect (pink) Try(Pink), Sail (AWOL nation) , Let It Go (Idina Menzel), Defying Gravity (glee Cast), How To Save A Life (The Frey), The Power of the Dream (Celine Dion), Eye of the Tiger.

Even if you can't have music while you run, if you are like me you will need it for the warm up and cool down to get your focus on. Some people need silence, I do not. I very much need my music. It helps me to feel positive, calm my nerves and get into the zone. But find what works for you, and do it, and keep things routine. Another important thing, that I learned from Greys Anatomy, is Superhero Pose. If you have something important to accomplish, stand in your superhero pose for at least 30 seconds, but a minute or two would be better, before you do it. This will help you get in that super mind set of I can do this!

Running: So I will now give you the highlights of the run. I started with my friends, two families with kids. We ran down a hill, and I got way ahead. But I missed my running buddy, so i turned back, ran up the hill, till I met them. Grabbed my buddy, and we again took off in front of our pack. So yeah, i wasted energy and about 30 seconds or so of time just right here. But it was worth it, to run with my running buddy. she helped me find motivation to keep going when I wanted to quit, and wisdom to slow down when my tendons and lack of general running fitness and preparation merited a slow down and walk. That moment was pretty much when we hit the big up hill section. As my physical therapist warned me- inclines put pressure on those tendons. I did not want an injury, so with my wisdom that has come with age, I did not push it. the second those tendons started to feel irritated, i backed off. and I think its good that I did. The very hardest part of the mile course was blessed with some encouragement. People dressed in Viking outfits gave us high fives as we reached our small summit, and headed to the final down hill, and the final turns. Then my magnetic pocket fell out of my shorts at the bottom of the hill, and i lost another 20 seconds picking it up, and restarting my play list. I was not crossing that finish line without my music. And this was my favorite part of the race. Did I mention I was a sprinter, not a distance runner? well its true. I love to run, all out for short distances. I hate going slow so i can make it long distances. Boring. Boring. Boring. I picked up my pocket/phone, shoved it back into position, and sprinted about a block. I felt alive, invigorated, and oh so pumped up and happy. me and my friend crossed the line at just over 11:44 min. In junior high gym class, they tried to make us run a 12 min mile, and i couldn't do it then, so now that I'm older I was really happy that I had done.

The Finish Line: The finish line greeted us with free water, vitamin water enhancers, bananas, oranges, and Cliff Bars. We waited for our friends, Got our times, and saw my land lord be the first one across the finish line for the 5 mile race. It was good times. then we walked about a mile back to our cars for our cool down. stretching and talking along our way. Cool downs are super important, so is stretching, and hydration and food. If you are a man, you have 2 hrs to get those things right. If you are a woman, you have 30 minutes. Use them wisely.

Some other recovery tips I learned:

I had my first Ice Bath after this race. Ice baths are good for helping your muscles heal faster, for healing micro tears, and a bunch of other stuff. http://runnersconnect.net/running-injury-prevention/recovery-from-running-hard-workouts/ It was really cold. and not fun for a couple minutes, but it felt really good after it was all over. Another good thing to do later in the evening is to take a hot Epsom salt bath. I did both. I should have done the Ice Bath much sooner than I did, but I was tired so i took a nap instead. A nap is a good thing, but make sure you have done your stretching, eating, drinking and icing before, or your muscles will just tense up while you sleep .Give your body some time to heal itself. All of this is helpful for any sport, and any distance, if you need to recover, google some of this stuff, and find out some more about it. also, Massages are a good thing, but do not get them during the day you have raced. Wait, and get them 24-48 hrs later.http://www.active.com/running/articles/after-the-race According to everything I read, and I read a lot getting them the day of is less helpful.

Things I wished I had done to prepare: I am pleased with myself for testing my shoes before hand, Learning how to tie my shoes different ways- tricks such as the heal lock, and things like that. However, deciding you will do a run 5 days before the run, probably isn't the best way to go about it. It would be fine, probably if I ran regularly. I don't. I hadn't ran at all in months, and due to my injuries, i haven't ran/walked for more than 18 minutes. and that was doing run/walk intervals. usually i make it all of 3 minutes. So i wasn't physically completely prepared for this. I was wise about that though, and chose to do the 1 mile, not the 5. The 5 would have killed me. I can walk a mile. I do so in about 15-20 min on a regular basis. Know your limits. I knew i could walk this if i needed to. I also wish I had planned in advance so I didn't just find out things about eating and what not the day of or the day before the race. I am excited to try this again just to find out.

Swimming Laps: So every Tuesday I have been diligently swimming laps with my friends. usually we do 14-18, 50 yard laps in 45 minutes. Many of the things I learned from this race will be also helpful for swimming, some of the things I did for swimming were helpful to running. Cross training is a good thing. mixing things up is a good thing. both work my whole body, but in different ways. There are some amazing new technologies for swimming that are coming out. There are polyester suits that last longer, Silicone swim caps, as opposed to the old latex ones, and goggles designed for swimming outside in the sun, or inside in the pool, and nose pieces that can be switched out to make them fit better. There are different kinds of swimming. Speedo has some great instructional videos to help you with your technique. http://explore.speedousa.com/speedofit/swim-tips.html featuring Olympic athletes demonstration techniques while they are being explained. Very helpful. We also got our bishops son in to help us. There is also a technique called "Perpetual motion Swimming" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97b6XIntfcc that is pretty interesting to learn about, and i have mixed in some points of this with my other swimming philosophy. Mainly, in that I now swim to improve my technique, and I don't use kick boards and fins, because I don't believe compartmentalizing my swimming helps my technique. Swimming is a whole body in unison thing, and getting that synchronicity is the key to improving my swimming.

tl:drThis has been an incredibly long blog post. Its been mainly me sharing links,interspersed with stories of my actual run, and not so much me sharing inspiration. But I wanted to share all these things I had learned with you, because they have helped me. doing all these things have changed me. I feel amazed at what my life is becoming, what I am able to do. One little thing I have started to do every day at work, is to spend as much of my day working from an elevated standing desk position as I can. When my legs fatigue, i sit and rest them, but sitting all day, at a desk can have major impacts on all these other activities. So I am changing that. Its little things like that that add up. Its the stretching, its what you eat, its the way you tie your shoes. Its the little things in life that make the biggest differences. Its choosing to smile at someone, instead of ignoring them, its getting enough sleep, and its showing people you love them. Its showing you that you love you. I ran a race with little preparation. I had a positive experience, and I learned a lot. It doesn't matter if you are running, swimming, working, gardening, or anything else in life, little things make huge differences.