High Hopes- Chapter 9: Recovery

"You know it's really tempting to think when we're talking about rest and recovery to assume it's something very passive, almost kind of unproductive, perhaps separate from our motivation or our performance. But of course ultimately they are inseparable. We are only able to perform as a result of our rest. Our performance is based, in many ways on how well we've rested. How quickly we have recovered." - Andy, Headspace Recovery.

Christine Nairn as I previously mentioned, played for Seattle last year. Before she got traded she set up this brand "Finding Euphoria."  I didn't like the name at first, and it wasn't until I read a few blog posts and stuff that I got on board with the message. Go find what makes you happy in life, what makes you who you are, and do it.   Euphoria to me always had a lose association with something that could only be induced by drugs. 

But when I woke up Monday morning, All I could think was Euphoria seemed like the right word for what I had felt and experienced the day before.  At one point during my game I remember Daniella saying "We're high on life! not on drugs!"  Truer words  have never been spoken.  I looked up the definition of euphoria, finally, and fight me on this, but Wikipedia had the most detailed and accurate definition.  

Euphoria ( /juːˈfɔːriə/ ( listen)) is an affective state in which a person experiences pleasure or excitement and intense feelings of well-being and happiness.

That was my day Sunday June 3rd.  I got 3 hrs of sleep that night, and I made it until just after lunch on Monday June 4th before it wore off and I crashed hard. With exhaustion. Emotional. Physical. Spiritual. Mental. EXHAUSTION.

This may or may not have a little something to do with the physical side of things, and some of that was running from Memorial Stadium to the ferry, so... yeah. When I got home from work Monday I took an ice bath.  It helped. They are still horrible things. But I'd rather have a horrible thing for 10 mins than just feel horrible for a whole week.  The next day, I wanted my foam roller and TENS machine. But I couldn't find the foam roller, and I was too exhausted, so I decided since I only got 5 hrs of sleep Monday night, I would go to bed early.

I slept for 45 mins, and woke up with my heart racing and was completely unable to fall back asleep. That is when I started writing this blog. Because it wasn't just physical, it was emotional. I needed to get this experience out there and shared. I knew this was going to be the most vulnerable and difficult to write blog series I had ever attempted, but I needed to do it. I had to share it to overcome some of the shame I felt for having so much joy over things that seem simple but are important to me.

As someone who lived most of their life through the lens  of Mormonism, I discovered this week that I had a lot of shame rapped around my own desires in life. That it is easier for me to sing "Tis better far for us to strive our useless cares from us to drive... and should we die, before our journey's though, happy day all is well" (LDS Hymn "Come, Come Ye Saints") than it is to feel secure and own the things that make me happy.

 And that was really really surprising until I saw this clip from Dan Reynolds on Ellen.  I've always felt there was so much truth in the Book of Mormon Musical song "Turn It Off."  But this week I realized, of all the things that I learned to turn off, the things I love and find joy in were the things I learned to turn off the most.  It was in seeing my friends be able to find joy in the day, in being fans, in interacting with the players that made me able to overcome internalized shame and enjoy the same.  I couldn't have done it with out their support and example, and I think that's why it was so important to me that I saw their dreams happen as well.

I have come to believe after this week (It took me a whole week to recover) that the more I "Find (my) Euphoria" the less time its going to take me to recover from it. Its something I need to get used to doing.   The first quote I read in the Align with Joy journal is from Fabienne Frederickson. "The things you are passionate about are not random. They are your calling."

Well. There it is, I can quite asking why now.  Why do I care about what I care about? Why do the things that have meaning to me, have meaning? Because they are the things that will drive me to change the world.  And that's really all that matters.

After such a big week, you have to listen to yourself. You have to slow down, you have to recover, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I am an introvert, so I didn't do a lot of socializing. I was very happy for probably the first and only time that I had a bye game for indoor soccer and I didn't have to play. I couldn't have if I wanted to.

I needed quiet. I needed sleep. I needed reflection. I had to work through left over big emotions. I had to give them a place to live. I needed to slow down.  One of my friends is always telling me "Just reading your tweets makes me exhausted."  My life seems pretty full on all the time from the outside, I'm sure. And I do do a lot.  But I also will just take a day and sleep sometimes, if I need it. I did that Wednesday. I just slept, and when I felt up to it, I wrote. I spent a lot of time meditating.

I took a break from a lot of other activities that I usually find enjoyable. I listened to less music, and when I did listen it was more calm. I skipped a lot of soccer practice this week. I spent more time with my dog.  When waves of shame hit me, and oh boy, did they hit! I reached out to trusted friends and I talked through it.  "Keep being yourself, with your big feelings. That's what makes you who you are and that's why we love you." one friend encouraged me.

Friday came and I was starting to feel like myself again. I ran at lunch (literally) and got Vietnamese coffee, and happily watched and waited while it slowly dripped into existence. And I savored every sip. And after work I went to a friends house. After a 24 + delay from when it came out on YouTube, we watched Haley Kopmeyers latest video.  And we were joined by my friends dogs. so that was the best thing ever. Dog cuddles and kisses while sharing laughter and joy with a friend.

Half way through the video, my friend spotted the tattoo on Kops wrist that has been driving me crazy for months now. And now I was not alone, she too wanted to figure out what the crap it said. It was clearly some chemical formula but in months of trying I have not been able to get a clear enough view to tell what.  Well. we finally figured it out, and we aren't going to spoil it, but I laughed pretty hard. It took 3 of us to crack it, but that's probably the most Haley Kopmeyer tattoo to ever Haley Kopmeyer. Clever. Hilarious. Appreciated.

If I had thought about it in the moment on Sunday I could have asked her, but I didn't think about it, and that would have taken away all the fun of figuring it out with friends. So I will leave you the same joy. You can see it clearly enough in this video if you are curious.

Following that I spent Friday night at a Middle School playing soccer with Hillary. Two hours. Pure joy. In the rain.   Not every day can be perfect. Not every day should. Perfect days require recovery. And there are things to be enjoyed and savored from recovery.  I ate brownies with ice cream. I ate so much ice cream this week.  I don't normally eat a lot of ice cream, but  it was really good. I ate a lot of soup, and a lot of chili.  The food I ate was comfort food. It was different than my usual diet, but it was what was needed following a week like that.  Recovery is a vital part of being able to live life to the fullest, be it emotional, or physical or both. NEVER skip it.

And when it is over, and you are ready for it again, hit play on your pump up jam, and your dreams and get back to work. Because being honest about those dreams is hard work, but its what will get your butt out of bed and living.

Tuesday morning, when I was particularly exhausted and struggling with "What now?" I took a listen to a new song from Panic at the Disco!  It got me through the day, and even gave me enough energy to begin to make plans for my next adventures, a trip to Utah and a trip to Orlando with friends.  This is how I want to live my life, pursuing the things that fuel me, and helping others do the same. As I talked with friends this week, about the magic that happened, we came to the determination that intention and connection are the key to making extraordinary things happen in life.  That that magic that I experienced was real, that its always possible, and it needn't be rare, and that I really did help create it.

"Had to have high, high hopes for a living. Shooting for the starts when I couldn't make a killing. Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision. Always had high, high hopes. Had to have high high hopes for a living. Didn't know how but I always had a feeling. I was gonna be that one in million Always had high, high hopes. 

Mama said fulfill the prophecy, be something greater, go make a legacy. Manifest destiny, back in the days we wanted everything, everything. Mama said, burn your biographies. Rewrite your history. Light up your wildest dreams. Museum victories, everyday. We wanted everything, wanted everything. 

Mama said, don't give up, it's a little complicated. All tied up, no more love and I'd hate to see you waiting. Had to have high, high hopes for a living, shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing. Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision. Always had high, high hopes. Didn't know how but I always had a feeling. I was going to be that one in a million. Always had high, high hopes. 

Mama said, it's uphill for oddities. Stranger crusaders ain't ever wannabes. The weird and the novelties. Don't ever change. We wanted everything, we wanted everything. Stay up on that rise, stay up on that rise and never come down. Stay up on that rise, stay up on that rise and never come down. 

Mama said, don't give up. It's a little complicated. All tied up. No more love, and I'd hate to see you waiting. They say its all been done but they haven't seen the best of me. So I got one more run and its gonna be a sight to see. Had to have high high hopes for a living. Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing. Didn't have a dime but I always had a vision. Always had  high, high hopes.  Had to have high high hopes for a living. Didn't know how but I always had a feeling.  I was going to be that one in a million. Always had high high hopes." 

Come to think of it, this song reminds me of Kop. That's probably why I like her. She doesn't seem to ever give up, no matter how many times people have given up on her, or benched her. She keeps working and she keeps proving she's one in a million.  And she's just herself. I like people that are unashamedly themselves. Incredibly human. Imperfect, but amazing.

"So what if in the end it doesn't work out like I planned or hoped for? Most of the time it's even better... and in the meantime I spent my life enjoying and hoping, rather than dreading and expecting the worst." - Michelle Bullock 

High Hopes - Chapter 8: Fan

"I live beneath posters, in the hopes of better knowing everything of you. I've gone to so many concerts dreaming to see the appearance of Marie Lou. I've written letters to France, alone and in silence. If my message wasn't clear, I only wanted simply to say... If I exist, I exist to be a fan. to be a fan. If I exist, in my life its to be a  fan,  Without rest, day or night. Who can say it? I love you, therefore I am.  I have stayed in countless hotels waiting for a signature or gesture from you. I've taken boats, long journeys by train just to see you. To put a name on a face, from behind a window or a fence. Something to remember, to understand before you disappear that if I exist, I exist to be a fan. If I exist, in my life, its to be a fan. Without rest day or night. Who can say, I love you therefore I am.  Who can say that they exist, that they'll cling for life? If I exist, I exist to be a fan. If I exist In my life, its to be a fan... Who can say for life... I am a fan."

This song translates far more creepily to English that I believe the original French intends. so watch the music video because I think It will give a better sense of its meaning. Perhaps the fact that the fun of this doesn't translate well is why I don't like to be called a fan. But be it known, I'm not a fan of being called fan, or super fan. Unless its in the chant my co-worker Barb made up for me. I'm just happy to have a chant. If you want to come to my indoor soccer games and sing it for me, I'm sure I will play better. "Manda-lay-eh super fan! Manda-lay-eh SUPER FAN!"  This is the only time you may call me that.  The rest of the time, you may call me supporter, or  Ambassador.  I was given the title of Ambassador, unofficially, by Brynn. It is the correct word to describe me when it comes to Women's soccer, or sports in general, about 90% of the time. 

But when it comes to Haley Kopmeyer, I think I'm going to have to finally own... Je Suis Fan. I'm a fan. And there is no shame in that. Perhaps that was the lesson I learned. Within appropriate boundaries- I have to emphasis, because I am big on boundaries and some "fans" cross them and make me not want to claim that title- there is no shame in being a fan.  This song to me, is about the passion and the joy of fandom. 

I am perhaps too self-aware. So often, when I like something or someone, I don't just enjoy the fact that there are things in this life that bring me joy. I ask myself why? Why do I like that? why do I care about that person?  In 30+ years of asking that question, I have yet to find an answer, except maybe on this night I did... Because its a very beautiful human thing that we do. 

As we gathered our things from around our table that nigh, Vanya took off with his camera to get his post game shots, and we waited, hoping he could bring Jodie Taylor back to us. Kop was already too far gone. She shot off to the Orlando supporters the moment the match was done. We didn't even think to ask for the Japanese for Barbara.  As we waited I sat nervously watching Matt. We weren't taking the bag of goodies to our former players until after the awarding for the supporters "player of the match" had been awarded.  

Minutes ticked on, and then I saw Kristen Dallstream approaching.  "Oh no F-ing way! You are kidding me!" I exclaimed. "Holy shit! On this night of all nights, Matt gets to give Dave  (her nickname) player of the match? Oh I am magical. EVERYONE GETS THEIR DREAM! EVERYONE!!!"  

Yes, that is me in the background. That face I am making is me actually crying. Or trying not to. Matt is a Dallstream fan.  He's the kind of fan that I strive to emulate. The kind that supports and gives back and treats the players as actual humans.  And for me to watch him be able to give Kirsten Dallstream the "Reign Maker" award, on my day! There really were no words for this.  

I looked down at my table, where my friends still were, and saw this... 

 I don't feel like there are adequate words for this moment either. Danella got not only to meet Jodie Taylor, Her favorite soccer player, she got a hug. I talked to Jodie a few minutes later. "That's my indoor teammate you just met. You just made her day, and that made my day." I said. Jodie's reply was to the effect that it had also made her day. That she rarely got to see other people from England, and she was so happy to have met Daniella. She was smiling pretty big when she said it.

Kristen McNabb and Lu Barnes were now over by the supporters. "Did you see this?" Lu asked McNabb, "You're on the cover" Lu explained about the Matchday programs. Kristen had no idea. "Would you like a copy?" I asked, reaching into my bag and giving away my only one. Tonight had been about me, but in the course of all my dreams coming true, it became about sharing that joy as much as possible with everyone else. 

Bev Yanez approached. "Oh! Bev!!! I finally bought your jersey. Can you sign it for me?" I asked, knowing she would. She smiled as I explained that I usually don't have people sign brand new jerseys. "Once you sign it, I can't wear it." I said. "But someone told me I could scotch guard it, and still wear it."  Bev had an answer for that. "Oh no! You can still wear it. I tell my family all the time, wear it until it fades, and then I will sign it again."  "I guess that's true. I do see you around a lot, so that shouldn't be a problem." I replied.  I went home and scotch guarded it. This was a mistake. Don't ever do that. I'm going to have to take Bev up on her re-signing offer next game.  At least I know I can.

It was as Yanez left that Matt informed me Kop had already gone to the locker rooms. I had missed my shot. I was sad, but tried to pretend it was fine because everything else had gone so well today, and so many other people had got their moments, and it was amazing and totally worth it to see. Besides, it wasn't like I had never met Haley Kopmeyer before. How would this time have been any better or different?  So I was "fine."   

"Take the goodie bag and run over to the fan zone and try to catch Meatball (Nairn) before she goes in the locker room too!" Matt said, after I asked him if there was nothing Brynn could do about us missing Kop. Nothing. Brynn's powers are limited to our own team, not the visiting ones.  I grabbed the bag, now on a mission and ran toward the fan zone. With all my extra badges and passes I easily made it without having to go up and down any stairs. That saved me five minutes. But it wasn't enough. I reached the visiting end of the fan zone and saw Nairn say goodbye to one of her former teammates and good friends and then walk into the tunnel and out of my reach, despite my yelling out her name like a lunatic trying to get her attention. 

I don't like to fail. When I found out Hermione Granger's boggert was failing, I was like... yup. I am her, that's my thing I'm afraid of.  It's not any more, there is a much bigger thing. Succeeding beyond my wildest dreams, that I think has become my new boggart, but I will explain more on that later.  Back to this moment, where I was standing hopelessly in the fan zone with a bag of donuts, carmel corns, and painted canvases having completely failed to give them to 2/3 players. 

In that moment to my great relief I saw the third player, Carson Pickett, signing autographs. "Carson. I have donuts and a thing for you from the supporters group. and For Kop and Nairn. Don't leave without it. I will be down there and give it to you when you are done signing." I said relieved.  She heard donuts and I'm pretty sure that's it.  "You guys brought me donuts!"  this was on Instagram after the game, just so you know... 

Carson Pickett had a good night too. EVERYONE WINS!!! EVERYONE GETS A DREAM!!!

A few moments later Matt and Mark were at my side. "I'm sorry. I tried and Nairn got away. But I told Pickett, so she knows and we can give them all to her." I told Matt. "Kop's back." He replied. "What? She's back? You're kidding me!"  You guessed it, I nearly cried and my smile probably just about broke my face. 

Its hard to even write about the next moment. It meant so much to me and you know damn well I've been asking myself why for the past week with no answer to be found, other than it did, and it does. I would not have been "fine" without it. And with it... as my friend Toni said, I'm dead. 

Surprisingly though, in the moment I didn't died. I didn't cry. I didn't lose my shit. I was possibly the most chill I have ever been, and I have NO chill.  Haley Kopmeyer approached us, and was surprised and happy to hear we had  stuff for her. Everyone expressed how much we miss her and will welcome her back any time. I handed her her canvas.  

Mark spoke for the group  "We're sorry we couldn't cheer for you" He explained. She started to say "understandable."  As I broke in. "Hold up there Mark. SOME of you didn't cheer for her."  and We were right back to our twitter banter. But I couldn't not let it be known where I stood. You don't cheer against the crowd and then pretend it didn't happen. You own that shit, especially if the reason you cheered against that crowd is standing before you.  

I don't remember much of what was said, or done to be honest.  I know we all chatted for a bit and it was just a happy, relaxed, genuine human to human interaction and conversation. I know there were fist bumps for us all.  And I know at some point I asked if I could grab a selfie, and then asked for 30 seconds, because we had to do this right.  When I pulled my Orlando scarf out of my bag and put it on, that elicited a pretty big smile out of Kop.  And I know I asked her to sign my jersey, which I was wearing. And she did, right between my shoulder blades. It didn't sign well, you can barely see it. But I know its there, so that's all that matters right?   As with all of these, I think pictures do the moment more justice than words can so... 

Eventually she did have to leave us and move on, but the moment seemed to be frozen in time and lasted far longer than I ever expected. Or at least felt like it. Time is weird and its hard to tell.  When she left, I have to admit I didn't really know what to do next. I didn't know if I should just leave now and go home, or what to do. I didn't quite know how to process it, and I didn't want my memory to ruin the actual moment. I was terrified of that. 

My table crew showed up just then and the Japanese players were coming, so I had Barbara take my spot at the fence and wait for them. EVERYONE got a dream that night. And I got a million of them. Not to forget Hillary, she even got one. As soon as Barb had her signatures we finally left the stadium. 

Three of us needed to head to the ferry, and we didn't have a lot of time, or good odds of making the 9:05 PM sailing. If we missed it, it would be an hour and a half wait.  We decided to skip the monorail, and walk down through the sculpture park. By walk, I mean sprint until we got tired and then walk until we recovered and could sprint again. 

We were all sore, tired, and some of us improperly shod. We had one creepy run in with a guy on a bike ringing a bell and chasing us down the street. This was just more motivation for our sprint.  It was in fact, my day. And there was no part of it that did not go our way. As The Doctor once said on Doctor Who  "Oh come on! Give me a day like this. Give me just one. Everybody lives! Just this once. EVERYBODY LIVES!" 

The ferry was late. We made it with time to spare. I felt so much joy, so much happiness.  I had made myself more vulnerable than I had ever done in my life, for a whole day. I let myself want what I want, I let myself be completely me. I felt what I felt, and it was all big, and it took a lot to open up and just feel it, and risk it. 

I drove Daniella home that night, 30 mins away because I new I needed the time to process, wind-down, decompress. I also knew this day had taken every ounce of energy I had. I had constant battles with shame, and I won them.  I had the most amazing day ever. I never want to forget that days like this are possible.  And I knew that now I had had one such day, I was going to have to live life like this, going after my dreams and desires, and helping other people do the same.  

And it scared me a bit, because it doesn't come without a price, without effort, without thought. And it also scared me because I thought to myself,  What now? What next? You just had a perfect day. How do you even compete with this for the rest of your life? 

I have seen and done amazing things in my life. Probably things that on paper look far more amazing than this day. But I have never been so honest with myself about what I wanted, and how I would feel if it didn't happen. And that, I think, is what made it happening mean so much. 

"When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it'll never end. But however hard you try, you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies, and nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it. Everybody knows that everybody dies. But not every day. Not today. Some days are special. Some days are so, so blessed. Some days, nobody dies at all. Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million days, when the wind stands fair, and the Doctor comes to call... everybody lives."

— River Song, Doctor Who, "Forest of the Dead"

High Hopes- Chapter 7:The Game

"I'm feeling glorious. The crib looking Victorian. You know that we been going in since we hopped out that Delorean. En garde, things are just things they don't make you who you are. Can't pack up a U-haul and take it with you when you're gone.  We posted on the porch, my family's glasses to the stars. My grandma's smiling down on me like 'Woo! That boy got bars'  Okay, okay Yes I do. I said Amen and hallelujah, let me testify too. Another morning, a morning don't let self get in my way. I got my breath, I got my faith and I remember why I came... We gon' be alright. Put that on my life. When I open my eyes, Hope I see you shine. We're planting a flag they don't understand. The world is up for grabs. I feel glorious, glorious. Got a chance to start again. I was born for this, born for this. Its who I am, how could I forget?" 

Before the song could end I had made it back to my seat.  To be honest, I have no idea if I got there before or after kick off. I think it happened while I was settling in. There was a lot to catch up on with my friends, who had all ate their dinner already and  kicked balls over to the goal coach countless times.  They also had, for the most part, completely abandoned the idea of actually sitting at the table, so I tried to eat my food, and then joined them standing. I didn't do well eating my food I was way too emotional and excited.

The game had started, Lydia Williams was like, not that far away from us, standing in the goal, doing the goalie thing, and I was cheering for the opposite team of not only the majority of the people in the stadium, but the entirety of my table.

I was, quite possibly, in this moment one of the messiest eaters of all time. I had to stand up when the action was at the opposite goal to see it properly, and I would get really excited and drop bits of my chicken pesto sandwich everywhere. 

The excitement just intensified by the fact that Daniella's favorite player is Jodie Taylor, and she really wanted her to score a goal. "I'm sorry Daniella, that's not going to happen tonight. Haley Kopmeyer is going to have a clean sheet. you will just have to come back for another game and see her score a goal then." I said. I believe I may have been called a name or two after this. Not really sure, but she wasn't a fan of me cheering for the other team. 

Brynn stopped by a time or two, as she was running around the field. The first time I was so excited about our seats, I asked her "Brynn, did you make this happen? or was it the soccer gods? how did I get the most perfect seats for the most Mandi day ever?"  she said it was the soccer gods,and I started crying again.

 once in the second half when Kop was in goal on our side she stopped by, shocked we still had not had a corner by us. we chatted for a moment and she gave me a hug and encouragingly told my table, "I'm sure you guys will see a corner here soon, and maybe even a goal." I may have screamed it. I'm not sure "No! that's ok. we don't need to see a corner that bad. I need Haley Kopmeyer to have a clean sheet tonight." she seemed shocked. 

Apparently she had missed out on all my endless rantings about this being Kops night. The good news is, that I didnt lose any friends over this and I think that says a lot about how wonderful my friends are. of course, I was so happy with how the day was going, that I was constantly granting everyone their dreams and wishes like I was a genie. "Don't worry" I assured Barbara, who is a major fan of Utsugi and Kawasumi, "We will go to the fan zone. you will meet your Japanese players. Danielle, you will meet Jodie Taylor. It's gonna happen. everyone gets their dreams tonight, unless they interfere with my dreams. I get all the dreams, and everyone else also gets a dream." I'm pretty sure I sounded crazy, but I meant it.

At halftime I ran up to get my Yanez jersey. I spotted my friend Orion on the sidelines and went to give them a hug. I'm pretty sure I hugged, cried on, and told just about everyone that I loved them at some point that evening. 

Katherine handed me my jersey, and I met up with Daniella to head back down stairs. as soon as I got there I realized I would not have another opportunity to go to the restrooms so I ran right back up. when I finally returned and settled into place Kop was in goal. I was too nervous to eat my cookie, or chips so I gave them away to my friends. 

I felt like if I ate anything there was a good chance I was going to throw up, because we had made it through an entire half without a goal.  There were a couple interesting and close moments for Kop that half. most of them were quickly handled and I returned to standing, in power pose to counter my nerves while I watched. 

"I'm sure it has a name" I told Hillary "but Im calling this one Mormon Power Pose, because it's how the second stood when they passed the sacrament." I had my hands clapped behind my back. "That reminds me of a post on Lisa's power poses in the 100. let me send it to you." Hillary said amused. she also sent me a video of Randy Johnson exploding a pigeon with a pitch. I don't remeber how that came up. 

What I do remeber was at 7:15 PM Haley Kopmeyer made a ridiculous save that we saw from exactly the side of it, until that damn linesman jumped in front and I had to maneuver a bit to see the rest. It would become save of the week. At the time I thought Jess fishlock had taken the shot. she had just assisted though, it was Naho that blasted it. It was a really great moment. some how, I had managed to get a video of it and capture myself making the strangest noise I have ever made in my entire life, followed by praising of the soccer gods. 

this was kind of the moment where my overwhelm became  more than I could handle, and I thought I was actually magical. I had revived my letter to Hogwarts and the world was mine. 

"Haley Kopmeyer is going to have save of the week. and she's going to have it off an insane save of an insane shot from Jess Fishlock."  I had been predicting for nearly a month now. Close. I was very close and mostly right. and that's still completely crazy to me.

"watch out for the 65th min." I kept telling my table team. "Things happen in the 65th. if someone is going to score a goal, it will be then." I informed them. 

The 65th minute had come and gone. It was the 80th Minute and no one had scored. I began to hope in a way I couldnt have before. the 90th minute came. stoppage time ended. the score was 0-0. Today, everything had gone my way. Tomorrow I was going to be exhausted.

"Do you want me to grab any players for you?" Vannya asked as he walked past our table on his way to get post game photos. He was there as media. 

"Jodie Taylor." Daniella said "and Haley Kopmeyer"   I added. 

High Hopes- Chapter 6: Pre-Game

"I Ain't gonna die tonight, you can't kill me, not my spirit.  History is ours tonight, the people are chanting can't you hear it. Open up the doors on 'em, we playing tonight. bring on the marching bands and turn on the stadium lights. They gonna learn from me, this is our church to be. Life of a champion, so Freddy Mercury... Its obvious who's night this is... victory  in my grass gotta fight for this.  The streets are ours this evening, going undefeated. If I happen to die to night put my spirit in the stars, bury me in the grave and carve 'the history was ours.' ... Wake up bitch, I ain't dead yet! And if I was in heaven I'd be the best dressed. ... and maybe its excess but we ain't cut from the same cloth, player. Talking to a boss player, checks like a ball player. Easy money all lay-ups I be pissing off the neighbors... I be in my lawn chair star gazing like woo! All praise to the most high, your boy in his own J's, I made it to court side... I took my weakness and turned that into a weapon and when everybody doubted me I turned that to my leopard.  So I stand up on the stage, it wasn't planned, see it was destined. Look at fifty-thousand people with their hands unto the heavens and said.... Didn't come this far to lose. Won't let death make a move. Might not mean much to you but I'd die for this W.  Let my life be something to prove. Every scrape, every fight, every cut, every bruise... the people are chanting, can't you hear it? - Macklemore Ain't gonna die tonight. 

I don't think it can be overstated at this point just how many times I told my friends, Brynn, and fellow volunteers/interns how much I loved them while happy crying through out the day. Phrases I also uttered a lot were "Oh my gosh I love this song!" (that no one else could hear, because I was listening on my headphones.) and "This is the best day ever." 

And now it was indeed time for it to be the best day ever. It was 4:30 pm. I had 15 mins until my Table Team as I called them were to arrive. I ran down to the Supporter section and grabbed a few things out of my bag, and said hello to the supporters group core. My friends. I had a good chat with Mark about our previous days words on twitter.  "Mark, don't worry about it. We are cool." I said, before explaining to him in detail why exactly I would be cheering for Orlando and not Seattle this night. I made a good argument, and he almost joined me. Almost, but not.  I wasn't here to have anyone join me though. I was here to cheer alone, against the crowd, because its what I needed to do for me, and me alone.

I ran up to merchandise and immediately ordered my Bev Yanez jersey. It was well past time that I do so, and today's interaction just reminded me of that. "Thanks Katherine. See you at halftime!" I said getting misty eyed and telling her and Emily that they were the best and I appreciated having such friends around helping make my dreams come true on the best day of my life. "We don't discriminate here," Katherine said. "We will make a jersey for anyone that pays for it."  Katherine and I have this fun banter where she always gives me a hard time, and I always do things that are mildly annoying to her. Its really fun. I'm convinced she enjoys it as much as I do.

I left retail with just my wallet in hand. My bag was back with my supporter friends so I didn't have to take it through security. I walked out the front gates and all my friends appeared just as I arrived.  Daniella and Hillary, from my indoor soccer team were Table subs. We had one person out due to injury, and one out due to a death in the family from my original pitch side crew. Barbara, my co-worker showed up last. I handed everyone their passes, while bragging excessively about how I also had a field pass. I was too excited and it just could not be contained.

We scanned our tickets and walked through the gates. I had everyone grab a program, that I instructed them I had put there myself. I was stupid, and I only grabbed one. This was an error. but its ok.  I took my friends over to the Neuzest tent and tried protein bars with Daniella. I like these for game days, and she liked the idea too.  Then we walked past the food vendors. "We don't need this" I said. "Our food is going to be at our table, my friend Matt carried it into the stadium himself."  Daniella wanted to know if she could get a shirt, so I took them over to merchandise and told Katherine to take good care of my friends, just like she does me,  while I went to get some water first water bottles. "We don't accept requests to treat customers poorly here." she teased me.  I went and grabbed my water bottles laughing the whole way.

One or two of my supporter friends cornered me while we waited in the now very long line for the women's bathroom. Someone asked me about the Utah game trip, and how safe it would be during pride. I had friends everywhere, and my brain was going in a million directions. As we headed down to settle into our table, Kianna, one of the Royal Guard leaders teased me and asked if I would be joining the "commoners" again next game, or if this whole Pitch Side thing was going to become a thing.  I assured her, I would be back with the commoners. 

I was surprised when we were led to our table. It was in the area earlier that day I had deemed "Outer Darkness"  Because it was beyond the regular stadium confines, and didn't have any drink stations next to it. I had wondered how we would get our drinks during the match, since the buckets full of ice and drinks were in the regular seating area of the pitch side zone.  When we found our table though ,the very last of the tables I realized that it was in fact the best table ever. The PERFECT table for me to sit at on this night. And I immediately started to cry, as I tried to eat as much of my food as I could before I had to leave and do my part in the opening ceremonies. 

We were sat AT THE FRICKING CORNER. With no barrier obstructing us. Perfect view of the goal all night long. IF any corners had been taken, they would have been taken right by us. They were not. Sad face. But also it was completely fine. Many a throw in happened maybe a foot away from me. And when you have a table like that, you sure as hell do not sit at it. Oh no. You stand the whole damn game!!  Well, I sat for moments. but we were mostly too excited to sit.  During warm ups a ball rolled over to us, and Daniella wanted to kick it back to them.  I said to her, "I don't think they will let you."  And then it was 5:30 and I had to go meet up to do flag duties.  When I got back 30 mins later I was sent this picture and was told she had made friends with the linesman, and the goal coach was happy to have her kick the ball back.

We now enter the phase of this evening where Mandi thinks shes become Oprah, or Ellen and keeps telling everyone- "You get a dream, and you get a dream, and you get a dream, and I get all the dreams!"  Because that is what it felt like. 

I walked down through the pitch side tables, and showed the guard my field credentials. No one was there to meet us, so I stood next to Susana and watched Kop warm up. Apparently she waved or smiled at us at some point, but I had too much going on in my head at this point and I was afraid I would transmit all that anxious energy to Kop, so I stood there a short moment longer, in Superman pose, because this day had become way bigger than me, and everything I wanted was happening and it was way scarier than I thought to get everything you want.  I did superman pose at least 40 times that night before it was over, just to get through it. 

Finally I noticed one of the interns and Matt off in the corner with the girl scouts. As much as I wanted to stand there and watch Kop warm up, I was just too overstimulated by getting all the things and having the most amazing day and there wasn't room for anything more. So I backed away from the fence and the field and stood up by the players entrance, wrangling girl scouts and watching Kop warm up.   

And then the girls started to cause problems. One of them ran off toward the field and I was sent to grab her.  From that point on my job was to keep the girl scouts where they were supposed to be, and out of trouble. Kop finished up her warm up and her back up hopped in goal, and the girl scouts decided it was a game to get me to chase them around and to where they were supposed to be.  Soon all the players were coming off the field and it was now my job to keep the girls from running into and disturbing the players.  So I started to play games with them. first I did that live long and prosper sign from star trek. I asked who could do it. Everyone could. We then elevated our game from there to all the weird ways people could bend and move their fingers.  Honestly, it was probably the most fun I have ever had. 

The players were off. The field was clear and the ceremonies were about to begin.  Brynn had mentioned to me earlier that day that she had almost chosen  Macklemore's ' Good Old Day's" instead of Glorious for the opening hype song. I told her its good she changed her mind, we didn't need everyone crying before the game started.  It didn't matter, I cried before the game started any way.  The song started, and soon we were marching with a flag out onto a field. The rain had stopped an hour or so earlier, and the girls did good and hit our queues. We didn't mess anything up.  Players were all escorted out onto the field behind us. I could almost see it. The National Anthem started to play and I focused just on holding my corner of a flag.  When it was over, we marched off, folded up the flag, and I walked back to my table. Still crying those happy tears as Glorious played as I walked back to my seat. 

"You know I'm back like I never left. Another sprint, another step. Another day, another breath. Been chasing dreams, but I never slept. I got a new attitude that a lease on life is a peace of mind. I seek and I find, I can sleep when I die, wanna piece of the pie, grab the keys to the ride, and shit I'm straight, I'm on my wave, I'm on my wave. Get out my wake, I'm running late, what can I say?  I heard you die twice, once when they bury you in the grave. And the second time is the last time that somebody mentions your name.  so when I leave here on this earth, did I take more than I gave? Did I look for other people or did I do it all for fame. Legend is exodus, searching for euphoria trudging through the mud to find the present, no ignoring us. Got 20,000 deep off in the streets like we some warriors. My mama told me never bow your head. I feel glorious, glorious. Got a chance to start again. I was born for this, born for this. Its who I am, how could I forget? I made it through the darkest night, and now I see the sunrise. Now I feel glorious, glorious." 

HIgh Hopes- Chapter 5: The Storm

I would say the best way to describe being a Brynion is living game day in a whirlwind.  And June 3, 2018 was no different.  Matt and I were there early so we decided just to walk up to the concourse and help the interns who had already started doing our jobs.  Its their jobs too, but we really like to do it. That's why we volunteer.

They already had all the stanchions out, and were roping off the fan zone line and setting out tables when we got there. Brynn and Santi were still up on that roof and the interns didn't know what to have us do so they sent us over to Brynn.  "No! you cannot climb up the ladder. We don't let the interns climb up the ladder either. Only us. If one of the doors is open you can go out front and tell us if the sign looks straight." Brynn said. None of us wanted to climb up that ladder any way. That one is all yours Brynn.

The doors were locked, however. So that was a little frustrating. Wanting to be helpful and burn off excess nervous energy, Matt and I decided we would run down by the interns, go out the gates by them,  and all the way back to the south entrance and tell Brynn how her sign looked.

"It's alright" I think one of us said, at some point. "By my standards?" Brynn asked us. The answer to that was no. So I got really specific. There was a wrinkle running through on both ends. NOT OK.  First they tried tightening it, but that didn't help. Finally they loosened the right spots and the sign hung perfectly.  "Ok, now run back around here and hold the ladder for us while we get down."

With glee we took off on a foot race we would probably regret the next day when our legs and feet were more sore than they ever should have been. But for a moment, we were sprinting and it was fun.  We reached the ladder out of breath, and saw everyone safely off the roof, before gathering with the interns for instruction.  "Santiago isn't going to be here next game. He will be at the World Cup in Russia" Brynn announced. Everyone was jealous, except me. I was already having the best day ever and I wanted everyone else to have the same. "Do you need a Russian phrase book? I lived in Eastern Europe for two years. I have one if you need it!" I offered.  Poor Santiago was then subjected to me telling him random Russian phrases that may or may not ever be useful for his trip.

We headed down to good ol' locker room three to get the corner flags, sandwhich boards and because it was going to rain, the little bench cover awning things, just to be safe. Last game they didn't put them out to be safe and had to bring it out in the middle of the game, in the middle of a down pour. A logo ended up upside down, which is unacceptable. So that wasn't going to happen again.

I grabbed a bag with one of the covers. its kind of like a tent, polls and all that, and I noticed the largest medicine ball behind me in the locker room that I had ever seen in my life.  And then went out to the field and started to set it up. One of the covers was short a poll. We had to put all four of them up before we found the missing piece.

When that was done we headed over to bring the goals out.  We pick them up and set them on these rickety old carts and scoot them across the field to the spot. put them into place and then pull this chin thing out of the turf and hook it around the back post.

Next it was tarp time For some reason today, it didn't challenge me. At all. I had extra strength or something. I ran up the stairs, I grabbed my chunk of tarp, and alternated helping everyone around me, but I didn't have to set it down on the bleachers in between steps. I just carried it down the whole way.   The field was put together now, and kids and their parents started to arrive and fill the stands and the field as a pre-game clinic began.  At some point around 1 rain started to fall, but it was light and welcome and kept me from getting too hot while we worked.

I love this part of the day. It may be my favorite. but there isn't a lot to share thought wise. We work. We work hard. Its quiet. I think a little but mostly I just work. Its very rewarding.  One of the last tasks I do is carry up match day programs from the locker room entrance to the stadium entrance. I fill the stands with all the programs.  I noticed that McNabb was on the cover, and I have this thought "I wonder if she knows she's on the program this week. I wonder if she has one of these."  and then I thought nothing more about it.

We started moving tables, putting out games, throwing on table clothes. My friend Susana was there now, and I joined her in raising the flags.  The sun was in my eyes, and it was really more challenging than usual. I channeled male gymnasts on a steal rings routine  as I tried to separate and untwist, and keep untwisted the cables that we hook the flags on. It took more strength and effort than usual as the wind picked up. I only had to chase off one wasp this time. I tried to be extra nice to it, so I didn't earn myself any bad karma.  But he really couldn't stay in that flag poll. I warned everyone, before I chased him away, to watch out.  Susana and I talked game predictions as we hoisted the flags. "0-0" I said "or if anything 2-0 Orlando. But I really think its going to be 0-0" Susana didn't think either of those scores were very likely. She wasn't the first. "Kop's going to have a night. I'm telling you. she's gonna have a night"  I re-asserted.  "Ok whatever."  Susana said.

At this point everything was done that needed to be done and we got a half hour break.  So Matt and I ran  up to ticketing and he dropped off extra tickets for will call while I grabbed the pitch side table passes for me and my friends.  Then we headed over to the Armory to get food. We met Matt's friend from Canada and her two dogs on the way, and went to Premier meat pies and grabbed some food.  before we had to rush back.  When we returned it was still raining, kind of. Very lightly.  The clinic was over and it was time to get the small goals off the field and stashed away.  It was difficult work, they kept getting tangled in the trees. When we were done my hands were dirty, and I was glad it was over.

Just as we finished Bev Yanez walked into the stadium  and shouted a hello to me from twenty ish feet away as I stood chatting with my fellow volunteers.  She said something about the headphones post, so I started to walk her way. We had a nice little chat, probably about our dogs, and I have no idea what else. I just know we talked for about three minutes about nothing important. And I will never ever probably get over the fact that Bev Yanez knows who I am, and always seems excited to see me.  But why am I surprised about that? When you spend over an hour sitting around a table sharing your life story and all about your tattoo with another human, as just another human it kind of changes things.

And then suddenly you have a new friend to say hi to while you lift heavy things around a soccer field.  And in that moment, I realized something. I was still really excited to see Kop play again. I still really wanted her to have an amazing night, and a clean sheet.  And I was still really excited to hand her the canvas thing. But if all that went wrong, and didn't happen because the soccer gods are sometimes assholes, it would be ok.  Because this day was already full of friends, and happy memories and good times. I have to say Matt, Brynn and Susana are some of my favorite people and I was so excited just that it was June 3rd and all the things were happening, that I extra loved being around them, and Santiago, and the interns.  And Bev showing up and being her sunshiny self already made this the perfect day, and it wasn't even 5 pm yet.

Food showed up for the pitch side tables, and I really wanted to carry my own, but I ended up just grabbing two bags of whoevers and taking them to the station. My bag of food for my table was the very very last one to come over, and my good friend Matt carried it for me.  And that made it more special.  Dinner from a friend.

We had 30 mins, and one more thing to do before I left my volunteer duties and went to meet my friends and be extra at my fancy pitch side table, which I now knew was going to be near a goal. I must say I was extremely excited about that. I may have started to happy cry again. 

Brynn had girl scouts bringing out the NWSL and Reign flags tonight. Which meant she needed all of her volunteers to be the adults holding up the back corners of the flag. I was extremely excited to get to have flag duty for this game, and for the second week in a row. Its a lot of fun. I was less freaked out this time, and more prepared- I did not wear a hat while I worked. My hair was still perfect despite the rain.  

I got a little frustrated during rehearsal. With the young girls in front it I had to learn to let go of a few things. For one, they kept dragging it on the ground and not lifting it high enough. so it was wet and covered in turf. I tried to get them to follow the 30/35 yard lines. But walking in a straight line was also more difficult than I thought.  by the end of our second of three rehearsals, I let go of my perfectionism, and just enjoyed carrying the flag.  

When it ended we got times to be back on the field. And for the first time ever, we got field passes, not just our volunteer bands. And I cried about it. Happy cried. So hard. I was official, and this was my freaking day!  

High Hopes- Chapter 4: Pulse

June 3, 2018  Memorial Stadium

11:45 PM- The music in my headphones never stopped playing, but as I walked through the players tunnel, and turned to take this selfie with the empty stadium surrounding me I can almost swear that moment had to have been silent. 

This was me happy crying for the perhaps millionth time this week. Any time I thought about this day, it would hit me because I knew this day was going to be full of meaning and big moments and I knew I would help create them by putting down my armor long enough to not just dream, but work them into reality.  I cried in this moment because I stepped foot into the stadium prepared to bring the magic.

I was gifted with about 15 minutes of time to sit around and wait for Matt who was stuck in traffic. I thought we were supposed to start our volunteer time at noon, but Brynn had moved the time back an hour because this year we have been working so fast getting things ready.  From this spot on the field I looked up and saw Brynn on the roof of the entry gates. I waved, she waved back and then I moved over to the supporters section to drop my bags, and I headed back to the players entrance.  Katherine from Retail, who started as a volunteer the very same day I did two seasons before, came bursting out of the tunnels in a hurry. 

"Katherine! give me a high five!" I shouted after her. Already feeling excitement about the coming day building inside me.  "I can't I'm running late" She said and gave me a long distance air high five before she ran up the stairs and disappeared again.  Matt took a while to get there, and when he had arrived I could see why. He was loaded down with his usual massive backpack full of Tifos, and and additional bag full of painted canvas, carmel corn, and doughnuts.  

We walked back over to the supporters section and I pulled the headphones out of my left ear so I could hear and communicate with him properly. I hesitated a small moment as I thought how to ask. "Hey Matt, where to you hand these things out?"  "Over in the fan zone."  "Can I help you hand them out tonight?" I asked  He said sure. "Can I give Haley Kopmeyer her's?" He said yes, except the treats. I could hand out the canvas. I thought that was for the best. I was picturing myself being clumsy and dropping carmel corn everywhere. I didn't want that. No one would want that. I can handle a canvas. That's all I wanted.  And the hardest part of the day was now over. 

We walked up to the top rail of the stands and started to tape on Tifos. I'm still learning, so we had to make a few adjustments along the way, but we got it done pretty quickly. "So, Matt, what did you want to talk to me about with the Hinkle situation and religion?" I asked.  He knew I came from a religious back ground and asked my thoughts on the situation in regards to our next game and some things some of the supporters were wanting to do.  It was a very good, but very private discussion. So I'm going to leave that in the stands.  But it ended, of course with him having me listen to a song.  This summarizes our conclusion.   

"So you say this is human ,Your heartbeat versus mine. Im in chains cause I'm choosing showing love or living life. I shouldn't have to leave where I stand. I shouldn't have to change who I am

To count as a human . Feel my pulse,With your hand on my heart You know it beats just as hard as yours. Feel my pulse.Feel my pulse. Can't you see that Im scarred,I'm just the same as you are so just feel my pulse. I wish I could reach them and strip away what separates. It's the same air we're breathing. The same tears run down our face, so I don't have to leave where I stand and I don't have to change who I am to count as a human. Feel my pulse with your hand on my heart you know it beats just as hard as yours. Feel my pulse ,feel my pulse .Can't you see that Im scarred. I'm just the same as you are so just feel my pulse"

Currently, if you look at my profile picture, I decided to use the "Pulse" pride frame for Pride month. This moment is why. This is what its about. When Matt and I left that spot to go meet Brynn and the other Brynions it felt a bit like leaving extra sacred ground leaving that moment behind.

High Hopes- Chapter 3: Meditation

June 3, 2018
10:31 AM Seattle Center

After slowly meandering through the sculpture park, connecting to the world and beauty around me, I made my way up a big Seattle hill toward the Spaceneedle.  I was very much in my music, and being amused by the world around me.  Two women passed me on a trail and asked if I would take their picture for them. I had an hour and a half of time to kill, and was happy to do it. It made me smile as they posed with their dog.

I stepped toward the Spaceneedle and the whine of bagpipes started to play in my ear.  In my head I filled in the words to this instrumental version.  "Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Took the midnight train going anywhere. Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train going anywhere... Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard. Their shadows searching in the night. Streetlights, people, living just to find emotion. Hiding somewhere in the night... some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues... Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling. Street lights, people ohhhhh."  The Red Hot Chili PIPERS are one of the best bag rock bands ever. Bagpipes make me feel inspired. I love this song, and I started to walk around city center like I love this song, because I do.

I wondered into the Armory, but I wasn't hungry, and no food places were open yet  It was Filipino culture day, so I noticed the booths being set up as I walked toward the bathrooms. It was pretty empty, which is an extremely rare thing to find, the women's room with NO LINE!!!! I was in and out and headed out toward the fountain where I planned to spend the next 45 mins just sitting, and meditating.

I noticed a Susan Colman 5K had just ended. The fountain was full of event crews and lingering walk/runners in pink shirts. My intention had been to do superman pose here, but I felt a little intimidated by intruding on the end of an event.  I quietly sat down, continuing to listen to my music and just be aware of my surroundings, and the people.  There were some seagulls chilling out near me and I couldn't help but think of the day's previous twitter interaction where I announced to my fellow Reign supporters friends that I was actually intending to betray them, and possibly root for a victory for the Pride... unless...

And that was when this guy here just walked right up beside me and stood there. 

Seagulls are a frequent part of Reign games at Memorial Stadium. So much so, that its a bit of a joke in the league and among fans. There is even an account "Seagultras" on twitter representing the supporter Seagulls of Memorial Stadium. This guy was there for over 5 mins, he may actually be the Seagultras. It was a first time I had a bird that size sitting that close to me and I didn't feel intimidated by it. I felt like we were buddies, and he was here to tell me... Cheer for that 0-0 draw. Watch for it! its going to happen.

By 11:15 the crews and the runners had cleared out. Some very nice girls with the race came up and offered me all the leftover string cheese I wanted. I knew I would be hungry later, so I took two and left the rest for someone else to feel like they had lucked out for the day. 

At 10:50 I looked around and only spotted small families and children playing in the fountain. I wanted to do superman pose now, but I also didn't want people to think I was weird. But this was going to be, was preparing to be the most epic day of my life. You don't go into such days without doing Superman pose. You just don't.  I hesitated for a bit. Then I set up my phone for a selfie with the fountain as my backdrop. If this thing is going to work, its going to work right now with all these people I don't know staring at me like I'm strange.  I thought.  and then I stood. I hit the button on my phone to trigger the timer. I had 10 seconds.  I found my footing, wide stance. I stuck my hands on my hips, shoulders back, head held high.  Eyes closed. 

I stood there long after it stopped taking pictures. Testing my confidence. I stood for about two minutes. Headphones in, and feeling a little awkward I pushed myself to make it to the end of the song.  When it ended, I took a deep breath and felt a lot bolder.  I picked up my Gryffindor backpack and slung it over my shoulders, grabbed my phone and started my walk around the boundaries of the stadium. I Started doing this on game day a few games ago so that I can feel connected to the stadium and the people before I go in and get to work.  I made it just past the grounds crew back entrance to the Stadium, and past to the white awnings outside McCaw Hall when Rachel Platen sang me a message back from the universe. 

"If I could break away half of all your pain, I'd take the worst of it and carry you, like you carry me.  You say that you're alright when tears are in your eyes. We're strong enough for this and I need you. It's ok that you need me too. So put your armor on the ground tonight. Cause everyone's got to come down sometimes. You don't have to be Superman. You don't have to be SuperMand. You don't have to hold the world in your hands, you've already shown me that you can. You don't have to be Superman."  

I felt like the next lines were my reply. To Memorial, to the players, to Haley Kopmeyer and everyone I had put so much pressure on to make this day amazing, for me. And for Kop, even though I knew I had no control over that beyond a wish for it to be an extraordinary day for her too. 

" I know I've been gone too much. We talk about me too much. I'm selfish and distracted. But I'm here. I'm here and I'm listening. And its just you and me and these four walls. And we are only human after all. You don't have to be Superman. You don't have to be Superman. You don't have to hold the world in your hands. You've already shown me that you can." 

And to my team, to the disappointment I felt, the anger  from the off season this seemed me offering fitting forgiveness.  "You don't have to be Superman.  Rest your eye's now, take my hand. Even hero's fall down now and then. You can let it go.  You don't have to be Superman." 

Yes. I had a moment. With the Stadium. With our common history. The song ended as I neared the Player's entrance, also my entrance on days like this. I still had over a half hour to go. I hit play on that song one more time so that I could complete my lap around the entire stadium. I walked past the gates, where the fans enter. Homeless people were still sleeping,  the stadium was still sleeping. Nothing was prepared yet, because me and my friends hadn't prepared it.  

I reached the play ground area on the south side of the stadium, and I wondered off course and way to the play ground for just a second.  Here, I remembered, were some of my dreams of the past that had died along the way. Brandi had proposed to me once, before a Reign game. Not here, but after we had taken her daughter to play here. At one part in my history with the Reign I was planning to be a wife, and a step mom. It was a bit weird to stand there and realize that was the thing I had once really wanted. That was my dream once and it ended. And I was fine that it ended. I'm not sure if that dream was ever what I really wanted. But it probably was what who I was then wanted, and sitting here with the past and remembering it felt right, felt peaceful. 

I wondered away from playground and back to the south side of the Stadium.  Its a little strange, I think, but a friend told me a story once about her and her roommate walking along this particular piece of ground. Carson Pickett and Haley Kopmeyer were walking near them and they over heard them laughing at a story. Something about Naho and a snake.  I wasn't there but ever since my friend told me this story, I always image this interaction and wonder with my friend... what happened with Naho and the snake? Do they even remember this story?  It's not my memory, its my friends, but I borrow it and just ask it in the spot. No answer will probably ever come. But that was one of those moments that just happen, that someone just gets to be a part of. Those are the moments I treasure most at Memorial Stadium.  

In no time I am back by the fountain, and I still have fifteen minutes until Matt arrives and we can start putting up the Tifos in the supporters section, so I decide to take a second lap around the stadium and this time my meditation comes to and end with a recognition and a nod to my less that perfectly happy and loving feelings that are connected to this day. Without feeling angry, or hateful I let the song play out, and the feelings exist as they were. 

As I walked again toward the player entrance from the north side, I strutted along as Katie Perry sang it out. 

"They don't know what is what , but they don't know what is what they just strut. What the fuck? A tiger, don't lose no sleep. Don't need opinions from a shelfish or a sheep. Don't you come for me. No not today. You're calculated, I got your number. 'Cause you're a joker and I'm a courtside killer queen, and you will kiss the ring. You best believe. So keep calm honey I'ma stick around for more than a minute, get used to it. 'Cause I stay winnin' Lay 'em up like  swish swish bish. Another one in the basket. Can't touch this.  Another one in the casket.  Your game is tired. You should retire. You're 'bout as cute as an old coupon expired. And Karma's not a liar. She keeps receipts... Yeah all that fake love you showin' couldn't even disguise you... damn man this bitch is a stan... they never thought the swish god would take it this far... but they don't know what is what, they just strut. What the? 

I may or may not have said numerous times since February that I felt Karma owed Haley Kopmeyer a clean sheet and a start in Memorial Stadium. Jill Ellis pissed off millions of women's soccer fans and called the USWNT up early for camps, which is why Kop got to start in the first place. So I don't feel like I was wrong. There were a lot of "Coincidences" that made this day everything I demanded it to be. Its bigger than me and my demands. And in this moment of this lap around the stadium, I felt reassured things were going to happen, Kop was going to have quite a night in goal.  I like to call this end to my peaceful meditation a moment of righteous indignation.