High Hopes- Chapter 3: Meditation

June 3, 2018
10:31 AM Seattle Center

After slowly meandering through the sculpture park, connecting to the world and beauty around me, I made my way up a big Seattle hill toward the Spaceneedle.  I was very much in my music, and being amused by the world around me.  Two women passed me on a trail and asked if I would take their picture for them. I had an hour and a half of time to kill, and was happy to do it. It made me smile as they posed with their dog.

I stepped toward the Spaceneedle and the whine of bagpipes started to play in my ear.  In my head I filled in the words to this instrumental version.  "Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Took the midnight train going anywhere. Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train going anywhere... Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard. Their shadows searching in the night. Streetlights, people, living just to find emotion. Hiding somewhere in the night... some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues... Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling. Street lights, people ohhhhh."  The Red Hot Chili PIPERS are one of the best bag rock bands ever. Bagpipes make me feel inspired. I love this song, and I started to walk around city center like I love this song, because I do.

I wondered into the Armory, but I wasn't hungry, and no food places were open yet  It was Filipino culture day, so I noticed the booths being set up as I walked toward the bathrooms. It was pretty empty, which is an extremely rare thing to find, the women's room with NO LINE!!!! I was in and out and headed out toward the fountain where I planned to spend the next 45 mins just sitting, and meditating.

I noticed a Susan Colman 5K had just ended. The fountain was full of event crews and lingering walk/runners in pink shirts. My intention had been to do superman pose here, but I felt a little intimidated by intruding on the end of an event.  I quietly sat down, continuing to listen to my music and just be aware of my surroundings, and the people.  There were some seagulls chilling out near me and I couldn't help but think of the day's previous twitter interaction where I announced to my fellow Reign supporters friends that I was actually intending to betray them, and possibly root for a victory for the Pride... unless...

And that was when this guy here just walked right up beside me and stood there. 

Seagulls are a frequent part of Reign games at Memorial Stadium. So much so, that its a bit of a joke in the league and among fans. There is even an account "Seagultras" on twitter representing the supporter Seagulls of Memorial Stadium. This guy was there for over 5 mins, he may actually be the Seagultras. It was a first time I had a bird that size sitting that close to me and I didn't feel intimidated by it. I felt like we were buddies, and he was here to tell me... Cheer for that 0-0 draw. Watch for it! its going to happen.

By 11:15 the crews and the runners had cleared out. Some very nice girls with the race came up and offered me all the leftover string cheese I wanted. I knew I would be hungry later, so I took two and left the rest for someone else to feel like they had lucked out for the day. 

At 10:50 I looked around and only spotted small families and children playing in the fountain. I wanted to do superman pose now, but I also didn't want people to think I was weird. But this was going to be, was preparing to be the most epic day of my life. You don't go into such days without doing Superman pose. You just don't.  I hesitated for a bit. Then I set up my phone for a selfie with the fountain as my backdrop. If this thing is going to work, its going to work right now with all these people I don't know staring at me like I'm strange.  I thought.  and then I stood. I hit the button on my phone to trigger the timer. I had 10 seconds.  I found my footing, wide stance. I stuck my hands on my hips, shoulders back, head held high.  Eyes closed. 

I stood there long after it stopped taking pictures. Testing my confidence. I stood for about two minutes. Headphones in, and feeling a little awkward I pushed myself to make it to the end of the song.  When it ended, I took a deep breath and felt a lot bolder.  I picked up my Gryffindor backpack and slung it over my shoulders, grabbed my phone and started my walk around the boundaries of the stadium. I Started doing this on game day a few games ago so that I can feel connected to the stadium and the people before I go in and get to work.  I made it just past the grounds crew back entrance to the Stadium, and past to the white awnings outside McCaw Hall when Rachel Platen sang me a message back from the universe. 

"If I could break away half of all your pain, I'd take the worst of it and carry you, like you carry me.  You say that you're alright when tears are in your eyes. We're strong enough for this and I need you. It's ok that you need me too. So put your armor on the ground tonight. Cause everyone's got to come down sometimes. You don't have to be Superman. You don't have to be SuperMand. You don't have to hold the world in your hands, you've already shown me that you can. You don't have to be Superman."  

I felt like the next lines were my reply. To Memorial, to the players, to Haley Kopmeyer and everyone I had put so much pressure on to make this day amazing, for me. And for Kop, even though I knew I had no control over that beyond a wish for it to be an extraordinary day for her too. 

" I know I've been gone too much. We talk about me too much. I'm selfish and distracted. But I'm here. I'm here and I'm listening. And its just you and me and these four walls. And we are only human after all. You don't have to be Superman. You don't have to be Superman. You don't have to hold the world in your hands. You've already shown me that you can." 

And to my team, to the disappointment I felt, the anger  from the off season this seemed me offering fitting forgiveness.  "You don't have to be Superman.  Rest your eye's now, take my hand. Even hero's fall down now and then. You can let it go.  You don't have to be Superman." 

Yes. I had a moment. With the Stadium. With our common history. The song ended as I neared the Player's entrance, also my entrance on days like this. I still had over a half hour to go. I hit play on that song one more time so that I could complete my lap around the entire stadium. I walked past the gates, where the fans enter. Homeless people were still sleeping,  the stadium was still sleeping. Nothing was prepared yet, because me and my friends hadn't prepared it.  

I reached the play ground area on the south side of the stadium, and I wondered off course and way to the play ground for just a second.  Here, I remembered, were some of my dreams of the past that had died along the way. Brandi had proposed to me once, before a Reign game. Not here, but after we had taken her daughter to play here. At one part in my history with the Reign I was planning to be a wife, and a step mom. It was a bit weird to stand there and realize that was the thing I had once really wanted. That was my dream once and it ended. And I was fine that it ended. I'm not sure if that dream was ever what I really wanted. But it probably was what who I was then wanted, and sitting here with the past and remembering it felt right, felt peaceful. 

I wondered away from playground and back to the south side of the Stadium.  Its a little strange, I think, but a friend told me a story once about her and her roommate walking along this particular piece of ground. Carson Pickett and Haley Kopmeyer were walking near them and they over heard them laughing at a story. Something about Naho and a snake.  I wasn't there but ever since my friend told me this story, I always image this interaction and wonder with my friend... what happened with Naho and the snake? Do they even remember this story?  It's not my memory, its my friends, but I borrow it and just ask it in the spot. No answer will probably ever come. But that was one of those moments that just happen, that someone just gets to be a part of. Those are the moments I treasure most at Memorial Stadium.  

In no time I am back by the fountain, and I still have fifteen minutes until Matt arrives and we can start putting up the Tifos in the supporters section, so I decide to take a second lap around the stadium and this time my meditation comes to and end with a recognition and a nod to my less that perfectly happy and loving feelings that are connected to this day. Without feeling angry, or hateful I let the song play out, and the feelings exist as they were. 

As I walked again toward the player entrance from the north side, I strutted along as Katie Perry sang it out. 

"They don't know what is what , but they don't know what is what they just strut. What the fuck? A tiger, don't lose no sleep. Don't need opinions from a shelfish or a sheep. Don't you come for me. No not today. You're calculated, I got your number. 'Cause you're a joker and I'm a courtside killer queen, and you will kiss the ring. You best believe. So keep calm honey I'ma stick around for more than a minute, get used to it. 'Cause I stay winnin' Lay 'em up like  swish swish bish. Another one in the basket. Can't touch this.  Another one in the casket.  Your game is tired. You should retire. You're 'bout as cute as an old coupon expired. And Karma's not a liar. She keeps receipts... Yeah all that fake love you showin' couldn't even disguise you... damn man this bitch is a stan... they never thought the swish god would take it this far... but they don't know what is what, they just strut. What the? 

I may or may not have said numerous times since February that I felt Karma owed Haley Kopmeyer a clean sheet and a start in Memorial Stadium. Jill Ellis pissed off millions of women's soccer fans and called the USWNT up early for camps, which is why Kop got to start in the first place. So I don't feel like I was wrong. There were a lot of "Coincidences" that made this day everything I demanded it to be. Its bigger than me and my demands. And in this moment of this lap around the stadium, I felt reassured things were going to happen, Kop was going to have quite a night in goal.  I like to call this end to my peaceful meditation a moment of righteous indignation.