"I live beneath posters, in the hopes of better knowing everything of you. I've gone to so many concerts dreaming to see the appearance of Marie Lou. I've written letters to France, alone and in silence. If my message wasn't clear, I only wanted simply to say... If I exist, I exist to be a fan. to be a fan. If I exist, in my life its to be a fan, Without rest, day or night. Who can say it? I love you, therefore I am. I have stayed in countless hotels waiting for a signature or gesture from you. I've taken boats, long journeys by train just to see you. To put a name on a face, from behind a window or a fence. Something to remember, to understand before you disappear that if I exist, I exist to be a fan. If I exist, in my life, its to be a fan. Without rest day or night. Who can say, I love you therefore I am. Who can say that they exist, that they'll cling for life? If I exist, I exist to be a fan. If I exist In my life, its to be a fan... Who can say for life... I am a fan."
This song translates far more creepily to English that I believe the original French intends. so watch the music video because I think It will give a better sense of its meaning. Perhaps the fact that the fun of this doesn't translate well is why I don't like to be called a fan. But be it known, I'm not a fan of being called fan, or super fan. Unless its in the chant my co-worker Barb made up for me. I'm just happy to have a chant. If you want to come to my indoor soccer games and sing it for me, I'm sure I will play better. "Manda-lay-eh super fan! Manda-lay-eh SUPER FAN!" This is the only time you may call me that. The rest of the time, you may call me supporter, or Ambassador. I was given the title of Ambassador, unofficially, by Brynn. It is the correct word to describe me when it comes to Women's soccer, or sports in general, about 90% of the time.
But when it comes to Haley Kopmeyer, I think I'm going to have to finally own... Je Suis Fan. I'm a fan. And there is no shame in that. Perhaps that was the lesson I learned. Within appropriate boundaries- I have to emphasis, because I am big on boundaries and some "fans" cross them and make me not want to claim that title- there is no shame in being a fan. This song to me, is about the passion and the joy of fandom.
I am perhaps too self-aware. So often, when I like something or someone, I don't just enjoy the fact that there are things in this life that bring me joy. I ask myself why? Why do I like that? why do I care about that person? In 30+ years of asking that question, I have yet to find an answer, except maybe on this night I did... Because its a very beautiful human thing that we do.
As we gathered our things from around our table that nigh, Vanya took off with his camera to get his post game shots, and we waited, hoping he could bring Jodie Taylor back to us. Kop was already too far gone. She shot off to the Orlando supporters the moment the match was done. We didn't even think to ask for the Japanese for Barbara. As we waited I sat nervously watching Matt. We weren't taking the bag of goodies to our former players until after the awarding for the supporters "player of the match" had been awarded.
Minutes ticked on, and then I saw Kristen Dallstream approaching. "Oh no F-ing way! You are kidding me!" I exclaimed. "Holy shit! On this night of all nights, Matt gets to give Dave (her nickname) player of the match? Oh I am magical. EVERYONE GETS THEIR DREAM! EVERYONE!!!"
Yes, that is me in the background. That face I am making is me actually crying. Or trying not to. Matt is a Dallstream fan. He's the kind of fan that I strive to emulate. The kind that supports and gives back and treats the players as actual humans. And for me to watch him be able to give Kirsten Dallstream the "Reign Maker" award, on my day! There really were no words for this.
I looked down at my table, where my friends still were, and saw this...
Kristen McNabb and Lu Barnes were now over by the supporters. "Did you see this?" Lu asked McNabb, "You're on the cover" Lu explained about the Matchday programs. Kristen had no idea. "Would you like a copy?" I asked, reaching into my bag and giving away my only one. Tonight had been about me, but in the course of all my dreams coming true, it became about sharing that joy as much as possible with everyone else.
Bev Yanez approached. "Oh! Bev!!! I finally bought your jersey. Can you sign it for me?" I asked, knowing she would. She smiled as I explained that I usually don't have people sign brand new jerseys. "Once you sign it, I can't wear it." I said. "But someone told me I could scotch guard it, and still wear it." Bev had an answer for that. "Oh no! You can still wear it. I tell my family all the time, wear it until it fades, and then I will sign it again." "I guess that's true. I do see you around a lot, so that shouldn't be a problem." I replied. I went home and scotch guarded it. This was a mistake. Don't ever do that. I'm going to have to take Bev up on her re-signing offer next game. At least I know I can.
It was as Yanez left that Matt informed me Kop had already gone to the locker rooms. I had missed my shot. I was sad, but tried to pretend it was fine because everything else had gone so well today, and so many other people had got their moments, and it was amazing and totally worth it to see. Besides, it wasn't like I had never met Haley Kopmeyer before. How would this time have been any better or different? So I was "fine."
"Take the goodie bag and run over to the fan zone and try to catch Meatball (Nairn) before she goes in the locker room too!" Matt said, after I asked him if there was nothing Brynn could do about us missing Kop. Nothing. Brynn's powers are limited to our own team, not the visiting ones. I grabbed the bag, now on a mission and ran toward the fan zone. With all my extra badges and passes I easily made it without having to go up and down any stairs. That saved me five minutes. But it wasn't enough. I reached the visiting end of the fan zone and saw Nairn say goodbye to one of her former teammates and good friends and then walk into the tunnel and out of my reach, despite my yelling out her name like a lunatic trying to get her attention.
I don't like to fail. When I found out Hermione Granger's boggert was failing, I was like... yup. I am her, that's my thing I'm afraid of. It's not any more, there is a much bigger thing. Succeeding beyond my wildest dreams, that I think has become my new boggart, but I will explain more on that later. Back to this moment, where I was standing hopelessly in the fan zone with a bag of donuts, carmel corns, and painted canvases having completely failed to give them to 2/3 players.
In that moment to my great relief I saw the third player, Carson Pickett, signing autographs. "Carson. I have donuts and a thing for you from the supporters group. and For Kop and Nairn. Don't leave without it. I will be down there and give it to you when you are done signing." I said relieved. She heard donuts and I'm pretty sure that's it. "You guys brought me donuts!" this was on Instagram after the game, just so you know...
Carson Pickett had a good night too. EVERYONE WINS!!! EVERYONE GETS A DREAM!!!
A few moments later Matt and Mark were at my side. "I'm sorry. I tried and Nairn got away. But I told Pickett, so she knows and we can give them all to her." I told Matt. "Kop's back." He replied. "What? She's back? You're kidding me!" You guessed it, I nearly cried and my smile probably just about broke my face.
Its hard to even write about the next moment. It meant so much to me and you know damn well I've been asking myself why for the past week with no answer to be found, other than it did, and it does. I would not have been "fine" without it. And with it... as my friend Toni said, I'm dead.
Surprisingly though, in the moment I didn't died. I didn't cry. I didn't lose my shit. I was possibly the most chill I have ever been, and I have NO chill. Haley Kopmeyer approached us, and was surprised and happy to hear we had stuff for her. Everyone expressed how much we miss her and will welcome her back any time. I handed her her canvas.
Mark spoke for the group "We're sorry we couldn't cheer for you" He explained. She started to say "understandable." As I broke in. "Hold up there Mark. SOME of you didn't cheer for her." and We were right back to our twitter banter. But I couldn't not let it be known where I stood. You don't cheer against the crowd and then pretend it didn't happen. You own that shit, especially if the reason you cheered against that crowd is standing before you.
I don't remember much of what was said, or done to be honest. I know we all chatted for a bit and it was just a happy, relaxed, genuine human to human interaction and conversation. I know there were fist bumps for us all. And I know at some point I asked if I could grab a selfie, and then asked for 30 seconds, because we had to do this right. When I pulled my Orlando scarf out of my bag and put it on, that elicited a pretty big smile out of Kop. And I know I asked her to sign my jersey, which I was wearing. And she did, right between my shoulder blades. It didn't sign well, you can barely see it. But I know its there, so that's all that matters right? As with all of these, I think pictures do the moment more justice than words can so...
Eventually she did have to leave us and move on, but the moment seemed to be frozen in time and lasted far longer than I ever expected. Or at least felt like it. Time is weird and its hard to tell. When she left, I have to admit I didn't really know what to do next. I didn't know if I should just leave now and go home, or what to do. I didn't quite know how to process it, and I didn't want my memory to ruin the actual moment. I was terrified of that.
My table crew showed up just then and the Japanese players were coming, so I had Barbara take my spot at the fence and wait for them. EVERYONE got a dream that night. And I got a million of them. Not to forget Hillary, she even got one. As soon as Barb had her signatures we finally left the stadium.
Three of us needed to head to the ferry, and we didn't have a lot of time, or good odds of making the 9:05 PM sailing. If we missed it, it would be an hour and a half wait. We decided to skip the monorail, and walk down through the sculpture park. By walk, I mean sprint until we got tired and then walk until we recovered and could sprint again.
We were all sore, tired, and some of us improperly shod. We had one creepy run in with a guy on a bike ringing a bell and chasing us down the street. This was just more motivation for our sprint. It was in fact, my day. And there was no part of it that did not go our way. As The Doctor once said on Doctor Who "Oh come on! Give me a day like this. Give me just one. Everybody lives! Just this once. EVERYBODY LIVES!"
The ferry was late. We made it with time to spare. I felt so much joy, so much happiness. I had made myself more vulnerable than I had ever done in my life, for a whole day. I let myself want what I want, I let myself be completely me. I felt what I felt, and it was all big, and it took a lot to open up and just feel it, and risk it.
I drove Daniella home that night, 30 mins away because I new I needed the time to process, wind-down, decompress. I also knew this day had taken every ounce of energy I had. I had constant battles with shame, and I won them. I had the most amazing day ever. I never want to forget that days like this are possible. And I knew that now I had had one such day, I was going to have to live life like this, going after my dreams and desires, and helping other people do the same.
And it scared me a bit, because it doesn't come without a price, without effort, without thought. And it also scared me because I thought to myself, What now? What next? You just had a perfect day. How do you even compete with this for the rest of your life?
I have seen and done amazing things in my life. Probably things that on paper look far more amazing than this day. But I have never been so honest with myself about what I wanted, and how I would feel if it didn't happen. And that, I think, is what made it happening mean so much.
"When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it'll never end. But however hard you try, you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies, and nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it. Everybody knows that everybody dies. But not every day. Not today. Some days are special. Some days are so, so blessed. Some days, nobody dies at all. Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million days, when the wind stands fair, and the Doctor comes to call... everybody lives."
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