Oh what a day its been. I have never cried so much. I am not sure I can even really begin to explain, but you know I am going to try.
I went to bed last night at 1:30 in the morning, because after a week of starting to get a little off balance again, I needed a girls night, and I needed to talk to my best friend about all the junk in my head I had been running away from and not dealing with.
At 6:30 this morning, I woke up, threw on some work out wear, grabbed my skate bag, and headed to the rink for my first skating lesson since like April. It was good. It was hard work. It was crazy fun. I was slightly sore after, but I have the most amazingly awesome Finnish woman for a coach, and when I don't put the correct arm in front, she tells me in Finnish, and some how I understand that better. I worked on stroking and 3 turns. It was basic, it was small, but some how this progressing slowly and rebuilding all my skating almost from scratch is making me a better, more patient and controlled skater, and I think, as painful and slow as this year has been, its a good thing.
After skating I ran to the store and made some thanks giving preparations, mainly cooking down pumpkin to make my pumpkin pie and soup. I had about three hours to eat lunch, do some reading and work on my work book pages I had been avoiding all week before it was time to head off to my counseling session with Josh Weed Who is an Amazing person and and excellent counselor. I would encourage everyone to read his blog, especially his unicorn club post, but they are all great. Traffic was HORRENDOUS both going to and coming back from Auburn, so I was late, and it took me an extra half hour to get home.
Result: After a very emotional session of dealing with everything I had ran away from all week, I drove straight home and had a total of FIVE minutes to take my dog out to pee and then run jump in my friend Dan's car to go to the Forgotten Carols in Seattle. Result: I was pretty primed for an emotional cry baby night.
Dan and I stopped at Faddo's for dinner, because its my favorite and it was pretty close to Benaroya Hall where the show was. mmmm tasty Irish food and champions league soccer / football. nice. we ate so much we had to practically roll ourselves up the steep Seattle hills. When we got to BH, I had to pee, because I drank three glasses of water in the hour we were at Faddos. This is a common theme for me this week. Any way, Dan had handed me my ticket and we were going to meet at our seats. He bought my ticket as a Christmas present, best present ever. I approached an usher for direction, and she told me it was right toward the front. When I realized how close to the front, I NEARLY DIED. we were on the second row they were using for people, four rows back from the stage. I have never sat that close ever in my life. ever. ever!!!
I almost started crying then and there. It was clear that I was doomed. The lights dimmed and with the first flute note tears came streaming down my face, and have continued ever sense. I felt so much there tonight, so much I haven't felt in a long time, so much I have never felt because I wouldn't allow myself to. My first feeling was how much my mom loves the forgotten carols, and my memories of Christmases past watching with her, or listening to the CD constantly while cleaning the house. I love my mom. By the end of the show, I really just wanted my mom there to give her a big hug. At intermission I went and bought the second to last one they had of a very special Christmas tree Ornament to give to her. I will talk more about this later. As the show played on I loved the songs as much if not more than ever, the power of the words and the melody captivated my soul.
But this was an experience for me like never before. I have gone to this show before, but this is the first time I have every understood Constance. I was there with her every moment in shared pain, and shared joy. When the part about her not being able to have children came up, and the song "Mary let me hold her baby" I thought of how blessed I was to have friends with kids that let me, every now and then, get to have little mini mommy moments, even though I'm not really their mom, I like when I get to have some kind of experience like that and help my friends out. I am also now incredibly grateful for my new call to the primary. I finally have reached the point in my life where I really would like the experience of being a mom. and I really related to the character in that moment. There were many other things like this that happened for me. I cried the whole time.
What got me was in the end. I knew this was coming, but singing together "We can be together forever someday". That song always reminds me of my French sister Laeitita. She was our foreign exchange student for three years. I stayed with her family for one summer too. I remember the last time we took Laetitia to the airport, I sang her that song, and she nearly hit me and then she started crying, and my dad yelled at me to stop because I was upsetting her. And I yelled back that I was just trying to express how I felt the only way I knew how. I still miss my friend Laetitia.
I grabbed some quick signatures from the cast. One of the senior couples in my mission knew one of the lead actress and that is the whole reason I ended up going tonight. It was a Thanksgiving miracle and the best Thanksgiving eve ever. I had to meet our common friend. And I told Michael McLean about how I once skating to one of the songs from the forgotten carols for my personal progress project, or something. I wish I still had that video. Any way, then we headed out into the cold down to the ferry.
On the way in to Seattle as I walked through the pedestrian bridge/homeless camp, I saw someones bed. I was so cold and all I could think of is how hard that would be, and that I was really glad I was not homeless. On the way back my heart was full, and so were my eyes - of tears- and my head was full of song. As we approached the homeless area of the bridge one of the Forgotten Carols popped into my head : "Homeless, Homeless, like the Christ child was, we are not homeless, homeless.. for in his love there is a home." and I wanted to do something, anything to share the love I felt at that moment.
AND THEN I SAW HIM.... the homeless man that has been apart of my life since I moved here over four years ago. Almost daily this man sweeps the bridge, clearing leaves and debris and helping so it doesn't flood in the rain, and it isn't dirty and gross. When he is away from this spot, when he isn't there to sweep, it backs up and we have to cross a lake to get to work, and then my feet are cold and wet all day and I am sad. Every time I see this man, I think of the great service he does to all of us, and he does it just so that its clean. I saw him, and I heard the song. I thought about the goodies in my bag I had bought. I really couldn't see him having a way to play a CD, so I reached in and gave him the one thing that I could, the one thing that seemed to symbolize everything he stood for to me, the Christmas tree ornament.
Tears filled my eyes, and my voice cracked as I just handed him the little white box and said " thank you so much for always sweeping this bridge, it means so much to me. here is a special Christmas ornament" I don't know, what use that will be for him, or if it will mean anything to him at all. But for weeks I have wanted to thank him, to do something. That is all I could think to do, and so I did it, and then I walked away crying, and texted my mom that her Christmas present went to a homeless guy. Merry Christmas Mom. Then I cried in the ferry terminal. Then I got on the ferry and cried some more. then I got on facebook and wrote about it and cried some more. Then my friends told me I should write a song about it, so I did, but Facebook wouldn't let me post, and it was lost. So, I will try again.
Water, water every where, but mostly in my eyes, here upon the ferry, riding at even tide.
Water, water every where, he cleaned every day, so I could walk freely without water in my way.
In the dark of the night, as the wind screams and howls my heart is full of light and love and truth the more somehow. I'm crying on the ferry, I'm crying in the town. My heart is full, I have such joy, my tears are warmth somehow.
I wanted to end with a thought or two more. the two women that encouraged me to make up a song about crying on the ferry are very important to me right now. They both have shown amazing amounts of love and friendship to me and made me feel so loved. Earlier this week I was really struggling, and one of them made it her goal , nay, her mission to make me smile and be happy. I don't know that I can express what that meant to me, especially since I had only just seen her at church and never really talked to her individually before. Why did she care about me? why did it matter if I had a bad day? I don't know but her attempts to make me smile were successful beyond all imagination and now I really love her for it and always will. I have really great friends. I have a great family, I am very blessed, and I am thankful for counseling combined with the forgotten carols to well and truly turn me into a big blubbering baby for the day. No running from feelings right now, they are running down my face. Happy Thanksgiving all, I am thankful for you, I am thankful for your love, and I am thankful for Jesus Christ and his gospel. I have never felt such gratitude before, I love it. God really does know me and gives me just what I need.
I went to bed last night at 1:30 in the morning, because after a week of starting to get a little off balance again, I needed a girls night, and I needed to talk to my best friend about all the junk in my head I had been running away from and not dealing with.
At 6:30 this morning, I woke up, threw on some work out wear, grabbed my skate bag, and headed to the rink for my first skating lesson since like April. It was good. It was hard work. It was crazy fun. I was slightly sore after, but I have the most amazingly awesome Finnish woman for a coach, and when I don't put the correct arm in front, she tells me in Finnish, and some how I understand that better. I worked on stroking and 3 turns. It was basic, it was small, but some how this progressing slowly and rebuilding all my skating almost from scratch is making me a better, more patient and controlled skater, and I think, as painful and slow as this year has been, its a good thing.
After skating I ran to the store and made some thanks giving preparations, mainly cooking down pumpkin to make my pumpkin pie and soup. I had about three hours to eat lunch, do some reading and work on my work book pages I had been avoiding all week before it was time to head off to my counseling session with Josh Weed Who is an Amazing person and and excellent counselor. I would encourage everyone to read his blog, especially his unicorn club post, but they are all great. Traffic was HORRENDOUS both going to and coming back from Auburn, so I was late, and it took me an extra half hour to get home.
Result: After a very emotional session of dealing with everything I had ran away from all week, I drove straight home and had a total of FIVE minutes to take my dog out to pee and then run jump in my friend Dan's car to go to the Forgotten Carols in Seattle. Result: I was pretty primed for an emotional cry baby night.
Dan and I stopped at Faddo's for dinner, because its my favorite and it was pretty close to Benaroya Hall where the show was. mmmm tasty Irish food and champions league soccer / football. nice. we ate so much we had to practically roll ourselves up the steep Seattle hills. When we got to BH, I had to pee, because I drank three glasses of water in the hour we were at Faddos. This is a common theme for me this week. Any way, Dan had handed me my ticket and we were going to meet at our seats. He bought my ticket as a Christmas present, best present ever. I approached an usher for direction, and she told me it was right toward the front. When I realized how close to the front, I NEARLY DIED. we were on the second row they were using for people, four rows back from the stage. I have never sat that close ever in my life. ever. ever!!!
I almost started crying then and there. It was clear that I was doomed. The lights dimmed and with the first flute note tears came streaming down my face, and have continued ever sense. I felt so much there tonight, so much I haven't felt in a long time, so much I have never felt because I wouldn't allow myself to. My first feeling was how much my mom loves the forgotten carols, and my memories of Christmases past watching with her, or listening to the CD constantly while cleaning the house. I love my mom. By the end of the show, I really just wanted my mom there to give her a big hug. At intermission I went and bought the second to last one they had of a very special Christmas tree Ornament to give to her. I will talk more about this later. As the show played on I loved the songs as much if not more than ever, the power of the words and the melody captivated my soul.
But this was an experience for me like never before. I have gone to this show before, but this is the first time I have every understood Constance. I was there with her every moment in shared pain, and shared joy. When the part about her not being able to have children came up, and the song "Mary let me hold her baby" I thought of how blessed I was to have friends with kids that let me, every now and then, get to have little mini mommy moments, even though I'm not really their mom, I like when I get to have some kind of experience like that and help my friends out. I am also now incredibly grateful for my new call to the primary. I finally have reached the point in my life where I really would like the experience of being a mom. and I really related to the character in that moment. There were many other things like this that happened for me. I cried the whole time.
What got me was in the end. I knew this was coming, but singing together "We can be together forever someday". That song always reminds me of my French sister Laeitita. She was our foreign exchange student for three years. I stayed with her family for one summer too. I remember the last time we took Laetitia to the airport, I sang her that song, and she nearly hit me and then she started crying, and my dad yelled at me to stop because I was upsetting her. And I yelled back that I was just trying to express how I felt the only way I knew how. I still miss my friend Laetitia.
I grabbed some quick signatures from the cast. One of the senior couples in my mission knew one of the lead actress and that is the whole reason I ended up going tonight. It was a Thanksgiving miracle and the best Thanksgiving eve ever. I had to meet our common friend. And I told Michael McLean about how I once skating to one of the songs from the forgotten carols for my personal progress project, or something. I wish I still had that video. Any way, then we headed out into the cold down to the ferry.
On the way in to Seattle as I walked through the pedestrian bridge/homeless camp, I saw someones bed. I was so cold and all I could think of is how hard that would be, and that I was really glad I was not homeless. On the way back my heart was full, and so were my eyes - of tears- and my head was full of song. As we approached the homeless area of the bridge one of the Forgotten Carols popped into my head : "Homeless, Homeless, like the Christ child was, we are not homeless, homeless.. for in his love there is a home." and I wanted to do something, anything to share the love I felt at that moment.
AND THEN I SAW HIM.... the homeless man that has been apart of my life since I moved here over four years ago. Almost daily this man sweeps the bridge, clearing leaves and debris and helping so it doesn't flood in the rain, and it isn't dirty and gross. When he is away from this spot, when he isn't there to sweep, it backs up and we have to cross a lake to get to work, and then my feet are cold and wet all day and I am sad. Every time I see this man, I think of the great service he does to all of us, and he does it just so that its clean. I saw him, and I heard the song. I thought about the goodies in my bag I had bought. I really couldn't see him having a way to play a CD, so I reached in and gave him the one thing that I could, the one thing that seemed to symbolize everything he stood for to me, the Christmas tree ornament.
Tears filled my eyes, and my voice cracked as I just handed him the little white box and said " thank you so much for always sweeping this bridge, it means so much to me. here is a special Christmas ornament" I don't know, what use that will be for him, or if it will mean anything to him at all. But for weeks I have wanted to thank him, to do something. That is all I could think to do, and so I did it, and then I walked away crying, and texted my mom that her Christmas present went to a homeless guy. Merry Christmas Mom. Then I cried in the ferry terminal. Then I got on the ferry and cried some more. then I got on facebook and wrote about it and cried some more. Then my friends told me I should write a song about it, so I did, but Facebook wouldn't let me post, and it was lost. So, I will try again.
Water, water every where, but mostly in my eyes, here upon the ferry, riding at even tide.
Water, water every where, he cleaned every day, so I could walk freely without water in my way.
In the dark of the night, as the wind screams and howls my heart is full of light and love and truth the more somehow. I'm crying on the ferry, I'm crying in the town. My heart is full, I have such joy, my tears are warmth somehow.
I wanted to end with a thought or two more. the two women that encouraged me to make up a song about crying on the ferry are very important to me right now. They both have shown amazing amounts of love and friendship to me and made me feel so loved. Earlier this week I was really struggling, and one of them made it her goal , nay, her mission to make me smile and be happy. I don't know that I can express what that meant to me, especially since I had only just seen her at church and never really talked to her individually before. Why did she care about me? why did it matter if I had a bad day? I don't know but her attempts to make me smile were successful beyond all imagination and now I really love her for it and always will. I have really great friends. I have a great family, I am very blessed, and I am thankful for counseling combined with the forgotten carols to well and truly turn me into a big blubbering baby for the day. No running from feelings right now, they are running down my face. Happy Thanksgiving all, I am thankful for you, I am thankful for your love, and I am thankful for Jesus Christ and his gospel. I have never felt such gratitude before, I love it. God really does know me and gives me just what I need.
Sounds cool!!! Congrats on getting back into skating!)) aaaaand Happy Thanksgiving!
ReplyDeleteThat is so great!!! I missed our dinner, but it sounds like it was needed. As was my nap before work. Love you!
ReplyDeleteNow I'm crying Mandi. Excellent post. And I meant what I said about your awesomeness. You really are. :-)
ReplyDelete