I decided not to do my blog on why I hate Valentines day on Valentines day. So I'm going to do it today. This may be one of the most difficult blogs for me to write, but I'm gonna do my best.
In Elementary School, I remember we all made mail boxes, and then you could go around and give valentines to your class mates. I always think of Ralph on the Simpsons when thinking of this time of life. He got a Valentine for Lisa that said "I cho choose you" with a picture of a train. It was a generic card, but Ralph took it that Lisa liked him more than she actually did. This is only one of a handful of nightmares that could go wrong even in elementary school. For me, I was a very very shy girl in elementary school. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be cool, like anyone does.
I was never really picked on, with the exception of one time a girl slammed my head into the wall in the girls bathroom. I don't really know why she did that. I was quiet enough I think I mostly just slipped under every one's radar. I was friends with some geeks, but I was athletic so I also got to play with the cool kids. I watched some of my friends be bullied quite frequently, and that was really sad. Valentines day to me seemed like a high pressure day. Everyone gave every one a Valentine for the most part, but you wanted to avoid a Ralph situation on either end, and you wanted to feel loved, but some people were more loved than others.
In Jr High and High School the Ante was upped considerably. It was teddy bears, flowers, chocolates and singing telegrams. Only now, it was more exclusive. You had to have someone interested in you (and brave enough to show it) to get something. I didn't have a boyfriend in High School or Jr. High, so every year Valentines would come and I would enviously watch as the pretty, popular girls got interrupted in class to be delivered wonderful sweets and pretty candies. Always I'd hope it would be me, but it never was.
I was really shy, so its probably good it wasn't me getting stuff, I would have freaked out. As much as I wanted to be loved, and to have some one show me they loved me, it scared the heck out of me. Not much has changed really. The past three years I have been on the receiving end of stuffed bears, flowers and chocolates. Instead of the warm tingly feelings I had hoped for, I freaked out. I felt uncomfortable, or ultimately I felt like I needed to push the guy away. I didn't want to break his heart, and yet I knew, I was different, I was dangerous, and I would break his heart. Better sooner than later.
Sometimes, I wasn't super interested in the guy, and so it wasn't that big of a loss. Other times, I really was interested, and I really had wanted it to go somewhere. It was those times that hurt the worst. What was wrong with me? I wondered. Why couldn't I just be relaxed and normal and as excited and happy about these things as everyone else.
This difference became more apparent as I started to have real boyfriends. Well, real for me. I didn't date any of them longer than three weeks unless they moved to another state. That long distance thing allowed me to let one man in a lot closer than anyone else. In the end though, I needed a boyfriend that was actually around.
Finally, this year after a dating spree and multiple break ups, and one truly broken heart, I was good and depressed, and felt like the biggest looser on the planet. What is wrong with me?! Why can't I hold down a relationship like any normal person can? Why do I get so terrified that I am going to get out of control when I really like a guy and things are going well?
These questions and many more have been answered as I have gone to counseling and started to work on many, many issues. There is a term for what I experience. Its called Sexual Anorexia. I am horrible at explaining it. Married people may experience it, single people, people who appear to be normal and fine, people who break up with guys and quit talking to them after a first kiss (me). Not because they don't like those feelings, but because they just are freaked out by how much they like them. My workbook defines it as "sex is the most terrifying need." Not just sex itself, but anything related to those feelings.
I get really uncomfortable around couples kissing. I have a really hard time at girls nights when those subjects come up. I've been working on it. See, its just as unhealthy to be where I am as a sex addiction would be. I have to get to a healthy place- the middle place where "normal " people live. I think I have made some progress in the past year, and that is good. There is hope for me yet.
A major part of this, I have discovered lies in my difficulties in trusting people, in opening up to them, in making myself vulnerable. I have worked on that a lot in this blog. Life is easier when you trust and love others. I once had a friend tell me that for her "trust equals love." I think that is very true. I can care about people, and feel a degree of love for them, but I never truly love any one when I don't let them in, when I keep my walls up, when I refuse to trust them. Just as when we don't trust God, or the atonement we aren't really having faith and letting God in our lives.
I think I have struggled a lot with loving myself during times of my life. I know how freaking awesome I am on paper, and yet there is this part of me, that I just have known if people knew about it, they wouldn't love me. I couldn't love me. I couldn't accept that part of me. And so I rejected other peoples love.
That has changed. It is continuing to change. I am not yet ready to share everything about myself here on this blog, obviously, but I have a growing number of trusted and truly loved friends that know my every secret, and you know what, they love me still, and possibly even more. And, as I grow to love myself, and grow to accept other peoples love, I can feel more of my Heavenly Fathers love. I've just shared one big scary secret with you all. Dating, and icky love stuff scares me, because it makes me feel out of control and vulnerable. Talking about this scares me. It is the weakest and most deficient part of my life, and it is the part I worked the hardest to cover up and try to make look normal. there it is, its out there now. I don't have to hide or pretend any more.
Now I can work at my own pace on this, and I can expect your help with it. Go ahead, kiss your boyfriend /husband in front of me. It will make me uncomfortable, but I need to face this. Tell me how awesome I am and that you love me. Don't be surprised if I ask why. I don't always understand why people love me. I am SO weird after all.
But don't we all have some work to do in this feeling loved, allowing others to love us and think we are awesome area? I'm not saying everyone is dealing with sexual anorexia, but I think this is a common thread in all addictions, trials, and so forth, whatever they may be. If we truly could love ourselves as God loves us, we could accept love better, and we would then be able to keep the commandment to love one another as Jesus loves us, because first we are commanded to "love our neighbor as (we ) love (ourselves). I am learning to love, and I love it. I am learning to become comfortable with the associated icky love stuff. I am learning to love Valentines day.
Valentines day isn't about candy, or bears, or flowers. Valentines day is about love. I don't think the Beatles were really all that far off when they said "All you need is love." God is love, The Atonement is love, Family is love, Friendship is love. Love is a good thing. Obviously, my goal in working on this, is to have better friendships, and to someday sustain a dating relationship with a guy I like and hopefully eventually get married.
For more information on Sexual Anorexia, and what the crap it is (because I am really horrible at explaining it see the following link. http://www.sobernation.com/fear-of-the-intimate-considering-sexual-anorexia/
In Elementary School, I remember we all made mail boxes, and then you could go around and give valentines to your class mates. I always think of Ralph on the Simpsons when thinking of this time of life. He got a Valentine for Lisa that said "I cho choose you" with a picture of a train. It was a generic card, but Ralph took it that Lisa liked him more than she actually did. This is only one of a handful of nightmares that could go wrong even in elementary school. For me, I was a very very shy girl in elementary school. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be cool, like anyone does.
I was never really picked on, with the exception of one time a girl slammed my head into the wall in the girls bathroom. I don't really know why she did that. I was quiet enough I think I mostly just slipped under every one's radar. I was friends with some geeks, but I was athletic so I also got to play with the cool kids. I watched some of my friends be bullied quite frequently, and that was really sad. Valentines day to me seemed like a high pressure day. Everyone gave every one a Valentine for the most part, but you wanted to avoid a Ralph situation on either end, and you wanted to feel loved, but some people were more loved than others.
In Jr High and High School the Ante was upped considerably. It was teddy bears, flowers, chocolates and singing telegrams. Only now, it was more exclusive. You had to have someone interested in you (and brave enough to show it) to get something. I didn't have a boyfriend in High School or Jr. High, so every year Valentines would come and I would enviously watch as the pretty, popular girls got interrupted in class to be delivered wonderful sweets and pretty candies. Always I'd hope it would be me, but it never was.
I was really shy, so its probably good it wasn't me getting stuff, I would have freaked out. As much as I wanted to be loved, and to have some one show me they loved me, it scared the heck out of me. Not much has changed really. The past three years I have been on the receiving end of stuffed bears, flowers and chocolates. Instead of the warm tingly feelings I had hoped for, I freaked out. I felt uncomfortable, or ultimately I felt like I needed to push the guy away. I didn't want to break his heart, and yet I knew, I was different, I was dangerous, and I would break his heart. Better sooner than later.
Sometimes, I wasn't super interested in the guy, and so it wasn't that big of a loss. Other times, I really was interested, and I really had wanted it to go somewhere. It was those times that hurt the worst. What was wrong with me? I wondered. Why couldn't I just be relaxed and normal and as excited and happy about these things as everyone else.
This difference became more apparent as I started to have real boyfriends. Well, real for me. I didn't date any of them longer than three weeks unless they moved to another state. That long distance thing allowed me to let one man in a lot closer than anyone else. In the end though, I needed a boyfriend that was actually around.
Finally, this year after a dating spree and multiple break ups, and one truly broken heart, I was good and depressed, and felt like the biggest looser on the planet. What is wrong with me?! Why can't I hold down a relationship like any normal person can? Why do I get so terrified that I am going to get out of control when I really like a guy and things are going well?
These questions and many more have been answered as I have gone to counseling and started to work on many, many issues. There is a term for what I experience. Its called Sexual Anorexia. I am horrible at explaining it. Married people may experience it, single people, people who appear to be normal and fine, people who break up with guys and quit talking to them after a first kiss (me). Not because they don't like those feelings, but because they just are freaked out by how much they like them. My workbook defines it as "sex is the most terrifying need." Not just sex itself, but anything related to those feelings.
I get really uncomfortable around couples kissing. I have a really hard time at girls nights when those subjects come up. I've been working on it. See, its just as unhealthy to be where I am as a sex addiction would be. I have to get to a healthy place- the middle place where "normal " people live. I think I have made some progress in the past year, and that is good. There is hope for me yet.
A major part of this, I have discovered lies in my difficulties in trusting people, in opening up to them, in making myself vulnerable. I have worked on that a lot in this blog. Life is easier when you trust and love others. I once had a friend tell me that for her "trust equals love." I think that is very true. I can care about people, and feel a degree of love for them, but I never truly love any one when I don't let them in, when I keep my walls up, when I refuse to trust them. Just as when we don't trust God, or the atonement we aren't really having faith and letting God in our lives.
I think I have struggled a lot with loving myself during times of my life. I know how freaking awesome I am on paper, and yet there is this part of me, that I just have known if people knew about it, they wouldn't love me. I couldn't love me. I couldn't accept that part of me. And so I rejected other peoples love.
That has changed. It is continuing to change. I am not yet ready to share everything about myself here on this blog, obviously, but I have a growing number of trusted and truly loved friends that know my every secret, and you know what, they love me still, and possibly even more. And, as I grow to love myself, and grow to accept other peoples love, I can feel more of my Heavenly Fathers love. I've just shared one big scary secret with you all. Dating, and icky love stuff scares me, because it makes me feel out of control and vulnerable. Talking about this scares me. It is the weakest and most deficient part of my life, and it is the part I worked the hardest to cover up and try to make look normal. there it is, its out there now. I don't have to hide or pretend any more.
Now I can work at my own pace on this, and I can expect your help with it. Go ahead, kiss your boyfriend /husband in front of me. It will make me uncomfortable, but I need to face this. Tell me how awesome I am and that you love me. Don't be surprised if I ask why. I don't always understand why people love me. I am SO weird after all.
But don't we all have some work to do in this feeling loved, allowing others to love us and think we are awesome area? I'm not saying everyone is dealing with sexual anorexia, but I think this is a common thread in all addictions, trials, and so forth, whatever they may be. If we truly could love ourselves as God loves us, we could accept love better, and we would then be able to keep the commandment to love one another as Jesus loves us, because first we are commanded to "love our neighbor as (we ) love (ourselves). I am learning to love, and I love it. I am learning to become comfortable with the associated icky love stuff. I am learning to love Valentines day.
Valentines day isn't about candy, or bears, or flowers. Valentines day is about love. I don't think the Beatles were really all that far off when they said "All you need is love." God is love, The Atonement is love, Family is love, Friendship is love. Love is a good thing. Obviously, my goal in working on this, is to have better friendships, and to someday sustain a dating relationship with a guy I like and hopefully eventually get married.
For more information on Sexual Anorexia, and what the crap it is (because I am really horrible at explaining it see the following link. http://www.sobernation.com/fear-of-the-intimate-considering-sexual-anorexia/
Thank you for sharing your experiences and secret Mandi!!! I'm happy that you're working on overcoming this weakness and dating others. I'm sure God will bless you with your eternal companion soon because you're working so hard to overcome it! Stay happy and have hope for a better future.
ReplyDeleteI have problems too with dating. I'm a 27 year old male that exercises almost every day and has a good job, but I find fear in dating others. I love my freedom in experiencing life, but I'm afraid to be bound and controlled. However, I want to find that Love so I don't feel that emptiness inside when I go to bed at night... I think the main reason I don't date is because I'm afraid to be loved. (Thanks for letting me express my feelings on your blog).
My favorite love quote is: "The hardest people to love are the ones who need love the most"