The Univers Is Working Awesomeness In My Behalf

From a sleepless haze, and a horrible ponding headache, my thoughts will now somehow march forward onto this page, to explain the lessons of the past year, some grand complecated monstrosity of a mess, that at first glance looks like the ugly underside of a tangled crossstich.

But in an instant last night, well, about four sleepless hours, the picture came together for me, and i saw its beauty, the dark and hopeless moments side by side with the beautiful bright ones, forming a picture that otherwise would have been uninspiring.

Friendship is an interesting dynamic to life, trust, team work, dreams.  Sometimes we have friends that we think will be forever, but at somepoint you just go your ways, and what mattered so much for an instance, just mattered in the past, and just fades away rather boringly.

Other times there are these impossible friendships, that you werent really sure when you ever wanted them to start, then you find you need them, but everything goes seemingly wrong. The cards seem constantly stacked against it, and you are ready to throw in the towel and some how shards of broken hearts and broken trusts are glued back together in a way that makes it something stronger, more beautiful, and more impossible than ever seemed possible, because its been through everything and still stands, and then you just have to trust no matter the storm or the change, thats the friend that will always be, somehow your friend, against all odds.

Yesterday, my curling team, my inspiration, my motivation to dream, they had a member leave the team, to try other possibilities out.

Its only been four months I knew they existed.  A picture of them from the olympics hangs above my door with the words dream on it to remind me of that inspiration i found from them in february, to remind me to hope, to dream, to go after the impossible, to keep working through the difficult.

I was devistated for a small instant that the team, as it had inspired me, would no longer exist. Yes, team muirhead goes on for another four years toward another olympic dream, but without its lead, with a new lead. Someone i dont trust yet, someone that doesnt inspire me yet, someone i dont know yet. It will be, in many ways, a new team for one change.

And I thought, what do I do with that picture, with that dream now? Do i cut claire out, do I take it down?

And then I read Claire Hamiltons words, on why she was leaving the team, because she was inspired by the Olympics to go a different direction, to dream, maybe in some ways a bit bigger than in past. She thanked her former teamates, and her gratitude for the 3 years they had worked as a team.

Suddenly, it made sense to me, to keep my picture up as is. The team that inspired me will always include clair hamilton. It existed in a moment, and then it changed and moved forward, in a different direction, as all teams, and all friendships eventually do.

It doesnt make the past any less special, nor the future less bright, just different from the present. And I realized, with my own friends how our rolls in eachothers lives change over time.  Some people leave our team, some peolpe just play a different roll in it. Sometimes, you are the one leaving the team, because you just have to move in a different direction, you have to chase a different dream. But that special Olympic moment, nothing, no change, can ever take that away from you. It will always have existed, and been great as it was.

Last year was probably one of the most difficult years of my life. Ive heard it said that our trials are designed specifically for us, to remove all traces of fakeness from us.

I have to say, I feel that is true. I have come out of last year, friendships have come out of last year, my relationship with God has come out of last year, and I feel like thats exactly what last year did, it removed all the fakeness from my life, and left me with realness that can be trusted, because I know impossibly I survived, we survived. And everything is different, because now everything is real, and no fakeness remains.

The universe is working aeesomeness in my behalf. God is working awesomeness in my behalf. I understand that. It may at times seem the opposite, but some how, all these things end up being for our good.

I called my computer dead, and a week later, after I bought a new one, it started working. Ive no idea why I would need two laptops, but apparently I do.

Countless times, there has been a friendship that I called its death, I said it was impossible to survive, and the moment i gave up on it, it started working healthier than ever before, different, but alive and well.

Ive no idea the direction my life will take, but I have a good feeling about it. All these little pieces click together around me, these seemingly random threads and strands of life. They appear at times to make no sense, then, suddenly, another piece of the picture becomes clear, and beautiful, and surprising. And I love that. I love that God is in charge, and he knows what hes doing, and that sometimes he lets me get it, even just a little bit, just for a small second.