I Look At Spoilers, And That's Ok.

 I tried so hard. I wasn't going to look at any tweets from the East Coast.  I thought, I can do this, and if I do it, I will enjoy this episode for its suspense, like everyone tells me I should- spoiler free, or at least, spoiler limited. I can't un-see the vague spoilers I saw before the live tweet. The live tweet is really cheating, most spoilers just add more questions than they answer, live tweet just answers.

 So I tried. I tried really hard. I deleted every notification and tried to un-focus my eyes and not see them. It worked. Till the show was over. The post tweets got me. I saw something, I saw too much, and then I just had to look.

 And then i had to read all the follow up articles.  I was upset about a few things, for a minute or two, I just processed. I processed my disappointment, my hopes, my changed view. It wasn't as good as I hoped, It wasn't as bad either. It just was. It was what it was, and I was OK.  And then I realized, I hate surprises, and that's OK. I like spoilers, and that's OK.

  One of the personality theories I recently studied, talked about how people have different thresholds for things, for emotional things, for physical things, for drama, for whatever. I can't handle surprises because it causes me so much anxiety that I can't actually enjoy the thing, or connect to things as I should, as I need to, to enjoy it.

 I need spoilers, because  I am enjoying this episode so much more now that i know what is coming, now that i don't have to worry about where it is going, I can just in joy where it is, and what it is. I can laugh. I can appreciate the red herrings, and the foreshadowing. I can laugh  when its funny, and I can feel nostalgic. I don't have to be mad at anyone, that its not going to plan, or scared, when it is going to plan that its going to fall apart.  It takes away my feeling of responsibility for controlling my emotions to respond a certain way.

 I'm talking about a TV show, and i promise you that is why i watch things on Netflix after they are completely over, and when it gets too intense i look ahead.  That is why when i read a book, i read all the chapter titles, and sometimes i peak in the back.  That is why I enjoy my birthday presents or Christmas presents  so much more when someone consults me three or four months before what I am getting. Maybe there are a set of possibilities, but i know what all the possibilities will be. and I get excited, instead of anxious. Because i know what it is, and i have time to get excited, and i don't have to worry how I'm going to respond when i open it, because its not a surprise.

If its a surprise, i get anxious, and even if i like a present, or an ending, i can't show it, because the pressure is just too much for me.

I am thoroughly enjoying an episode of Grey's Anatomy, that i would have absolutely HATED if i hadn't seen those spoilers.  I know I can't rid my life of any and all surprises, and I'm not about to try to. But, because of this episode, and because of what I learned from spoilers, I think its time I stop trying to enjoy surprises, and just love the fact that I don't, its not me, its not who I am. And that is OK.  I give myself permission to never pretend to like surprises when I don't ever again.  Because I don't. I don't enjoy them. I don't enjoy the drama, and the build up, and the anxiety, and I never will.