Hello,
From time to time, I am going to write blog posts addressing things concerning my leaving the LDS faith, and how I feel as an "ExMo." I write these to address things that are getting back to me as misinterpretations of my experience by friends and family. I recognize that the people that most need to understand the things I am writing here, will never read it.
From time to time, I am going to write blog posts addressing things concerning my leaving the LDS faith, and how I feel as an "ExMo." I write these to address things that are getting back to me as misinterpretations of my experience by friends and family. I recognize that the people that most need to understand the things I am writing here, will never read it.
However, conversations with those people reveal that the rumor mill is alive and active about me, and so, if you the reader could, put these facts into that mill, so hopefully it will disseminate to those needing clarification (my friends, and my family), that do not actually desire to discuss it with me directly. I will not be writing anything here that will be demeaning to anyone's faith, or put down the church. I am simply clarifying some things that keep coming up in regards to my choices personally. Thank you for your assistance with this matter.
So, earlier this week, a friend of mine texted me that she was glad that my engagement had fallen through, because she hoped it would mean I would come back to the church. That sparked this blog.
The fallacy that my friends hope is operating on is a common misunderstanding perpetuated frequently by talks and other things by high up LDS leadership. That being that people are leaving the church so that they can "Sin" Anyone who has had a real conversation with people who have left the church would understand that this is generally not true.
So, earlier this week, a friend of mine texted me that she was glad that my engagement had fallen through, because she hoped it would mean I would come back to the church. That sparked this blog.
The fallacy that my friends hope is operating on is a common misunderstanding perpetuated frequently by talks and other things by high up LDS leadership. That being that people are leaving the church so that they can "Sin" Anyone who has had a real conversation with people who have left the church would understand that this is generally not true.
Most people, do not leave the church so that they can "sin." Rather, they leave the church generally because of getting a different answer on truth claims, history,or doctrine, of the church that they feel they can not morally stand behind in honesty any more, and thus must go their separate way. The social,and familial repercussions most people who leave the church face are deep enough that nothing so shallow as "wanting to sin" would be reason enough to face that pain and rejection.
There is also a persistent fallacy that people leave the church because they were offended by the imperfect body of saints that are members of the church. i.e. a local leader, people in their ward or stake. I have yet to meet anyone that left the church because they were offended by local congregants. I have seen people go inactive sometimes for that reason, in connection with bigger more serious doubts as to church teachings, but never in isolation to "so and so offended me, so I am done"
More often, if people are offended by a person in the church its coming from the top, things that the highest leaders are teaching, that we can recognize are being followed by local congregants. That doesn't mean we've never been hurt or offended by local leaders and church members, but in general, its not someones biggest or only reason for leaving the church. So often when we hear "the church is perfect but the members are not, will you please come back now?" the response you may get is, "Well actually I love my local member friends deeply they weren't my problem, the church was" The general consensus is that Mormons are very nice people for the most part, that do a lot of really great and wonderful things in their community and outside of it.
For me personally, I will take this moment to clarify, that I didn't leave the church because someone locally offended me. Yes, I had some hurtful interactions, before, during, and since leaving, but I also still deeply love and appreciate my LDS friends, and have had just as many if not more wonderful experiences interacting with them.
I also didn't leave the church to be in a relationships with a woman. I didn't leave the church to marry a woman. I actually started dating women long before I left the church, and I felt right with that before God, as we had dialoged much about it in prayer. I wouldnt have ever dated a woman, if i believed it was wrong. I started dating women, because I disnt believe it was wrong, and i knew it would work better for me than continuing to date men i couldnt be in an honest and reciprocoI loving relationship with.
There is also a persistent fallacy that people leave the church because they were offended by the imperfect body of saints that are members of the church. i.e. a local leader, people in their ward or stake. I have yet to meet anyone that left the church because they were offended by local congregants. I have seen people go inactive sometimes for that reason, in connection with bigger more serious doubts as to church teachings, but never in isolation to "so and so offended me, so I am done"
More often, if people are offended by a person in the church its coming from the top, things that the highest leaders are teaching, that we can recognize are being followed by local congregants. That doesn't mean we've never been hurt or offended by local leaders and church members, but in general, its not someones biggest or only reason for leaving the church. So often when we hear "the church is perfect but the members are not, will you please come back now?" the response you may get is, "Well actually I love my local member friends deeply they weren't my problem, the church was" The general consensus is that Mormons are very nice people for the most part, that do a lot of really great and wonderful things in their community and outside of it.
For me personally, I will take this moment to clarify, that I didn't leave the church because someone locally offended me. Yes, I had some hurtful interactions, before, during, and since leaving, but I also still deeply love and appreciate my LDS friends, and have had just as many if not more wonderful experiences interacting with them.
I also didn't leave the church to be in a relationships with a woman. I didn't leave the church to marry a woman. I actually started dating women long before I left the church, and I felt right with that before God, as we had dialoged much about it in prayer. I wouldnt have ever dated a woman, if i believed it was wrong. I started dating women, because I disnt believe it was wrong, and i knew it would work better for me than continuing to date men i couldnt be in an honest and reciprocoI loving relationship with.
I recognized that I probably would eventually be excommunicated because of that and church policy, but even with the November 5th policy, that wouldn't have changed anything for me. What did change for me was the policy's lines about children of same sex married couples. Ultimately i chose to leave the church rather than be excomunicated, to take ownership of my own moral convictions and beliefs.
For me, the policy drew a hard line in the sand, where after much thought and prayer I just realized that my beliefs and the churches beliefs on this matter were irreconcilable and i was no longer at a point that I could ignore that and pretend other wise after a life time of trying. I had to be true to what I truly felt and believed and respectfully go my own way.
Upon this decision, I spend some time pondering, What if they are right, and what if I am wrong. And I came to the decision that that doesn't matter to me. I was also done pretending that the Celestial kingdom I had been taught of was any concept of the afterlife I wanted. In fact, I found it would meet the definition of my personal Hell. So I was done. and I resigned, even though I knew this would be hard on my family and friends, and myself in many ways, because I had to do what I felt was right and true and the best course for me. And I love and respect those who stay because they feel it is the best course for them.
Ultimately if it is true, you can visit me at a lower kingdom if you feel so inclined any way, as I was taught many many times in my life, people from high post earthly kingdoms have the privilege of doing.
Upon this decision, I spend some time pondering, What if they are right, and what if I am wrong. And I came to the decision that that doesn't matter to me. I was also done pretending that the Celestial kingdom I had been taught of was any concept of the afterlife I wanted. In fact, I found it would meet the definition of my personal Hell. So I was done. and I resigned, even though I knew this would be hard on my family and friends, and myself in many ways, because I had to do what I felt was right and true and the best course for me. And I love and respect those who stay because they feel it is the best course for them.
Ultimately if it is true, you can visit me at a lower kingdom if you feel so inclined any way, as I was taught many many times in my life, people from high post earthly kingdoms have the privilege of doing.
But I would appreciate it, if anyone thinking that they can friendship me back in the church would stop. I am 99% sure I am not coming back. I leave 1% because i can not ever with complete certainty say that there is nothing that would ever convince me to return, but at this point in life it is extremely unlikely, and I would appreciate it if people would not try to friendship me back into the church. I was an extremely active Mormon, and I can tell when people are doing that, and its very annoying, and your conditions of friendship/love are very transparent to me, and it feels insincere. I have many friends that are my genuine friends, and I can tell they are my genuine friends, and I love them so much for that, and I am sorry to cause them any pain for my exit of the faith. If I could have spared them that pain, I would have loved to. I mourn with them in that pain, and then we move forward with life.
Next, I would like to just address that I am incredibly happy now. I like my life, and the opportunity I now have, the freedom I now have to decided for myself what is true, and what i am OK with leaving as a blank space or grey area, and what I don't feel is true at all. I still have a clear morality, and I didn't go crazy upon leaving and not being told what is or isn't right. I like to take the time and think these things out myself, and most of the principles i was taught in my upbringing have stuck. I feel it is very important to be honest, to be kind, to do good, to help others, to keep my body and mind healthy. etc.
Now, I have spoken ad nausem about why I left the church, and the reasons most people who leave the church do not actually have for leaving the church. I want to address any regrets people may think I might have about my membership.
As I have spoken to people about this, I have gotten many questions about if I regret my mission, or if I regret the way I was raised, or my time in the church, if I wish I had left sooner.
Mostly, No. I do not. I would love to have not had the pain of internalized homophobia growing up, or being surrounded with negative statements that made me feel I was broken, that i needed to be fixed, or that kept me from connecting to people like my cousin or others of the LGBT community, which would have helped me be less depressed and have less suicide idealation growing up and even into my early thirty's.
I do not regret being a missionary for the LDS church. I loved my mission. there were hard things, and there were good things, and over all I would say I gained wonderful and worth while experience and friendships from it. I don't regret that I taught people, and they were baptized. I think that for those the church works for, it can be an amazingly positive addition to their lives, and give them a wonderful community of some of the nicest people in the world. I would say most, if not all the people I taught that it didn't work for, have since left the church and are happy in life, as are those that it worked for that stayed in.
Mormonism is a part of my culture and world lens. It always will be. I am always grateful for the things that I gained, the confidence I gained as a missionary, from learning public speaking, from ward choirs that taught me how to sing, and read music (kind of), that helped me cultivate talents, and friendships, that taught me to be honest, and to be kind to others, from the many wonderful experiences I gained doing service.
If there is anything I could get back, I probably would like my tithing money back, because most of it doesn't go to the things I would like it to have gone to, and I would like to use that money as I see fit, but i consider it part of the cost of the things I gained, so its fine.
The only grudge, I guess you can say I have against the church, is the unnecessary wall that it creates in my personal relationships with my family and some friends. I think it often takes an extraordinary amount of time and dialog to get past that, and has created some real barriers to a genuine relationship for me as someone outside the church,as a former member, with some inside the church.
I do not regret being a missionary for the LDS church. I loved my mission. there were hard things, and there were good things, and over all I would say I gained wonderful and worth while experience and friendships from it. I don't regret that I taught people, and they were baptized. I think that for those the church works for, it can be an amazingly positive addition to their lives, and give them a wonderful community of some of the nicest people in the world. I would say most, if not all the people I taught that it didn't work for, have since left the church and are happy in life, as are those that it worked for that stayed in.
Mormonism is a part of my culture and world lens. It always will be. I am always grateful for the things that I gained, the confidence I gained as a missionary, from learning public speaking, from ward choirs that taught me how to sing, and read music (kind of), that helped me cultivate talents, and friendships, that taught me to be honest, and to be kind to others, from the many wonderful experiences I gained doing service.
If there is anything I could get back, I probably would like my tithing money back, because most of it doesn't go to the things I would like it to have gone to, and I would like to use that money as I see fit, but i consider it part of the cost of the things I gained, so its fine.
The only grudge, I guess you can say I have against the church, is the unnecessary wall that it creates in my personal relationships with my family and some friends. I think it often takes an extraordinary amount of time and dialog to get past that, and has created some real barriers to a genuine relationship for me as someone outside the church,as a former member, with some inside the church.
I think a lot of this comes from fear that I, or people like me, will try to pull you away from your faith, or bring you down. I have no desire to do that. For the most part, people who have experienced a faith crisis and then change, have no desire to inflict that pain on anyone else. It is at times, when you are in that crisis, quite painful to confront all these feelings and conflicts with your beliefs and what you have spent your whole life believing.
Its not my place to put you through that. It would be nice if no one ever had to go through that, but I am glad I did because it helped me to grow immensely as a person, and has brought me out the other side to a place of deep joy, peace, and confidence in my self and humanity in a broader sense with or without religion in individuals lives. If someone is going through that, I am willing to support them through it, even if the come to a different conclusion at the end of it than I.
ultimately I still deeply believe in the article of faith that states basically that "we claim the privilege of worshiping God (or not) according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men (women, and other genders) the same privilege let them worship how, where or what they may"
And I will leave it at that. I think that answers most of the questions that have come up recently. If you have any more, please send them my way.
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