Body Issue (Part 1) : You Should Go And Love Yourself

This past Sunday, I experienced a body image roller coaster the likes and intensity of which, I do not recall ever experiencing before.

I was extremely tired, having not slept well at all. So I was glad my friend had messaged to cancel our 9 am walk, because I would have more time to try to sleep, and get ready for my Seattle Reign game and volunteer duties. But I was also kind of sad we weren't meeting, because I knew I was struggling deeply to feel human connection, to feel lovable, and acceptable.

This game was a big deal to me. Marta the Brazilian soccer legend  would be playing, as would Ali Krieger, and one of my favorite human sports celebrity figures on the planet... Ashlyn Harris.

I Knew I would be headed to the fan zone post game for autographs. I wouldn't skip this definite once in a year (possibly once in a lifetime) opportunity. But, I also hate the fan zone. I hate being there asking for autographs.

The players are amazingly kind and friendly  to the fans, but internally my shy side is in full effect in the fan zone, coupled with the feeling of "you're an adult. You're older than most of these players, it's not cool for you to be here"

I have no idea where this feeling comes from, as there are pleanty of people my age and older in the fan zone, without kids. Humans need inspiration and roll models no matter the age of either the human seeking inspiration, nor that of the human inspirer.

But we ain't even there yet, because I ain't even left my house. So let's back this up. Deciding what to wear to a game and getting my hair right is very important to me. Memorial stadium is a major part of my community life post Mormonism. And a desire to be accepted by ones community is ever present.

I wanted to feel like a badass. I wanted to dress and look in a way that would make me feel empowered. I was on my way to potentially meeting some of the most badass, inspiring people (cough cough, ashlyn harris),  meeting new friends in my volunteer efforts, and meeting people I am interested in ... getting to know better ;)

So I went for my "power suit" and snapped on my utility kilt. My hair game was tops, and I felt like I was looking pretty hot. Game on. Ready to go.

I boarded the ferry an hour later, feeling confident and bold. As I walked to the "quiet cabin" I passed a group of ladies, sitting on a bench outside. I didn't look and see these ladies, but my mind decided they were pretty feminine straight girls. As I walked passed I heard myself being talked about and my defenses instantly went up, and I started to shut down.

I heard one of them say "look at her Utility Kilt, I love it. That is the cutest one I have ever seen."

Wait? What?  I'm pretty sure I was blushing as I tried to remain cool and slip into the cabin, quietly. Pretend you didn't hear a thing, don't make eye contact, you don't hear them talking about you.

How did I feel so defensive about a compliment? I had been expecting the worst. The opposite had happened. But good or bad, I don't really like a lot of attention. I went and took a nap, pondering the underlying emotional dynamics I was feeling.

I showed up for my volunteer time, and strung some passes on a lanyard, and that was it. They didn't really need us today, and I felt kind of useless. At one point the wind picked up, and me and another volunteer doubled back to help brace up the merchandise from the gusts. Then back to standing around.

Then the Seattle Magestics showed up. And one of the most peppy, fun women's pro football players came up and started talking to me. They were there to get more fans coming to their games. It worked. I plan on going. They were really nice, and really cool, and mentally I felt a little pick up for a bit.

Then during the game, I was admiring Ashlyn Harris's new short haircut, which I absolutely adore. The college girls behind me started talking smack about it, and how they liked it much better long, it was so much prettier then, they said.

This instantly brought back all the memories of flack I have gotten over my short hair, and I just wanted to shout at them "Listen, a holes, your opinion of her hair, and my opinion of her hair doesn't matter. What matters is how she feels about her hair, and if she loves it."

I didn't, but I wanted to.  I love my hair. I love it. It makes me feel empowered and very happy.

In this moment of projection, all those small passive aggressive digs at my short hair, and not so passive aggressive digs flooded back to me and I projected things I wanted to say to the diggers. I love my hair. Your negative opinion on it, is none of my damn business, and I don't want to hear it. You aren't destroying my love of my hair, but you are a little bit destroying my desire to be around you, and I would like it if you would stop.  Keep your negativity to yourself. My short hair is a hard won life long battle to care more about my own opinion than everyone else's, to love myself for who I am, and freely express that. Your words won't make me lose that fight, but they remind me that I have to keep fighting it and I can't always trust the people I wish I could.

Soon after that, Ashlyn Harris got injured. Now I might not get to meet her, and I might not get an autograph. I was sad. The game was intense and amazing, and by the end I didn't even care that we had tied.

I went to the fan zone, alone. Something that's hard for me to do. And while waiting there I felt confident enough to start talking to this really good looking lady standing next to me. It went pretty well. We met Marta, who took a picture of me and her with my own phone. Then we met Ali Krieger.  The reign players came and I got a rare Laura Harvey autograph. Lu Barnes and Bev yanez came over, and made me feel right at home chatting like we were old friends.

Ashlyn Harris was still on the field, hobbling around with help. I hoped still she could hobble our way, but understandably  she did not. Me and my new friend desperately wanted to meet her. We both love her hair, and her soccer skills and find her inspiring. We discussed possibly shouting "Hey Ashlyn" to see if we couldn't possibly coax her our way. But as if she heard our discussion in the moment before we could say or do anything, Ashlyn Harris looked straight at us, waved, and hobbled into the locker room.

It was good enough. Next I thought about giving my new friend my phone number. ;) but I couldn't. I felt too fragile. I was bolstered enough by all the positive events of the day, but I felt this weak undercurrent of emotional energy, like one rejection would be enough to topple the whole thing  and send me into a horrible downward spiral.

I have spent the days since in conversations and thought  on body image, on self esteem, on confidence. I have listened to podcasts and read blogs and reports from some of my favorite celebrities being real, and honest about their own struggles. I have talked to friends and considered a lot of angles and dynamics. I'm feeling fairly good about things this week, but I felt the time had come for a discussion on this topic, from me.

The undercurrent of negativity is still flowing in my life. The only way I know to defeat it is openness, honesty, and vulnerability. I must face this head on. So we will face it together.

There is far too much to fit in a single blog post, so this will be a series I will write through the week. Some of my topics will include: nature vs nurture vs me, athletes, skin deep, masculinity/femininity, dating and marriage, hight, weight, and healthiness, and  post-mormon issues.

These will be my thoughts and experiences, as well as those of my friends who have boldly shared their stories. This won't be expert advise, just an opportunity to know that we are all human, and we aren't in this alone.