Mandi's Wild Week

Hello dear readers.  I know I haven't been writing as steadily lately. The truth is I only ever say something when I have something to say, and I didn't have a lot to say, until this week hit. And then I had too much to ever possibly say. But I have taken a lot of time to process, and I'm ready for the word vomit portion of sitting with my discomfort on a couple of things. So hold onto your hat, its gonna be a long one.

Last Thursday, I believe It was the end of the day and I was just sitting in my office working. I went to go take a walk break and take a look at my phone. A friend had sent  a message asking if I had seen Josh weed's post about getting divorced, and what my feelings were on it.  Quite honestly in that moment it felt like the world stopped and the floor dropped right out from underneath me. It was just hard to breath or concentrate, and I will get to why eventually.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had had plenty of conversations about the weeds, and I was over it. I had also had plenty of conversations about the Boston Breakers soccer team folding in the NWSL, and though upset, it felt beyond me so I was also over that. Finally announcements had been made and reality could be dealt with. I settled into a peaceful place of thinking most of the tumultuous NWSL off season was over, and I was ready to breathe a sigh of relief because even though Carson Pickett still hadn't signed, and that was odd, I felt mostly like things had settled and I could go back to having some comfort and security in my little soccer community.  Then I went for my lunch walk and checked my phone (I need to stop doing this? maybe? probably not.) and  not only was my favorite player being traded  two others that I also really liked were being traded. There was no amount of emotional preparation that could have made that moment any easier. The floor dropped out from under me once again, and my world was in chaos right when I needed it to be calm and stable.

The first thing I noticed was that these players were going to Orlando, which is my second favorite team, and if they had to be traded, the place I would most want them to go. I had feared they would go to Utah, which was probably my greatest fear of all. and this is where things will start to tie together.  I love my family in friends in Utah. I do. I am happy that you got a team. I was not happy that you got Laura Harvey from us. I was fine that you got Matheson, because very funny twitter banter came of it.  But I have a lot of feelings around Utah, and I would prefer that some of my favorite soccer players never ever get traded there, I don't care how great your facilities are.  I have a lot of reasons for that, most of them are personal, and there is every chance that without that personal history, my favorite players would be just fine there.  But I don't think I would be fine watching them be there, so selfishly I wish them to stay in Seattle or go to Orlando.  and I guess, even though I'm sad this off season has panned out as it has, and its not what I wanted, I'm glad Kop and Nairn are going to Orlando. that at least gives me peace. I can support that, and support them there, where as Utah would have been too big of a blazing dumpster fire of emotion for me to even think about.

This isn't a post about soccer, so I guess I better move back to the hard stuff.  Josh Weed. I love Josh and Lolly. I felt probably eventually they would come to this point and end up getting divorced, but I wasn't expecting it now, just like I wasn't expecting those trades to happen now. Did I ever mention  that I hate surprises?  yeah. I super do.

The first thing I felt reading Joshes post, was that he had nailed the pain and cognitive dissonance that comes with being queer and being Mormon. And I think when you are born into a religion there are always going to be things that you can't get rid of.  I will never be able to rid myself of Mormonism its woven into the tapestry of my being, even if I no longer believe the religious parts of it. There are things I just do, and ways I just react because of the Mormon within.  I am coming to appreciate the good and the bad of that.

Joshes words, kind of hit the nail on the head for the struggles I once went through, the pain, the  just trying to survive on until you can be "fixed" that constant feeling of brokenness. I have never forgotten that feeling, but reading joshes posts brought it back to life in a way I haven't experienced for three years. When I look back at it now, it was that incredible thing I somehow survived and I'm just happy to be happy, and to not be there any more.  I struggled a bit with reading the religious beliefs still in his view of events transpiring. Not because of any particular problem with that, but just because it reminded me of when I was there, getting different answers from  God than I was supposed to, and accepting the fact that following that voice might cost me friends, family, and the only community I had ever known. Church.  My safety net.

Also, in reading Joshes words, I saw my self, as I was once one of his clients, sitting in his office, and having him help me to a point beyond where he himself was. I can remember the moment that everything kind of shifted, the point where things went from me feeling like he was understanding and helping, to a point where he was not going to be able to help me any further.  This tangles into another part of the story, so you will have to wait just a second for it.

Before I read his post I saw friends post of their anger and hurt at Josh. I only understood what they were talking about after I finally saw and read his blog post.  and this is where things get super complicated for me.

In 2012 when Josh and lolly wrote there original "Coming out post"  I was a re-closeted super hard core trying to be a good Mormon girl who started to have all her efforts crumble. Despite feeling "confused" from elementary school, all the way through college and a mission and college again, about why I would like women, when I knew I wasn't "supposed to" was mostly a frustrating and depressing experience that I was able to scapegoat off  on to grieving over  a string of friends dying in car accidents.  It wasn't until 2008 that I got smacked so hard in the face with my queerness that I had to just finally own it.  But I was a good Mormon girl, and it scared me, so I tried to process it and run away at the same time, because I was afraid what it would cost me. I thought it would cost me everything. dang. them were dark times.

In 2009, I had "repented" for  being me, and tried desperately hard once again to fit into them boxes that I was supposed to and didn't. I pulled it off  for about 2 years, blaming all my "gay thoughts" on the media.  Oh, Book of Mormon Musical.  Sorry. but the song "Turn it off" Wasn't lying.  and I tried that whole "take the box that's gay and crush it" approach.  Let me tell you, that doesn't work, and its deadly to try. Nothing made me feel more distant from myself , from my own person, from my own likes and dislikes, and interests than those two years.

Thankfully, we had some lovely gay ladies come join the singles ward when I was in the relief society presidency. and It was in watching, working with, and trying to keep them active in the church that I realized I was fighting a very losing battle in keeping this deep shame filled secret to myself. Eventually I came out to myself, to a hand full of friends, and then read Brene Brown and discovered the power of vulnerability that revolutionized my life and made me a bit more shame resilient.  It was right around this time that Josh Weed wrote his post. I know many of my friends got beat up by his post, and I am sorry for your pain, and for the family members that made things harder for you.

For me, that post possibly saved my life. It gave me enough hope, when I wasn't ready, and didn't have the support system even if I had been, to venture out away from the safety of "the gospel" and the LDS church.  Josh gave me hope. Hope enough to live, hope enough to open up, hope enough to start talking and stop hiding things inside and silently dying.  Since he was in my state, I went straight to him for counseling.  Some one once asked me if he did conversion therapy. Not at all. Everything he did was give me tools from a healthy clinical perspective to start to take ownership of my life, and even to love those parts of me that I had hated and  feared and buried so deep.  For the first time in my life, I started to feel like I could breathe a little, I could exist a little.  It was still hard, and not working at all for me to be dating guys at church.  Josh helped me realize that it was OK to not date them, and to not get married, but to listen to myself and what I knew I needed. It was particularly trying because I am bisexual, and I really wanted to force it to work so I could check all those important boxes and quite feeling like a broken second class citizen - by that point transitioning to a family ward.

Eventually, both josh and lolly, and myself separately participated in something called "The voices of hope project"  basically a testimonial of queer Mormons talking about how they were making it work. each of our stories came out painful and tragic, and were used often (though that wasn't my intent) to tell other gay Mormons that if they weren't sticking  with the church they were doing it wrong.  I still feel really bad about that. even though I pulled my video years ago.  I saw it being done even on some of the comment threads about my video and that hurt. I may never have reached the fame level of Josh Weed, nor did the damage he did, But I know there were at least a few people who got hit with my story and my "example"

I don't completely regret that though, because I did make friends with a wonderful and complete stranger from another country because of it, and I believe I remember her telling me it gave her hope. its a two edged sword, and really its just a part of my journey that I chose to share with the world. At the time I was as honest as I could be, with the world and with myself, just as josh was.

However that moment was the beginning of the end of that road for me.  I went home to film it at Christmas, and I have never forgotten my dad telling me as I was leaving for the airport to come back to Seattle, that I shouldn't air my dirty laundry, that I shouldn't talk to or associate with "Those people" (gay Mormons). Because I would become an apostate.  The thing that hurt the most about that, was that here I was just trying to stay a live, just trying to get my family, anyone to understand what I was going through, to be less lonely, to just as Josh  said in his post- SURVIVE. because that was all I could do. Survive. But my dad couldn't even take a second to try to understand because this was too scary for him. 

I didn't go home from that trip offended. I went home from that trip with a deepening understanding. I was sacrificing huge pieces of myself, barely staying alive trying to find a way to survive and still make God and my family happy, and pleased with me.  It wasn't working, my very best efforts had failed. And I realized I was coming to resent them. All of them, for making me feel trapped and suffocated in this little box that just was never going to fit me.

Then I had a dream one night. At the time I considered it a vision from God. I would still say it was one of my deepest connections with self and the universe. It was a dream that gave me permission to start dating women. To face whatever consequences came with that, but a clear message "from God" that it was OK for me to do so. It changed my life, and that was about the moment where I had to take the bag of tools that Josh had given me, and start to face things on my own. I was done with counseling. I felt I had got all the help I could from it.  That moment was a spark that empowered me to own my own life, to make my own decisions. It was the beginning of true happiness and much less pain.

I still feel a lot of pain in Utah, because I know how I make my family feel. I know I can never do what they need me to do to make them feel at peace with their God and our family status. I know I can never be  the "good daughter" again, and I loved being the good daughter. I will always be some form of rainbow sheep. I know that when I find another girlfriend, they probably will once again find little ways to shut her out and myself when I try to bring her in. I know that battle isn't going away, and  I feel that if it does it will be because my family and I walk away from each other, because I'm not having someone I loved treated as non-existent ever again, but they are always going to feel obligated to let me know they don't approve (with a few people as exceptions).  I'm not being relegated to separate spaces and rules "for the sake of the children" or whatever the hell.  I'm nervous for that day and that show down and I have no doubt it will come, as much as my family love me and have tried to be inclusive, its really hard to find ways forward when that battle is between you and their god.

The last part of this, I talked about when I explained my tattoo. I found a vibrant post Mormon group as a support community on my way out of the church. But the first non-Mormon community I found that gave me that sense of purpose and belonging  that I found at church, but actually much deeper than that, was through volunteering and going to Seattle Reign games, and some of those players that were traded, were a big part of making that team feel like that kind of a home to me. 

But here is the deal, and I know this. I am just taking a day to allow myself to sit with my sadness and pain at their going, and my sadness and pain at all the gay Mormon Josh Weed stuff. Change has to happen to grow.  Its scary, its hard, in the process it hurts. Other people going through it can drudge it up again, even after you think you are well over it. But, it usually gets worse before it gets better. And getting better for me is now recognizing that I don't get to try to control the universe with my thoughts and wishes and prayers. The story I get isn't ever completely written by me. I have somethings I can control, but most things I just have to accept and  find a way to work with or through them.  I no longer give unquestioning loyalty to leaders. So I'm gonna question the hell out of these trades. Its my job to do so.  But I also support women's soccer and the NWSL, so at the end of the day, I'm gonna support the players that are here, and still love the ones that have left, and made such a difference.

I have no idea where this all will go, the soccer, the weeds, my life. I'm kind of happy to not have to know and have that detailed of a plan any more. I'm excited to be in for the ride, but also a little scared.  Its weird because I own more of my own life, my own decisions, my own happiness, my own person than ever before. Yet I have given up on trying to control it. its a very subtle difference between the two.