High Hopes- Chapter 2: The Warm Up

June 3, 2018  9:45 AM  Seattle, WA 

Headphones on, I stepped  onto the Seattle waterfront from the stairs I had just ran down at the Washington State Ferries terminal.  There were people everywhere. Tourists, Mariners fans, homeless people (this is just the sad reality of Seattle that constantly greets me.)  I took a quick photo in the surprisingly blinding overcast light as the next song began to play. 

"Faith, Please have a little in me. Hey. I know you hate it when I stray but I tried everything I drank the wine and stained the sheets. I'm clumsy when I speak. Call. You never call me anymore. We're past the point of self-control. I'm giving back to you, things I thought were true. I know its really nothing new.  Fear. That's what it was just to be clear. You went and made everything weird but that's another song. Another night, a shot of rum. I guess whats done is done. Bright, I fought and stumbled towards the light. I miss the days and nights we wrestled in my bedroom. My knees will give out soon. I guess its really nothing new. God, where the hell are you hiding? My hands are in the air its so exciting. I've been on the run, so I'm not coming Sunday its alright. I'll probably talk to you at midnight. God, I can never be like you. I can't change, I can't change and I don't want to. I'm not coming Sunday, its alright. I'll probably talk to you at midnight." 

This was my warm up. My time to get my mind and muscles sharp and ready for the day before me. As that song began to play in my ears I thought about the fact that it was Sunday, that just three years ago, I never would have been here on a Sunday. And I thought about how Memorial Stadium had become my new temple. Not during the games and the crowd filled moments of cheering. Those are amazing. But in the silent spaces I sit in alone or nearly alone as we prepare it for game day and crowds. Sometimes Its just me for a moment, sometimes there are staff, volunteers, coaches or stray players. But its quiet. Its reverent in Memorial Stadium. It is my celestial room. 

 I walked for a bit and then I would sprint intervals.  When I hit a sprint my muscles would feel so happy, though my lungs would burn a bit. My mind ran with me as I went.  I  thought about a coming discussion my friend Matt had brought up the night before. He wanted to talk to me about the Hinkle controversy that had broke out this week, and about the coming Seattle Pride match against North Carolina on June 23rd.  The Tyler Glenn song set the stage for this perfectly, reminding me of all the times where I had pushed down  how I truly felt about LGBT issues because my faith required it. And I thought about all the times Christianity had wounded me as a queer person.  

I thought about my ex-fiancee, who was a Lesbian Christian woman of deep faith and equally deep wounds from it. I thought about my many LGBTQ friends that had held on to their faith and found a way to connect to something that at times had also wounded and othered them.  I've been exploring this theme a lot for myself lately. I have no remaining belief in Christianity, but I do have spiritual beliefs. I noticed in myself a pattern to believe in things that are magical, spiritual, and beyond the realm of provable science. I don't call or believe these things to be God. Just some force of connection humans, animals, the world around us, and even the universe share, that links and binds and empowers us.  But because I've been wounded by religion, I will sometimes pretend to dismiss things I actually do believe to protect myself from getting hurt.  As I've thought about this I've also thought about how I used to find so much beauty in other peoples beliefs, even when they were vastly different from my own.  I lost that, and I've been trying to get it back, and trying to stop dismissing my own beliefs.  Thinking about these things made me feel a little more compassion toward Hinkle, while also pushing for the balance to support and uplift those being hurt by her words. 

With my brain mentioning Matt, a sudden realization dawned on me.  Yup. I wanted to have my Kop moment. But I didn't want it to be a forced moment standing in the fan zone where I take a signature or a selfie and its just ink and a picture. That wasn't my desire. My desire was a meaningful two way exchange, like the ones I missed, simple yet powerful and sometimes completely undocumented. So my brain reminded me that Matt is very thoughtful and this year he made these amazing "Once a favorite, always a favorite" canvas thing he gives the players that used to play for us when they come to visit, along with a favorite treat. Matt isn't randomly just doing this, he heads up one of two Seattle Reign Supporters groups, so this is a thing from the supporters to show we still care.

As I was running, I realized I needed to ask Matt if I could be the one to give Haley Kopmeyer her "Once a favorite."  I realized that I really wanted this in that moment, and then it scared me. Because now I had to ask Matt, and I didn't know how he would feel about that, or where he gave them out, or even if it would be possible. But I was determined at that point to ask, even though my anxiety was rising. My actions were being influenced by what I honestly admitted I wanted.  Then Macklemore started to sing again, and my planned actions were carved into stone. 

"Got a Guns n' Roses tee shirt. Never listened to the band. Just being honest. I just though that shit looked cool. Hold up, do you know who I am? Turn the block to Woodstock. Retire? Don't think that I could stop.  Jet-ski the way I ride the beast and fuck you I'ma die knowing that I did me. I got some words and I cannot let them die in me. This is arena status, our bones end up in the ground, does it even matter? Make some good music, get what you put in, get out and go and leave the planet. Now what the hell did you think this is? we born worth dying in-between we live. Love, prosper, hands to the sky catch a gospel. Roll the dice, nah I ain't betting on tomorrow. Chain looking like Orion's belt. Jacket looking something like a lion pelt. Had to take a break and find myself. they put me in a box by myself. The same writers criticizing my rhymes are the same writers that I gentrify in Bed-Stuy. I can't even see the hate, I should probably check my eyes, I got 50,000 phones pointed at me in the sky. Between a rock and a hard place. Cold blunted with a stone face. Firebreather, firebreather. What the fuck you think I'm doing it for? Hungry like it's my rookie year and I'm new to the sport The game is tied up and they looking at you in the forth. Do you take the shot or pass it? This is ten thousand hours and I'm working on my Master's liabilities and assets. And I'm showing up to practice, shooting early getting baskets.  Abracadabra that motherfucker is magic. Firebreather. 

 I ran up the stairs at the sculpture park warming up for that tarp and those stairs at Memorial.When I hit the top of the stairs, I pause. A new slow song came on.  It was 10:07 AM, and my meditation began.

High Hopes- Chapter 1: Intention

 I knew the moment the NWSL schedule dropped that June 3rd was going to be my day. It would be the most Mandi day I could ever Mandi. I knew all the things I wanted for this day, but first I had to get brave enough to ask for them.  And for the first time in my life, I was, and I did.

June 3, 2018 6:30 AM

The white noise of a radio alarm not set to a station filled my ears and pulled me from an anxious slumber, while a steady drum beat and the strumming of a guitar played in my head.

"A year from now we'll all be gone. All our friends will move away. And they're going to better places, but our friends will be gone away. Nothing is as it has been and I miss your face like hell. and I guess it's just as well, but I miss your face like hell. oooh oooh oooh.

Been talkin bout the way things change, and my family lives in a different state. and if you don't know what to make of this, then we will not relate.

Rivers and roads, rivers and roads, rivers till I reach you. Rivers and roads, rivers and roads oh rivers till I reach you." 

My brain had picked the perfect song, by the Head and the Heart of course, to start my day off with a reflective mix of happy and melancholy tears.

Before I go any further with this story, I need to give you some background, and I'm not going to give a lot of details here. It will take up too much space that there just isn't room for.  So TL;DR Last year, and during the season and off season some things happened with the Reign that I have very strong feelings about, and they aren't necessarily happy. However, as someone who has volunteered with the club for three years now, this place is my community, its my home, its my family. So I have been doing what I need to do to process those emotions honestly, and in a way that will allow me to forgive and move forward with that home and community.  I do not believe in blind loyalty or going against what my heart says is right, for anyone. I did that in my past, and I will never do it again. 

Part of what I did to work through those feelings was take a chance, make an investment, if you will. In February  when the pain of the off season was really fresh, an opportunity was presented to "Ride with the Reign" I wrote about that in a different blog post. With my attending that event I got tickets for a pitch side table at the game of my choice, which I planned to and did used for the Orlando game. I spent a significant amount of time with two of the soccer players on the team which has been and interesting part of this story, and probably vital to it. They are excellent humans, and have changed my perspective and my confidence levels on a few things.  And I got a pair of JLab Audio headphones from one of the soccer players (JLab Audio is her sponsor.)  

  I will also add one more piece of back story here, and that is that the coordinator for the volunteers usually doesn't let people volunteer if they can't commit to the whole time commitment (around 6 hrs. right up to kick off, sometimes beyond a little.)  However, over the past year we have built up a trust and a friendship, and when I told her I had a table for this game, but  really really still wanted to volunteer, and might need to leave a little early, she let me still volunteer. I asked for that back in March when the schedule dropped and was shocked that it was granted. And that was the moment that I decided this day was going to be epic.  I took a chance and asked for what I wanted, needed really, to have the best day ever, and we started with a yes.  So this day has had months of build up, but just that little thing, I knew it would be amazing. 

  Now back to our story...

Before I got out of bed, because I like to wake up very slowly, I decided to get out my Align with Joy Journal and set my intentions for the day. Any time I am going to have a big day I bust out that journal, because it helps me figure out what I truly want and get the mindset to approach it with intention, gratitude, and acceptance for however it may go down. In fact, that ride with the Reign day was one of the first times I used it and it was also an epic day. 

Now, I may have had a touch of revenge and anger mixed in just a little bit with my motives as I went to set my intentions for the day. Each day has a quote at the top, and an affirmation at the bottom to help set the mood.  So when I read the quote of the day "Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world."- Wayne Dyer.  And the affirmation "I spread love everywhere I go. I attract love every day. I am a magnet for love"  It instantly made me re-think my intentions. I thought, I have asked something for today of the universe. Something that is huge, and that is about justice, and forgiveness, and that is about doing right by someone that deserves to have a big day (not me) and if I approach this day with a spirit of revenge and anger, and not love then its not going to happen. It took 30 seconds ish for all the negative to drop away, and my focus to return to that of a loving world view. 

I had to do one more thing before I could set my intentions for the day. I had to think about and acknowledge what I learned from Mel Robins book "Stop Saying You're Fine"  I had to face the jerk, and the chicken in my brain. The ones that are afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to dream, afraid to ask for what I truly want. The one that always tells me I shouldn't want what I want, that my hopes, and dreams, passions and desires are stupid and will never happen.  I had to catch my self a few times saying "If this doesn't happen, its fine. I don't need everything."  And I had to answer it with "This is what I want. I am not going to be afraid to want this, I'm not going to be afraid to go for this. If it doesn't happen it will hurt. But it also may be even better than I dreamed."  And I had to go to my phone. To the lock screen saver and read the words of my friend Michelle that I have been reading over and over again any time I needed to find that same courage. 

Michelle died a few? couple? (time is weird and I'm not sure any more.) years ago very suddenly and unexpectedly. She was a year older than me and one of my best friends.  Maybe a month or so ago her father shared a Facebook status she had posted a few years before she died. This is what it says, and what I use to remind me. What I used on this day to remind me to just go for it. To just have the most Mandi day I ever Mandi'ed. 

"I was just thinking today... we tend to want to say, don't hope for that, because it will hurt all the more when it doesn't happen! but you know what? If we live that way, we are then affecting our own actions when it comes to the things we desire... we don't try as hard. our attitude changes our behaviors... so what if in the end it doesn't work out like I planned, or even hoped for? most the time it's even better.. and in the meantime, I spent my life enjoying and hoping rather than dreading and expecting the worst." - Michelle Bullock  

As Mel Robins said in that book, basically, you won't get out of bed and stop hitting the snooze button for anything less than what you truly desire.  And so I wrote my intentions. I wrote what I was grateful for, how I would take care of myself, how I would cultivate joy, and actions I would take and my own personal mantra's I would live by. 

My actions: "Don't over plan. Be in the moment. Accept what opportunities come to you. Don't cry over the ones you want that don't happen today. Not everything needs to happen today. Somethings will happen today but probably not exactly as you expect. It's OK to want things." 

My Affirmations: "Be a Brynion!"  (the volunteer coordinator is Brynn, and I coined this portmanteau for us her volunteers (Brynn's minions). Brynn has high high expectations for what we do and accomplish. Being a Brynion means you put your whole heart into it, you put your whole body into it, and you bring the magic to Memorial stadium on game day. Its really hard work.)

"Tackle that tarp!"  (This refers to one of the physically most challenging aspects of our day, putting out the very heavy sponsor tarp over a section of bleachers. It also means metaphorically to do hard things.)   And finally "You Badass Mother!"  ( this is a Cool Runnings reference. "I see pride, I see power, I see a badass mother, who don't take no crap off of no one." This quote makes me brave.)

With that done, I felt I was in a place of peace and preparation and I was ready to get dressed and start my day. It was 7 am, and I needed to leave by 8:15.  I will be really honest, I showered, I did my hair. I followed what I have jokingly named "The Krieger rule." A rule named for soccer player Ali Krieger because its a Women's soccer community joke almost that she is really attached to wearing mascara. The Krieger rule means I don't leave the house without mascara ever. I found it gives me more confidence.  I also very intentionally chose my outfit, right down to the color of my underwear. Not to be superstitious, but to be intentional. To put every ounce of intention I could into this day, and this game.  Then I grabbed my bag, with everything I needed for the entire day, kissed my dog on the head and said goodbye. 

I got in my car and I hit play on my phone.  And I played Rivers and Roads. And I thought about those off season trades. That's why those words were perfect, because today three of those trades were back in town and I had a drive and a ferry and a walk... rivers and roads until I reached them, and this day. The lyrics could not have been more fitting. I missed seeing their faces around the stadium like hell. Especially, and I know you will all be deeply shocked by this... Haley Kopmeyer. I appreciate her greatly as a soccer player, probably even more greatly as a human.  And what did I want exactly for this day?  What I felt Kop deserved. A clean sheet, a save of the week, and a really super day starting in goal once again in Memorial Stadium.  And then I got really brave. Because I already had a pitch side table, and the opportunity to volunteer, and I was already asking the universe for quite a lot. It was scary to openly want and ask for some kind of interaction with Kop.

 Because when I am honest, that's what I miss the most about having her around Memorial Stadium. She would get there early, and we would be in the middle of lifting some stupid heavy thing up the stairs and she would wave and say hi. Or I'd be down in the fan zone making sure my friends kid got all the autographs, standing three people back  and she'd give me a fist bump. She's good at connecting with people and making them smile. Its nice to have people like that. We still have that on the team... Bev Yanez  that I did the Ride thing with is like that too.  But it always really meant a lot and made all the hard work I was doing volunteering more fun and less of a chore. Like I said... we work REALLY hard on game days.  So I finally dared and just admitted to my self that I really wanted that, and let myself hope, and risked being crushed. 

Once on the ferry at 8:45 AM  I ran upstairs to the galley and got the best breakfast I could. I knew I was going to need to fuel my body well for what Brynn would have in store for us.  There weren't a lot of options, but I grabbed a cold brew (because I love my coffee cold) a bagel and an egg. I was really really excited when I found out they had a toaster for the bagel. I am a recovering germaphobe, so communal toasters make me cringe. But I braved it, and I did not die. The toaster ended up not working on my side- it had four slots.  I figured this out when the lady next to me's bagel finished toasting and mine was still cold. So I took her side when she was done, and we had a good laugh about it.  

At this point, I've set my intentions for the day, and I'm staying 100% in the moment already. I'm done looking ahead and hoping. I already put that out there, now we just focus on one thing- Connection. to the world around us, and to other humans. Including the other bagel lady.  I went outside and I was going to sit in the sunshine on the deck and eat my food and enjoy the scenery, but it was freezing cold. so I went to the sheltered part of the deck out of the wind, and I decided that if this was going to be the most Mandi day I ever Mandi'ed it would be truly epic and I needed to capture every moment. So the instagramming of my breakfast began.  

When I finished my meal we were nearly to Seattle, So I put in the headphones Bev Yanez had given me, and decided since that was the day that started the journey to this day we'd better take a picture and acknowledge that and thank her for it, so we hit Instagram again.  I listened to the Head and the Heart one more time, and as the boat pulled into the dock I switched to my indoor soccer play list.  And Macklemore started to sing Excavate.  

"Fill my lungs up, pour my heart out, peel my bones away. Grab my window, shut my shutters, excavate my pain. If I could read the world my notebook and these thoughts in it, would they judge me or love me for what I've written?  Tryna get closer to spirit that enters the body. It's the vessel like I'm not in it. In 50 something years, I won't be here. There'll be a kid with some headphones covering his ears. Walking 'round a hallway, dreaming of ideas. Finding himself in the sounds 'cause music is a mirror. What you looking for? What you headed towards?  What's your name worth when they mention yours?  When you leave here are you stepping forward? Can you remember your intention when they question yours? they're gonna question yours, they're gonna question yours. I've been at rock bottom and I'm headed north. If you don't love yourself, what's the respect for? If you don't love life the check won't correct yours. Excavate."  

9:45 AM- Seattle, WA 

Slowly I zombie marched my disembark of the ferry, and hit solid ground. It was time to get to work. Time to hit the ground running. Literally. 

I'm Not Fine: Part 1, Malibu

Hello dear friends. I have been horrible at writing, so today I am going to start a new series of post that I have been intending to write, but didn't have time to write for the past month.  This is series will all have a similar start to the title- "I'm Not Fine."  As per my usual, I'm probably going to drop all of them today, and you can binge read or you can pick away at it. I'm like Netflix.  😉

I was sitting in my office on  a  cold, grey, wet and depressing Friday afternoon in April earlier this year, when I was suddenly hit with an awareness of a deep need to get the F out of the rain and find a sunny beach somewhere.  I knew in this moment I was not fine, and I needed to do something, anything  to get me to that beach.  I remembered one of my best friends lives in Southern California, and I had never just gone to visit her. I decided I should at least look into visiting her.  I started looking up airfare to go visit her. It was do able. I texted her and she had just started a new job, but magically we had a weekend that worked for both of us and it was only a week away.

This is not a choice I would usually make. On a whim, at the drop of a hat. Without a real plan. Just go. Just make it happen.  But I did. And I did it because for the first time in 9 years, when that Seattle sun deprived April feeling hit me, I recognized it for what it was. I recognized and acknowledged I wasn't fine, and I was willing to act.

Now, as I put all of this together, I also recognized that I have a level of support and privilege that is currently making something like this possible where it previously wouldn't have been.  Moving in with my friends has opened all kinds of opportunities to me that I just wouldn't have been able to manage before so I felt incredibly humbled and grateful for that. 

Also, I have been using a meditative journal a friend published called "Aligning with Joy" which has helped me become more self aware, and more open to pursuing opportunities that are before me. These changes in my life have hinged greatly on these two things.

Fast forward.  April 21 I was sitting on an airplane flying toward my best friend and a beach and I made a decision to read a book that that friend had suggested. "Stop Saying You're Fine" by Mel Robins.  When my friend suggested this book, she told me it was life changing and I should read it.  I bought it, and then it sat on my table for two or three months. I decided this plane ride was the time to start it.  I'm not going to spoil the book. It was life changing and you should read it.

The biggest thing I got from the part of the book I read on that plane ride was that my brain was in fact trying to defeat me and all my great ideas. I looked back over previous months. I had done some pretty incredible things, but every time I had had an amazing, empowering, actually on the ground change things idea my brain would tell me it was stupid. I would push through, make it happen any way, but "the chicken" and "the jerk" as she called them would take over and make me feel pretty horrible for trying.  Thanks to a lot of amazing people encouraging my "stupid idea's" and telling me they weren't stupid, I pushed through and didn't give up. 

Just gaining the insight from that book about why that kept happening gave me a power to fight it. which has proved to be pretty important.  So I landed in LA, and my friend and I went immediately to a mall where I proceeded with my plan at the age of 36, to by my first ever bikini.  Which absolutely terrified me, but I knew that was all the more reason to proceed and do it.

We went straight from the mall out to Venice Beach.  I changed my clothes in a bathroom, and we walked out toward the water.  It took me a few minutes to get brave, and warm enough, but eventually I took off my tee shirt and let my bare midriff experience its first moments of sunshine probably since I was a super little kid.  It was scary. I was self conscious.  Eventually I started to notice all sorts of body types and builds wondering around midriffs exposed and my confidence built. 

The tide started to come in. We took a quick wonder down to the ocean,  and then ran back to the car, grabbed our shoes and started to walk the street by the beach. I heard prophets proclaiming- well honestly I have no idea what. I saw artists, and musicians, and cool murals.  People on a bike path, on bikes, on roller skates/ blades, skate boards, Segways, scooters.

My favorite moment was when this really cool couple on a tandem beach cruiser bike pumping out the coolest hip hop jams passed all these geeky white guys  on Segways. It was hilarious, and I loved it so much. 

Later that night my friend and I went to a hot yoga class. The entire Purple Rain album, plus Prince singing  Nothing Compares 2 U.  I have never sweated so much in my life.  It was an experience. My body amazed me, in what it was able to do. My fitness has improved a lot in the past months, but I don't usually do much yoga.  I did an OK Job keeping up. I have never sweated that much in my life. I don't like getting sweaty, and I don't usually get very sweaty even when i do manage to break a sweat. Mostly my body just gets really red to cool down.  I had buckets dripping off of me in this class and it was such a new feeling. At times, unpleasant, but not as bad as I had thought.

Something about that class, about going through a whole music album, It changed my thinking a bit. A bout the power of our stories. of  telling and staying with one whole aspect of something for an uncomfortably long time. The class went faster than I thought it did. When it ended, I was surprised it was already over.  I was surprised that it wasn't as hard as I had imagined it would be. And there was a powerful connection that happened with that music.

The next day we went out to Malibu.  I was very excited about this because I have been listening to Miley Cyrus' new album a lot, and Malibu is one of my favorite songs on there. On the way out we listened to Snoop Dog, and Tom Petty, trying to get in tune with the right vibe of the place. But the last song we played was Malibu.

"I never came to the beach or stood by the ocean. I never sat by the shore under the sun with my feet in the sand but you brought me here and I'm happy that you did. 'cause now I'm as free as birds catching the wind.   I always thought I would sink, so I never swam. I never went boatin', don't get how they are floatin' and sometimes I get so scared of what I can't understand But here I am, next to you the sky is more blue In Malibu... We are just like the waves that flow back and forth. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and you're  there to save me and I wanna thank you with all of my heart. Its a brand new start, a dream come true. In Malibu." 

That song described so much of what I was feeling and experiencing on this trip. Its true, I've never just sat on a beach in the sun enjoying things until this trip. I've been to beaches, a couple of times. but we rushed them. This one I savored. The entire point of the trip was to be on a beach. So I was. And I saw amazing things like two puppies playing, and little fish and crabs in tide pools. And I got brave, and not only did I wear that swim suit in public, and not feel ashamed about myself- twice. I posted a picture of it on social media, because it scared me.

Those two days were about connection, with the world and humans around me. With my best friend. With the beach and the sun. With the food we ate. With music. I did things that scared me, and they were exactly the things I needed.  And though I went home and got a little sick from too much sun and too much heat, I still wouldn't change it. They were exactly the two days I needed to start approaching my life differently. More boldly. More honestly.  To admit when I am not fine, and take a chance, lean in, and do something about it.  

A Day In The Life Of A Reign Volunteer

Hello.  it's been a while since I've writen, my dear old friends. Today I have decided to give you a glimpse into one of my favorite activities, volunteering for pre-game set up with the Seattle Reign.

I will be the first to own, that this is probably uniquely my experience of it, because no one else seems to be as Eddie the Eagle about it as me. honestly, I've always been a bit Eddie the Eagle.  let's call me Mandi the Mongoos instead.

Any way, this was the first day of my third season doing pre-game set up for the Reign, but I have been training for this moment (yes, you read right training) since the moment last season ended.

I've added some weight training, indoor soccer, stair running, as well as some backwards running on the treadmill for this. mostly because of the notorious Carter Subaru tarp, which has been a beast to move for me for two seasons previous.

honestly, it was probably 90% the memorial stadium stairs that did me in. but also, that tarp is heavy. in years past I finished that task with muscles cramping and wanting to just die in exhaustion after. I was a little nervous this morning, to see if I had done enough in the off season, or if I would be bested again.

My day started at 7 am. being the incredibly overly serious person I am, I started my day with a 20 minute headspace meditation on competition. followed by 10 minutes of journaling in my Align With Joy guided journal. this allowed me to set my intentions for the day- to be in the moment, enjoying infinite possibilities, rather than caught with my thoughts in the future or the past.

after that I did some foam rolling which I should have done three days ago, but I decided better late than never. then I put on my music. we started today with No Doubt. No idea why, I just woke back with Gwen Stephanie's Holler Back Girl in my head, and ended up on No doubt. 

I took a really long shower, and shaved  my legs, because I always feel better about life when I do. Monday I had 15 mins to get ready for my indoor game, and I refused to put on shin guards until I shaved. result, I rushed and took a huge chunk out of the front top ankle region of both feet. it healed by this morning, thankfully.

after that I ate a good breakfast, packed my bag for the day,  and very intentionally dressed for my duties. lots of layers.

after taking Nick for a quick walk, I said good bye to his adorableness and headed to the bainbridge ferry, 40 mins away.  On my way I listened to a song called the Curse, another called Roots, The Roof is on Fire, and then 20 mins of the Lumineers.

once on the ferry I took advantage of quiet time and studied for my abnormal psych class. Personality Disorders. fun times.

At 12:00 I disembarked the ferry, and Had 1 hr to get up the hill to memorial stadium, with probably a 20-25 lb back pack on. I decided to use the time to warm up, so I took the waterfront route, and did some warm up sprints and a few stairs at the sculpture park. 2.5 miles, 45 mins.

nothing compares to being at Memorial before people get there. it's my favorite. but getting there was a little tough, because I arrived at about the same time as the March for our Lives marchers.  to those that marched, thank you. I wanted to join, but the tarp made me decide it wasn't wise.

Today when we showed up, the Reign academy was playing some utah team (from all over, but mostly Layton. when I talked to some of the players, they said they had  a few from West Point- anyone I knows kids????), so the goals were already out.  I was sad, because putting the goals our is my favorite.

But this meant we got to go straight to the big show down. Mandi the Mongoose vs The Carter Subaru tarp.  let me tell you, my fitness level has improved vastly. I ran all the way up those steps. and my friend Brynn, who is incredible, ran up them with me. then we threw out that tarp like it was feathers, didn't even break a sweat. mission accomplished.

The rest of the day was spent setting up corner flags, flag pole flags, and all the games on the concourse, and lots and lots of signs and barriers. we had fun filling the bases with water and hauling them up more stairs, putting out programs, and even a couple of benches for the players on the field.

Then it was time to head down to the locker room the volunteers use and ger my big bag. I couldnt find it, but Vlatko (head coach) was there and  helped me find it and get on my way. hes a really nice guy.

on my way out of the tunnels I passed Barnes. this happens as a volunter sometimes. i always just try to be invisible, but the players always say hi. Lu was no exception greeting me with a cheerful hello,as i prepared to run off, up more stairs to the first and only time this season, I worked will call. it was freezing cold, but I mostly enjoyed it for once. 

before I knew it, 6 hrs had passed and it was time to hit the merchandise stand, to food stand, and take my place with my friends in the stands.

I sat in my old spot for the first half with my soccer buddy, then joined the supporters section and two people from my indoor team for the second half. I really love my indoor team, and I had a really really fun night with them tonight. it was great soccer. the Reign won.

The supporters awarded their first supporters player of the match to Michelle Betos. All the players came over to the supporters section for it. Lu Barnes saw I was wearing my finding euphoria beanie, so her me and Bev  Yanez got a selfie for there former teammate, now in Orlando who owns the brand.

then my teammates, my friends and myself walked to the ferry, ending the most satisfying home opener I've ever volunteered for.

I'm just getting off the ferry now and I have a 40 min drive ahead of me.  I've put in about 28,000 steps today, a huge chunk of that involved running and stairs. I'm ready for sleep, and Macklemore for the drive home.

I Found Peace

For months now, I have wondered, what will happen on the day I set foot in Memorial Stadium again? Will I cry? Will I be sad? Will the magic be gone, and in its place only the ache and longing for 'the good old days?'

Today was that day. I am shocked it came so soon. It shouldn't have. The first home game that the Reign have in Memorial Stadium is March 24th. Their first game, technically, is a pre-season opener against UW , at UW soccer stadium this Thursday. 

So last night when one of my friends DM'ed  me on Twitter and asked if I wanted to go to a closed scrimmage between the Reign and Washington State University, I decided to make this happen. To have my moment with memorial, and not have it in the middle of a crowd sounded ideal, heaven sent. All my fears, all the emotions and the chance to confront them, and sit with them rested upon me all morning.

When I woke up, I felt like I have been too lucky, the universe has thrown too much good my way, and it scared me. I seriously thought for a moment, that with this much good happening in my life, surely it means something terrible is coming and im going to die in the next year of cancer or something, because this much good just cant happen to me.  And  the  I did my Align With Joy gratitude journal.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1979442649/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_IfYMAbJ9C11Y1

By the end of the journal I felt like I had been wrong. Good things are happening because I am inviting them to happen, and I am open to opportunities that present themselves. I met my friend that invited me today through my time volunteering with the reign last season. If I hadn't put myself out there, today wouldn't have happened.  If I hadn't taken the chance, and made the effort of saying yes to my friend and orchestrating last minute arrangements last night, it still wouldn't have happened.

When I finished my journal I decided to get up, take a shower, do my make up and hair, put in contacts, and wear clothes that make me feel confident. I prepared to have a magical experience, and I fully expected on. So it happened. But it almost didn't happen.

At 8:25 my friend dropped me off the ferry. At 8:35 they announced that sailing was cancled. It would be cutting it close to drive to the other ferry, and driving around was cutting it close as well. I felt hopeless for a minute, like everything I had worked for had just been shut down by fate.

But I had to get there, and I had to have this moment. When my friend came back to get me, I asked if it would be possible to drive me to the bainbridge ferry, if we went straight there, we could probably make it in time. I was fortunate, and he could, and was willing. I could not have done this today without him. I think that's an important lesson, always ask for help when you need it. Always.

I made the bainbridge ferry with about 10 minutes before they started loading walk-ons. I put in my music, and started to do my reading for psychology class. In it I read that music, and hugs can increase dopamine in a similar way to certain drugs. I decided then that I should listen to the latest macklemore album while at the game.

Memorial Stadium being my church, Gemini is my Hymns. 

I had to take a Lyft to get to the stadium on time, but I did it. I sat with friends and we talked through some of our pain and sadness, and we experienced a renewal of the magic. I will still be fine in Memorial this year. What I found, sitting there watching  the very new Reign team and being in Memorial Stadium was peace with what had happened and what was before me.

And that may have been influenced by the music I chose. The first song I played there was 'Excavate'  and one of the lyrics in the chorus is "I found peace".

At the end of the game we had a chance to chat with two of the players that I met at the Ride with the Reign event. I was surprised that they seemed to remeber me and our hour or so chatting as well as I did. And that was pretty cool.

So, I think, even though there will always be things about this off season that make me a little sad, things and people I will always miss, I am at peace now. I am ready to create the things I have been asked to, and to help bring the magic in every way I can, not only for myself, but for as many as come to memorial stadium.

I'm already signed up for another year of volunteer set up before the games, and I am excited for the season that is ahead of  me at last.

One final note on players today, it was incredible to watch Jasmine Spencer play in person. She is one of our trade ins  from Orlando, and she was a joy to watch.

And now I will leave you with the words to another maclemore song on the album Gemini, 'Ain't Gonna Die Tonight':

"I ain't gonna die tonight
You can't kill me, not my spirit
History is ours tonight
The people are chanting, can't you hear it?
Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh

Open up the doors on 'em, we playing tonight
Bring on the marching band and turn on the stadium lights
They gonna learn from me, this is our church to be
Life of a champion, ugh, so Freddy Mercury"

La Petite Mandi: Risking Tears, The Price of The Color of Wheat

Last night I didn't think I was feeling up to a movie with my movie HusFriend (this is our new made up name for our movie watching buddyship) but I really did want to see 'Call Me By Your Name' So I went any way.  I've been a super on the sad side of things since Monday when a whole bunch of my favorite soccer players got traded. I was sad they were going, but even more than that, as it reached the point nearly half our team were gone, and our old coach, it felt like everything I had grown to love and become familiar with with the Reign was being mercilessly torn from me at once.  I had decided to sit with those feelings and just let them be, but I also was feeling a little bit of shame for feeling that torn up over soccer players, and a soccer team.

I am incredibly glad that I went to 'Call Me By Your Name.' At the end of the film the dad gives this epic speech that was so validating and life changing for me. 

He said   "In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don't snuff it out, don't be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we'd want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!"

I don't remember anyone every giving me permission to feel things like that before. I sat in that movie theater and grabbed my friend Rick's hand and just cried. It resonated so deeply with me, having a moment to just sit and remember life defining experiences and people that have helped shape and change you, giving them a proper place, so that you are prepared and able to properly let in new people and new experiences. 

It was something that I had been trying to put words to and explain to another friend, that was concerned about new soccer players coming in not getting the welcome they deserve because everyone was so heartbroken about those leaving.  But to give the new ones a proper place, we must also give the old ones a proper moment. As I have looked at threads of Orlando fans and seen some express such sorrow and rage about their old players going, what I see are people who have created ties, who care, and who have invested. I have no doubt that they will take care of my players I care about because they invest and they care. 

This morning, When I went to work, I was determined to do what the dad said in the movie. To feel my pain, my anger, my sadness, to remember the joy, and experiences that brought me that pain, to face it down and not be afraid of what I might find. So I started the day listening to a lot of Green Day, because that is where I was angry, sad and alone.  By lunch time  I realized that I needed to go outside and I needed to go for a walk. At this point, I was starting to remember the words of the wisest book I have ever read, The Little Prince, By Antoine De Saint-Exupery.  

"And when you are consoled (everyone eventually is consoled), you'll be glad you've known me. You'll always be my friend. You'll feel like laughing with me. And you'll open your window sometimes just for the fun of it... and your friends will be amazed to see you laughing while you're looking up at the sky. Then you'll tell them, 'Yes, it's the stars; they always make me laugh!' And they'll think you're crazy. It'll be a nasty trick I played on you...  And it'll be as if I had given you, instead of stars, a lot of tiny bells that know how to laugh..."   

And the I thought of when the Little Prince was about to leave his friend the fox.  How when it was time for the Little Prince, to leave  he said "I shall weep."  and the Little Prince told him, basically that he never meant to bring him sorrow. But the fox told him it was worth it "because of the color of the wheat." which was the color of the Little Princes hair, and would always remind the fox of his friend. 

Thinking of this, I knew that I had to take a very deliberate walk in my own 'wheat field'. Haley Kopmeyer (Reign goalie) left me a gift that I will never cease to treasure. When I first heard word of the transfer, I thought this was a curse, that it would just remind me of how sad I was, until today. You see, two Stops With Kops episode were filmed right by my work.  In fact, in one of my most sacred places on the earth, and has been since I moved here nearly a decade ago.  Stops With Kops were some short YouTube videos that helped introduce the world to some of the soccer team in a non-soccer setting. I highly recommend watching them if you haven't, even my non-soccer friends adore them. 

So this wheat field I had to walk in was metaphorical. It was to go take a walk to these two stops, very intentionally and deliberately, feeling my feelings as deeply vulnerably as I possibly could, remembering that this would be my 'field of wheat'.  As I walked I felt such deep peace and connection to my surroundings. It shocked me, because I didn't feel sad or angry any more. I began to be consoled, and it began to be a gift. I had a few tears build up in my eyes, but for the first time in days they weren't angry or hurt, or afraid tears, they were peaceful tears, and I laughed a time or two, and people may or may not have thought I was strange or crazy. 

But as I walked a new question began to pop into my head.  How did these soccer players come to matter so much to me? Its not like we were friends. They didn't really know me, I didn't really know them. How did this happen?   In the Little Prince it talks about creating ties. In the original it was said "You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed"  tamed meaning 'to create/establish ties'.  The fox also teaches the prince that it was the time he spent on his friend(the rose)that made his friend meaningful and important to him. 

I thought about this, and I had to wonder how I had managed to create ties deep enough to care this much. It wouldn't come from no where. I thought about my first time at a game, I wasn't invested at all. I sat in the supporters section and I felt lost, I didn't know who anyone was on the field or in the bleachers, but they seemed to know. by the end of the game it started to mater to me. There was some person named "Fishlock"  that was the first name that stuck, easy to remember. She seemed important to them.  I loved being there, so I came back for more. I went for about 4 games and then decided I needed to get season tickets for the next season. 

The next season I saw a request looking for volunteers to help set up the stadiums on game days. by this point, I just wanted to do anything I could to help this league survive. They were really amazingly talented players, and this thing needed to be seen and respected by more people. So I volunteered. I mostly worked up in the retail area, setting up the clothes. I got to know the people there, I started to make friends. I became more invested. A time or two I helped set up the field. I learned about the effort it took to put out the goals, and to unfurl the advertising tarps.  The volunteer coordinator left at the end of that year, and I was as sad for her to go as I was anyone that retired or was traded at the end of the season. 

 I also had made a friend from Kuwait that year. The entire season I sat with her in our spot. It was an amazing spot. She always went to the fan zone after the game. I had no desire to go there, I didn't want to be  some uncool adult waiting around for autographs from soccer players, and I also just didn't feel comfortable taking up these players time or chatting with them. My friend from Kuwait did though. So after every game she drug me down there, and I stood back while she shared laughs with these people as they signed her shirt, or her flag.  I was impressed at how down to earth they were, how willing to engage and connect with the fans. I started to let the players into my heart a bit. It started to become personal. And I started to bring more people with me to games. We grew to a group. and then my friend went back to Kuwait, and my girlfriend and I broke up. The season ended and I found myself very alone going into the next one. 

I bought season tickets again, and hoped it would be as magical as the first full season. I no longer had friends to go with me, but once again opportunities to volunteer came, and I took my season ticket and gave it to different friends so I would hopefully not have to sit alone. I found that some of the retail people I knew the year before were around again. I also found I that the new match day experience coordinator was actually pretty awesome. I quickly started to make more friends among the volunteers as we worked side by side on game days, moving heavy things, and setting up the field. 

We would pass the coach or some of the players on the field or in the locker room as we went about our day. I always just tried to keep my head down and do my job, and stay out of their way. Every so often I would be completely disarmed with a hello, or a wave. I started to care even more. Stops with Kop came out, and through it the community started to know who these players were. It connected us, I think in a way that hadn't happened before. It was easier to get friends to come to games, and when they did I remembered how going to the fan zone with my Kuwaiti friend had "created ties" and made it a very personally invested experience for me.  I decided even though that still wasn't really my thing, that I would copy her example and try to share that special experience with people I brought to the game.  

The strange thing was that it usually made it more special for me doing it that way, and it continued to create and deepen ties to the team, to the stadium and surprisingly to other fans. I had some amazing conversations with complete strangers down there "fan girling" it out together.  I also had a few moments from a new volunteer roll. Hesitatingly I agreed to help out with will call a few times this year.  I met some of the players family and friends this way. One of my volunteer friends was always chatting and friendly with some Australian that knew one of the players. At first, this was a player I really didn't even care remotely about. 

I remember thinking Who is that? and why should I care? but every week as my friend got excited to talk to this woman about their Finding Euphoria shirts, it just made me curious. I would think "Who is this 'Nairn'?  If He thinks these people and their shirts are so great, maybe I should also get to know more about this. So I did. I started to follow people more on social media. Some of the players were very interactive. I eventually bought a Finding Euphoria shirt, and then I started to learn the meaning behind it.  

As I walked around today and realized that the reason I have been sad, and scared and crying  over some soccer players, a coach, a team, a stadium, who should probably be nothing and no one to me, it was because of the time I spent on those players, that coach, that team, that stadium. 

 Game by game,  heavy gate by heavy gate, smile by smile, Stop w Kop by Stop, every goal, every game won, every game lost, every tweet read, and every tweet they replied to, every smoke bomb, every taco I ate, every chant I tried to join in with I "spent time on (my) rose"  and it became important to me. They became important to me. 

In the off season, I finally broke down my resistance and through twitter had become friends with the Royal Guard, the supporters group. That started to happen as I helped one of my volunteer friends hang Tifos before games, but twitter sealed the deal. I don't remember how it happened, but there was talk of needing/ wanting more player specific chants. So I invested some more of my time and my heart and I wrote a bunch.  Perhaps part of why I cried is that now we don't get to use most of those (if any of them were even good enough to use) because the players are gone. 

When it came down to it today, I found peace in my walk because I realized that the reason I couldn't yet support the new incoming players in the way I wanted, was because I know that to do that is to create ties.  And to create ties is to risk tears. In the midst of those tears, I was afraid to take that risk again, because I am in the middle of pain,and tears, and it scares me to put that much heart into it again. 

But as I walked in my "field of wheat" over to the Top Pot, and over to the water front and the aquarium, I heard what the Little Prince would have called the singing of the desert pulley. I saw the wheat of the Little Princes hair, I remembered, that you are forever responsible for the things your create ties to.  And I remembered that the Little Prince left in the end, but that it was OK because of the gifts he had left behind for the aviator. I saw those gifts, in my most sacred Seattle spot.  

As I hit the water front, it was no longer just the Stops with Kops moments I saw around me there, I saw my ex-fiancee and the night we had got back together after our first break up, the moment she held my hand, and the many beautiful moments me and her daughter spent on that waterfront. I looked over to the Seattle Aquarium, and I remembered Corsie and Kop's episode there, then I remembered my own friends there. My friend Amanda having lunch with me, my friend Jon and I in the little touching tide pool area. My parents, on one of their visits.  All people I rarely see, but always I have these little things with me.

 I realized that moments of deep joy were etched in this area. And moments of deep pain. Months and months of coming to the water, just trying to learn to breath again after Brandi and I broke up, both the first time, and the second time.  All those days struggling with my religion and my sexual orientation, painful faith crisis that I sorted through on that dock. It was all there, all at once, and it was exquisitely beautiful and mine. 

In that second, a question was answered that I have been asking myself for the past months. Do I really want to volunteer again? Do I really want to go to these games any more? Do I want to be in that stadium again? It might be painful, it might be sad. It may remind me of happy days past, and it might not live up to that nostalgia. What if I go again and its all ruined and tears? 

In that moment on the waterfront, one of two sacred spaces I hold in Seattle, I realized that all I have to do when I get to Memorial Stadium this season is walk in that wheat field again. Let myself connect to it, both the joy, and the pain, and the sadness. In doing that, Memorial Stadium will always live in my heart, and in being in and connecting to those moments, my whole history with it, every tie created, every drop of sweat I gave it, its beauty can only grow.  And when it is gone, it will be a piece of my soul. 

As I was walking I thought of one more thing about the Little Prince. When he talked to the fox about HIS flower, the fox had him go meet with a whole bush of rose. I always thought perhaps he was a little unfair to them. Yes, he realized his flower was special in that moment, because he had spent time with that flower. But he was horribly rude to the other flowers and told them they weren't special or important at all. But they were. They were to someone, just not him. Why? because he was hurting so much over his own rose, which they reminded him of, that he refused to create ties with them. 

I have gained friends wide and far that are fans of NWSL teams (that's the professional Women's soccer league that the Reign are in.)  A lot of my friends didn't just have their favorite players transferred this season, they had their whole team transferred, and some (Boston) lost their team and all their players, staff, everything completely.  We now have some of their players on our team here in  Seattle. That is their 'roses' that they spent their time on, that they created ties to. They are important people to someone, even if they are not yet important to me.  They are probably amazing people.  So I am going to do what I hope others will do for those that became important to me. I'm going to open my heart again, I'm going to follow the rituals, and I'm going to create the ties.  

Game by game, heavy object by heavy object, tarp by tarp, chant by chant, goal by goal, loss by loss, win by win, fan zone by fan zone. I'm going to take a chance on a new coach, on some new players in an old stadium that means everything to me.  And I don't even have to question what it will be like to risk those tears, because I am still crying them for the ones I risked before. 

I have taken many people with me, to this sacred space Memorial Stadium. I plan to do so again. It was my dream, before all my favorite players were transferred, to fill my section at memorial stadium with my friends. It is still my dream. If you do not like soccer, come with me any way. JUST one game. Do it for the sake of human connection. I have brought many people that didn't like soccer. I have never had any of them leave the game not wanting to come again. Come with me. Just one game. I promise you, there will be a piece of magic for you if you will risk the tears. By the way, Fishlock is still there, and we all still think she's pretty amazing.

For my friends that already have risked tears, that have invested deeply in the this league, in this team, in players that are now scattered far and near, I say to you, lets do this again. Lets create some ties. The most important things are invisible to the eyes. They can be seen only with the heart. Lets bring our hearts, lets risk it. Slowly, game by game, we will gain the color of the wheat.  These humans are talented, and they are worth that risk. 

If you live in Utah, please go take a chance and go see Laura Harvey, and her team. They are other peoples 'Roses'  and since we are now far away, it would do us good to know they are being appreciated. If you live by any NWSL team, go to one game. Its the same thing. If you don't live by any check out one game of the week on Lifetime, or any games on www.go90.com when the season starts. If you live outside the US, watch on NWSLsoccer.com.  See if for just one moment, its not worth the risk that investing a little bit of your time can have. 

If you don't like soccer, and you really don't want to do any of this, I hope that you will get just one thing from this post. In life, change happens, and sometimes that is very hard. To have the things that we have created ties to feel distant from us can be painful. To have things change, can be painful. Let yourself feel it, and then when you are consoled, go take a walk in your field of wheat and remember. 

One last thing before I end this incredibly long post. As I walked today, I also thought of Phoenix Festival. This last season it didn't really connect for me, because I wasn't in a state of "Ashes" but this past week, I watched my team that meant so much to me basically finish burning to the ground. I sat in the ashes, and I lived there for a moment. Today I felt myself start to rise from that. I thought of Harry Potter, and that Phoenix tears have healing powers.  I realized that each time in life, when our everything burns to the ground, when change happens and we have to leave the past behind, when we rise again, we rise stronger because those past ties we created live in us and create those healing tears. 

Ever since my lunch walk, my tears have changed from angry, sad, painful tears, to healing tears. I feel that it was because of the process I went through to feel everything I felt completely and intensely, to let things burn and rage, and walk in that moment, connected and unafraid to face all the things, beautiful and painful as they were.

again:

"In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don't snuff it out, don't be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we'd want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!"

Mandi's Wild Week

Hello dear readers.  I know I haven't been writing as steadily lately. The truth is I only ever say something when I have something to say, and I didn't have a lot to say, until this week hit. And then I had too much to ever possibly say. But I have taken a lot of time to process, and I'm ready for the word vomit portion of sitting with my discomfort on a couple of things. So hold onto your hat, its gonna be a long one.

Last Thursday, I believe It was the end of the day and I was just sitting in my office working. I went to go take a walk break and take a look at my phone. A friend had sent  a message asking if I had seen Josh weed's post about getting divorced, and what my feelings were on it.  Quite honestly in that moment it felt like the world stopped and the floor dropped right out from underneath me. It was just hard to breath or concentrate, and I will get to why eventually.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had had plenty of conversations about the weeds, and I was over it. I had also had plenty of conversations about the Boston Breakers soccer team folding in the NWSL, and though upset, it felt beyond me so I was also over that. Finally announcements had been made and reality could be dealt with. I settled into a peaceful place of thinking most of the tumultuous NWSL off season was over, and I was ready to breathe a sigh of relief because even though Carson Pickett still hadn't signed, and that was odd, I felt mostly like things had settled and I could go back to having some comfort and security in my little soccer community.  Then I went for my lunch walk and checked my phone (I need to stop doing this? maybe? probably not.) and  not only was my favorite player being traded  two others that I also really liked were being traded. There was no amount of emotional preparation that could have made that moment any easier. The floor dropped out from under me once again, and my world was in chaos right when I needed it to be calm and stable.

The first thing I noticed was that these players were going to Orlando, which is my second favorite team, and if they had to be traded, the place I would most want them to go. I had feared they would go to Utah, which was probably my greatest fear of all. and this is where things will start to tie together.  I love my family in friends in Utah. I do. I am happy that you got a team. I was not happy that you got Laura Harvey from us. I was fine that you got Matheson, because very funny twitter banter came of it.  But I have a lot of feelings around Utah, and I would prefer that some of my favorite soccer players never ever get traded there, I don't care how great your facilities are.  I have a lot of reasons for that, most of them are personal, and there is every chance that without that personal history, my favorite players would be just fine there.  But I don't think I would be fine watching them be there, so selfishly I wish them to stay in Seattle or go to Orlando.  and I guess, even though I'm sad this off season has panned out as it has, and its not what I wanted, I'm glad Kop and Nairn are going to Orlando. that at least gives me peace. I can support that, and support them there, where as Utah would have been too big of a blazing dumpster fire of emotion for me to even think about.

This isn't a post about soccer, so I guess I better move back to the hard stuff.  Josh Weed. I love Josh and Lolly. I felt probably eventually they would come to this point and end up getting divorced, but I wasn't expecting it now, just like I wasn't expecting those trades to happen now. Did I ever mention  that I hate surprises?  yeah. I super do.

The first thing I felt reading Joshes post, was that he had nailed the pain and cognitive dissonance that comes with being queer and being Mormon. And I think when you are born into a religion there are always going to be things that you can't get rid of.  I will never be able to rid myself of Mormonism its woven into the tapestry of my being, even if I no longer believe the religious parts of it. There are things I just do, and ways I just react because of the Mormon within.  I am coming to appreciate the good and the bad of that.

Joshes words, kind of hit the nail on the head for the struggles I once went through, the pain, the  just trying to survive on until you can be "fixed" that constant feeling of brokenness. I have never forgotten that feeling, but reading joshes posts brought it back to life in a way I haven't experienced for three years. When I look back at it now, it was that incredible thing I somehow survived and I'm just happy to be happy, and to not be there any more.  I struggled a bit with reading the religious beliefs still in his view of events transpiring. Not because of any particular problem with that, but just because it reminded me of when I was there, getting different answers from  God than I was supposed to, and accepting the fact that following that voice might cost me friends, family, and the only community I had ever known. Church.  My safety net.

Also, in reading Joshes words, I saw my self, as I was once one of his clients, sitting in his office, and having him help me to a point beyond where he himself was. I can remember the moment that everything kind of shifted, the point where things went from me feeling like he was understanding and helping, to a point where he was not going to be able to help me any further.  This tangles into another part of the story, so you will have to wait just a second for it.

Before I read his post I saw friends post of their anger and hurt at Josh. I only understood what they were talking about after I finally saw and read his blog post.  and this is where things get super complicated for me.

In 2012 when Josh and lolly wrote there original "Coming out post"  I was a re-closeted super hard core trying to be a good Mormon girl who started to have all her efforts crumble. Despite feeling "confused" from elementary school, all the way through college and a mission and college again, about why I would like women, when I knew I wasn't "supposed to" was mostly a frustrating and depressing experience that I was able to scapegoat off  on to grieving over  a string of friends dying in car accidents.  It wasn't until 2008 that I got smacked so hard in the face with my queerness that I had to just finally own it.  But I was a good Mormon girl, and it scared me, so I tried to process it and run away at the same time, because I was afraid what it would cost me. I thought it would cost me everything. dang. them were dark times.

In 2009, I had "repented" for  being me, and tried desperately hard once again to fit into them boxes that I was supposed to and didn't. I pulled it off  for about 2 years, blaming all my "gay thoughts" on the media.  Oh, Book of Mormon Musical.  Sorry. but the song "Turn it off" Wasn't lying.  and I tried that whole "take the box that's gay and crush it" approach.  Let me tell you, that doesn't work, and its deadly to try. Nothing made me feel more distant from myself , from my own person, from my own likes and dislikes, and interests than those two years.

Thankfully, we had some lovely gay ladies come join the singles ward when I was in the relief society presidency. and It was in watching, working with, and trying to keep them active in the church that I realized I was fighting a very losing battle in keeping this deep shame filled secret to myself. Eventually I came out to myself, to a hand full of friends, and then read Brene Brown and discovered the power of vulnerability that revolutionized my life and made me a bit more shame resilient.  It was right around this time that Josh Weed wrote his post. I know many of my friends got beat up by his post, and I am sorry for your pain, and for the family members that made things harder for you.

For me, that post possibly saved my life. It gave me enough hope, when I wasn't ready, and didn't have the support system even if I had been, to venture out away from the safety of "the gospel" and the LDS church.  Josh gave me hope. Hope enough to live, hope enough to open up, hope enough to start talking and stop hiding things inside and silently dying.  Since he was in my state, I went straight to him for counseling.  Some one once asked me if he did conversion therapy. Not at all. Everything he did was give me tools from a healthy clinical perspective to start to take ownership of my life, and even to love those parts of me that I had hated and  feared and buried so deep.  For the first time in my life, I started to feel like I could breathe a little, I could exist a little.  It was still hard, and not working at all for me to be dating guys at church.  Josh helped me realize that it was OK to not date them, and to not get married, but to listen to myself and what I knew I needed. It was particularly trying because I am bisexual, and I really wanted to force it to work so I could check all those important boxes and quite feeling like a broken second class citizen - by that point transitioning to a family ward.

Eventually, both josh and lolly, and myself separately participated in something called "The voices of hope project"  basically a testimonial of queer Mormons talking about how they were making it work. each of our stories came out painful and tragic, and were used often (though that wasn't my intent) to tell other gay Mormons that if they weren't sticking  with the church they were doing it wrong.  I still feel really bad about that. even though I pulled my video years ago.  I saw it being done even on some of the comment threads about my video and that hurt. I may never have reached the fame level of Josh Weed, nor did the damage he did, But I know there were at least a few people who got hit with my story and my "example"

I don't completely regret that though, because I did make friends with a wonderful and complete stranger from another country because of it, and I believe I remember her telling me it gave her hope. its a two edged sword, and really its just a part of my journey that I chose to share with the world. At the time I was as honest as I could be, with the world and with myself, just as josh was.

However that moment was the beginning of the end of that road for me.  I went home to film it at Christmas, and I have never forgotten my dad telling me as I was leaving for the airport to come back to Seattle, that I shouldn't air my dirty laundry, that I shouldn't talk to or associate with "Those people" (gay Mormons). Because I would become an apostate.  The thing that hurt the most about that, was that here I was just trying to stay a live, just trying to get my family, anyone to understand what I was going through, to be less lonely, to just as Josh  said in his post- SURVIVE. because that was all I could do. Survive. But my dad couldn't even take a second to try to understand because this was too scary for him. 

I didn't go home from that trip offended. I went home from that trip with a deepening understanding. I was sacrificing huge pieces of myself, barely staying alive trying to find a way to survive and still make God and my family happy, and pleased with me.  It wasn't working, my very best efforts had failed. And I realized I was coming to resent them. All of them, for making me feel trapped and suffocated in this little box that just was never going to fit me.

Then I had a dream one night. At the time I considered it a vision from God. I would still say it was one of my deepest connections with self and the universe. It was a dream that gave me permission to start dating women. To face whatever consequences came with that, but a clear message "from God" that it was OK for me to do so. It changed my life, and that was about the moment where I had to take the bag of tools that Josh had given me, and start to face things on my own. I was done with counseling. I felt I had got all the help I could from it.  That moment was a spark that empowered me to own my own life, to make my own decisions. It was the beginning of true happiness and much less pain.

I still feel a lot of pain in Utah, because I know how I make my family feel. I know I can never do what they need me to do to make them feel at peace with their God and our family status. I know I can never be  the "good daughter" again, and I loved being the good daughter. I will always be some form of rainbow sheep. I know that when I find another girlfriend, they probably will once again find little ways to shut her out and myself when I try to bring her in. I know that battle isn't going away, and  I feel that if it does it will be because my family and I walk away from each other, because I'm not having someone I loved treated as non-existent ever again, but they are always going to feel obligated to let me know they don't approve (with a few people as exceptions).  I'm not being relegated to separate spaces and rules "for the sake of the children" or whatever the hell.  I'm nervous for that day and that show down and I have no doubt it will come, as much as my family love me and have tried to be inclusive, its really hard to find ways forward when that battle is between you and their god.

The last part of this, I talked about when I explained my tattoo. I found a vibrant post Mormon group as a support community on my way out of the church. But the first non-Mormon community I found that gave me that sense of purpose and belonging  that I found at church, but actually much deeper than that, was through volunteering and going to Seattle Reign games, and some of those players that were traded, were a big part of making that team feel like that kind of a home to me. 

But here is the deal, and I know this. I am just taking a day to allow myself to sit with my sadness and pain at their going, and my sadness and pain at all the gay Mormon Josh Weed stuff. Change has to happen to grow.  Its scary, its hard, in the process it hurts. Other people going through it can drudge it up again, even after you think you are well over it. But, it usually gets worse before it gets better. And getting better for me is now recognizing that I don't get to try to control the universe with my thoughts and wishes and prayers. The story I get isn't ever completely written by me. I have somethings I can control, but most things I just have to accept and  find a way to work with or through them.  I no longer give unquestioning loyalty to leaders. So I'm gonna question the hell out of these trades. Its my job to do so.  But I also support women's soccer and the NWSL, so at the end of the day, I'm gonna support the players that are here, and still love the ones that have left, and made such a difference.

I have no idea where this all will go, the soccer, the weeds, my life. I'm kind of happy to not have to know and have that detailed of a plan any more. I'm excited to be in for the ride, but also a little scared.  Its weird because I own more of my own life, my own decisions, my own happiness, my own person than ever before. Yet I have given up on trying to control it. its a very subtle difference between the two. 

When Being Amazing Isn't Enough

I'm unable to sleep tonight, because I got lost in what one of my best friends calls the Forest of Feelings (it's from the Carebares Movie).

Right now I just have to sit here and be amazed at how human I am and appreciate how beautiful that is, because if I don't I'll just get really upset again.

I've had a lot of insights over the past few weeks about how far I've come in my life, how much I've over come in my life, and how much I am currently  thriving.

And I know I come from a really privileged place, and I have had support and communities making all this possible for me all along. So I'm also super greatful for that. 

Part of it is that I am taking yet another psychology class right now. And as I do my reading assignments and homework, it's forcing me to look back at where I was even two years ago, or a year ago. Religious beliefs that I feel, and I know some of you will disagree, massively held me back from being happy and thriving in life. And, relationships, that though I wouldn't trade them in my past, would be toxic in my present and future.

I'm doing all these amazing things right now, in my mid thirties. And I only plan to keep getting more amazing, and I have no doubt I can do it.

So when I think about that, on days like today, where it's still not enough. Where something just exists that makes me feel like that shy girl that never fit in anywhere, and was too afraid of her own shadow to do things, or to talk to the cool kids, it's just super weird to me.

It's weird to me how simultaneously I can channel my inner most awesome confident, happy person, who knows who she is, and what she's about, and at the same exact time im feeling amazing, also feel like the shy weird kid that doesn't fit anywhere and for whom nothing I do is ever good enough.

And I think that mix of emotions is probably why I couldn't sleep tonight. I talked to one of my friends about it, and he told me something he said to his boyfriend earlier.  "Sometimes I find myselfself in quicksand again and feel frightened and lost again, but I know it, and I see that I am getting out of it quicker and on my own more."

And hearing that, it just hit  me. Growing up that shy weird closeted queer kid in Utah, and into my early 30s even. I've spent my whole life getting out of quicksand too. And I'm pretty new to bring not in quicksand most the time. So if I feel it, even a little bit, I do get frightened, and panicked and scared that i'm  gonna have to be in that place again. That I will always end up back in that place. But then I know what quicksand feels like now, and I have the tools and support system to help me escape it quickly, and more independently than in the past. And that's pretty cool.

Anyway, I just had to share that. Even I, the currently confident and badass wonder I am have days I fall into emotional quicksand. But I'm not alone, and neither are you. And when we stay connected with humanity, and present, and reach out for help and love, it makes a huge difference.

I've noticed these times hit when I am vulnerable, when I've really opened myself up to new experiences and put myself out there. And I've been doing a lot of that lately. So I also have to remeber to pause and give myself time to come through that vulnerability hangover.

I am awesome, it is enough. I'm doing new things. It's ok to be a little frightened by it. And it's ok for you too.