Whats the bleeping point?

Im writing this from my tent. Im out camping, and im trying really hard to have a fun time, but im massively failing.

Last year, around this time of year I tried to push all my closest friends away. They didnt let me, and it started me of on the biggest year of change of my life.

In preperation for this camping trip, I went shopping for supplies with a friend. One of our topics of conversation was how much I have changed in the past year. She pegged it at about a 75% change in one years time.

I asked her if she thought I had changed for the better, and she did think so.

But lying here alone in my tent, I wonder if it is. Or maybe if it was too much too fast. Its been a hard year. Ive worked so hard and did so many  hard things, and Ive been blessed to have some amazing people come into my life.

I have one of the most supportive family wards a person could ever dream of, and an adopted family more loving and inclusive than i could have ever dreamed.

I had a miraculos and wonderful trip to Europe and was a part of something most amazing.

Dispite all this, Dispite the constant encouraging texts of love and support, Ive never felt more alone.  And dispite all the good changes Ive made, Its hard to see past all the short comings and failures i still have.

And so, just like all summer, the weekends i planned to have the greatest fun with people I love and care about Im alone, and it just doesnt seem worth the cost.

Im not going to give up, and Im not going to quit moving forward. Ill do the best I can to have a great time this weekend, but it all just seems so hollow.

I wish I were home, at least there I have a fuzzy white dog that loves me to bits no matter what I say or do. With him, Im never alone. Im never such a big jerk that he wont forgive me in an instant and go back to wagging his tail and being happy.

Maybe Ill become a dog lady. I think I piss people off too easy. Well, enough tears for one night. I have river rafting in the morning. Lights out.