I Out Thrift Shoped Maclamore, Lithuanian Style.

 well, today was another day in my adventures in Lithuania. I got a new Sim card for my phone, I bought lunch, dinner, bus tickets, and I did some thrift shopping, and I spent less than $20. Take that Maclamore. 

I spent under $2 on my new slightly used threads.  Ok, so I only bought a pair of pants and a sparkly purple belt- but I rocked that.  

  I intended to spend a lot more, but apparently the magnetic strip on my debit card is not working and I can't pull any of my money out. I am slightly frustrated about this. That is a major understatement. Despite that and the incredibly stormy weather we had today, I greatly enjoyed my time here. I practiced my bus surfing (standing up on a moving city bus) and this time I didn't fall on anyone like yesterday.  I ate cepelinai and kuldunai, and I drank an entire litre of juice, and a ton of water to help my kankles. I saw where I used to live, and didn't even recognize my apartment or the street it was on - except the Nykstukai ( dwarfs) they never change.  Even the  arch looked completely different, and the White Church. I felt lost in what used to be my home, and that was a very overwhelming feeling. If I was going to feel at home and recognize anywhere, this would be it. 

 Still, I got brave at some point, when there was no one left around to hold my hand and tour me around the city safely, and I ventured out (at the urging of Skaiste) and got a little lost, but eventually I found myself and my way back to the apartment I am staying at.  Its been a panic filled day, but in the end, Viskas Bus GERAI!!!   Its all going to be OK.  I did learn that my Lithuanian has stayed mostly intact. I understand people probably better actually than when I was here to begin with. How did that happen? since I haven't really had much chance to speak or listen for 7 years.  And, though my grammar is horrible, I am actually communicating better in Lithuanian that when I was originally here.  I spoke Lithuanian all morning, to a friend, and then I had to talk to a lady at a bank because my card isn't working, and we got it done. She gave me a dirty look when I asked if she spoke English. I'm not sure she really understood what the problem was, so its possible I don't speak well at all, but then I don't think I ever did speak well, at least I am less afraid to try now, and maybe that is all that matters. Tomorrow I visit the hill of crosses, then I tackle Kaunas.  Heres pictures as promised.

Oh Riga, Riga, Riga, Riga

Well, the good news is next time I am in Frankfurt airport I will know where to take a shower and get a massage. the bad news is it took me my whole 7 hr layover to find it, so i didn't get to enjoy that this time. I only found it because my flight moved gates.

 My excitement grew as all other languages including English and German faded away and I found myself surrounded by Latvian, Russian, and Lithuanian, which soon emerged again as English when the German staff started asking everyone what they wanted to drink, etc.  A troop of Latvian soldiers joined us on our flight. As our plane took off it sounded like one of the engines was stalling, which had me worried, then finally it went. It was a mostly smooth flight. Everyone clapped upon landing, and I cried, like a baby.

 I went into survival mode, got money changed, found a taxi and got to my friends house around 1am. We stayed up and chatted, then  I went to go to bed and discovered I had massive kankles.  I pulled off some of the stinky sweatiest clothes you've ever smelled, and put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and went to bed. It was warm, I slept without a blanket.   It was so nice to sleep laying down for the first time in about 48 hrs that I had no problem sleeping. The sun came up around 6:30 am, and so did I. I read my scriptures in Lithuanian, re organized my bag, then met my friends cute little two year old that looks just like my nephew Kaden. His name was sabastians, and he understands Latvian, Lithuanian and English. Pretty amazing kid, and loads of fun.

 As the day went on, and got hotter, I enjoyed the best yogurt and Ice cream in the world, went to the beach- via train. Chased a 2 year old around the beach, learned how to manoeuvre a stroller on a train, and a bus, got a sun tan/burn and had an amazing chicken curry sandwich which I will be posting in food wars, because I helped make it.  Then it got really hot and I took a nap and missed seeing old town Riga, but I saw some cool old places that were familiar by the bus station. I caught a van down to Lithuania. Its weird not having to get a stamp at all the borders any more. Now I am in Siauliai, looking for a day tomorrow of shopping and seeing the hill of crosses with my friend Jovita.  I am so happy to be back here with my friends, I can't believe I am here, it is like a dream.  Any way, its one am, and I have a busy day planned tomorrow. I will check in as I can. Good night!!  Iki

 Mandi

I lied,another post

Once upon a time in a land called chicago sat a pretty little princess who got too little sleep and ate crapy airport food all day.

The princess was traveling to a kingdom far far away to meet a magical butterfly with crazy awesome powers. The princess hoped the butterfly would teach her how to fly without having to wait in an airport or use travelsized mint toothpaste that caused her all sorts of unplesantness. 

And then she talked to a friend and it was so funny because she was really tired, and you know when your really tired, magical butterflies make you laugh not fly duh!!

Five hours down, two million to go

I dont know that i will do seven hour layovers on no sleep, staying in the airport ever again. Its about as fun as having someone rip your fingernails out one at a time. 2.5 hours sleep? What the crap was i thinking? Also, there has to be an alternitive to mint toothpaste in travel size, right? It just made my headache worse at first, but now my mouth is feeling itchy. Not worth it, i dont care how bad of breath i have. Just a little longer, i have to stay awake, then i am so sleeping on that plane. No annoying people had better sit by me.

Chicago o'hare

I am currently sitting at a charging station in the Chicago O'hare airport. I can tell im in an international type area because i've heard more forgien languages than I am hearing English. Strangely, there has been alot of russian. Plane must have just landed.

My flight here was ok. We got two beverage services, no penuts. Maybe they are watching out for people with food allergies now?  I have friends that would appreciate that.

Before I borded my last fight I met a lady from chicago originally that lives in Seattle. We had a nice chat, she was pretty excited to hear about my adventures. I wish i could have sat by her instead of who i sat by. I sat by an elderly couple that were kind of anoying and the lady kept sticking her book in my leg.

I didnt care, too much. I was practically in a coma the whole time, except when i woke up for my orange  juice.

The landing was quit bumppy, but i was happy because my childrens size earplanes did their job.

I have really narrow eustachion tubes (those are in your ear). So my ears dont equalize the pressure well on their own. Flying used to be really horrible, id get apain in my ear and not be able to hear anything for three days. (no yawning and chewing gum, which is usually mint, which i am allergic to did not help at all!!!)

Then one day, someone invinted this cool special ear plug called ear planes that help equalize the pressure. I still had mild problems, but it was much more tollerable, and i could hear. Then one day i tried the kids size. It was amazing, my ears now do just about what everyone elses do and i am a pretty happy camper, as long as i have my ear planes. 

So we landed. I watched a guy throw luggage in the cart and text at the same time. Now here i am, on the brink of my real adventure. Ill be in touch, watch for updates

Ten Things To Do While Waiting To Board Your Flight

You know, i slept about 2.5 hrs last night, but Im not sleeping right now, Ill save it for my flight. I didnt sleep on the airporter this morning either, I had too many thoughts. So, with an hour before we board, im kind of bored.  So what to do...

10. Read a book, newspaper, or something readable.

9. Buy some over priced food. I just got a $5 bottle of water, and a reasonably priced classic breakfast sandwhich at starbucks. I decided to pass on the salted carmel hot chocolate, for now.

8. Watch soccer on a laptop. I didnt bring my laptop, but the guy next to me did. Is it creepy of me if i join in his watching experience?

7. Call or text everyone you know and talk about how fun it was for you to get through security, thats what the girl sitting on my other side is doing.

6. People watching. Hello, you are surounded by interesting, odd, bizarre and sometimes annoying people. Thats entertaining.

5. Play the guess where people are from game. Hear a language, ooo its russian, ooo its spanish, are they russian, maybe latvian. Lets look at clues and deduce all we can.

4. Check in on facebook, tweet, see how many people like the fact that you are doing something they wish they were doing, leaving, from wherever to wherever.

3. Write a blog. You are reading one, so obviously you see the merit.

2.twiddle your thumbs. I actually see a surprising number of people doing this now.

1. Visit the airports WC (yeah, I just went all European on ya there), but after purchasing and drinking the expensive bottle of water, you're a gonna need to be peein', and if you are as clostraphobic as me, you'll wanna avoid the one on the plane as much as possible.

What the jeridites taught me about travel anxiety

« And it came to pass that the Lord did go before them, and did talk with them as he stood in a cloud, and gave directions whither they should travel.
6 And it came to pass that they did travel in the wilderness, and did build barges, in which they did cross many waters, being directed continually by the hand of the Lord.
7 And the Lord would not suffer that they should stop beyond the sea in the wilderness, but he would that they should come forth even unto the land of promise»  that was my scripture study today. Either chapter 2. Prepare for your journey, then trust the Lord to guide and protect you in it, and dont forget to pray.

In other news, i think rolling jeans makes them more bulky, not less.

Can I Leave Now?

My bags aren't packed, and Im not quite ready to go, but mentally, I'm already gone.  Less than one week till my vacation of the decade, and I feel so completely and totally drained. I just survived another Mothers day Sunday at church (also highly emotionally exhausting for me, no matter how you slice it) and that was the final nail in the coffin I think.

 I've done a lot of big, hard things this year. I've worked very hard on every aspect of my life. I need a moment to not work on anything, and that moment is coming up. I'm the kind of person that when I decided to do something, I go full board, and full out until I've got nothing left in the tank. We are coasting in on fumes right now,  so I think I will leave you all with one of my favorite french songs for children.

C'est Les Vacances       enjoy

The Bourne Wedding

 Tonight is one of those strange nights where I would like for a mixture of things to happen. I am tired, sore, possibly have some sort of heat related ailment. I'm hungry, but food sounds horrible. I would like to have people around, to interact with, but when I think about it, not really. I did five hours of yard work today, and I am exhausted.

 I went to walmart and bought junk food, - Greek frozen yogurt, Reese's pieces, and some frozen veggie pizza. I'm at home, in my most comfy PJ's, and now I have a dilemma. I need to watch a movie, and I can't decided if I want a romantic comedy- the wedding planner, where I can feel all sorts of nonsense about love, or do I want to watch three of the Bourne movies?  I thought of a great solution, they should make the Bourne Wedding, for those nights you want spy action, and violence, mixed with the fun and happiness of a romantic comedy. How would such a film work? I have no idea.

 So, since I can't watch the Bourne Wedding, as it doesn't exist, I'm going to watch the other Bourne movies and forget about the icky love stuff.  

The Importance of Knowing How to Fall Correctly

 In all the years that I have been a Figure Skater, there is one move and skill that I have received more praise from my coaches than any other- I fall well. It sounds like a funny skill to be proud of, but its probably the most important on ice skill that I have. Knowing how to fall correctly allows me to practice jumps and spins with little fear, and few to no (exception being when I am sick and skate then I fall wrong) fall related injuries.
Most of my skating injuries have been due to stupidity, I mean not being careful when my skates are newly sharpened, or when they are getting dull.

 On my mission, many of my companions were also highly impressed with my abilities to fall correctly, and they asked me to teach them by demonstration many times. OK that may have been just because it was hilarious to watch me fall repeatedly in the snow, but if followed my falling tips could save them broken wrists, and banged heads from falls.

 Today I was telling my counselor about this amazing falling ability I had, and he agreed that its very very important to know how to fall properly, not just physically, but also emotionally, and mentally. Maybe even to a degree, I would add spiritually.  You can't learn unless you make mistakes, on the ice, or in life. You can't grow if you don't learn.  If you learn to make mistakes in a way that minimizes damage to self and others, to testimony, or to relationships or anything else, then you can learn from life without destroying yours and others lives and having to rebuild them constantly.

 Learning to do this is something everyone has to figure out to some degree by themselves, but over the past year I think some tips for life in general  could be:
 1. Always be painfully and completely honest with yourself
2. Set Boundaries
3. take some time for you, and take some time to serve others. keep them in balance.
4. Read your scriptures, pray, and meditate daily, even if its one verse in the scriptures, and a quick prayer on the way to work.
5. Unplug from technology for at least a half hour every day.
6. Eat healthy, exercise, and get enough sleep as regularly as  you can.
7. every now and then, take a vacation.
8. Talk to someone, connect, get things out

That's what I've come up with for now. Add to it if you think of something, but If I feel my life starting to get out of control, that is what has helped me.

As for regular falling, here are my tips on that:
1. Tuck your head.
2. don't catch yourself with your hands, you risk breaking something. Tuck your arms, and try to land on the softer meatier part of your upper arms
3. Tuck and roll. (after the aforementioned tucking, roll out of the fall. It will take some of the momentum and energy out of the impact, so you wont hit as hard as if you just come straight down.
4. if you are coming down hard on your legs, bend your knees, and try to land on your toes rather than smacking your feet flat, and then if you are still going to fall after you land, tuck and roll.

 Good luck, and keep your stick on the ice. 

A Lesson From Alex

 You know, life is funny. One minute you are all excited planning a trip to Europe, then you get even more excited because you meet Elder Aidukaitas, who is Brazilian, but also in some ways, very Lithuanian.
Then the next minute you are talking to your grandpa on the phone, the one that is very sick, and probably not going to last much longer, and you are struggling to understand what he is saying because he just sounds so tired, and he is struggling to understand you.

 And you go  home, you cook amazing food, you do laundry, and you plan your trip a bit more and watch master chef without another though in your head. Suddenly its time to get ready for bed, and you take one last look at Facebook and happen to notice that a friend from your mission has passed away.

 Then you think about the moments when he was  a friend to you ( long after you got home from your mission) and cheered you up and gave you hope in a difficult trial. You think about how much seven years can change things, and you are astounded.  Frantically you have to search for your mission memory book, the one where all the members and some of your fellow missionaries wrote thoughts to you. You  have to find it, and you have to remember what he wrote. All you can think of was that he knew you liked to collect coins so he put a picture of a lat giving a fig that said "Neviens Lats" and you have to find that Lat.

 And you start reading every page, and the things all the people wrote, and you realize that you might not talk to most of them regularly, but you facebook stalk them occasionally because you still love them and you still care how they are doing, and you wish you could be more in touch. And then you think about your trip again, and you realize that the most important thing on this trip isn't the castles you will see in Ireland, its the people you will see in Latvia, Lithuania and Ireland, and you realized that  a silent nagging has been going on in the back of you head since the moment you left, begging you to return and visit again, not the castles or the war memorials.

 Not amber encrusted flutes, or woven book marks, or leather books. Not the marshrutes, or the food, or the street you walked, but the people who changed your life when you were trying to change theirs. The place that taught you who you were and what you were made of, and how possible it is to love everyone so much it hurts, and to never have that feeling completely leave or go away.

 There isn't a single one of you, member, investigator, person I talked to on the street, that I don't think of from time to time. I might not be able to remember your name, but I forgot my best friend of seven years name once, so that isn't surprising. But when I can see, or hear what has become of you  I am sad when life is not good to you, and I am happy when you are happy, and sometimes I am sad because I know you could be happier, but we are all human and lets face it sometimes we are all incredibly short sighted and stupid.  I hope you feel the same about me, I am also sometimes short sighted and stupid. its not a judgement, it doesn't diminish love, sometimes its hard to watch people struggle.    

 I am off track now. I want you all, my every friend, from elementary school to my dear friends in my family ward now and everyone in between to know how very very much I love each of you. If I have lost track of you, I still haven't forgotten you, and sometimes I'm so frustrated because I don't know how you are and I want to (yes you Hironori Yamagata!!! are you still alive ? I don't know!!)  

 To me, life is meaningless without people, and without love, the pure love of Christ type.  I love people, even the stupid ones (all of us are, some more than others.)  I don't forget you, even if I misplace you. I just want you to know that.

I found my memory book. It fell behind my bookshelf and got a bit busted up, but I thought what my friend Alex had written was pretty insightful and awesome, so I'll share part of it.

  "Sometimes life may seem unfair and cruel, and people around us may seem cruel  but don't forget it was never easy for anyone and you are no exception."  That is a true statement. Its actually  helped me a few times to put things in perspective. He then went on to thank me for my awesomeness, so that was a positive personal note,  and then he put a few pictures of himself and said  "I hope you will like these pictures and hopefully it will be enough for you to remember me."  

        Alex, It was enough ,I have never ever forgotten you.  I hope that those who have met you never do either.  And if it helps, Here is a picture.  You were a good man, we will meet again.

Heart Dont Fail Me Now

Its funny, how some morings you can wake up and see the hand of God so clearly in your life directing your path.

I know three thing this morning, I am where I am meant to be, I am doing what I am meant to be doing,and, I am being slowly moved in a different direction.

I dont really know what is on the path before me, but I have that feeling of change, like good things are a head of me, like things are happening for a reason, like in coming weeks my life could completely change, but im ready for it. 

And now I bust into song, courtesy of Anastasia, "Heart dont fail me now, courage dont desert me, dont look back now that im here. One step at a time one foot than another, no one ever mentioned fear..."

A Mighty Fortress

 Once upon a time, I had walls. Thick ones. Impenetrable.  This year, those walls are coming down, Berlin style, with sledge hammers and all, brick by brick, section by section.

 My heart feels a great deal of freedom that its never felt before, I feel a great deal of confidence in who I am that I have never had before. I have a deeper trust in my friends than I have ever had before. It all sounds like a good thing, and I think mostly it is. However, there is one small detail that I don't think I had ever imagined.

  When you go a whole life time, without trusting or letting anyone in, and suddenly you just knock huge sections of walls down and trust  a lot of people at once with something really really personal, you feel things that you've never felt before, and that is overwhelming and terrifying.

 All week long I've been super sensitive. If you look at me. Not if you look at me wrong, just if you look at me, I may cry. Its not PMS. Its called a vulnerability hangover, and this one has been of epic proportions. I've had a hard time not hard core pushing people away this week. It might not seem like it, but I have. Part of me feels really threatened that so many people now know so much about me.  My emotions are just so raw and completely un protected, and I am feeling them so fully, no numbing effect to hide behind (well, OK, maybe some oreos and a glass of milk, but that about it.)

 The good thing about this is that, I have a lot of friends who care a whole heck of a lot about me, and they have all really been there for me this week, just as I needed them, just when I thought I was so overwhelmed I couldn't handle one more second. Friends are really great things to have, and awesome people to trust, well, at least my friends are.  A mighty fortress was my heart, but not any more, those walls have been tumblin down.

 Anyone else who has walls like i did, it may be painful for a little bit, when you start to take those suckers down ,but its so worth it.  Bad things might not be able to get through walls, but usually, neither can the good things.

Me and the Liahona App, and the Battery of My Soul.

In the past weeks I have become more spiritually sensitive, meaning I can tell when I am using my internal «Liahona app» and when I am starting to wonder a bit again.

I am also finding that I am just more sensitive, and things like an angry mob type atmosphere drain the battery of my soul, and make my Liahona app start to crash on me.
Its then time to charge that battery, not wait until its really low and about to die. The only way to charge it is to read  and study the scriptures.

You know just like the battery on your phone, the more things you do in life, the more you need to recharge your spirits battery. And just like a phone, some activities drain that battery even faster. Then its time for the sacrament and/or a temple recharge on top of the scripture recharge.

Dont forget to plug in and charge your spirit today, or you could end up wandering and wasting time as you temporarily loose contact with heaven because your battery died, or your liahona app crashed.

What Is An Adult?

Different societies, cultures, religions, and individuals define adulthood differently. Over time those ideas have evolved even within particular cultures.  Some define being an adult by puberty, some by legal age, for some its when you get married, or have children. Maybe its when you move out and live on your own and can take care of yourself. For some you become an adult when you have sex, or for others, when you complete a mission, or some other quest or ritual.

 Those are all different ideas from different times, cultures, and generations. How do I define Adulthood? I don't know any more. I don't know how to put into words what it means to be an adult. I used to think when I turned 21 I'd magically feel like an adult. Then I thought when I came home from my mission. Next I thought I'd feel like an adult when I graduated from college, started a real job, and moved completely out on my own.  None of those things made me feel completely like an adult. I no longer felt like a teen, or a child, but even as I hit my thirties, I still didn't feel like an equal, like I was on par in adult hood with others my age or even younger.  I concluded I would not feel like an adult until I was married and had kids. 

 That thought is scary, because I may not ever get married and have kids. It might not happen. Does that mean I never become an adult in my own eyes? I mentioned these thoughts to a friend who then told me, that despite being married and having kids, he doesn't always feel like a full fledged adult either, he sometimes feels like he is just "playing house." 

 So what exactly is an adult? I don't know. But, I now finally feel like I am one.  This change occurred just over the past three weeks. I know what started it, I had a very difficult  and very personal moment with my parents, and with my brothers that kind of changed me. In that moment, I faced a fear I had been hiding from for most my life.  I put myself and my feelings and emotions completely on the line. A week later, I had a slight argument over some family business with my dad. I disagreed with him, I got what used to turn into a guilt trip. 

 But something strange happened, what used to make me feel guilty and obligated to change my opinion and put it in line with my families didn't. I stood by my decision, and defended it as the best and most prudent  course for me to take, and I didn't feel defensive or apologetic about it. It was my decision, and I stood by it.  

Other strange things have been happening, I have difficult tasks that have been needing to get done, and rather than waiting until I am forced to do them, I am just doing them. I am asking questions, making phone calls, and other crazy things, Not because I have to, but because I need to, and I am an adult so I can do it. Before I did things because I had to. 

 For example, I am looking into an number of Grad schools and programs. As I started this process, I got information very passively. After that moment when I became an adult, I started actively asking difficult questions that I needed to know the answers to, rather than just hopping I could inadvertently find out what I needed to know. 

 Only one thing has changed about me. I'm still kind of shy, I still hate talking on the phone, I still have things I have to do, that I would rather not do. The one thing that changed was,  that I really actually have confidence in who I am as an individual, as an adult.   

 Maybe the thing that each of us has to face that can give us that confidence is different. Maybe some will never find it. But I am going to say that that indefinable quality that makes one an adult is this mysterious self confidence that I found, a confidence that allows you to function at a higher level, and to do things you would have never thought possible before. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe that is just me. But I have the feeling that I am never going to feel like a second class citizen in the adult kingdom again. I feel like I've finally earned my place, and I belong.  No one can take that from me, and no one could have given it to me. I had to find it for myself. 

Feeling Lost, Lonely? This Post's For you.

This has been one of the oddest, most wonderful weeks of my life, and it all started on Fast Sunday, in Fast and Testimony meeting.

 I believe I was the last one up to bear my testimony. At the start of the meeting I had thought to myself,  you are going to end up their girl.  Then I thought  yeah, but I don't really have anything to say. 

The argument ended there. I really didn't. I felt incredibly blessed and taken care of, but completely emotionally drained due to personal conversations with my family over the past three weeks. To be honest, I've been more than a little depressed, and though I was fighting on, I just didn't feel I had enough fight left in me to go up and say anything into a microphone in front of a room full of people. 

 Conference was great. I loved it. I learned from it. I slept through a great deal of it (due to aforementioned emotional exhaustion.) and had to watch everything multiple times later to get anything out of it. I just was too tired to absorb anything. 

Then something inside of me was sparked. The spirit gave me a jolt of energy and pushed me on. There was one thing I had learned that I just had to share. Last week I published  that blog about the ten myths for singles.  As I read and reflected on that post, there was one thing that hit me that I had been struggling with more than anything else- The weight of making all the decisions, and having all the decisions responsiblity rest on my shoulder. As I complained to the Lord about this, and pleaded that he at least send me a roommate to bear some of the financial burdens so I didn't have so much weight, I got a pretty instant response, and It shocked me. 

 My dear daughter, Why are you making all the decisions on your own? you don't have to. You dont need a husband or a roommate for that, you have me. If you would lean on me like you are supposed to, I could take that burden and make it light for you, the responsiblilty wouldn't be so heavy, because you would know you counseled with me, and you made the correct choices.  

 In that moment  a light bulb had gone off in my head, and I started to consider that, but I didn't quite know how to implement it, untill I got up to bear my testiomony about it. As I started to share that experience, the spirit again began to teach me. I remembered the Liahona talked about in the book of Mormon, that it worked according to faith, and that When it was followed, they journed in a straight course, and when it wasn't they got lost and had to wonder in the wilderness till they were humbled and figured it out again.  

In that moment, as I was saying those words, I realized, my liahona had been broken, and unheaded. From that moment on I determied that I would rely on the lord to be my guide, that I would do whatever I felt directed by the spirit to do, that I would research whatever needed researching, and take whatever course it pointed.  The spindles of the spirit again begain to  point my heart in the direction to take. 

 Monday, I decided to go to my friends for FHE. As I was there, my depression lifted, and I felt light and recharged again. The magic of children and gospel teachings filled my heart, Write in your journal and your blog was the message to me of the night. I started writing in my journal again. 

Tuesday I listened to saturday morning and afternoon and the priesthood sessions of General conference. Every talk had a message directly to me- Go on  in courage, do all the scary things you need to do. You need to do them, and you need to do them now. This is your mission and your time. Have faith, not fear.

 I came home from work determined to start. But my allergies were killing me, So I took a nap instead.  I didn't want to go to Addiction Recovery Meeting, but I woke up just in time and decided to go. It was like a pep rally if ever there was one. I was again encourage to continue on in what I felt I should do.  

Again, I arrived home, and again I felt my allergies were just too much to concentrate. I was still feeling very emotional about the events in Boston, where I have some friends, and I was about to put it all off. Then I saw a blog post from a friend who is a Marathon runner. I read a few lines,  “But this is life. Things happen. Often what we have planned is not what the lord had planned.”   I lost all sleepiness. I began to compose a message to the friends and people I felt inspired that I should talk to about a few personal things, and share my testimony. Every person I chose to put on that list the spirit told me to put there. I listened, even if it scared me a little.  

I hit send,  and I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew no matter the response, I would be able to handle whatever came. What I learned in the end was how truely loved and supported I am. I am glad I decided to rely on the lord, and to listen to the spirit, and to do hard things. Many of my friendships are going to be a whole lot better because of it. Dispite all odds, to this point, after well over 30 people have replied, not one was negative, even though I was told to brace myself for that inevitable negative moment to come. Instead, I just trusted that when it does, I would be able to handle it. I could handle any question that needed to come my way, everything would be ok. No FEAR, just faith.  

 There are many trials in the world. We all face them, we all have our thing that can defeat us if we let it, if we dont "Trust in the lord with all (our) hearts and lean not to (our) own understanding."  the words of Nephi come back to me tonight as I reflect on the strengthening I have recieved this week, and the confirmation of my leap of faith "the Lord giveth no ^bcommandments unto the children of men, save he shall ^cprepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." 

After the past month, I have no doubt that I will have more "mountains to climb" in the future. Sometimes they may appear to be very daunting and jagged. But as long as my liahona is working, I can sail any ocean, I can find and make the tools I need, I can find my way. I wont be lost, I wont be alone, and I never ever have to make any decision by myself. Jesus was not lying when he said that he would bare our burdens, when he said  "my yolk is easy and my burden is light."  

Dude, My burdens have never been so light, my path has never been so easy. I have never been less alone. No matter what you must face, trust God,  and you can do it, and it will not only be ok, it will be the most wonderful feeling you have ever felt in your life.  


     

Writers Block

Do you know how many blog posts I have started and never finished in the past week? obviously no. You do not. because I never posted them. They were many. 

 I don't know what it is, I have these really great ideas I start writing about. Hilarious things like how I say "no worries" all the time because my Mission President was Australian and we just said it as missionaries and it stuck . 

 Or that day I was going to tell you how I came up with the concept of an Enchilada Burger, and I made one and it was so tasty I was going to give you the recipe. 

I could tell you about the effect of over the counter allergy meds on my mind, but .. yawn... well, 

 they make my brain feel fuzzy and sluggish and sleepy, so I think I will go take a nap now. But also, I am starving, so I'm gonna see if I have any yummy Enchilada Burgers left. 

 Another unfinished blog post- well, No worries. I'll write something good soon. 

Percy Jackson and My Life

 I recently finished reading both the Red Pyramid, and the Percy Jackson series of books written by Rick Riordan. I loved these books!!!  

 I love learning about history, and mythology, and I love that sort of adventure story with a good guy to root for and a bad guy to root against. I learned while I was entertained. Its the perfect combination. I think though, on a deeper level, there were some things from old mythologies that really connected with me on a religious level.  

 In the Red Pyramid and its sequel, what stood out to me the most was the importance and power of names. I think Latter-day saints off all people should be aware of  how powerful and important names are. After all, we have had re emphasised  more than once how important it is that we know the name of our church  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, each part of that has a special meaning, and was given specifically in revelation from God. But even our nick name, Mormon, from the Book of Mormon, named for the Prophet Mormon, who's name, if I remember correctly means "more good." Bottom line, names are important, they have power. Fear of the name, increases fear of the thing itself.. .and so on.  I loved that.

 Percy Jackson reminded me of a few things. For one, we are all literally spirit children of God, so in a way, you could say we are like the Demi-Gods of the books. We come here, we don't really know who we are, our full potential or any of that stuff, and Satan and his monsters attack us sometimes because he knows what we could become. But when we find out who we really are, that's when we really can come under attack.  Another similarity I noticed were the number of the Demi-God hero children  that felt that they had been abandoned by their god/parent, because they were left alone to fight their battles. In reality, for most instances that wasn't the case, and the Hero either didn't recognize the love their parent/god was trying to show them, didn't accept their gifts, or didn't know the full story. There was a reason those gods limited their interactions and didn't interfere directly in the affairs of their children- they had to determine their own destiny.  Sometimes people in our world wonder how God can let horrible things happen in our lives, tragedies and so forth, failing to see the great things it can make of us, or the further damage that interference could have done.  

 These are just a few similarities to my beliefs and the wonderful fictional series I read.  Lot can be learned from fiction and old myths. There are always bits of truth hidden in what we think are myths and fairy tails, often  even deep and profound truths, if we take the time to think about them.  Ah, go read a book already. Good nigh!

Myths About Singles

 One of my blog readers shared their blog with me. In it she debunked 10 myths about being single. I'd like to encourage you all to read that.  Everything she said completely resonated with me 

http://smilingldsgirl.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/myths-about-being-single/#comment-3315


In case you don't want to go all the way there, here were 10, and how I feel about them

1. You can hang out with your friends and pretty much do what you want, whenever you want to.
    yeah, most of my friends are now married, the ones that aren't don't live super close, and we are all super busy. Since I live alone, and don't handle that well, I try to plan parties to get some time with friends. I probably need time with my friends more than married people, because otherwise Its just me and my dog. If I didn't have my dog, I'd seriously die from loneliness. I have a great deal of friends, so this helps because if I didn't at least get some time with other people, It wouldn't take long for me to become very seriously depressed.

2. You don't have kids, so you must have lots of extra money (or you have blown all your money on fun). 
    My friend from Smilingldsgirl nailed this one so much on the nose, I'm just going to quote her 
" In reality married people statistically are wealthier and healthier than their single counterparts.  Even if you don’t have a two income household, in most marriages you have two people managing the budget and making decisions.  Plus, everything is more expensive for just one person.  Food is more, taxes are more, rent is more etc." 

 I would like to add, with my work schedule, if I hit a financial problem, I have so little time left over in my day, that it would be impossible for me to work an extra job and still take care of the necessities of running a house hold. I'm pretty much already maxed out. 

3. You must have tons of free time since you don't have kids
 I have two nights a week, maybe three that I don't have full each and every week.  I have 11.5 or more hours M-F of working/commuting. I still have to cook dinner, clean my house, and do all the yard work, all by myself. One person is slightly less mess, but weeds and dust still grow about the same in a single persons house as they do in a family's.  I have callings, any thing that needs to be done for my house hold, I am the sole person with responsibility to take care of it- running errands, paying bills, fixing my car. All those things take time.  This is part of the reason I average 4-5 hrs sleep on week nights

4. You must get plenty of sleep because you don't have kids
 I average 4-5 hrs sleep on week nights, 6-7 hrs on weekends.
     No, I don't have to run kids everywhere, or get them to be quiet or not wake me up. I still get way less sleep than I should. Part of this is insomnia, part of it is I just have too much to do, and I don't have time to sleep. Just like you, If I am needing some me time It has to cut into my sleep time. 


5. “You’re single. You must travel all the time”
        since moving to Washington,five years ago,  I have traveled home to visit my family, I have traveled to Philly once and to Kansas City, Mo once to do training for work.  I travelled to Navoo that first year to pick up my brother from his mission (in lieu of my semi- annual trip to Utah to visit my family.) I have got on a road trip to Forks, WA ( about 4 hrs from my house), I've gone to Portland, Or, ( 3 hrs from my house), and I've gone to Victoria, BC  over night with my aunts. (also not more than 4 hours from my house).     I don t have time or money to travel. I don't want to travel alone, its scary and dangerous and expensive.         I don't have time or money to travel.    That said, you all know I am going to Ireland and Lithuania in about a month and a half ish,   I am not paying for most of this trip, and that is why I can go.  I am also now working / commuting 12.5 hrs a day at least once usually two or three times a week  so that I can have enough paid leave time to go.   I have a dog, dogs are surprisingly like kids in many ways. They can be left alone longer, but not two weeks or more, they need attention and love, and food and water. They are easier than kids, I am not saying your kids are exactly like my dog, but they do come with costs and responsiblity, and care and time needs.  I have to arrange for the dog if I go out of town, and that can be expensive.   Being single, for most people, doesn't make travel easier, especially single women. 

6. You are so lucky because you get to do things the way you want to
    I don't want to settle down to much, because I could get married at any time. So I only rent, I never buy a house.  My future seems too uncertain, so I leave things in kind of a transitional state. Also, I usually have a roommate. That requires compromise, and since I rotate roommates about every 8 months to a year, I have to adjust to a whole new person and new issues and new compromises every time. I thought that was exhausting, till I didn't have a roommate.  I planned to change some things and just do them my way when she moved out, but I haven't had time. yeah, I get a some freedom in this right now, but also there is the draw back of every single decision resting on my shoulders.  to quote my friend again ..  
 " You have all the pressure of every decision on you.  There is no partner to discuss situations with or lighten the load.  Something like which loan to get or how much to pay in a down payment had to be made by me and only me. I had to do all the research and get all the inspiration.  Any mistakes lie squarely on my shoulders. That’s tough."          That has been a tough thing for me. Making every choice all the time makes me tired.

7. “You must hate it when your friends set you up on dates”
       No, I don't. Please do! Just as long as you know, it may not work out, and you are OK with that, I want to get married, and none of the guys I know are working for me in that respect, please introduce me to some new ones, you never know what will happen.   Just please never tell me I am not trying hard enough to get married. If you are saying that, you don't know anything about me.  Also, please understand that there is something called trying too hard, and that is worse than not trying. I'm  open to opportunities should they present themselves, and I try to dedicate some of my limited time to creating those opportunities, but I need a new pond to fish at the moment it seems. 

8. “You’re single so I should avoid talking about my family and kids around you”.
 Absolutely not!!  Please talk about your school closure, your kid having this or that social or emotional issue, all the stuff about having babies!!   I may have an awkward look on my face, or not know what to say, but this is precisely why I decided to move to a family ward- I want to understand your world. Plus, you are my friend, and I want to know what is going on in your life. Honestly I need you to talk about these things so I can learn, and also so I can feel less awkward hanging out with married people in the future. If I hear about these things, learn about them, I can have an opinion, and at some point I can add to the conversation. For now, I will just listen and learn, and that is great.  Plus, I love kids,  and I'm in the Primary, so I need to understand them better to do my calling. 

9.  “You’re single because you have chosen to be single”.
I want to be married.  
 This has mainly come from my parents, and or siblings, and my parents friends. If you think this, you don't know me.  Am I am amazingly awesome? yes I am. Are there some guys that I think wanted to date and marry me? yes, there were.  Should I have married them? Absolutely not.   so I guess, yes I chose to be single, over being divorced, or miserably married. I believe marriage is for eternity, and you should choose as wisely as possible the first time.   If I had met someone that  worked for me, and I for him I would have married in a heart beat.  There have been some guys I really wanted to marry, they didn't want to marry me. That's life, it happens.   I am not overly  picky, I do give the guys a fair shot, sometimes more than a fair shot, and  I think that's all that can be done. One shouldn't compromise one's eternal happiness, or families happiness just because society pressures you to be married by a certain age. 


10. “You’re single so you are not a full adult”
        this is both and outward and an internal problem.  My counselor in recent weeks has encouraged me to remind myself " I am 31, I am an adult."   I often feel like a less than completely valid adult, this may be because of external pressures as my friend describes 
        " For singles that are over 30 we resent when it is assumed we are still the same as 20 year old singles.  While I have friends of many ages I have learned a lot in the proceeding years and hopefully have become wiser and better.   I loved my college years so in a way its kind of flattering to be looked at as younger than I am but it can also feel a bit patronizing."      I am not a college student, sometimes I still feel like I am treated as one, probably worse though is what she put as myth 11, falling under your parents "Family umbrella"  I have an example of this.  
  I went home for a family visit. We had family photos. We did a big family group photos, then photos of my brothers and their wives and kids as individual family units. We did a photo of  my parents and the grand kids.  Because I am single , I never got a photo outside the entire family. This made me feel really pretty much like they were saying "because you are not married, we don't consider you an adult". My mom, in all fairness apologized and recognized they should have taken a picture of me  without me pointing it out to her, but the fact that they didn't even realize I wasn't treated as an adult or individual was pretty much highlighted in that moment.  When I go home to visit my family, my dad still tries to assign me chores like I was a college student moving home for the summer, not as a guest in his house.  I don't mind helping out, but please don't treat me like I am still living under your roof, and you are paying my way in life, I work  hard to do that myself. 
         However, I am the worst culprit in this one. I hesitate to share my opinion's when I am with married friends. I defer to them as much as possible, because really, deep inside, I don't consider myself a valid adult. In fact, my counselor, again had to tell me a few weeks ago that its OK to make choices for myself and not always just do things because that's what my parents told me I should do, when they don't even always do them themselves.  I'm working on this one. Help is appreciated. 

Mountains to Climb, Waterfalls not to Fall Into

I just had the strangest dream, and I feel the need to share it. I found myself hiking in a mountain area, near a river at the base of a very, very, large and cascading waterfall. I began to walk along the banks of the river toward the waterfall. When I got to the base of the waterfall, there seemed to be a climbing path that looked like a fair amount of people had made it up. I don't know why I wanted to climb this, I think a part of me was thinking "This is a great challenge" and the other part of me thought "If I die doing it, I die, lets go!"  

 I began to scale the rocks. It wasn't as difficult as I thought. It was surprisingly dry, and the hand holds were all in my reach. It was a work out, but the challenged felt exhilarating.  When I reached 3/4's of the way up I hit a spot where there was a very large rock, smooth with no hand holds and just out of my reach. At first attempt, I thought I could totally bridge the gap, but as I attempted, I nearly fell of the rocks. Fear now slightly gripped my heart. I tried, some what more cautiously again and again. I tried different approaches, but I just couldn't reach it on my own, I was just barley too short. 

 I looked down, which scared me even more, because I'm kind of afraid of heights. I realized that I couldn't go back down, that would be too dangerous as well.  I felt trapped on the mountain. At the top of the mountain I saw my family and friends. I cried for help. Some of them who were very apt climbers heard me, and climbed down to where I was. They were taller than me, so that rock wasn't as big of a challenge to them, and they were able to help me climb up past that gap by one of them being behind me, securing me, and the other reached out from above to help pull me onto the large bolder. Once over that rock, we went on, and were able to safely reach the top of the waterfall where there was a nice ranger station, and all sorts of food, water and comfort. 

I looked down from the top, I was proud of what I accomplished From the top it looked even bigger than it had when I started out.My friend that pulled me up was standing next to me, and I turned and said,  "I climbed all of that?! And I only got help at that one rock?" What I had accomplished amazed me. I was pleased with what I had done, and that I hadn't died in the process.  

 At the same time, I felt an extraordinary sense of gratitude, I thanked my friends, without them, I could never have made it alone. My friends were also pleased that I had made it up alive. We went to the lodge and had a well earned rest and some hot chocolate. 

 It made me think of a General Conference talk by president Eyring one year ago, called "Mountains to Climb"  Its a really really good talk, about how to handle trials in our life. There are many things he mentioned about how to strengthen our selves to find the strength to endure and overcome trials, but I think its significant, all along the reassurance he gives us that we are not alone. We have each other, friends, families, ward members, neighbors, angles round about us, but most importantly we have our Savior Jesus Christ. 

Elder Eyring said "If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up.¹⁰ And He always keeps His word."
  
I feel like I am climbing some mountains right now, in life. I think many if not all of us are. I am happy with what I have been able to accomplish, but having been stuck at that rock, I know I cannot make it on my own, I am just not tall enough. No matter how hard I try, alone, I fall short. But, I also know, when I call for help it comes, in the form of friends, family, my ward, but most importantly the Savior and his Atonement. He really will always keep his word and help us out But, I have to humble myself and ask for help, I have to be willing to accept that help. If I pridefully continue to try to go it alone, I cannot make it. 


 The Lord does require enough humility that we ask for help. He says "Ask and ye shall receive, Knock and it shall be opened unto you."  We are told he gives us weaknesses so that we "may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them."          (ether 12:27) 

Its something to think about before Conference this weekend. I have a lot to learn about how to climb mountains, that was quite a dream. Check out Elder Eyrings talk. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/mountains-to-climb?lang=eng . 

To all my friends, thank you for all your help in overcoming the large boulders in my life. Together, we can reach the top.