Mourning With Those Who Mourn, Redecorating With Those That Redecorate

      Time has become this thing that makes no sense to me. Hours come and go, and days, and though they are full of stuff, I have no Idea or concept any more of really how much has or hasn't passed. Sometimes, I think things happened weeks ago, and it was months, sometimes I think it was months ago and it was only days. So as I write tonight, please forgive my lack of concept of time.  Its all wibbley wobbly and stuff and I can't make sense of it or make it linear for you if I tried. So please enjoy my ball of timey wimey emotions.

       I don't want to make the error of saying how many weeks ago, but I can be specific that it was not this week, and perhaps it may have been two weeks ago? but I'm not exactly sure. Some time around two weeks ago, some time in the days, possibly a week? I don't know, following the funeral of my friend Michelle, I came home to my house, and I got really sad, and really angry because I felt there was no corner of it that was not haunting me with memories of this or that thing we did that one time in my house.  You see, I've lived, surprisingly, in this house for pretty much all but 6 or 7 months of the time I knew and was friends with Michelle.  For me, that is an incredible feat. Before this house I never stayed anywhere longer than two years.  Any way, That's not really what this is about. During those years I became stable, my friendship with Michelle was key, and therefore we did stuff a lot. The other thing is, that I pretty much (also very shocking and rare) have not redecorated or rearranged my house  since just a few months before or after- see that time thing again- Michelle got married. That was an interesting and turbulent time in my personal life, but we will not go into that, it didn't have much to do with Michelle except that she was an amazing friend at helping me survive it.

 This post is about redecorating my house. So the point is, I felt I had to redecorate my house. So I did. I came home one day a week, two weeks? maybe three? and I just started ripping everything off the walls, in every room. I even took the slip cover off my couch. I just couldn't look at it any more. It wasn't that I didn't want to be reminded of my friend, it was just that I needed some spaces to breathe and not feel constantly bombarded with memories. So I made my house a blank slate, and then I started planning, and buying and creating, and decorating.  I didn't want my friend erased from my house, but I knew I had to change it to start to heal,  so the first thing I decided to do  was to revamp the friend wall, and make a special place for a handful of the people that have died in my life that needed a space. Michelle being one of them. I then also needed a friend wall that spanned a greater depth and breadth of my friends I've had throughout my life, and I needed my house to start to represent the person I have become, rather than the person I was two years ago. A major part of this redecoration thing is and was saying, feeling and defining myself for myself right now, and I think I had to do that because ....

  I feel like when you become friends with someone enough to that point where you get really vulnerable and open with each other,  when you laugh and cry together, and you talk about all sorts of stuff, and you start talking like each other, and quoting each other, its like you exchange little pieces of yourself with those friends, and you change each other, permanently, in a way that can't be unchanged. I mean, language is representative of something so much deeper within, so when I start talking like you a piece of you has become a part of me, and that happens with friends. Any way, So some part of me, I feel has died with Michelle. I have no idea what part, but there is a part, I can feel it missing. But some part of her is living on in me. Any way, tangent, but that's my thought on that. So some part of me is gone, changed, and unable to be pulled back, and this has left me with some puzzles to puzzle about what is important to me, about who I am and who I want to become and how to get there, and a lot of that is coming into my redecorating.  

 But there was something else. So I went shopping to do my redecoration, and I had to go to Walmart and look for stuff. I didn't know exactly what I was looking for, but I had a general idea, and I just sort of wandered around and felt things out. Any way, things were going really well, and I was feeling really good about what I was doing and accomplishing. Then I rounded a corner in the back of the store over by the toys. Suddenly a fresh memory hit me, one I hadn't remembered at all. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, suddenly I needed to cry, and suddenly I desperately needed to get out of that store. But I didn't.  I took some deep breaths, and I got out when I could, but I didn't run. I stayed and felt it for a moment, and remembered.

 The memory was, the real last time I had seen Michelle. I didn't remember it before that moment, because it wasn't planned, it wasn't long, and honestly it wasn't super great like the picnic I had had with her on my deck in April/June? some time in the spring months are all the same to me right now. Any way, this had been August. It was the week/ weekend before I was going to Utah to visit my parents. I remember because I was in a hurry, kind of to get away and buy some clothes for hot Utah weather and I have no idea why I was were I was, but I ran into Bryan and Michelle and all the kids trying to buy a toy for a birthday party or something (thus by the toys). They were in a hurry, I was in a hurry. I was excited to run into them, but also not because I was in a hurry. I think we may have said something about when things are less crazy we should get together and have a game night again, and that was it. we said see ya, and rushed off in our hurry.  And that was it. That was my memory, that was the last time I talked to my friend.  and that memory hit like a ton of bricks. And that still happens, I drive around places and suddenly remember something and I randomly need to cry. A song comes on that I forgot about and I need to cry, and I'm angry, and sometimes I can hear her voice in my mind, saying Michelle stuff, and I still can't believe it could possibly be real, because I can hear her, so I should be able to call her.

 Any way, this stuff is kinda rough, and probably boring to read about, or else it makes you feel sad and you want to fix things for me so I don't have to feel sad. But here's the thing, no one can fix this. no words can make it better. Hugs help, but my life is good, I am in a good, stable place where I can let these emotions exist without having them nearly destroy me as they often nearly did in my younger years. I know everything  and believe everything I need to to find my own peace, but I still gotta feel what I feel, and no one can change that or take it away, and honestly I wouldn't  want them to.

 I have learned to do what I can do when I can do it. and when to not do things because I don't have the emotional energy to do it. I'm accomplishing a lot right now, I am  dreaming big, and living big, and fighting hard and running, and eating salad and eating candy bars, and sometimes i come home and watch gymnastics and cry curled on my bed, most nights I get my studying and home work done. and I function, even though Id like to crawl into a hole till this goes away and not feel it.  then other times, I get my hair cut, and that feels great,  and I decorate my house, because I'm accomplishing something that is important to me, I figure me out, I take care of my needs, making and creating the space I need to heal and to thrive right now.  There are a lot of things I want to do right now, that I just can't, there are a lot of things I am telling myself that there is time to do in the future, just keep taking and making those small steps.  and its good, its creating positive changes all around me.  But I love my friend, and I miss her, and I miss the things I thought we might still someday do, and now cant,  and I wonder if we could  still do them, would we or was life getting too crazy and different and maybe those dreams wouldn't have survived any way. But it doesn't matter because could have doesn't help me accept reality.

 This has now become quite long (sorry, time, you know, its a problem for me right now.) I guess the point of this whole thing is just to update you, and to give you a small piece of me, because I need to give it to someone. This has changed my life, because Michelle changed my life.  Heck, I ended day light saving time two weeks early because of this, because it was too hard to wake up, but now I wake up just on time. I guess that's a silver lining, but the point is, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm a bit confused and lost, but yet more found and clear on somethings than ever before. I'm OK, in someways I'm even great, but I'm still sad and no one can or should fix it, but there should be a hole lot more hugging and that's pretty much it.  

 Thank you for letting me go on and on and on, and reading all this.  If any other family or friends are reading this, and you are feeling as many confusing things as me, and time is all weird and incomprehensible, just know you are not alone. If my experience is completely different from yours, that's OK too. We all feel and deal with things differently, and I think its important that we know that is OK. Any way, that's my update. thanks for reading all this. Please do not try to comfort me with words, I'm starting to find that annoying, though I recognize its well intended. If you want to use words just use them to be here in this moment with me, because those are the kinds of words that aren't annoying.  and most of all, if you see me in person, skip the words and just give me a hug. I often could use a hug these days, and there is no way I can get too many.  I even almost hugged a druggy homeless lady a few weeks ago, despite my germaphobia, because right now I just don't care, hugs are good, and so is hand sanetizer, Lysol, and washing things.   any way- yes. Hugs. Lots of hugs. and singing. singing is always welcome. Sing and hug. let make life Glee. why not. did they hug on glee? yeah, not all the time, but sometimes they hugged and then they sung. We should do that.  Hug and sing, and redecorate our lives and houses. 

Family Are Forever; Friends Are For NOW!

 My dearest dearest Friend, I've been talking to you all day. I feel like you have been following me around reminding me of all our times together.  I don't know if  you heard me, but I heard you.  All day I desperately wanted to pick up the phone and call you, but I knew you wouldn't be able to answer, and it broke my heart to think that in this life I may never hear your voice again.  Then one of our friends reminded me, if you were here you would probably crack a joke.

 That got me thinking, if you and I had switched places yesterday, I know exactly what you would have said to me, cursing the air- " WELL Happy Indigenous People's day to you too! JERK"  and then you would have laughed a little, and cried a little and you would have given someone that needed it a hug, a really good hug, one of your magical hugs.

  Yesterday was national coming out day. I almost wrote a post, but I'm cautious now about what I post. Remember that one time, I went a bit over board, and over shared in a blog and it kind of made some awkward months in our friend group for a bit. I was so afraid I had driven you guys away from me. Then you had me go with you to help out for a photo shoot. As we drove out, I shared my fears, and you told me you would never let me push you away, we would always be friends. and we are.

Any way- I didn't write yesterday, because 3 1/2 years ago when I started coming out, its been such a journey, and it was such a personal experience I didn't know what to say. But today all I could think about was how you were the second person I told. I was so scared, terrified, remember. ha ha, I couldn't even physically tell you, I had to write it on a peace of paper. and we sat there staring at each other for five minutes because I was too scared to even let you read the paper. Finally I gave in, and I let you read that small slip of paper. You hugged me, you told me you loved me, and it didn't change our friendship. you were my support while I figured out how to accept myself and stop hating myself.  you were one of the reasons I stayed alive when I felt like such a disappointment, depressed, and so alone in the months that followed, as I told my family, and other friends. You gave me a secure home to always come back to. You helped keep me alive.

Literally, you gave me a home. Remember all those nights that we stayed up till 3 am, talking about life and eternity, everything we thought we understood, and everything we didn't. It was always so hard to leave your house. Nothing felt better than being there with you.  girls nights and game nights are something I will never forget.  I remember the last girls night we had, we planned that so carefully, we wanted it to be fun again. a little bit of that "eat randy" song you turned into "eat Mandi" and sang with your creepy zombie actions.  Ha ha, remember when we gave you the nick name of the grey zombie queen, game night, risk; you owned that bored. Settlers of Kahtan will never be the same again without you.  Thank you for letting me go crazy with the dancing, singing , and lip syncing our last girls night.

I always loved singing with you. Like that duet to "Say Something" we did at my birthday party. You know, the one where I tried to cook a 7 course meal, and it took so long that I had to send a doggy bag home with you.  And that day, for my birthday, when you and I just drove around in my car for an hour and sang whatever came on the radio, with gusto. "I love you Like a Love song" will always make me think of you, and anything by lady antebellum. and rascal flats, and Colby Calait.

 Remember that day at YSA, playing dodge ball in the gym. That was when we really first bonded. you were the perfect friend at the perfect time. All those nights, chatting in the church parking lot. One time my battery died, and you stayed even later talking with me while we waited for a jump.

We may have only been in each others lives a little less than 5 years, but I have more memories of you than probably almost anyone else I've ever met. You were my family, you were my friend. You are and always will be my friend. I'll never forget, when we were talking about eternity or something, or marriage, or how we'd probably all eventually continue on our separate journeys at some point again in this life,  and you said the most important thing I've ever learned. "Families are forever, Friends are for now!!!"

 And what you meant by it, I think, was that this whole eternal plan thing, we get married, we go our separate ways, eventually things like that happen. People die. But our friends, they are important too, and we should absolutely enjoy their company now, in the moment we have it, without fear and dread of loosing them at some point in the future.

 Thank you for always being there for me when I needed you, any time, day or night. For being willing to be my emergency contact for a time (I know that was a really great responsibility), for picking me up from the ferry sometimes, even though it was way out of your way. Thanks for being one of the most incredible people I have had the privilege to know,  Thank you for being in my life, for being my family, my friend, my comedic relief, someone who would love me unconditionally, some one with an incredibly huge heart and massive talent. Thank you for brightening my life with yours.  There are a million memories I have thought of today. I couldn't rewrite even a quarter of them, but you were there, so Im sure you remember too.

 any way,
Happy Indigenous People's day to you too!!!  You made me cry you big jerk!!!!

 I love you,

Mandi



P.S.  to those of you reading this post,  My friend and her husband and kids have had some unique circumstances to deal with at this time. A  has been a gofundme account set up to help out her husband and kids. Please click on the link below and learn more about their unique family, and story. If you have the ability to help out with the gofundme, even small amount, It would mean a great deal. I love those children, and her husband is also one of my amazing friends. They could use help with medical and funeral costs. https://www.gofundme.com/n66brm6s

Do It For You

A few years ago I learned a very important lesson, I don't know how this lesson applies to anyone else, all I know is that this one concept revolutionize my life, and helped me find peace, and greater harmony in my relationships with others.

The realization was simply this, when I lived my life simply trying to meet the expectations of others, I was miserable, and resentful. Feeling like I was sacrificing huge chunks of myself to make everyone else happy at the cost of my own made it so even when I did good things, there was an unspoken weight of expectation that neither I nor the other person could live up to. My reasons and motivations for my actions shifted the responsibility of my decisions and actions to others, and off of myself, and created an expectation in my head, that by so doing I deserved to have other people make the same sacrifices for my benefit. Only, nothing was ever enough.

One day I made the decision to stop doing this, to take full responsibility for my decisions and actions, and to do them, even if they weren't fun or easy, because it was my choice to do so, regardless of how anyone else might feel about those decisions.

The result was that I was empowered within my own life, my destiny was in my hands. My limitations were mine to work with, in the way I saw fit, and my moral compass was my responsibility to myself to follow.

I'm not perfect in doing this, sometimes I still bow my moral compass to other people's expectations. I think maybe that's part of living in a society, you sometimes have to compromise a little, but when I do that now, I make that comprise on my own terms, no one owes me anything for my sacrifice, I do it regardless of what other people will reward me for it, and there fore I do not resent others for not living up to an end of the bargin I imagined on their behalf.

Something is very important about this process. I think, because for me it has allowed me to be happy, to give deeper love to others, to not put myself in positions I feel are harmful to me, but also has allowed me to meet people where they are without judging them for not meeting my expectations. My expectations have become geared for what I expect of me, not what I expect of everyone else, and my choices are what I expect of me, not what is expected by everyone else.

This small change has been very freeing for me, and though I cannot prescribe that everyone else should do the same, I am so happy that a small change in thinking has allowed me to reach a higher potential for myself, and not constrain myself to artificial limits, but to recognize what my real limits are, what they arent, and to be more patient with myself and others in their journey of becoming.

The Power Of Hugs

When Affirmation's current President, Randall Thacker, tried to urge me to attend this year's Affirmation International Conference he got a lot of eye rolls and the question of "what is the point of your stupid conference that all my friends are wasting so much time, money, and energy on?"  His answer was simple, come and see.

So after a lot of persuasion I came, I saw, I conquered. And I came to the conclusion that it was worth every effort that had been expended and more.  I don't know that my words could ever adequately explain the experience, could ever describe in a way that your heart could truly understand what difference that conference can mean to LGBTQAI+/ SSA Mormons, and their families and their allies.

It was spiritually, emotionally and mentally strengthening. But I think the power of such moments are best explained with the most powerful of such moments, a hug of friendship that reaches from one soul to another soul and makes you feel safe, loved and accepted as you are and where you are.

I got a lot of really good hugs from really good friends at this conference. Honestly that was my favorite part. New friends, old friends, I was surrounded by friends, and everyone showed their friendship in bear hugs, nothing held back. I also loved the groups we got to be in and discuss our experiences, and the testimony meeting.

Those were also very powerful, but a lot of psychological research had been done on how important hugs are for people, and how we do not get enough of them in our day to day life. They can be very strengthening and empowering, and were. They were strengthening and empowering.

And because of that take away, I came home ready, prepared, and far more capable to strengthen and empower others. My best friend just lost a brother. Earlier this week I went to the viewing. For the first time in my life, I went to such an occasion understanding that I had no words that could really help, but I did have something that I could give to lighten that burden, to strengthen and empower my friend in a very, very difficult time. So I took the power of the best hug I got at the Affirmation conference, and I passed it on to my grieving friend, and we both felt strengthened by it.

I guess the point of this blog post is two-fold, 1- Affirmation’s annual conference is extremely important. I have no doubt it actually saves lives of a very vulnerable community and provides an opportunity for people to be their whole self, including their faith, where ever they may be with that, from True Blue Mormon to atheist with Mormon roots, it's a big tent, all are welcome, and all are loved.  I echo Randall’s words to me, if you are LGBTQAI/SSA and Mormon, or family of such an individual, Go and see why this is a thing.  If you are in California, there is a regional one coming up.

2. This is for everyone. Go find someone (in an appropriate time and place) and give them a big, big hug. Just stay there for a moment. We humans need that. We need more hugs.

Happy Friday everyone, you are loved.

Facebook Power

 Over the years, my opinions of my Facebook page, and what I allow to stay on my Facebook page have changed dramatically. Even who I allow to be my Facebook friends have changed dramatically. I thought I would share some of my current ways and views  of dealing with Facebook that helps me keep a good and balanced mental health and outlook.

 In years past, I had a hard time moderating my Facebook page. If someone commented on one of my posts and said something that was hurtful or harmful to myself or others, that was controversial or would possibly stir up drama, I let the post stand. I would try to jump in and say something to mitigate the effects, but this almost always resulted in things spiraling out of control and getting heated and mean very quickly. I am a peace maker, and though I support people expressing and holding a variety of ideas and opinions, I don't like contention and disrespect. This took a great toll on my mental healthy, this internal debate of allowing freedom of expression on a thread on my Facebook wall. I like hearing a variety of perspectives, and being open to new thoughts, I don't like peoples thoughts being silenced just because they are different from mine or another persons. How do we grow if we are not willing to hear another point of view?  However, too often if I allowed people to post controversial and upsetting things it became a shouting match where no one heard anyone else, and I walked away feeling yucky.

 Another area of potential problem with Facebook was who I chose to have as friends. Sometimes we interact with people quite well in real life, but online relationships and friendships can be very damaging to our real life relationships, especially if there is some hot button issue people disagree on fiercely.  Some people I was friends with on Facebook because we had a real life connection, but I found that that Facebook friendship, rather than enhancing my relationship was destroying it.  There are other people, I have met on Facebook through common interest groups, In real life we may struggle a bit to be face to face friends, perhaps our communication breaks down vocally vs in writing. I am an introvert and I am much better at written communication than vocal communication, and some people are the same. So there is a balance. But a very hard lesson for me to learn is that Facebook friends don't always need to be real life friends, and real life friends don't always need to be Facebook friends, and it is OK to set boundaries.

 I became the moderator of my Facebook page following the recent SCOTUS decision. It took something incredibly divisive, and personal for me to step back, and see the importance of being not me the friend, coworker, family member, church member or anything else personal in the running of my Facebook space.  When I made allowances for people to troll posts, and say hurtful things to one side or the other because they had this or that personal meaning in my life, It hurt me, and it hurt others personally. So I decided that Facebook is not real life. Facebook is Facebook, it is an on line forum, my page is my online forum. It is my duty to control the mood, tempo, and tone of my page. It is my duty to decided what is OK to post there and what is not. It is my duty to decided who is appropriate to participate in that space and who is not. It is my duty on my news feed to decided which friends it is a good idea for me to follow, and which ones I need to unfollow, hide, or minimize their appearance on my feed. Which friends I need to see daily, and which ones its best if I just check in on manually from time to time. There were also a few friends, real life friends, that I had to decide for the good of me, our friendship in real life, and my broader online community I was bringing to my page, that it was best if we had no Facebook involvement. This was not a reflection on our real life friendship, but was in fact to save our real life friendship.  Some people, for the good of my sanity, and our real life friendships needed to be unfriended or sometimes even blocked. This was a very difficult and painful decision to make, but it was the right one, and when I felt it necessary I communicated and explained this directly to the person in question.

 Another result of this Facebook moderating view is that I am now much more selective in who I choose to add as a friend on Facebook. If you send me a friend request, and we are friends in real life, and I don't add you, just know that its not because I don't want to be your real life friend, but I have judged it best for our friendship if we just don't go there with Facebook.  I also have become more careful in what I share as a public post, vs a friends only post vs only to a select group of my most trusted close and personal friends. This is important because some things in my life, such as this blog, or my voices of hope video, essays I have written for Affirmation, etc,  have perpetuated me and my personal life to a small circle public figure status. This means, sometimes my personal life becomes everyone's business.  Although I love sharing some things with everyone, for everyone's mutual benefit and for my benefit of being open, it is important to have boundaries, and some things are just not everyone's business, not matter how public your life becomes.  using the options afforded by Facebook, I have empowered myself to be able to determine what information I want to be public, what I want to be just between friends,  and what I want to hold to a more private level. Alternating those positions is a very helpful thing to do.

 There is no such thing as freedom of speech for anyone except myself on my Facebook page. I am the moderator. I have limits as well- set by Facebook. But it is my duty to myself, my mental health, and to my relationships online and IRL to determine what can and can not stay there. Sometimes this requires me to lovingly delete a comment on a thread before things spiral out of control, or before damage is done to myself emotionally, or to my other friends. Sometimes this means I need to unfollow, or hide certain things from my news feed, so we can still be friends, but maybe less involved friends.  Sometimes this requires I limit who sees what I write, this is also OK to do.  I think its important that we all feel empowered to manage and moderate our Facebook page. Finding a space for hearing others opinions and ideas is important to do in life. Its important to not get a one sided view of the world, however, is Facebook the appropriate place to get that view? Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. We need to use our best judgement to determine when is a safe and appropriate time on Facebook to do that, and when that can be potentially harmful. And then, we need to manage our own pages, not each others accordingly.  That is the determination I have come to in the past months. I cant, don't , and shouldn't control what you do on your Facebook page, and you shouldn't control mine. But I can and should empower myself to take control of my own page, my own news feed, my own friend lists, my own threads and make sure that the things posted are in accordance with my own personal values, and moral code. I am the one who moderates my own facebook page, I determine the environment that it will be. If I like debate, then I can have that, If I don't I have the power to stop it.

 The TL;DR of this is basically, you have the power to make your Facebook a safe space for you. You have the power to make it a safe space for your friends, you have the power to determine what will or wont be on your Facebook, and it is OK to set the boundaries necessary to do so in the way you deem to be most effective.  You have the power to create a healthy Facebook experience for yourself. I think if we did more of this, we would need breaks from Facebook a lot less often. Though I think occasionally those are still a good thing to do for everyone. 

Defying Gravity And Cutting My Stupid Hair

 This has been the most amazing summer, and it all began when a friend of mine encouraged me to live life, do a few things on my bucket list, and quit putting everything off.

  So I went to the Ballet and saw Swan Lake, I ate bacon jam on a Hamburger, I ran a mile, then I started training to run 3. 5k color run will be next weekend. I may not have the fastest time, but I am going to do it.  I started training for a half triathlon, and I got two friends and my mom, and possibly my brother to join me. I saw Schweinsteiger's opening game playing for Manchester United, I cut my hair short, really short, like I always wanted to,  I saw team USA at the Women's World Cup, and I ate Algerian food, and I saw Megan Rapinoe and the Seattle Reign get 3 goals past Angerer for a win, in the rain, and I lost my stupid voice for almost a week.   And today I saw Wicked, after waiting nearly a decade to make that happen. And it made me cry, it was that amazing.

This summer has not so much been about the things I have done or the amazing things I have seen. I have seen amazing things throughout my life, and I know that will continue to happen. It wasn't about the events,  really it was about my hair.

 I have spent my whole life before this year so worried about everyone and everything else, so worried and trapped that I just failed to live my life. I put it off for another day. I was always so afraid of that big hurdle down the road, that I knew was inevitably coming, the one I didn't want to face, So I just made excuses of why I couldn't do this or that.   I'm not saying we should all just spend all our time just doing exactly what we want, or saying yes to everything. But I think the reason behind the I can't or I can, or I will is more important than the answer itself.

 I can't, I'm too old. I can't my dad wouldn't like it. I can't I don't know who I would go with, I can't....

the amount of growth I have felt this summer, the things I have learned about myself, who I am, what I believe, what and who I value,  the freedom to breathe and just be myself, hiding from no one, living life boldly, it has empowered me with joy, and happiness, it has empowered me to inspire and empower others.  Age is just a number.  If you want to, you can run a marathon at 90. We put so many limits on ourselves all the time. A lot of times, we put those limits "for other people", and then we resent them for the limitations we actually put on ourselves.  I don't want to resent anyone, I don't want to regret anything.  so I decided to quit saying I can't.  I decided to ask myself what I wanted to do, if it was within budget and reason, I did it, and I brought a friend a long,  Watching Abbey Wambach score a goal at a World Cup is a fine memory, but sharing that moment with a friend and co worker,  watching the effect it had on both of us, to go for life, to live and work and dream.

 Sitting next to my friend today, tears streaming down my face as Defying Gravity defied the void and filled every space of a massive theatre. Sharing those moments.  Letting my friend cut my hair, chatting for 6 hrs while she hacked and dyed my hair into a new masterful creation. my scalp freed from the burden that was my mass of hair, and my soul freed by the conversation and joy of good friendship, and finally cutting my hair for me, how I needed it to be cut.

 Yesterday me and a friend changed my oil. and changing oil is kind of boring dirty work, but that was our moment, and I rather enjoyed it more than any oil change I've ever done before.

This summer, I have tried Defying Gravity, and its has changed my life for the better. because well, I watched this movie tonight, on amazon, Jenny's Wedding. I loved it. but there was a quote that I think explains everything I'm trying to say.

"If you spend your life lying to people about who you are, you never get to know who they are"

 The past few years, this past year, and this summer especially I have quit lying, or hiding who I am.  And because of it, I have gotten to know other people on an amazing level that I would never have other wise. And that is really what has made all these bucket list events so spectacular. Because I wasn't hiding, I could share the whole moment, and they could share it back in turn. My hair was the last big thing that I finally decided I could do, and doing it, cutting it made me so so happy. and makes me so happy every day.

 Cutting my hair was the most freeing, liberating moment of my life. literally weight came off my shoulders, and my head.  My scalp felt air and freedom.  I have never had people say to me "this is what your hair was meant to be like all along"  but I had multiple people say that to me after I cut my hair. And its how I felt too. And maybe that's the key. All the fear, all those reasons I wanted to cut it like this before and didn't, they didn't stop me any more because I was done hiding, and so finally my hair- on the outside, was a reflection of my courage, my heart and my soul not hiding from the world any more, living my life, letting my light shine, not hiding it under a bushel basket.   And that I think is beautiful.

"I wrote in my stupid journal, I cut my stupid hair, and I came back stupider than ever, but you, you have made me so happy."  -Sabrina (1995 film)

Today at Wicked, it really stuck out to me, how these two friends, even though they were so different from each other, such differnt world views, and didn't understand each others paths,  they still really wanted each other to be truly happy. there is so much I love about the song Defying Gravity, and that is a major one.  So I end with the lyrics to defying gravity, because its how I feel right now.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try

Defying gravity

I think I'll try

Defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
(spoken) Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could
do, together.

(sung) Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been

Dreams, the way we planned 'em

If we work in tandem:

There's no fight we cannot win

Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

The Parable of the Puzzler

      Yesterday in sacrament, a young girl sat by me quietly working on a puzzel. At one point she started to struggle with a piece she couldn't figure out where it fit. Her mother prompted her to help. "straight goes with straight" she said, referring to the flat boarder piece that would match up against the flat outer wall of the puzzle book.

As she coninued, I realized that a puzzle would never work if all the pieces were "straight" pieces. As the girl continued, she was able to stick some pieces in where they didn't quite belong. They appeared to fit, almost, but the picture didn't work, and other pieces couldn't go to their proper place, because this one was in the way.

  This reminded me of life. Some people are straight pieces, some are completely jigsawed, and some are a mixture. Sometimes we try to fit into a place that we dont, and it causes us heart ache until we find our spot, and we do fit. God is the ultimate puzzler, and can always guide us to our correct fit and place, but sometimes, he let's his children direct those pieces. Sometimes on their own, sometimes with some prompting, and sometimes with intervention, because we aren't getting it, and we've tried for quite a while. He knows how to fit the pieces, but He wants us to learn the joy of learning how to make the pieces fit too.

Running Races, Swimming Laps

Painting by Mandi Marquardt  "Dream Big" Triathlon and curling

In the past week I have thought about, and even at times attempted to write a blog about my Viking Fest Road Race Experience. I wanted to dump all the little things I learned, and all the amazingness I felt into this little blog and share it with the world.  But, every time I tried, every time i started writing, I found it just wasn't quite the direction I really wanted to take. So I stopped writing and did other things. This morning, I went to make yet another attempt, and nothing. And then I saw an Instagram post from Olympic multi sport athlete Lolo Jones, of her at the gym this fine Saturday morning, and it said "I'm willing to put in a few extra hours on the weekends to get better."  And I have no idea why, but suddenly now I know what I want to say.

 I am not the worlds greatest anything. well except- I am the worlds greatest me.  But I am never probably going to do anything that the world is going to recognize as the most amazing anything ever, and that is fine with me. But I am good.  I am good at sports, I love sports. I'm good at music, I love music. I'm good at language. I love language  I'm not good at math, but I suppose I probably could be if I had any desire to be. I don't.  But I am good at educating myself and trying things, and as I have mentioned, I have a goal to do a half triathlon. I'm not the greatest swimmer, I'm not the greatest biker, and I'm not really much of a runner at all. I don't love running, and when I do love running, its sprinting, its not any kind of distance. Running, is kind of like math. I can do it. I will do it, I will pass your stupid college algebra class, and I will excitedly accept my B- grade, but I'm mainly doing it so i can graduate- or in this case-  I run so I can swim and bike in your triathlon, and so I can say I did it. Been there, got the tee shirt. I also want to be a sports Psychologist someday.  Maybe I will be the worlds greatest sports psychologist someday. That could be my thing. I want it to be my thing. So as I do my other things, I am trying to learn about every aspect of being the best athlete you can be, not just doing the sport, getting the tee shirt, and saying "I've done that."  I need, and want to understand everything so well I can help others do their best.  I am not a sports psychologist, I have no professional opinions yet. But I do want to share what I am learning as I go about these goals.

      Last Saturday, I have been there and got the tee shirt- the Viking Fest Road Race tee shirt. I've completed my first race. It was just  mile, just a middle distance race, not  long distance race, but I did it. Step one to starting to prepare for that half marathon. Because it was my first, and because it is my weakest of the three, and because it was in fact "Shark Week"(see photo for explanation of euphemism) last week I did a lot of research before hand, and I learned a few things.

        Now, it was just a mile. So I probably learned more than I needed to. Possibly way more than you want to know.  But I thought I would share a little of  what I learned.
 1-Women:
  a-where you are in your cycle is actually significant to how you should prepare for and recover from a race.  Depending on where you are at, there is a difference on if you should eat more carbs, or more sugar, there is a difference in your hormone levels that will affect your speed and your recovery time. Surprisingly- apart from the cramps- shark week is supposedly one one the most effective and good times for you to run.   want to know more?  here is one of the many articles I read.  -http://www.runnersworld.com/race-training/how-menstruation-affects-your-running?page=single   Also I can't remember the other article I read, but one of them mentioned the Diva Cup. I don't know if you have heard of the Diva Cup. I only heard about it a few months ago, but I decided to try it during this last "Shark Week"  Its a silicon cup you can use instead of a tampon. It can stay in a lot longer.  I liked many things about it.  One thing, for me personally, was I found when i used it, my cramps were less severe. I have no idea why. I don't know if it was a mental thing, or if there is some science to that, but for me, I had less cramps, and I am glad I chose that option for during my running time. That is all I will say about that. If you are interested, I highly suggest you research the Diva Cup, and other similar products (other brands are available).  It was recommended by one of the articles i read for long distance running, because you can go 10-12 hours without messing with it.  'Nuf said.

b- Thanks again to Lolo Jones, I learned another fact for women a few months ago. Women and men have different needs when it comes to hydration, and recovery needs for protein and carbs. see this lovely articlehttp://www.outsideonline.com/1784951/are-hydration-rules-different-women?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=facebookpost and as both this, and the other article states, where you are in your cycle matters on these matters.  Key points in case you don't want to read-  its more important that we have sodium/electrolytes in our drinks to stay hydrated, we need more protein to recover, and we have a shorter (only 30 mins) window to get those recover proteins and carbs into our system.

2- For those of us in our late late 20's and up:  In preparation for the swimming parts of things, I read Olympic Swimmer Dara Torres' book "Age is Just A Number". I learned some very valuable things. Most importantly, if you are an older athlete, you need to train different, and you need to listen to your body. Less intensity, greater recovery time. Its a good book, and I highly recommend it. One really great thing i discovered from this book is Resistance Stretching.  It is a way of both stretching your muscles and warming them up. I woke up early to do this before the race, and I like to do it before swimming too. The good news?  Videos are available free on YouTube.

Also, because I am older. I have some injuries to deal with. Though I am mostly healed, I have had issues with Plantar faciaitis, and Achilles tendinitis. And I decided to do a test "run" with my play list, phone pocket, and outfit on Thursday night, and I had a twinge in the top of my foot.  Because of the Olympics, I became familiar with a new kind of tape. Physio tape, as the British call it, or Kinestetic Tape, or sports tape as we call it here in America, is a new way to tape up your known injuries/recoveries so that they are supported and don't get injured again, with out the bulky wraps of yester-year.  I went with KT tape, but more experimenting is going to need to be done to find the right brand for me, because I had major issues with it not sticking well enough, and I followed their videos and directions as best i could. Of course, i did have way more on than just the single things they showed in their videos, so that may have affected things, but i had multiple injuries. It did its job, and I had the support i needed, and my tendons are grateful. But it did look like my skin was peeling off at the end of the race, because all my flesh colored tape was falling off. 

my probably over taped but well supported pre-race foot.

Race Time!

So I woke up at 5 am on the race day. I started my pre-race play list on my phone, so I could get into the zone. I took a shower to raise my core body temperature. I did resistance stretching, i cleaned my legs with rubbing alcohol, I taped my feet/legs, I put on my running gear, I ate a quick bowl of oatmeal- not too much, but just enough as recommended by everything I googled. I did a lot of research on what to eat the night before/morning of. Although it did recommend things like baked potatoes, pasta, oatmeal, chicken and fish for my meals, it also always emphasized not eating too much. If you want to carb load, do it the week before the race, not the day before.  Also do not eat anything spicy. I have similar things on my Tuesdays when I swim. I plan my meals very carefully for swimming, down to what hour I eat what. If not, you could have tummy trouble and no one wants that. In the pool, you could shut the whole place down if you aren't careful, on the road it would just be really really gross, uncomfortable, and embarrassing if you do not plan and you have issues. 

So I finally left my house at 8 am. I will be honest, I did not hydrate well. But this also meant that I didn't have to pee as much, and good thing because the line for the pre-race port-a-potty was ridiculous.  I went any way, just to be sure, but I was able to race with a comfortable bladder. I did small drink a Gatorade as i ran, but I should have been as careful with my hydration as i was with my food, and I was not. This was a mistake. I should have hydrated well starting days before, and not just by drinking water- as previously stated electrolytes and salt are important with that water so your body can hold onto it a bit and use it when needed.  After the race, I had muscle cramps in my quads. If I had hydrated better, that may have been avoidable.  

When you go to a race, if you can, it may be better to get your packet the day before. I got mine the morning of. I pre-registered, so that was good, I avoided a much longer line. But then we had the dilemma of this bag, I had no idea what to do with it. and a tee shirt I couldn't exactly just change into for the race then and there, because I'm a Mormon and we keep things modest, plus no one wants to see me with just a sports bra on top, even if its just for a second. I'm not in that kind of shape. 

Bib Time: So In my packet was my bib, and like a million safety pins. I don't know what all the extras are for? I guess people loose them?  maybe?  any way, it was fun and awkward to pin on. I was worried about stabbing myself, but i didn't.

This bib is cool because its all electronic-y and so they could record our times using this thing, but we weren't supposed to bend it. I was worried about what "Bend" entails, since i strapped it on my stomach, and it got  little, curvy.  but it was fine. 

At the starting line, I was with my friends. They let us have music in this one, and I was glad. I'm sure I can run without, but, it helped me to not be nervous, to be in "the Zone"  and to have fun. I did a lot of dancing and singing as a warm up, and my cute little running buddy (I think she is 10) danced a long with me.  This was my play list for the entire day. warm up, run, and cool down:

• 
  

  airplanes (b.o.b.), Awake My soul (mumford &Sons), Beautiful Life (ace of base), Zinadine (Pascal Obispo), Fan (Pascal Obispo), Brave (sara Barelles), Chandelier (glee cast), Chariots of Fire, Chasing Cars (snow Patrol), Counting Stars (one republic), Don't Stop Believing ( I have the bag pipe version, and the glee version), Dreams (brandie Carlile), Fight Song (Rachel Platten), Fire Work (katy Perry), Forever Young (brandi Carlile), Happy (Pherell Williams), Heartbeat Song (kelly Clarkson), I lived (one republic or glee cast), Its Time ( Imagine Dragons), Price Tag (jessie J), Pride and Joy (brandi Carlile), Radio Active (imagine Dragons), Roar (katy Perry), Roll Away Your Stone (mumford and sons), Shake it off (taylor Swift), Shake it out (florence and the machine, Stronger (brittany Spears), Wide Awake (katy Perry), You Raise me Up (josh Grobin), Perfect (pink) Try(Pink), Sail (AWOL nation) , Let It Go (Idina Menzel), Defying Gravity (glee Cast), How To Save A Life (The Frey), The Power of the Dream (Celine Dion), Eye of the Tiger.

Even if you can't have music while you run, if you are like me you will need it for the warm up and cool down to get your focus on. Some people need silence, I do not. I very much need my music. It helps me to feel positive, calm my nerves and get into the zone. But find what works for you, and do it, and keep things routine. Another important thing, that I learned from Greys Anatomy, is Superhero Pose. If you have something important to accomplish, stand in your superhero pose for at least 30 seconds, but a minute or two would be better, before you do it. This will help you get in that super mind set of I can do this!

Running: So I will now give you the highlights of the run. I started with my friends, two families with kids. We ran down a hill, and I got way ahead. But I missed my running buddy, so i turned back, ran up the hill, till I met them. Grabbed my buddy, and we again took off in front of our pack. So yeah, i wasted energy and about 30 seconds or so of time just right here. But it was worth it, to run with my running buddy. she helped me find motivation to keep going when I wanted to quit, and wisdom to slow down when my tendons and lack of general running fitness and preparation merited a slow down and walk. That moment was pretty much when we hit the big up hill section. As my physical therapist warned me- inclines put pressure on those tendons. I did not want an injury, so with my wisdom that has come with age, I did not push it. the second those tendons started to feel irritated, i backed off. and I think its good that I did. The very hardest part of the mile course was blessed with some encouragement. People dressed in Viking outfits gave us high fives as we reached our small summit, and headed to the final down hill, and the final turns. Then my magnetic pocket fell out of my shorts at the bottom of the hill, and i lost another 20 seconds picking it up, and restarting my play list. I was not crossing that finish line without my music. And this was my favorite part of the race. Did I mention I was a sprinter, not a distance runner? well its true. I love to run, all out for short distances. I hate going slow so i can make it long distances. Boring. Boring. Boring. I picked up my pocket/phone, shoved it back into position, and sprinted about a block. I felt alive, invigorated, and oh so pumped up and happy. me and my friend crossed the line at just over 11:44 min. In junior high gym class, they tried to make us run a 12 min mile, and i couldn't do it then, so now that I'm older I was really happy that I had done.

The Finish Line: The finish line greeted us with free water, vitamin water enhancers, bananas, oranges, and Cliff Bars. We waited for our friends, Got our times, and saw my land lord be the first one across the finish line for the 5 mile race. It was good times. then we walked about a mile back to our cars for our cool down. stretching and talking along our way. Cool downs are super important, so is stretching, and hydration and food. If you are a man, you have 2 hrs to get those things right. If you are a woman, you have 30 minutes. Use them wisely.

Some other recovery tips I learned:

I had my first Ice Bath after this race. Ice baths are good for helping your muscles heal faster, for healing micro tears, and a bunch of other stuff. http://runnersconnect.net/running-injury-prevention/recovery-from-running-hard-workouts/ It was really cold. and not fun for a couple minutes, but it felt really good after it was all over. Another good thing to do later in the evening is to take a hot Epsom salt bath. I did both. I should have done the Ice Bath much sooner than I did, but I was tired so i took a nap instead. A nap is a good thing, but make sure you have done your stretching, eating, drinking and icing before, or your muscles will just tense up while you sleep .Give your body some time to heal itself. All of this is helpful for any sport, and any distance, if you need to recover, google some of this stuff, and find out some more about it. also, Massages are a good thing, but do not get them during the day you have raced. Wait, and get them 24-48 hrs later.http://www.active.com/running/articles/after-the-race According to everything I read, and I read a lot getting them the day of is less helpful.

Things I wished I had done to prepare: I am pleased with myself for testing my shoes before hand, Learning how to tie my shoes different ways- tricks such as the heal lock, and things like that. However, deciding you will do a run 5 days before the run, probably isn't the best way to go about it. It would be fine, probably if I ran regularly. I don't. I hadn't ran at all in months, and due to my injuries, i haven't ran/walked for more than 18 minutes. and that was doing run/walk intervals. usually i make it all of 3 minutes. So i wasn't physically completely prepared for this. I was wise about that though, and chose to do the 1 mile, not the 5. The 5 would have killed me. I can walk a mile. I do so in about 15-20 min on a regular basis. Know your limits. I knew i could walk this if i needed to. I also wish I had planned in advance so I didn't just find out things about eating and what not the day of or the day before the race. I am excited to try this again just to find out.

Swimming Laps: So every Tuesday I have been diligently swimming laps with my friends. usually we do 14-18, 50 yard laps in 45 minutes. Many of the things I learned from this race will be also helpful for swimming, some of the things I did for swimming were helpful to running. Cross training is a good thing. mixing things up is a good thing. both work my whole body, but in different ways. There are some amazing new technologies for swimming that are coming out. There are polyester suits that last longer, Silicone swim caps, as opposed to the old latex ones, and goggles designed for swimming outside in the sun, or inside in the pool, and nose pieces that can be switched out to make them fit better. There are different kinds of swimming. Speedo has some great instructional videos to help you with your technique. http://explore.speedousa.com/speedofit/swim-tips.html featuring Olympic athletes demonstration techniques while they are being explained. Very helpful. We also got our bishops son in to help us. There is also a technique called "Perpetual motion Swimming" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97b6XIntfcc that is pretty interesting to learn about, and i have mixed in some points of this with my other swimming philosophy. Mainly, in that I now swim to improve my technique, and I don't use kick boards and fins, because I don't believe compartmentalizing my swimming helps my technique. Swimming is a whole body in unison thing, and getting that synchronicity is the key to improving my swimming.

tl:drThis has been an incredibly long blog post. Its been mainly me sharing links,interspersed with stories of my actual run, and not so much me sharing inspiration. But I wanted to share all these things I had learned with you, because they have helped me. doing all these things have changed me. I feel amazed at what my life is becoming, what I am able to do. One little thing I have started to do every day at work, is to spend as much of my day working from an elevated standing desk position as I can. When my legs fatigue, i sit and rest them, but sitting all day, at a desk can have major impacts on all these other activities. So I am changing that. Its little things like that that add up. Its the stretching, its what you eat, its the way you tie your shoes. Its the little things in life that make the biggest differences. Its choosing to smile at someone, instead of ignoring them, its getting enough sleep, and its showing people you love them. Its showing you that you love you. I ran a race with little preparation. I had a positive experience, and I learned a lot. It doesn't matter if you are running, swimming, working, gardening, or anything else in life, little things make huge differences.

April Fools day engagements

One of my friends brought up a good point this morning, that got me in blog rant mode. She was talking about the relationship  of privilege with your traditional 'I'm engaged' April fools prank. Someone else mentioned similar pranks involving fake pregnancies, and anything similar.

I for one, have never been big on April fools jokes or pranks. I think ultimately they aren't nice or funny. However, I do like clever pranks that don't hurt people. the best one I ever saw was when I was in college. My roommates boyfriend broke into our apartment while we were at church and rearranged all our furniture, beds in the living room, couches in the bedrooms. It was fun. We had a big roommate sleepover in the living room and he moved everything back for us a day or so later.

But, the engagement thing is why we are here today. I once did the fake engagement thing. I've had friends do it, I've had friends do the pregnancy prank, and then they were actually pregnant a month or two later, so that was hillarious.
But there is nothing actually funny about these pranks in general. Why? Well, let's look at that, because I can tell you from experience the only reaction I got was hurt and pissed off  disapointed people.

But I think we can gain a lot by examining why someone might want to do these pranks to begin with. So, when I did the fake engagement  I was in my mid to late twenties, in a mormon singles ward. I had endured wave after endless wave, for about  a decade by that time, of my friends getting engaged and me being left behind. I also endured mounting pressure, almost to a crushing degree to get married myself. Every failed dating relationship with a guy was just another reminder of how much I was tired of being seemingly abandoned by a new set of friends every year, and often made to feel like a second class citizen at activities that were mixed company with all the families and married folk, not to mention all the bridal showers, baby showers, and ring sharing moments in the singles ward where I just felt so left behind.

Everytime I got a boyfriend, then broke up with said boyfriend I was hit with a fresh round of 'you didn't give him a fair chance' and 'quit being so picky' which just made the idea if a day or so of congratulations you are normal like the rest of us seem totally worth all the anger I would get when I told people it was all fake. Well, in some ways, it was worth it, and some it wasnt, I'll be honest.

we put ridiculous amounts of pressure on people especially in mormon culture to get married and have babies. Often dispite the fact that pressure helps no one accomplish either of these things, and usually just opens up deep and gaping holes of hurt for those who can't conform, or maybe for a variety of personal reasons don't really want to conform, we culturally continue to heap on additional pressures the more time that goes by without the individual or couple 'succeeding' to meet these expectations.

What we don't think about are the things we can't or won't see, the quiet desires of their  hearts, their circumstances, etc.

I'm pretty gay, as I've hinted or openly said on this blog before, and eventually I've come to accept that the whole dating guys thing just turns me into an irritable, not pleasant person, because it's something I did only to please everyone else and conform to societal pressures. I do want companionship, and a family, sometimes desperately, and so I think, let's try again, and let's try a little harder this time. And i get the same results, and I believe that hits the definition of insanity.

I have other single friends, straight single friends that also desperately want a family, and a husband and kids, but also for various reasons, so far that's not working for them, and a little understanding and a little less judging would go a long way for them as well.

I also have married friends who want kids and can't have them. Pressure doesn't help that situation either. And I even have some friends who have zero desire to get married or have kids, and that's ok I think. Because if they just did those things to please everyone else they probably would be miserable to live with and not that great of parents.

I guess  what I am saying today is, when someone pranks you about any of those serious, important life events today, maybe consider for a second the pressure they may be under. And when someone's life doesn't meet your expectations for them, realize they aren't doing it to hurt you, or to disapointing you, or deny you grandchildren and what not. And maybe just find a way to recognize the value of their diversity to society, even if it's a 'choice' you disagree with, find a way to appreciate them for who they are and what they are, not who and what they are expected to do and be.

Rant over and out.

Sugar update- over 30 days

Well, my rule was away from refined sugar as much as is humanly possible. I got a nasty cold this week, and I had a lot of cough drops. I don't know how that will effect things. but I had to have cough drops.

 Other than that, before I managed to get sick, I was feeling really great. The side effects of sugar withdrawal were gone, and I was feeling great. Cravings were even starting to go. Then I had cough drops and started dreaming about a cronut cake (something I should definitely invent someday) and my area manager came to town and put girl scout cookies by my desk all week. Being sick makes me want to eat sugar more than normal. So its a bit of a struggle still, but apart from the cough drops, we're still soldiering on, and I think doing well. Apart from the effects of this cold- coughing, sneezing, etc I feel excellent, and have for about a week.  Once I hit day 21 things felt really amazing.   

Glee Finale Thoughts (spoilers)

  Those of you who know me, know that I quite recently got hard core into Glee. I love it, mostly. Of course, I did sing goodbye to our French exchange student when she left, rather than saying a traditional farewell. In fact, I think you will find I have always preferred to express my feelings by singing, skating, or dancing them out when it comes to deep emotions.  For somethings, words alone are not enough.

   So when I finally got talked into watching Glee, just before the start of its final season, I binged seasons 1-4 in about a week on Netflix, because I loved it. well, until season 4. I hated season 4. That was a major mess, which I intend to never subject myself to ever again.  But season 5 got better and so I was excited for season 6 to start up.

 I do like to save up shows and watch them all at once. I don't have patience to watch things the traditional way, and I would have given up on Glee in season 4 for sure if I had watched it like a normal person.

 Season 6 started, and I loved it as much as seasons 1,2, and 3.  It felt like it was back to what worked. It was balanced, between the comedy, drama, and diva-ness. Good song choices were being made, and my hopes were high.  Then we had the episode A Wedding, and my hopes for things done right this season skyrocketed.  I think that may be my favorite episode. Its at least in my top 5.  It was funny, good songs, everyone was there, it wasn't Rachel centric.  Maybe that's something important for me to point out right here. I mostly can't stand Rachel Berry.  I can stand her more in season six than I could previously, but I've never been a fan.  I like all the other characters on Glee, and I think they are all far more interesting than Rachel. I also don't super love Will Schuster, but I'm not going to go into that.  Those two factors may have something to do with why I didn't love the finale.

 So the finale of Glee was a two part-er. The first part flashed back to 2009. This part of it, I loved. Although I hoped we would have seen at least a few more glimpses of the other key glee club member, just a little bit. Other than Puck being a bully, and Blaine in the background (which was very cute) I didn't see anyone. And maybe that was down to actor availability, but  It would have been nice.  But, I mostly loved 2009. I loved learning more about Kurt's back story, I loved seeing more of Tina, and Artie, and that really vulnerable moment with Mercedes crying in a church. I loved that they ended it with classic footage that included Finn and Don't Stop Believing .  This part of the finale, was incredibly well done, and I was satisfied with it.

 Then we got to dreams come true, the second half of the finale, and I feel like it all fell apart. There were really great moments, Sues song apology to will, Sues run in with Becky Jackson, the nice set up for the future.  The Kaine flash forward was fun. Even Rachel being their surrogate, that was a fun twist, it gave me hope. and then it fizzled in the end,  it felt incomplete. The last song and everyone on stage lacked inspirational goodbye quality. it seemed impersonal, and dedicating the auditorium to Finn was nice, but it just seemed kind of empty unconnected to him with that song choice. We got no follow up information on some of our very important characters with our flash forward- Santana, Brittany, Quinn, Puck, coach Beiste, kitty. So many people were just pretty much ignored in this finale it didn't feel like a proper goodbye to anything.  Mercedes goodbye song was a far better end than that was.   I expected so much. and maybe that's the problem. flashing forward and then to current repeatedly made it feel choppy. Finn, and the memorial they said they would be doing  for  him felt pretty much absent to me.  That final episode for me, was a fail. They could have done better, they should have done better. And now that is what we are left with.

 Its like on A Christmas Story, when he finally gets that decoder ring, and hes so excited, and writing down the message, thinking its some great secret spy message, and it ends up just saying "drink more Ovaltine"   I'm sad about that, because there is no other episode to redeem that ending.   Glee,  as John  Candy once said to the Disney version of the Jamaican Bobsled team, "It was yours for the taking, and you choked."   I went back and watched A Wedding again, so I could go to sleep on a happy fulfilled feeling note.  As a positive though, I will say that most the song choices for the finale were really great. Lea Michele's solo, Sues song to will,  even Klaine's song was great.  But as they say, all's well that ends well. and the last minutes of this were a mess and it left a bad taste in my mouth and ruined the rest of it for me, like finding someone else's hair in an other wise perfect piece of cake.

Dear other TV shows I watch,

please learn from this, and do not do this to me ever again. Finales are important, make sure they actually work start to finish. DO NOT DROP THE BALL inches from the end zone.
Thanks,
             Mandi

18 Days Off Sugar

 Hello, My name is Mandi, and apparently I am addicted to refined sugars.

Today is my 18th day not eating refined sugars. I am allowing honey, and fruit, and things in my food that I can't completely get around. I mean, I can't make everything myself all the time, that would be exhausting, but as much as is Americanly possible, I am avoiding refined sugars.

 This has been an interesting, and extremely difficult 18 days, far more difficult than I ever thought when I started it.  I decided on Mardi Gras, probably mid lunch time festivities, that since one of my co-workers was going to try to live healthy and exercise for lent, maybe that would be a good idea and I would join in too. And then I realized, i already eat fairly healthy and exercise pretty much daily, at every opportunity I get. So, that wasn't specific enough. I'm a Mormon, so we don't really do lent, as a religious body. We do monthly 24 hr fasts from all food and drink (including water) so  I think that is enough fasting pretty much for anyone.

 But, we do believe in being healthy, getting closer to God, and weeding things out of our lives that interfere with either of those two things. So, as I finished yet another snickers bar I had hidden in my drawer at work, I realized something, as my exercise regime had improved over the last year, so had my chocolate/ candy bar/ cake/ doughnut eating. And I didn't like that, that was counter productive.  Almost as a sign from God a few friends posted some articles on FB about how bad refined sugar is and how addictive it is, with studies comparing its effects on our brains to crack.  My decision was made, I would go without refined sugar for lent, and see what happened.  At the end, hopefully I would eat less of it.

I didn't think this was going to be hard. Partly, because I am a Mormon, and I have no idea how long lent actually lasts. I thought I only needed to make it a month, to Saint Patricks day. difficult, I thought, but totally doable. Later I found out lent was 40 days, so like a few weeks longer. Which was fine, because all those articles I read said something about 40 days being a good amount of time to kick the habit and form new ones. Then, yesterday I decided to look it up and discovered I need to make it to the Saturday before Easter Sunday. I broke down and cried a bit, because I didn't think I could do it.  I can do it, and I will do it, and I don't plan to go back to eating refined sugar except on special occasions, a decision I made around day 7.

The first few days of this, were a little tough. I kind of wanted my habitual post lunch work time treat.  I tried eating fruit, and other things, it was fine, it wasn't completely satisfying but it was fine. I have to walk past Top Pot doughnuts every day to work, so that was a little hard to have that reminder, but I don't like Top Pot, so it was fine. I used to have reoccurring dreams about a field of doughnuts that I could just eat and new ones would pop up as a child. I have always loved doughnuts, and I always will, but Top Pot is my least favorite of all doughnuts ever. Some people like them, they just aren't for me.  So I'm glad its Top Pot and not Crispy Cream or that little shop at Pike Place market that I have to walk past every morning.

Any way, by day 3 I started to notice I was angry. A lot. I wanted a doughnut or snickers or something, I wanted it now, and I wanted to punch someone, anyone really, because I had made the choice to not eat doughnuts or Snickers, and I was now feeling angry about that, and also refusing to cave. Also my sense of smell has become highly sensitive to sugary things. Everything smells like sugar, every where, and its all I want, but also what I don't want.  I also just started to feel really emotional and moody, and kind of out of control.

By day 7 I started to feel like I was perhaps going crazy. I felt like a drug addict. My eyes felt all dark circle-y and I was tired, and angry and emotional, and I just felt really crappy. Then the headaches started. Oh my the headaches. My co worker told me I looked like I was in severe pain. And I was. I took some Advil, that didn't help. I ate some fruit, that didn't help. I exercised. Making yourself exercise with a blinding headache is not easy to do, but it helped, for about an hour at a time, it made the headache less intense and made me feel almost normal again, with a little rush of adrenaline. Unfortunately I did have to work, so I was limited how often I could exercise, but I tried to walk around and do stuff as much as possible. I also tried to drink more water, because people were telling me that would help, but then I got moody and didn't want to drink the water, and it was an uphill battle. Water helped a little, exercise helped a lot, nothing else seemed to make any difference.

 All my friends that have done this before said this would last probably till the end of the second week. and it did. It started to get better on about day 12, and the headache lifted on day 14 like clockwork.

It was at this point, I decided that it wasn't worth it to ever get so attached to sugar again. I will never do this again, I will never have headaches like this again. So I boxed up my sugar, and I'm giving it to a large family. I seriously have a box of white sugar, powdered sugar, and like candy things. I had that much sugar in my house. Its a big box. Anything that has this kind of an effect on a person, anything that is this painful to give up, that doesn't really have any merits of continuing to be used should NEVER be reintroduced to my life.  However, there are birthday parties, and retirement parties, and ward parties, and special occasions. I don't want to not be able to enjoy doughnuts ever again, and things like that. I just shouldn't enjoy them regularly. They probably should remain only a special treat. I hope at the end of 40+ days my tastes will have changed enough, that I don't really want them all the time any more, and keeping that special times only thing will be do able. I think it will happen, because I lived in Lithuania and came back to America and found the amount of sugar in things here compared to there absolutely abhorrent and disgusting when I got back, and only very slowly re-Americanized my palate.

Which takes us to this week, and today.  Headache is gone, most of the mood swings and anger is gone. (most, i still get pretty moody around 2pm at work, when i normally would have had my treat, but this is now exercise time, so that helps). I also found a few other people that are giving up refined sugar and we have become a support system for each other.  Ive picked up a new problem this week though, everything tastes disgusting to me, and food has lost all its joy.  I wrote a friend last night, and complained that I missed food making me happy. I didn't mean in an eating your feelings sense, I actually feel pretty happy in general right now, I just mean, that rush you get when you eat something and it makes you feel all excited and you want to eat more of it.   Honey and fruit isn't tricking my brain into that feeling, dispute the fact that they are a kind of sugar, which means all those things I read about refined sugar having similar effects on your brain to crack are kind of hitting home. I'm not even sure I want a snickers bar any more, I just want to feel that feeling when you eat one.   Last night was a particularly low spot for me, so a friend sent me this clip as encouragement

I want to see this now. because I believe it is accurate, just based off my experience in the past 18 days.  Another point this trailer brings up is Fat shaming, and blaming people and their exercise levels, This is a topic for another blog, but I will be blogging it.

 Giving up sugar is hard. hard hard. I've given up all sorts of things far easier than this. I once was told by an addiction counselor that I had a "white knuckle" ability like no one he had ever seen before. I am good at toughing things out. He then also had me work through the real issues at the time, so I didn't have to do that. but the point is, Sugar addiction is real, and its hard to give up. I am having a massively hard time. But it can be done, if you do it wisely.  Everything I read did not recommend giving it up cold turkey, because most people fail. they recommend gradually doing it. I think I can do this, and get through it, with help from my friends. I don't think I could do gradual, I'm not good at that sort of thing.  But as hard as this is, I'm very happy with my decision to make this change, even if it has been very painful and emotional at times.   Day 18, not even half way there yet, but I'm finally starting to feel good, and I have hope that I will enjoy food again soon, real food, without processed sugars. 

A Piece of Me

     I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days about how I hardly ever blog any more, and I don't really have a big desire to.  I think I have shared a great deal with everyone in this blog, and I don't regret anything I have shared. In fact, I have shared a lot with the world at large via the Internet.

   I have always been a very mood based writer, artist, whatever.  I do stuff when the mood strikes me and it goes really well. If I do stuff when the mood doesn't strike me, its usually totally crap. Probably because everything I do has to be generated from a genuine and authentic place or it appears just as it is, superficial and half hearted.

 When I do something with all my heart, its amazing and right, and it shows. So I'm not saying I'm not going to blog any more. But for a while, I'm probably not going to say much, because I don't have much to say to this audience.  I guess right now, the things I have to say, and do are targeted to more specific audiences, and a general audience such as this just isn't going to be a place where I feel I can share my whole heart. It will come off half arsed and half hearted if I try.

  Ive noticed something, when I perform one of my songs, or I write something really dear to me, its like I give this little piece of me to the world.  Anyone can grab at it, I loose control of it.  I'm mostly OK with this, because usually it helps people. I love to help people, and I don't regret putting myself out there to help people. But something else happens too, and I think we do this with actors and rock stars and what not.

 When someone puts a piece of themselves out there, even if its in the form of a fictional character on TV,  and we relate to it, or in some way it enriches our lives, then a bond is formed.  They probably bonded with their work, and you bond with their work, But you don't usually really bond with each other, just that work. And you appreciate the work, the talent, the rawness, and the effort, and I think we all want to form a real bond based on that. But then the reality of it is, that the bond of the work just as much gets in the way of a real bond, as anything else does.

  I have people come up to me all the time and how much they love my blog and the things I write, or how entertaining my facebook posts are. I really appreciate that, but also sometimes its really scary. Because here I am pouring my heart and soul into something, and in the first moment you are like is anyone even reading it? do they appreciate it? was it worth putting it out there? and you look for some kind of validation, that your risk was worth it.  Then you start to get one or two likes. Sometimes those likes come from people that really matter to you, and you are happy, because in reality, you kind of just wanted to only share it with them to begin with.  But then more people like and comment on your work, and shiz gets real, and you are like Whoa!! people are actually reading this, and thinking things about this, and its not just those 5 people I know love me no matter what its everyone.

I've had people tell me that I am funny, clever, brave, honest, that I changed their lives or helped them out.  I've not had too much in the way of negative, and I am grateful for that. I am happy to enrich your lives in some way.  But its still kind of scary for me whenever I hear these things, because usually it doesn't come with much more than that.  If it does, then usually its some suggestion of how I should live my life and do this or that, or some way that someone has misapplied my story to their cause. That happens because that is how we bond with people we take their experiences through our cultural lens and bend and apply it to our world view.

  The times when all this becomes truly worth it to me though, all this writing, singing, painting and sharing pieces of myself, are when  you and I use that work, to remove the walls between us, and actually bond in some meaningful way. When my story, or your story, opens up the conversation between two real humans, when perceptions are clarified, when both sides give a piece of themselves and then a true friendship is created because of  that work.

 When you appreciate my words, or my music, or my paintings, or my thoughts, quietly to yourself, or with a small thank you I appreciate that, even when it kind of scares me. But when you open up as I opened up and share back, a friendship is formed,or deepened, and that is the greatest reward available to a person for putting that piece of themselves out there.

 I promise you, I will keep writing, when I feel like writing. I will keep singing when I feel like singing, and I will keep painting when I feel like painting, and I will dance my face off when its time for me to dance, or skate. I promise you, when I do stuff, I will do it with all my heart.  And though I may practice to keep up on skills, I also promise, not to do these things half heartily, because you deserve more than that, and so do I.

 All I ask of you in return, is that you not be afraid to open yourselves up either when that moment hits you, and you can whole heartily share some piece of yourself with the world, or with a group  of people, or with one person.   Don't let fear and vulnerability stop you, don't let other peoples opinions stop you, from sharing that piece of yourself  that will change the whole world for someone else.  And, if someone has changed the whole world for you, don't be afraid to tell them so, not in a quiet whisper, or a single ambiguous word, but in some hole hearted way reciprocating that same energy they put out their that benefited you.  We can make this world so much more amazing than it is, when we become unafraid to share that amazingness within ourselves that we all hide to some degree or other.

 What the world needs now, is love, sweet love. it truly is the only thing that their is just to little of, and you cannot have love without vulnerability, without risking something, and putting your whole heart and soul behind it. 

2014, Into The Woods

Ok Yesterday I had every intention of writing a reflective blog post, but a headache, and muscle aches from dancing too hard into the new year delayed me to today.

It did not, however, delay me seeing into the woods, which I loved, and which has application in this blog post.

Last year was the year I wondered courageously past the forest of feelings, covered in 2013 (also a frightening place) into the  self discovery woods. I too wondered into those woods because of a dream, and learned a few hard lessons, but in the end, I found I was never alone, and that  though I had changed greatly, and the journey was sometimes rough and scary, I wouldn't have traded it for the world. And perhaps now I can live somewhere between  a dream and a nightmare. 

Ok, enough into the woods talk, what was 2014? Well, it was the year that I learned to embrace and love myself, I think as fully and completely  as one can. It wasn't easy to do. There were some moments of anger, some moments of deep soul searching, and some moments that were quite new and scarry adventures.

But I've come out of it feeling more emotionally stable than ever before. I could use a label, like happy or content to discribe my ending place for the year, but that's not quite accurate. I'm not unhappy, in fact I'd say I'm closer to happy than I've ever been in my life, but I don't know that happy is my goal. Rather, I'm not depressed, and I haven't been depressed for the longest span possibly in my life, and I am at peace. The anger that plagued parts of this year is gone, and I'm at peace with myself and this crazy world. And I'm content  with being at peace and not being depressed.

I am happy to have reached a point where I just accept and love all of me, and I couldn't  have done that without my best friends, including my savior Jesus Christ, but also others, who accepted me for me on the days I struggled to do the same.

I will forever look back at 2014 with  warm fuzzy loving memories,  and really only good thoughts, because in the end, she set me free, and gave me confidence, a new kind of courage, love, and peace. By the end of the year, I know mostly, who I am, what I want, where I want to go, and I've learned to live my life so that I will be pleased with me, and to not worry so much about disapointing or pleasing others.

Wow, lessons I wish I learned earlier, but glad I learned at least not any later. 2015 has come, and I believe I will just keep going as I have done in 2014, by being and embracing me, and by being the person that i can live with. Every year, as it begins, kind of speaks to me in a way. As 2015 began, a feeling inside me changed.

The journey this year takes off where the last one ended. Now that I know myself so well, I feel like I can truly begin to know God. 2015, is going to be a year of deeper spiritual discovery, I can feel it. My relationship  with God got a lot more deep and personal last year, and I have a feeling that this  year will be spiritually definative. My liahona, If you will, went into what felt like super mode at the stroke of midnight on new years, and I'm excited by that feeling and possibility, that I am perhaps now prepared to learn things I hadn't before. I don't really  know how that should be, because I've always been a fairly spiritual person, but I feel like this year will be a journey through the valley of the saints. 

Ok enough of my random babbling. Happy New Year to all.