I'm The One Who Writes My Own Story

"When we deny our story, it defines us. When we own our story, we have the power to write our own brave ending" - Brene Brown

 I just got home from my last counseling appointment - for now.  Dealing with bullying, death, and a break up in a short amount of time gave me the opportunity to meet an incredible man,and  try an incredible new to me therapy called EMDR. In a very short period of time I was able to feel like i was handling messy life again. In parting words today, he said to me- "Just keep owning your truth."

 I also recently finished Abby Wambach's Memoir "Forward", which was probably one of the best books I have ever read.  What I loved most about it was that she owned her truth, and she took labels given to her throughout her life, by herself or others, and owned them by defining them for herself, and in so doing removed the shame others could put on those things, and empowered herself to move FORWARD.

As I read this, and in the weeks that have passed, I have thought about some of the labels I have been given in my own life, pieces of who I am, though not the whole puzzle.  If I were to write a Memoir in the style of Forward, What labels would be my chapter headings?

Girl
Tomboy
Shy
New Girl
Nerd
Mormon
Good Girl
The most Olympic non Olympian you have ever met
Athlete
Figure Skater
Stubborn
Same Sex Attracted
Gay
Queer
Pansexual
Bisexual
Soccer player
Determined
Apostate
Renegade
Tree Huger
conservationist
Conservative
Moderate
Liberal
Spiritual
Confused
Activist
Employee
Leader
Missionary
Returned Missionary
Friend
intelligent
creative
Single
Engaged
Ex
INFJ
Feminist
Utahan
Weirdo
Polyglot



I think those are some of my most prominent labels in my life.  They are all representative of pieces of my history, both parts of who I am, and who I was, and who I continue to be.  The thing about labels is, they can be forced onto us, and when they are someone else is writing the definition. But if I have learned anything from the queer community, it is that owning these pieces of yourself, you can take the true part of the label to yourself. You can discard the untrue parts, and you can change the parts you no longer want to be, and you can find beauty in the parts that are you, that others may disregard, or look down on.

 Owning my Mormon part, my beautiful heritage inspired the title of this blog. As a teenager I spent a lot of time listening to my "My Turn On Earth" soundtrack. There was a song, I don't remember all the words, but  these ones I still find inspiring....

         I'm the one that writes my own story, I decide the person I'll be.
 What goes in the plot and what will not, is pretty much up to me.
     Everyone who writes his own story, now and then will make some mistakes
but given some care, they needn't stay there, and this is all that it takes...
    you don't try to hide it, do try to right it, then you wont do it again.
I'm they one that writes my own story, I decided who I'll be.


In her book Abby owned some mistakes she had made, and then she didn't hide it in shame, she owned it. The end of her book you felt she felt empowered by so doing,  to go make her life her own, to go make it what she wanted it to be. She said many times "Who do you want to be? how do you want to get there?" were important questions she encouraged people to ask themselves.

 I have learned in my short life, that that is what is important. Not who everyone else thinks I am or wants me to be, but who I think I am,and who I want to be. That is the truth I must ask of myself. I must write my own story, not someone elses. Labels do not take away from or add to our ability to do that. We all have labels attached to our lives.  But what does that label mean to you?  what does that piece of you mean to you?  and what do you want it to mean or become?

one of my mission companions taught me a valuable lesson one day, as we were walking around Lithuania.  "I'm just really stubborn"  I remember saying to her.  I have never forgotten her reply  "No. You are determined... when you use your powers for good. You are only stubborn when you use those same powers for evil."

In that moment I learned words have positive and negative connotations. For every bad label, there is a positive one for the same trait, and we can define that for ourselves.

Almost a year ago I felt I had been given a label that didn't suit me, that wasn't me in Apostate- as you can see it up on my list. Right next to it, you will find the word Renegade that I felt defined me better, and which I attached to because of a song.

Renegades

X Ambassadors

Run away with me
Lost souls and reverie
Running wild and running free
Two kids, you and me

And I say
Hey, hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Renegades, renegades

Long live the pioneers
Rebels and mutineers
Go forth and have no fear
Come close the end is near

And I say hey, hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Renegades, renegades

All hail the underdogs
All hail the new kids
All hail the outlaws
Spielberg's and Kubrick's

It's our time to make a move
It's our time to make amends
It's our time to break the rules
Let's begin

And I say hey, hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Leaving like we're renegades
Renegades, renegades

This song resonated deeply with me, the mention of pioneers,  I felt honored my honoring my moral inner compass in my decisions, and hearkened back to also honor my heritage and ancestors.  so that meant a lot to me.

And I share this,not to get into a discussion about my religious and spiritual evolution, but because that for me, was a moment where I felt my story had been written in part for me by unwanted and unwelcome labels being attached to me, and I felt empowered by finding a word of similar meaning that resonated more deeply for me. By owning the label renegade, I lost the shame of the label apostate.

The point of all this, is  that your life is yours, and even when you make some big mistakes, or when people think you are making a mistake, and you feel shame, or feel shamed, you can write your own story, and you can move FORWARD.  and that is super beautiful, and super inspiring to me. Owning my truth is inspiring to me, and others owning their truth, is even more inspiring to me. I am very glad Abby Wambach bravely told her own tale, rather than hiding in shame and letting the world tell it for her.

Beautiful: Celebrating Our Daughters

As I said a few months ago, with everything going on, I will be having My friend Melissa Malcolm guest blog.  Melissa Malcolm is queer woman of color who has been sharing her experiences of homophobia and racism throughout social media.  Last time she shared some thoughts  in an article called "Please Don't Justify the Hate"    This time she will share her thoughts an experience about body shaming and race issues.  Please enjoy.

                                 Beautiful : Celebrating our Daughters

                                                              By MELISSA MALCOLM

I was food shopping several weeks and ago I noticed a little girl about 4 or 5 look up at me and point to my hair in excitement.

“Look !! the girl exclaimed her hair is like mine !.” Our eyes locked for a moment and happiness spread from her face to mine and  back again.  Her hair was LIKE mine. Curly ,out and beautiful.

     The moment was suddenly interrupted  by a large gasp. Her grandmother leaned over half whispering  “thats not nice..... don’t say that ........ wild hair is not good , her  hair is just

all over the place.........”. I  forced a smile on my face as I kindly told the little girl how beautiful her hair was and tried to strike up a conversation with grandma.

    I noticed that the little girls eyes were no longer shining bright and her smile was replaced by a sudden heavy  shame that I could feel.  We talked a politely for a few minutes but I could see

the Grandmothers embarrassment only growing as she took her granddaughter by the hand and they

slipped down the next isle. I could seen the pain in this child eyes which pierced my soul.  I wanted  nothing more to run over give her a hug and say your hair is beautiful...You are Beautiful.

    I have carried this experience around for sometime and decided

I would use this situation for the positive. I want to celebrate our young girls of color and I am asking it to start with you .  Read on for ways to help our  precious ones cultivate self -love and acceptance.

                         H. A .I. R.

Honor :

-Teach young girls from an early age that are to honored for who they are and what they want to accomplish in this life. 

- Emphasize her personal characteristics when describing her to other people. She will learn that who she is more than her hair or her body.

- Reinforce that what she looks like is beautiful its natural form. Curly hair is just as beautiful as straight hair, an Afro is not less than a straight ponytail. How she and you decide to rock it should be honored by you and the family.

-Have her learn about other women of color and their contributions to society including those in the beauty and fashion industries.

Abolish:

-Negative thinking about your hair as she will pick up on this and begin to do the same

- That notion that she must have a certain hairstyle to fit in with peers

-  Feeling obligated to go out buy the most expensive products or hair pieces to appease her need to for acceptance. Let it start within first !

- How you view people of different skin shades : We have all heard the jokes about “redbones” or “so dark that they have to smile to be seen”. The words we use send a message about what is acceptable and what is not.

Insist :

-That people not talk about your child's person or hair as if it strange and out of the ordinary. It is OK for people to ask questions but it is not OK for people to touch and browse without asking. It is not OK for people to gawk and say insensitive comments such as “can you get a comb through that”

- That your child's school understand that she is not trying to be a rebel when she wants to wear Nubian knots or Afro puffs.   That it is NOT EVER OK for children to mock or tease someone because of their hair .  It  NOT EVER OK for the children who is being bullied to have change themselves to appease the bully.

- That she learn how to style , braid and adorn her own hair as she

gets older so that she can find pride in taking care of herself and understanding her own hair texture.

Remember

- Supply her with Mass Media , Dolls , and images of women from all

over the world doing great things. Let her see that beauty comes in

all shapes,sizes , colors and  from every continent on the earth.

- You and the other “elders” of the family are her first role models

and she will look at your bar for beauty standards and

self-acceptance.  If you want her bar to be raised high , then you

must raise yours first.

- Have continued discussions about this issues of race ,self -love

and personal acceptance .When she comes to you about stories of rejection or hurt ,make sure to make a learning experience.  Take time to help her build skills to deal with situations that may arise.

- If you are a parent that is a not a person of color ,it is still OK to talk to your daughter about these issues. If there is something that

you can’t answer , be honest and tell her you don’t know but you will work on finding the answer.

 If she is old enough , then she can help you. After all,we all here  to learn from each other .

As we work on loving our daughters and help them to love themselves,

we will create a powerful society of  teachers, leaders, an trailblazers.  It is more than just the Hair, “The  here and now “or the “here we go” moments of life.

 It is about raising up and saying we are not going anywhere.  It is saying to society you may try to erase us , but we  will not disappear... It is saying we are HERE.

*Note from Mandi:  I had no idea what this "redbones" term means, so

I asked Melissa.  She said  "redbones" is

" a degrotory word used to descirbe a person of color who is fair.

It refers to the fact that you can easily see under the skin"

Also, here is a link to what Urban dictonary has to say on the term http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=redbone

Day 1

WARNING: CONTAINS SPELLING ERRORS. If you are sensitive and prone to being upset about spelling and gramatical errors, please read the following with caution. My spell check is not working, and I have never been good at spelling. Thank you.


  This is going to be an unusual post, I guess after having my first long, mutually loving relationship/ and very short engagement come to an end, that shouldn't be a surprising thing. Actually, probably all my posts are unusual because they are written by me, and I am unique and unusual.

  Any way, I saw Ghostbusters for the third time today. I love that movie, Holtzman is my happy place, if that's possible, yup. Mentally inserting Holtzman right by my bag piper man in his kilt on the banks of the Loch somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, and now all is right with the world as the piper pipes on.

 So I woke up at 6:30 this morning, even though I was trying to sleep in, because I kept seeing my ex in my dreams, and my heart would kind of hurt and I jerked awake like I had fallen off a cliff. By the last time this happened at 6:30, I was really tired of it and gave up on sleep.  I think I worked on my facebook soccer team management for a while instead.  By a while I mean until about 10.

 I also made a new Lithuanian friend today, through this game. I bought one of his players on the transfer market.  Some random facts about my soccer team in the game- They are called the Seattle Rise, and my supporters are  called 'the hope and the heart'  I did this intentionally because its hillarious when my team scores a goal and the game says the hope and the heart are singing, or when someone doesn't score and it says the hope and the heart are dissapointed, or the hope and the heart are  starting to get restless.   At one point, I also had a goalie (that I didn't name, I bought him on transfer market) named Jesus Hills.  I thought that was hilarious. Jesus Hills (Jesus Heals)  and since he was a goalie, Jesus also saves.  ha ha ha. that's brilliant.  

 Any way,  I did not intend to talk about my soccer team all day. I did spend a lot of time with them today. But I've also started this new therapy for trauma, because someone caused me trauma a month ago and bullied me after I got engaged. Any way, its this EMDR therapy, its an interesting rapid eye movement thing.  My homework this week, was just to note things I do that are unusual for me.

 Ive had a very hard time, because well- things have been not great with my now ex, and last week a friend died, and then yesterday we broke up. So if nothing is usual, how do I know what is a reaction to the therapy, that is different, and what I am just doing different because my life is so full of grieving and weirdness right now? After my  last friend died, I did all sorts of unusual things, like, completely redecorate my house.

 Well, today I did something really unusual. and I don't know why, if its therapy, or just grief, but it was super cool. and kind of frightening.  So starting during Ghostbusters, I just started noticing and naming exactly how I was feeling, and then telling my friend "I'm feeling shame" "I'm feeling  grief for the loss of the new life I was planing"  Things like that.

  It was very empowering, but also frightening a bit to know exactly what combination of things were creating the deep heavy pain in my heart, or the tears welling up in my eyes.  I felt a lot of shame earlier in the day. A LOT. Shame for failing, shame for not knowing this would not work out, shame for trying, shame for believing I was going to be a part of a new family, shame for all the people that might think this failure was a sign from God that I was doing something wrong.   But then I told my friend that went to Ghostbusters with me exactly what I was feeling, and the moment I owned that shame, It went away.   After that, I don't think I felt much shame again. And as the day progressed, and my Whack- A-Mole of feelings and emotions popped in and out, and I named the thing, I felt it, I owned it, and onward we went.  Guys, it was really hard.  More than a few times I wanted to find something, anything to numb that pain.

 When that happened, I told my friend. We talked about it. We talked in depth about how numbing the pain never works, that you can't escape it, and you are just delaying healing from it. Together, with my friend I faced the thing I wanted to hide from. I faced it, and then it would go. Something new would soon come, and I would face it again. It was a tough day, with lots of feelings.  It was also a good day, with an army of friends and family loving, supporting, and listening to me. It was a good day with a bit of healing words between me and my ex even.  It was a super hard day.  but it was still good. I also had a lot of dog support today, mine and my friends. nothing is better than a dog. A dog, and Kate McKinnon, and friends. and hugs and comfort food.  I also faced a lot of uncertinty today. My whole life plan just changed, and I was planing some big plans, and now I just don't know what Im supposed to do, or what I want to do, or what I should do with my housing situation, but I need to make some kind of decision in a month or two- so no pressure.

Any way, that was day one. I felt at times this was a great decison on the part of my ex, and other times a horrible decision, and sometimes I felt ripped off and sometimes I just wanted to hide somewhere from everything.  But at the end of the day, I now get to go to sleep, and I think I will sleep better, because I faced the shame, I faced the uncertanty and I faced all the stuff. That is my hope.


Speaking of Hope, Hope Solo got a 6 mo suspension and her USWNT contract terminated. I think the suspension is even a bit excessive, but probably a good way to calm the masses seeking blood and vengance because its a big thing to hate on Hope Solo.   I think the contract termination is over kill.

A friend asked me how I feel if she isn't on the team ever again and her international carrer is over. I feel like its time to give some other goalies a look in, but I disagree with how this is being done, and I dont think she needs to be kicked off the team for the rest of forever.  I know a lot of people will be happy to have her gone, but I dont think its the best way to go about this, and I dont think its the best thing for the team, the country or the fans.  And I agree with the national team's union, that its sexist overkill.  They wouldnt do that for the men for that mild of comments. and you can argue what you want about an accumulation of past mistakes, but I dont think this is really justified. Suspension, yes. Contract termenation- no. And you can say what you want about that assult issue with her nephew, but there are a lot more question marks that I found with that case than I think has ever been fairly represented by the media, and until a court determines there was really something meriting great concern there- Im gonna say we should withold judgement. Again, not a popular opinion, but I think we should rise above being petty with Hope.   She should be held acountable for her actions yes, but some actions we dont quite have the full story on , and we may never. Public opinion shouldn't be judge and jury for the courts or for her national team employment status. Sponsers- yes. Obviously.


Any way, thanks for reading my rambling, as always. 

The Sign of The Awkward Turtle

         If I have learned anything in my life, its that life is often awkward, and when life is awkward, you can slink away from it,  or you can greet it with open and loving arms.  The first option, usually means you are going to miss out on something awesome because of fear and awkwardness.  The second option is probably going to be excruciating, but often pays a high reward for the risk.

         So, how did I learn this lesson?  As a life long flee-er of conflict and awkwardness I owe what many of you call bravery to a really fine man I once dated.  He was set up to be my blind date, but I cheated and Facebook stalked him, and then decided to risk it all and contact him before hand for introductions.  As we chatted  and prepared for the dreaded face to face meeting, we both knew there would be awkward moments. There already had been, but hiding behind a computer it was a lot less scary. So this brilliant man instituted a way we could laugh and get out of the painfulness of it all, should anything truly awkward happen (and it did). He instituted the sign of the awkward turtle.

       The sign of the awkward turtle- putting one hand palm down on top of the other (also palm down) and wiggling or rotating both your thumbs. This is the awkward turtle.  and his function was to acknowledge that big fat awkward elephant in the room, so everyone could just move on with minimal embarrassment.   On the night that we did meet, we went rock climbing, and didn't pass the belaying first, but he belayed me any way. And  he did my harness wrong (which could have probably killed or injured me, but sometimes you live on the edge right? no it was stupid, don't do that).  Any way, eventually we both got in sever trouble for it, and rightly so. and he felt embarrassed, and i felt embarrassed for me and embarrassed for him, because he got chastised the most.  The sign of the awkward turtle saved the night and it ended up being one of my best dates ever, that turned into two weeks of dates followed by a severely broken heart, with an even bigger awkward turtle moment, but no need to go into that, it no longer matters. at all.

     So in life, sometimes people die and we don't quite know what to say. we are uncomfortable with that feeling, it is an awkward painful moment. I'm feeling that moment a lot right now. Or sometimes people say stuff about us that isn't true, relationships go a rye,  people do things we disagree with, and fights happen, and  sometimes Hope Solo makes comments  the media shame her for and her team mates more awkwardly heap on the shame and make things more awkward and horrible.  

  You know what- Pause-  So I don't think anyone agrees with what Hope said post match. I think Hope right now is probably like- oh sh!t, maybe that wasn't the smartest thing to say. But, you know she is human, and some humans just don't handle things  like that well, I don't think its the most horrible thing on the planet to be frustrated after loosing a game and call someone a coward for not playing the way you expected. Its not polite, and its really not the smartest comment, because Sweden was tactically brilliant to do that.  But, all of her team mates calling Hope out, all this crap from the media about it- its WORSE than what Hope said. Stop shaming the woman, lets just all bring out the sign of the awkward turtle. Embrace the fact that its an awkward situation, maybe help Hope not talk to reporters when shes heated, and stop making the awkward and the pain WORSE!!!

 So- UN pause-  basically what I have learned in life is that awkward happens. and you can either embraces that it is awkward, acknowledge awkward. give  awkward a big hug and tell it that you love it, or  make things worse and miss out on so much good that could have been.  Pause again-   Megan Rapinoe is someone I massively look up to, but reading her comments about Hopes comments, well. Megan is human too. It wasn't very inspiring to see her jumping on the shame Hope bandwagon. Yes, Hope could have reacted better if she wasn't Hope Solo.  She is Hope Solo, so she was probably doing her best, and could have said much worse.  How about instead of shaming Hope, her team starts saying- Hope is a human, She says dumb stuff sometimes. It doesn't make her a bad person, She is a great and passionate goalie, and Sweden, by the way, were tactically brilliant.  We can say nice things about both sides, and not make anyone a bad guy and tear them down.   Megan- you are still my inspiration, and I respect your human reaction to your team mates human reaction, but enough of this already everyone!! quit it with the Hope shaming. just quit.  lets pull out the awkward turtle and just admit, we are all human and we are all saying really stupid and more damaging things by continuing to talk about this in this way.        


UN PAUSE-
So  in summary life is full of humans and awkward. When we open up and are vulnerable, we are human and awkward. When we get hurt, or are in pain its awkward.  None of us are perfect and we all say and do things we shouldn't and its awkward.  Why then don't we just fly our awkward turtles, laugh a bit at our pain, hug it out, and embrace the awkward. Come to think of it, in another USWNT example, I'm pretty sure that's what Abby Wambach did with her DUI.  AWKWARD TURTLE- sorry everyone. To say this all  in a more Brene Brown sort of verbiage- when something happens that makes us want to disconnect from humanity, let us wisely and carefully find a way to keep connecting and being vulnerable.  In the process it will probably come out awkward and wrong, but if we embrace that we can say "Hey, I'm awkward, how are you, are you awkward too? oh good, there is a pair of us.. lets just be awkward friends and enjoy that."  

Its not bravery, or it shouldn't be to acknowledge and embrace those awkward things that happened and keep connecting. What it is, is really the only way to heal a horrible situation,  to get through those horrible painful feelings.

I don't know. As always I'm just kind of rambling, I'm not even sure this made sense because it turned into a rant about people throwing Hope Solo under the bus. There are a lot worse things people have done that should actually be receiving scrutiny worthy of correction for not being "in the Olympic spirit" or even a remotely decent thing to do (cough, cough Ryan Lochte)

 But, life with its little awkward times, the sooner we are all OK with those truly awkward moments that get big that shouldn't, and acknowledge that's just how it is, humans are awkward,  and embrace it, the less pain and awkward we will all have to deal with on the day to day.  Learn to love awkward,  and it will start to love you back. learn to love your humanity, and it will human you back. um.. . i don't know what that means... awkward turtle... k bye.                  




          AWWWWWWWWKWARD HUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I love you awkwardness, my friend.

A Time For Hope

Anyone who knows me knows that every two years, for 16 or so days, I get a little bit obsessed and captivated. Since I was a very small girl the Olympic Games have inspired me deeply and greatly.

Through the years, there have been scandals,  and bombings, and bribes, and doping; Hitler, and Putin and cold war boycotts. The Olympic Games, the IOC, the athletes, the judges, the hosts- none are perfect or blameless, and improvements in all should be pushed for just as those athletes push themselves to become better and better at their craft.

This Games will not be without problem, or controversy, and things must improve in future

But despite all that, I find myself again a child on opening ceremony day. Something about the flame of the cauldron and the parade of nations will deeply touch my soul and inspire me to love harder, dream bigger, and work for that dream. It will give me hope in a time that seems to be dominated by fear in the world. Why though?

Ive been reading a lot of Brene Brown lately, so I think I am begining to understand what is truely so spiritual to me about the Olympics,  and the World Cup. Human connectedness.  That thing we all deeply need, that thing that heals nations and souls.

And there will be moments that will temporarily break that connection, but for the most part, the next few weeks something deeply opposite of the hate, dividing, and fear mongering the world has experienced so much of this year.

For the next few weeks nations will come together, people will push on and give it their all when all hope of winning is lost, humans will connect beyond boundaries and divisions and differences, and I will cry happy tears. Lots of happy tears.

Remeber these words from Modern Olympic founder Pierre de Corbertin

" The important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win, but to take part; the important thing in Life is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well. To spread these principles is to build up a strong and more valiant and, above all, more scrupulous and more generous humanity"

And let the Games, and the human connection begin.

Please Dont Justify The Hate

Because Im gonna be busy for a while, from time to time Ive decided to have guest bloggers. Today I have my first guest blogger, Melissa Malcolm, who will share some of her thoughts and experiences on some very important subjects.

Melissa Malcolm is queer woman of color who has been sharing her experiences of homophobia and racism throughout social media.

Please Dont Justify the Hate, by Melissa Malcom

#Pleasedontjustifythehate

1. There are many wonderful Police Officers and other Law Enforcement Professionals. They go to work and risk their lives to help everyone. I have personally seen some wonderful Police Officers who have gone above and beyond their call of duty. They work with youth and families to create safe communities . The media will never highlight these individuals . The Media will only show what people will watch because just like everyone else ,they are a business looking to make money. Killing Police Officers because of the actions of other Police Officers is not justified and should not be condoned. #Pleasedontjustifythehate

2. There is a serious issue throughout this country with Young Black Men being killed at the hands of law enforcement. This has resulted in the Black Lives Matters Movement. Many people feel that it is racist to focus to say only one life matters. The BLM is not say only one life matters.  It is trying to bring attention to situation that needs to be fixed. For example , if someone is drowning in a pool , you would say "so and so is drowning" lets help them. This does not mean the rest of the people in the pool don't matter.  During the Holocaust millions of Jews perished in horrific ways. Before the Jews , people with special needs and other groups were killed at Hitlers Command. Remembering and honoring those who were Jewish and lost their lives and were survivors is not diminishing the other lives lost. It is saying to everyone that this act was wrong and we stand with you. Also people of ALL races march ,protest and get petitions signed in honor of Black Lives Matter. Those use BLM as a reason to  harm and kill others do not represent the movement they represent hate.
#Pleasedontjustifythehate

3. I have noticed an alarming trend in regards to Social Media. People have gotten what I like to call " Media Muscles". They like to say unkind,homophobic, prejudiced , racist and demeaning things about other people. They hide behind their devices like the KKK hides behind their hoods. I am asking all my family and friends to #thinkbeforeyoupost. The words you say and share can cause someone to want to kill  themselves.  Tyler Perry once said (quoting his grandmother) " Take God with you .....and wherever you can't take God don't Go.....". I would also add " Take Kindness with you and wherever you can't take Kindness don't go". #Pleasedontjustifythehate

4. I am a person of color and every day I am targeting because of my race. I am targeted by my "own people" as much as I am targeted by those who think I am another race. I have recently heard several friends tell me that racism doesn't exist anymore or that it is thing of the "deep south". I am here to tell you that racism does exist and it effects my life each and every day. I realize that it is easy for someone to deny something that they don't experience or understand. If you would like to discuss this with me , I am a open book.  #Pleasedontjustifythehate

Thank-you for reading ! If you wish to comment , feel free but please keep the tone respectful and remember #Pleasedontjustifythehate

My Engagement Story

Its really late, and I would like to be asleep right now, but I made a promise I would blog and tell you all the story about how I got engaged, and I know I wont sleep tonight unless I keep it so here goes...

 I really wish I could tell this when I was in the perfect mood, when I wasn't physically and emotionally exhausted from an exciting and emotional weekend and first day of the week back at work. But, lets face it, I got a lot going on right now, so I'm probably not ever going to be in the perfect place to write this- I will either be getting a million things done, talking to my fiancee and or her family/ my friends etc. so you will just have to enjoy this less than perfect tail of a really awesome day in my life.

Day? did I say day?  Rome wasn't built in a day, and an engagement doesn't happen in a day either. I met Brandi a year ago today. Exactly.  We "met" on a dating app called Plenty of Fish. but I had lovingly nick named it Piece of Fish, because my luck in meeting people on dating sites was over all, pretty crap. we talked briefly via text, and I had tickets to a Reign game so she was going to be my date, but she wanted to meet first somewhere else, so she decided to come over here, and we could maybe go to lavender festival. I screen dates extensively, and she checked out.  I also had decided to get my hair cut that day, and I had a lot of hair, so it took way longer than normal and I was three hours late for our date. I texted her well in advance and she kindly still came over, a little later for me, so that i could finish my hair cut.  Even with the delay, i was an additional hour late, but it was worth it, I looked and felt awesome. Cutting my hair made me feel like myself, so I was really confident.

 I must say, that I didn't think that first date was going to go anywhere before it happend. It never did before that, so why would it now?  But Brandi and I clicked instantly. I found in her someone that was honest, that had a good heart, deep faith,  and that I instinctively felt I could trust.  we started dating pretty much that moment we met. We had some ups and downs and even a "break"  along the way, but each hiccup only brought us closer together and deepened our trust for one another.

fast forward a year, and I am meeting her and her daughter to go to yet another Seattle Reign game. They are the best, and I have season tickets so we go together as often as I can persuade Brandi and anyone else to join me.  So last Saturday there was a 7 PM game. I volunteer some weeks to help the Reign with set up or handing out programs.  This week I volunteered to help set up their retail store at the game, which is set up and taken down before each game.   Brandi and her daughter came early and went to a bite of Seattle (or so I thought)  while I worked at the stadium. We got there just before 11 AM I gave Brandi her anniversary present ( an autographed shirt of her favorite soccer player.) and then had to say goodbye for a few hours.

 Side Note: Its important to note at this point in the story, that for the past two weeks I myself have been thinking of proposing. I had two really cool Ideas that I had come up with and had ran passed a multitude of friends- 1- I was going to use my connections at the Reign and  surprise her while she was getting a photo with her very favorite player, and 2- I was thinking of  asking her at the highland games in a couple weeks. I hand paint family crests, so I was going to paint one with her families crest, and Then I was going to show it to her, and give her the one with the Marquardt crest, and ask her if she "would do me the honor of making our engagement official as we pursue the unification of our two ancient and noble house holds"  but that didn't happen because....

  While I was working in the stadium, Brandi  and  (to protect the young and so forth I will just call her A), Brandi and A walked all the way down to Pike Place market, Found rings, Picked the one they thought was best, Brandi the ring, and A the bag it went in. And using some wizard skills I didn't know of, Brandi guessed my ring size (for my right hand) correctly based off how it fit her when she tried on my Claudah(sp?) ring.   (one small problem later, when we discovered my left hand ring finger is at least a size smaller than the right. who knew?)

 any way, so they walk all the way down there, and all the way back with all their bags and stuff because they were coming to stay at my house after the game, and had been dropped off because of car problems. So that is a long way for a 9 year old to walk, especaily with stuff. So A was a little tired and grumpy by the time  they got back. This  combined with  Brandi not wanting to do a big public thing, and wanting to have my furbaby present so it was a full family deal- waited all the way until 11 pm that evening when we got home from the game. completely surprised me, and popped out a lovely ring and asked me if i would marry her. Obviously, we were on the same page, and I said  "what! you beat me to it!!!!  yes."  Then  I told her about my ploting and gave her my family crest.

So for those who keep asking about the date:

We are planning to wait for about a year, because we have to figure out where we are going to live, and a ton of other stuff first. I'm trying to buy a house, but the market is crazy right now, so that must be sorted before we can even begin to worry about a wedding, it may take a while.  Its kind of a big deal to bring a family together, and especially one that already comes with  a 9 year old and a really crazy also 9 year old Jack Russell, so for those wanting a date, you are going to have to be patient, we will let you know when we have done all the stuff we have to do before we can worry about that.  I hope this takes care of all your questions and things that you want to know,  because I really need to go to bed now.

 Thanks again for all the love and support.  It has meant a lot to us already that so many of our friends are expressing love and not giving us heaps of hurt and rejection. We have already each faced some of that, even today, but it was far far out weighed by love and support and that means the world to us. This was a day and a weekend that made me so extreemely happy, and the only thing that has dampened it at all is knowing that some people that I really care about don't feel happy with me, but I recognize I can't change that,  All I can do is continue on in this journey of love, and rejoice in the many many friends and family that are celebrating with us.  Thank you all so much. 

Why Pride?

Grammar Nazis please be warned, im exhausted, and writing this on my phone. So it will be full of errors, and I really cant be bothered at this point to spell check or fix them. Sorry for any pain this may cause your soul.

Ok, so this post has been rolling around and ranting in my head for a while. I've debated if it needs to be written, or if I am even qualified to write it. But the end of June, and Pride month is nigh, and basically I need something to do to keep me awake on the ferry ride home, so that I have some chance of breaking my pattern this week and being able to fall asleep before one am.

Also, the other day, my friend who is a great friend, and a great ally, asked me a legitimate question, that I think a lot of people have, but are afraid to ask, because in asking, you will often get your head bit off.  So im just going to give you my best answer, in my very fatigued state, with my limited knowledge and experience.

The questions my friend asked me, were why do you need pride? Why dont we have heterosexual pride? Why is there black history month? Why isn't there white history month? And why did you guys steal the rainbow from everyone else?

So, the reason you might get your head bit off for asking these things, is that it reveals just how privileged your life is, and how little you understand or think about how much your life and culture surrounds you and is broadly accepted and the norm in everyone's day to day. Its ok, honestly, I've asked some of those questions at points in my life as well, im not going to bite your head off.

What I would like to do instead is just share a few things, not all the things, because there are a lot of reasons to answer all the questions above, and like I said, I havent been sleeping much this week and my brain is just too tired to do all the answering. So here is a start...

Why pride? Well first maybe we should answer what is Gay/LGBT+ pride, and why is it mostly in June? Why do gay people get to have a party and celebrate their depraved lives by naming around on floats mostly naked? (I wrote that, because I know some of you think that, not because it is at all how I feel, obviously).

Pride started, as I understand it, from the stone wall riots in New York, decades ago.  Basically gay people were being arrested, beaten, and treated rather horribly for just existing, so lead by trans women of color and lesbians they started protesting for their right to exist and be treated as humans.  Though pride can look a bit like a party, and sometimes there is half naked dancing on floats, and sometimes there is just general nakedness, this is not always the case, nor is it the point. Pride is a peaceful protest of those who wish we dont exist by lgbt people banding together and just existing. In public. Sometimes very loudly, and sometimes pretty family ly. Thats not really a word, but im tired so it is today.

Especially this year after orland, it was a time of saying, you may kill us, but we are still going to keep existing and loving, and being ourselves any way. But we would love it if you would stop killing and beating us, and just let us be, just as you are.

See, sometimes people beat or kill LGBT people just for how they look, how they dress, or for something as simple as holding hands. Probably most at risk are trans women of color. And that's just sad humanity. Sad, sad, it makes me sad.

But even more than that, a lot of lgbt people are often very isolated, feel alone, and are taught to hate themselves. One month a year there is a place to come together and know, hey im not the only one having this life experience that is completely different than I was told it should be.

So what is pride like any way? I know before I went, I had a lot of different ideas, mostly I thought it was just crazy off the wall debauchery.  My first pride three years ago completely shattered that idea. I went to a small county pride, in kitsap county. It was tiny.  There wasnt even a parade. Just a bunch of booths, mostly with resources to help people survive in a very lonely and isolated world where they didn't exactly seem to fit. I found a book club there, and mostly, it was kind of boring, and very family friendly. There were drag queens, that was the only thing I saw there that fit my pre conceived notions. It was a quiet, peaceful, sunday gathering, where people were just safe to publicly be with their family. Families that arent always welcomed, families that may normally get people saying rude or threatening things to them, or weird stare, here they could just be.

The next year I went to Seattle's pride. And I marched with mormons building bridges. This was quite a different experience, because seattle pride is massive, and I just did the main parade. And we did wait next to a float of scantily clad men dancing on a float. And the quite oppositly clad  gay dads. And though this second year of pride, I saw a lot more body parts and dancing, I still also just saw a lot of families, together.

This year I didnt march. I went with some friends,  and my girlfriend and her daughter. There was still a festivness, and dancing. But it was also very somber. Lots of remembrances for those that died in orlando. And, though they are also there every year, it seemed even more so this year- a great many people showed up to pride to protest our existance.

Every year people die during pride, killed by people who dont want lgbt people to exist. This happens outside of pride too, but going to pride isn't completely risk free, and this year that was more apparent than ever. Some people I know chose to stay home with their families, and not take that risk. No one can blame them.

When holding the person you loves hand is such a risk, when any show of affection  could result in a violent death, that is why there is pride. When countries still put people in jail, or to death who are consenting adults, just for loving eachother. That is why there is pride. If you want heterosexual pride, im sure you could have a celebration, and no one would stop you. But you can kiss your spouse in public, and no one will kill you for it, and apart from maybe some awkward teenagers that would mock anything and everything, no ones probably going to say anything to you about it either.

So, thats not every reason, or a full and comprehensive history,  but basically thats why there is pride. So some people that are pretty marginalized have a day, a month, a time, to carve out some kind of existance against a society still full of people trying desperately to extinguish their exiatance.

I have a question though,  if you did go forward with it, and decided you wanted to have straight person pride, what would that look like? How would it be different from your day to day?  I personally think it would get pretty boring, pretty quickly, because its so run of the mill, I dont know that it would be worth the effort. I mean, look at valentines day. People already dread that a lot.  Pretty much you can celebrate your existance by being you every day, and no one is gonna much hassle you for it, unless you are being a jerk to others...

Which leads me on to black history month, and why we dont have white history month and celebrations. Have you ever opened a history book? Did you ever notice how most the people we learn about are white males, with the occasional some one else thrown in? So since that is history 24-7, 12-365, what other corner of history would you like? I mean, there is seriously only the limit of available records and archeological findings stopping you learning all about white history,  and even then, you kind of need to pick a specialty, because there is so much available. But how much do you know, beyond Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr (and very basically at that) about black history? How about Pacific islanders, or Asians in your part of the world? What about the Hispanic and native american cultures? Did they have no great importance or bearing on our history? In our current society? I think they do, and these months are an opportunity to celebrate and learn about cultures and people that we dont really get to hear very much about in history class, or otherwise, unless you really work to persue it on your own.

Also, have you thought about the number of historical/cultural celebrations available for learning about say, european ancestors? Like viking fest in poulsbo, and the highland games/clan gatherings all over the us, in utah -the days of 47, Pioneer day celebrations, Oktoberfest is another,  and the list goes on and on. There are so many days and ways to celebrate your white heritage, pretty much year round. You've already got that covered, but its so abundant,  it can be hard to recognize. I wont get into racial privilege, and systematic oppression, im tired, and this is long, so, some other day. But, seriously we have p leanty of white culture and history,  no one is shorting us by adding their stories to humanity for a month a year as well.

Lastly, on the rainbow.  I will share a link to a video on how the pride flag (click flag) came about, and then im just gonna say this... the rainbow is a natural occurring beauty, that a plethora of peoples and cultures have used through time to convey symbols of their culture, religion, or mythology. Everyone has and will to continue to use it for something deeply and personally symbolic to them, and or their culture, and no one group doing  that can take away from the meaning of another. If the rainbow appears to have been commandeered from your culture and appropriated by another, that speaks more of your own personal loss of the personal meaning of your cultures interpretation of its depth and beauty. If it means anything to you, no one else's meaning of it can steal from your own, be it, biblical, something to do with a pot of gold, or the beauty and spectrum of Human existance and diversity.

Well, I think I answered all I set out to. Hopefully this has given you something to think about. If it made you feel defensive, no doubt my tired tone contributed,  but also  ask yourself why? Did it make you think of something that disrupted your personal comfort, or maybe showed a bit of your privilage?  We all have privilage of some kind or another, the key is to recognize this and try to feel what someone without that might go through.

Well, I hope this made sense. I made it all the way to my car without falling asleep. Thanks for letting me ramble to stay awake, please forgive the many explanatory short comings and grammar errors.

How Do I Still Show Love To Someone I Disagree With?

 My Dad taught me a very important principle in my youth.  If one of your friends, or family members is dating/marrying someone you think is an absolute creep, and you tell them this,  you will not likely change their decision. More likely they will continue on with the decision, even if they themselves start to feel other wise, and you will ruin your relationship with that person.

I saw the wisdom in my dad's words, and over the years there have been many times I strongly disagreed with friends and family members dating choices, and bit my tongue and saved our relationship. However, in the past year, I learned that I had been approaching this all wrong, and even though I had managed to not burn any bridges by taking my dad's advice, there were things I could yet learn that would not only just preserve friendships when people made choices I disagreed with, but deepen the relationship, despite our disagreement.

 Its strange, but not strange at the same time, that the things we most feel inclined to want to correct others on, to "save them from themselves" and their bad decisions, are probably the most personal choices that we really have no business at all making for anyone but ourselves. I am as guilty of doing this as anyone, and I am trying to change.  Things like religion/spirituality/faith, dating/marriage relationships, and politics often become things that can divide the closest of friends and drive a wedge between them. These are areas we feel often morally obligated to help someone else not make a "wrong" choice.

 For the past week I have been reading a lot of Brene Brown. I do love her books, TED videos, etc. The thing that I realized this week, and in the past year, is that the important thing in life is connecting to others. As Brene says "we are hard wired for connection."  It is an intrinsic element of being a human, we need connection, love, shared emotion, and creating ties. This is what brings us all the greatest joy, creativity, and can also be tied to our deepest fears and anxieties. Acting out of fear of loosing those connections can do a lot of damage and destruction to the relationships in our lives.

 I believe now that the things my Dad started to teach me, were missing an important element:

 About 15 years ago, one of my friends married a guy that set off my creep radar like no other. I followed my dads advice and kept my mouth shut. I remained a friend, and said no ill, and our friendship was OK, but internally I constantly moralized against her choice, and it still hurt our connection. A decade later when they divorced, I expressed my sorrow to my friend, but silently inside I celebrated that I had been correct.

I missed the important opportunities with my friend both to celebrate her joy with her when she was getting married, and to truly mourn with her when that marriage was lost.  I have no idea of the intimate details of that relationship. The consequences of it were not mine to experience, and what she may have gained from it may have been worth the costs. I don't know, because I was too busy judging, and silently being morally superior to do the one thing that would have mattered- be with her in the moment, in pain, or in joy.  Because of that our friendship has less strength and connection than it could have today.

All of us will disagree with each other on some personal moral level at some point in life. We all have different journeys, experiences, and things that we find "morally abhorrent." One of my favorite Articles of Faith by Joseph Smith states "We  Claim the Privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."

I would like to build upon that a bit.

I claim the privilege of choosing who/if  I will date/marry,  and what moral and political philosophies I will espouse according to the dictates of my own conscience and allow all people the same privilege even when they don't choose how I would like them to. I will focus on emotionally connecting with my friend/ family member and rejoicing with those that rejoice and mourning with those that mourn, in their journey for who and where they are, not who I wish they were and where I wish they were at.

     This principle was taught to me by example:

A short while ago, a dear friend of mine and I were out to lunch. I had the difficult time of opening up to her about something that I knew would make her sad, choices I made that made me very happy. These changes in my life had enriched and brought more joy and peace to my life than I had ever before known. But, I knew that  they would greatly go against her morals, and cause her some cognitive dissonance as she tried to remain my friend while morally opposing the things that brought me relief, joy and enrichment.  I wanted to share these things, because they were a major part of my life, and not sharing them decreased my ability to connect with my friend on a real emotional level. It was driving a wedge for me to say nothing of these changes, yet I knew the potential that sharing them could end our friendship.  I felt conflicted about not sharing honestly this part of my life with someone who meant so much to me, as well as the pain I knew it would cause her if I shared it.

 Luckily,  many friends along the way had taught me keeping these things silent would drive an increasing wedge between our friendship, so I had to share if there was any chance at all. Before I started, I told her what I had to say was going to be hard for her to hear, that I respected her and her beliefs, and I knew that my joy might cause her some sadness, I knew how she likely felt about these things, but they were an important part of my life, and I needed to share them with her.

 I kept the details behind my decision to resign membership from our church, where our friendship had grown and developed to a minimum. That was my personal journey, and isn't something that I can explain, and sometimes in trying to explain would also be disrespectful to the joy she found in her faith.  I asked only that she remember who I am as a person, know that I had not changed, I had put a lot of time and thought and prayer into my decision, and I felt peace about it for my personal self.

 I expressed my deep respect for her, and for her religious beliefs, many of which I still felt deeply connected to, and wanted to still celebrate with her, as they brought her joy.  I told her I knew that church was a big part of her life too, and that I wanted her to feel free to share those parts of her life that were deeply meaningful and important to her. She just said she loved me, and sometimes we could agree to disagree, but it didn't need to be brought up when we disagreed, we could just be with each other where we were at, because we loved each other, and know that did not mean we had changed our moral  positions to necessarily agree with each other, but our connection and love for each other was the important thing to focus on.

 Because of that we were able, over the months that followed, to deepen our friendship. Her ability to rejoice with me in the joys, and  cry with me in the pains as I shared with her the ups and downs of my relationship with my girlfriend that I was finally able to openly discuss with her.  She didn't ever have to tell me her moral opposition to same sex relationships. I knew her belief, it was never stated, nor emotionally implied by coldness, silence, or distance. It meant the world to me that she could be there with me allowing me to share something so deeply meaningful to me, and just be happy I was happy, without a need to moralize and dampen my joy by reminding me she disagreed. Doing so would have just driven a wedge in our friendship, and killed my ability to share those parts of my life with her that are so personally meaningful to me.

This connection went both ways. When she received a calling to work as a temple worker, I was genuinely happy for her. I felt genuine anxiety with her and she talked about being overwhelmed by the responsibility and weight of this calling. I shared experiences from my past as a missionary, of not feeling like i was good enough, or magically changed from my humanness enough to be the missionary I though I should be.  I shared the comforting words my Mission President had given us that God wanted us imperfect humans doing the job for who we were, because who we individually were could touch the hearts that perfect angels might not be able to.

There are many triggering things for me right now about the LDS church, but speaking her language and relating to who she was, and what she was feeling and experiencing brought deep connection and joy to my heart, just as  happened when she spoke with me in my language about my relationship with my girlfriend. That moment was not about me and my pain, or beliefs, it was about her and her joy and  celebrating her spirituality, and comforting her anxiety where she was, with what was important to her.

In so doing, I was also able to celebrate my past, my mission, which was one of the greatest growing and joyful times of my life as well.  And by putting my personal moral disagreements with the church institution aside and being with her in that moment,  I felt great and genuine joy about the exciting spiritual things, and personal growth this calling will mean to her in her life journey.

 I guess this is a really long complex post. And the thing I'm trying to share is one that has to be experienced to be understood. But there is something truly beautiful that can come in human connectedness to our relationships when we let go of that feeling of moral obligation to force people to see the error of their choices and beliefs that are different from our own. When we just meet them where they are, rejoice with them in the things that bring them joy, cry with them in the things that bring them pain, comfort them in their own language when they need it. This allows us to step outside the confines of our own experiences,  and deepen relationships.

Sometimes, it means knowing when to hold back your personal thoughts on someones actions and beliefs. It means that we just trust and respect that they are a thoughtful adult capable of making decisions in their life for themselves. It means knowing that we cannot have all the information that they do, and  that we do not, and should not have access to everything that goes into their journey. It means knowing life is a journey, and a journey is best traveled together, in connectedness. In connectednesswe all find  the richest love, joy, and meaning in our lives.

I am not yet perfect at doing this. I still have a long way to go. But, I am glad I am finally learning, because it has made all the difference in the world to my relationships.

*the personal stories in this are a composition of people and experiences from my life to protect the identities and personal experiences of real people that are closed to me, and our personal relationships.

  

Friend Day, And My First Best Friend

Today, those of us with Facebook actively weaving its way through our lives, were given the chance to have a video montage of our friends. As I prepare for bed this evening, I realize not only did that montage only cover a small small fraction of the important people in my life, it completely missed my very first best friend. My brother, Skyler.  I have two brothers, and I love them both. Skizwyler, as we lovingly nicknamed him sometime in the late 80's.  was my best buddy from the time I was two.

 Ha ha, OK  it wasn't that instant. I actually may have hated him for coming along and stilling all my thunder with the parents for the first, I don't know, 6 months to a year. I was really mean. I destroyed all but one magically surviving baby picture, and I've been told I attempted fratricide by trying to push him out of his crib multiple times. Terrible twos, what can I say.  Any way, I am rather glad I failed, because he has always been the person in my family I can go to and talk about things, or I could just be myself around, and he still thought I was pretty cool.

 Today something else happened though, that made me think of my younger brother. On my commute home something else popped up in my Facebook feed. The death of my brothers hero. Dave Mira was a BMX biker. I spent countless hours with my brother watching him on the X games, watching my brother try not only to do the amazing tricks in the half pipe of this man, but also emulate his good spirit of reaching out to younger people to lift them up, to let them know they fit in, that they were welcome to the half pipe.

I remember the year I lived with my brother, after I graduated college. It was one of my favorite times, because we hadn't been able to see each other much when I was at school and we were on missions, and stuff. and my brother built a half pipe inside an old farm shed and dirt jumps with a launch off the top of that roof. I'm sorry, but someone does that, you know they are feeling inspired by their hero.  I remember one night we had a bon fire in the back yard and this skateboarder kid that was a little rough around the edges spent the night sleeping in the shed, and Skyler drove him home the next day.

 Today I called and  Skyler. We talked about about politics. we don't agree on who we think we are voting for, but its so rare you can be on opposite ends of the spectrum and still have a very peaceful and loving conversation but we did. We talked about that, and we talked about what a shock this death was. About how hero's are never supposed to die. not like this, not suicide at 41 when you are successful with a wife and kids. Not when you are still superman.  Hero's are human. and we have no idea why this happened. but my best friend's hero died today, and I think I'm as sad about it as my brother, because  Dave Mira is a part of who my brother is, his culture, his foundation, and I love my brother a lot, and I love the influence Dave  had on him, and in turn me.

 So all I want to say is, I guess, Dream big. Keep dreaming, and always have good hero's, because they inspire us to do things and to visions and heights we would never otherwise take. And also, never forget your first best friend, the one who may not have chosen you, but loves you like a sister or brother, because that is exactly what they are. call them sometimes, especially when their hero's die.  Because hero's aren't supposed to die, but when they do  you need a friend.

 may Dave Mira rest in peace, thank you for your contributions to me and my brothers, and really our whole neighborhood's lives, in our youth and very formative years.  All the love man.

Christmas Socks; Finding Meaning, Owning Christmas

In the corner of my dinning room, in a plastic white garbage bag with bits of duct tape coving the holes sits my old fake christmas tree. On the coffee table in my living room lies a box, also worn, and duct taped, but open with my grandma's  old nativity. I have tried for 4 days now to get myself to un pack them, and set them up as I do every year, but I cant. The action seems empty and meaningless, and this year I just can't do empty and meaningless, even for the most beautiful and happy of my traditions. Too many have died, too many have suffered, too many are homeless, too many are cold, to many are grieving. I want to do christmas, but I can't just do it. It has to mean something. See www.SafeXMas.com

Up until about 10 am this morning, I was struggling to try and force christmas, but even Celine Dion, my favorite Christmas album, couldn't do it for me. I started talking to my friend about it. I was angry at that meaningless empty tree in the corner, the nativity, beautiful, my grandmas, but still just not connected enough to my life for me to put it out. And those giant stockings my family do. I can stand in them and they go to my shoulder. They are huge. But I wasn't going to put it up this year. What's the point, what difference does it make.

Yesterday I had a deep thinking moment about Jesus. Jesus is the reason for the season, as they say, and have for much of my life. So I asked myself, what does it matter to me? Jesus, this season. Do I believe in Christ? Yes. Does it matter? Yes. Well why? Why do I care?

On a year like this where so many I love have died it feels like it should be redemption of the dead, but it's not. The dead are always with me in my heart, and a future reunion would be nice, but it still doesn't  at this time carry  that deep meaning in my soul it once did when death happened a lot in my life at a younger year. Next my mind thought of redemption from sin, which is great, but I didn't connect with that either. So I asked myself to ignore all the answers everyone else gives, and to dig into my own heart and find my own answer. Who was Jesus Christ? What does he mean to you.

My favorite scripture about Jesus has always and still is Alma 7:11-13, in the book of mormon. "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me."

That scripture kind of talks about everything I've mentioned. But the part I love, the part that sticks out to me is the part that says
" he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

In a year that has been so beautifully rich for me, full of my greatest joys, peace and happiness, but also so full of deep pain, sadness and sorrow, not for me alone but for the whole world, for my every community, what I see as the most beautiful thing about Christ, is his compassion, his empathy, his willingness to suffer every pain, and every sorrw, to walk in my shoes, and your shoes, in the homeless veteran, in the LGBT Youth rejected by their believing parents, in the shoes of the Syrian refugee, so that he would know how to truly love us, care for us, comfort us, and empower us to love and care for, to understand one another, in experiences  we have never known, experienced nor understood. That purity of love, that trueness  of friendship, that is why Christ matters to me right now, that is why I love him, that is what I want to reflect in my Christmas, that is the only thing that can mean anything to me right now. Love, kindness, compassion, empathy.

As I processed  this while talking to my friend, I told her those things had to be the key to my Christmas this year, not the movies of my childhood, or the traditions of my fathers, or the cutsie  or inspirational traditional music. Those things are all beautiful, and lovely, and they have their place, but not for me, not this year.

I had an idea. If that tree is going to go up, I have to decorate it different. Not with my traditional lithuanian ornaments, though I dearly love them, but with the faces of those I love and those I don't know that need me to do something to reach out, to make the pain a little less in this world, even if it's just remebering that they exist, that they are human, and that they ought to be loved.

Next I decided I must have my own nativity, I must make something personally meaningful to me. So randomly I chose to get plain matryoshka  dolls, and I shall paint the creche that my heart needs. I don't know what it will look like, but it will be mine, and it will mean something profound, to me.

Next I thought of that big ridiculously massive stocking, I didn't want to hang it, and have it empty or full of anything. I felt angry again. And I thought, how can you fill that with love and compassion? How can you make it mean something? If you cant, don't hang it. And I thought. Randomly the voice of Bean popped into my head. "Christmas socks!" I giggled at the goofy memory of this cartoonish character gleeful with child like joy christmas morning at pulling nothing more than the other half of a pair of socks out of his Christmas stocking, literally the other sock.  And it reminded me, I have some friends that were once homeless, they have mentioned the great need of homeless people for socks. If your feet are wet or cold, I thought, really there is nothing in the world better than warm dry socks. Me and a friend had discussed this a week ago, and how we should maybe get a few pairs of fuzzy socks for the homeless, because we truly loved these socks warming our toesies  on cold winter days.

Suddenly the greatest idea I have ever had was born. I shall fill the giant stocking with socks for the homeless. I know people that work a lot visiting homeless encampments, and helping out with various charities, a quick text and I was assured my Christmas socks could be directed to organizations  and people who can get those socks to those that truly need them. And operation christmas socks was born, and my Christmas spirit shot through the roof. No, I still don't want to listen to your Christmas music, still enjoying Adele over here, but I am genuinely excited for christmas, and for christmas socks.  Anyone who wants to join in, fill your stockings with socks, and then find a place they are needed and empty that stocking. Or if you live by me, help me fill my giant one. It's something small, but maybe it can mean something, so I'm gonna do it.

I'd like to pause a small moment, before I end this long post. I have some really amazing friends. Two of them have been deeply inspiring to me I  their efforts. One of my friends started something this year called safeXmas, she is flying to utah and inviting all the LGBT people who don't have a home or feel safe going home, or welcome for christmas, so they have a place to go, to feel loved  and safe on christmas. Her idea has deeply touched and warmed my heart, even though I have a safe and happy Christmas of my own planned. See www.safeXmas.com

My other inspiring friend , a columbine  survivor, is creating an organization, and a Web site with tools, and things to help trauma survivors. In light of all the shootings and things this year, I find that much needed  and very helpful. She is starting a fundraiser soon to get things up and running and bring that vision to life. It's called resilient hope. Check out the website, spread word of its existance. http://resilienthope.org

Any way, that Christmas for me this year, I am excited  that I owned it, that something pushed me to. Examine what could make christmas meaningful to me personally this year. My dream, shouldn't be your dream. You should find your Christmas dream. If it's connecting to your traditions, or watching buddy the elf, or singing loud for all to hear, go do that. Go do Christmas for you. I think what matters the most this time of year is finding a way to connect to that spirit of hope and joy in the darkest of days, even if you don't believe in christ, or don't celebrate christmas, in dark days finding something that brings warmth, joy and love is what we all need, to carry us through to light and sun. If you do believe in christ, I encourage you to not fall back on the "right" answers this christmas time, but truly search your soul and determine for yourself alone what that means to you.

Any way, that's enough of my ramblings. Happy Holidays. Peace is my goal, love is my journey. Peace and love to all.

Mourning With Those Who Mourn, Redecorating With Those That Redecorate

      Time has become this thing that makes no sense to me. Hours come and go, and days, and though they are full of stuff, I have no Idea or concept any more of really how much has or hasn't passed. Sometimes, I think things happened weeks ago, and it was months, sometimes I think it was months ago and it was only days. So as I write tonight, please forgive my lack of concept of time.  Its all wibbley wobbly and stuff and I can't make sense of it or make it linear for you if I tried. So please enjoy my ball of timey wimey emotions.

       I don't want to make the error of saying how many weeks ago, but I can be specific that it was not this week, and perhaps it may have been two weeks ago? but I'm not exactly sure. Some time around two weeks ago, some time in the days, possibly a week? I don't know, following the funeral of my friend Michelle, I came home to my house, and I got really sad, and really angry because I felt there was no corner of it that was not haunting me with memories of this or that thing we did that one time in my house.  You see, I've lived, surprisingly, in this house for pretty much all but 6 or 7 months of the time I knew and was friends with Michelle.  For me, that is an incredible feat. Before this house I never stayed anywhere longer than two years.  Any way, That's not really what this is about. During those years I became stable, my friendship with Michelle was key, and therefore we did stuff a lot. The other thing is, that I pretty much (also very shocking and rare) have not redecorated or rearranged my house  since just a few months before or after- see that time thing again- Michelle got married. That was an interesting and turbulent time in my personal life, but we will not go into that, it didn't have much to do with Michelle except that she was an amazing friend at helping me survive it.

 This post is about redecorating my house. So the point is, I felt I had to redecorate my house. So I did. I came home one day a week, two weeks? maybe three? and I just started ripping everything off the walls, in every room. I even took the slip cover off my couch. I just couldn't look at it any more. It wasn't that I didn't want to be reminded of my friend, it was just that I needed some spaces to breathe and not feel constantly bombarded with memories. So I made my house a blank slate, and then I started planning, and buying and creating, and decorating.  I didn't want my friend erased from my house, but I knew I had to change it to start to heal,  so the first thing I decided to do  was to revamp the friend wall, and make a special place for a handful of the people that have died in my life that needed a space. Michelle being one of them. I then also needed a friend wall that spanned a greater depth and breadth of my friends I've had throughout my life, and I needed my house to start to represent the person I have become, rather than the person I was two years ago. A major part of this redecoration thing is and was saying, feeling and defining myself for myself right now, and I think I had to do that because ....

  I feel like when you become friends with someone enough to that point where you get really vulnerable and open with each other,  when you laugh and cry together, and you talk about all sorts of stuff, and you start talking like each other, and quoting each other, its like you exchange little pieces of yourself with those friends, and you change each other, permanently, in a way that can't be unchanged. I mean, language is representative of something so much deeper within, so when I start talking like you a piece of you has become a part of me, and that happens with friends. Any way, So some part of me, I feel has died with Michelle. I have no idea what part, but there is a part, I can feel it missing. But some part of her is living on in me. Any way, tangent, but that's my thought on that. So some part of me is gone, changed, and unable to be pulled back, and this has left me with some puzzles to puzzle about what is important to me, about who I am and who I want to become and how to get there, and a lot of that is coming into my redecorating.  

 But there was something else. So I went shopping to do my redecoration, and I had to go to Walmart and look for stuff. I didn't know exactly what I was looking for, but I had a general idea, and I just sort of wandered around and felt things out. Any way, things were going really well, and I was feeling really good about what I was doing and accomplishing. Then I rounded a corner in the back of the store over by the toys. Suddenly a fresh memory hit me, one I hadn't remembered at all. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, suddenly I needed to cry, and suddenly I desperately needed to get out of that store. But I didn't.  I took some deep breaths, and I got out when I could, but I didn't run. I stayed and felt it for a moment, and remembered.

 The memory was, the real last time I had seen Michelle. I didn't remember it before that moment, because it wasn't planned, it wasn't long, and honestly it wasn't super great like the picnic I had had with her on my deck in April/June? some time in the spring months are all the same to me right now. Any way, this had been August. It was the week/ weekend before I was going to Utah to visit my parents. I remember because I was in a hurry, kind of to get away and buy some clothes for hot Utah weather and I have no idea why I was were I was, but I ran into Bryan and Michelle and all the kids trying to buy a toy for a birthday party or something (thus by the toys). They were in a hurry, I was in a hurry. I was excited to run into them, but also not because I was in a hurry. I think we may have said something about when things are less crazy we should get together and have a game night again, and that was it. we said see ya, and rushed off in our hurry.  And that was it. That was my memory, that was the last time I talked to my friend.  and that memory hit like a ton of bricks. And that still happens, I drive around places and suddenly remember something and I randomly need to cry. A song comes on that I forgot about and I need to cry, and I'm angry, and sometimes I can hear her voice in my mind, saying Michelle stuff, and I still can't believe it could possibly be real, because I can hear her, so I should be able to call her.

 Any way, this stuff is kinda rough, and probably boring to read about, or else it makes you feel sad and you want to fix things for me so I don't have to feel sad. But here's the thing, no one can fix this. no words can make it better. Hugs help, but my life is good, I am in a good, stable place where I can let these emotions exist without having them nearly destroy me as they often nearly did in my younger years. I know everything  and believe everything I need to to find my own peace, but I still gotta feel what I feel, and no one can change that or take it away, and honestly I wouldn't  want them to.

 I have learned to do what I can do when I can do it. and when to not do things because I don't have the emotional energy to do it. I'm accomplishing a lot right now, I am  dreaming big, and living big, and fighting hard and running, and eating salad and eating candy bars, and sometimes i come home and watch gymnastics and cry curled on my bed, most nights I get my studying and home work done. and I function, even though Id like to crawl into a hole till this goes away and not feel it.  then other times, I get my hair cut, and that feels great,  and I decorate my house, because I'm accomplishing something that is important to me, I figure me out, I take care of my needs, making and creating the space I need to heal and to thrive right now.  There are a lot of things I want to do right now, that I just can't, there are a lot of things I am telling myself that there is time to do in the future, just keep taking and making those small steps.  and its good, its creating positive changes all around me.  But I love my friend, and I miss her, and I miss the things I thought we might still someday do, and now cant,  and I wonder if we could  still do them, would we or was life getting too crazy and different and maybe those dreams wouldn't have survived any way. But it doesn't matter because could have doesn't help me accept reality.

 This has now become quite long (sorry, time, you know, its a problem for me right now.) I guess the point of this whole thing is just to update you, and to give you a small piece of me, because I need to give it to someone. This has changed my life, because Michelle changed my life.  Heck, I ended day light saving time two weeks early because of this, because it was too hard to wake up, but now I wake up just on time. I guess that's a silver lining, but the point is, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm a bit confused and lost, but yet more found and clear on somethings than ever before. I'm OK, in someways I'm even great, but I'm still sad and no one can or should fix it, but there should be a hole lot more hugging and that's pretty much it.  

 Thank you for letting me go on and on and on, and reading all this.  If any other family or friends are reading this, and you are feeling as many confusing things as me, and time is all weird and incomprehensible, just know you are not alone. If my experience is completely different from yours, that's OK too. We all feel and deal with things differently, and I think its important that we know that is OK. Any way, that's my update. thanks for reading all this. Please do not try to comfort me with words, I'm starting to find that annoying, though I recognize its well intended. If you want to use words just use them to be here in this moment with me, because those are the kinds of words that aren't annoying.  and most of all, if you see me in person, skip the words and just give me a hug. I often could use a hug these days, and there is no way I can get too many.  I even almost hugged a druggy homeless lady a few weeks ago, despite my germaphobia, because right now I just don't care, hugs are good, and so is hand sanetizer, Lysol, and washing things.   any way- yes. Hugs. Lots of hugs. and singing. singing is always welcome. Sing and hug. let make life Glee. why not. did they hug on glee? yeah, not all the time, but sometimes they hugged and then they sung. We should do that.  Hug and sing, and redecorate our lives and houses.