Of Waves of Sound And Silence

"Hello darkness, my old friend,I've come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,Left its seeds while I was sleeping,

And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone,

'Neath the halo of a street lamp,

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dared Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools" said I, "You do not know, silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you,

Take my arms that I might reach you"

But my words like silent raindrops fell,

And echoed

In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made And the sign flashed out its warning,

In the words that it was forming

And the signs said,

"The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls And whisper'd in the sounds of silence"

-The Sound of Silence, written by Paul Simon, cover performed by Disturbed.

I have been thinking a lot in the past few days, both of the beauty and power of silence, and its pain. In weeks past, I often felt alone, Isolated in my feelings, and experiences.  Darkness encompassed me again, as a nation, a world, friends, family were talking passed each other, ridiculing, and not listening.  Hopelessness grew. But more cutting  than words and digs, can be silence.   I thought back to just about 5, 6 months ago when I got engaged.  Yes, it hurt to have a person verbally attack me.  But far worse than that was the silence from some closest to me when I was engaged,  And the hollowness of the returning noise when that engagement ended.   I have not forgot that silence. Phone calls ended suddenly at the mention of a name, because of gender alone. Phone calls suddenly abundant because it was over. 

 I know the message that was intended (change, conform for us), but the silence is not forgotten and what it really told me was  who I cannot trust, and who I can.

"We will remember, not the words of our

 enemies, but the silence of our friends"

 -Seattle Women's march Speaker

 As I heard those sounds spoken, I knew what this woman meant, and I remembered it, and I realized that that is what is cutting the deepest, for me during this time. Its not that my friends and I have and are expressing different political views, Its the silence that comes when regardless of your views, we  ought to stand up for fellow humans that are being treated poorly, but for some reason we don't.

 "We can disagree, and still love each other, unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist"

We other, we read these words and we think "yeah, those guys aught to knock it off."  instead of taking a moment and hearing what they are saying. I'm guilty of that. I've done it. I did it just the other day. My friends had a valid complaint, and rather than hearing them I was about to say, "yeah but...." and then I paused,  I waited a day, and I came back, and I asked .... "what can we do to do this better?  to meet both our needs how can we come together on this?"

 And I don't know that I would normally do that.  But to be honest, another moment of silence changed my heart, and my fear and my loneliness and added some kindness and compassion. A lot of people have asked me what that march I went to was about. Why did I go?  Some of my friends were asked why they went when it wouldn't change anything. I can't speak for them, but I will speak for me. I went because I was feeling helpless and silenced, and voiceless. So I went to claim my voice.  And what I found was Zion. 

I found people, not just women. Old, young, black, white, Asian, Muslim,Christian, Atheist, Scientist, Disabled, Queer, Straight, Able bodied, Trans, Cis, all coming together to stand up for each other, imperfectly, but doing it all the same. Next time, perhaps we can be even more inclusive. I think the power I felt at this came directly from how inclusive it was, so if say we made more trans inclusive sinage or maybe didn't make disparaging remarks about peoples bodies to make our point (tiny hands signs im talking to you) we could get our message accross better. 

We marched, more than 10,000. 175,000. 3 Million. More. Seattle, St. George, London, Africa, Asia, Alabama.  We marched together.  And I can only speak to my experience, in one small corner of Seattle, where we marched, mostly silent, but powerfully. Police our friends, not postured to attack us, but to protect our free speech ( I will tell you this does make a difference in helping it be non violent, and there are difficult reasons to hear why they were being supports for us, but are not always for others).

The most powerful things of the day were speakers asking people to be mindful, don't step in front of those we are marching for as allies (we were all each others allies) let them lead, lets amplify each others voices.  Not to litter, because we were also standing up for the earth.  People were courteous and kind, polite.  we stopped for the disabled, we helped them. We weren't impatient with the person in front of us, even though we got tired, and hungry and sore.  at one point I needed to pee. I only saw 4 port-a-potties, the line was sooo long. but no one complained, no one pushed. They were the cleanest I have ever seen, despite being probably also the fullest. 

 And as we marched forward, in mostly quiet, waves of sound would travel occasionally forward  from behind us. You could feel that sound wave piercing, Whispered, if you will, in the sound of silence. We felt the vibration of it long before the vocal wave reached us and we joined in, to watch it travel on. POWERFUL. just a Woooooo! 

The things I gained from Saturday was the knowledge I am not alone. There are people, complete strangers even, that will stand up for me, that will stand beside me. I learned how powerful we are when we stand together, for the rights of people that are different than us. I learned that sometimes you have to give your self self care and recover, and sometimes you have to fight on, and neither one is anything to be ashamed of. I learned that if we are going to stand up for each other in these moments, we must plan and prepare for it, or we will cower and falter in adversity. I learned the positive power of sounds, and of silence, and that both are important, and both must be used, to lift, not to shame. not to beat down, but to stand up for the down beaten.  

 I have frequently thought recently, this country should probably just get a divorce, because we have some irreconcilable differences, and we may have, I'm still not sure.  

But I do know that people that are willing to stand up for each other are all over this country in the smallest towns and the largest towns.  They are republican, they are democrat, they are  independents.They are the people that realize we don't build a great America without everyone.. gay, straight, Muslim, christian, atheist, scientist, black, white, able bodied, disabled, mentally ill, "normal"   those willing to allow others to be thrown under the bus out of fear of what they will loose if women are payed equally with men in their same positions, or if some moms choose to stay at home... fail to see that all this diversity is what leads to forward movement, to progress, to invention. 

I recently discussed in a book group (haven't got to read the book yet) The Professor and the Mad Man. It is a book about a man in an asylum (mental)  who during the Victorian era was schizophrenic, and had committed a murder in what he thought self defense because  of his delusions. And felt bad about what had happened, and had others reach out to the widow to bring her support. He had been a doctor before this, and was a very intelligent man.  She reached out back and brought him books to read in the asylum. In one of the books was a pamphlet asking for help with the Oxford English dictionary. Without this man's help, we wouldn't have had the wonderful dictionary that came of his efforts, and other peoples compassion. His contribution was extraordinary. 

All people have worth. All people have value.  Not all Ideas have worth and value, but all people do. and more important than hearing each others words, are hearing each others lived experiences.  So we can have empathy, So we can start to march together, even though you may be here for one thing, and I am here for something else. I will speak up for you. will you please also speak up for me?  and for my friend over there?

As I marched with my friend, I said to her "If people could just be like this every day, we WOULD change the world"  

  I will end with the words of another march speaker

"Help us love, even those that hate us, 

so we  can change the world"

 -women's March, Seattle

Week of kindness and Week of the Phoenix Rising

Last week was the week of kindness and love in the Phoenix festival. I thought with it being christmas, and boxing day that was most appropriate. I thought it was going to be a week focused on giving to others, but I was so exhausted all week it became a week of kindness and love to self. Mostly expressed by letting myself finish Xena  and relax, and going to bed at 9 pm. Super early for me.

This week is the week of the Phoenix Rising. It is a new year. Last year was pretty crap, so now it's time to gather our strength, rise from the ashes and soar into a new year. I hope this year is better, but if it's not, I'm ready to fight to make it the best it can be. 

We still have a few feast  days and things ahead this week. So happy phoenix  festival through the 5th, and happy new year.

The Feast of the True Framily

Yesterday was the feast of the true framily. I firmly believe every good holiday should come with at least one feast day, especially if it's in the depressingly sunless winter time.

When I was on my mission, I learned that Lithuanians have this deliciously rich tradition called Kučios, or Christmas Eve. I never got to go to a real Kučios dinner, because it was a big family  day, and all the family came home from it from all over.  We went and visited and orphanage instead, which was richly rewarding.

However, because of this I have only read about all the superstitions and traditions associated with Kučios, so I never felt comfortable trying to recreate it. 

So when the time came for my own holiday season being dreamed into existance, I decided it should have a feast day on Christmas eve. And so it came to pass... ;) because I made it so.

Ever since I was at least a teenager, I've felt that the most important people in your life are your Framily. A group not bound by blood, but something stronger than blood. I always described them as  family that get you so well they are also your friends, and friends bonded so tightly to you they become as close or closer than your family.

If I were to make my own Kučios type celebration (which I did), then Framily that could come should be the ones invited, and the ones that couldn't come remembered and honnored.

Unfortunately  most people can't come on Christmas eve. But I did have a lovely 7 course meal (thanks to the instant pot and two blenders, It only took 3 hrs to make instead of a week) with my exfiancee, and I think it was a lovely healing day of friendship for us. We also did those British Christmas crackers, because I always wanted to see what they were about.

Any way, now it's christmas/hanukka, and I have left the day as it has been for my life, and I am chilling at home watching Netflix alone, and napping alot, which is exactly as I wish. 

There was one Christmas drama moment, I suppose I could share, as a Christmas bonus...

So I was talking to my mom on the phone after emptying my giant stocking of stuff my mom sent me, and Nick had had his toy for about an  hour. He managed to get the squeek out of the toy before I called , so I had put it up where he couldn't grab it (I thought)
Mid phone conversation he jumped up on the table, grabbed the squeek, and swallowed it before I could get away. So then I'm on the phone with my mom and start cussing up a storm because now I'm probably going to have to take him to the vet, and it will cost a small fortune.  It pretty much ended the call with, well let's hope it passes OK, just watch him.

20 minutes later,  he threw it up. All is well. Merry Christmas.

The Fire of the Prophetess: Phoenix Festival

There are two "burning days" during the Phoenix Festival.  You wouldn't have a Phoenix if there wasn't at least one, but we have two.

The first one was "The Burning of the Fifth" which also happens to fall on Guy Fawes/bonfire night, but for The Phoenix Fest, is about remembering the 5th of November because of the LDS Policy, and those it affected, and something is symbolically  burned  (a letter, a picture, etc.) On that day.

The second  burn day is today, the Fire of The prophetess.  Today we light on fire a symbol of things harmful or oppressive to women.  It's as simple as that.  Thinking upon what that should be, or what means today, is a personal matter requiring reflection, and action. A symbolic fire should stoke you to fight against the flames of  misogyny still running  rampant in the world, in whatever way you feel inspired to do so.

I'm just having a little fire in my fire place tonight, someday I would like to have a bonfire, but it is Dec 23rd, so it may be a bit cold. For those participating, I hope you have a wonderful Fire of the Prophetess.

The Week of the Free Spirit: Phoenix Festival

This week probably isn't what you think it is, based off of the title.  This week means that we are a good chunk of the way through Phoenix Festival, and we have had a lot of time for confronting our demons and introspection.

This week is about forgiviness, of self and others. This week is about letting go of regrets. This week means that you have confronted hard things for over a month, and now you can learn to feel  at peace with the past, and move toward the future with energy and hope.

This had been a very heavy year for most people I know. This week, know that the past can be a lesson, that it can be a steping  stone or a stumbling block. Find a way this week, to use the lessons of your past to vault you into a wonderful future.

If you feel your imperfections and errors, be kind to yourself. Keep trying, even when you fail. We are all humans and you are not alone.   This weekend I went to a skating show. I thought a lot about how as a figure skater, one of my greatest talents was to fall correctly, so I could quickly get back up and skate on. Sometimes, even I fell horribly and had to stay down for a minute to recover, but eventually, we all skate on.

Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. No one can do it alone. We are a team,  and this week is the part where we begin to dust off the ashes of our past.

Mid-winters Pride- Festival of the Phoenix

  Hey Mandi, did you already write your Phoneix Festival post this week? Week of the Weird? or something like that?  Where did that post go?

 Yes, Sunday I wrote a post for Week of the Queer-Phoenix Festival.  I deleted it.  Why?  because it was crap.  I don't write well when I am feeling vulnerable about a subject and I hold back. Sunday I felt really vulnerable, and I also felt internal pressure to write something, so I half-assed it and wrote what I consider to be absolute garbage. True, but garbage.  So I deleted it Monday.  Now its  Tuesday, and I'm ready to get real. 

 So is this post going to be about more Gay stuff? why do you feel like you have to talk about that?  why can't you just privately live that part of your life for yourself?  why you Queer people always have to be coming out, and talking about all that stuff, especially when you know a lot of us don't feel like its morally appropriate?

 Well, I guess this kind of brings me to the point of Pride in general, and my personal reason for making this week "The Week of the Queer"  which I tried to make more broad so that everyone can feel included and celebrate the beautiful pieces of themselves which aren't always appreciated by others, but in my original post, I don't think I really did a good job of explaining what or why that is. 

   The reason I need this week, is the same reason I had to delete my first post. This part of me that I have come to deeply love and enjoy and appreciate, is a part of myself that I deeply hated and fought against and tried to erase for much of my life.  I could say a great many things about cultures and religions, and shame and misunderstanding, and all of that would be true and a contributing factor, and I dare say that is the root of pride in the summer/spring months around the world. But Phoenix Festival is really about looking inside, and beyond all that exterior stuff. I still sometimes fight internal battles. It's usually now driven by external fears and residual cultural shame, but the only thing I have learned I can do about that is resist it with vulnerability. 

If you read my post earlier this week, you may have noticed it was a bit Xena obsessed. Well, that's because I am currently watching Xena, now in my mid 30's, for the first time ever.  It's something I think I really wanted to watch in my adolescence, and my parents never told me I couldn't watch it. I told me I couldn't watch it, because all of the talk of "lesbian subtext"( which turned out to be real and not just talk).  But I told me I couldn't watch it because I hated myself for being attracted physically, emotionally, and romantically to women, and I was terrified someone would figure it out.  So I made fun of Xena a lot, and I really wished I could watch it.  I am watching it now, and I love it. But now I am watching it alone. Its been off the air for years, and everyone who has watched it, is just like yeah, I watched it . Its great.  And I have no one to talk about all the deep symbolic things with. 

 Another thing I did, although I did it a week or two early, I bought a Utility Kilt, and some ties. And I wore my Kilt and Ties, and fancy button up shirts, and I wore them together. I have always loved androgynous looks, but I have been terrified to wear a tie, even after I came out, because  I still care what people think, and I am still afraid people are going to make comments and its going to hurt. Their opinions don't really matter to me, and I like how I look, but I can still be quite sensitive. 

Crappy comments happened when I cut my hair short too, and sometimes I still get crappy comments from old friends or co workers about that. I love my hair, so they can go jump in a cold lake, but it still stings.  They don't have to like it, but their opinion isn't really my business. If you don't like my clothes or my hair cut, great- don't copy my style. If you do like them, please tell me, because I'm trying to be confident about it in public, but 30-ish years of fear and hiding is a lot to overcome. 

 This is the week of the Queer. I am using it to own my own style,my own likes and dislikes that I have felt distanced from by fear my whole life. For me, that tends to skew to a relation to all things rainbow, because that's something I have had to fight myself, and external forces of societies and cultures to embrace. You may have had to fight for something else, a short haircut when you aren't gay, loving your star trek, or any number of other crappy things we ridiculously shame ourselves or others for.  This week is about publicly owning that, FOR YOURSELF.  to empower yourself to love you, to love the things you love, and to enjoy and feel passionate about the things you feel passionate about. I do put one qualification on that- since its my holiday season-  things that are not hateful, and do not harm others.   

 I shared today that I ran while listening to Imagine Me and You, the song by the Turtles, and I ran to it, because its the name of my favorite romantic comedy.  But I've never shared that that's my favorite before, because even though it is a great movie in its own right, gay or straight (I've had straight friends confirm, it is 100% worth watching even if you are not queer), it does have Lena Hadley's  character falling in love with Piper Perabo's  and I don't feel like that is something I'm allowed to share, and that feeling, is stupid.  its a great movie, and I love it. 

Another thing growing up, I always felt silenced on, was my full celebrity crush list.  because I Bisexual, (homo-Romantic just to qualify that)  I  had readily available my list of male celebrity crushes, and got to share that all the time.  But I never got to share my girl celebrity crushes, and that always really sucked.  I'm sure you can probably guess my current list- Megan Rapinoe, curler Eve Muirhead, Anna Kendrick, Kate Mckinnon, and from Xena, the actress that played Calysto- Hudson Lieck.  I could probably go on and on, but those are the top right now.  

Does it matter?  No. Not really.  But the privilege of sharing that, and not feeling fear from it is something hard fought for in my life, and its something I still battle. and that is what this week is about.  What is it hard for you to own about your likes, loves, and dislikes in life?  if you don't have anything that makes you feel super vulnerable to admit that you love,  gay, straight, and everything in between and round about you are an incredibly lucky person.  If you never have felt uncomfortable in your clothes, or your appearance, or because you like to read some book or watch some movie, or hold some ones hand,  or you have had few struggles with that since hitting adult hood, you are pretty lucky. My guess is, even the most confident among us struggle with this on some level. Our cultures and societies are  full of shame. We internalize it, and its really hard to overcome. That's why we have Megan Rapinoe writing letters to her 13 year old self and sharing it with the world, that's why we have Brene Brown, and  that's why a lot of things. 

Thank you, for taking the time to read this.  And thank you to those that read it even after reading the first post I deleted.  I would like for anyone that reads this and is willing, to give you an opportunity at the end of the week, or in the middle if you have a lot to say, to write me something to share in this blog about your Week of the Queer, your Mid-Winters Pride.  I think the more we talk and share these things with each other, the less power shame has, and the deeper the power human connection has. I love you guys, and I am so glad you give me so many opportunities to share such personal things. 

I gotta go. I only have until January 1st to finish watching Xena, then its gone from Netflix. I have an interesting fan girl theory I want to share with anyone who thinks they can appreciate it,  If that's you, message me. 

The Week of the New Spirit - Festival of the Phoenix

This week's theme is quite simple, the Week of the New Spirit is all about finding renewal and hope in life through adventure and trying something new.

As I have traveled, and moved, and tried new things in life I have found that new things expand our experiences in a way that makes the world seem less scary and strange, and expands my cultural lenses to understand people and events that aren't part of my culture or tribe.

I think that it's great that this week is starting on the heals of the announcement  about the pipeline moving out from the tribal areas for standing rock,  that anouncemnet renewed my hope in the strength of diverse groups of people standing up for eachother. 

I think we need that all year round, but especially in the cold dark winter. We can make a real difference in others lives when we stand up for and with people even when what is happening to them isn't affecting us personally, or isn't part of our lived experience.

Go forth my phoenixes, go have some adventures and get to know the world around you a little better. Do something you have never done before, and learn something that you can't learn any other way.

Shameless: Festival of the Phoenix

Last saturday I had planned to have a day of meditation to end my focused week of Standing with Standing Rock. I didnt, and I almost feel bad about that, except I did it at the start of the week instead.

It's interesting, when you just make up your own new holiday season, you chart this little road map, and fill in the details as you go. So far, each week has been just what I needed, perhaps that's because I left it all pretty vaugue.

Any way, this week is shameless week. And I'm really late to write my introductory  blog about it. Yet another time I feel like I should probably shame myself for that. :(

But this week, named after a song by Tyler Glenn, is actually meant to be in the vein of shame resilience a la  Brene  Brown school of thought. For a shame resilient week, I'm sure struggling with beating myself up for dumb things that don't matter.

I was hoping to find a post that Elizabeth Gilbert  shared a few years back. That post changed my life, and lead me down  the road to Brene Brown. I learned from Brene we all feel shame, unless you are a sociopath, but there are some good tricks to counter it, and not get stuck in it.

I think this time of year can be heavy with shame of all sorts, for all the things we should do and feel, but dont.

At some point, we have to realize that we cannot and should not do everything, and that how you feel is valid and normal. A lot of people are struggling with everything you are too. It's ok.

The best gift you can give to the world is to be you, and sometimes to be you, you need to give yourself a break and some down time. Especially this time of the year. So please, skip a few things on your calendar  and take some early nights as needed.

Remember  you are loved, and love is the most important gift, and sometimes, you have to show yourself  some love and kindness first, before you can dole it out to others.

Happy Holidays,
Mandi

Finding Mandi- Festival of The Phoenix

"Now is the time when I let go of of my fears, inhibitions, sense of dread.  When I give up control and I  let you hold me with no resistance in my soul. This is the day when I throw it all away into the fire of the All Loving One. Now I have just what I need to be free, to feel who I really Am. Here is the place where I fall into grace and release into the sweetness of your love.  I surrender, I remember the Light and the Beauty that I am." - This is the Day, Jaya Lakshmi & Ananda

 

  The week of the Divine Self has come and gone, and its been a powerful week. I ended it last night with a Kirtan on Vashon Island.  I heard the above song, and felt it was the perfect words to describe my life's journey thus far, the way I have learned to love and embrace me. 

  The week started equally powerfully, as Monday I watched the latest episode of Supergirl, and saw in the story of Agent Alex Danvers, Supergirl's human sister, So much of my own story, in figuring out who I am, and what it means to be me. This weeks episode, Alex came out to her sister, and it was as real and scary as it was when I came out, all the times.  I saw there on the TV the ghost of my past, a 30 something woman facing down and owning a piece of her self she'd tried so hard to avoid for so long.

I loved what supergirl had said later on to her, 

"I do know how it feels, to keep a part of yourself shut off, to keep it inside, and I know how lonely that can make you feel, but Alex, you are not alone."

  This week was about recognizing the wonderful bits within, the neglected parts of your self that make you beautiful and allow you to shine. In my life, just like Alex, I used to strive to be perfect, and I used to feel like a failure in dating, because it never worked for me. And then something changed, slowly over time that little piece of me that I had forced to remain in a silent dark place was finally given oxygen and the light of day.  The moment I allowed my heart to start to feel and truly  love, without fear, without shutting it off. 

 Those small, huge moments when the divine reached me and said "you are not broken, go be you, go love you, and go love who you love. Quite trying to fit in, to be perfect, to be someone you are not."  Those were the moments that changed my life, and made me whole.

 In the past weeks there has been a large rise in hate crimes, there has been a palpable fear of what the future will bring for LGBT people, and other minorities, for a good reason. and as I have waded through these times I have thought,  what shall I do for self preservation, Shall I go back into hiding who I am and who I love?  Lets be honest, its never been safe to be LGBT, its never been safe to be black, its never been safe to be a Muslim in America. For LGBT people this is why we had to come out in the first place, its nothing anyone WANTED to do, its something we had to do, because our very existence has often been a defiance of the culture and peoples we live among. But it has been a little safer, and kinder, and that was very nice to have. I still dream one day we will not have to come out, I dream one day I can walk down the street holding the hand of the person I love and not think for a moment if we are safe.  

 But, looking back on where I have come from, and who I have been able to become as soon as I became true to myself, I will not go back to that dark place, no matter the threat. I can only continue becoming more freely and openly me, because I have a light to shine for the world, I have something to give, I have important things to offer, and I can only offer them as my true full self. 

 I can give you a list of celebrities I deeply love, and I will :  Ellen DeGeneres, Megan Rapinoe, and Kate McKinnon... among others.  But particularly I love these three. They give me great courage on days that I have none, because they are themselves, they do not hide, they face adversity and people that wish to shut them up, and they keep just being themselves, JOYFULLY.  And I feel inspired to do the same when I see them doing this, when I see them standing up for others, when I see them not hiding who they are.   

And so, I know, whatever happens in coming days, whenever I get scared and want to do the same, I must find courage, and I must continue to be me and not hide, and hopefully that will give others the same hope, the same courage, that one day we can live in a world that is loving and kind enough to stand up for their neighbour when they are being harassed, pushed around and bullied, that one day we can live in a world where we all own our part in the  systems that oppress and other those who may be different and do not cower and slink away from discomfort.  A day when we stop minimizing ourselves for those who may disapprove of our existence. 

To anyone out there, feeling alone and scared, Just know you are not alone. Just know there always will be people willing to have your back. Just know you are worthy of love, you are worth existing, and thriving.      When your Midnight  comes, know that dawn is not distant.  Even in the darkest of times, there is light, there is joy, there is internal peace.  

 Its the little things that bring me the greatest joy, love and hope. Its all those little things, that will make all the difference for us all.            

  "Here is the place where I fall into grace and release into the sweetness of your love.  I surrender, I remember the Light and the Beauty that I am."

This coming week is Standing with Standing Rock  in the festival of the Phoenix. I have chosen this particularly because there are a lot of really bad things in our history that we overlook when it comes to how the Native, first peoples of this land are and were treated. Thanksgiving  shouldn't just be about gratitude for what we have, it should be about protecting what we have, and doing better than our ancestors in how we treat others. Tribalism in this country is alive and well, and if someone isn't a part of our tribe we all easily overlook  the horrendous things we inflict upon those "others"  I hope that we will be wiser, Those people are not just fighting for their clean drinking water, or their sacred grounds, and allowing those things to be tress passed against will only hurt us all in the end.  Please, as you eat your thanksgiving dinner this week, be mindful of the history of how white settlers treated native populations, be mindful of how we have treated this land, abusing it with ingratitude, taking it for granted. WE can do better, and we must.  Beyond that my words and experiences are insufficient  for what this week is. 

Festival of The Phoenix:The Week of the Broken Shelf, The Week of the Divine Self

 Another week of the Festival of the Phoenix has come to an end. When I named these weeks, I was thinking mostly about my journey after the policy last year. I had no idea how this was all going to go down and how fitting the titles would be for the country and not just for me and a few of my friends who know what a broken shelf is.

 Wednesday I had named New Ash Wednesday.  Fitting post election day, as it was a day for looking at the ashes and destruction around you, and finding hope that we can rise again from the ashes, renewed and strengthened.

So what is a broken shelf?
A shelf  is a metaphorical place you put things you are uncomfortable with, you can't find answers to, or that are problems you just don't know how or don't want to face and deal with. A shelf breaks when the weight of the things upon it an no longer be ignored.   My religious shelf broke last year after the policy was leaked. It was the thing that made me face all the questions of my religion and spirituality that I had avoided all my life. It was followed by deep soul searching, questioning, looking for answers, and becoming comfortable with not knowing them all, going forward in life still searching and looking with a moral compass guiding me through the unknown.

 Americas shelf broke after the election this week.  Any time a shelf breaks things are messy and hard and there is tension, and its overwhelming and confusing, and often times frightening. But, it is often the beginning of a journey to a better place. First though, one must wade through the wreckage, and decide how to rebuild and move forward. As a nation, our shelf has definitely broken,  and the wreckage is still being evaluated. We have problems we can no longer ignore. Questions we have to ask ourselves about our identity.

 The shelf is broken, its not going to hold those problems any more. We have reached a point we have to deal with them, we cannot just continue to ignore them and hope they will go away.    Until we can do that we will continue to have a very big destructive mess.  There are some things I'm not sure we can fix, so this isn't going to be easy. But step 1 is acknowledging the problems and the broken shelf we can no longer put them on.   And that is what all the protests, hate crimes, and hoopla have been about this week- we have problems, we have no shelf to put them on.   Now we need Ideas, and empathy, and hearing each other, but we also still can't expect that in doing that the other side is just going to go back to being a problem on our shelf. The shelf is no more.


 And so we begin the second week of the Phoenix Festival.  Following the week of the Broken Shelf is the week of The Divine Self.  This week is about looking within ourselves, finding faith, hope, healing, finding the goodness inside and bringing that goodness to the world. It is about love and kindness, to you and your imperfections and then sharing that same kindness with the world.

 often, people that are very hard and judgmental of themselves are also very hard and judgmental of everyone else. If we are to listen, have empathy, rebuild, end the destruction, we must be kind to ourselves. we must also recognize our potential to do and be more than what we have been and what we have become. Then we must strive toward that divinity, toward the most universal human principle in spirituality- love one another.  You cannot love another more than you love your self, so after this really difficult week we have all been through,  lets take this week, lets center, lets breathe, lets do some self care, some community care, lets be kind, we all have the seed of divinity within us, even your enemies.      

"Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you " but also don't be a door step, your voice and your piece of our problem wont go just go away either so we need to hash this out.    lets show each other some kindness, lets treat each other as we wish to be treated, and lets treat ourselves as we wish someone would treat those in our lives we love most, and lets see what we can do to take care of each other.  And please please do not be dismissive of peoples fears. I promise you some of us have real threats to our ability to live, love, work and safely exist in the results of this election, and telling us we are making it up, doesn't make us feel any safer or better about how easy to ignore our safety and our lives often are. Your economic issues and your other worries and fears shouldn't be dismissed either. Right now our shelf is broken and everything is clearly not ok. its ok to say its not ok, Its ok to protest and make your voice heard. We can't keep pretending it is ok, but we can hope that eventually it will be ok. For reals. not pretendsies.

 May we all rise from the ashes of our lives more beautiful, strong, and wise than ever before. 

The Festival of the Phoenix and The Burning of the Fifth

   Remember, remember the 5th of November.

That was a phrase that once reminded me it was Guy Fawkes day.  I don't come from a country that actually observes that, but I made my own observances since my brother told me about his experiences in New Zealand and after I saw V for Vendetta back in 2006.  Mostly, I just like bonfires and it sounded like fun.

Last year that all changed, and the Fifth of November became a day burned into my memory, and never again as Guy Fawkes day. For the past year its been Policy day. One year since the LDS church policy about same sex married couples, and children tied to these families was released. It was a day that rather symbolically burned my world to the ground, as well as that of many thousands of others.  I'm not here to rehash or relive that experience. Its  been a year of pain, and joy and growth. Its also been a year where some people died because of that.

 So as my calendar approached the 5th of November and the beginning of the Holiday season, I felt a deep dilemma arise within me. This day was going to come, no matter what I did.  It was significant, so I would need to mark it, to remember and observe it in some way.  I could no longer call it Guy Fawkes day, I could no longer celebrate that tradition.  I also didn't want to spend the rest of my life stuck in the pain of calling it "Policy day"  I wanted to find my own word for it, something that would reflect the joy of my journey, the pain of losing a piece of me and my community and culture, but the growth and gain moving forward, but also remember those that were harmed, and those that died, respectfully.  I could not come up with anything. so I reached out to friends. Some genius friend of mine  said  to call it Phoenix day, and it stuck.

 And then this concept of a Phoenix, burning,  dying  in a pile of ash, then growing from that rubble and rising again a new, whole and amazingly beautiful creature flashed into my head. This was not something for one day, this is a journey, and deserves a season.

 I also thought of last holiday season, how shattered and empty and no longer mine it was. All the old traditions I tried to observe felt hollow and distant, and someone elses.  I came up with the Christmas Socks last year trying to fill that void. You can't  just leave times like that empty.  So I decided, since the Christmas Socks last year helped me feel better about the Christmas season than I had even in years, maybe owning the whole season, not just a sock drive or the 5th of November, creating my own new traditions that meet my needs, that was a good way to find healing for this whole time of year.

And with that the Festival of the Phoenix was born.  Beginning on Nov. 5th with  The Burning of the Fifth, and going all the way to January 5th and The Day of the Rising of the Phoenix, I have calendared my own new holiday season, mixing in things like Christmas and Thanksgiving, but in ways that remain relevant and personally meaningful to me, and anyone wishing to join me in celebrating this season, in recognizing the beauty of the human journey, of our resilience in the face of having  everything in our lives seemingly burned to the ground yet rising above it again to live our lives fully and beautifully as creatures renewed.

 Tomorrow is the Burning of the Fifth, the first day of the Festival of the Phoenix.  There will be bonfires, to remind us of what was lost, what was destroyed, what became a pile of ash.  On the sixth there will be a day of remembrance for those that were lost.  And then as the months proceed there will be weeks I have designated for healing, for searching, and for showing love to human kind. When January fifth comes, I will rise and  go forward to a new year, and a new journey remembering the joy of becoming, the results of painful growing.        

Tomorrow, may November the Fifth  burn in your heart.  To my Queer Mormon community and affected allies, may you remember the pain, and retain hope, from the ashes will spring forth a new life.

I'm The One Who Writes My Own Story

"When we deny our story, it defines us. When we own our story, we have the power to write our own brave ending" - Brene Brown

 I just got home from my last counseling appointment - for now.  Dealing with bullying, death, and a break up in a short amount of time gave me the opportunity to meet an incredible man,and  try an incredible new to me therapy called EMDR. In a very short period of time I was able to feel like i was handling messy life again. In parting words today, he said to me- "Just keep owning your truth."

 I also recently finished Abby Wambach's Memoir "Forward", which was probably one of the best books I have ever read.  What I loved most about it was that she owned her truth, and she took labels given to her throughout her life, by herself or others, and owned them by defining them for herself, and in so doing removed the shame others could put on those things, and empowered herself to move FORWARD.

As I read this, and in the weeks that have passed, I have thought about some of the labels I have been given in my own life, pieces of who I am, though not the whole puzzle.  If I were to write a Memoir in the style of Forward, What labels would be my chapter headings?

Girl
Tomboy
Shy
New Girl
Nerd
Mormon
Good Girl
The most Olympic non Olympian you have ever met
Athlete
Figure Skater
Stubborn
Same Sex Attracted
Gay
Queer
Pansexual
Bisexual
Soccer player
Determined
Apostate
Renegade
Tree Huger
conservationist
Conservative
Moderate
Liberal
Spiritual
Confused
Activist
Employee
Leader
Missionary
Returned Missionary
Friend
intelligent
creative
Single
Engaged
Ex
INFJ
Feminist
Utahan
Weirdo
Polyglot



I think those are some of my most prominent labels in my life.  They are all representative of pieces of my history, both parts of who I am, and who I was, and who I continue to be.  The thing about labels is, they can be forced onto us, and when they are someone else is writing the definition. But if I have learned anything from the queer community, it is that owning these pieces of yourself, you can take the true part of the label to yourself. You can discard the untrue parts, and you can change the parts you no longer want to be, and you can find beauty in the parts that are you, that others may disregard, or look down on.

 Owning my Mormon part, my beautiful heritage inspired the title of this blog. As a teenager I spent a lot of time listening to my "My Turn On Earth" soundtrack. There was a song, I don't remember all the words, but  these ones I still find inspiring....

         I'm the one that writes my own story, I decide the person I'll be.
 What goes in the plot and what will not, is pretty much up to me.
     Everyone who writes his own story, now and then will make some mistakes
but given some care, they needn't stay there, and this is all that it takes...
    you don't try to hide it, do try to right it, then you wont do it again.
I'm they one that writes my own story, I decided who I'll be.


In her book Abby owned some mistakes she had made, and then she didn't hide it in shame, she owned it. The end of her book you felt she felt empowered by so doing,  to go make her life her own, to go make it what she wanted it to be. She said many times "Who do you want to be? how do you want to get there?" were important questions she encouraged people to ask themselves.

 I have learned in my short life, that that is what is important. Not who everyone else thinks I am or wants me to be, but who I think I am,and who I want to be. That is the truth I must ask of myself. I must write my own story, not someone elses. Labels do not take away from or add to our ability to do that. We all have labels attached to our lives.  But what does that label mean to you?  what does that piece of you mean to you?  and what do you want it to mean or become?

one of my mission companions taught me a valuable lesson one day, as we were walking around Lithuania.  "I'm just really stubborn"  I remember saying to her.  I have never forgotten her reply  "No. You are determined... when you use your powers for good. You are only stubborn when you use those same powers for evil."

In that moment I learned words have positive and negative connotations. For every bad label, there is a positive one for the same trait, and we can define that for ourselves.

Almost a year ago I felt I had been given a label that didn't suit me, that wasn't me in Apostate- as you can see it up on my list. Right next to it, you will find the word Renegade that I felt defined me better, and which I attached to because of a song.

Renegades

X Ambassadors

Run away with me
Lost souls and reverie
Running wild and running free
Two kids, you and me

And I say
Hey, hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Renegades, renegades

Long live the pioneers
Rebels and mutineers
Go forth and have no fear
Come close the end is near

And I say hey, hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Renegades, renegades

All hail the underdogs
All hail the new kids
All hail the outlaws
Spielberg's and Kubrick's

It's our time to make a move
It's our time to make amends
It's our time to break the rules
Let's begin

And I say hey, hey hey hey
Living like we're renegades
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Leaving like we're renegades
Renegades, renegades

This song resonated deeply with me, the mention of pioneers,  I felt honored my honoring my moral inner compass in my decisions, and hearkened back to also honor my heritage and ancestors.  so that meant a lot to me.

And I share this,not to get into a discussion about my religious and spiritual evolution, but because that for me, was a moment where I felt my story had been written in part for me by unwanted and unwelcome labels being attached to me, and I felt empowered by finding a word of similar meaning that resonated more deeply for me. By owning the label renegade, I lost the shame of the label apostate.

The point of all this, is  that your life is yours, and even when you make some big mistakes, or when people think you are making a mistake, and you feel shame, or feel shamed, you can write your own story, and you can move FORWARD.  and that is super beautiful, and super inspiring to me. Owning my truth is inspiring to me, and others owning their truth, is even more inspiring to me. I am very glad Abby Wambach bravely told her own tale, rather than hiding in shame and letting the world tell it for her.

Beautiful: Celebrating Our Daughters

As I said a few months ago, with everything going on, I will be having My friend Melissa Malcolm guest blog.  Melissa Malcolm is queer woman of color who has been sharing her experiences of homophobia and racism throughout social media.  Last time she shared some thoughts  in an article called "Please Don't Justify the Hate"    This time she will share her thoughts an experience about body shaming and race issues.  Please enjoy.

                                 Beautiful : Celebrating our Daughters

                                                              By MELISSA MALCOLM

I was food shopping several weeks and ago I noticed a little girl about 4 or 5 look up at me and point to my hair in excitement.

“Look !! the girl exclaimed her hair is like mine !.” Our eyes locked for a moment and happiness spread from her face to mine and  back again.  Her hair was LIKE mine. Curly ,out and beautiful.

     The moment was suddenly interrupted  by a large gasp. Her grandmother leaned over half whispering  “thats not nice..... don’t say that ........ wild hair is not good , her  hair is just

all over the place.........”. I  forced a smile on my face as I kindly told the little girl how beautiful her hair was and tried to strike up a conversation with grandma.

    I noticed that the little girls eyes were no longer shining bright and her smile was replaced by a sudden heavy  shame that I could feel.  We talked a politely for a few minutes but I could see

the Grandmothers embarrassment only growing as she took her granddaughter by the hand and they

slipped down the next isle. I could seen the pain in this child eyes which pierced my soul.  I wanted  nothing more to run over give her a hug and say your hair is beautiful...You are Beautiful.

    I have carried this experience around for sometime and decided

I would use this situation for the positive. I want to celebrate our young girls of color and I am asking it to start with you .  Read on for ways to help our  precious ones cultivate self -love and acceptance.

                         H. A .I. R.

Honor :

-Teach young girls from an early age that are to honored for who they are and what they want to accomplish in this life. 

- Emphasize her personal characteristics when describing her to other people. She will learn that who she is more than her hair or her body.

- Reinforce that what she looks like is beautiful its natural form. Curly hair is just as beautiful as straight hair, an Afro is not less than a straight ponytail. How she and you decide to rock it should be honored by you and the family.

-Have her learn about other women of color and their contributions to society including those in the beauty and fashion industries.

Abolish:

-Negative thinking about your hair as she will pick up on this and begin to do the same

- That notion that she must have a certain hairstyle to fit in with peers

-  Feeling obligated to go out buy the most expensive products or hair pieces to appease her need to for acceptance. Let it start within first !

- How you view people of different skin shades : We have all heard the jokes about “redbones” or “so dark that they have to smile to be seen”. The words we use send a message about what is acceptable and what is not.

Insist :

-That people not talk about your child's person or hair as if it strange and out of the ordinary. It is OK for people to ask questions but it is not OK for people to touch and browse without asking. It is not OK for people to gawk and say insensitive comments such as “can you get a comb through that”

- That your child's school understand that she is not trying to be a rebel when she wants to wear Nubian knots or Afro puffs.   That it is NOT EVER OK for children to mock or tease someone because of their hair .  It  NOT EVER OK for the children who is being bullied to have change themselves to appease the bully.

- That she learn how to style , braid and adorn her own hair as she

gets older so that she can find pride in taking care of herself and understanding her own hair texture.

Remember

- Supply her with Mass Media , Dolls , and images of women from all

over the world doing great things. Let her see that beauty comes in

all shapes,sizes , colors and  from every continent on the earth.

- You and the other “elders” of the family are her first role models

and she will look at your bar for beauty standards and

self-acceptance.  If you want her bar to be raised high , then you

must raise yours first.

- Have continued discussions about this issues of race ,self -love

and personal acceptance .When she comes to you about stories of rejection or hurt ,make sure to make a learning experience.  Take time to help her build skills to deal with situations that may arise.

- If you are a parent that is a not a person of color ,it is still OK to talk to your daughter about these issues. If there is something that

you can’t answer , be honest and tell her you don’t know but you will work on finding the answer.

 If she is old enough , then she can help you. After all,we all here  to learn from each other .

As we work on loving our daughters and help them to love themselves,

we will create a powerful society of  teachers, leaders, an trailblazers.  It is more than just the Hair, “The  here and now “or the “here we go” moments of life.

 It is about raising up and saying we are not going anywhere.  It is saying to society you may try to erase us , but we  will not disappear... It is saying we are HERE.

*Note from Mandi:  I had no idea what this "redbones" term means, so

I asked Melissa.  She said  "redbones" is

" a degrotory word used to descirbe a person of color who is fair.

It refers to the fact that you can easily see under the skin"

Also, here is a link to what Urban dictonary has to say on the term http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=redbone

Day 1

WARNING: CONTAINS SPELLING ERRORS. If you are sensitive and prone to being upset about spelling and gramatical errors, please read the following with caution. My spell check is not working, and I have never been good at spelling. Thank you.


  This is going to be an unusual post, I guess after having my first long, mutually loving relationship/ and very short engagement come to an end, that shouldn't be a surprising thing. Actually, probably all my posts are unusual because they are written by me, and I am unique and unusual.

  Any way, I saw Ghostbusters for the third time today. I love that movie, Holtzman is my happy place, if that's possible, yup. Mentally inserting Holtzman right by my bag piper man in his kilt on the banks of the Loch somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, and now all is right with the world as the piper pipes on.

 So I woke up at 6:30 this morning, even though I was trying to sleep in, because I kept seeing my ex in my dreams, and my heart would kind of hurt and I jerked awake like I had fallen off a cliff. By the last time this happened at 6:30, I was really tired of it and gave up on sleep.  I think I worked on my facebook soccer team management for a while instead.  By a while I mean until about 10.

 I also made a new Lithuanian friend today, through this game. I bought one of his players on the transfer market.  Some random facts about my soccer team in the game- They are called the Seattle Rise, and my supporters are  called 'the hope and the heart'  I did this intentionally because its hillarious when my team scores a goal and the game says the hope and the heart are singing, or when someone doesn't score and it says the hope and the heart are dissapointed, or the hope and the heart are  starting to get restless.   At one point, I also had a goalie (that I didn't name, I bought him on transfer market) named Jesus Hills.  I thought that was hilarious. Jesus Hills (Jesus Heals)  and since he was a goalie, Jesus also saves.  ha ha ha. that's brilliant.  

 Any way,  I did not intend to talk about my soccer team all day. I did spend a lot of time with them today. But I've also started this new therapy for trauma, because someone caused me trauma a month ago and bullied me after I got engaged. Any way, its this EMDR therapy, its an interesting rapid eye movement thing.  My homework this week, was just to note things I do that are unusual for me.

 Ive had a very hard time, because well- things have been not great with my now ex, and last week a friend died, and then yesterday we broke up. So if nothing is usual, how do I know what is a reaction to the therapy, that is different, and what I am just doing different because my life is so full of grieving and weirdness right now? After my  last friend died, I did all sorts of unusual things, like, completely redecorate my house.

 Well, today I did something really unusual. and I don't know why, if its therapy, or just grief, but it was super cool. and kind of frightening.  So starting during Ghostbusters, I just started noticing and naming exactly how I was feeling, and then telling my friend "I'm feeling shame" "I'm feeling  grief for the loss of the new life I was planing"  Things like that.

  It was very empowering, but also frightening a bit to know exactly what combination of things were creating the deep heavy pain in my heart, or the tears welling up in my eyes.  I felt a lot of shame earlier in the day. A LOT. Shame for failing, shame for not knowing this would not work out, shame for trying, shame for believing I was going to be a part of a new family, shame for all the people that might think this failure was a sign from God that I was doing something wrong.   But then I told my friend that went to Ghostbusters with me exactly what I was feeling, and the moment I owned that shame, It went away.   After that, I don't think I felt much shame again. And as the day progressed, and my Whack- A-Mole of feelings and emotions popped in and out, and I named the thing, I felt it, I owned it, and onward we went.  Guys, it was really hard.  More than a few times I wanted to find something, anything to numb that pain.

 When that happened, I told my friend. We talked about it. We talked in depth about how numbing the pain never works, that you can't escape it, and you are just delaying healing from it. Together, with my friend I faced the thing I wanted to hide from. I faced it, and then it would go. Something new would soon come, and I would face it again. It was a tough day, with lots of feelings.  It was also a good day, with an army of friends and family loving, supporting, and listening to me. It was a good day with a bit of healing words between me and my ex even.  It was a super hard day.  but it was still good. I also had a lot of dog support today, mine and my friends. nothing is better than a dog. A dog, and Kate McKinnon, and friends. and hugs and comfort food.  I also faced a lot of uncertinty today. My whole life plan just changed, and I was planing some big plans, and now I just don't know what Im supposed to do, or what I want to do, or what I should do with my housing situation, but I need to make some kind of decision in a month or two- so no pressure.

Any way, that was day one. I felt at times this was a great decison on the part of my ex, and other times a horrible decision, and sometimes I felt ripped off and sometimes I just wanted to hide somewhere from everything.  But at the end of the day, I now get to go to sleep, and I think I will sleep better, because I faced the shame, I faced the uncertanty and I faced all the stuff. That is my hope.


Speaking of Hope, Hope Solo got a 6 mo suspension and her USWNT contract terminated. I think the suspension is even a bit excessive, but probably a good way to calm the masses seeking blood and vengance because its a big thing to hate on Hope Solo.   I think the contract termination is over kill.

A friend asked me how I feel if she isn't on the team ever again and her international carrer is over. I feel like its time to give some other goalies a look in, but I disagree with how this is being done, and I dont think she needs to be kicked off the team for the rest of forever.  I know a lot of people will be happy to have her gone, but I dont think its the best way to go about this, and I dont think its the best thing for the team, the country or the fans.  And I agree with the national team's union, that its sexist overkill.  They wouldnt do that for the men for that mild of comments. and you can argue what you want about an accumulation of past mistakes, but I dont think this is really justified. Suspension, yes. Contract termenation- no. And you can say what you want about that assult issue with her nephew, but there are a lot more question marks that I found with that case than I think has ever been fairly represented by the media, and until a court determines there was really something meriting great concern there- Im gonna say we should withold judgement. Again, not a popular opinion, but I think we should rise above being petty with Hope.   She should be held acountable for her actions yes, but some actions we dont quite have the full story on , and we may never. Public opinion shouldn't be judge and jury for the courts or for her national team employment status. Sponsers- yes. Obviously.


Any way, thanks for reading my rambling, as always. 

The Sign of The Awkward Turtle

         If I have learned anything in my life, its that life is often awkward, and when life is awkward, you can slink away from it,  or you can greet it with open and loving arms.  The first option, usually means you are going to miss out on something awesome because of fear and awkwardness.  The second option is probably going to be excruciating, but often pays a high reward for the risk.

         So, how did I learn this lesson?  As a life long flee-er of conflict and awkwardness I owe what many of you call bravery to a really fine man I once dated.  He was set up to be my blind date, but I cheated and Facebook stalked him, and then decided to risk it all and contact him before hand for introductions.  As we chatted  and prepared for the dreaded face to face meeting, we both knew there would be awkward moments. There already had been, but hiding behind a computer it was a lot less scary. So this brilliant man instituted a way we could laugh and get out of the painfulness of it all, should anything truly awkward happen (and it did). He instituted the sign of the awkward turtle.

       The sign of the awkward turtle- putting one hand palm down on top of the other (also palm down) and wiggling or rotating both your thumbs. This is the awkward turtle.  and his function was to acknowledge that big fat awkward elephant in the room, so everyone could just move on with minimal embarrassment.   On the night that we did meet, we went rock climbing, and didn't pass the belaying first, but he belayed me any way. And  he did my harness wrong (which could have probably killed or injured me, but sometimes you live on the edge right? no it was stupid, don't do that).  Any way, eventually we both got in sever trouble for it, and rightly so. and he felt embarrassed, and i felt embarrassed for me and embarrassed for him, because he got chastised the most.  The sign of the awkward turtle saved the night and it ended up being one of my best dates ever, that turned into two weeks of dates followed by a severely broken heart, with an even bigger awkward turtle moment, but no need to go into that, it no longer matters. at all.

     So in life, sometimes people die and we don't quite know what to say. we are uncomfortable with that feeling, it is an awkward painful moment. I'm feeling that moment a lot right now. Or sometimes people say stuff about us that isn't true, relationships go a rye,  people do things we disagree with, and fights happen, and  sometimes Hope Solo makes comments  the media shame her for and her team mates more awkwardly heap on the shame and make things more awkward and horrible.  

  You know what- Pause-  So I don't think anyone agrees with what Hope said post match. I think Hope right now is probably like- oh sh!t, maybe that wasn't the smartest thing to say. But, you know she is human, and some humans just don't handle things  like that well, I don't think its the most horrible thing on the planet to be frustrated after loosing a game and call someone a coward for not playing the way you expected. Its not polite, and its really not the smartest comment, because Sweden was tactically brilliant to do that.  But, all of her team mates calling Hope out, all this crap from the media about it- its WORSE than what Hope said. Stop shaming the woman, lets just all bring out the sign of the awkward turtle. Embrace the fact that its an awkward situation, maybe help Hope not talk to reporters when shes heated, and stop making the awkward and the pain WORSE!!!

 So- UN pause-  basically what I have learned in life is that awkward happens. and you can either embraces that it is awkward, acknowledge awkward. give  awkward a big hug and tell it that you love it, or  make things worse and miss out on so much good that could have been.  Pause again-   Megan Rapinoe is someone I massively look up to, but reading her comments about Hopes comments, well. Megan is human too. It wasn't very inspiring to see her jumping on the shame Hope bandwagon. Yes, Hope could have reacted better if she wasn't Hope Solo.  She is Hope Solo, so she was probably doing her best, and could have said much worse.  How about instead of shaming Hope, her team starts saying- Hope is a human, She says dumb stuff sometimes. It doesn't make her a bad person, She is a great and passionate goalie, and Sweden, by the way, were tactically brilliant.  We can say nice things about both sides, and not make anyone a bad guy and tear them down.   Megan- you are still my inspiration, and I respect your human reaction to your team mates human reaction, but enough of this already everyone!! quit it with the Hope shaming. just quit.  lets pull out the awkward turtle and just admit, we are all human and we are all saying really stupid and more damaging things by continuing to talk about this in this way.        


UN PAUSE-
So  in summary life is full of humans and awkward. When we open up and are vulnerable, we are human and awkward. When we get hurt, or are in pain its awkward.  None of us are perfect and we all say and do things we shouldn't and its awkward.  Why then don't we just fly our awkward turtles, laugh a bit at our pain, hug it out, and embrace the awkward. Come to think of it, in another USWNT example, I'm pretty sure that's what Abby Wambach did with her DUI.  AWKWARD TURTLE- sorry everyone. To say this all  in a more Brene Brown sort of verbiage- when something happens that makes us want to disconnect from humanity, let us wisely and carefully find a way to keep connecting and being vulnerable.  In the process it will probably come out awkward and wrong, but if we embrace that we can say "Hey, I'm awkward, how are you, are you awkward too? oh good, there is a pair of us.. lets just be awkward friends and enjoy that."  

Its not bravery, or it shouldn't be to acknowledge and embrace those awkward things that happened and keep connecting. What it is, is really the only way to heal a horrible situation,  to get through those horrible painful feelings.

I don't know. As always I'm just kind of rambling, I'm not even sure this made sense because it turned into a rant about people throwing Hope Solo under the bus. There are a lot worse things people have done that should actually be receiving scrutiny worthy of correction for not being "in the Olympic spirit" or even a remotely decent thing to do (cough, cough Ryan Lochte)

 But, life with its little awkward times, the sooner we are all OK with those truly awkward moments that get big that shouldn't, and acknowledge that's just how it is, humans are awkward,  and embrace it, the less pain and awkward we will all have to deal with on the day to day.  Learn to love awkward,  and it will start to love you back. learn to love your humanity, and it will human you back. um.. . i don't know what that means... awkward turtle... k bye.                  




          AWWWWWWWWKWARD HUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I love you awkwardness, my friend.

A Time For Hope

Anyone who knows me knows that every two years, for 16 or so days, I get a little bit obsessed and captivated. Since I was a very small girl the Olympic Games have inspired me deeply and greatly.

Through the years, there have been scandals,  and bombings, and bribes, and doping; Hitler, and Putin and cold war boycotts. The Olympic Games, the IOC, the athletes, the judges, the hosts- none are perfect or blameless, and improvements in all should be pushed for just as those athletes push themselves to become better and better at their craft.

This Games will not be without problem, or controversy, and things must improve in future

But despite all that, I find myself again a child on opening ceremony day. Something about the flame of the cauldron and the parade of nations will deeply touch my soul and inspire me to love harder, dream bigger, and work for that dream. It will give me hope in a time that seems to be dominated by fear in the world. Why though?

Ive been reading a lot of Brene Brown lately, so I think I am begining to understand what is truely so spiritual to me about the Olympics,  and the World Cup. Human connectedness.  That thing we all deeply need, that thing that heals nations and souls.

And there will be moments that will temporarily break that connection, but for the most part, the next few weeks something deeply opposite of the hate, dividing, and fear mongering the world has experienced so much of this year.

For the next few weeks nations will come together, people will push on and give it their all when all hope of winning is lost, humans will connect beyond boundaries and divisions and differences, and I will cry happy tears. Lots of happy tears.

Remeber these words from Modern Olympic founder Pierre de Corbertin

" The important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win, but to take part; the important thing in Life is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well. To spread these principles is to build up a strong and more valiant and, above all, more scrupulous and more generous humanity"

And let the Games, and the human connection begin.

Please Dont Justify The Hate

Because Im gonna be busy for a while, from time to time Ive decided to have guest bloggers. Today I have my first guest blogger, Melissa Malcolm, who will share some of her thoughts and experiences on some very important subjects.

Melissa Malcolm is queer woman of color who has been sharing her experiences of homophobia and racism throughout social media.

Please Dont Justify the Hate, by Melissa Malcom

#Pleasedontjustifythehate

1. There are many wonderful Police Officers and other Law Enforcement Professionals. They go to work and risk their lives to help everyone. I have personally seen some wonderful Police Officers who have gone above and beyond their call of duty. They work with youth and families to create safe communities . The media will never highlight these individuals . The Media will only show what people will watch because just like everyone else ,they are a business looking to make money. Killing Police Officers because of the actions of other Police Officers is not justified and should not be condoned. #Pleasedontjustifythehate

2. There is a serious issue throughout this country with Young Black Men being killed at the hands of law enforcement. This has resulted in the Black Lives Matters Movement. Many people feel that it is racist to focus to say only one life matters. The BLM is not say only one life matters.  It is trying to bring attention to situation that needs to be fixed. For example , if someone is drowning in a pool , you would say "so and so is drowning" lets help them. This does not mean the rest of the people in the pool don't matter.  During the Holocaust millions of Jews perished in horrific ways. Before the Jews , people with special needs and other groups were killed at Hitlers Command. Remembering and honoring those who were Jewish and lost their lives and were survivors is not diminishing the other lives lost. It is saying to everyone that this act was wrong and we stand with you. Also people of ALL races march ,protest and get petitions signed in honor of Black Lives Matter. Those use BLM as a reason to  harm and kill others do not represent the movement they represent hate.
#Pleasedontjustifythehate

3. I have noticed an alarming trend in regards to Social Media. People have gotten what I like to call " Media Muscles". They like to say unkind,homophobic, prejudiced , racist and demeaning things about other people. They hide behind their devices like the KKK hides behind their hoods. I am asking all my family and friends to #thinkbeforeyoupost. The words you say and share can cause someone to want to kill  themselves.  Tyler Perry once said (quoting his grandmother) " Take God with you .....and wherever you can't take God don't Go.....". I would also add " Take Kindness with you and wherever you can't take Kindness don't go". #Pleasedontjustifythehate

4. I am a person of color and every day I am targeting because of my race. I am targeted by my "own people" as much as I am targeted by those who think I am another race. I have recently heard several friends tell me that racism doesn't exist anymore or that it is thing of the "deep south". I am here to tell you that racism does exist and it effects my life each and every day. I realize that it is easy for someone to deny something that they don't experience or understand. If you would like to discuss this with me , I am a open book.  #Pleasedontjustifythehate

Thank-you for reading ! If you wish to comment , feel free but please keep the tone respectful and remember #Pleasedontjustifythehate

My Engagement Story

Its really late, and I would like to be asleep right now, but I made a promise I would blog and tell you all the story about how I got engaged, and I know I wont sleep tonight unless I keep it so here goes...

 I really wish I could tell this when I was in the perfect mood, when I wasn't physically and emotionally exhausted from an exciting and emotional weekend and first day of the week back at work. But, lets face it, I got a lot going on right now, so I'm probably not ever going to be in the perfect place to write this- I will either be getting a million things done, talking to my fiancee and or her family/ my friends etc. so you will just have to enjoy this less than perfect tail of a really awesome day in my life.

Day? did I say day?  Rome wasn't built in a day, and an engagement doesn't happen in a day either. I met Brandi a year ago today. Exactly.  We "met" on a dating app called Plenty of Fish. but I had lovingly nick named it Piece of Fish, because my luck in meeting people on dating sites was over all, pretty crap. we talked briefly via text, and I had tickets to a Reign game so she was going to be my date, but she wanted to meet first somewhere else, so she decided to come over here, and we could maybe go to lavender festival. I screen dates extensively, and she checked out.  I also had decided to get my hair cut that day, and I had a lot of hair, so it took way longer than normal and I was three hours late for our date. I texted her well in advance and she kindly still came over, a little later for me, so that i could finish my hair cut.  Even with the delay, i was an additional hour late, but it was worth it, I looked and felt awesome. Cutting my hair made me feel like myself, so I was really confident.

 I must say, that I didn't think that first date was going to go anywhere before it happend. It never did before that, so why would it now?  But Brandi and I clicked instantly. I found in her someone that was honest, that had a good heart, deep faith,  and that I instinctively felt I could trust.  we started dating pretty much that moment we met. We had some ups and downs and even a "break"  along the way, but each hiccup only brought us closer together and deepened our trust for one another.

fast forward a year, and I am meeting her and her daughter to go to yet another Seattle Reign game. They are the best, and I have season tickets so we go together as often as I can persuade Brandi and anyone else to join me.  So last Saturday there was a 7 PM game. I volunteer some weeks to help the Reign with set up or handing out programs.  This week I volunteered to help set up their retail store at the game, which is set up and taken down before each game.   Brandi and her daughter came early and went to a bite of Seattle (or so I thought)  while I worked at the stadium. We got there just before 11 AM I gave Brandi her anniversary present ( an autographed shirt of her favorite soccer player.) and then had to say goodbye for a few hours.

 Side Note: Its important to note at this point in the story, that for the past two weeks I myself have been thinking of proposing. I had two really cool Ideas that I had come up with and had ran passed a multitude of friends- 1- I was going to use my connections at the Reign and  surprise her while she was getting a photo with her very favorite player, and 2- I was thinking of  asking her at the highland games in a couple weeks. I hand paint family crests, so I was going to paint one with her families crest, and Then I was going to show it to her, and give her the one with the Marquardt crest, and ask her if she "would do me the honor of making our engagement official as we pursue the unification of our two ancient and noble house holds"  but that didn't happen because....

  While I was working in the stadium, Brandi  and  (to protect the young and so forth I will just call her A), Brandi and A walked all the way down to Pike Place market, Found rings, Picked the one they thought was best, Brandi the ring, and A the bag it went in. And using some wizard skills I didn't know of, Brandi guessed my ring size (for my right hand) correctly based off how it fit her when she tried on my Claudah(sp?) ring.   (one small problem later, when we discovered my left hand ring finger is at least a size smaller than the right. who knew?)

 any way, so they walk all the way down there, and all the way back with all their bags and stuff because they were coming to stay at my house after the game, and had been dropped off because of car problems. So that is a long way for a 9 year old to walk, especaily with stuff. So A was a little tired and grumpy by the time  they got back. This  combined with  Brandi not wanting to do a big public thing, and wanting to have my furbaby present so it was a full family deal- waited all the way until 11 pm that evening when we got home from the game. completely surprised me, and popped out a lovely ring and asked me if i would marry her. Obviously, we were on the same page, and I said  "what! you beat me to it!!!!  yes."  Then  I told her about my ploting and gave her my family crest.

So for those who keep asking about the date:

We are planning to wait for about a year, because we have to figure out where we are going to live, and a ton of other stuff first. I'm trying to buy a house, but the market is crazy right now, so that must be sorted before we can even begin to worry about a wedding, it may take a while.  Its kind of a big deal to bring a family together, and especially one that already comes with  a 9 year old and a really crazy also 9 year old Jack Russell, so for those wanting a date, you are going to have to be patient, we will let you know when we have done all the stuff we have to do before we can worry about that.  I hope this takes care of all your questions and things that you want to know,  because I really need to go to bed now.

 Thanks again for all the love and support.  It has meant a lot to us already that so many of our friends are expressing love and not giving us heaps of hurt and rejection. We have already each faced some of that, even today, but it was far far out weighed by love and support and that means the world to us. This was a day and a weekend that made me so extreemely happy, and the only thing that has dampened it at all is knowing that some people that I really care about don't feel happy with me, but I recognize I can't change that,  All I can do is continue on in this journey of love, and rejoice in the many many friends and family that are celebrating with us.  Thank you all so much.