Needs

When I was in college, one of my roommates itroduced me to one of my all time favorite songs, Needs, by collective soul. If you have not heard this song, you should.  But its my go to song, really. I am tired. I havent been this tired since the end of my mission. I have so much I am trying to do, and even more that I wish I could do but just dont have time for. Sometimes I get burried under my pille of things to do, and avoid what I need to do.    Sometimes its important to just worry about what you need.  The lyrics say it all. I fight against it, but  you, are all I need ;)

"Needs"

All around me I see what weakness has made
Too much tomorrow I think I'll take all today
Am I a poison, Am I a thorn in the side
Am I a picture, perfect subject tonight

I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

Here I slumber to awaken my daze
I find convenience in this savior I save
Am I a prison, Am I a source of dire news
Am I a picture perfect reason for you

I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth or doubt
Of faith to fall into

In this time of substitute
It's my needs I've answered to (All the while)
And the hope that I invest
Still turns to signals of distress (All the while)

I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth or doubt
Of faith to fall into

You're all I need
When the water runs deep
You're all I need
Now I cry my soul to sleep
You're all I need [4x]

If You Build It, They Will Come....

 You know, I think I have only seen the movie Field of Dreams one time, but the saying from it "if you build it, they will come" has had a great impact on my life for the past year. 
  When I got put into the Relief Society Presidency of  my YSA ward ten months ago, attendance at a lot of things was starting to wane. Especially Relief Society activities. As second councilor, RS activities were my duty to organize and plan and carry out. I really struggled along. I planned what everyone said they wanted to do, but less and less people showed up. I prayed for  inspiration, and then one day, a flash of lightning struck my brain about the solution to both RS and Wednesday night activities. "If you build it, they will come". that was exactly my thought. But, I thought, I am already planning and carrying out the activities. what is meant by this?  What was meant by it was faith.  Faith is an action word. Faith cannot just be dormant or passive, it is active, it requires doing, and believing. If we wanted people to come we needed to believe in what we were doing ourselves ,and plan for twenty to show up, not the five we were getting.  we did that, and now they come.  
       Lately our attendance at institute has been dropping and dropping. our teacher was getting discouraged, i think we all were. Again the thought entered my head "if we build it, they will come"  I had the first Sunday lesson in RS class, and I felt inspired that I should teach on that. I talked with the bishop about it, and had the institute instructor come and talk with the class. I felt like I had done my best, but my faith and believe in the program didn't, to me feel like it had reached anyone in the room. I was kind of sad about it. Then my roommate gave me encouragement last night and told me one of the girls had decided she would go to institute and she shared with others at the activity some of the things the instructor had said during my lesson. A lot of people not at my lesson heard me going on about my lesson and preparations for it, and told me they would come. I started to have more faith. my faith initially was to follow the spirit and give what i saw as a very difficult lesson. I did that. Then the lord reinforced that with encouragement from my roommate. 


  By the time it was time for institute tonight, I felt confidant that we would fill the room (we have had 10-7 people for like the last month,  we barely filled one row).  I was late getting in and didn't get to help our instructor set up the desks because of a presidency meeting, but when I got there I nearly cried. She set up only three tables instead of  the usual six.  I turned to her and said "we have to have more tables, we are going to fill this room, people are going to come". she was still discouraged and said "no, we will just have them sit in chairs" it didn't seem worth putting them up for no one. she wasn't there yet.  I yelled out "If we build it they will come!!!" and then I grabbed some more tables and put them up myself. we compromised and put up five tables, with four chairs per table. By the opening hymn we had almost filled the three tables. ok, it was better, but still, no way were we filling the room. well, i knew we would. I said the opening prayer, and rather than praying people would come i decided to continue in my faith more were coming and I prayed those traveling to institute would do so in safety and that we would all feel the spirit and learn together as we were taught.  By  the last half hour of class, every single table and chair was completely full, and one more person came in and pulled the small entry way table and a chair up because there was no where to sit.  It was a lesson to me, and I know the institute teacher learned from it too. all of our faith grew a little bit today. and it was a small but awesome miracle. from seven people our class grew to 21, and I know it can grow even more - If we build it. If we believe we are acting according to the will of God, and act in faith on correct principles,  and we work to accomplish those things knowing that it is true, it can happen and even exceed our own expectations. I feel I should try this in other areas of my life now, like my search for a husband. So I am going to go do that now. I know, if under inspiration of the Holy Spirit, you work to build families, you work to build friendships, or you work to build the Kingdom of God, you will build it, and miracles will happen.  I testify to you of this truth , and promise if you  have the faith to committee to act in faith amazing things will happen. 

Laughing in Sleep on Buses With Boys

 So today I was feeling very tired and mopey. I am still not completely recovered from my illness, and I am at about month ten of being in YSA Relief Society Presidencies. I love it, actually, but it can be very demanding at times, and I just don't have much stamina right now. I so wish I could do more than I physically, mentally, and emotionally am currently capable of. On top of it  one of my friends is struggling through a break up, and another friend is struggling with a very seriously ill 2yr oldish child  who has a tumor of a very serious sort. 
  Since hearing the later news I cannot seem to stop crying when I think of that cute little boy and what my beloved friend must be going through.  All of this combined with work, and the Presidency make me feel quite helpless. If you add to that the fact that I had to bring and end (still hoping this is only a temporary thing) to one of the dearest friendships I have ever had, I have been feeling very very helpless lately. I mean, AGENCY BAHHHHHH!!! no seriously, I am glad we have the agency to choose our lives for ourselves, but sometimes other peoples choices can be very frustrating and saddening. And sometimes their choices seem to not leave us many choices either.  
  Well, I am not trying to whine about all this, its life, all I am saying is that I feel seriously humbled, Helpless, and realize how much I have to rely on my Heavenly Father for support, and how much my friends do too. Not much you can do if you find out your boy had a tumor except take him to doctors. when there is a `10% survival rate as i read on her husbands post, associated with that, that would make you feel pretty helpless too. All you can do is pray, and do you best with the technology we have, but really that one is basically in Gods hands.  Not much you can do about a break up other than decided if you will act Christlike, and as a grown up, or if you will be childish and throw a temper tantrum about it (i know i had to make that decision, i think i landed somewhere in the middle on that one). and as far as my impact on the world through work or church, well at the end of the day, all I can do is all I can do. People have to choose, and God has to direct me how best to act. If I try to do it on my own, i will likely fail and get really  frustrated. 
 So after all that thinking, I fell asleep on the bus. I was flat out exhausted in every way possible on the way home from work. I didn't even see who the person was that sat beside me on the bus. I could feel someone there though.  
 I fell very very deeply asleep. I don't remember what I dreamed, but I remember it was very funny because I was laughing in my dream and then something kind of woke me from it ,and I felt I had been on the verge of sleep laughing.  the bus turned the corner to the parking lot so i started to really wake up. 
 Then I looked to the side of me, and I saw him. One of the most beautiful man/boys in the world , OK, in Poulsbo WA.  I don't know his name, or how old he is. He looks like he is early 20's and therefore way too young for me. I have seen him before, and always thought he was eye candy. I kinda wanted to talk to him. 


This was my chance, but I had just woken up, and possibly sleep laughed among other potentially embarrassing in sleep things I could have done, or said, snored or drooled - no there was no drool I would have noticed.  so I reached into my pocket to get my keys out, and be more facing him. I tried to think of something cleaver to say and then.... a used Kleenex fell out of my pocket and onto his seat, kind of between us.  oops. I quickly picked it up and apologized. He shrugged and walked off the bus, and put his headphones in. FAIL.

Sickness and Sensibility

  You know, as I come to hopefully my last day staying home sick, in two weeks of sickness, and to the end of my third or forth  period film I have viewed in this two week period, it begs me to ponder what exactly it is about being sick and watching these films that always makes me feel  so much better. 
 When I am sick I want sleep, water, ginger ale perhaps, soup, crackers and a good period film. Sense and Sensibility, Emma, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, North and South, or my most recent selection Wives and Daughters. 
 Every single one of these films have a few things in common that always make me feel better. The costumes for one. Why can't men dress like that today? they look so regal and noble, well those men always are noble, but there is just something so attractive to me about the way men dressed in those days, noble men at least.  
 There is something that just is so appealing about people going to balls, and dancing real dances. it makes me happy. I am very glad to live in an area where people are willing to dress up to go to dances. Most recently my YSA Ward was host to a multi-stake dance, and our theme was steam punk. The men mostly dressed up, and those that did instantly looked so much more attractive than usual.  ummm warm fuzzies just thinking about it
 A good love story, with real opposition is also one thing i like about these movies. The lack of communication, the misunderstandings, living in a singles ward i would say that is far more real life than the modern day romantic movies. 
 Its also nice to see movies with courting, with people getting to know each other properly, rather than just  having sex first and then a big drama and then oh, maybe we should be together. No I have very old fashion morals in that sense, and its nice to see a place where that exists. 
 I want to go to the UK, so that probably also increases my love for these movies
but my final and greatest reason I love watching these when I am sick, is that people are always getting sick in them. Usually someone dies, and someone else gets sick and survives, and then they fall in love with someone that was right in front of their face all along and get married. 
 Since I have not died from my sickness, I now expect one of those dashing young men from the steam punk dance will show up in Victorian garb on my door step, profess his undying love and I shall readily love him back, but first some other misguided soul that I have no interest in and never will, will show up, and I will have to refuse him, as I do not truly love him.  
 well, soon I will be well again, and reality will be at my door instead, but for now I am under the influence of prescription strength cough medicine, I shall watch another period film and fall asleep dreaming of Darcy, or Roger, or Oswald, or  Richard Armitage and it will be a very lovely dream indeed.  

The Truth: Why I reconstructed my walls

So, as I was just chatting with my roommate, I realized something, the truth. The truth is that yes, sometimes I am frustrated with people, and sometimes I push people away. I have been pushing a lot of people away since December. I have been mean, and I have had a horrible negative attitude. I want to start fights with everyone, especially people I feel could in any way hurt me.  
 So why have I been doing this? I made so many changes last year, and I became such a happy person, without walls, I was virtually unstoppable. I wanted to date, and I wanted to get married and have a family for reals, probably for the first time in my life. I felt closer to God than ever before, and I had unstoppable faith.  
 I am not really proud of who I have been in the past couple of months, or the things I said earlier tonight. I apologize to those that read them
 What happened? well I have written a little about it via my fairy tale, but not really. I quit writing for a while. In fact, I lost all desire to write or work on any of my previous works- my short story that could have been published months ago, my novel. I secretly am kind of angry at people that are happy couples right now. I try to be happy for them ,but I am kind of angry. I have been mean to my friends, and I try but just can't get the gospel to stick to my life more than just a few hours after listening to an inspirational program, or reading my scriptures. 
 On more than one occasion I have said to myself "man, you really need an attitude adjustment girl" I have had loving concerned friends who have lovingly told me to grow up, to which I replied "I hate you, I love you, thanks for doing that, but I hate you because you are right and I deserve that." I try to force myself to move on, but I am kind of bogged down.
 December happened. The guy  from the first date story, he really won my heart. I opened up to him like I have never opened my heart to him like I have never done before. He went to Reno, first he said just for a month, and then it became two, then three, then he got a job there and stopped talking to me for a bit, then he tried to talk to me again after three weeks of no word and it was too late. 
 All those walls I worked so hard to demolish last year, well a good portion of them went back up in an instance. I try to take them down ,but I just didn't know how. So I threw up walls, I was mean, and I pushed people away. I knew I was becoming something I didn't want to be so I just put up more walls, more attitude, more hate.  
 Honestly, I don't know what to do from here. I could go on and on about this friend or that but none of it matters, I have really good friends that love and care about me, I have family that love and care about me, but I feel like I have been trapped in a dark cave and I am just stuck. I pretend I am not there, but I am. I want to love again, I want to trust again, but I am so scared. Even my friends I know I should trust, I haven't been.  I seem to be all confidence at times, but honestly my confidence is quite shaken. My roommate is trying to get me to sit down and write a list of what I am looking for in a spouse, but I don't want to, because I am too afraid, and I don't want to think about it. I don't even want to believe that I will ever get married, because it is easier than admitting that I was really hurt, and trying to take a chance again.  I don't know, maybe now that I have said this, maybe now that I have made myself vulnerable and not just spewed hate at the nearest target, maybe now I can go make that list, and go take a chance. Because actually, I do want to meet a man, a good man,  and grow into love, and let him grow to love me, and take a chance and get married. but first I have to take a chance and tell the truth. So here it is. the truth. I am scared. I am scared that I am too much a mess and that I can never really love anyone again, that I will never care the way I should again, that all the good I was on target to do is now off target and I don't know how to get it back on target by myself. I have made a big big mess. I have messed with some very vulnerable people, that were already sensitive, and I knew it and I picked fights with them because I knew I could. I am sorry. I love you all. I know you guys love me. pray for me, because I need the walls to fall down again.
 I

the princess decided to move on

I will keep this one short. After feeling pain and heartache over the now obvious that her prince was not coming back (he decided  in fact to just join league with the evil cousins), The not so young princess looked to her friends for comfort. Over a period of time a handsome and kind male friend persistently showed up at her door and was kind to her. She did not feel for him what she had felt for the prince, but owing to the goodness of his heart, and the potential that she saw in him, the princess determined that she would accept the handsome young mans affections and for a time at least, court him to get to know him better. Perhaps if she slowed down a bit, and didn't make everything about finding an marrying someone suitable for her and her kingdom, maybe she could get to know someone well enough to truly find out if the were suitable for her and her kingdom, as opposed to the way she had previously been going about it. With that, the princess found herself in a new and different relationship, that she had no idea where it would go, but eventually, she knew she would find out.

Chapter 2: The Ball, And The Not So Young Princess.

  Weeks and Months had indeed passed since we last left our Princess crying in her tower, heart broken over her absentee Prince and her broken heart. She cried for weeks on end, often not even sure what she was crying about.  
  It seemed to the not so young and nameless Princess that the whole thing had just been a dream, or an enchantment. She called in her most trusted Privy Council of the Realm to advise her on the situation, as she no longer had her father around to turn to. Her many advisers counseled together and determined that if the Prince had not sent her letters in months, and if he had stopped sending rays of sunshine from his far distant land, then perhaps the Prince was dead and the Princess should find a way to move on.
  As the Princess was now receiving no signs at all from the prince, she believed this to be sound advice. Her kingdom could not wait for his return any longer, and she wanted her heart back. And so the Privy Council set about with ways to get her mind over things and prepared her to meet other Princes.
 As she did not completely have her heart back yet, the Princess found all of this a bit trite and painful, but slowly it worked. The council started by having hot cocoa's with the Princess daily to warm her heart. Being as she was a woman and a princess, the advisers next thought it wise to bring in a Tailor to make her some rather dashing new clothes. 
 As the Princess smiled and twirled in her new gowns, that unlike other stories were dazzlingly beautiful, not invisible, the Privy Council saw they were at a point of progress that they could start to bring in some new Princes, and perhaps, they thought, a ball would be in order.
 The Princess agreed, and a date was set for the ball, it would be at the New Year, as that is a most appropriate time in any kingdom to have a ball. To prepare the Princess further, one of the local dukes threw a small party. The Princess attended, and ended up flirting with every single single male at the party. It was rather a bit disastrous, and the attending councilors pulled her out early so as to not give anything to the paparazzi that would ruin the princess' reputation. 
 As the invitations had been sent out, they decided a few days later to try the Princess self control, as apparently a broken heart had made her an insatiable flirt. They set up a play and had the Viceroy of one of their kingdoms far off colonies be her date. 
 The princess was more successful that at the party, but still allowed the Viceroy to make a move and cuddle with her during the play, which was completely unacceptable, but she used the excuse that she was freezing cold and he was being a gentleman and keeping her warm.
 The eve of the ball was fast approaching, and the Princess was not quite emotionally ready, but invitations had been sent and the ball could not be canceled. So it was determined that a few of her most trusted councilors would watch her closely ,and if it appeared she was getting out of order, they would pull her from the room at some excuse to regain her composure.
   New Years Eve had finally arrived, servants came and made the Princess ready. They put ringlets in her hair, and the most fine makeup job. The Princess chose a royal blue gown with a diamond studded square broach embedded into the fabric, she put on her crown jewels and looked in her looking glass and said "Wow!! I'm a hottie!!" and knew that she was so ready for that ball. 
 She did not completely feel emotionally ready though, and somewhat doubted that she would find another prince. Her friends all told her they had a feeling, this was the night, and she would meet someone amazing that would change their kingdom forever. 
 The Princess entered the ball, and the music was silenced. A royal trumpet sounded and as she swept the floor looking more radiant and dazzling than she ever before had, the Princess scanned the room and examined the faces  and posture of the many Princes. One caught her eye, and one only. He was tall, good posture, he had a strawberry blond beard and brown hair. He looked positively fetching and in her heart the Princess hoped greatly to have a chance to dance with him, but she did not tell her advisers to fetch the man, she kept it to herself. 
 The dance began again and another local prince approached, she cared for this prince, and enjoyed dancing and chatting with him, it made her heart feel a bit lighter, though she soon tired of their conversation. After three or so dances with various princes that she felt were all rather dull, the Princess' feet were hurting and she decided to sit and rest a bit, and take some refreshments. 
 There was sitting by the refreshment table the very Prince she had desired to meet. She took the opportunity and sat by him. She inquired of him, and he informed her  that his name was Evan. In addition to his good looks, she learned that he had a degree in physics, and had actually lead his kingdoms military on the battle field, and did not command from a far. He had also been on the top ball room dance troupe in the world. The courage, intelligence, and dancing abilities of Prince Evan greatly impressed the Princess and she asked that the next dance he would dance with her.  

 The Princess later tried to find her Prince Evan, and request his presence at a later date. She asked her advisers to find out where he was from, and invite him to something. They searched and searched and could not find the Prince, or anything of him. The Princess decided to take it upon herself and began to search all over the room to get the adequate information to send a formal invitation for the man to return to the castle. 
  It was after nearly a half hour of searching the room that the Princess finally found Prince Evan, and she smiled and told him he was welcome to return to the castle again, and sent her councilor to get his information. 
 As they parted, they smiled at each other, and as the Princesses happiness radiated from within, she knew at last she had won her heart back, and whatever should happen with her and Prince Evan, or any other Prince for that matter, she could now at least be herself. The spell of the previous Prince had been at last broken, and she was now free again.

 

2011: An Game Changing Year

As I will be in Seattle at the Space Needle for New Years Eve tonight, and not here blogging, I figured I would take a moment now to reflect on the amazingly life changing year that was 2011.  
      I started this year with some newly developed friendships that changed and shaped my life in ways I could not imagine. My new (at the time) friends Kelly, Adrian and Julie over the course of the past year, in combination with some old friends taught me things like it is a bad idea to have five birthday parties,and  its OK to trust people, to love them, to invest in them. 
 To create ties with people isn't only to risk tears, its a guarantee them, but its almost always worth it in the end. If it isn't worth it yet, it isn't the end. They taught me new make up and hair techniques, Hunger Games is a great book, SG-1 is an awesome show, and I have a dress style that can include much much more than plaid shirts, sports jerseys, and hoodies.  
  I learned sometimes people move away, but that doesn't mean you have lost them, sometimes people move out of the singles ward, and you can still be friends, and sometimes people move right back into the singles ward after a couple weeks, because they missed you and still did their visiting teaching any way.

 In February, I met Michelle, and she became one of my most awesome friends of all time. I learned sometimes sad and painful things happen in our lives, but they can create new opportunities for beauty and growth, and trials really can be blessings. If Michelle's husband hadn't died bringing her to the singles ward, and I hadn't been having a bit of a hard time and needing someone to talk to when she and I kicked  dodge balls and chatted almost a year ago, I would be missing out on one of the greatest friendships of my life, and getting to spend sometime with four of the most awesome kids on the planet.

    Ali taught me that its possible to change your life completely, almost over night, and that you never know the impact of doing your visiting teaching, even if its just by chatting and becoming friends over Facebook. She brought me to open mic night, where we learned its best to overcome fears with a friend by your side. She brought little Naomi into our lives, and taught us that we ought to love to see the temple. And this year was a year of going to the temple-  with Julie and Isaac, Karen, Carolyn, Tracy,and anyone  else we could get to join us. 
  Toni taught me the importance of a good road trip and the tastiness of edemame. We saw most amazing views and had fun at a tourist trap. 
 


 Because I made personal preparations, and went with people who did the same my April trip to Utah changed my life more than I could ever have imagined, and I hadn't even planned to go. I met my new awesome friend Natalie, and got to know her cousin Keegan, and I got closer with sixteen other people who I spent hours driving with. My opinion on family and marriage changed completely, and I learned to love and appreciate my own family in a way I never had before. It didn't hurt to have the cutest and smartest nephew in the world around either. 
  I went to Sectionals in figure skating, and almost got my Axel this year- a goal 18 years in the process. Next year for sure!!! I also skated the part of a vulture and half of an elephant!!!  I got called to serve in two Relief Society Presidencies which I have learned so much from
 I dated Colton for three weeks, Went on dates with Aaron for two weeks, Decided I liked Chris just in time for him to move back to Reno, and went on another road trip to Utah with Jon, Tracy, and Jessica. 
  I wrote a short story that will soon be published, and then I wrote a novel in a month- still being edited. I lived in three places, finally landing in Poulsbo,  survived a doggy related financial devastation, and became friends with Jennifer, who I didn't really think I ever would. I became friends with Katie who is the most like me thinking person I have ever met, and who is the funnest person on the planet to play sports with and watch lord of the rings. 
  I came to realize that Brielle and I were meant to be friends as we make a great team- even to the founding of a book club- people who like to read books and get together and talk about it, and our own independent random acts of service movement that I am pretty sure changed a few lives because Michael keeps mentioning it, to name one more great friend I gained this year. 
 Derek was here, and he taught me how to fight with Nerf swords and conquer Europe with Diplomacy. 
I wish I could go through and mention everyone and everything that has happened and shaped my life this year, but There isn't time, and you don't want to read it, so I will sum it up like this, Last year at Christmas my dad came out and before he left he gave me a priesthood blessing. 
 All I can remember is that he blessed me that I would find good friends that would help me find my path in life, I found great friends, and I found my path in life. I am more me than I have ever been before. I have found and tapped into the beginning of my true potential. 

AXEL!!! ha ha, almost, but not really

To update everyone on my skating, Today I attempted the Axel without the aid of a harness. Now, considering it has taken me 18 years of skating, or sometimes not skating, to get to this point, I will say I am earning this jump. Today I was very very close, in fact, I totally could have had it, one thing held me back, I psyched myself out.
  My attempts with the harness on tight proved mostly successful,, So my coach loosened the harness belt so it really wasn't very effective at all, which was quite effective. I did the jump basically on my own, I just had a mental safety net. So what did my coach do after that, she detached the rope from the harness. Then I was just wearing a pretty blue harness belt and jumping on my own. With each attempt Iwould start out brave and fully committed, right up to the point where my toe was supposed to push off the ice and send me into the air, and then, i would sort of push off, rotate 180 degrees, and then just land on two feet. I could totaly have done 540 degrees, but I felt so alone and scared without my training wheel mental back up of the harness.
 Now, I will be honest, I have not been as dilligent at doing off ice Axels as my coach would have me be. But, after today, I promise I will do them every day. Then next time I try to do an Axel without a harness, I should be able to finally rotate and land just as I should, fearlessly. have a happy Saturday all. And if you are in the Bremerton area next saturday, our club show is at 7:30 pm, sunday 2:30 pm, bremerton Ice arena. We've worked hard, so come see.
   I will be in two numbers, the adult number- I will be a vulture- and awesome. and the Tot number, I will be the front half of a hillarious elephant. the theme is Jungle Book. See you there. =)

Dear Prince Charming, You stolen my heart, then left me on the shelf. What gives?

Since I am finished writing my novel I thought I would treat you all to a little "fairy tale" of sorts. Enjoy


Once upon a time, in a land far far away lived a not so young princess, who was single and had come to the realization that her father, the king would soon die, and she would be left to reign and rule alone. Her father was a kind and goodly king, who, although he encouraged her to do so, never forced, or compelled her into some awful arranged marriage situation, as he didn't want to be responsible for having his daughter marry some great weenie, he wanted her to be responsible for that.  
  The daughter, who didn't feel like she was very interested in marriage in her younger years was quite grateful to her father for this, but as the time of his death drew near, the weight and burden that would come with ruling alone started to press upon the not so young, but very beautiful princesses mind.  She came to the conclusion on her own that it was time she seek for her prince, and  continue on the family line so that some evil step cousin didn't get to rule and terrorize her beloved people upon her own death.  
  The Princess decided that she did want, however, to choose a great and noble prince, equal in talent and intellect to herself, adventurous, brave, respectful and of course attractive.  
   Sorry, slight interruption here, but no one really wants to marry a toad. Just remember there is a butt for every seat, as my dad says, and therefore some one to find every type attractive in some way, so I am not saying every man needs to be Taylor Lautner in the looks department, don't get me wrong. The princess just wanted someone she didn't find repulsive, and that she actually wanted to kiss.
  At any rate, it was time, and she knew what she was looking for. She had the king send out a proclamation to kingdoms far and wide, inviting princes and noble men to come to meet the princess and see if they were a compatible match. There were some peasant impostors dressed as princes, but by their very manner the princess weeded them out. 
  Four Princes came, the first from an Island kingdom in the midst of the sea. The princess found him very tan and muscular and attractive. He was an absolute hottie, but  she soon found that he treated her with respect only when the other knights and members of the kings court were around. She soon sent him packing back to the Island he came from. 
  The second prince arrived dressed in shining armor. He was everything the princess ever thought she could possibly want. Gorgeous, financially set, his own kingdom was in order, and  he loved adventures and made her laugh. He also appeared to love her. She had so much fun, she thought this was for sure the one, but duty called the prince back to his kingdom, and once there, he soon forgot about the princess and went on in single life with no further desire to seek marriage.
 The third prince came also from a far distant kingdom,  He wrote many letters to the princess, and sent many gifts and servants to the princess as he came on his way. With his letters and gifts he began to win her heart. On paper he seemed perfect, and so fun, she thought surely she would love his personality as much in person. But alas , When the prince arrived the princess found him to be quite dull, and unimaginative, and sadly, unattractive. Which, she thought was quite a shame as she had so set her hopes upon this one.
  Just as the third prince had arrived so had another prince from a very near and neighboring country. She had known him some what during her life, and thought he was indeed handsome, though not quite as much as the second one. His kingdom had great potential but was currently suffering an economic set back. He had great talent, and skills, he loved learning, and adventure, and dancing. 
  The princess was swept off her feet. To be kind she sent the third prince away. The fourth prince soon had won her absolute affection and adoration. One night, he snuck into her room in the middle of the night and kissed her gently on the lips. She was under his spell. 
  In that instance, the prince stole her heart, quite literally through his spell which was in his song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j82FBbgpUy4&noredirect=1 Her heart now belonged to him. She was in a sort of dream like waking slumber from that moment on, and was only truly alive when the prince was by her side.
 A sudden problem in his country, called the prince away quite unexpectedly, but he promised he would return soon, as he also adored the princess, but he did not return her heart at this moment. Without him everything she did seemed very unimportant indeed. She wrote him daily letters, and he wrote daily replies.  

 His letters contained enough magic to bring the princess to vivid life again for a day at a time. Worried about his daughter, the king found an enchanter who provided her with a soothing song and dance that also made her more lively when the letter wore off, though never quite as good as the prince himself could do. She would often listen, and make up a dance routine in her head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtVh8kVZ_XM. 
Upon hearing this the prince swore he would return and dance at the ball with her to the song she so loved as soon as he could take leave of his kingdom. 

  Before he could reach the princess, he was overtaken and captured by her evil cousin. Not knowing that he was captured, and fearing he had abandoned and forgotten her as the second prince had done, the princess wrote one short last message to her prince "Dear Prince Charming, You have stolen my heart, then left me on the shelf. My kingdom in now in great peril. Why do you not return? What gives? Have you also forgotten me, my love?" 
 The princess of course did not hear back from her prince, but despite his captivity he tried to send rays of sunshine to keep the princess somewhat lively until he could hopefully return to her. She would feel this occasionally, and begin to hope, and then it would wear off and she would feel quite sad and alone. The princess soon wondered if she had been cursed by the enchanter, and was destined to always loose the princes she thought she loved, and always receive the adoration of those she didn't.
 Upon her fathers death she found a way to continue on her reign, and make the kingdom run, but she wondered if she had been forgotten and left on the shelf, like a dented can of baked beans, covered in dust, spending till her expiration date waiting for her prince to come. 
                                         Not the end, but that is where we will leave off for now. 


How many of you girls have ever felt like that princess?

Novel writing is hard, Finish music is cool, if you think you want to date me, Don't read my Blog.

So, I am not doing so well writing my novel today. I have 6,000 words and I am stuck. No idea where to go with this now. But, I am enjoying the new CD my coach bought me from Finland. The singer ironically used to be a figure skater. 
 So in other random news, Karen and I have made disclaimers for anyone that is interested in dating us. She can share hers on her Blog, but mine is  

WARNING: If you want to date me, Don't read my Blog, don't have your family read my Blog, and if you do read my Blog, Don't comment to me randomly outside the sphere of my Blog that you have read my Blog and want to know if something is about you!!!


I honestly write a lot of the things I do to get people to think and discuss things, not because it is my exact precise opinion on them. Yeah, it is my opinion, but the point is, I want thought and discussion on the web to come of it, not you reading about my experience I had dating someone else and think that I was randomly talking about you. I need freedom with my Blog to write these type of thoughts without feeling outside pressure or influence that I have to worry about offending individuals. I will worry about offending the masses, a little, and write it any way. But if I have to worry about each and every person that I know is reading this, I will never be able to write anything. If you can date me and not get all paranoid, then you are welcome to read my blog, other wise future boyfriends (and their families), KEEP OUT.  and that is all I have to say about that. 

National Novel Writing Month

so its national novel writing month http://www.nanowrimo.org/ and I am participating. My posts may be less and few and far between this month, if I am busy writing. Or, they may be more than ever as like now I have written a title page and am terrified to continue, and there for am stalling by fb ing and playing on my blog. anyone who wants to join me, lets go for it!!! should be fun. now how to make that cool story in my head I already thought of appear on paper, humm. iki.

I love My Home Evening group

You know, sometimes I really under appreciate them, but tonight I realized just how much I do love my Home Evening group. They are all so fun and interesting, even when I feel pretty crappy they make me smile. I learned alot about how homogenized milk is useless crap today for one, and  that Jake can have a crazy imagination and if he is ever in charge of a haunted house I am not going there because I would never recover. Bottom line, I love me group. I learn so much from them and at a minimum am  very entertained for an hour and a half on Mondays. and we had a decent spiritual discussion. I encourage everyone everywhere to discover the joy and amusement that comes from having Family Home Evenings, and If you are a YSA in a ward or branch with home evening groups, I encourage you to attend. You never know what you may gain from it.

When I'm sick, I sleep on the couch. When I'm not I sleep in my bed.

I just woke up from a five hour nap on the couch. I came home from work today, as pale as a ghost and feeling very weak and nauseous.  The second I walked in  the door I grabbed a blanket and passed out on the couch. I vaguely remember two other people showing up at various times to walk my dog for me, which I was grateful for because he kept dropping a Frisbee on my head ever five seconds. 
 At one point when I woke up I kinda realized something, Except for very rare occasions I sleep on the couch when I am sick. You'd think my own bed would be more comfortable and preferable, but no, if I am sick, I want the couch. I think it comes back to when I was a kid,  my mom always had us sleep on the couch when we were sick so that she could have easier access to helping us (I think, I don't really remember but this makes sense.). 
Now my mom is no longer here to help me but sleeping on the couch is closer to the kitchen, if I need water or something, but further from the bathroom- so that's a draw back. My own bed wouldn't have woke me up when people came to walk my dog, but if someone came without their own key I could easily get to the door to contaminate them.  I still like sleeping on the couch when I am sick. Its somehow comforting.

"When You're My Age, And Not Married Yet..."

I will never forget when I was about 20 years old, and going to Snow College, in Ephraim, UT (GREAT school by the way, I highly recommend it to anyone), there was a 28 year old New Zealander called "Pup" (yes, that was a nick name). Pup was, well, Pup was a hottie by any definition of the word. Brilliant green eyes, muscles upon muscles and that accent! Whoa! yeah. I was way interested in him, but way too young for him. So I tried to set him up with a similarly aged cousin (at least maybe we could get some good genes like that in the family, yeah?). During Said attempted Pup said something to me that I have NEVER forgotten. He said "When you get to be my age, and your not married yet then there is something wrong with you" 
   To Pups defense, for those of you thinking that is horribly cruel thing to say about yourself or anyone else, when you get to be my age (3 months from 30), and  you are still not married, well I think at least subconsciously you have to have thought that about yourself at least once.  Now, I just realized I had done this about myself the other night. Usually I remember Pups words when I am starting to go on dates with someone that seems to be interested in me, and I begin to question about the guy- Hold on a minute, you are nearly 30 and not married, why? there has to be a reason, am I missing something that is going to sneak up and bite me in the butt later?  I think it is good to be a little cautious, but I don't want this question to make me constantly run away or nit pick myself eternally out of marriage, but  I'll be honest, I do ask myself that question about people. 
 In all fairness, I realized while talking to a friend last night, I do the same thing to myself. So its fair. You see, when I am certain and my friends confirm a guy seems to really like me, I ask why. I mean, I know I am supremely awesome and super talented and all that but why do you like me so much when so many others did not?  and then the root question finally comes out- If I am this old and not married, surely you must realize that   
there is a reason in fact that I am not married yet? right?  well, it sounds harsh, but its true, there is, or in my opinion, was,  a reason. I have worked on that reason and feel I am nearly ready now, just lacking the man. 
 I am an extremely honest and open person, so I will tell you why I am not yet married- I saw too many bad marriages around me growing up. Too many extended relatives in abusive marriages, too many marrying cheaters, and beaters, etc.  and on top of it I heard some constant criticisms  and people in marriages that have stayed together and are relatively "happy" marriages constantly tell me for as long as I remember that they had made a mistake and wished they never had gotten married to whom they did.
 All of this persuaded me that  I had better be extremely cautious in choosing someone that I believe I will be married to through out all eternity. I am still cautious, but now it is within reason, and I have come to believe that marriage can be a good and happy thing, and is now something I actually desire, where as until about eight months ago that was  very defiantly not the case if I am honest.  
 What I came to realize talking to my friend last night, was that alot of people ask the same question- why would you be interested in me? is this a game?  and also Why are you so old and still not married?  With the increasing numbers of us older singles, I think its important we recognize why we are at where we are, but also realize that there is a balance, and no one is perfect. Just some food for thought, on an old thought that keeps returning to my head. Pup, I don't know where you are or where you went, but I still believe there is a lot less wrong with you, than you thought. lots of love to you man, where ever you are. 

If I write about a DATE in the title will you read this? I bet so.

So, I have a lot to talk to everyone about, and yes, there is a date to mention. Right now I have a massive headache and I feel like my brain may explode. its been that way for a few days, so I need to get this all out. Its been a crazy month. But Saturday, I learned something about myself- Sometimes to accomplish one goal, I need to focus on another. 
 So Saturday morning at the rink, My coach asked me what my goals were- did I want to test?  compete?  Shows? What? and I said "oh yes, I want to keep doing all those, but first I just want to focus on getting my Axel." well my coach pointed out to me that, even though it was a good goal, and important, I needed to keep working on everything, including my foot work, if I were to both get my Axel and progress on in my testing. Its true, My lack of practicing my "moves in the field" as they are called had hurt my progress on the Axel. all those boring little things like three turns help you with arm position and take offs and all that important stuff to not die on the Axel. 
   So tonight, on a related but completely different note, I skipped Home Evening group, and went and had Family Home Evening with my friend Ali and her baby Naomi. I have felt so off balance since I got home from my road trip to Utah, and I just needed an evening with a real family, discussing spiritual things and getting all this stuff and emotion out of my head. So that is what we did, and that was what I needed. I felt really bad, because I guess I was supposed to do the lesson for my group, but I completely had forgot about it and wouldn't have been prepared any way. 
 The problem you see, is that like my Axel, I had alot invested emotionally in this road trip- seeing friends and family, old mission presidents and Baltic peoples, oh and yeah, I did a road trip across 900 miles each way and had dinner with my family and the guys family together and all our families were putting massive pressure on the situation. and I came back and just wanted to write about it, but I know people that were involved read this blog. But you know what, I just have to say what I just  have to say, and I can't hold it in any more.
    I will be honest that I went into that trip with a lot of big expectations, and pressure, from myself and from outside. I had developed a great friendship over a year- long distance, and I wanted to meet the man in person and see what happened. I got scared and nervous, but I talked myself out of fear, and despite the pressure I think I gave the most fair and honest chance I could to seeing how things went. 
 It was an OK drive from Seattle to Utah. General Conference was really good, but I didn't feel anything specifically for me like last time, just a lot of good general stuff to keep me on the path.  I learned alot though, about me, and my guy friend. Road trips are good for that, getting to know people, I think.  It weeds out alot of fronts you could other wise have the energy to put up. Dinner wasn' too bad except when a certain sister in law cornered the guy and asked his intentions ( I love you Mel, but if you do that again. . . ) 
 well, there was that, and I think I just had so much time running around visiting friends, and trying to spend time with my mom, but not really spending quality time, just like quantity time, that it was hard. I think everyone  got rushed, except maybe Natalie who is really fortunate, and awesome.  
      
 There was just tension and friction in the air. We got back to Seattle and had an amazing game night and temple night with my friends here, and my guy friend. We went on like a dozen dates in three days - the zoo, the aquarium, the space needle and a bunch of other places.  Well we came to the end of it and I had some thinking to do ,because what I discovered was  that I found him in the friend zone ,and that was all, and it was tough and i didn't want to say it because i was afraid people would think i was running away again, I was afraid I was running away again, plus how many months ago did I get put in the friend zone and I know how much that hurts. 
   
   Well, but I knew I had to be honest. So as soon as I checked I wasn't running away I informed my friend he was in the friend zone. That is hard,  but it was necessary, because its true and its not going to change  no matter how many tries I give it. But i still had fun ,and it was a great trip, and I wrote a short story out of it, so there ya go. 


 but any way, like my Axel, I was told tonight by Ali, to focus on other things so I am not worn out by all that happened that week, and what I want and what I think I need and everything, So I will focus on some other things, like my calling for a bit, and that will be good for me. I am going to write a novel in November. I am looking forward to it. I hope that brings everyone up to speed. if you are confused, i was trying to be a little ambiguous because I don't want to embarrass my friend or anything, he still is a great friend. but I have to write, its just how I am. good night all. there is you update.

Bored At Work? 10 Things You Can Do To Make A Boring Job Fun

  Ever had one of those days you just didn't want to be at work, and the day just dragged on and on? Ever had a week of that?  It doesn't matter what your job is, everyone has days they just don't want to be there. Some people have jobs that they never want to be there- Telemarketing comes to mind.  Well, today I had a blast at work, so I thought I might share part of my secret to enjoying a day back at work after two weeks off- resulting in piles and piles of boring crap, that I actually enjoyed working on. So adapted for multiple types of work, here are ten of those ideas to help you out. 


1- Listen to exciting soundtrack music from John Williams!!! What could spice up a boring day at the office more than Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Jurassic Park, or Harry Potter theme music. 


2- While listening to music from #1, go and get the mail, imagine you are being chased down the corridor by a giant stone, storm troopers, a T-Rex,  or HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED!! AHAHAHAHA 


3- Not everyone can listen to music at work. If you work somewhere exciting like a Wal-Mart, or a bank, you can always imagine cool back stories on the people who come in to share with your friends later- Maybe D.B. Cooper visited your bank to deposit some moist and moldy old money, or maybe that woman returning the car seat is really part of SG-1, and took it to an alien planet  where all those crusty boogers multiplied so quickly.  


4- If you are lucky enough to work in a Lab of sorts, your fun could be endless!!!  You could pretend you are  the mad doctor creating Frankenstein. after every sample result comes back you could laugh a mad laugh and go "its alive!!" 


5- If you work fast food, you can imagine you are in the fast food Olympics, make your country proud, Go for the gold!!!


6- if you get to drive, oh how lucky you are- Indy five hundred time!! just don't get a ticket. or maybe better yet, you could pretend you are a CIA agent, trying to get evidence to the home base before enemy spies can track you down and destroy the evidence. 


7- really boring office job? spend a day imagining you are Pam from the office. decided which office character each of your co-workers really reminds you of.


8- write a parody in your head about your job, to whatever song you are listening to. I made one once, it was Katy Perry's Firework, and I changed it to  "oh baby your a TCO" which none of you would get because you don't know what a TCO is.  One time me and my co-workers made ourselves into a fictional band, playing staplers, and the computer key board. we named ourselves after a number code we had to enter into the computer for errors. Or you could always just go test out the acoustics in the bathroom. (hopefully its empty when you start singing) 


9- If you are lucky enough to commute to work by ferry each day, and have an awesome view of the water and ferries, you can always look out and see why the boats are stopping, and ask yourself- did someone jump today, yet again? or  Is that an orca down there? is that why the slowed? 


10-  If all else fails turn your job into a competition against yourself. time yourself. Can I do this faster and better than I did yesterday? or maybe  Can I answer the phone and sound more professional and awesome than I did yesterday? or if you are a garbage man - can I get all that garbage in the truck under 3 minutes without spilling it all over the road?   




see, work can be fun, no mater what it is. I didn't cover all jobs here today, but I think you get the idea. Get to work you slackers!!!

What I'm Trying To Say Is, Thank You, I'm Glad You Exist, Friend.

Well, Today was one of those days that just reminds me of how much God loves me, and how much he is aware of my needs, and all our needs really. Today at church we had a change in the Bishopric and that always makes one think. Because God has put into my path people who have had such an impact and made such a change in me that I will forever be grateful for their existence, I count them among my best friends.  But, others have made such gradual adjustments to me and my life I sometimes miss it. Sister Gibbons, Thank you. I always appreciated your being around, and all that I learned from you in choir, and just your life advice, but I don't think I recognized how much you have impacted me, and all the Bishopric wives in our ward. Now, I just had another interruption, just after I started to write this blog that actually completely applies to it.  In Relief Society today we had a lesson, and it reminded me of well, who I used to be, some past trials I had to get through, and a friend, who happened to be there, who because of her experiences and stories that she chose to share with me at just the time I was in need of them. I don't think I will ever be able to say anything more than that. I will really probably never be adequately able to thank my friend, or ever explain to her what she did for me, but I wanted to try -again- because today reminded me of that sense of eternal indebtedness I feel to her.  So I sent her a text, and failed to say  anything at all of what or why I felt like I did, because I can't. I don't know how.  But , a short while after I sent the text, I got the interrupting phone call from her, and apparently my text came when she needed it most. So what I learned from this is that God is taking care of us, and he knows who to put in our life and when. When we express gratitude to that friend, and to God you never know you and that friend may both benefit from it, or maybe  only you will, and it will just be nice words to them, but you never know, so say it anyway.  So, what I am saying to all of you, each of you, Ali who sits by me when I sing loud and miss the notes I choir, Jon who has taken my phone calls and texts whenever I need you, to Brielle who always supports me in my crazy ideas, to sister Gibons, to sister Heartman, To sister La Mar,  to sister Stoner, to mom and dad, to Jen and Karen, to Michelle for staying up late nights talking to me, to Jons dad for reading my blogs with bad spelling, to my teachers and leaders and mission presidents, my companions, my roommates, and my family back in Utah, and Amanda, and Jill, and Hannah, To all of you who have been by my side, who have taught me, who have made me who I am today - What I am trying to say is thank YOU, I am glad YOU exist. Friend.  You and the friend who called, you have all made me who I am today, and I am glad, because I have become awesome, and am growing awesomer everyday, and a year ago, I was living well below my privilege and you have changed my life FOREVER.  Merci, Danke, Spaciba, Aciu, Paldies, Gracias, Kiitos, Arigato, Sheshi !!!

Finding My Center- Center Ice, Center Bike, Center Forget Me Not...

So, today was a very busy day, but very very awesome. I woke up early and headed to the rink for the first time in three months. I cannot even begin to explain the calm and peace I felt as my blades hit the frozen surface and the cool crisp smell of  ice filled my nostrils. Soon my coach came (like as soon as I hit the ice) and we started going over footwork stuff. I had gotten a little rusty, but not bad really at all. And then, It was time to jump, and I was still getting some pretty big air even though I was out of practice. I did all my jumps Waltz to Lutz and then I did them in combination with either a toe or a loop. The sensation of flying through the air over the ice, it just brought me a new energy and calm that I can get and find in no other way.  
  Right after ice skating, I went to my friends house and did some repairs on my car. Turns out I needed new break pads stat!!! So my friends dad, who had just pulled up ten minutes earlier on the Harley, decided to take me  on the Harley to NAPA to get all our auto part needs. I love that bike, can I just say!! the only thing that has ever come close to calming, and centering me like Figure Skating is motorcycle rides. AND it was a beautiful day. cruising on the bike through trees and sun and hills and twistys with the wind in my face and hair and soaring free!  So very very nice these two things. I felt at the end I could handle almost anything, even the cost of new breaks on a tight budget.  
Finally tonight, I went to a Relief Society humanitarian night, we worked on all sorts of projects, and I learned some fun Scottish sayings to tell if people are too drunk. and when that was done I got to listen to the General Relief Society broadcast, and in that broadcast President Dieter Uchtdorf talked about the Forget Me Not flower, and five things not to forget. I loved that talk. It was exactly what I needed to hear. The five things not to forget are 1)  have patience and compassion with yourself- God is aware you are not perfect, and that those you think are perfect are also not perfect, but that you are trying. 2) There are wise sacrifices and there are foolish sacrifices (this one was the most for me) i.e.- staying up all night to make a scripture case that I would have worked better on with sleep- foolish,   staying up late at night talking to a friend in need- wise.  3) Find joy and happiness now,  where you are, in the simple things, and not in winning the golden ticket- enjoy the candy bar even if all your dreams don't come true in this instant. 4) Never forget the WHY of the gospel of Jesus Christ. as important as where and what can be, Why lifts us up and inspires us, it give it meaning, not just a motion. 5) never forget that your Heavenly Father knows, loves, and cherishes you.  


enough said. That talk gave me one more thing to find my center. I now feel balanced. Now, just to go to sleep so that I am not being foolish. thanks for letting me share- it was a wonderful calming day. I love You all and so does God. 

Dwindling In Fatigue

So, as you noticed lately my posts are few and far between ,and in recent weeks, pretty crappy. My friends are almost constantly asking me if I am okay. Can I just say to everyone I am fine. I am even happy and quite content right now. I have a lot of true friends that I love and know are loyal to me. I have family that I love and get along with better than ever. I have a calling that is demanding, but in truth, I love it. I have a few good men around (well kind of around, they could live or stay closer and that would make me even happier) that I adore and who seem to adore me (please continue your adoration, I do not find it offensive in the least bit). So what then is the deal with Mandi? sometimes I am supper funny, and then I just get a  look. Well, I will tell you exactly what it is, I am dwindling in fatigue. I run and run and run some more. I think of more and more little projects to do, and I sleep less and less and less. I enjoy all these little projects, they are fun, but time is a precious commodity and in short supply, so sacrifices must be made, and I always make them in the sleep department.  I average 5 hrs of sleep, but it is slowly getting closer to 4. I am doing mostly fine with this, except I can't keep it up much longer, or I am going to just stop caring. My friend Jessica warned me. She does this too, and then you just get emotionally drained. You forget why you are doing anything, and nothing becomes very important. I am near that point. And so, I pledge to you all that I will get some sleep, Soon, I hope. Okay I will sleep when I am dead,  and maybe a little tomorrow. Okay, fine, so that I can love all of you, think rationally, and be funny again, I will get 8 hrs of sleep before Sunday is through. In the meantime, know that I still love you, somewhere deep inside, but to quote a country song  due to a lack of sleep "my give a damn is busted"  So I guess I'd better go fix it, and not swear any more. have a good night and sweet dreams to you all.   (snoring )