Openness

         I feel too much I don't know if I can say anything, but I can say that I get scared sometimes.  I am learning to open up to people and be more vulnerable than I have ever been in my entire life. My walls are truly coming down, one at a time, slowly. 
   I think the thing that scares me the most is letting go of that control, control of my own image, control of what I allow people to see of me, and letting them truly see me. It scares me so much, but at the same time, its so worth the risk when it means better friendships and relationships.   

That is all. Supper short, I know. but wow!! Kind of overwhelmed tonight.  Thanks again for all my friends, I love you guys

Sparkles, Wolfs, and Headless Vampires

 If you couldn't guess from the title this post is going to be about Twilight, well actually, about Breaking Dawn  Part Deux.   

My counselor has encouraged me to be more open and honest about things, so I am gonna start right here and right now, with something that is incredibly difficult for me to admit....

I used to be really really into twilight. I loved the books. I was kind of obsessed with them at one point. And. Then.... I saw the first movie.  and , I moved.  To Western Washington,  and took a few Twilight tours with friends and family. Not official ones. We did our own.

I watched three of the movies. I never saw Breaking Dawn part one. I don't want to. I never planned to watch Breaking Dawn Part two.

That is the truth, and here is how I wound up watching tonight.

My friend Jennifer is back in town for a few days for Thanksgiving.  She wanted to do something with me and our friend Karen. They decided we would go to Breaking Dawn so that we could see Taylor Lautner with his shirt off again. OK, That IS worth it, I wont lie.  But mainly, I went to hang out with my friends. This is how I found the movie....


It started, and then the special effects were super cheesy. I actually was laughing. Out loud. In the theater. Especially during the beginning hunt scene. Was this supposed to be a drug induced experience? it kind of felt like it.  Then, Kristin Stewart killed a Cougar, and growled at it.  ha ha ha ha. I still cant stop laughing. Seriously? you growled at that cougar?    Also there were a lot of these little fairy flower things floating in the field. What? I don't get that still. 

But then the movie started for realzies and it was way better than I thought it would be. Sure, there were still some cheesy lines- its Twilight, its a drama/ romance thing, you have to have cheese.  There was also a distinct, in my opinion, lack of lines. I was wondering for a while if maybe I was watching Downton Abbey, because they did a lot of looks. lots of looks. I have no idea what was going on, they just looked at the camera in silence a lot, like "Read my mind please". And then, a vampire got its head ripped off. It was kind of gross.  I wont mention how I felt about the sex scenes, I am pretty sure it lived up to the awkwardness I felt reading the book, so that means it was a success?    

Now, I've pretty much ripped on this, but the truth is, apart from a moment or two of motion sickness , I LOVED IT!!! I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. And, the battle scene was not at all like I imagined reading the book, but it was really great and I loved it.  My favorite was that Dakota fanning was supper creepy with her crazy red eyes and merciless infliction of pain, Christopher Heyerdal is the MAN! I got really excited when I saw him, that may be because I recently watched Sanctuary again. He is such a lovable evil villain and a scary good guy that I can't help but love anything he is in.   Michael Sheen is just so sweetly evil that it makes him horrifyingly scary because he is so nice about wanting to destroy you for your own good.  Even Robert Pattinson has gotten back in my good books again, because he was so improved over previous Twilights that I think my love of Cedric Diggory is restored. Yay!!  he was killed by Voldemort, reborn as a sparkly Vampire and finally grew to be an actor I can enjoy watching.   Oh yeah, did I mention Taylor Lautner takes of his shirt?  yup. By the end of the movie, I was sad it was over. I even stayed through a good portion of the credits listening to that lovely Christina Perry song that I want played at my wedding. When it was over, I was very sad. I actually wanted more.   Its easy to hate on Twilight.  A lot of teenage girls get giggly about it, and it is cheesy, but I will admit right here and right now, that I would pay money to go see that movie again. It felt good to laugh so much. I really enjoyed myself. I may even read the books again.        

The best moment of the night though, came as my friends and I were walking out of the theatre. Karen turned and said " My daughter is NEVER dating my teenage boyfriend"   ha ha, AMEN to that Karen!!!    


Also, The previews some of them were horrifically terrifying, like that Mommy one or whatever. Creepy children.  I want to see the zombie one, Les Miserables, and the Hobbit. Everything else was crap.   And that is how I feel about  Breaking Dawn  Part 2, bring on The Host, and hopefully the first half of that movie moves faster than the book did. 

Finding My Forgotten Carol, A Thanksgiving Eve Adventure

Oh what a day its been.  I have never cried so much.  I am not sure I can even really begin to explain, but you know I am going to try.

I went to bed last night at 1:30 in the morning, because after a week of starting to get a little off balance again, I needed a girls night, and I needed to talk to my best friend about all the junk in my head I had been running away from and not dealing with.

At 6:30 this morning, I woke up, threw on some work out wear, grabbed my skate bag, and headed to the rink for my first skating lesson since like April. It was good. It was hard work. It was crazy fun. I was slightly sore after, but I have the most amazingly awesome Finnish woman for a coach, and when I don't put the correct arm in front, she tells me in Finnish, and some how I understand that better.  I worked on stroking and 3 turns. It was basic, it was small, but some how this progressing slowly and rebuilding all my skating almost from scratch is making me a better, more patient and controlled skater, and I think, as painful and slow as this year has been, its a good thing.

After skating I ran to the store and made some thanks giving preparations, mainly  cooking down pumpkin to make my pumpkin pie and soup. I had about three hours to eat lunch, do some reading and work on my work book pages I had been avoiding all week before it was time to head off to my counseling session with  Josh Weed   Who is an Amazing person and and excellent counselor.   I would encourage everyone to read his blog, especially his unicorn club post, but they are all great.  Traffic was HORRENDOUS both going to and coming back from Auburn, so I was late, and it took me an extra half hour to get home.

Result:  After a very emotional session of dealing with everything I had ran away from all week, I drove straight home and had a total of FIVE minutes  to take my dog out to pee and then run  jump in my friend Dan's car to go to the Forgotten Carols in Seattle.  Result: I was pretty primed for an emotional cry baby night.

Dan and I stopped at Faddo's for dinner, because its my favorite and  it was pretty close to Benaroya Hall where the show was. mmmm tasty Irish food and champions league soccer / football.  nice.  we ate so much we had to practically roll ourselves up the steep Seattle hills.  When we got to BH, I had to pee, because I drank three glasses of water in the hour we were at Faddos. This is a common theme for me this week.  Any way, Dan had handed me my ticket and we were going to meet at our seats. He bought my ticket as a Christmas present, best present ever.  I approached an usher for direction, and she told me it was right toward the front. When I realized how close to the front, I NEARLY  DIED.  we were on the second row they were using for people, four rows back from the stage. I have never sat that close ever in my life. ever. ever!!!

I almost started crying then and there. It was clear that I was doomed.  The lights dimmed and with the first flute note tears came streaming down my face, and have continued ever sense. I felt so much there tonight, so much I haven't felt in a long time, so much I have never felt because I wouldn't allow myself to.  My first feeling was how much my mom loves the forgotten carols, and my memories of Christmases past watching with her, or listening to the CD constantly while cleaning the house. I love my mom.  By the end of the show, I really just wanted my mom there to give her a big hug. At intermission I went and bought the second to last one they had of a very special Christmas tree Ornament to give to her. I will talk more about this later.  As the show played on I loved the songs as much if not more than ever, the power of the words and the melody captivated my soul.

But this was an experience for me like never before. I have gone to this show before, but this is the first time I have every understood Constance.  I was there with her every moment in shared pain, and shared joy. When the part about her not being able to have children came up, and the song "Mary let me hold her baby" I thought of how blessed I was to have friends with kids that let me, every now and then, get to have little mini mommy moments, even though I'm not really their mom,  I like when I get to have some kind of experience like that and help my friends out.  I am also now incredibly grateful for my new call to the primary.  I finally have reached the point in my life where I really would like the experience of being a mom.  and I really related to the character in that moment.  There were many other things like this that happened for me. I cried the whole time.

What got me was in the end. I knew this was coming, but singing together "We can be together forever someday". That song always reminds me of my French sister Laeitita. She was our foreign  exchange student for three years. I stayed with her family for one summer too.  I remember the last time we took Laetitia to the airport,  I sang her that song, and she nearly hit me and then she started crying, and my dad yelled at me to stop because I was upsetting her. And I yelled back that I was just trying to express how I felt the only way I knew how. I still miss my friend Laetitia.

I grabbed some quick signatures from the cast. One of the senior couples in my mission knew one of the lead actress and that is the whole reason I ended up going tonight. It was a Thanksgiving miracle and the best Thanksgiving eve ever. I had to meet our common friend. And I told Michael McLean about how I once skating to one of the  songs from the forgotten carols for my personal progress project, or something. I wish I still had that video.   Any way, then we headed out into the cold down to the ferry.

On the way in to Seattle as I walked through the pedestrian bridge/homeless camp, I saw someones bed. I was so cold and all I could think of is how hard that would be, and that I was really glad I was not homeless.  On the way back my heart was full, and so were my eyes - of tears-  and my head was full of song. As we approached the  homeless area of the bridge one of the Forgotten Carols popped into my head :  "Homeless, Homeless, like the Christ child was, we are not homeless, homeless.. for in his love there  is a home."  and I wanted to do something, anything to share the love I felt at that moment.


AND THEN I SAW HIM....  the homeless man that has been apart of my life since I moved here over four years ago. Almost daily this man sweeps the bridge, clearing leaves and debris  and helping so it doesn't flood in the rain, and it isn't dirty and gross.  When he is away from this spot, when he isn't there to sweep, it backs up and we have to cross a lake to get to work, and then my feet are cold and wet all day and I am sad. Every time I see this man, I think of the great service he does to all of us, and he does it just so that its clean.  I saw him, and I heard the song. I thought about the goodies in my bag I had bought. I really couldn't see him having a way to play a CD, so I reached in and gave him the one thing that I could, the one thing that seemed to symbolize everything he stood for to me, the Christmas tree ornament.

 Tears filled my eyes,  and  my voice cracked as I just handed him the little white box and said " thank you so much for always sweeping this bridge, it means so much to me. here is a special Christmas ornament"  I don't know, what use that will be for him, or if it will mean anything to him at all. But for weeks I have wanted to thank him, to do something. That is all I could think to do, and so I did it, and then I walked away crying, and texted my mom that her Christmas present went to a homeless guy. Merry Christmas Mom.  Then I cried in the ferry terminal. Then I got on the ferry and cried some more. then I got on facebook and wrote about it and cried some more.  Then my friends told me I should write a song about it, so I did, but Facebook wouldn't let me post, and it was lost.  So, I will try again.

Water, water every where, but mostly in my eyes, here upon the ferry, riding at even tide.
Water, water every where, he cleaned every day, so I could walk freely without water in my way.
In the dark of the night, as the wind screams and howls my heart is full of light and love and truth the more somehow.  I'm crying on the ferry, I'm crying in the town. My heart is full, I have such joy, my tears are warmth somehow.


I wanted to end with a thought or two more. the two women that encouraged me to make up a song about crying on the ferry are very important to me right now.  They both have shown amazing amounts of love and friendship to me and made me feel so loved. Earlier this week I was really struggling, and one of them made it her goal , nay, her mission to make me smile and be happy. I don't know that I can express what that meant to me, especially since I had only just seen her at church and never really talked to her individually before. Why did she care about me? why did it matter if I had a bad day? I don't know but her attempts to make me smile were successful beyond all imagination and now I really love her for it and always will.  I have really great friends. I have a great family, I am very blessed, and I am thankful for counseling combined with the forgotten carols to well and truly turn me into a big blubbering baby for the day.   No running from feelings right now, they are running down my face.  Happy Thanksgiving all, I am thankful for you, I am thankful for your love, and I am thankful for Jesus Christ and his gospel.  I have never felt such gratitude before, I love it. God really does know me and gives me just what I need. 

I Couldn't Hear Nobody Sing

 Yesterday I  went through 3.5 hrs of choir practices on some much less than easy songs. It was a blast by by the end I was exhausted, and my throat was exhausted.  I didn't know one could get so tired singing. 
  Today I woke up, and wisely chose to rest my voice and just listen to some of the numbers to prepare for tonight's concert. That helped me finally memorize all the words and that came in handy.

  My attempts at resting my voice ended when I got to church and remembered it was also our Ward choir performance. Then I was going to not sing the hymns during sacrament meeting. I tried, but when music plays I have to sing. Then I went and taught primary, and I had to keep quieting the kids. then, it was singing time.  in the words of one of the songs we performed tonight- How can I keep from singing?  When its the Book of Mormon stories song, and the snow man song I cant.  
  
 So I left church with a more tired voice than I started, and one hour to eat dinner and get to the Stake center.  I ran home, finished dinner and ate, being sure not to eat any cheese or dairy.  I had to do something to relax my voice and throat, so I drank hot water with lemon and honey. I drank probably a liter of it, then I took off to the church.  

  As we started our practice I didn't see how I would be able to sing, but my muscles relaxed and my voice warmed up and things were looking good. Anytime we took a break I drank some water. With a half hour till time to start, I really had to pee.  But practice wasn't over. I waited.  Fifteen minutes to go, still practicing.  Finally with three minutes till we had to be back in our seat I was able to rush to the bathroom.  I thought I was safe. 

 As we sat waiting for the rest of the choir to take their seats, my good friend Katie started making up her own words to some of our songs. She would sing part of Cindy, and then she started changing the words to I Couldn't Hear Nobody Pray, to I couldn't hear nobody sing. I was busting up.  I could hear somebody singing, she was sitting right next to me ,and I was smiling.

About two songs into our 10 song repertoire all that water I drank came back to haunt me. I had to pee again, and we had 45 minutes to go. 45 minutes of not just singing but also dancing and clapping, but I did it, I made it through ,and I had a blast. Now my voice is gone, My throat is tired, and I am ready for sleep.  and I don't wanna hear nobody sing, till tomorrow. 

A Fun New Way to Grocery Shop

Sometimes I get bored. I get really bored.  Then, I get creative. 

Today, I was tired, and bored, but I needed to do my grocery shopping. I put it off for about four hours while I watched four episodes of Merlin. Great show, I love it. 

Finally, after a lovely episode about a quest to an enchanted magical far off land to get a trident from a magical sea king, I decided it was time to go shopping. Of course, after four hours of watching someone do "magic" with their eyes, and re-painting my Harry Potter wand I made last Monday, I was feeling my boredom and fatigue change into creativity. 

As I walked into Wal-mart, suddenly I was on a quest to find all my Thank giving food items. I walked down each aisle of the food department, and I stared intensely at the objects on the shelf, pretending my magic eyes were helping me find my food products. It was a blast. I've never had so much fun grocery shopping.

You may have just stepped out of a Bond movie if...

Every now and again, I feel the need to do a top ten list.  Tonight is one of those. Just came home from the New James Bond- Sky Fall.  So here is its.. 

The Top Ten  Signs You Just Stepped Out of a Bond Movie

10. As you run to the theatre restrooms to beat the post movie crowds,  you carefully check the feet under the stalls and then kick open the door to your stall before you go in. 

9. You use the mirrors in the bathroom to make sure the other person in the bathroom isn't pulling a weapon on you as you dry your hands in the industrial strength hand dryer.

8. You feel like there is sexual tension everywhere and that at any moment  you and/ or people around you may just start making out. Then you realize none of you are spies and you don't want to make out with any of them,  but a part of you thinks that despite the grey in his beard , Daniel Craig was super sexy and maybe you just want to make out with him.

7. When you get home, you cautiously approach your house, surveying the dark and misty land around you for anyone lurking in the shadows, and you think of your bow and arrows, and exactly where they are located in the house, and how you should use them if you need to.

6. You carefully (yeah, you don't want to do any damage, you realize you aren't bond) kick the door open, and immediately check behind every door, closet, shower curtain, and couch just to be sure no one is waiting in the wings to catch you unawares and kill you before you can kill them.

5. You start referring to your dog as Q, and pretend his rawhide is a cool technical gadget or explosive device - Toss it away, and take cover.

4. Your roommate texts you if you can leave the door unlocked for them because they are coming home late, and you inform them that that would be unwise, they may see some Bond action themselves if they wake you from sleep and you've left the door unlocked.

3. You sign off said text  simply as M.

2. You boot up your computer and as you write a blog, you listen to the amazing vocals of Adelle singing Skyfall, and you have the urge to do one of those roll things and then pop up with your fingers pointed like a fake gun.  You also think how you should someday don a spy type outfit and skate to this song.

1.You end the night by listening to a medley of James Bond movie theme songs on YouTube.


yup, probably best not to startle me tonight in any way. 
  thanks,
M

Lessons in the Benefits of Self-Care

So, apart from my dreams and nightmares, one thing we spent sometime talking about yesterday at Counseling it the need for self care. Today I tried to take care of that. Its my goal for the week in fact ,maybe even my homework. 
  
In the past months, but especially the past month I haven't done so well at this. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I have battled injury after injury and when I can't go run or skate, I tend to just give up. Having buckets of Halloween candy lying around the house didn't help either, nor the fact that I just couldn't stand up long enough to really cook. The swelling in my ankle has gone down considerably, so I was thinking of going skating Saturday till I realized, its still a little swollen and a little sore and that would be incredibly stupid of me. 

 But, I did start exercising again, in moderation. I am limiting myself to what I can reasonably do without causing greater injury, but I have to do some sort of physical exercise or I start to feel  horrible about myself. I also am giving away all my candy tomorrow to one of my co workers. I don't want it, and if its here, I will eat it because it is here. I have got fruit, veggies, home cooked lunch,  and green smoothies. For a few weeks I went crazy eating tons of sugar and meat. This causes me to gain weight and feel horrible really really quickly, so I am going pescitarian again, and I am sticking to my two meal a week meat exception - for poultry only.  None of my clothes are fitting, and there is no reason for them to not, if I don't eat junk all the time.       

In addition to eating right, and exercising correctly, I cleaned my house. I have to have cleanliness and order at home or I feel like my life is out of control. I looked at my bank account. Knowing where I am with my finances also helps me not to stress as much about them.  I also spent a little time working on music stuff , and watching Merlin- because I need some fun, Playing with my dog, and finally a bit of journaling. Oh and I finally made sure to read my scriptures this morning. I skipped two days and I felt it.  So now I feel balanced, I'm gonna take a shower, and work on the final piece of my puzzle off self-care, and my biggest struggle- SLEEP.  new rule. computer off at ten. Maybe I  will go to bed earlier, maybe I wont, but at least I'll have a fighting chance of success at it. 

I already feel so much better about myself just for doing these little things. Seriously- I spent 12 minutes working out, and it helped. and I was careful not to stress my ankle. I made a healthy and taste dinner and felt good after I ate it.  I am already seeing why taking care of myself is so important. Well, fifteen minutes to computer out time, So goodnight all.

Reavers at Counseling

So, Today was a very very interesting day.  

Wait, wait, back up.  

So Monday was a very very interesting day.  I worked an hour late and then I prepared to work from home Tuesday. I was carrying my rolly, and its kind of heavy, and I was super tired, so I forgot that the buses switch places an hour later than my normal run, so I got on the bus to Suqualmish instead of Poulsbo. 
  I didn't realize I was on the wrong bus until ( in complete darkness) I got off the bus in totally unfamiliar territory.  Luckily I read the park and ride sign and figured it out and  used the phone a friend option.  In addition, at this same time I got a call from my Counselor that he needed to reschedule my appointment permanently to a new day. Usually we meet on Tuesday, but he just moved to a new building this week, so we would need to change it to Wednesday if possible because the new place his scheduling wont include Tuesdays. He shares an office.  
  Any way, so I was a complete mess at this point because everything seemed to be going wrong. I made a few phone calls and straightened everything out, and then I called my friend I was going to have Family Home Evening with to cancel because I was emotionally exhausted. Instead I got her boyfriend promising me free food, and that my friend was fixing everyone's bad days, so if I just came over it would all be good. He did not lie, and I am happy I went.....
       Now on to today.

So, Today was a very very interesting day. I only went to one wrong building when trying to find my new place for counseling. Slightly disoriented me I think, because I couldn't remember anything I  had wanted to talk about by the time I got there. So we randomly hit on things that happened over the last week, until it came up about my strange and intense dreams, nightmares and other stuff I've had through out my life. Usually more frequent with stress and a lack of sleep.   
    One of my other friends experiences something similar called Hypnagogic hallucinations. There are also Hypnopompic hallucinations that happen right as you are transitioning to waking up. I believe the later is what happens with me, but we aren't really sure yet. So today at therapy we spent most the time talking about these crazy between being in a dream and being awake things I have. 

 And this is where my counselors knowledge of Firefly/ Serenity  came in handy.  "have you seen Firefly? do you know what Reavers are?" I started..  He did. "well, one time dreamed they were coming out of my wall, and I was awake but not awake, and I thought it was real until I woke up completely and then walked over (terrified) and turned on the light."  I have no doubt that this will take some more hours to figure out. Especially since I couldn't remember the word of what my friend told me these dream/ hallucinations are until after counseling when I texted to ask her.  
  Apart from one really vivid crazy  but not really scary one of these dream things  (no reavers this time)  I had  last week, I haven't had them since last February when I was having pretty extreme troubles sleeping, so hopefully it doesn't start up again, or we can figure it out so I don't have to deal with them.  But you never know when a knowledge of Firefly will come in handy, so watch and make sure you are well versed no matter your profession.

I know I am getting stressed right now because, well I got on the wrong bus Monday, but today I  missed my exit on the way home. My brain is disconnecting right now, which happens when I get stressed, I forget everything, I just go straight to auto pilot. Saturday I forgot super Saturday and i have been looking forward to it  for a while.  The dream last week, My eating habits, everything is pointing to me needing to handle some stress a little better. Well, I am aware at least, so that's a start.   Hello, My name is Mandi and I am slightly stressed out right now, and you would be too if Reavers showed up at your counseling session.

Of Politics, College Football And the 5th of November

  Slowly over the past weeks, a recognition of a highly annoying, but I think true, concept has dawned on me.  There are a great too many similarities between how people treat political issues and elections, and how they treat, cheer for, and participate in college football/basketball games. 
  I am going to keep this short, because honestly I have had enough politics for a life time (this coming from a Poly Sci minor,) but this election, and some political debates before hand ( cough cough Chik-Fil-A)  have become so much an us vs them mentality that it absolutely drives me nuts. The number of people who are voting for this person or that person just because  "all good people are Democrats and everyone else is a stupid head" or  "all good people are Republicans and everyone else is a do do face"  is just about enough to make us independents insane.  Honestly all the Facebook posting about how evil and horrible this or that candidate or issue is have just about driven me up a wall. 
  The fact that we had to preface this with people telling me that I had to either eat a chicken sandwich or avoid eating a chicken sandwich at a specific restaurant or I was a horrible person have me just about ready to blow a gasket.   You people line up sporting your red and blue like its BYU vs the Uof U and you just have to prove that your team is heaven sent that the other one is of the devil.  The country is mapped out this way, it flashes on TV, in news papers. People count down on their facebook, to the moment either their team wins or our country suddenly spirals to hell and fails to exist.  
   well, since we are talking colors, our flag colors are red, white and blue. If we are all taking sides, and picking teams, I pick team white. I call for a truce.  Cant we all just get along? Agree to disagree? have our opinions but be willing to objectively look at things from other peoples perspectives without automatically judging them as evil horrible villains? This is not a college football game folks, this is the running of our country, and if we don't bring it together, we ain't never gonna get nothing done.   
  Today is Guy Fawkes day in  parts of the world. As I think of the historical aspects of that day remembered, the day before we vote for a lot of important things,  I just want everyone to take a second and realize  Its not worth getting all crazy and driving each other crazy. No need to go figuratively (or literally) blowing things up. Yes, these are important decisions we are making, but Rome was not built, nor did it fall in a day, neither will we.  
 No need to go all  panic attack here lets take a moment, step back, and see if we can't catch a glimpse of a bigger picture, and maybe come together a bit more.  Maybe we can see it less as an us vs them competition as more of an us vs us competition and try to find the middle ground where we can all be a little more happy and a little less at each others throats and in each others FaceBook about things?  
 OK wishful thinking, like me saying this would be a short post.  All I am saying is, can we please treat this and future elections, issues, life and our country a little bit less like a college football game where the winners just rub it in the losers face and try to rub it in as much as possible? can we maybe see how we are all just people with different ideas but the same goal- to have a greater place to live and raise our families?  I don't know that that's possible, but I will say, its my dream.  probably wont happen, so I am going to go to sleep now.  Go vote. Vote for what is best for you, for your family, for your country, whatever you determine that to be, and please quit telling me about it on Facebook. I've already voted. I don't care  who wins tomorrow, I voted for what I though best, I hope you do the same. Que Sera Sera. 

Russian Eyes and Some Awkward Dancing

Last night, I went to what was probably my last YSA dance. I have less than three months left till I turn 31, and therefore a pumpkin, I mean a MSA - Mid Single Adult.  So, Going to the YSA dance last night, I was hesitant. Especially since I heard most of the guys are about 19 years old. yeah, I've waited for a missionary once already, thank you, NOT DOING THAT AGAIN!! 
 Any way, I also had a sprained ankle, so I knew I would have to sit out most of the dancing. Thankfully they played some disco songs that allowed me to dance without moving my feet much. I decided to go because a lot of my friends would be there, and I miss them. Plus, I am becoming socially awkward again, so I need to interact with people. 
 I went to this dance with no pressure to do anything but love my time with my friends and enjoy myself. I can't dance, because of my ankle, so I didn't have to enter the "most outrageous dancer" competition. The men were mostly too young, so I wasn't looking for their attention either.  The only real stress I had was to come up with a costume. Rock Star. DONE.  that was easy, leather jacket, shiny pants, dramatic make up, spiky hair, and punkish jewelry, and some glittery finger nails. done, done and done. 
 So, with my only expectations being to enjoy myself and hang out with my long lost friends, I was rather surprised  to leave the dance "meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a (handsome man) can bestow."  How did I happen to meet with these fine eyes? From whence did they come? To whom do they belong? 
   Sometimes I am very surprised to come across very very hansom and attractive men that seem equally interested in me. There are a lot of toads out there, and that pair of fine eyes was very refreshing and invigorating.  I saw him on the couch in the foyer of the church as I entered, but I had no thought of meeting him, though he was good looking.
  Twenty minutes later Sister La Mar, a councilor in the bishopric's wife, and   a very good friend of mine was leading this very very handsome man my direction. "He was born in Russia, and grew up here in the states, I thought you two should meet"  She said as she introduced me to the fine pair of Russian eyes.  
  We talked a bit, and then we were interrupted and I lost him for most of the rest of the night, but I couldn't get him out of my head. there was just something intriguing about him, and I so longed to talk to him again. Awkward moment, they switched it up and asked the girls to all find guys and ask them to dance a slow song. I determined to find my Russian, but alas, some other girl beat me to it.  
 Finally, it was time for me to leave and go home. No opportunities had presented themselves, and I was kind of sad. I said good bye to all my friends and then I saw him, sitting by the La Mars. eh ha ha, a chance, I shall say goodbye to the La Mars and some how give him my number. 
  I said good bye to the La Mars, he was just a chair over, I turned to him. I said "It was a pleasure to meet you" We had a short, but awkward conversation where it seemed clear we were both trying to figure out what to do, how to meet again, but how to not make it awkward.  Finally I said, "Do you have your phone? I'd like to give you my number." 
  What I was actually thinking and held my tongue and avoided saying was "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, your born in Russia, now in the navy, Here's my number, call me maybe?"  yeah, we've all had enough of that song, so I used my better judgment and didn't say that. 
   He talked about wanting to do something next week, but I don't know if he completely realized that he didn't give me his number, because he wanted me to get a hold of him with my schedule, which I reminded him, that he would have to at least text me so I  could get his number if anything is to happen.  
 I don't know if he will contact me or not. If he doesn't I will be sad. But, for now I have the memory of a pair of fine Russian eyes warming my soul.  Happy Halloween everyone.

My Halloween Identity Crisis- WHAT AM I GOING TO BE?!!!

Today I am having a bit of an identity crisis!! Usually for Halloween I have twenty different costumes lined up as to what I want to be. This year I have plenty of options, but I don't want to be anything!!! I have worked so hard to be completely comfortable in my own skin , that I don't want any masks, I don't want to pretend to be anything, I just want to be me. But I have a dance tonight, which I will mainly be sitting by the wall thanks to my ankle, but  I MUST HAVE A COSTUME!!! I don't know what to be!!!  such a dilemma, I don't know what to do. 

 Also, I think I have been spending too much time alone. I went to a bridle shower with friends today, and I felt extremely socially awkward, because all I do is work on stuff with counseling, and watch movies on Netflix. My social life needs a help. It was fun. I am still hilarious, and that was good to know, but I am loosing my talking to people skills.  What a weird Halloween.

Halloween Movies, My List For Wimps Like Me

When it gets close to Halloween time, I have to watch Halloween type movies, but I am a bit of a wimp. I have made a list of the movies I like to watch every Halloween if possible, to get in the spirit. I also made a list of things I've seen once and hated and never want to see again. Too Scary,  or too stupid. Its a short list, because if its scary, I probably wont watch it. But here are my picks for other wimps like me

My Favorites:
1. The Ghost and Mr Chicken
2. Les Diaboliques- 1950's french movie, awesome and suspenseful
3. Hocus Pocus
4. The Halloween Tree
5. Clue
6. Little Shop of Horrors 
7. Into The Woods
8. Ernest Scared Stupid
9. The Burbs
10. Shawn of The Dead (my one and only zombie movie)
11. The Adams Family 
12. Casper
13. Ghostbutsters
14. Harry Potter- Hallowen I just have to watch Harry Potter. 
15. Signs.  I love it. It was suspenseful, and I love corn mazes, so it kind of relates.
16. The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. 
17. Edward Scissor Hands
18. The Nightmare Before Christmas. (originally I hated this, changed my mind)
19.  Secret Window- So TWISTED!!!! I love the ending. 
20. A Beautiful mind- nothing scarier than not knowing if what you think is real isn't.
21. The Goonies
22. A Smokey Mountain Christmas- it has a witch in it. it scares me a bit, it counts.


I also just watched Radioland Murders, it was a fun murder mystery, its OK. Also, I vaguely remember Beetle juice. Was it a good movie? I don't know, so its a maybe because I may have liked it as a kid, but I don't know why.

Halloween movies I hate!!

1.Elvira - I watched this recently because I remember it was popular when I was growing up in the 80's. I have no Idea why. 
2. The Shinning- I am still terrified of Jack Nickleson's eye brows, and red rum. 
3. Dracula Dead and Loving it- I feel dumber for having watched this
4. The skeleton Keys- I love this one, except it terrifies me, so I hate it. 
5. Chronicle- I don't think this was meant to be scary, but super hero kid gone wrong is terrifying to me, and the end was dreadfully sad. 

Anything scarier than the favorites list is too scary for me, but based on my two lists, I bet you could tell me some new movies I would like. I don't like zombie movies FYI. Shawn Of the Dead is the only exception, because its a comedy, and its British-y and its got Simon Pegg, and  Penelope Wilton. I just love her voice.  I always think "Harriet Jones, Prime Minister" and smile.

Falling in the Gutter

I have notoriously horrible problems with rolling, spraining, and twisting my ankles.  At the moment, I am sitting with my foot elevated, ice pack on one side, skinned knee on the other, a bruised and kankled ankle hurting, but no longer throbbing. Its better than it was yesterday, but I still can't really walk very far on it, and I am horribly unstable. I'd be worried, except I've done this so many times, I can tell that by tomorrow it should be OK again if I stay off it today.  Yesterday, I fell in the gutter.  I was taking some copy paper boxes to my friend, she picked me up in Bainbridge when I got off the ferry. Bainbridge has this weird double curb thing going on, its a curb with a half step in it. Quit honestly, its a dangerous idea.  I stepped off the curb, but not all the way because I didn't realize it was a double curb, and then I went down.  I went down and I knew I wasn't getting up, not quickly.  
    Well, of course I posted this trauma on facebook when I got home, I could barley walk, I had to tell the world. As I did so, I got this response from Mindy, one of my former roommates:
"Aw, Mandi! You fell in the gutter again???" 
I believe that this response merits an explanation to the rest of you, who are now thinking, jeez, she must fall in the gutter often. Well, yeah, I kinda do.

   The first really memorable sprained ankle for me came in my 9th grade year at Syracuse Jr High, in Northern Utah. My ward Young Women's church basket ball team had just finished a killer season in our stake and had moved on up through the regional tournament. We were amazing, when we played as a team. I believe it was the semi-final round we were playing in that night, and I wanted to win. 
  Earlier in the day, at Jr High, we were playing basketball, and I wanted to get some good practice in, so I of course over did it and stepped wrong and sprained my ankle pretty good. My mom took me to the doctor after school and I asked if he thought I could play that night. He told me it was my choice, if I wanted to and thought I could, then I could, but it would hurt. 
  We wrapped my swollen ankle and shoved it in a shoe, and I played. I played horribly. I couldn't run, and it hurt like heck, and then I fell and twisted my  other ankle. My mom, who was our coach, benched me. I was pissed. I kept trying to get back in the game right up until she threatened me that if I didn't sit down and shut up I would no longer be figure skating. I sat down and shut up. We lost the game. 
  
The next year I had a doozie of a sprain while in a foreign country. I went with a bunch of French people to Germany for a weekend. It was the town Fest of Wald Michaelbach, some small village in the west of Germany by Frankfurt.  We were in a hall, and everyone but me and my french friend that hated alcohol were getting terribly drunk, so it was incredibly  ironic when I was the one to step wrong going down the stairs and severely sprain my ankle.  Now, I didn't have travel insurance and my friend and her family were freaking out about taking me to the doctor. 
  
 "Oh no," I said "this is nothing to go to the doctor for, I do this all the time. I just need to RICE. REST ICE Compress, and Elevate."  You would be surprised at how hard it is to find some ice in Germany apparently, because we couldn't find any. After hours of searching it was discovered some brilliant Frenchie decided to freeze a bottle of spring water. Voila, stuck it on my foot, stuck my foot on a pillow so it was elevated, and tried to sleep. But, before that, I decided to hobble around the cobble stone streets lined with drunk people so I could be in pain while pretending to have fun and enjoy my night in Germany. 

I have had many sprains since, but those are the most memorable, right up until last January when I was sick, got up to get water because I was dehydrated, tripped on my shoes in the dark, and sprained my ankle. Since I was dehydrated, I hobbled on to the kitchen any way, and then I preceded to feel like I was going to black out from the pain of standing on that foot. somehow I made it to the couch and then I did black out for a second. It was kind of scary, so I didn't forget that one. 

Now we come to the moment I fell in the gutter. It was 2001, I was at Snow College, and I was writing a missionary that I one day hoped to marry. I was taking a courtship and  marriage class and the professor had a saying "falling in love is like falling in the gutter. You don't fall in love, you grow in love. You fall in lust, you fall in the gutter."  Too true professor.  I got a letter from my missionary and I was in a haze of absolute twiterpation as I floated to class on cloud nine, right until that moment I literally came crashing down and fell into the gutter, sprained ankle, tears, crying and all. Yeah, that missionary didn't work out so well, guess we know why.  I RICEd my ankle, then I later RICEd my heart. 

 So yesterday, as soon as I started coming down off the curb I knew what was coming.  When my friend offered to help me up, I asked her to put the boxes in the trunk and leave me on the ground for a second. It was going to hurt to stand, but I was going to do it on my own. I summoned the courage, I stood, it hurt a lot, I cried. I hobbled two feet to the car, and then I sat down and thought, "oh boy, I've fallen in the gutter again, Mindy would get a kick out of that."  I cried some more,  calmed my self.  I do do this all the time you know. and in the past year I think I have fallen in the gutter in that figurative sense a time or two too. But I always pick myself up, hobble home, and RICE. Hearts and ankles  both heal, You just need to RICE. 

Its Green, But What Else Is About It?

 This week, a strange quote from one of my favorite YouTube videos has been popping in my head. If any of you have seen Kid History, you will probably know this, if not, check it out.. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh0NLQJfAYU

So, in this episode of Kid History, the mom is pushing off healthy eating and green smoothies off on her kids. Some of the kids handle it well, some think its "dross" The part that has stuck with me all week, is when one of the Roberts boys  is handed a green smoothie, and looks and and says "I know its green, but what else is about it?"

In terms of my life, I am a green smoothie. I know a lot about myself. I am a Mormon, I am a woman, I am an American, I am a figure skater, I am single.  there are lots of obvious things about me, but like a green smoothie, you can't tell "What else is about (me)" until you take a big swig.  If its anything like one of my green smoothies, you can taste the subtle flavors of spinach and kale right along side strawberries and banana. 

The past month has been about me getting to know and understand myself much better. This week, as I explored some of my issues, and some obvious things about me I took a moment and said, OK, I know that about myself, but that isn't everything. What else is about me? or what else is there about this or that aspect of me?  or more specifically an example: I am a figure skater, but what else is there about that? I'm a good jumper, I am a hard worker, I am determined, I love the ice, the smell of it, the cool crispness contrast with the warmth of working. I love the feeling of flying when I jump, the glide of my skate pushing against the ice, and the burn in my legs, I love that for a moment I can put on a piece of music and skate what I feel,  put a song into a motion that creates beauty that everyone can see and feel. There is a lot else about it,but that's probably good enough for an example. 

The other quote that has run through my head for the past month or so, comes from the movie What a Girl Wants, with Amanda Bynes- I really like Amanda Bynes movies. Any way, she is with this super hot British guy on a boat, and wants to learn the ways of her upper class family, so he offers to help a bit by teaching her to balance in a boat. She falls out, he falls out, they get back in the boat and he looks her in the eyes and asked her a question that I think we should all ask ourselves at some point in life- "Why are you trying so hard to fit in, when you are born to stand out?"    
    I think we are all born to stand out, I think we all have that "what else" about us, and I think when we really start to look for and recognize and build off of those things, off of who we are and all we can be, when we quit trying to blend in, and take a risk at showing  our abilities, we do stand out, and can lift others. 
   I saw a good example of this in a post my friend put on FB of a UK X Factor contestant, Christopher Maloney, that had major nerves, he was 34, and had never sung in front of a crowd, but he had an amazing voice  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1T9-I3wx8I    I cried when I heard him sing. It was amazing. 


So lesson of the week, You may be "Green" but don't forget to ask "what else is about (you)" and when you figure it out, don't be afraid to stand out as you are meant to. 

One Pretty Amazing Weekend....

You know, I think its rare that I reach the end of a weekend and feel at peace, and ready to go back to work on Monday. Don't get me wrong, I am not anxious to get up at a quarter to five in the morning, but I feel like my life is in order, and I can handle a Monday tomorrow.  Why? Well, I had one pretty amazing weekend, let me tell you about it.

  Friday night I came home and just chilled, by myself and watched movies. I don't want to do that every weekend, but it was nice for once just to not have anything to do. I just sat in my room with my dog and watched Gordon Ramsey's F Word, and Project Runway. Congratulations Dimitry S. on the win!! Where can I buy your clothes? and Melissa's? because those were the two designs I wanted to wear. Actually, I would also Like Chris' distressed leather jacket as well. I think Fabio is amazing, but his clothes are not my style.  
  Saturday I woke up, and I don't know, I guess I got bit by the cleaning bug or something, but I cleaned the whole house. My room is spotless, by bedding is all nice and clean and fluffy, the floors are vacuumed in the whole house, I reorganized our kitchen. I feel pretty good about that. I still need to clean the fridge, but everything else was deep cleaned and re structured and I think both I and my roommate are a lot happier because of it. Thanks to Pintrest, I also home cleaned the living room carpets. It worked well, looks nice and smells awesome. So my house is clean, all my laundry is done and everything is in order. I did not clean the bathroom, but my roommate did. So, Clean house= awesome.  

That was Saturday morning. I was going to go skating, but Thursday I ran further than I should have, and I had to give my foot the weekend off so it could recover. Now it has, so tomorrow I will be working out again.  Saturday afternoon, I went with a friend of mine to the temple. Its kind of cool because we've both, over the past month, opened up to each other about a lot of things, and its great because I have a lot of things I need to talk about that are super awkward for me, and I need a friend I can trust and that can listen. Its also cool because we have such different problems but they still produce similar feelings so as she talks about what she is going through, we can relate to each other even though its not the same thing, and we just understand different life viewpoints so much more clearly.   

 The most amazing thing though, and the thing I needed the most  happened when I walked into the Temple Saturday evening. I am going through a lot emotionally right now, as I haven't hid, I am going to counseling and I am dealing with a lot of personal trials that I have carried around and ran away from for most of my 30 years on this Earth. Since I have started dealing with these things, I need safe harbors, I need places I can go and just feel completely loved and accepted for me, and I need to know I am accomplishing something, because this process is going so much longer and slower than I would like. I sometimes think that with the amount of work I have put into working on things, I should be done with dealing with things by now ,but I still have a lot of work to do. That can be discouraging. I have been praying for the past couple of days that I can just feel that love that I need to, to have the extra strength and to fill the void that I am beginning to recognize.  
  As I walked into the temple I was so overwhelmed with a feeling of love, peace, and acceptance. I knew and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father, and Jesus know, they understand me, and they love and accept me. I know that they are pleased with my decisions, and with all the work I am doing. I felt that so strongly in the temple, that I could barley hold back the tears. It was far better than the best hug I have ever received. For that moment,  and since I know belong to a family to Gods family, I know I fit in with that family, and I know someone has my back and is watching out for me. 
  Not to take away from my earthly family, and my many wonderful friends who are there for me and love me and do so much for me, I know you guys do, But it was so much what I needed because God can always be there for me, and my friends and family cant. God can understand me perfectly, when I don't even understand myself. And that is a really great thing.  I need both, and I am grateful for all the love I receive. In fact, FYI, I can really use hugs right now, so If you see me, feel free to just give me a hug. Unless its at work. that would be slightly awkward. I would turn red. 
   Any way, that said, on to Sunday. Today Rocked!!! I woke up from a really weird pirate dream I had(likely from eating a burrito at 3am) and decided to write a short story based on it for my friends online magazine http://underneaththejunipertreemag.com/ . It was an Awesome story, so I hope it makes the cut, but if not, I already have one that should be in there soon.

  Also, I am a culinary genius. Once again I cooked meals for me and my roommate that could have belonged in a really fancy and expensive restaurant. I am an amazing cook, and I am a foodie, so I love cooking, I love food, and I love when it turns out and the flavors are there and the presentation is spot on. I also went to ward and stake choir (which was soulfully awesome and totally Atypical) today, so my vocal chords are also happy.  Well, there you have it, my pretty amazing weekend. hope you had a good one too.

I Put On My Shiny Pants and Then....We Became a Band, and I Am A Rock Star!!!

Ok,  so today I came home from work exhausted and stressed out. So I worked out, I ate healthy, and then it was time to put on my shiny pants, grab my guitar and head to my friends house for our "Band Practice" by   band practice, what I mean is that usually Ali plays her songs and I listen and say how I like it, and then we try to write a song together, get half way through and then the next week we forgot what we did and start over.
  Today was different. Today I had my shiny pants on, I was a rock star. Seriously, I bought these jeans a few months ago, they are skinny jeans that have a shimmer to them. They almost look leather. Almost. They are so rock star. So when I wear them, I think, Hey now, Im a rock star! and then I get my game on and go play. No joke.
  Because today was the most productive band practice for me that I have had in months. That could be that I am reaching a point in my counciling where I am finally starting to deal with some of my issues and get them under control, and also I am no longer feeling depressed and moapy.  Since band practice is the day after counciling, its been the hardest day to concentrate on things for a monthish.  I am usually emotionally drained on Wednesday, and my music is totally emotional. I can't play well if I aint feeling it. Today, I felt it.
  We didn't write anything new, or attempt to. I busted out my old stuff Ali had never heard and I played it like there was no tomorrow. Then Ali played a few. Ali is my band mate. Our band is called Naomi's Bandits. We were talking about a farewell concert because she might move. I think we should do it any way.
  Any way, I have never really taught anyone to play any of my songs, and neither  has Ali. so Ali has her songs, and I have my songs, and we have our unfinished songs that we've written together , but tonight I think we finally became a band.
  Because I finally taught Ali how to play one of my songs, one of her favorites of my songs, and we played and sung together, and then she harmonized, and it was magic, it was like- Wow!! finally after all these practices we are actually playing together like a band. She totally rocked it!!  I think its the shiny pants, and she was wearing a hoody which is so gangsta, so it totally rocked. Or it could be that this one song was my one song that swears and we were just having fun singing such and angry song.  Any away, yeah, Naomi's Bandits. When we find a place to play our first gig, we will be coming to a stage near you.  Rock on. NIGHT!!!      PS spell check is broken. and I am a horrible speller. Sorry for the errors, but I am not going to try to fix this without help.

What is Fast Sunday? MFAQ

MFAQ- Mormon Frequently Asked Questions


Today I have decided to tell you what Fast Sunday means for Mormons.   

When I was a kid, I always thought Fast Sunday meant that it was supposed to go faster, that church would be over quicker. But the opposite seemed to be true. So what is Fast Sunday anyway?

For members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Fast Sunday is usually the first Sunday of the month (except for special occasions like General Conference, or Stake Conference that move it to a different Sunday like this month). 

On Fast Sunday, Members of the church who are able  observe a two meal or twenty four hour Fast, abstaining from all food or drink during this period. 

Generally, we start our fast with a prayer. Most people will fast for a purpose- to find a job, to have help for a sick friend or family member, to gain greater understanding of this or that principle.. etc.  The purposes of fasting  are to spiritually bring us closer to God, and closer together as a ward or church. Sometimes special fasts are done that aren't on fast Sunday for individuals, families and communities that feel a special need.  A family may choose to do a special fast on Fast Sunday for a sick family member, or an entire ward (congregation) may do a special fast for one of its members, or for missionary work, etc. This brings people together in a united purpose and builds extra faith and prayers in behalf of that person or cause.

 The money that would have been spent on those meals is donated by individuals and families through the churches contributions system which goes to the Bishops of the wards to distribute that money to families in the ward that are in need of extra help financially.   So by abstaining from food and then donating money that would have been spent, we can help those in need, help the hungry, and gain some empathy by choosing to be hungry for a little while ourselves. 
  Another part of Fast Sunday is what is called Fast and Testimony meeting. Normal Sundays we have a Sacrament meeting that consists of taking the Sacrament (communion) followed by Talks from the general ward congregation as assigned by the Bishop  or his councilors on a specific subject. On fast Sundays, after we receive the Sacrament,  the Bishop or one of his councilors start off the meeting by sharing their testimonies of Jesus Christ, and other gospel subjects, and then they open the floor to anyone who would like to share their testimonies. 

 This means anyone who wants to can get up to the pulpit during the allotted time and share their feelings and thoughts about Jesus Christ, the atonement, the Book of Mormon, the Bible, etc.  People will tell family stories about the way that they have felt Gods love, or seen his influence during the week. This is more or less  Fast and Testimony meeting.   

Any further questions about this or MFAQ that you would like answered, please post in comments. thanks

Top Eight Time Wasting Sunday Morning Activities

Well, Its Sunday morning. I should hop in the shower right now, as I have choir practice at noon, and a roommate that generally wants the shower the same time I want the shower- 20 min before I have to leave. But its fast Sunday, (I explain this in my MFAQ blog) so I don't have to cook or eat anything so that means I can in fact wait to the last second.  So here are the top Eight things I am doing this morning to avoid taking a shower.

1) Playing Chefville on Facebook. Its a completely pointless game that just reminds me that I'd like to go cook and eat breakfast, so really its a form of torture

2) Writing interesting Blogs for you to read here. Yes, this means there will be multiple posts today

3)Watching Priesthood session of General Conference. Yeah, Its important to know what they told the guys, so its completely legit for me to not get ready for church today because I am listening to conference.

4) Writing posts about absolutely nothing, doing absolutely nothing and eating absolutely nothing on Facebook. because talking about wasting time is a great way to waste time

5) Playing song Pop on FB. Song pop is a great game because it increases my musical knowledge

6) Staring off into space for minutes at a time considering going back to sleep

7) listening to the melodic rhythms and occasional sleep barking of my cute fuzzy little dog

8) researching possible job opportunities in a way that makes it so I think I am being productive, when in fact I know I will not find what I am looking for where I am looking.


yeah, that's pretty much all I can think of to do. I think I can write one more blog, then I will have to go shower.

Time Vortex

As I sit here procrastinating doing anything I have to wonder, has my mind been sucked into some sort of a time vortex black hole? How many hours have I been staring at my computer wondering what it is I should be doing, I want to do? I dont know. I know there is a bunch of things, like going to the store, cooking, eating, walking with my dog, practicing music, peeing. 

  yeah, Peeing. It took me a half hour (I think, I actually dont know, I lost all concept of time) of sitting here thinking, man, I really have to pee, before I actually decided to get up and go to the bathroom. Now its eating, shopping, I am sure there is some yard work I can do. Its Saturday, I dont want to do anything. I dont even want to get up to eat. But I am SO HUNGRY!!!  order a pizza? no, then I have to get up to answer the door. Some days I am just lazy like that. Its incurable, I swear. Well, I think I have wasted an undermind amount of time writing this blog about nothing. I am really hungry. maybe after five more times playing games on fb I will get up and do something about it. I bet I am the only person on the planet that ever does this too. 

Um, I should go exercise now, I feel incredibly lazy.

Singled Out- Attention: Big Elephant in the Room

Something happened earlier this week that I just have to blog about, first because it involves me being single, and second because it applies to everyone.
  So Tuesday on my way from counseling, I noticed I had a voice mail. I listened. It was from the Relief  Society Presidency second councilor reminding me that there was an activity that night, and that there would be free food.  I had no idea what the activity would be, nor did I care- SHE SAID FREE FOOD!!!   My old college instincts kicked in and nothing else mattered. I went and got to sit by one of my new ward buddies the whole time. 
  It was a blast talking to all the sisters and socializing. I love Relief Society meetings. Then it was time for our  lesson/activity part. The lesson was on Continuing Courtship After Marriage.  Part of what I have been going to counseling for is working on my current issues with courtship and relationships in general, so even though I am not married I thought "oh great, I can so apply this to the future when I am less of a hot mess and  am dating/marrying/ continuing to court my future super hot and talented husband" (which I drew a picture of for my friend during the lesson)
  However, as the lesson began things got slightly awkward. I do not fault the lesson giver for this, I am a firm believer that awkwardness makes us stronger and more comfortable with the truth of who we are- eventually.  I confirmed this theory as a missionary, and then a return missionary, because its pretty hard to make me feel awkward after 19 months of telling complete strangers in a language I slaughtered frequently that I wanted to tell them about a really important book and a 14 yr old boy that saw God.  Any way, back to the RS activity. 
  What made this most awkward was that to start the lesson she had each sister introduce herself and her respective marital status. We had two older sisters that were divorced and there for currently single, and everyone else is married. It was a little awkward, but I know I am old and single in a family ward, so that was fine for me.  I felt slightly awkward to be the only one never married and without kids, but again, I am used to this fact now and fine with it. 
  But then the sister teaching the lesson added to awkwardness by pointing to the big 2 ton elephant in the room and said she wanted to know why we single people would choose to come to an activity about courtship after marriage. Valid question. Probably best asked after the lesson so that people don't suddenly feel like maybe they should leave, but again, we all get these situations we feel awkward and completely botch, I've done it, and I don't take it personally when others do too.  
  Here is where the big problem came in for me, she tried to adapt her lesson for married people to try to suit  the three single sisters in the room. That is good, to make small adaptions, but the fact single people were present seemed to completely disrupt her flow and consume the rest of the lesson.  
  I appreciate the effort, but sometimes its best if you just get on mostly as planned and let the spirit tell people how to adapt things for themselves. After the meeting I went to a friends house to watch Downton Abbey. We had a good talk about those awkward elephant in the room moments, and it made me realize, EVERYONE HAS THEM. 
  Maybe you are divorced, maybe you are a stay home mom, maybe you are a working mom, maybe you are single, maybe you are a widow, maybe you are a single mom, maybe you are a return missionary, maybe you are not a return missionary, maybe you are a convert, maybe you are not a convert, maybe you love your husband and everyone is bashing theirs, maybe you bash your husband and everyone else loves theirs, maybe you can't have kids.... the list goes on and on. 
 Point is, we all have individual circumstances and adaptations. We will all feel awkward and alienated at some point in life, in church, in Relief Society. And we will all teach a lesson, make a comment, or give a talk or testimony that makes someone feel uncomfortable. But in the end, it doesn't matter, we are all sisters, we are all daughters of a Heavenly Father that loves us, and as long as we love each other we can take those moments to laugh at the elephant, and then build some bridges of understanding. That's what its all about. 
 I didn't answer her question, so I will now. I came for the food, but if I had remembered what the activity was going to be, I still would have come. The reason I decided to move to a family ward early, rather than going to the YSA ward for the remainder of my 30th year was that I want to learn about marriage and families from people who are experiencing it. 
  How else can I continue to prepare for a marriage I hope one day will come?  How else can I learn to understand most of the women my age who deal daily with children and husbands and that sort of thing that I really don't know much about? I can't. I have to have awkward moments because I have hit that time of life when that is what is around me, and I have to adapt to a new environment. 
  I hope the sisters of the RS wont be upset, offended, or wish they could have my "fun and adventurous" single life when I talk about my experiences, and I hope they wont hesitate to share their experiences.  How else will you ever understand what the single people of the world experience if I don't say?  how will I ever know what you married people go through if you don't say?  we wont, we can't.  Embrace that elephant, learn to love it, and love to learn.