Running away to Netflix land

 I was not feeling well on Sunday or Monday. I stayed home. I felt too horrible to sleep, and too horrible to do anything useful. I was alone and isolated on days I usually am surrounded with people, and quite honestly, life was catching up to me.

 I set some pretty big goals. I work hard, and I am interested in pretty much everything, and I always try to take on way too much at one time. I can never keep up with it because I am human.  When I am in good enough health, I can find physical activities that help me to deal with that stress.  But, after weeks and months of working hard to heal my foot, and day in day out of the same boring exercises, and being denied the opportunity to do my favorite activities- skating, running, jumping, soccer, hockey,  two days of feeling pretty crappy and isolated caught up with me, so I ran away, to the only place I could. Netflix.

 After watching 20 straight hours of Orange is the New Black, I have a lot of opinions on prison reform, life, humanity, people, the ways a mission compares to prison, and the ways its different. I love that that show made me think, but watching that much at once gave me a major headache, and a binge watching problem, of getting attached to fictional characters, and realizing i actually need contact with real people.

 Tuesday when I went back to work, I spent a good portion of the day thinking about binge watching and its effects. I could feel shame about the speed that I often watch shows. I don't.  Usually I am multi-tasking when I am watching things, and its more just back ground noise, and its usually only a little at a time, but going on a major one like that, when you are feeling yucky and want to forget that you are feeling yucky, that catches up to you and makes you feel even more yucky. But I have to complete things, so I slowed down a bit and completed the  series. And now I can let it go and move back on to life.

 But in the process of this, I talked to a lot of my friends about our binge watching habits, and why we do it. Clearly this is a thing, there are even memes about it. I just posted one to my facebook, and I saw a sketch about it on portlandia, and I've seen other friends do this. And hey, If it weren't netflix, or some show, It would have been a book. I read harry potter in 5 days when book 7 came out- and i was working full time. 2 days for the whole hunger games.

 and I know other people face withdrawals from characters, or even rock stars, or Olympians or whatever when these things end and we come back to reality. Who didn't want to follow the Seahawk players on fb and twitter obsessively after our big victory. We all know about me and my curling team after the Olympics.  I was listening to a BBC radio 1 podcast the other day, and I think it was either Greg James, Grimmy, or Scott Mills, but one of them - i think Scott, was talking about how much he missed Katy Perry, because he spent all weekend at the Radio one big weekend, listening to her concerts, and interviewing her.

 after that there was a conversation, a lot of people were like, yeah, I miss it, I miss the stars when a big event like that ends, and then other people talked about how they missed the characters when they finished a book, or a movie, or TV series.  I'll never forget how lost i felt when i finished harry potter, and couldn't have Harry, Ron and Hermione in my life any more.  I started a wizard rock band after that, and wrote songs. I wasn't the only one. Wizard Rock was a thing. a website of fanfics went up- the leaky cauldron- we came together trying to fill the void.

 I think this gets worse the more our society  becomes digitalized, the less we actually interact with each other. We run a way to a fantasy land, where we have friends, that aren't real, but its safe, because we can invest, and feel emotionally invested. We can escape from harsh realities, we can avoid the risk of someone hurting us.  We can run. But you can't hide. eventually things catch up with you. I think I kept hearing that message while i was watching OITNB, Piper, the main character brought up once or twice, that the scary thing about prison was that you had to face yourself, you couldn't run and hide. Well, that's true of anything, you can only run so far, and then you will have to eventually deal with it.

  And I used to think that running was a bad thing, that we should always just face everything, head on and deal with it. And I think that the sooner you do the better, but I think sometimes, life is just too much, and sometimes you have to run, a little, for a little while, to gather the energy to face life and its big scariness.

 Honestly, Ive been feeling pretty lonely lately.  Honestly I've been a little scared to let anyone close to me lately, and yet I need and want to let people in. I miss my brother. I miss my friends. I miss my family.  But I have this deep overwhelming sense that I'm just going to disappoint everyone and let them down. I feel like I either have to tell them what they want to hear, or loose them all. Its completely a lie, and I know that, because there are people who have stuck with me through the most amazing circumstances, but I've also lost a few really big important ones along the way. and one loss seems to counter the weight of a 100 successes.  Why is that?

 And why do I so frequently feel that my choice is to let myself down, or let everyone else down?  like I cant win. because if I do win, I win alone, but if I let everyone else win, I still lose?

 At the end of the day, the madness has to stop. I can't binge watch another day. and quite honestly I don't want to.  I just watched two seasons with 13 hr episodes each in just about two days time. and it wasn't light fluffy stuff, it was a deep thinking thought provoking show. So i don't recommend doing that every day, or even often at all. But quite honestly, I think I needed to do that. because I've come back from that place, with a new perspective, a new respect and appreciation for the freedoms and associations, and relative safety that I enjoy in my life.  I feel a little braver, and a bit more prepared to face what I need to.  I don't know, maybe its an introvert thing. I need to be a lone, but not really alone.  and I need things that will really make me think and see things as I haven't seen them before.  there was merit to my madness. But it was madness. It was.

 I guess what I am saying is, there is a balance, and sometimes the balance goes a bit to extremes, but i think that is not completely without value, when it isn't something that happens all the time. I'm ready for a weeks break from netflix. or amazon, or hulu.  but, I'm glad I have come to appreciate what I do have more. It makes me feel less stressed about my life, and probably a bit more human, because I know I'm not the only one that does this.  And although I have never wanted to go to prison before, I know I really really dont ever want to go to prison now. EVER.  so I guess thats a good thing. Im more determined to be law abiding, and never be framed for anything.

Because IM HAPPY!!!!

 So, I just went to a club where we discussed the Happiness Project,  and on the way home Pharrell Williams song Happy came on the radio. I thought that was pretty awesome.

 So I know a lot of people are getting sick of that song.  Probably people who aren't feeling very happy. I know when I'm not feeling happy, the last thing I want to hear about is usually a song about being happy.  However, I must say, I have  been listening to that song pretty much every day since I first heard it (during the Olympics in February), and I have yet to  have a moment where that song didn't bring a big smile to my face and instantly make me feel much happier.

 After spending an hour discussing the Happiness project and if its important to worry about happiness, and getting the most out of our happiness, and so forth,  I think we all agreed that  happiness is a cycle that feeds and builds off its self, so making sure you are as happy as can be helps you to help others be happier, which in turn helps you to be happier.  That song makes me happier, and when I am happier, I'm gonna help you be happier.

 I have a friend that hates that song. HATES it. one day we were riding in the car together, and it came on, and I love that song, and I knew she hated it, so i told her she could change it, but she saw the smile it had already brought to my face, and she decided that she would endure it because it seemed to make me happier. At the end of the song, she said "that wasn't as bad as I thought, I didn't hate it"

 I probably would have not loved this song so much, if I didn't associate it with the Olympics, thanks to this video of team Great Britain.

Now every time I hear it, this song reminds me of the endless possibilities I have to live my dreams and make great things happen.

It also reminds me of another friend who loves this song, and doesn't ever remember the words. Anytime either of us are having a bad day, we text what we remember of the words and both end up singing and clapping along.

One of the biggest points we all got out of the Happiness project book, was that we are happier when we are ourselves. I'm happiest when I am being Mandi, and not trying to be who everyone thinks , or who I think everyone thinks I should be. Loving a song long after its over play date, because it was featured in a lip sink with Olympic athletes is a very Mandi thing to do.  Writing a blog about how this song playing after book club makes me happy, is also a very Mandi thing to do.  So I feel pretty good about that. I hope it makes you a little happier too.

 What does happiness mean to you?   very important question. There are no wrong answers.

A Lesson Just For Me

 In the past two years I have learned very well what a vulnerability hangover is, and what it does to me. I have not, however found a way to handle it to make it not happen When I open up and share personal stuff, its going to make the next week hard, and all I can do is know that will happen, and that I will get through it and it will be ok, eventually.

Last Tuesdays post left me with a massive vulnerablility hangover. It came on slowly, and then  hit hard. But I am wading through it, till it goes away. Vulnerability hangovers are what happens when you share something very personal, with one person, or with the world. For me what follows is always a dose of self hatred, fear, and a desire to run away or give up, because sharing those really personal parts of yourself with the world is scary, and I always tend to think or fear when I do everyone is going to abandon me, because Im just too weird, or I dont meet their standards or whatever.

 Sometimes, I just feel I dont meet my own standards, and that is much worse. At any rate, thats what happens. So today, I really didn't want to go to church, and once I got there, I wanted to leave, because I was feeling kind of worthless and like a huge I dont know what.  But I made it through sacrament, and the last speaker said something about if you show up, if you come, then we can help you. So, I didn't want to stay, but I thought, fine, I'll stay.

 And Sunday school was a great lesson and all, but again, I just wanted to go home. But again, at the end of the lesson, someone mentioned something and it helped me just that little bit. So I stayed, and a friend was in the hall and took me to relief society.  And waiting for everything to start, I was tired, and I didn't want to be there, and I just wanted to go home.

 And then the lesson was on... well it was on that talk from last conference about all the Olympians, in particular Noelle Pikus-Pace.  And dispite last weeks overwhelming everything that made me loose my focus on "The Dream" as I shall call it, with overwhelming disire to just give up,  that lesson was for me, and it reminded me of  everything that God has taught me from and since the last Olympics. It reminded me that he is in my corner, and that amazing things are going to happen, and that I just need to believe him, trust him, and keep working, and keep being me, even on the days I dont want to be.

 Im not going to recap the lesson, it was great, but It was in fact for me. I stayed, and what I needed to hear was delivered, and that is why I had decided to stay any way. I know God knows and loves me, because today I needed to be reminded of what inspires me, and I was inspired by something at every meeting I went to, even if parts of every meeting were also hard to just stick with.

 God wants me to achieve amazing things. He wants you to, too. and If we just hang in, and trust him as much as we can, he will help us to have the motivation, to take it up a notch and work for the seemingly impossible possibilities in our lives.

A Prayer in Rhyme

 This morning I woke up, ready to conquer the world, but I couldnt get out of bed, my brain started to swirl.
So many thoughts, and emotions I felt, I started to cry,
Why? I couldn't tell.

 Everything was stuck, inside my heart.
 I needed to talk to God, but didn't know how to start.
  I cried a bit more, and I felt what I felt.
 But I couldnt express it, no matter how long I knelt.

 Finally I decided, I could waste time no more.
 I headed to my closet, flung open my drawers.

As the clothes began to fly, into a bin, to go off to some charity
, my soul started openin. it kind of scared me.
It came out with anger, just a tiny bit, tears and pain raged, I grasped for understanding.

All of my words, as I spoke to my God,
rhymed just like this while I was watched by my dog.
No doubt he was perplexed, and I said quite a lot.
Is this a way to talk to God? It seems rather odd.

Then just like a loving, and understanding father,
when he'd given me a moment, he let me fall silent.
I had said my piece, and then he replied...

dont throw a way that tee shirt, you'll miss it sometime.
ok, I said, but sometimes it reminds me of pain.
I dont want to remember this now, I want it out of my brain.

Yeah, but I love you, and it will be just fine.
You are over reacting a little this time.
I know exactly what your feeling, and I want you to know,
I haven't forgotten you, nor left you alone.

I know the last year was rough, and times may still get rougher,
but you are my daughter, I love you like no other.
I am pleased with all the hard things you've done.
I know it was hard, and you just want some fun.
Laughter not tears, joy and no pain.
I know you want all the hurts to just go away.

I can give you peace, and let you know you are loved.
I can help you keep trying, until you're all done.
I can tell you not to give up, when you think you've lost everything
I can lead you to living water, but I can't force you to believe.

Talk to me, anytime, day or night.
Know, you are not alone in this fight.
but I cannot make you get out of your bed.
I can't make you fight for the dreams in your head.
I can just love you and help you along.
But you're going to have to trust me,
and I'll make you strong.

Well,  that was my morning, more or less there.
I woke up thinking I just didnt care.
then I cared too much, and couldn't handle the hurt,
till God reminded me, he knows what Im worth.

So life may not be perfect, probably never will be,
but God so loves and knows me,  He's even willing to rhyme with me.

It may seem kind of cheesy, or even sacralige,
But I like that he knows me enough to give me days just like this. 

Me, and My Digital Friends

In the past month, I've had to purchase a new laptop (second one in six months) and a new phone.

This morning, as I imported the last of my contacts, photos, and music from my old phone to my new phone, I left the empty she'll of what used to be my most constant companion (apart from the Holy Ghost) sitting alone and abandoned on my night stand.

I'll admit I felt a little sad for a moment, and probably will for a little while while I get used to the new phone. I had that phone for two and a half years, it was a trooper. It was my only companion that stayed by my side for my entire trip to Europe, and he was also there when I started stretchy time, got me through long days at work, and pretty much saved me during my three computer less weeks.
But in the end, he is a phone. He lived a pretty full life, and the time has come to let him go. There was far less love lost for the laptop, which lasted only six months, and that I pretty much hated from day one. I mainly just missed the wasted money I had invested in the stupid thing.

But all this talk reminded me of other digital friends, real people, and my digital interactions with them. I'm not going to slagg off Facebook,  it is what you make of it.

One of my strongest, best friendships in the world happened because Facebook allowed me to interact with and come to know and love a visiting teaching assignment that wanted nothing to do with me, my companion or the church at the time.

And I'll be honest, if people don't want to talk to me for visiting teaching, I usually quit trying pretty quickly, but in that instance, I wanted to genuinely be her friend, and slowly, via Facebook we became friends, and then in real life.

So, I won't slagg off facebook. You can have good, genuine high nutrient relationship interactions on facebook, if you use it right. And twitter, and whatever else.

...or, you can fill your life with a lot of empty calorie relationships. I've done both. But, about two years ago, I started a journey to get healthy in every aspect of my life, and just now I'm starting to realize what that means to my digital interactions, as well as real life friendships.

I had a good talk with my therapist lately, about this very subject. I've come to realize that apart from small occasions to keep balanced, because we do need some lower level friendships and interactions, because to not would rob you of future deep relationship possibilities, what I really want out of this stage of life are recovery drink, protein bar, and nutrient rich friendships, and a good variety of them.

I'm no longer at an age where I want millions of friends that are very superficial level friends indeed, I'm no longer at an age where I need or want broad general adoration and acceptance. I am at a point in life where I mainly care about friends that I know will still be friends no matter what time and life and distance try to do.

And speaking of distance, when these friends live far away,  or even are close but busy with children and low on time, but still care and want to be there for you, share pictures and stories with you, etc, that is what Facebook can be used to help enrich lives with.

Far better than those lonely times we pointlessly scroll the news feed, posting randomness, and taking quizzes trying to fill a void that can only be filled by real face to face human interaction.

I guess, ultimately, what I am saying is, there are two kinds of digital friends, the ones that last about six months, and are easily replaced, and the ones that last forever, that go on adventures, that have your back. The ones that make you sad when life seems to pull you appart.

What I am saying is, keep a nutritional balance in your life, and in your relationships with others. Don't fill up on empty calories, find a way to make sure your friends are not just a digital part of your life. If you can't see them face to face, at least remember them in your prayers.

I'll never forget in the MTC, when Elder Scott told us to build relationships with our mission companions strong enough to last through eternity. I'll never forget the advice to stay in touch with the people you teach on your mission. And, I think that same advice can be applied to any friend that has dug deep enough to stay in your memory a decade later. Even if it's a Christmas card once a year, people are not phones to be used and then tossed aside when the newest model comes along.

If anything matters in life, it's people. And, not just family. Family is important,  but we are all part of a much bigger family than we often remember,  God's family, and as the little prince learned, we are forever responsible for those we have created ties with. Seems like a tall order, but remember, by small means, great things are brought to pass.

Remember just one friend today,  digitally, or otherwise. Even if you just think about how much they have meant to you, but even better if you can find a way to let them know. I promise, it will enrich your life, and you won't feel it time wasted. Connect. Remember. Love.

The Univers Is Working Awesomeness In My Behalf

From a sleepless haze, and a horrible ponding headache, my thoughts will now somehow march forward onto this page, to explain the lessons of the past year, some grand complecated monstrosity of a mess, that at first glance looks like the ugly underside of a tangled crossstich.

But in an instant last night, well, about four sleepless hours, the picture came together for me, and i saw its beauty, the dark and hopeless moments side by side with the beautiful bright ones, forming a picture that otherwise would have been uninspiring.

Friendship is an interesting dynamic to life, trust, team work, dreams.  Sometimes we have friends that we think will be forever, but at somepoint you just go your ways, and what mattered so much for an instance, just mattered in the past, and just fades away rather boringly.

Other times there are these impossible friendships, that you werent really sure when you ever wanted them to start, then you find you need them, but everything goes seemingly wrong. The cards seem constantly stacked against it, and you are ready to throw in the towel and some how shards of broken hearts and broken trusts are glued back together in a way that makes it something stronger, more beautiful, and more impossible than ever seemed possible, because its been through everything and still stands, and then you just have to trust no matter the storm or the change, thats the friend that will always be, somehow your friend, against all odds.

Yesterday, my curling team, my inspiration, my motivation to dream, they had a member leave the team, to try other possibilities out.

Its only been four months I knew they existed.  A picture of them from the olympics hangs above my door with the words dream on it to remind me of that inspiration i found from them in february, to remind me to hope, to dream, to go after the impossible, to keep working through the difficult.

I was devistated for a small instant that the team, as it had inspired me, would no longer exist. Yes, team muirhead goes on for another four years toward another olympic dream, but without its lead, with a new lead. Someone i dont trust yet, someone that doesnt inspire me yet, someone i dont know yet. It will be, in many ways, a new team for one change.

And I thought, what do I do with that picture, with that dream now? Do i cut claire out, do I take it down?

And then I read Claire Hamiltons words, on why she was leaving the team, because she was inspired by the Olympics to go a different direction, to dream, maybe in some ways a bit bigger than in past. She thanked her former teamates, and her gratitude for the 3 years they had worked as a team.

Suddenly, it made sense to me, to keep my picture up as is. The team that inspired me will always include clair hamilton. It existed in a moment, and then it changed and moved forward, in a different direction, as all teams, and all friendships eventually do.

It doesnt make the past any less special, nor the future less bright, just different from the present. And I realized, with my own friends how our rolls in eachothers lives change over time.  Some people leave our team, some peolpe just play a different roll in it. Sometimes, you are the one leaving the team, because you just have to move in a different direction, you have to chase a different dream. But that special Olympic moment, nothing, no change, can ever take that away from you. It will always have existed, and been great as it was.

Last year was probably one of the most difficult years of my life. Ive heard it said that our trials are designed specifically for us, to remove all traces of fakeness from us.

I have to say, I feel that is true. I have come out of last year, friendships have come out of last year, my relationship with God has come out of last year, and I feel like thats exactly what last year did, it removed all the fakeness from my life, and left me with realness that can be trusted, because I know impossibly I survived, we survived. And everything is different, because now everything is real, and no fakeness remains.

The universe is working aeesomeness in my behalf. God is working awesomeness in my behalf. I understand that. It may at times seem the opposite, but some how, all these things end up being for our good.

I called my computer dead, and a week later, after I bought a new one, it started working. Ive no idea why I would need two laptops, but apparently I do.

Countless times, there has been a friendship that I called its death, I said it was impossible to survive, and the moment i gave up on it, it started working healthier than ever before, different, but alive and well.

Ive no idea the direction my life will take, but I have a good feeling about it. All these little pieces click together around me, these seemingly random threads and strands of life. They appear at times to make no sense, then, suddenly, another piece of the picture becomes clear, and beautiful, and surprising. And I love that. I love that God is in charge, and he knows what hes doing, and that sometimes he lets me get it, even just a little bit, just for a small second.

Whovian Slumber Pranks

 I currently am blessed to have a friend and her husband staying with me for a night or two.   They, like me, are big fans of Doctor Who.  As her husband was putting their bags in my spare room, he noticed my Israeli Civilian gas mask, which I bought for a Halloween costume this year, to be a "gas mask zombie" from Doctor Who.

 As the husband remarked about this to me, my friend said- just don't put it on and walk out here in the middle of the night.  this led to some great ideas between the two of us, for slumber pranks.

1. Put on gas mask, shuffle out to the living room where they are sleeping, and ask "Are you my mummy?"

she retaliated with, you do that...

2. Draw tally marks on your friends arm in their sleep.

3. Using one of the many phone apps available, play the TARDIS noise and watch your friend run to the window searching for the Doctor.

4. Take an angel statue. Move it every few minutes when your friend isn't looking.

5. change their wi-fi name to show as "┓┏ 凵 =╱⊿┌┬┐"

6. repeat everything they are saying while acting catatonic

7. get a mannequin. have it standing by their bed when they

This is just a start, but sounds like a night of fun to me ;)

God loves me, #lovecurling

Today was, well, rough. From what Ive heard, it was rough for everyone. But, I cant speak for everyone, so this one is about me.

Last night I missed the blood moon/ eclipse because I was exhausted and went to bed earily. Quite honestly, I dont care I missed it, but it did me no good.

I had horrible nightmares about work, and getting yelled at by analysts for messing up on our yearly inventory, which we are currently working on. That is the one thing about my job that makes me want to quit, yearly inventory. Also, between dreaming of getting cussed out at work, i dreamed that my family and friends pretty much all decided they hated me too, and they were quite rude about it.

It was, of course, all just a dream, but i woke up feeling sad, exhausted, and completly gutted. Add to the mix my cell phone is on its last leg, my computer hasnt worked for a week and a half, i have online mid terms i need to take, bills i need to pay (online), and future school/ carrer stuff i need to work on, and of course the ward bulletin. So, my stress level is rising. Dont even get me started on my car, or my achellies tendonitis.

Now, in real life, ive had loads of help from loads of wonderful friends and home teachers, but im still a lot overwhelmed right now. as im sure we all are.

So today on my way into work i checked my twitter, because I now tweet. Follow me @mandigoobs. Any way, i dont really get twitter yet, but im trying. But i do enjoy hearing about my faviorite curling team @teammuirhead. And i knew they were on route to the last gig of the season, and its not televised or on the internet, so i thought id check in to see how they were fairing.  Well, they had a rough day today too.

Their first flight was delayed five hours. Then they had to take seperate flights because the plane was full, and i think they had another hour delay. Then half of them had their bags lost, and part of them flew part  way there then had to drive the rest the way.

I dont know about you, but id feel pretty grumbly about that, and i might not do my best, jet lag, no relax and get in the zone time, prettt much show up exhausted in the nick of time, borrow someone elses clothes and just get through it.

The future sports psychologist in me was facinated with these elite athletes and how they would handle this scenario. Mental toughness, taxed to the max. And curling is as much a mental game as physical, and yes, its physical, dont mock. At that level it is.

Well, im sorry to say for you, team muirhead pulled it together and won their match tonight, increasing my admiratio. For them, so youre going to keep hearing about curling.

But that wasnt all. I was listening to my bbc radio one scott mills podcast, and my favorit curling comentator Jackie Lockhart got a clip from the olympics on inuendo bingo. Hillarious, and made my afternoon. I felt a bit lighter.

And then i got on the bus, and i dont know why, i had news my computer was working, id just laughed, the curling team made it, everything was going well, but i suddenly just got really sad and felt like the biggest looser in town, all my big plans for the future, i knew i can acomplish them, but will I? And for a moment, i just felt like there was no winning, like life will always end up feeling a little empty, and ill dream big and fall short.

And I went home, and watches a few clips on bbc radio ones youtube channel, on my phone while i cooked dinner, in preperation to go get my computer back in working order. And i just thought, its always going to be this roller coaster isnt it? Unstopable incredable dreams and abilities one minute, then a big internal fight with doubt the next.

Well randomly, my youtube on my phone suggested a curling mixed championship for me to watch next. I didnt even know if any of my favorites were in it, but i thought, sure, why not. I want to curle next year, lets see what we see.

The video didnt work, so i selected a different one from the same competition and got to work on my tacos. It didnt seem to work either, then suddenly i heard eve muirheads voice and my mood just lifted. Massive tender mercy for me, and hope and confidence returned instantly. If team muirhead could tough out today, and still win, i could win today too.

So i got in my car, picked up my laptop, that just needed a new keyboard and was working great with external keyboard, and off i went, to go home and work out while watching curling.

After a week and a half with no computer, i had big plans for the second i got home, multi tasking like yoy wouldnt believe. But it was not to be. I had seen it work myself, but when i got home, it just wouldnt. So my friend came over to have another look at it, and to keeo from tantrum mode, i decided to distract myself positively. So I played curling, nagano 1998 n64 style. And I came from massively behind, to win in multiple matches, and ultimately get the bronze medal, further than ive ever got on that game before, twice in the same night.

The computer had to go away for morw looking into and sorting out. None of my stressors have gone away, but, i feel like God taught me a little about my own mental toughness today, so maybe it was worth it. I also learned, or had a reminder of, just how much God loves me and is aware of me. I dont think anyone else would have used so much curling in one day to cheer me up. But God gets me, he knows Im totally geeking out about curling right now, and sports psychology, and he used the lot to both cheer me up and teach me valuable life lessons.

Inspiration can come from all sorts of unthought of places. Take it where you find it, and run with it, do great things, even if they arw just small things done in a great way. And... #lovecurling.

Dont let age stop you

I have to write this on my phone, as, well, I accidently "baptized" my computer, and it wasnt happy about it, so it quit working. Blogging on my phone is super annoying, but, I feel this post is worth it.

Last night I had a rare opportunity to talk to a guy from the AASP. Who?  The american association of sports psychology. My voice rose at least two octives after the termination of that call last night, because Im that excited and giddy about my potential future as a sports psychologist.

The thing is, Ive been drifting kind of aimlessly for about five years now, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. And a lot of the options i had considered had a definite shelf life, and limitations like you cant apply after your mid thirties.

Im now 32, and I figured out, those jobs werent what i really want to do any way. So, ive been racking my brain the past few years, going through all my interests and trying to pick something, because i dont want to keep doing what im doing.

Finally, I found something i liked enough to start back to school. Coynseling, and psychology. It seems a good fit, but I still kept feeling like something was missing from the formula, something was short of what I needed to be doing.

Then the Olympics happened and everything clicked into place. I kept hearing about lolo jones, and all my favorite curlers using sports psychologists. Sports psychologist? That sounds amazing! But what do they do exactly, and how do you become one?

I did a lot of internet research, which lead me to the AASP, and resulted in my phone conversation, a clearer acedimic direction, much excitement, and my favorite moment of the night.

See, due to the amout and years of school i need to do this, the previously mentioned age limited jobs i looked into, and probably from being a figure skater, which although there are opportunities to your seventies if you'd like, often has an end at twenty or or thirty kind of attitude (this i believe is changing, but very slowly).

When I first emailled the AASP, I let those old Age fears scare me a bit, and it came out in my writing. But in the past month or so, as i learned more about sports psychology, i decided I didnt care and I.d go for it any way.

But, It was a perfectly, in my opinion, sports psychologist thing that my friend said to me last night that made me giddy. "Don't let age stop you, if this is what you really want to do, go for it" and then he reassured me that im not that old, and its not a big deal.
What does a sports psychologist do? Well from what I can tell, that is a major part of it right there, help people gain the mental focus, edge and confidence to go for seemingly impopossible dreams in sports, or to overcome injury and mental obsticals to perform at their best level.

I am super excited for the direction my life is currently headed. For once, this feels like something I was born to do, and the universe is working for my benefit to make amazing things happen, so I can do what Im best at and help others make amazing things happen.

Im so stinkin excited! So much to do to make it happen, but it doesnt feel like a mountain to climb, it feels like wind beneath my wings, and im gonna soar.

Im no longer waiting, or trying to figure out what to do. What to do found me, when i was ready to go for it, and now im in turbo mode.

A Post-Olympic Update On Me

Well,  we've had radio silence on this blog for perhaps too long now. I've been thinking for a few weeks now maybe I should write something. But after the Olympics ended, what of great import did I have to say?  Sure, I could probably write about Ukraine, or mudslides, that's all sad, and important, but the truth is, after there was no more curling on, I just had nothing to say about anything else. Considering how much I've never cared about curing till this point, that's a little crazy, but what can I say.

 I was truly inspired by Eve Muirhead and her curling team of awesome from Scotland, and even though I'd try to write something after witnessing all that badassedness on ice (yes, I made up that word, and its my new favorite word and I'll use it every chance I get. Its pronounced ba dass ed ness in case you are wondering).

So, with nothing really to say, I turned my focus and energy to art. and painted a most incredible painting of my newest inspiration, and hung it beneath my figure skating medals from years past, when my feet were not so injured and ridiculous.

As you can very clearly see from this painting, I have no training, and have the skills of maybe a middle school er when it comes to my artistic abilities. Actually, I think I did ok on team Muirhead, but the rink is a little skewed.  Ok, it still looks live a 12 year old may have painted this, but I proudly claim it at age 32, because I have no formal training. 

So yes, part of what I have been doing with my time, not writing, is painting. Lovely.  Well, soon, I found a shortage of hearing Scottish accents in my life to be rather depressing, So I re-watched the entire Monarch of the Glen series. Some parts twice. I know. I know.  And when that ended, I turned to BBC radio Scotland Podcasts. But you know I still just want to watch some curling. Where do you watch curling in the US? I know of no where.   

Next, I decided that I should take up curling myself.  I found a rink in Seattle, but the try curling days were booked for the season, so I talked to my co-workers, and decided we were all going to train and prepare so we could try it, like it, and start our own team in the fall. That's right team Muirhead, watch out, because a bunch of out of shape Americans are going to steal the bronze from you next Olympics around.  Oh wait, sorry, no were not.  But I did decided to start working out and eating healthy again so I can be effective in my trying curling, and returning to skating and whatever else I decided to add to the list. So I have done, but unfortunately I had a severely jammed and swollen toe, from January, when I kicked my fire place bricks barefooted in the dark trying to find my way back to my bedroom, and additionally had begun to develop tendonitis, which is now full blown,stark raving mad and destroying all my dreams. 

 so, being unable to walk normally, or stand for very long, I had to modify my work outs, and stop my re-attempts to make a glorious return to figure skating. I am still working out and eating healthy though, so good job me. And I still have my co-workers doing our daily training, what I like to call "stretchy time"  And my success in motivating people who had mostly no desire to, to do 15 minutes of warm ups and stretching at  work daily has made me think perhaps rather than family counseling, my skills would be more suited for sports psychologist, so we've gone from a five year back to school, career changing plan to a ten year plan. Thanks for that curling. I'm now doubling down on my homework in the hopes that I can accomplish this new goal before I am old, grey haired, and no one wants to hire me. 

Finally, a few weeks ago, someone gave me a keyboard, and I decided to once again try to learn how to play it. But that's not all, I can't practice one instrument without picking up all of them. With Scotland on my mind, I decided I need to practice on my bagpipe practice chanter, and hopefully learn to play the pipes, as I had dreamed of doing 5 years ago when I bought the thing. After all, Eve Muirhead plays the pipes, and she's cool. But, let us not forget, I keep neglecting my guitar, so I have to practice that too. 

If some of you have wondered why you haven't seen or heard much from me in a while,  here is basically how my days are looking right now.  week day- 

wake up at 5 am, leave to work. Scripture study on the bus, nap on the ferry. Work.   8 am lead stretchy time.  work. eat lunch. work. go for a walk (on flat ground,as my doctor said no inclines) have second personal stretchy time for my tendonitis, followed by Icy time for my foot.  Work.   go home. Sleep on ferry. Study psychology on the bus ride after the ferry.  arrive home. Pay bills/check mail, take dog to potty, etc.      5:30 pm- work out.  This varies from day to day, but I assure you I am being really careful to not over or under do it. I want to heal, and get fit. shower/Ice foot.  When that's finished, I'm pretty much starving, so the next hour is cooking dinner. sometimes two hours. I make stuff from scratch, and I make lunch for the next day by creating leftovers. Then I practice a musical instrument, sometimes two, for 20-30 min each.  then I need a break, so I watch some BBC show, or else Under the Gunn, or Nashville.  Then I do my homework a bit more, and go to bed. 

Weekends are pretty much the same, but add in time for church stuff, some socializing (so i don't become a hermit), translating family history for a friend (from french to English- Ive been working on it for months)  and playing with my dog, fixing my car (as it seems to need everything fixed lately), or planting my garden.   Laundry. Dishes. Church callings. 

I'm feeling highly productive these days, but some what socially deprived, and possibly insane. I'm 32, what kind of 32 year old does this kind of stuff?   Its a tough balance, but when you dream big like I do, sacrifices must be made, and then I become weird.  ha ha.  So tonight, I took a night off, so I could write this and  connect a bit with my human friends. Hello human friends!! I've missed you, come join me curling in the fall!!!

Dear Sochi, Thanks For The Memories

 For the first time ever, I think I have a favorite closing ceremonies.  I never remember those,  though I have some favorite opening ceremonies, I never like it when the games end.  I still dont, even today, I cried, and I feel kind of sad and empty.  When that flame extinguishes,  a little corner of my heart feels a little darker.

 I loved three things about those closing ceremonies- apart from the massive fireworks.  I loved the mascots being the ones to extinguish the flame, and that the bear cried a single tear. I wasn't alive in 1980, and the US boycotted any way, so I wouldn't have caught that reference without commentator help, but its always what I do, so Im glad the mascot did too.

I also loved that little reference to the ring malfunction in the opening ceremonies was the perfect way to deal with it. I will never forget that now, but in a positive way, because it made me smile instead of just leaving me feeling sad about it.

and finally, I loved President Bach's speech. I loved his opening speech, I loved his closing speech even more, and I love that we are rid of the whole "greatest games ever" routine. It became a bit cliche, and then you felt bad when a country didnt get it. I like President Bach, I think of all the IOC Presidents in my life time, he seems the one that most gets it, that most embodies the true spirit of the Olympics and the one best poised to stand and defend it.  The Olympics are unique- multiple Countries get together for all kinds of sporting events, but not for multiple sporting events, and cultural events. The Olympics are something special, and are meant to be something to bring everyone together in the pursuit of greatness for mankind, his closing speech tonight said it better than I can, and I loved it.

 So, the games are over, and Im kind of sad. What will I take away and remember from these games?

Well,  there are many sports you can still do in the Olympics into your 40's which I think is great, but figure skating will probably never again be one of them, as Evgyny Plusinko showed us, its just too hard on the body.

Another thing, the Olympics will always be a time for the unexpected.  If you expect a gold in hockey, you probably wont get it. Just expect the unexpected, like getting locked in the bathroom and having to break your door down.  Even with little things like "Sochi water"  which caught a lot of people visiting off guard, things like that can be funny, or surprising, or a cultural lesson, and I think the Olympics are good at teaching us, not the whole world sees things or experience things, or even has water  the same way. I'd say in most Foreign countries, just buy bottled water to drink.

But as they said this was the Athletes games, and there are a lot of athletes that I loved watching, but I'm probably going to forget them. But there are some I will never forget, and some that will have altered me forever.

1- Jeremy Abbot.   Quite honestly, He didn't start out well, and I was wondering what he was doing there, but nothing defines the true meaning of the Olympic games to me more than when he fell on that jump and then got up and skated better than I'd ever seen him skate. That was unforgettable.

2- Noelle Pikus-Pace.  Great Athlete. Good example. Very Mormon.  Also, amazing to me that she had a baby and thats what made for her come back. Im just all around impressed with this lady, even if we didn't have a religion and some friends in common.

3-  Ashley Wagner.  Most Expressive face on the planet.  and I just like her. Shes fun.

4- This should be #1. Team GB women Curlers Eve Muirhead, Vicky Adams, Anna Sloan, and Clair Hamilton.  Before this Olympics, my interest in curling was 0. In fact, I think I just put it on to watch because it was on, and I was like, what the heck,  I'll see if I can get why this is an Olympic sport.  I may owe some thanks to commentator Jackie Lockheart- a Scottish, former Olympic curler  that commentated curing for the BBC. She made it exciting, and understandable. But, even with Lockheart, the GB men's team didn't captivate me as much as the women, who were far more expressive and exciting to watch. It was also good to see that curling is challenging enough, that sometimes the sweepers fall. I didn't know that was possible. Never has something so, well, calm, kept me up to all hours of the night. Those girls made it as exciting as watching brave heart, or a caber toss, rather than boring like watching golf, or tennis.  I am now going through massive withdrawals, and I dont know what I'm going to do, because I dont know where one can watch curling in the US, but even so, if I can't have Lockheart commentating, and if I have to watch the Americans, I dont know if I will love it as much. I do like watching the Canadians though., and the Russians, so if its an international event it will still work. But really, what I want is more Lockheart, and more team Muirhead.   The good news is, I now understand curling well enough, I think I could play it. In fact, I defeated an opponent on my N64 Nagano Olympic game curling competition, which I've never done before.

One other thing about these curlers, and most of them that I saw, excepting, well, the Americans. They are mostly young and super fit athletes. I thought curlers were pudgy, out of shape middle aged folk. Not so any more. Eve Muirhead goes to the gym at least 3 times a day, and all the team GB women have an extrordinary fitness level, and now days, you need that to compete in curling. These women helped teach me respect for an extraordinary and ancient game.

And thats pretty much what I will take from these Olympics. That, and a new work out schedule as soon as I am better enough from this cold to do so. I need to start working out like Eve Muirhead, so that when I go to the try curling clinic in September, maybe I'll be fit enough to make it my new sport, or I could go back to adult level figure skating- if my feet are ever un injured.

I think there is one more group of athletes that deserve a mention at these Olympics, one more team.
This shout out goes to all the Sliders of Latvija. You guys were truly inspiring, thanks for that.

Honorable mention to The Lithuanian Ice dance pair, I loved watching them skate, as well as the ladies singles skater from Northern Ireland. Im not going to try to write your names, because I'll miss spell them without looking them up, but it was a great pleasure to watch.

So Sochi, there may have been some snafus, and cultural miss understandings at the start, but you truly made this an athletes games, so thank you to the volunteers, to the organizers, and to everyone for a really great, and memorable Olympic games. Im glad we didn't boycott, I dont think thats ever a good idea.  And I think we can all be glad no one died.  Vancover, Atlanta , and many other Olympic hosts can't claim that one, so Im pretty glad we didn't need any moments of silence for that. (though I do understand there was a moment of silence for an athlete that died in training (not at Sochi) to get to the Olympics, and thats still sad.

Random Olympic Thoughts (part 3)

The final compilation of my in the moment Facebook thoughts from this game. The last few days have less because I got really sick, so I had less thoughts. Bound to happen after 16 days on a super weird sleep schedule in the middle of winter.

Without further ado- here they are...

Who knew the French were any good at cross country skiing? I certainly wouldn't have thought so, but today I am proven wrong.

Its kind of weird to hear passenger playing over the speakers at the cross country event. wouldn't that effect the rhythm and speed of the skiers to have music? can they hear that while they ski?

What an amazing race for the cross country team relay race. good job guys

One of team Russia was a figure skater before she went to curling. Maybe I need to follow her example.

practicing my sweeping techniques, and shouting for curling tonight, I brushed my dogs teeth, the whole time calling out- clean!! Clean!! whoa Whoa!! Clean!! Whoa!! Sweep!! hard hard hard!!! I think his teeth were brushed quite excellently, and he can stay in the house. 

Boarder cross is canceled due to fog, guess that means I can go to bed "early"

Lithuania are skating to Skyfall, super awesome. Go Lietuva!! Very exciting number to watch, and they get vocals, because its ice dance. Looks like they are skating well to me, but I'm not an ice dance expert. Good job Tobais and Stagniunas!!

My aunt Elaine would be supper proud of me, im watching four screens at once this morning, it takes skill to watch that many sporting events at once

America have got to work on their shooting, we've had to ski a penalty every lap this morning, but were keeping near the top, if we shot better, we'd be there.

Austrailia are skating to circus music! Why!! Kill me now!!

No people say they don't believe, Monaco has a bobsled team.

Watching bobsled and I see an orange sled, and men in orange suits, and im like, Orange? What country wears orange? Duh!! Netherlands! Where have you been this games? Must be early morning yet.

Good transfer of energy on that shot denmark. Well played stones

Oh my! One of the ice dancers appears to have a Picaso on the back of her dress

Michael Jackson tribute? Well played Brits. Such fun! Well skated.

One thing ive learned this morning, every sport is more exciting and dramatic with ice dance music playing in the background of it.

Apparently michael jackson tributes and spy themes are all the rage in figure skating this year

Ive just noticed, curling, biathalon and cross country ski are probably the only sports thay dont show incessant instant replays. Probably because if you missed it the first time, showing it again slower isnt going to help you catch it.

Great Britains eminent curling victory over Denmark is well hightened by the music medley from les miserables that one of the american ice dance couples are skating to. (Great Britain ended up loosing. I blame my remark here). 

Oops, I jinxed my team. Gb lost to denmark in overtime, now they have to play Canada in the semi finals

Im tired. I think I need a nap. The good news is, I dont need to stay up late to watch Ice dance in prime Time. the bad news is, this means I cant go on and on about the winners until tomorrow.

Just watched the documentary "The Price of Gold" on the whole Tanya-Nancy incident. Interesting. I have a slightly different perspective about both skaters now, but still am undecided if I fully believe one way or another on Tanya's envolvement. The one thing I didn' t like about this, was that it made Oksana Baiule's winning the gold medal look like an additional scandal, and I think thats just rubbish, even if that were to have been the case, its not going to help anyone at all to uncover that now. focus on your main story people.

Ive gotten in the habit of asleep watching the Olympics. I dont know how Im going to sleep after this coming sunday. Is there a sounds of british curling cd I can purches somewhere?

If I were a fast runner, I'd so do bobsled. Unfortunately Im not, but I did get to ride in a bobsled once, and it was a lot of fun.

I know not everyone likes lolo jones, but I sure enjoy her unique personality and extraordinary athletic abilities. Im glad that shes in the Winter Olympics now. That coach from cool runnings (well, at leasty john candy's version, I dont know if the real one said it) Runners make the best bobsleders. And I'd probably add, it looks like figure skaters make pretty great curlers.

 Scott Hamilton has always been my favorite. This was so what I needed to hear tonight. What a good man. The world needs a few more of him. (on Scott Hamiltons faith video)

wow photo finish at biathalon today, thats exciting

Watching an interview with an american snowboard cross-er, and all I could think was= that man has no eyebrows. Then I remembered that I have really blond hard to see eyebrows too, so maybe I shouldn't be so judgy.

Latvia made it into the hockey quarter finals? Good job Latvia!!!

It would appear Ted Ligity had no cold problems today. 

congratulations to Finland, and anyone of Finish decent, its a great day for anyone who beats the Russians at hockey on their home turf.

Im quite sad tomorrow is the last day of curling, I have grown to love it over the past two weeks, and Eve Muirhead is my new favorite Olympian.

I've never liked "send in the clowns." That hasn't changed tonight. pretty skating, but I hate that song

is it just me, or have the skating skirts gotten shorter?

Does yulia Lipninskya remind anyone else of Prim from the Hunger games? especially with that fall today, she looked so sad. well, she fell, of course she was sad. awesome braid though.

Congratulations to Eve Muirhead and the girls on a well played Olympics.#lovecurling #teamgb

I've become the kind of person that completely enjoys watching ten ends of curling. Dont know how that happend but it did

So great to finally watch, in its entirety 10 ends of Eve, Anna, Vicky, and the quiet red headed one who's name I always forget, win the Bronze. I so love womens curling, and Im so excited to see the men tomorrow. GO TEAM GB CURLING!!! (AKA Scotland  )

Im trying to will the puck into the back of the net so team usa can score one, but its just isn't working. perhaps the sinus meds have deminished the strength of the force within me.

I think amid all the controversy with the womens figure skating, we are overlooking the fact that Carolina Kostner skated to Bolero and did an excellent job of it. Im a day behind watching, but I really enjoyed watching that one

we are seriously looking like we wont medal in men's hockey. What the crap?

5-0 with less than 6 minutes, I'm calling it. We just got slaughtered by the Fins. Another good day to be Finish.

weird start to the champions gala, but im pretty happy any time someone decideds to bring in the song Je t'aime. Laura Fabien is one of my favorite french singers.

Im in love with that spanish figure skater javier, and totally geeking out at the same time. What a guy!

Random Olympic Thoughts (part 2)

Yesterday, one of my friends had told me, she thought I should compile all my Olympic thoughts together somewhere, because they are so awesome. I told her I already had done, and more were to come. So, since she missed part 1, here's part two...

When I watch the Winter Olympics, Here are my random thoughts:

Hearing the women of team GB curling shout orders at each other, feels a bit like watching Braveheart. Probably because they are all Scottish. FREEDOM!! SWEEP!! NOOOOOO!!!

In the Olympics Games, Snow borders go big. Going home isn't an option. Thats Badassedness to the max.

"thats part of the game, manage your stones, and manage the Ice" one of the curling comentators, talking about rouge stones that aren't behaving how they are supposed to.

second on my list of sports of Olympic Insanity- Skeleton Luge. like really? lets go head first, as fast as we can down an Ice track. Those women have some real courage, you couldn't pay me to do that one.

Jeremy Abbots short program is my mental definition of the Lithuanian word "Pastenga" maybe not for anyone else, but to get up after falling that hard and jump, and skate like that, thats incredible. That is just plain not giving up, and making it happen. I have fallen hard l before, and probably not even anywhere near as hard as he did.But to get up and skate at all after, let alone land everything, to control muscles that have been smacked hard on the ice like that, so so incredible that he did that. I remember I tripped on my toe pick once at a competition warm up, and fell and landed hard (yes, you can laugh, it was a cutting edge moment) and my legs tightened up and spasmed so bad after it was really hard for me to control my landings on my jumps. This was kind of like when Jamaica crashed their bobsled and carried it across the finish line, because they had to finish the race.

Feeling for Evgeni Plushenko, big hugs and love to you man. It was so fun to watch him in the team competetion, Im sad he was hurt, but you could totally see from the jump footage that he wasn't feeling his legs, and he was hurting. Getting old SUCKS!! and yes, 30's and figure skating is hard on your body, and it just doesn't heal the same. There is a reason figure skaters are so young.

So excited to spend tonight with my first true love. We've been destined for each other since I was two. I love you, Olympic Games!! Je t'aime les jeux d'Olympics!! — feeling twitterpated.

Watching highlights of curling, Denmark fell. I've never seen anyone fall curling before, but there it was.

I swear every olympics, winter and summer, they nick name someone the Russian Rocket, and its rarely the same guy. Do they think we wont notice that?

I love it "to all the youth out there, remember who you are and what you stand for" How often you you get to hear that at the olympics, from a silver medalist? Congratulations Noelle Pikus-Pace!!

another reason I love Olympic Curling- it starts with Bag Pipes- playing Scotland the Brave, and men marching in wearing kilts. LOVING the curling.

practicing for skeleton by watching the olympics laying on my stomach. i hate laying on my stomach. maybe its not the sport for me.

To practice Ski Jumping  Im going to lean in a plank against the couch, with my legs in a v shape, and pretemñnd im flying through the air

I didn't even know spain had figure skaters till europeans this year, but my oh my Javier goes big doesn't he. Impressive skating.

I've learned all sorts of things this week, about being in the house, and having the hammer, and what a hack really is.maybe the hammer, in curling, is symboic of thor's hammer, because if you get to throw the last stone, you have the power.

I love me some Riverdance on ice 

most sports I watch, I think, Am I fit enough to do that. Curling I watch and I think, Am I cleaver enough to do that?

I'd say latvia benefited greatly from hosting world cup luge events this year. They have become quite the country of sliders.

today I practiced for curling, while putting my groceries away. I curled two milk jugs into good position in my fridge.

Russia v USA hockey, what a great match. TJ Oshie, I could kiss you!

Im really starting to feel for Bode Miller, this has not been his Games.

one of canada's male curlers is sporting the mr. Clean look, bald head, pretty good biceps, oh yeah, and he's tatooed. you wouldn't expect that in curling.

I wish I could watch Ice Dance with John Christopher Obzansky, because he could explain all the things about Ice Dance that I just dont get. Why did you move away Chris?

Watching lithuania in the olympics makes me especially happy.

And Lithuania take the lead by a lanslide in the Mandi's favorite music selection competition. Very good music, even if it didnt work for Robbin Cousins.

I love the Jamaican bobsled team. I just love them

Monaco has a bobsled team? really?

One thing ive noticed about the ice dance, the better skaters have chosen better music. I think that speaks to taste level

We interupt our olympic watching now, for a church time out. Davis and White, Jamaica, Ill see you in prime time

you can never doubt that the cross country skiers have given their all, because they always colapse at the finish.

boarder cross kind of reminds me of the hunger games. Often in the early rounds people will work together as a team, but when it gets to the final rounds, no matter how much you love the person next to you, you cant both win it, and its every man/woman for his/her self.
however, i suppose there is a chance you could tie for a gold,- pull a peeta and katniss, but thats pretty hard to do without both of you just loosing

and thats part 2, of my Olympic thoughts. One more week of action to go, so Im sure I will have plenty more random things to say about it.