This morning I woke up with a question that had to be answered. What makes some people think negatively of the words special, unique, and different, and others think only happy thoughts about those words. So I asked. I asked co workers, I asked on Facebook. I wanted to know if there were any patterns, if there was an age, or geographical, or religious reason. I found none of those patterns to exist.
I only got a response from about 50 people, all of who know me. So this was in no way scientific, and in no way a random sample. well, there were random elements to it. The people that responded lived in the pacific north west, and the rocky mountains. They were between the ages of 25 and 65. They were almost equally male and female. Some were from the same family, some were even twins. Some were not related at all. Some were gay, some were straight. Some were Mormon, lots were mormon. Some were Catholic, Lutheran, Athiest, some are leaning towards eastern religions but are undecided. See, I had some variety in there.
When I started asking this question, I thought I would get more negative responses out of people in Utah than on the West Coast. That was not the case. Then I thought maybe there would be an age correlation, and maybe it would be stronger towards people my parents age for the negative response. Also, not the case.
But as I asked people, one thing was very very clear, with no context to judge from, most people had very very strong opinions and fit in one of three categories.
Negative, to the point of being almost impossible to see these words in a positive light without context.
Positive, to the point of it being absolutely impossible that someone would use then wonderful words in any negative way.
Positive, with an acknowledgement that other people may see and use the words negatively, but that they had chosen to see everything in a positive light, and possibly that they were unique and different and OK with that, and people that weren't could go jump in a lake.
It was interesting to me, that most of the responses I got throughout the day in person, or else by personal one on one communication on instant messaging were neck and neck between the positives and the negatives. When I went to Facebook with the question, very few people expressed a negative view at all.
The family I asked, my own, or more specifically my mom and her sisters and one of my cousins, were all divided. half were very positive, to the point of not understanding how anyone could be negative, and the other half were extremely negative. in that family, twins. and the twins were polar opposites in their responses. That, I will say, absolutely blew my mind.
As I got responses throughout the day, one of my favorites was a positive response that was also incredibly unique. Not a one line response, this person went through and explained the great thing about each of the words- different is a learning experience, normal is over rated, and all the words together bring curiosity and interest.
It was interesting to see what happened when people broke the words apart, rather than taking them as a whole. some words were positive some negative, some neutral, all together the feeling for the words was different from individually.
One of my favorite conversations was with a person that went to school with me, but that was a year younger. We had a really good talk about how our schools could be very clicky, and how those words were often used very negatively in elementary school and Jr high school. She had a more negative view of those words.
I really enjoyed that someone put content. that's happy and at peace to me, but not so overwhelmingly happy, just happy enough. That's how I interpreted that. Sometimes it was hard to get a straight answer out of people. Some of them would answer in a statement that I am sure they thought was crystal clear, but part of the reason this question came up, is that some words mean different things to different people, and without a context to your statements, or some clarity, they can be easy to misinterpret.
Many people who were either positive acknowledging the negative, or just flat out negative sighted experiences with bullying, or references to Forest Gump, the "special" bus, any kind of special needs group, or growing up being told to stay away from people that were in any way different from themselves. The most unique negative response (in a good way;) was that it was pretentious. That's interesting, someone looking down on you because they are special, rather than the rest of the negatives that felt special was looked down upon.
Many of the positive people quickly referenced people of their same religion, or even in one instance, being happy that they were not part of a states major religious majority and like "those people." Many just used the word happy, and some talked about spiritual things and being special to God or his special people.
Your responses were intriguing to me. I hope someday to expand this with a larger and more random sample. But lets be honest, none of you are reading this to find out what each other said. You want to know why I asked this, and what my response is.
I just finished watching the voice. There is great irony in the fact that I love the voice because I think of all the musical reality shows, it is the best at embracing and celebrating uniqueness, and originality. It is the most positive and uplifting show. The singers on there that are my favorite are unique, special, and different, in a positive way. They bring a quality and a richness to their performances, and the ones that don't are forgettable, and I'm not sad when the forgettable are voted off.
That said, with no context, and sometimes even in a very positive context, I go extremely negative in my reaction to these words. I hope someday, through great friends and programs like the voice to be better at celebrating different, special and unique. I think I can do well at celebrating it in others, but applied to me personally I still have a hard time doing that.
My personal quote of the year, the question I have felt God and many of my friends and loved ones have asked me in one way or another, and that I have even asked myself is from the movie "What a Girl Wants". It is simply this: "Why do you try so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?"
I have no doubt in my mind that I was born to stand out. But from my travel patterns to everything else I do in life, I try my hardest to blend in. I'm not good at it, I don't think I'm meant to. And the thing that triggered all of this, was when a friend gave me a compliment, using the words unique and special, and said it in such a way that there could be no doubt it was meant as a compliment, and to uplift. My gut reaction kicked in in that moment to a point that shocked the heck out of me. I instantly got angry. If I could have punched someone, I probably would have if I could have. I reacted very quickly in my head, but silently in person with a "what exactly are you trying to say about me?" Hearing those words made me feel like I must be unacceptable, and sub standard, weird, and in capable of blending in with "normal people" for all of thirty seconds, till logic took over, and then I interpreted it as she meant it, or at least I tried to.
That wasn't anything my friend said, she said the opposite. She was saying that I am amazing and awesome and should embrace my awesomeness and shine for the world Based on today's responses clearly feels positive about those words. And I knew that, pretty quickly after I felt those negative feelings, I knew that wasn't her intent. So it caught me really strongly that I would react that way. Then I remembered all the times this year I received blessings and was told "your heavenly father wants you to know you are special, you are one of his special daughters." or reading many times the words "special" or "unique" in my patriarchal blessing. And I got mad at God about those too. I think one time I thought, "God Stop calling me special, I don't like that!" and then I realized, Gods meaning of special is always positive, and I am the one that needs to change, not him.
So basically, that was it, that's where it came from. A little kick in the gut of self awareness, and just trying to figure out why I try so hard to fit in, when clearly I am more awesome when I knock that nonsense off, and just be me. In fact, I have tried to be someone else, I have tried to blend in. I can't do it, at the end of the day, I must be me, and I have accepted that, but apparently I still have some work to do.
I think the most insightful conversations of the day were with my mom, and that friend from school. In Elementary school and Jr High, I watched countless friends be bullied for being different, unique, and special. Sometimes, I got a bit of that myself. Mostly I just learned, if you want to be safe, you have to be invisible, you have to blend in and you have to be a part of the crowd. Otherwise people will call you names, spit on you, throw stuff at you, slam you head into the wall, and all that crap.
Well, I'm tired of being safe. I just want to be me. And my real friends like me better that way. Please continue to tell me I am special, Unique and different. Go ahead and tell me that I'm weird and should stay that way, because that's how you love me any way. I promise, I will not punch you, and maybe together we can move me to that middle category- "I know people sometimes say negative things about those words, but I think they are positive"
Maybe I should make a bumper sticker "keep Mandi weird" I think I live in an area that does a good job celebrating uniqueness. I have good friends that keep showing me that there is no reason to be afraid of being yourself. I think that is great. I agree about that for other people. I will someday agree about it for me. For now, I encourage further discussion on the matter, and watching this video. Be brave my fellow negatives. BE BRAVE.
I only got a response from about 50 people, all of who know me. So this was in no way scientific, and in no way a random sample. well, there were random elements to it. The people that responded lived in the pacific north west, and the rocky mountains. They were between the ages of 25 and 65. They were almost equally male and female. Some were from the same family, some were even twins. Some were not related at all. Some were gay, some were straight. Some were Mormon, lots were mormon. Some were Catholic, Lutheran, Athiest, some are leaning towards eastern religions but are undecided. See, I had some variety in there.
When I started asking this question, I thought I would get more negative responses out of people in Utah than on the West Coast. That was not the case. Then I thought maybe there would be an age correlation, and maybe it would be stronger towards people my parents age for the negative response. Also, not the case.
But as I asked people, one thing was very very clear, with no context to judge from, most people had very very strong opinions and fit in one of three categories.
Negative, to the point of being almost impossible to see these words in a positive light without context.
Positive, to the point of it being absolutely impossible that someone would use then wonderful words in any negative way.
Positive, with an acknowledgement that other people may see and use the words negatively, but that they had chosen to see everything in a positive light, and possibly that they were unique and different and OK with that, and people that weren't could go jump in a lake.
It was interesting to me, that most of the responses I got throughout the day in person, or else by personal one on one communication on instant messaging were neck and neck between the positives and the negatives. When I went to Facebook with the question, very few people expressed a negative view at all.
The family I asked, my own, or more specifically my mom and her sisters and one of my cousins, were all divided. half were very positive, to the point of not understanding how anyone could be negative, and the other half were extremely negative. in that family, twins. and the twins were polar opposites in their responses. That, I will say, absolutely blew my mind.
As I got responses throughout the day, one of my favorites was a positive response that was also incredibly unique. Not a one line response, this person went through and explained the great thing about each of the words- different is a learning experience, normal is over rated, and all the words together bring curiosity and interest.
It was interesting to see what happened when people broke the words apart, rather than taking them as a whole. some words were positive some negative, some neutral, all together the feeling for the words was different from individually.
One of my favorite conversations was with a person that went to school with me, but that was a year younger. We had a really good talk about how our schools could be very clicky, and how those words were often used very negatively in elementary school and Jr high school. She had a more negative view of those words.
I really enjoyed that someone put content. that's happy and at peace to me, but not so overwhelmingly happy, just happy enough. That's how I interpreted that. Sometimes it was hard to get a straight answer out of people. Some of them would answer in a statement that I am sure they thought was crystal clear, but part of the reason this question came up, is that some words mean different things to different people, and without a context to your statements, or some clarity, they can be easy to misinterpret.
Many people who were either positive acknowledging the negative, or just flat out negative sighted experiences with bullying, or references to Forest Gump, the "special" bus, any kind of special needs group, or growing up being told to stay away from people that were in any way different from themselves. The most unique negative response (in a good way;) was that it was pretentious. That's interesting, someone looking down on you because they are special, rather than the rest of the negatives that felt special was looked down upon.
Many of the positive people quickly referenced people of their same religion, or even in one instance, being happy that they were not part of a states major religious majority and like "those people." Many just used the word happy, and some talked about spiritual things and being special to God or his special people.
Your responses were intriguing to me. I hope someday to expand this with a larger and more random sample. But lets be honest, none of you are reading this to find out what each other said. You want to know why I asked this, and what my response is.
I just finished watching the voice. There is great irony in the fact that I love the voice because I think of all the musical reality shows, it is the best at embracing and celebrating uniqueness, and originality. It is the most positive and uplifting show. The singers on there that are my favorite are unique, special, and different, in a positive way. They bring a quality and a richness to their performances, and the ones that don't are forgettable, and I'm not sad when the forgettable are voted off.
That said, with no context, and sometimes even in a very positive context, I go extremely negative in my reaction to these words. I hope someday, through great friends and programs like the voice to be better at celebrating different, special and unique. I think I can do well at celebrating it in others, but applied to me personally I still have a hard time doing that.
My personal quote of the year, the question I have felt God and many of my friends and loved ones have asked me in one way or another, and that I have even asked myself is from the movie "What a Girl Wants". It is simply this: "Why do you try so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?"
I have no doubt in my mind that I was born to stand out. But from my travel patterns to everything else I do in life, I try my hardest to blend in. I'm not good at it, I don't think I'm meant to. And the thing that triggered all of this, was when a friend gave me a compliment, using the words unique and special, and said it in such a way that there could be no doubt it was meant as a compliment, and to uplift. My gut reaction kicked in in that moment to a point that shocked the heck out of me. I instantly got angry. If I could have punched someone, I probably would have if I could have. I reacted very quickly in my head, but silently in person with a "what exactly are you trying to say about me?" Hearing those words made me feel like I must be unacceptable, and sub standard, weird, and in capable of blending in with "normal people" for all of thirty seconds, till logic took over, and then I interpreted it as she meant it, or at least I tried to.
That wasn't anything my friend said, she said the opposite. She was saying that I am amazing and awesome and should embrace my awesomeness and shine for the world Based on today's responses clearly feels positive about those words. And I knew that, pretty quickly after I felt those negative feelings, I knew that wasn't her intent. So it caught me really strongly that I would react that way. Then I remembered all the times this year I received blessings and was told "your heavenly father wants you to know you are special, you are one of his special daughters." or reading many times the words "special" or "unique" in my patriarchal blessing. And I got mad at God about those too. I think one time I thought, "God Stop calling me special, I don't like that!" and then I realized, Gods meaning of special is always positive, and I am the one that needs to change, not him.
So basically, that was it, that's where it came from. A little kick in the gut of self awareness, and just trying to figure out why I try so hard to fit in, when clearly I am more awesome when I knock that nonsense off, and just be me. In fact, I have tried to be someone else, I have tried to blend in. I can't do it, at the end of the day, I must be me, and I have accepted that, but apparently I still have some work to do.
I think the most insightful conversations of the day were with my mom, and that friend from school. In Elementary school and Jr High, I watched countless friends be bullied for being different, unique, and special. Sometimes, I got a bit of that myself. Mostly I just learned, if you want to be safe, you have to be invisible, you have to blend in and you have to be a part of the crowd. Otherwise people will call you names, spit on you, throw stuff at you, slam you head into the wall, and all that crap.
Well, I'm tired of being safe. I just want to be me. And my real friends like me better that way. Please continue to tell me I am special, Unique and different. Go ahead and tell me that I'm weird and should stay that way, because that's how you love me any way. I promise, I will not punch you, and maybe together we can move me to that middle category- "I know people sometimes say negative things about those words, but I think they are positive"
Maybe I should make a bumper sticker "keep Mandi weird" I think I live in an area that does a good job celebrating uniqueness. I have good friends that keep showing me that there is no reason to be afraid of being yourself. I think that is great. I agree about that for other people. I will someday agree about it for me. For now, I encourage further discussion on the matter, and watching this video. Be brave my fellow negatives. BE BRAVE.
Well now I need to go check Facebook!
ReplyDelete