Why I Love The Doctor (Especially 10)

 I've never liked things that I didn't feel I could relate to or draw parallels to in my own life. I don't know why, they just don't interest me. Maybe that's normal, maybe its not, but its how I am. I hate Battle Star Galactica, and I was never a big fan of Star Trek for those reasons.  Star Trek is growing on me thanks to some friends and the new movies, I understand it better, but I don't know that I've really connected with it yet, and I don't know that I'm going to.

  But I absolutely love me a  906 year old Time Lord.  Why?  Well, despite the fact I am much younger than that, I don't travel in a blue box, and I don't have two hearts, I relate quite a lot to the doctor.

 The doctors home was destroyed in the time war. He can't really go home and visit his family. You can see how bad he misses it and them, and yet, he was the one who destroyed it.  And yet... from time to time he finds he is not alone, he is not the last Time Lord in existence, because they come back. In the end of time all of Galifrey comes back, and then he is all alone again. But, He kind of adopts the Earth as his home, sometimes he laughs a bit at the humans, some times he loves them, sometimes he is frustrated with them, but its all "humany-woomany" in the end  and its his home away from home and he defends it lovingly and loyally.

  My family were not destroyed by a time war, but they are quite a distance away, and its really rather rare that I see them or they come see me. I've adopted Washington, the Kitsap Peninsula in particular, as my home away from home. Most the time I think I just blend in pretty well,  and I love it, and defend it and my  friends loyally. But then I go to a football game, and I see how small the school is, and how different things are, and I know it isn't mine, but I watch amused and enjoy it all.  Sometimes I'm glad to be away from my culture- Utah culture, because there is so much that goes wrong in Utah culture-like any culture. But other times I lovingly refer to it as a place that's so very very great. Just like the Doctor does with Galifrey.

 The Doctor has been referred to as the loneliest boy in the Universe, yet he's got quite a large family of friends, loyal defenders, companions, and so forth. He's had a lot of companions travel with him. He's lost some to death, some to Fates worse than death, and some just moved on. At the end of the day its just him and his Tardis.  Its hard to get that close to people, to have them pop in and out of your life with nothing stable, no one that is always there, and yet without them, he's much worse. Companions are what make the Doctor great.  Having someone to love and care about, even if they pop in and out of your life more frequently than you want, makes you a better person.

  I've had  somewhere around 56 roommates and mission companions. I've had countless friends and adopted families to take care of me in my journeys through time and space.  At the end of the day, Its just me, and my dog- well, he can't live forever either. And its great, because I care a great deal about all of my "companions"  but then there are always weeping angels, parallel universes, marriages, moves, and the like and at some point or other they go away. At some point, there is usually something that will bring us back together briefly, and its magic again for a small moment, and then when the Daleks are defeated and the Earth is restored to its proper place, everyone goes back as they were and its me and my Tardis again.
Some leave angry, some leave because that's just how the battle goes, and some leave because they have to get back to their real family,  but in the end, Doctor, I wish I could go join you in your travels because I feel your pain.

 The Doctor is clever, yet he's just a mad man with a box.  At any point he would do anything to defend the ones he loves, but often he puts them in the most danger. He is very clever, and yet he often has no real clue what he is doing, he just presses buttons, and scraps and finds whatever solution he can.  I feel like I'm pretty clever, I'm pretty smart, I have a lot of talents, but I have no idea what I'm doing half the time, and I think its my resourcefulness that  wins the day for me in the end.  You want some one to make an extraordinary hat using nothing but staples and scrapbook paper, I'm your girl. You need a time machine out of scraps of a cardboard box,  no problem.

 you want me to commit to something next Tuesday? OK I think its free now, but I may get side tracked by my travels in time and space and not make it on time.  I make promises I intend to keep, but sometimes your going to have to be  "the girl who waited" and I'll be a bit later at coming through than hoped, but like the Doctor, I will come through.

 Well, I'm not the Doctor. Its not a perfect comparison. But if anyone has ever wondered why I so love that show, well, a lot of people love it.  I don't know why they do, but I know why I do. Because I think the Doctor understands me, he knows what its like to be all alone, and the only one of your kind and at the same time have the biggest and most wonderful ever growing family of loving and loyal friends who you hope will travel with you forever, but in the end you know some kind of monster will get them, and you'll be all alone again. And that's why I love River Song, because she's just as lonely, and she's suffered just as much, and she gets the doctor, but their time is backwards and its the greatest tragedy ever.  I love how much the Doctor cares, I love his loyalty, and I love his anger, I relate to that. He has compassion, and he cares so much it hurts, and he goes through life trying to have a great adventure and help those he loves, and forget that hurt.
And I love that he gives people the chance to change, to make the right decision, to start over sometimes, but if they wont, he will fight them to the end to defend those he loves.    I think the Doctor and I have a similar preach to life.

 And Ten, finally Ten, Why do I love Ten? well because he's skinny with sticky up hair, and a suit and tennis shoes, I think he's hot, but its not just that,  he's funny, and he's ancient, and he's young all at once. He loves so much you can see his heart breaking, and he's so tired of being alone he even is happy to see the Master, and makes a friend of an enemy in the end, even though he fights him most the way. And it payed off didn't it, but then it didn't because he was all alone again.

Ah, wait, I forgot something. Regeneration. I've never regenerated, but I've gone through changes in life. It does feel like a completely different girl has just walked off with my life sometimes. This year especially. I still remember everything, but I'm a completely different person, and yet, I'm the same. I'm kind of glad my face doesn't change that much though.

 And this is a not so short explanation of why I am a Whovian.

A Guarenteed Way To Have A Melt Down

Yesterday I ate chocolate cake for breakfast, super nachos for lunch, and a chocolate ice cream sundae for dessert. I managed to get a slow twenty minute walk of mopey time to the water front, and no other exercise. I stayed up till midnight watching Grimm, guarenteeing that Id not sleep well and have strange disturbing nightmares. All this knowing Id need to be up at a quarter to five to go to work in the morning. There is no better way to guarantee that today Id be emotionally all over the place, exhausted and in melt down mode. If you add to that listening to hours of general conference talks from 1983, which for some reason were ALL on getting along well with and forgiving others, its no wonder my boss had to ask me at lunch if i was feeling well. Apparently i turned a shade of pale grey. Why do I do stuff like that to myself? I dont know, it sounds pretty cray cray to me. This is what happens when people spend too much time alone, Im pretty sure. So I am determined, im going to follow President Uchtdorfs advice and Stop It!!! ....Tomorrow.

Rainy Day's and Sundaes

 If I had to choose just one song to say how I feel today, this would be it!

Normally, I love the rain.  Its pretty, and peaceful. But today it got me down. I think it got a lot of people down. Why? because when it rains, what you really want to do is go home, crawl back in bed, maybe have  a roaring fire going, cuddle up with a dog, or maybe another person if you can find one, grab a cup of hot chocolate, or maybe some apple cider,  some dounuts and read a book, or watch a movie- like singing in the rain.

 When I was a kid, I liked to go get my bike, throw on a hoodie and some jeans, and go ride my bike through every mud puddle I could find and get soaking wet. Or strap on my roller blades, same jeans, or if it were the early 90's some spandex pants,  and head out into the rain to pretend I was Bonnie Blair speed skating towards a gold medal at the olympics. Then I'd come in, sit on the fire place (with a lit fire inside, I know, my butt probably is lacking in living nerve endings or something, because I sat on the  fire place all the time and never got burned or even felt too hot.)  and then id curl up in a blanket and watch a movie or read a book.

In college, I usually went for the book route,  unless my roommates were watching a movie, then I'd join them. I think that is where I developed the ideal rainy day plan in my head. Now I am an adult. So guess what, when it rains, I get up at a ridiculously early time and go to work, like every day, and look out my window at the rain, longing to pick up a book, and cuddle with my dog in a nice warm blanket.

 One of the managers (not mine) and I had this conversation at work today. We both wanted to be doing the same thing. Home. Bed. Book. Warm beverage.

 So I was pretty cranky about the fact I had to be at work.  Its ok though, Im home in bed now cuddling with my dog. The rain seems to have stopped. One of my good friends took me out for an ice cream sundae. It was a chocolate mouse sundae at Mora's.  Her cute little girl giggled at my crazy hair. Apart from the fact that I have ate nothing but junk all day, I think that was an excellent way to end the day, and I now feel much better about life.  Sometimes there is a two year old in my head, and she whines about not getting her way, and thinks its the end of the world. Ice cream sundaes do a good job of shutting her up.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

 As my regular readers may remember, I have been watching General Conference addresses lately starting with the year I was born. April 1982 was my first conference. Im now all the way to October 1982.  Its been really interesting. Today I listened to a talk from Elder George P. Lee who was then a Seventy, but  who was later excommunicated, and became a registered sex offender.  It was interesting because the talk that followed was then Elder Gordon B. Hinkely, who became President Hinkley, and  who in his 1982 talk warned against such offences against children, and warned against pornography among other things.  Knowing that history colored how I listened to then Elder Lee's talk, which was about the Savior, and  it made President Hinkelys talk sound all the more profound to me.

 Another talk that I heard  From Elder Marvin J Ashton affected me much more personally. His talk "Pure Religion"  Said a great many things, that basically came down to having Christ like love for others, doing service and avoiding everything that doesn't fit in pure religion."Loving those around us includes being sensitive to  feelings of others...  To be unspotted from the world, one must avoid all of Satan’s evil plans for the inhabitants of the world. Retaliation, fault-finding, deceit, pettiness, hypocrisy, judging, and destroying one another do not belong in the definition of pure religion." 

Recently I was insensitive to some of my friends,  One in particular, but It kind of spread to effect multiple people, and at this point, I dont even know how many. I have lost contact with a few people because of this, and as I listened to this talk, and many others on reconciliation, and forgiveness and repentance, etc, I felt a growing desire to apologize especially to that friend. I thought and I thought, and I could find no good way of doing that as we have lost contact.  My offence was made in a some what public way,  and I could think of nothing else, so I decided to apologize here, not just to the one, or the two others I know know about it, but to anyone else that may have been negatively impacted by my carelessness.

 Though I am sad to be out of the loop and not currently have some very important people to me in my life at the moment, I am much much more sad that anything I did hurt someone I cared so much about. Its actually bothered me since the moment I discovered my error quite a great deal, but I allowed some of my own hurts to get in the way of how I let my dear friend know that.

 I dont know if those that need to hear this will ever read this. I hope that they do, but its very possible they may not. But this is the only way I could think of currently to say what I needed to say, and Elton John was correct,  sorry does seem to be the hardest word.

 To those who I offended, to those whose trust I betrayed in any way, to those I hurt in any way directly or indirectly, know that I am very very sorry that I caused you any pain and hurt in life. Know that I love you and care about you deeply, and though I can't change what happened, I hope to learn from it, and never repeat it. I hope to become the most trust worthy person I possibly can. I do my best, sometimes I just dont think things through all the way,  and sometimes I am just not mindful of others.

 I know that I can't do anything more to fix this than what I have done, Though I wish I could do more. So at this point, I send you my love, my prayers, and leave it all in the capable hands of the Savior for fixing. He's the only one who can fix it, because he's the only one who knows both our pains exactly, and the only one with the power to heal those kinds of hurts.

 To anyone else in the past who I may have hurt, I say the same. Im sorry, I love you. Im trying to do better.
I shall leave with one last quote from the talk:  " Empathy is sincere love for self and our fellowmen. Henry David Thoreau said, “Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” If this were possible, I’m sure we could visit and help the widowed and fatherless and all who need our help with the pure love of Christ and thus be responsive to the needs of those around us." 

I am greatful for the lessons I am learning this year. I've learned so much, and usually the hard way, but I hope I have learned well. 

The Miracle of The Dead Battery

 So, In my previous post, I was left stranded at the camp site with a a car that wouldn't start, and I'll be honest- fasting headache. I had turned down a ride to the lodge for food, because I thought, well, I thought I really should fast a little longer. I waited an hour, and got another call from AAA saying the tow truck was delayed an hour. That was my last straw.

  I started out on a dusty road for a twenty minute walk to the lodge after fasting all day. I had no strength left, I was mentally, physically and emotionally done. I walked five minutes, and then I said a little prayer for a ride, because there was no way I was going to make it before the tow truck got there, and dinner was over.

 A nice woman drove by, and stopped and offered me a ride. I must have looked pretty down cast, because most people are walking for the fun of it at Ensign ranch.I was so greatful for the ride, It reminded me of what one of the visiting seventies had taught us earlier, that God is aware of us and our needs.

 I got to the ranch, and got some food. There wasn't much left, and the cups they had for water were super tiny.  I said a prayer and ended my fast.  As I looked around to go eat, I didn't see anyone I knew. They had all gone home. I wondered how I would get back down to my car in time for the tow truck, and then someone I knew appeared, and I told him the situation. He said he'd get food and be back to take me down.
 I sad down, and ate half of what was on my plate, and then the tow truck driver called. He was there an hour early - or actually right on the original time.  I had no ride to go back down, and I was a bit panicked.  I prayed in my heart and looked around and instantly spoted another friend who drove me to my car, with the tow truck guy following us.
 
 The tow truck guy had no problem jumping my car. Guess we just didn't have enough battery power going in before, He had a super jumper,so it was awesome. He was glad  I had been up at the gate, because he said he never would have found  the camp site.  
 
Finally I was free to go home.  As I did I had about an hour conversation with my Heavenly Father. There had been many miracles this weekend, and I know he had my back. Most of that conversation is private, of course, but I wanted to share a few things.

I feel like I've had some massive tenderizing of my heart this year. I feel likeI've been through a very unpleasnt process that I think eventually will make me more awesome.  But its been painful, and I am currently supper to possibly over  sensitive about everything. I talked with my Heavenly Father a bit about that, and some situations in my life that I currently view as impossible, just as Elder Christensen  had the bike.  But  I know even if this is a unicycle, that God has my back, and yeah, im still sensitive, and probably going to cry a lot, but I know God knows me, and is aware of my needs, and what is going to happen, far in advance of what I do. I think he knew my dream camping trip was never going to happen, and Ithink he knew just exactly how to turn  it into a positive experience with what I needed. I got everything I needed, and almost nothing that I had wanted.

 I know that with God nothing is impossible, and with his help I will learn to find balance and confidence so I can handle the seemingly impossible challenges of life, and together, I will learn to ride this bike like a pro.
Speaking of riding bikes, I did a lot of that this weekend, and I am now really sore. but I had so much fun, and I am so greatful for all the new friends I met, and the old friends I met up with, and  for a good friend or two  who took care of me from a far. I have been blessed with some pretty great friends.  

Dead battery

My friends and i just tried to jump my car. It didnt work. Ive sent them on their way, and im going to sit here and wait an hour for my aid from AAA to show up.

I guess God wanted me to have a little more time to sit here and reflect at Ensign ranch. Either that, or Im an idiot and let my phone charge too long because i fell asleep.

It was great all the talks today, abour how God is aware of us and our needs. They also talked alot about reconciliation if you arent getting along with someone. Thats pretty much it.

I feel like my life is a big mess right now, the harder i try to straighten it out, the bigger mess it gets. Im supper emotional, and this weekend has been good, but it didnt make me feel any more together than before.

I find myself in that horrible place where I am begging for love acceptace and help, and at the same time pushing people away hard. The more I want help the louder I screem "stay the H away from me" inside. Its interesting because we had a talk on that today, from one of the seventies.

Apparently, all anyone can do to help me right now is love me, and at times Im going to be difficult to love. But thats where I am. Stuck waiting, with a dead battery.

The bicycle of possibility

Elder christiansen just shared a story that was exactly what i needed to hear, about him learning to ride  a bike. On his own it was impossible, and it hurt a lot. Then his father came, and helped him, and held him up until he found his balance and confidence. With our heavenly fathers help, nothing is impossible. No matter how mpossible to us things may seem.

Sometimes, When God Locks a Door, He Sends Hachtel to Rescue You With A Teepee

Last night was lonely. I was in my perfect camp set up, my tent set up was amazing, comfortable, and reasonably warm. But all that couldnt compensate for how not fun camping alone is to me.
And then the rowdy old men moved in next door, and I really hated it.

This morning I woke up early, got ready, jumped on my bike in my rafting clothes and rode through the fog to the registration.  It was a long wait till we got on the road, to the river, or in a raft, but I met some cool people while I froze my butt off waiting.

It was at this point reality snapped me out of my non reality land, and I finally accepted the camping trip if been given, not the one id dreamed of.  I cant say much about the river right now. It was calm, I have funny tan lines, and it was worth every penny to go.

I felt like I really bonded with some people I may never meet again, and maybe its better that way. We had fun, and that was great. 

I came back to camp, went to choir and took a shower, then i went to dinner and met up with my old friend from the Ysa days, Tracy Hachtel. Awesome woman. I invited her and her sister and co back to my place for smores. They invited me to come stay the night in their teepee, and not be alone.

I said no, hopped on my bike and rode back to my camp. Half way there I realized I was an idiot. What was I holding on to? A lonely camp site? Why? Im sick of being alone. I informed them of my change of heart and an army promptly moved me to a teepee. Then we went to a dance where I danced with the only two guys I would have even wanted to dance with. I had a blast. It turns out, Mand was not meant to be alone.

Whats the bleeping point?

Im writing this from my tent. Im out camping, and im trying really hard to have a fun time, but im massively failing.

Last year, around this time of year I tried to push all my closest friends away. They didnt let me, and it started me of on the biggest year of change of my life.

In preperation for this camping trip, I went shopping for supplies with a friend. One of our topics of conversation was how much I have changed in the past year. She pegged it at about a 75% change in one years time.

I asked her if she thought I had changed for the better, and she did think so.

But lying here alone in my tent, I wonder if it is. Or maybe if it was too much too fast. Its been a hard year. Ive worked so hard and did so many  hard things, and Ive been blessed to have some amazing people come into my life.

I have one of the most supportive family wards a person could ever dream of, and an adopted family more loving and inclusive than i could have ever dreamed.

I had a miraculos and wonderful trip to Europe and was a part of something most amazing.

Dispite all this, Dispite the constant encouraging texts of love and support, Ive never felt more alone.  And dispite all the good changes Ive made, Its hard to see past all the short comings and failures i still have.

And so, just like all summer, the weekends i planned to have the greatest fun with people I love and care about Im alone, and it just doesnt seem worth the cost.

Im not going to give up, and Im not going to quit moving forward. Ill do the best I can to have a great time this weekend, but it all just seems so hollow.

I wish I were home, at least there I have a fuzzy white dog that loves me to bits no matter what I say or do. With him, Im never alone. Im never such a big jerk that he wont forgive me in an instant and go back to wagging his tail and being happy.

Maybe Ill become a dog lady. I think I piss people off too easy. Well, enough tears for one night. I have river rafting in the morning. Lights out.

Prep for camping like a,mad mand

Last night, one of my friends had the rare privillage to go shopping in preperation for a camping trip. I have no idea what she thought of the experience, but here is what I would have thought if I were her.

My shopping style consists not of lists or any normal way of knowing what i need, but of knowing which sections of wal-mart I need to get stuff from and then wondering down the isles asking "Do I need this?" It takes about an hour to two hours.

I started out in cosmetics. I bought a lot of cosmetics, considering this is a camping trip. Am I camping, or glamping? You may wonder.  I am going for somewhere in between obviously, because its a singles campout, and im going it alone, and im hoping to meet friends not drive them away.

Next we moved on to outdoors. I needed propane tanks. No fires at all this year, so i borrowed a camp stove, and it needs propane. As i wondered down the camping isle, i added a first aid kit. Im gonna be a back up boat captain on the rafting trip, heaven help us all. (but dont tell my boat that). We looked at other things. Should i get more sunscreen? No. What about a snake bite kit? That one I had to think about. Two years ago on this same trip me and my friend happened upon a snake in the road, we got close because i thought it was a stick, then i screemed and we ran away. But, I dont want to think about that. No, no snake bite kit.  I considered water proof bags, for the rafting trip. I forgot to get a squirt gun.

We moved on to electronics, where i realized i had no idea what toner cartridge my printer needs. I will be returning for that and the squirt gun tonight. Never raft unarmed, ive seen The River Wild.

Next we headed to food. Here the real conundrums set in. No fire. Id normally get a lot of things that only taste good on a fire, when you are camping, but no fire. I got marshmellows and fudgestripe cookies any way. From this point out, ever five minutes I'd ask? Do I want hotdogs? Then I'd say, "No, no fire."

My friend began to question my sanity. "I think you want hot dogs" she said  "yeah, but no fire" I said. "I wont eat them, no fire" we wondered through food, I picked up tinfoil, beef jerky. I thought about more cookies and candy, then I felt unhealthy, so i grabbed potatoes and mushrooms and peppers to go with all my meat, cheese and chips.

Im gonna need a good knife. Why do i want to do potatoes? Im gonna need half my kitchen to cook all this.

With everything Im bringing its a good thing im driving up alone and have my tent to myself for storage space. I'll make friends to help me eat all this, Who am I kidding, Im bringing a cot. I am glamping!!!! I guess when you reach 30, you become a wimp, and decided you are done roughing it. Well, at least Im back up boat captain, I havent lost my sense of adventure entirely.

Leaving Candy Crush To Visit April 1982

I've probably meant to share something with you for two days now, but every time I get on the computer to write my blog, Im distracted by putting colorful candies into groups of three or more in columns and rows, and then I forget why I wanted to write.

 Im out of lives, and I still have a half hour till I have to be somewhere, so now I think I remember.

It all started Sunday, when after having a really hard time for months now, I finally decided to go get a blessing. So I did. I only have one relevant thing from that to share- I was told to remember the important things I learned on my mission.  The next morning I woke up with a feeling I haven't really had in a while, a feeling I got a lot on my mission. I woke up with the feeling that if I had faith, followed the spirit, and so forth I would have faith that could make miracles happen in my life and the lives of others.  As I pondered this I realized that was one of the greatest things I learned on my mission, God is very aware of me, and my needs, and of others, and if I listen, he helps both of us, or all of us, or many of us at once, by inspiring me to go where I am needed and do what I should.

 I'll mention one more thing from the blessing, I was told to imerse myself in the scriptures and the words of the prophets.So instantly when I got on the bus, I decided to hit the scriptures on my LDS whats it app. (thats for you grandma B, plus I really dont remember what the app is called, so we'll call it a whats it in your honnor).

Any way, I decided to go to Moroni 7, because that is a great place to start if you have faith and miracles on the brain. So I did and it was great.  Then I went to work and didn't want to listen to conference while working yet, so I listened to the Celine Dion station of pandora, where God sent me subtle  reminders to listen to the words of the prophets.  mainly with this song...

So, after that song finished, I said, Ok fine, but I dont know where to start. Then I had a thought. If I dont know where to start, I should start with the first conference of my life and move forward. So I did. I found some of the most perfect talks for me right now. But first I found two very monotone talks that were hard to listen to. I almost gave up, till I talked to my mom. Glad I didn't because these were just what I needed...

This is No Harm- Marvin J. Ashton

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/05/this-is-no-harm?lang=eng

it is on the importance of honesty, and what it means to be truly honest. I loved this talk. It has been my goal this year to become absolutely honest with myself, with God and with others. And this talk gave me a chance to reflect on that goal, and how I am doing. 

Begin Again- Elder Hugh Pinnock

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/05/beginning-again?lang=eng

This talk was about starting over when you make a mistake, not beating yourself up, but trusting Christ, moving forward, and forgiving yourself and others. I have spent a lot of the past few months beating myself up, so It was time to begin again. This was by far my favorite talk of the morning.  so i will share his eight points. First, eliminate from our thinking and our vocabulary the phrase “if only I had done something differently.”

Second, do not wait for tomorrow to begin again

Third, resolve to live the gospel of Jesus Christ in its entirety

Fourth, face reality.Sometimes we wish we could fly from our troubles.  Some try to fly away physically, and others try to do so emotionally. That does not solve problems. The only true escape route is marked with the sign “personal responsibility.” 

(I think this reminds me a bit of the first and third talks on honesty)

Fifth, approach our challenges positively!

Sixth, don’t begin again partially. Be complete!

Seventh, be open and candid in your relationships with others. So many of life’s difficulties are brought about by being double-minded. Let us learn to say it as it is.The person who is open and honest will be vindicated. Time is his friend. Trust is his reward.

(again, this reminds me of the two talks on truth)

Last, and perhaps the hardest of all, forgive. 

Probably that is the most important step too. forgive- yourself, and others.

We Believe in Being Honest- Elder Mark E. Peterson

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/05/we-believe-in-being-honest?lang=eng

I spot a theme developing. Another great talk on what it means and why we must tell the truth, even if its hard to do, and may seem to cause greater problems in the short run of things.

and one more favorite...

True Greatness (then Elder) Howard W.Hunter

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/05/true-greatness?lang=eng

I really loved this talk, especially learning what a trophy was, and how to become great.

I got all the way through the Saturday sessions. I now intend to listen to every Conference address broadcast in my lifetime. It was intersting to hear them talk of Marriage and family- focusing on problems of rising divorce, and even they brought up pornography back then. It was way cool to know in my life time thus far that church membership has increased by 10 million members. Temples more than quadrupled, and that back in the day they had so little to worry about when reading statistics, they even said how many deacons and teachers there were in the church.          

                                                                                                 

This was a very interesting opportunity to learn some new things, and I am glad I had that inspiration, it was just what I needed to hear. I can't wait to hear what other surprises the Lord has in store for me, and tender mercies, and miracles.                                                                                                                                 

Fiery Darts

 Have you ever felt like you had a target on your back? Like the Adversery was using you for fiery dart target practice?  Do you ever feel like " mighty winds"  or "shafts in the whirlwinds" or "all his hail and mighty storms"are beating down upon you?

 What can you do when you feel like that? If you build upon that rock writen about in Hel 5, It just says you'll weather the storm, it doesn't say you'll see fluffy bunnies and feel comfy coasy, just that you'll weather it.

Nephi says the key to fiery darts is the word of God. What about those times when you redouble your efforts to "hold to the rod" and are digging into the word of God and read your scriptures, and then you just feel that fiery dart practice gets doubled too?

 There are two more scriptures on fiery darts, One in the passage to Joseph Smith after he had lost the 180 pages. It says   in D & C 3 that if you are faithful, God will extend his arm and support you against  all the fiery darts of the advesary, and in  D&C 27 we read that its the sheild of faith that quenches these darts.

 None of these say you wont feel any of the heat, basically you will survive it, and be less injured by it. Here is where I randomly throw in some Pink lyrics.
 "where there is disire there is gonna be  a flame, when there is a flame then you're gonna get burned. Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. you gotta get up  and try, try try."

obviously the less you expose yourself to the fiery dart, the less its gonna burn, but sometimes that sheild of faith gets a little heated up. Don't drop it, hold on. you're not gonna die,  because as long as you are holding on to that shield, God wil extend his arm and support you against those fiery darts.

Sometimes life just feels like you are on the wrong end of target practice. It does that.  Its important to know that you can survive, and how to survive when it does.

  There are two scriptures about when people were depressed and about ready to give up.
Ammon and his bretheren on their missions:
"now when our hearts were depressed and we were about to turn back, behold the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy bretheren the Lamanites and bear with patience thine afflictions and i will give unto you success."

and  When Helemans armies came just in time for some very battle weary Nephite soldiers :
" yea and they were depressed in body as well as in spirit, for they had fought valiantly by day and toiled by night to maintain their citties; and thus they had suffered great afflictions of every kind. And they were determined to conquer in this place or die; therefore you may well suppose that this little force which I brought with m, yea, those sons of mine, gave them great hopes and much joy.

 Sometimes, Gods hand is directly seen swatting off those arrows for us, and sometimes, he sends in a little band of angels to give us great hopes and much joy.  You are still going to have to tough out the battle, but if you trust him, you wont die from it.

 I think, out of everyone I know, there are a lot of us feeling like target practice.  I'm gonna get all Michael McClean on you right now.... Hold on, the light will come. Keep fighting. I think I've seen this talk quoted many times as well  from Elder Holland:  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/10/an-high-priest-of-good-things-to-come?lang=eng     or  the shorter mormon messages version https://www.lds.org/church/good-things-to-come?lang=eng

It was given, for fiery dart kind of days.  So if you are having one, read it, watch it.  and "“Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.” Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ,they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." 

 You can't become a great sword without a forgers fier. You can't become a tasty cake without and oven and some heat,  you can't become what God wants you to without weathering some crazy storms and some fiery dart attacks,  but He is the master sword maker guy,  he is greater than a master chef or a top chef, or a top chef master, and he wont let you burn as a cake.  That temperature is going to get hot, but he wont over do it, just remember what you are becoming. 

You Know Why You Are Awesome?

 Do you know why you are awesome?
There are many reasons, which I wont go into here,
but there is one reason I will.

 You are awesome, because you are my friend.
No, its not because I am awesome and I choose only the most awesome friends,
though one could argue that.

You are awesome because you are my friend,
and if you are still my friend after all these years,
I have undoubtably put you through some crap.
I've probably tried to push you away.
I've probably been mean, or crazy a bit.
I've probably said something that could have hurt or offended you,
or I've been selfish or inconsiderate of your feelings, or some how broke your trust.
I never meant to, but I do stuff like that.

So if you are still my friend, it means you love me even though I'm not perfect,
even though I'm human- maybe even because I'm human.
You loved me and forgave me when I was a selfish doo doo head.
And you know what, I love you for that. I love you for loving me so much.
and I love you even more when you let me know I am being a doo doo head
so that I can fix it.  Becasue I dont like being a doo doo head.
I like being your friend. =)

Chillin In An Airport, Glad Its Not Toronto

The Toronto pearson airport has got to be the most boreing awful place a person could ever be trapped for a seven hour layover. I can tell you I will go to great lengths to never have to go there ever again.

That said, Im not in Toronto, and I have an hour till my plane leaves, so Im pretty happy and the magic of air travel has returned.

One thing Ive learned on my recent travels is that every country seems to do security different. What you need to take out, how they check you, etc. wouldnt it be nice if they atleast standardized what you need to take out of your bag? I found that very confusing.

Any way, today was quite simple, and it only took me fifteen minutes to get through.

I took link (light rail) directly from work to the airport. It was a nice short easy  half hour ride. The only problem I had was it looks like the homeless people have been using the stair wells of the lightrail station as a urinal, and all the escalators were down so I had to dog dried  pee stains.

Now im in, ive got my earplanes so my ears wont suffer pain and hearing loss from this flight (ive narrow eustaschion tubes-thanks dad  ;-) ). I've had my dinner, and I now have my first copy of a marie claire magazine to pass my time. I guess all my watching project runway made me a sucker for subliminal advertising. Thanks Nina Garcia!  That combined with an intreguing article about Zooey Deschanel. oh my! Who have I become?

Oh well, embrace change, right? Well, one last chance for a real bathroom for 2.5 hrs. Im off.

Peace, out.

If People Came With Instructions

I once thought I was an incredibly easy to read person, whos heart was proudly displayed on her sleeve.

In the past year, I've come to realize that may not so much be the case. I do have some friends who are very talented at spotting my moods. I think this is probably due to them being similarly inclined in their range of moods as me, and because they are observant and care.

Some days, I think Im really obviously irratable. Those are the days I have people say to me "oh, i couldnt tell, you seemed perfectly cheery to me."

Well people, it may be time we learned that people cannot read our minds and a little communication helps a lot.

Like say for instance, if instead of going silent and isolating myselg, and hunkering down waiting for someone to intrude my solitude and incure my wrath, maybe I could just tell people, hey, im having a difficult day, i really need to focus and not be disturbed, could you email or message me rather than coming up and interupting me?

Thats one thought.
Any way, this post is going to be about me. So heres some instructions for you.

1. If Im singing, im probably in a decent mood. Unless all the songs are depressing, I may be sad, but if im singing about it, Im approachable...unless...

2. If I start singing in my car, talking and listening is done. Sing along, and we can talk after this song.

3.If I feel there is some unresolved issue between us, i will want to talk about it until its fixed. If you cut me off from resolving it, with out at least a little talking, or a time frame of when we can talk, all I am going to do is think about what I want to talk about with you until we can have that conversation. It will drive me insane.

4.I dont like big dramatic exits and entrances into and out of my life. I also don't like to make big dramatic entrances and exits from others lifes. Any leaving on a bad note will reference right back to number 3. I hate conflict and drama, and when I feel things are unresolvable, I get dramatic and I hate that.

5. If I ever say I need space, give me three days to a week by myself, and then a graduated reentry to your life.

6. If you say you need space, and its going to be more than a week or two, you need to provide specific instructions of what you expect-
  A) if we meet up by accident
   Are we being civil? Or pretending the other doesnt exist?

B)if there is a social gathering we both will likely attend, same question.

C) do you plan with time that this should eventually be resolved and we will be ok, or is this to be a contenuous thing? If this is for the long hall, and you really dont want me to keep trying to fix it, I recomend that you gradually fade out, or be very clear and direct about the fact we are now mortal enemies.

I can read social cues, and play the guess in the moment game, but most likely the thought of running into you and not knowing what will be expected of me will cause me so much anxiety that im going to be a big grouch to you and everyone for the entire event and then some.

7. If you tell me that you will reply to me by a certain date, or that we should plan to do something on a certain date, and that time aproaches, and passes without me hearing a word from you, i will probably freak out on you, because dispite my best efforts to think positive, I jumped to the worst possible conclusion.
Just tell me it will be delayed and an approximate new date and I will be fine and not do this.
If you just forgot, and you get a feeaked out response from me like  what happened? Are you ok? Why havent I heard from you?
Go ahead and just say you forgot, but reasure me (if it really is true) that you want to do it, and set another time. If you jake me twice, i will probably take it personally, so if you need to change again let me know as soon as possible.    

On these same lines, on behalf of a friend that mentioned this, if you miss someones wedding because you forgot, unlesz you are close friends and were expected, dont mention it, they didnt notice you werent there any way and you just made it worse. If you are a close friend, youd better have a valid excuse, a present, and be preparred to show you are truely sad, and then, move on. Dont dwell on it.

8. If you are my friend, and I missed your wedding reception because some men in kilts were throwing big polls, i keep bringing it up because i really am sorry, and feel very bad about my poor time management skills. I will do my best to not bring it up again.

9. I like to get really awkward things over with as quickly as possible. If you like to drag them out, im going to make it twenty times more awkward for you, because its going to build in my head while you stall.
  
10. If you forgot my name, ask me. I probably forgot yours too, and will welcome the chance to find out again. I didnt forget your face
, or the personal details you told me, just your name. Im horrible at names.

11. If you want to know something about me ask. I have a whole lot of awkward in my life I like to talk about and share, but dont, because I dont want to make you feel awkward with my weirdness.

12. If you dont know what to ask, but want to know more about 11, just say, tell me more about 11.

13. I like communication, but i am often misunderstood. If i say anything or do anything that you feel hurtby, take offense to, or are weirded/creeped out by, ask me. Im pretty honest about things, and i'll let ya know what i intended.

14. If ever I am not communicating clearly, and you want to know whats going on in my head, ask, and ye shall recieve.

15. If im angry, give me space, if im sad give me a hug, if im tired give me a nap, if im hungry, dont give me mint or avocados, but give me food or a chance to get food, if Im happy, dance and sing with me, and if im lonely, come and rescue me. If im needing to reflect, let me walk alone. If your not sure what I need, ask. Ill try to just tell you. If I tell you what I need, just know that its because I dont expect you to read my mind.

Love to you all,

Mandi

Ps Id like to add that this is not passively agressively directed at anyone. Its simply what i have learned from my life experience, and some of it was from a very positive experience recently where a few people did some things right and my stress was reduced, my patience increased, and things got resolved better than usual.

Open, Honest Communication

I have this really crazy idea, that has become my life Philosophy, that if people take the time to communicate with each other completely openly and honestly, with caring, patience and a desire to truely understand the other persons point of view, and work through things, if people did that, i feel like about 90% of all problems could be solve.

I feel like if peope faced reality, rather than running from it, life would be a lot less scarry.

Its kind of funny, but I think we as human beings like to live in alternative realities, because we imagine reality to be more scary than it is, we think "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!!"

The funny thing is, I've noticed something, we tend to make our alternative realities either way better or way worse than the truth, and though truth can be hard to swollow, I would say, its always better than when reality comes crashing through our greatest dreams, or than living in the terror of our nightmares.

So, even though in real life, my open honest communication technique doesnt work as idealy as i always imagine, i still feel its a far better way to live than in the worst case senario that my unchecked brain will inevitably create to fill a vacume of communication and the void of lifes ambiguities.

Crazy as it is, I still think the truth sets us free.

Sad Songs Say So Much

As I was on my way home tonight, jewel came on the radio singing Foolish Games. Its one of those songs that everytime I hear it, I just have to sing along, and then hear it again. Its one of those songs that just feel like someone took my deepest sorrows and pains of my soul and by the power of its music, its bitter sweetness, my soul and my pains are expressed then healed.

In honnor of this, here is my top twelve Sad Songs that heal my wounded soul, in whatever order I think of them.
12. Supperman - Five for Fighting
11. Hello World -Lady Antibellum
10. Foolish Games -Jewel
9. Dont speak - no doubt
8. My Imortal- evanessance
7. Everybody Hurts- R.E.M.
6. Hurt - Johny Cash
5.be still my soul - mo tab choir
4. Jar of Hearts Christina Perry
3. The one That Got Away -Katie Perry

2.The Dance - Garth Brooks
1. I'm Moving on - Rascal Flats  

What are yours?

Dew Town Mandi

I dont know about you, but me and my friends are all big fans of the hit brittish drama Downton Abbey. Well, this post isnt really about downton abbey, but it will have at least as much drama.

So, this week, ive already been a little on the dramatic side. Im angry, irrational, sad, and the suddenly bouncing off the walls crazy enough that one of my friends was like "I think Mandi is drunk" I wasnt drunk, but yeah, it pretty much seemed like it.

In a much milder version than today this has been my week. I am partly going to blame it on a lack of sleep, for staying up to talk to Mindaugas, but that doesnt account for the past two days where i went to bed earily because i felt exhausted.

So it cant all be sleep. Im just a little whacky and crazy this week, no reason.

In another long side note, my friends have repeatedly banned me from cafeine and large quantities of sugar over the years, because i get bounce off the walls, laugh at nothing, run laps around the building crazy when i consume small amounts of cafeine or large amounts of sugar, or any combination of the two. Then i start crashing, and i tell everyone i love them, and i start crying over everything.

Considering that without exess sugar, or any cafeine, i have kind of been that way already this week, the decission i made this morning/afternoon to drink mountain dew (i cant handle even a regular coca cola), and then eat jello with whipped cream and nothing else, probbably seems really foolish to you. But hey, its been a rough week and i just didnt care.

So the first thing that happened after doing the dew this morning, was that i started to get really angry about how unfaire life is and how i keep ruining my life and im an idiot.

Then came the fun part, right around time to get the mail i started bouncing off the walls of my brain, and the room. Seriously, if there hadn't been a bomb scare yesterday i probably would have run laps around the building. But i didnt want to get tackled by the gards, so i did the mail instead, and the other secretaries were impressed with my speed and enthisiasm. About a half hout or so later i started to crash.

This wad marked by an increase of messaging to family and friends  telling them how much i loved them ( this was when i finally took my lunch break and ate something other than jello).

  And every time i did this, i cried buckets of real tears and spoke of the good ol days before i messed everything up and pushed everyone away. Because it was my fault people moved away, got married, went to school, because im a bad friend and i drive people away. (I was aware that I was being completely irrational.)

Finally, in artistic desperation, i took a plate, put creamy penut butter on it, and sent a picture of it to my friends and said, this is how i feel when i miss you.

Dont ask me what that means, i really dont know. I didnt know then, and i have no idea now. I then ate all the penut butter off the plate, went back to work and drank some water.

Currently, I have a horrendous headche. Im still crying, and my stomach kind of hurts and I feel horrible, though slightly more rational, and very very tired.

Please dont ever let me drink mountain dew. And if you do, take away my phone, computer, and any humans i could interact with that will think im crazy, because i feel shame after thay level of crazy.

Strangely, my co workers didnt notice. But most of this happened when they went to lunch.

If you cant stop me from doing the Dew, can you do me o favor? Film it. This could be better than that mormon kid that they filmed getting his wisdom teeth out.

Well, I really do miss my friends, so im gonna go cry some more then take a nap. Thats the story of what happens when mandi goes to Dew town. 

Sometimes I Play Games

 I just came from a presidency meeting. For about five minutes I was all fired up to go correct the rolls. Then Facebook sent me a notice, I've got a candy crush request, and five song pop requests.  Hum, Up date the roll books and all that boring stuff? or waste time playing games on facebook?

 Well, here's how I feel sometimes (this doesn't have really anything to do with the meeting, I just feel this way). I feel like no matter what I do or sacrifice, I will always be that selfish, time wasting irresponsible single person who doesn't get things done and will never have their time be as important as all the married people, or people with kids. So I'm in a mood at the moment, so I'm gonna play a game, BECAUSE I CAN AND I WANT TO,  DAMN IT!!. 

 I'll let you in on a secret though,  I talked to my counselor today about what I thought were my "commitment issues" and he seemed thoroughly convinced that I was the last person on the planet that would have commitment issues.  In fact,  opposed to some who have called me too picky, those who know me best will say I am too determined and I try too hard.  Yup, I have no problem with commitment. I have plenty of other issues though. So In that meeting, I committed to update the phone listings, etc.  So, I'm gonna play one game, and then I'm gonna update the lists. 

 Whether or not my therapist thought that the 40 days thing was a good idea is, well we'll will just say he is undecided at the moment- I can be rather convincing,  ha ha.  He was against it at first. Any way,  Its been interesting so far and that is all I will say. I have some candy crush to play. 

 this is the most random post about nothing. If you got anything out of this post you are either a genius or insane. 

Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

 I think yesterday was an interesting point in time where I came to a sudden realization that people can be really mean to each other.

Its something we all do, intentionally or unintentionally, we hurt each other, often. But, what makes things worse is that we usually react to that hurt by creating more of it.

I've been listening to some really great historical pod casts lately, and I am feeling rather informed about how stupid people are, as well as how great they can be.  And I don't want to focus too much on the negative, people are amazing, and awesome, and full of potential for love, and deep friendships, and great things. But, too often we meet people who become our best friends, until we hit a speed bump. Some human quality becomes apparent, and suddenly their weakness is all we can see. We make assumptions, usually to the worst possible scenario, and turn a mole hill into a mountain.  Mole hills are legitimate problems, living here in Washington, I now know that. Eradicating that problem takes a lot of work and can be quite difficult, but its not a mountain, it can be removed.

 And often, I think that's how some of our best friends become our worst frienmies, and if both sides cant come together- like adults, with good communication, and a desire to see the good over the bad, and with a bit of humility, Frienemies become bitter worst enemies in a deep embittered hatred that goes on for GENERATIONS.

  Here's the thing, Some people are legitimately poisonous to your life. You should probably cut them out, and not have anything to do with them. However, you have to allow them the possibility of change.
We have to start understanding that you cant know the butterflies if you wont put up with caterpillars. From time to time, we will legitimately hurt one another, and some people are best cut out of our lives. No one should make themselves a doormat heaping continual hurt upon continual hurt to save a friendship or relationship that the other person has no interest in saving, but a lot of friendships, marriages and other relationships get severed that never needed to.

  A word on gossip. I firmly believe that sometimes we just need to vent, and to bounce our thinking off a third party, and make sure we aren't being crazy. However, when the intent of that becomes to turn someone against another, or convince them we are right and someone else is wrong, then that is gossip in my opinion. Not just saying negative things, we all have bad stuff happen in life, and we need to get it out, but when your intent becomes to hurt or damage the other person, or their reputation with others in retaliation for how you feel you have been wronged, that is wrong, and eventually the other person will find out about it, so you probably should have just had the discussion with them to begin with.

  I think its time we each recognize that no one on this planet is perfect, but the majority of people i know aren't intentionally malicious toward one another, and we'd do well to try to remember that when we feel hurt by someone. Do you think your best friend really was trying to hurt you and bring pain in your life? Or is there a chance they still love and care about you, but they are here learning and making mistakes just as you do? It takes two to fight, and I will not be one of the two, but i also wont be a door mat, and neither should you. Sometimes, after all you can do, you just have to walk away for a time, but that time doesn't have to be eternal, nor should it be bitter, nor should they be your enemy.

  When i was seven, my parents cut ties with my grandma. That was a difficult decision, and i know they didn't like making it. However, it was not in our best interest to continue associating with my grandma. Seven years later, i missed my grandma a lot, and worried she would die with out knowing i still loved her. So i got out the phone book, and without my parents permission called her. I got an answering machine, so i just left a message saying i wanted her to know i loved her and missed her. Later that year, my parents got a letter from her, i got an angel pin, and slowly and cautiously contact was resumed. My grandma had changed. She wasn't perfect, by any means, but enough had changed, then slowly, year by year she changed more, and the grandma i last saw had become a living miracle and testimony to me that people can change, and love can heal and build a bridge.

  Love, not time, heals all wounds, pure love, the love of Christ. Ive seen a lot lately of gossip and how it can hurt people. Gossip, in my opinion is talking negatively about someone else with the intent to injure their reputation, to turn others against them, or to get others on your side. It is different than venting, which should be getting feelings out so that you can understand, articulate, and work through problems, mainly with the intent of finding out if your hurts are real, or imagined, and determining the best manner of working through it with the party that caused the injury. Including the best way to talk to the person, without escalating the situation.

  I don't believe most of us want to hurt each other, but we often do. Maybe we should remember that when we feel hurt, and maybe we should think, if the person were here would I want them to hear what I'm saying? I think we can do better. I think we can be more honest, more loving, and we can build stronger friendships. No, you don't really want to hurt me, and i don't want to hurt you. But sometimes we do.