Why I Want To Be Good And Scared On Halloween

I have a friend that runs this online scary story for children magazine, called Underneath the Juniper Tree. That friendship has brought me a deeper love and appreciation for all that is good about facing your fears real, or imagined.

The past year has given me many opportunities to do just that, and im glad for that, but Im having a little problem, because its halloween, and Ive yet to feel good and truly scared. Because I used to get scared so easily, this has kind of been a disapointment.

Now, before i go any further, let me clarify this ( yes, that is a ghost and mr. Chicken reference). I will never be a haunted house, or a gorey chainsaw movie kind of person, thats not what I am looking for. Also, those of you who recently watched movies with me know I still scream when things jump out, and hide behind my pillow in anticipation and fear of the horrible thing that I think is going to happen.

I enjoyed the movies Ive watched this year, but Im looking for something more, and heres why,..

In the past when I was scared so easily, I am quite sure it was because of how scared I was of my own life. Ive faced much of that now, and its harder to out weigh what I faced.

I think we all want to be scared to some level on halloween because we know its fiction, for one, and because we want to be able to stand back and say, well at least its less terrifying than reality.

I want to be good and scared at some point tonight, in a psychological way, just for that reason, and for the reason that i think its important to face your fears, because when you face them they become less scary.

I want to see something I know is fiction, and have it be more scary to me than my own life and nightmares so I can stand back for a moment and say, see self, reality really is quite managable, because its less scary than that.

Thanks For The Love

Sometimes, It can be hard to love yourself. Sometimes we look at ourselves, and all we see are the flaws, or even what we perceived as flaws, which aren't even flaws at all. Sometimes we don't let people love us, even though they want to, and we think we are doing them a service by denying them the privilege of knowing us better. Sometimes we hid, thinking ... if people knew the real me they wouldn't like it. Sometimes, we are just plain being stupid. Christ said "let your light shine."

 To all those who said you wouldn't let me push you away, to all those who said I was a good friend when I thought not,  to all those who have pledged that they are still and always will be my friend, to those who spoke up and shared stories to give me faith, and hope on a dark day, to all those who love me, especially when I am being difficult to love, Thank you. I know you love me, and I believe you. I will do my best to allow you the privilege of chillin' with me on caterpillar days, so we can still chill when I am a beautiful butterfly. I love you too. I have the best friends on the planet, and that is what the last six months have taught me.

 I'm still probably going to have bad days, occasionally I'll still try to push you away. I would be lying if I said other wise, and I hate lies. But because you loved me,  I believed you,  and because I believe you, I also believe God when he says he loves me too.  I think I struggled with that till this year, but some how, you made his message more clear. At times, life is like that, we all struggle to let someone near.

  Its hard to say, what a difference one person can make, when the image of  Christ, on a heart is engraved.  One persons words by the spirit prompted, sincerely and honestly spoken, can bring so much light to a life that feels broken.

 Christ heals us all, he is the only one, but sometimes, we are his hands, when someone really needs a hug. And lets face it, we all could use a hug. 

Bitter Sweet Release''

Today I was released from two callings. Then I was called to two more. I will not lie, Being Primary Secretary was one of the most physically and mentally challenging callings I have ever had. I'd also say it was a spiritual challenge, as I spent a great deal of time running around the church on Sundays, and rarely got to hear talks, or sing songs. It was a lot to do. Considering I started out that calling both being Secretary and teaching CTR 6,  It was less exhausting at the end than it was in the beginning.

 I was released from both primary worker and Secretary today, so I am now out of the primary. Part of me- is pretty happy about this. I get to go to Relief Society, and I dont have to assign anyone to give primary talks. But another part of me is really really sad. I actually feel this calling was a really great blessing. Not having kids of my own, and not living near my neices and nephews, and having spent a good deal of my last decade in YSA wards, my experience, and confidence in working with children was near zero when I came in. 

 This calling has been a great blessing, because I have gained a lot of confidence in working with children, babysitting children, entertaining children, and appreciating children.You know whats great about kids? The can really just show you so much love when you need it. I love all the high fives I got, and sometimes hug attacks/ambushes when I was trying to get things ready for opening exercises on Sunday mornings. I loved being able to sit by someone who was acting out, and to just take a minute to listen to their simple problems- which were massive to them, and just help them feel a little better about life. its amazing, even the cute girl who thinks my name is "Sister Megan" just makes my day. She may not say my name correctly, but I know she looks up to me a little, and that makes me want to try a little harder to stand a little taller. 

  I as with all things, I think the Lord knows what he was doing. I think the timing of this release is just right, but I am grateful for the chance I had to get to know some amazing kids, and gain a little bit more confidence.  I am excited for my two new callings, as it seems the Lord always wants me to have two any more- ward bulletin person, and Single Adult Rep.  After talking to the bishop, we decided I can be called the "Bulleteer"  I think that's a much cooler name.  I finally feel Im in a place I can make a real difference with the Single Adults, because I am actually comfortable with , and participating in Single Adult activities, which are really incredibly great.  I dont know about being "bulleteer" but, Im sure theres something great I can learn from that two. It may be two callings, but maybe its a calling that will let me just breath a little, and I think I may need that now. 

 To my many many friends in primary- both  teachers and children, Im gonna miss working with you each Sunday. Its been my pleasure. I think some of the most incredible people are in the Primary, and they have become some of my greatest friends, and always will be. I think though, I may need to make a few new friends, and see if I can't help grow that single adult FHE so that so many people from Silverdale are going, that our stake can have its own Single Adult FHE. That would be cool.  any way, mixed thoughts and feelings today. I will miss the special spirit of primary for sure, but I may need a good RS lesson or two to fill my canteen a  bit.

Buying Tires, Like A Big Girl

I have always been a fairly independant person, except when it comes to dealing with any kind of sales person, or getting any kind of work done on my car in an actual automotive shop.

I dont like being pressured to buy things, or make important decissions with someone staring me down.  I never do anything having to deal with my car in a professional place without my dad, brother, or a male friend.

I have a confession to make right here and now. Im fairly knowledgable about cars, i can change my own oil, jump my own battery, and any other normal maitenance thing, but i have no confidence about it, and i get intimidated quite easily by people who know more. Considering i come from a family of car people, and car people and mormons pretty much sum up the groups of people i interacted the most with until i was about 20, and car people dropped out of that picture a litte, i should be brimming with confidence. I do know stuff.

I have always been afraid of getting ripped off in car places, because im a girl. Still have that fear, even though the person selling me tires today was a woman, and i totally did my home work before coming in to get said tires.

But, today is a big day, because courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that something is more important than fear. Driving around safely, and in a timely fashion has become more important, so i am here. In a tire shop. By myself. And i chose my own tires. My dad isnt here to hold my hand and do it for me. Neither is anyone else.

It would appear, at three months from 32, I have finally grown up and become an adult. Good job me. Five gold stars, and yay!! New tires.

Hi HO!

Hi Ho, Hi ho, its off to work I go....

 So how do you feel about that Mandi?
Well, I'd like to start out by saying that last night one of my friends advised me that if I start conversing with myself, I should stop, because I dont need that in my life right now. But then we agreed as long as I dont do it in public its fine. A blog isn't public. Its quite private, so I will now interview myself about the shutdown, and the re-open.

 So, Mandi, Tomorrow you go back to work? what are your thoughts and feelings on that?

-Well Mandi, My initial thoughts and feelings on that are that I had plans for tomorrow, to mow my friends lawn in the fog shine, and play with my dog, inside. he's an inside dog. Im pretty sad that I now don't get to do that. As much as I love sitting in an office and paying my bills, the past few weeks have shown me what I really love to do is either work outside, by myself or with one other person, or translate french family history documents inside with one other person, or bake with one other person and maybe some small children around, surprise friends with goodies, or, sit on my bed cuddle with my dog and watch shows that have David Tennant or Tim Gunn in them. I also like to clean things, play guitar, learn things, sing, oh yeah, and sleep in until 8 or 9 am.  I like 8  to 9 hrs of sleep.

 Therefore, the thought of waking up at 4:30, leaving my cute fuzzy friend alone in the cold darkness, and getting on a bus or a ferry  so  i can sit in an office where im surrounded by people who may want to interact with me on a group basis, and at times in an over whelming fashion, while looking out the window at the sunshine that I dont get to feel or experience kind of scares me and makes me sad.

 But Mandi, wont you be relieved to have money in to pay  your bills?

 -yes. That is why Iwill wake up and part with my puppy. and that is the only reason I will part with my puppy, to buy us food and pay rent.

Mandi, is it true that this time alone might have made you a bit  crazy and unhinged?

- Seriously? I am interviewing myself in a blog. Also, I have lost the ability to focus on anything the last few days because  of stress, and I am pretty sure for the duration of this furlough (though it may have started before that) I CRY ABOUT EVERYTHING- happy? Cry,  Sad? cry, stressed? cry  Confused? cry.  every other emotion in between? CRY CRY CRY!! and then create something awesome.  yes, I am getttin a bit weird. Ok Yes, maybe I need to go back to work so that I can do things like- know what day it is, or remember to eat three meals, or learn how to interact with people, like big groups of people, without crying.

 So, Mandi, how would you sum up your feelings about returning to work tomorrow?

_Mixed. thats all. Mixed. And happy I saved my ten dollar starbucks gift card. Im pretty sure i will need a salted carmel hot chocolate tomorrow.

 -

Freaking Out About Everything, and Trying to calm down.

This is a blog to inform you, that after two weeks without going to counseling, after two weeks of govt shut down, after two weeks of calmly and  patiently waiting and handling and enjoying life I am now reaching melt down, and I am freaking out about EVERYTHING no matter how stupid to freak out about it is, and I am now trying to calm down.

 Trying be the operative word. Actually, my freaking out, is kind of funny, because it comes with an inabilty to think or focus on anything productively. If you talk to me I may not here you. I went skating, and I think I just went in a circle most of the time, even though my coach reminded me that I can in fact skate,and should probably mix it up a bit. Im doing a lot of blank stares. If you get me to talk, its either going to be slightly negative, or I will talk a million miles an hour about EVERY little thing that is causing the littlest bit of stress or discomfort in my life

 To calm down, im going to continue to avoid my stress by watching the voice. Probably wont help, but I dont care, Im  watching. Im kind of hooked.

Jump Roping Barefoot

 Well, I'm still home. Actually in some ways, I have come to see this furlough time as a blessing. For the first time since the Furlough began, I decided to wake up and exercise. I've been Ice skating, that was awesome. Great work out, and very calming. I've done a fair amount of yard work, so I've been too exhausted to "work out". But, today is Columbus day, so I decided its a good day to work on all the things I haven't been doing because my friends are doing such a good job of keeping me busy (with the exception of weekends, which now surprisingly suck).

 Any way, as a figure skater, jump roping is something that we are encouraged to do. It builds those jumpy leg muscles that we need to use a lot. I'm horrible at jump roping. I've always hated it. Maybe its because I was a bit of a tom boy growing up, and jumping over a stupid rope and singing rhymes was just too girly for me. Or maybe its because I had no rhythm as a kid and I'd always get smacked in the foot and trip on the rope.

 Its amazing, how I have great hand eye coordination for some things, but not at all for other things. Jumping rope is / was one of those things. However, over the past year, I've gotten a lot better at jump roping. This morning I did my best ever. I jumped for a minute straight, and I only missed two times.  How is this possible you say? proper motivation.

 With cold bare feet, all it took was one time getting smacked in the toes for me to decide that no matter how tired I was getting, I would jump and be in the air when that rope came around. It worked. It worked really well. 

Two weeks ago, I would have wanted to be home on a day like this...

I remember about two weeks ago, being in my office and looking out my window at the horrible rainny weather. I dreamed I could be at home, hot chocolate in one hand,book in another, with my dog cuddled up beside me.

 I guess I sort of got my wish. Im at home cuddled up with my dog on a rainy day. I have hot chocolate I could go make,  books I could read, but Im more worried about paying my bills at the moment, so a part of me would rather be at work.  Oh life, you are so funny.  Well, since what I planed to do is cancled, I guess I will go do what I dreamed of doing two weeks ago, and try to enjoy it. 

Finding Rest For My Soul

  As this General Conference comes to a close, I am amazed at how every single talk had something for me. Almost every single talk seemed as if it was given just for me. And, when I think back to  only four months ago, I think many of the talks I loved the most would have made me possibly a little bit angry.

 As I've said a million times, this has been a rough year.  I feel like a wise and loving Heavenly Father has allowed me trials I didn't want, to degrees that tested my limits beyond what I thought was possible for me to withstand.  At some points I didn't think I could go on, or even live up to the standards I knew God wanted me to live up to.

 At those times, there were some tender mercies that came my way, but some of the most tender mercies were a good beating with the humble stick of chastisement,  and in some cases what I have come to refer to as God putting me on time out, and grounding me from some of my favorite people.  At times I let my anger rage, at times it all seemed so unfair, I asked so many whys. Why when I was trying so hard to do what was right did things just keep getting more and more ridiculous and hard, and unfair?

 The months that followed have brought me in a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father than I have ever known. My understanding has been deepened,  my faith strengthened, my weaknesses more apparent- which I hope has made me a little more humble.  I have learned to ask him for help, and when I do it comes, not always as I want, but always as I need.

 Some of the most painful experiences of this year, and of my life are things that I actually wouldn't trade, because I think they have saved me from things that would have been much worse. God needed to get through to me, to communicate his love for me, to help me to learn to trust the promptings of the spirit. It has been a difficult way to learn all this, and at times very painful. But because of how hot that refiners fire was the lessons I learned and the deeper testimony I have gained has been etched more deeply on my soul. The roots of my tree are more firmly planted,  and my heart has been softened, and my ears are now ready to listen, and hearken to what I needed to know.

 The worst points in this year, I felt so lost and directionless, yet they prepared me to receive and appreciate direction. I still have so much left to learn, but I feel like now I have greater faith and confidence and hope to learn it.  I loved this session of conference, because it made the past year make so much sense to me. It renewed my determination to continue on the path and changes I made a month ago at stake conference. I know when I trust God he will make of me what he wants me to be,  and it may not make any sense to me what soever,  but  he will help me to endure, and then he will heal me, and  then I have great joy.

 I loved the talks to day on marriage and family. Often those talks seem like a sources  of pain to me, they make me feel uncomfortable, misfitted, and some what alone and very frustrated, but today they gave me hope, peace, direction, and confidence in the decisions I have made for me and my life, decisions I had questioned just a few months ago.

 "ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" the scriptures say. Well,  its been some trying months, and at points I feel I just bearly hung on, but  today I feel I received the witness that I sought.  I feel like I have been given so many places to improve upon, but I've been given the hope, strength and instruction I need to accomplish it.

 I am learning to rely on the lord. I am learning just how much he loves me. I love him, I love General Conference, I love the words of the Prophets and Apostles,  and like Paul  I am learning to "glory in tribulation."  I am glad my Heavenly Father loves me enough to let me learn hard things, even when it is painful, and  I am glad he sends his servants to deliver healing and strengthening and encouraging words in the midst of life's storms.  This conference took a lot of preparation for me to enjoy it to the level I did.  It was a long time coming, the preparation that God put me through, but Im gonna say it was worth it, because this weekend I found rest for my soul, and hope in the Atonement, and in the love of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Anxiously Engaged In Many Good Causes: Furlough day 3

I started this day off with a scripture study about tithing, which helped me to put aside fears, and just have faith that this will work out for the best, and that God will have my back.

 In the Doctorine and Covenants it talks about how we should be anxiously engaged in good things of our own free will. Not wanting to get depressed, stressed or other wise bogged down, I decided today to go do something good. So I helped someone with some yard work, and she asked if I could also help with her geneology. I love doing geneology and I have nothing better to do, so I said yes.  As I looked at her pages to see what was before me I saw a whole lot of France and I got excited. I told her about my French speaking abilities and told her if she needed anything translated, I could do it no problem, and it would be fun.

 She then got really excited and told me she had documents, and she had a film that she needed some help with. Im so exiced, I get to help translate a film from French, and it will help someone I love!!! what a great day!!!

 Feeling pretty blessed.  Oh and last night, I started learning katy perry's The One That Got Away on guitar. Super excited for that!! and ,its conference weekend!!! pretty awesome stuff. Life is good, I have amazing friends, and God has my back.  A few things in life still are getting me down, but I feel confident God will help me out with those too, and it will all be ok in the end.  

Facing The Furloug

Ok so I dont know if  I should call this day 1 or day 2 of my furlough.  I did work for an hour and fifteen minutes yesterday ,so today is my first full furlough day. Yesterday I was really really productive. I got so much done. Today, I dont know if its the weather, or the fact that they keep saying there is no end in sight or what, but I have a bunch of things I can do, and probably should do, but apart from getting out of bed, having an amaziing scripture study about hope, and spending 3 hrs visiting with my good friend Michelle, I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do next.

 I have a list a mile long of things I need to do, things I want to do, but which should I start with?  20 songs I want to learn on the guitar? painting? should I pick up the bag pipe chanter? try to get my childrens book published, should I  do more on my grad school applications, that just makes me upset because I need to take classes and dont have money to, and then i freak out because I dont know when I will have money, and all my family are govt workers, so what the crap am I going to do.

 See, now we are in melt down mode.  Maybe i should pick up those books my friend Emily let me borrow and figure out what season of clothing I am. I talked to Michelle earlier, and she thought fall. I like clothes colors better in the fall, but I think i was still torn a bit with summer.  Yeah, I had a break down at michelles and started crying because I didn't know what my season was for clothing. Do I dare to venture to understand that on my own? I still cant tell what my skin undertones are- are they golden or are they blue? I dont know!! who the heck knows that? I dont. I dont want to admit that I dont know that,but I guess I just did. Yup, I can't tell what the undertones of my skin are. thank you much. I feel like an idot, even more so that I spent a significant amount of time trying to figure that out and still didnt.

 Some of my friends went running. I should go running, but im freezing cold, so I dont want to. Should I turn on my heat? why? it will make my electric bill higher.  I could go work on  my car.I never changed that air cabin filter, and I need to fix my door handle.

Someone needs to weed whack their lawn, but its been raining and doesn't want to. Should I play with my dog?  well, at least i already patched my favorite pants, so I dont have to worry about that sewing project. Maybe i should make things and take them to friends and people I love. Service is great. Oh but that would take gas, so maybe I should conserve gas. I should make lunch. What should I make?  I should conserve food, how about a sandwich. Ok done.  I need butter. next time I go somewhere  i should include a trip to walmart to get butter, but when i go dont buy anything else. how can i go to walmart without buying a ton of crap i dont need?   I should at least finish learning to play linger on my guitar today. Im so close!!
   

  And that my friend is why I am siting in bed, kind of frozen in melt down mode, paralized by too many ideas, too much time,  and not enough money. Pick something girl!! pick something, anything, and do it. Don't play candy crush and watch movies on amazon all day. dont be paralized by fear of the unknown. just do SOMETHING useful with your time.  that is all. that is all. 

Shutdown, but not shut off.

This morning was very emotional for me, honestly yesterday was too. I am a federal employee, and therefore am currently at home, waiting and watching, and trying to plan and live my life, with no idea of when I will be going back to work.

 This morning I went into the office to perform my necessary government shutdown duties. Most people didn't have to come in at all. It was a ghost town. A once vibrant and bustling work center was eerie and quiet.  There was tension and anxiety in the air for those of us that had to be there, or so it seemed to me. How do you plan your life when on any given work day from here on out, you could need to be back to work in four hours?  how do you plan when  this thing could be done in the morning and you could be back to work,  or it could be months.  

 How do you even figure out how to pay your bills at times like that?  What do you do with your time? do you play and enjoy it? do you get things done? do you eat doughnuts and chocolate and get fat and depressed?  Do you go protest the government in some way?

 I've never done this before. Monday I didn't think I would have to. I thought it would be like all the other times, they'd threaten and then cave. If I had money I could be taking classes I need to get into grad school so I never have to work for the government ever again.  I don't like working for the government. I like having a job. I like the people I work with, but the longer I work as a federal employee, the more years I'm at it to see what its like, the more I realize I get used constantly as a pawn in a multitude of political games.  I don't like living my life that way.

 Job security? I was told working for the government was a very secure job, in many ways it is. But how secure is it when at seeming political whims you can be furloughed or shut down with little or no warning?  I suppose one should just always be prepared, but when you don't make a ton of money, its hard to be able to do anything to prepare even when you can see crap is coming your way.

 I feel a lot of things to day, exhausted, disappointed, angry, tired.  Mainly I just feel tired. This has been the hardest year of my life. I don't think I can say that enough. I've gone through things this year that I never would have expected or volunteered for. This definitely isn't the worst or hardest thing that's come my way, its more like the straw that's going to break the camels back.  Its one more thing on an already overloaded and warn paper thin soul.  Sometimes I wish more than anything I could just give up on life, give up on all the changes I made the past year, just quit, something. Just because I'm sick of it and I want to quit. I don't care what, I just want to quit in protest of the fact that I'm sick of everything I have to deal with.

 But I am not a quitter. I can't even if I want to. Quitting just isnt' in me. It never has been. It never will be. And once a change for the better has been made, I can't unmake it and go back to how I used to operate, I just can't do it.  So  I may be shutdown right now. I may be spending time playing guitar, and writing books and blogs, and doing whatever, but I  will keep working to not shut off, to not give up on my life, to not give up on goals and dreams , and friends and family. ultimately we are all in this together.  I have no doubt that downtown Seattle is going to take a big local economy hit from all the people not at work.  But we can survive, and I can meet my dream to one day work in a job I love, where I'm not used by people for political games.      I think that's a good dream. 

Mandi- Fit To Be Loved

 Is a name important? or is a name just a name. I think names are extreemly important. I believe my name is more than just important, I believe it was divinely inspired as a message from God to me.

 Mandi- it means fit to be loved, or beloved.  I was named after a Barry Manalow song.  Yup. you know the one.  Nope, it wasn't about his dog, just so ya know.

 Any way, I may have been named because of that song, God works by natural means to bring about his works. I will tell you right now, that I am quite certain, that God wanted me named Mandi so that every time I heard my name I would remember both that I am beloved, and that I am fit to be loved,  because, well im prone to forget that, or to disbeilieve it.

 I often push people away, and I have done so thinking, no you will be better off if you dont get to know me.  Eventually I will truly learn to love myself, right now its kind of hit or miss. When I do love myself, I let people and God in, and when I let people and God in, I love myself.  Im learning that slowly.  I think we all struggle with that some times, on some level.

 Even my worst enemies have to call me beloved, and often, that worst enemy is me. I went to the Addiction Recovery meeting tonight. That is always a place to know you are fit to be loved.  All day, all week, i've had people telling me how much they love me and how awesome or amazing I am.  As of late my response has been - Why?   I think thats because in the past year I have come to be truly honest with myself,  and the greatest thing I have discovered is that I dont always love me as much as I ought to , and when I dont love me, I dont let anyone else love me either.

 In order to be ' fit  to be loved'   I must live up to my name,  and the only way I can live up  to my name is to call myself beloved. That is what I have realized this week.

 On another note, the name David also means beloved. When I found this out, years ago, I got really excited about a few things. David and Jonathan have one of the most awesome friendship stories recorded anywhere in my opinion. Friendships are one of the most important things to me in life, so I have deeply apprecieated that.  Also, in the bible dictionary it talks about what made David great was that when he did something stupid, he was really good at humbling himself and having true sincere repentance. That is something I've tried to model in my life.  The one thing that got david into trouble- that whole Bathshiba/ uriah thing. I've taken that as a warning from my friend whos name has the same meaning. Yes, I consider David from the bible to be my friend. I've gotten to know him over the years. I remember a lesson in institute on that thing, and something my teacher said about how if David had been at the head of the battle  with his troops where he was supposed to be, then all that nonsens could have been avoided. He had a million chances to jump off that train, and just made small bad choice after small bad choice.

 I hope not  to ever derail like that. Did David forget the meaning of his name?  I dont know. I can't answer that.  But, I remember that lesson, because our names mean the same thing, and so if I see myself starting to go off track, I just try to keep going to the right places. So far that has worked.

 I am greatful that my parents named me Mandi.  That name has meaning to me, and its a reminder to me of who I am, and who I am meant to be. I am beloved, and I am meant to be fit to be loved, and if ever I start acting contrary to those two things,  a swift and often painful reminder reminds me, I need to change that, because Mandi is who I am, and I can never be happy if I am not being Mandi, and I will never feel loved  or allow others to love me if I forget who I am.

 Evita moment- I am Mandi - so .... you must love me.... 

The Most Important Question

 Its the end of September. One of my dear friends came over to see me tonight, and we watched Leap Year. One of those lovely chick flicks taking place in Ireland. Too predictable for me to pay any attention to anything except cultural accuracy until the end. With a recent trip to Ireland under my belt, seeing my beloved cliffs made me extreemly excited about the movie. At the end of it, I asked the question, Why didn't I meet an amazing Irishman on my trip?  And then I remembered, I actually kind of had one of those moments in Ireland, but with an American. It was just dinner and a shared conversation, We aren't dating or getting married. I'm fine with that, but that really happened, that magic moment really happened on my trip.

 That however wasn't the most important question. Following that, some how my friend and I moved on to a discussion on TV series that we have recently picked up to watching. Grimm, and the new Sleepy Hollow series.  Which, led to us watching an illustrated reading of the book by Glen Close, which was highly educational, and then of course we had to go back to the original Disney animation we used to watch yearly.  By the way,  we kind of noticed that  a lot of similarities were there with other disney cartoons, especially beauty and the beast. I wont ruin it for you, but go watch it, see if you cant see cinderella, or gaston, or clocksworth, or the insane asylum guy, or if Ichobod doesn't remind you of the opening scenes with Bell in the villiage as he comes new into town.

 All of this of course has nothing to do with the most important question, but its what lead to the most important question. Because, you see, the end of September is upon us, and that means October is around the bend. This important question has been building in my head for weeks now, begging an answer, and I've hidden from it as if it were frankinstines monster, which it may well be.

 What shall I be for Halloween this year?

Its an important question. What you choose to be for Halloween says much about you. You  can pick something at random like you just dont care, but I'm not like that. What I choose to be for Halloween is deeply symbolic of what I wish I could be in life and fall short of, or what scares me that I wish to confront and no longer fear. Its never just a random choice. Last year I was my own super hero character that a friend had created for me. I've been river song. I've been a vampire, a pirate, I was once Tanya Harding.  both what I wanted to be - as great skater, and what scares me- someone who trades all the greatness because they  dont believe they are enough on their own.

 Last year around this time I set out on a journey to try to become a super me, the best version of me possible. My costume symbolized that. I feel like I've changed a lot, but I never became that super hero, at the end of the day, it was just a costume, it was just a few changes that changed nothing.

 So as I decided what to be this year, I feel kind of stuck. What is left for me to want to be? I dont know.  I grasp at straws. I can be River again, or maybe I could be a Grimm ,and my friend could be a reaper. that would be funny, and no one will get it but us.  I could be something new i've learned to love this year- a tribble, I could be a beloved favorite from star gate, or doctor who- again no one will get it but me and a few friends.  But I dont wear costumes for others, I wear them for me.  I could be a Pict. I love history, I could celebrate my ancestors.

My mom once made me be a clown. I hate clowns. I've never forgotten that, I wont be a clown,they still scare me. its not a fear I wish to face.  

So when I ask what shall I be for Halloween, what I am really asking myself is Who do I want to be? what do I want to become? what do I want to face and overcome?

 And I have no idea. none.  Perhaps the question still lingers in my head, Who am I?  When I can answer that, I dont suppose I will want to be anyone else any way.  Who do I want to become? Me, only better.  thats no costume.  What do I want to face and overcome?  well, me. I want to face me. everything that scares me about me, and I want to fear it no more.

 Maybe thats why I dont know what to do this year, because every question I ask to get to what costume I want leads back to me, and that isn't a costume at all.  Costume suggestions are now welcome. I give up. I have no idea what to be for Halloween. 

The Greatest Dream Ever

 I think I just had the greatest dream ever. And then I woke up. I hate when that happens, especially when it happens at five thirty on a Saturday morning and you know you are not going to be able  to go back to sleep.

 How could I go back to sleep now? I just had the greatest dream ever, and then woke up to find its not real and its 5 am on a Saturday. I think I knew all along it wasn't real,but I also wished all along that it was.  So what is the greatest dream ever? Peace. it was peace. Peace and reconsiliation and understanding and empathy. It was my little world starting out in disharmony, going to some kind of farm, it was a really pretty farm,and then having a very frank and sometimes angry discussion, listening and hearing what was being said, and then being listened to and understood  and loved in return, and then there was peace and reconsiliation because there was empathy and understanding.

 Why is this the greatest dream of all time?  well, because I can't handle disharmony, contention, misunderstanding, and the like, and I wish those things didn't have to exist. I just loved the feeling in that dream. I wish it were always present. Plus, there was a really nice horse in my dream. I dont know why that matters, but I really liked that horse. And it was sunny. who doesn't like some sunshine?

A kids book about life

A kids book about life...
Sometimes life is beautiful.















Everyone loves you. (caption: I am awesome!)
Everything goes right. You feel like super man. (caption: doctor :this time, Everyone lives!)
Other times, its not so fun.(cyberman: you will be deleted)













People die.
People move
Maybe you move. (caption:bye bye friend!)
Or maybe people just get mad at you. (caption:talk to the hand, dork)












Maybe they just forgot you, and you feel alone. (caption:why am I all alone?)
Sometimes life is hard, it doesn't seem fair. (caption: I don't understand, I did everything right!)
Or too fair (caption angry crowd: you jerk!, caption person: Im sorry! Don't hate me!)

We are all human, we make mistakes, we get hurt, we hurt people. (caption jedi: Victory for the Jedi!!, caption darth m: My arm!)

But there is someone who loves you when you are stupid, when life is hard, when life is good. They always love you.
Heavenly Father and Jesus love you.











                                                               

But, they want you to become like them. Sometimes they let you have hard times so you can learn, or change and be better.
So you can be like a strong sword, you have to endure beating, and grinding and hot hot fires to be a strong sword.
You have to learn what its like to be sad, to help other sad people (captions: I love you,  Im sad)











And serve others in need. (caption: I'll help!)
And humble yourself and repent. (Jedi caption: Im sorry I cut off your hand. Can I help fix it?)
But remember, you are never alone. God loves you, he has your back.
He just asks you to trust him and keep the comandments. (Person caption: ahhhhhh!,  God caption: I got this)










And when you get through the storm, there will be sun again!! (caption: yay! Sunshine!)
Because we are all here to learn. So sometimes that's hard, but sometimes its fun and everyone loves you. (caption: yay!)
But most important, remember we are children of God and he loves us, everyone!

Moving Mountains, and Thunder Shirts

Yesterday I spent my morning helping an old lady that is a friend of mine. Its been way too long since I've been over to visit. I absolutely love working in her yard with her. She gives me plant starts, so my garden now has more than just food plants, and its getting pretty. She also feeds me sometimes.  But mainly I just love how her sweet spirit brightens my days.

 At the end of the day, the last thing I helped her with was moving a small hill of sticks, bits of wood and other dead plant remains. Honestly I looked at in and thought there was no way I would be able to do that in a day. It would probably take a couple weeks or a miracle. She thought the same.

 We have been told that with faith we can move mountains. As I started to move that pile, arm load to wheel berrel load, one at a time up a big hill, I thought, Im moving a mountain here. Amazingly, some how,  by the end of 1.5 hrs I had moved the whole thing. I dont think I have ever put a more determined effort into physical labor, but with every shovel full, and every wheel barrel load up that hill, I thought, this is like my life, and if I can move this, then I can have faith and hope, if I can move this small mountain, God can move the mountains in my life, even if its one shovel full, and one wheel barrel full at a time.

 It was not easy. I had blackberry thorns poke through my gloves, I had cuts, I bled. It hurt. I pushed that wheel barrel and sometimes it got stuck, and sometimes I didn't think I could make it to the top to dump it, and I thought I would loose the whole load. Sometimes, it took all my strength.  By the end I was exhausted. My back hurt, and I was sweating so badly, even though it wasn't a hot day, that my cell phone got wet in my pants pockets.  I did it though, I did the impossible. I moved that small "mountain" and I did it in far less time than it should have taken.

 Sometimes in life, there is a huge pile of junk, and it needs moving, and it seems impossible. Remember, with God, nothing is impossible. God can move mountains. He can help you to move mountains. Sometimes, probably most times, Its going to happen one shovel full at a time, one barrel full at a time. By small means, great things are brought to pass. Sometimes you will get cut, you will get hurt,you will get stuck, you will feel like you are sliding backwards down the hill, or maybe you will loose the whole load.

 Don't quit. Keep going. God will help you move a mountain, even if its one little painful bit at a time, and it will be worth it when you are done, and you look back at that clean patch of dirt, ready to be put to good use.

  Today there is a lot of thunder outside. My poor dog is terrified. I have something to help him weather the storm, its called a thundershirt. its a shirt with velcro for dogs, so they can feel all snuggled and safe. It doesn't completely remove his fear, but as long as he is by my side, and has his shirt on, he calms down, quits shaking, and can make it through the scary parts of a storm. God knows how to comfort us, to weather storms, he wraps us in his love and his word. With that, we can feel peace and comfort no matter how horrible of storm clouds gather around us. 

Finding A Balance, Making A Priority

 Huge amounts of stress, all sorts of emotional craziness, and two months of not really sleeping much at all, have finally prompted me to do what I knew I needed to do, but didn't want to do all along.

 People, I am tired of feeling tired, emotional and crazy. I appreciate the many people who have given me advice on how to fix this. Know that I do not discount your wisdom, however, I know why I dont sleep, and I have a pretty good idea of how to fix it. Doing what I need to do to fix it, is much harder.

 What do I need to do to sleep better?  well.  I need to clean my house, so I dont feel like Im falling appart- mostly check. I spent five hours cleaning my bedroom and bathroom last saturday, the rest of the house was livable.  I feel so much better about life just having a clean place to sleep and live. By clean- I mean my clothes are not only hung up, but are hung in the proper order according to what they are.

What else do I need to do? Well, Computer must be off by ten, and the tv, and the phone. I can write in my journal or read if I can't sleep. If you see a blog post, or a fb post from me after 10 pm, I owe you push ups.  Occasionally, I think I can make an exception to this on Friday nights only. Saturday when my church moves to eleven in  January,  But before that, if its not friday, I owe you 25 push ups if its after ten and I am online.

 This has made a big difference so far. I am now averaging 6 hrs of sleep a night, which feels like a lot to me, as its way up from 4, or 5 , or 3.5 or 0.  So I feel a lot better about life, and I am sure we will eventually get that number up to seven or eight.

Then there is exercise- Every day at least a walk.  so far, I have counted yard work as my exercise, and I broke a sweat doing all that weed whacking, so I think that is ok.  Today I did real exercise and my muscles cramped up. but I feel I will sleep well. =)

Finally, I need to eat. and eat healthy, and not eat junk. Ice cream and chocolate cake all day?  no. Not exceptable.  I am working on it. I dont know that Im quite at healthy food yet, but I am eating less chocolate and more veggies.

 The biggest impact was curfew on computer. Its been tough, because I got home from FHE at 9:30 last night, and I had a half hour to take care of business stuff and thats it, no fun. no candy crush. I have found, like tonight getting home at 9, I have a choice. Candy Crush, a Blog post, or an episode of Doctor Who. I have to choose and prioritize because the priority is sleep and being emotionally stable (from getting enough sleep =)) so I wrote a blog so that you don't  think I've forgotten you, but my life is super busy, and its about to get busyier, and I choose you over candy crush.
 
 Bottom line, I have come to realize, its not ok to sacrifice sleep because I am feeling sad and dont want to go to sleep. or I'm feeling stressed and dont want to go to sleep .Sleep is now a priority, and I hope that makes me a better friend and all around person.

Basically, what I am saying is, that I love you more than candy crush. You may here less of me, but hopefully what you do hear will be more sane.

  I love you all,   Mandi

Why I Love The Doctor (Especially 10)

 I've never liked things that I didn't feel I could relate to or draw parallels to in my own life. I don't know why, they just don't interest me. Maybe that's normal, maybe its not, but its how I am. I hate Battle Star Galactica, and I was never a big fan of Star Trek for those reasons.  Star Trek is growing on me thanks to some friends and the new movies, I understand it better, but I don't know that I've really connected with it yet, and I don't know that I'm going to.

  But I absolutely love me a  906 year old Time Lord.  Why?  Well, despite the fact I am much younger than that, I don't travel in a blue box, and I don't have two hearts, I relate quite a lot to the doctor.

 The doctors home was destroyed in the time war. He can't really go home and visit his family. You can see how bad he misses it and them, and yet, he was the one who destroyed it.  And yet... from time to time he finds he is not alone, he is not the last Time Lord in existence, because they come back. In the end of time all of Galifrey comes back, and then he is all alone again. But, He kind of adopts the Earth as his home, sometimes he laughs a bit at the humans, some times he loves them, sometimes he is frustrated with them, but its all "humany-woomany" in the end  and its his home away from home and he defends it lovingly and loyally.

  My family were not destroyed by a time war, but they are quite a distance away, and its really rather rare that I see them or they come see me. I've adopted Washington, the Kitsap Peninsula in particular, as my home away from home. Most the time I think I just blend in pretty well,  and I love it, and defend it and my  friends loyally. But then I go to a football game, and I see how small the school is, and how different things are, and I know it isn't mine, but I watch amused and enjoy it all.  Sometimes I'm glad to be away from my culture- Utah culture, because there is so much that goes wrong in Utah culture-like any culture. But other times I lovingly refer to it as a place that's so very very great. Just like the Doctor does with Galifrey.

 The Doctor has been referred to as the loneliest boy in the Universe, yet he's got quite a large family of friends, loyal defenders, companions, and so forth. He's had a lot of companions travel with him. He's lost some to death, some to Fates worse than death, and some just moved on. At the end of the day its just him and his Tardis.  Its hard to get that close to people, to have them pop in and out of your life with nothing stable, no one that is always there, and yet without them, he's much worse. Companions are what make the Doctor great.  Having someone to love and care about, even if they pop in and out of your life more frequently than you want, makes you a better person.

  I've had  somewhere around 56 roommates and mission companions. I've had countless friends and adopted families to take care of me in my journeys through time and space.  At the end of the day, Its just me, and my dog- well, he can't live forever either. And its great, because I care a great deal about all of my "companions"  but then there are always weeping angels, parallel universes, marriages, moves, and the like and at some point or other they go away. At some point, there is usually something that will bring us back together briefly, and its magic again for a small moment, and then when the Daleks are defeated and the Earth is restored to its proper place, everyone goes back as they were and its me and my Tardis again.
Some leave angry, some leave because that's just how the battle goes, and some leave because they have to get back to their real family,  but in the end, Doctor, I wish I could go join you in your travels because I feel your pain.

 The Doctor is clever, yet he's just a mad man with a box.  At any point he would do anything to defend the ones he loves, but often he puts them in the most danger. He is very clever, and yet he often has no real clue what he is doing, he just presses buttons, and scraps and finds whatever solution he can.  I feel like I'm pretty clever, I'm pretty smart, I have a lot of talents, but I have no idea what I'm doing half the time, and I think its my resourcefulness that  wins the day for me in the end.  You want some one to make an extraordinary hat using nothing but staples and scrapbook paper, I'm your girl. You need a time machine out of scraps of a cardboard box,  no problem.

 you want me to commit to something next Tuesday? OK I think its free now, but I may get side tracked by my travels in time and space and not make it on time.  I make promises I intend to keep, but sometimes your going to have to be  "the girl who waited" and I'll be a bit later at coming through than hoped, but like the Doctor, I will come through.

 Well, I'm not the Doctor. Its not a perfect comparison. But if anyone has ever wondered why I so love that show, well, a lot of people love it.  I don't know why they do, but I know why I do. Because I think the Doctor understands me, he knows what its like to be all alone, and the only one of your kind and at the same time have the biggest and most wonderful ever growing family of loving and loyal friends who you hope will travel with you forever, but in the end you know some kind of monster will get them, and you'll be all alone again. And that's why I love River Song, because she's just as lonely, and she's suffered just as much, and she gets the doctor, but their time is backwards and its the greatest tragedy ever.  I love how much the Doctor cares, I love his loyalty, and I love his anger, I relate to that. He has compassion, and he cares so much it hurts, and he goes through life trying to have a great adventure and help those he loves, and forget that hurt.
And I love that he gives people the chance to change, to make the right decision, to start over sometimes, but if they wont, he will fight them to the end to defend those he loves.    I think the Doctor and I have a similar preach to life.

 And Ten, finally Ten, Why do I love Ten? well because he's skinny with sticky up hair, and a suit and tennis shoes, I think he's hot, but its not just that,  he's funny, and he's ancient, and he's young all at once. He loves so much you can see his heart breaking, and he's so tired of being alone he even is happy to see the Master, and makes a friend of an enemy in the end, even though he fights him most the way. And it payed off didn't it, but then it didn't because he was all alone again.

Ah, wait, I forgot something. Regeneration. I've never regenerated, but I've gone through changes in life. It does feel like a completely different girl has just walked off with my life sometimes. This year especially. I still remember everything, but I'm a completely different person, and yet, I'm the same. I'm kind of glad my face doesn't change that much though.

 And this is a not so short explanation of why I am a Whovian.

A Guarenteed Way To Have A Melt Down

Yesterday I ate chocolate cake for breakfast, super nachos for lunch, and a chocolate ice cream sundae for dessert. I managed to get a slow twenty minute walk of mopey time to the water front, and no other exercise. I stayed up till midnight watching Grimm, guarenteeing that Id not sleep well and have strange disturbing nightmares. All this knowing Id need to be up at a quarter to five to go to work in the morning. There is no better way to guarantee that today Id be emotionally all over the place, exhausted and in melt down mode. If you add to that listening to hours of general conference talks from 1983, which for some reason were ALL on getting along well with and forgiving others, its no wonder my boss had to ask me at lunch if i was feeling well. Apparently i turned a shade of pale grey. Why do I do stuff like that to myself? I dont know, it sounds pretty cray cray to me. This is what happens when people spend too much time alone, Im pretty sure. So I am determined, im going to follow President Uchtdorfs advice and Stop It!!! ....Tomorrow.