I wanted to write you a blog post this weekend, and thank you for the Puppy Episode, 20 years ago. I know it's extremely unlikely that you will ever read this post, but I've delayed until the last minute writing it this weekend because I felt you deserved perfection in my words.
At some point this evening, I gave up on perfection, because I figured it was better to write something imperfect than to never write anything expressing my gratitude at all.
Since your sitcom about Ellen Morgan ran 3 seasons, I'm guessing I was about 12 when my mom and I started watching the show. I loved the show. I loved the time I spent watching it with my mom. And I loved Ellen Morgan. I related to her a lot, and I loved her fashon sense. By the way, Ellen Degeneres, I love your fashon sense even more. You are my style icon, or whatever. I love it!
Any way, I don't know what night the show was on, and I'm not going to look it up, because it would ruin my memory of it. And my memory of it, says it was on Thursday nights. Memory is very unreliable, even if you have a good one, so I'm not placing any bets on that being correct.
But Friday, friday was 20 years since the episode where your character came out. I was 15. I have never forgot that night, because it made me feel so many things, excited, happy, outed a bit myself because I related so much to the character, and mostly just very secretly glad it happened.
As a young devout Mormon teenager, I don't know what would have happened if me and my mom would have been able to have a conversation about the show that night, or even if it hadn't been the last time we watched it together. That was a sad moment to me, because until I was 30 that was the last episode I saw. Having now seen the other episodes, I think those could have been helpful for me and my mom to watch together, helpful for our future.
I had many confusing years ahead. Maybe now Kristen Stewart can say it's not confusing if your bisexual, but I found it confusing for a very long time. But there were a lot of complicated reasons for that.
Any way, in my early 30s, going to counseling and finally coming out, I went back and watched The Puppy Episode, and all the episodes after it, and it was a big deal for me. It was a gift I had waited 15 years finally recieve. It meant the world to have a character I related to on some level as a 15 year old, and it meant even more to me, and I related even more as a 30 year old.
I love your daytime show, I love dory, I love your books, but I will always be most greatful for The Puppy episode, and all the episodes that followed it.
Thanks again for all the crap you went through to bring it to the world, and happy 20th anniversary of the episode.
"The worst fear you can have is losing your faith, because then you are not accepted by anyone. Not by those that consider themselves secular, or by people of your own faith... ever since we could remember, our religion has defined every single action we have taken. If one day I lose my faith it would be like dying and having to start new again in a world without guarantees."
- Reading Lolita in Tehran
When I read that quote from RLT, I had to pause and read it again. I was shocked at how in that one instance, people in a bool, who's experience I hadn't really connected to, summed up one of the most frightening feelings of my life.
Having grown up in the LDS church, and in Utah I learned and earned most of my socialization from and at church and church activities. One of my greatest fears when on my way out of the church was that probably, even living in Washington state, 99% of my friends and social activities were at or from church, and I wasn't sure I knew how to really socialize outside that context. I didn't know where I would find community, or who I would turn to when I needed help, or life was too much for me, or where I could go that people would understand my experiences having been so dedicated to the LDS Faith all my life and then leaving it.
I have non lds co workers, who are great people, mostly christians, but I've always had to explain my Mormon culture to them. So even though I knew I would have their support, it still felt like it would be too lonely of a proposition to walk away.
But, I had a friend tell me about a local group that met, for former and unorthodox Mormons. This was when I was still active and believing. It was wonderful to have a place to talk about experiences and frustrations and issues and not be judged. My issues were not the same as their issues, and their issues, in many cases never became my issues. But it was a community, a community that understood, that helped eachother when needed, that helped people move, and brought meals when someone was sick, or sad.
It was a framework of community that reflected my culture growing up. And as I left the church, they were my safety net of unconditional love when the fear of fall out from family and friends terrified me. And sometimes those fears came true and friends were lost, and family relationships wounded. And people that understood were there for me.
It made all the difference in the world, as the uncertainty and newness of life unfolded before me. It's hard to grapple with belief and loss of some beliefs, and figuring out what you truly believe, and losing some of the certainty of things you always believed before. But having this group of friends gave me a secure base to explore my new world. And that security gave me confidence to be brave and bold and press forward.
As many of us moved forward in our journey, we helped eachother also find answers to questions like "how do I find opportunities to do service in the greater community and world without the church or ward organizing it for me?"
As people in our group asked this question opportunities showed up, and with the support of eachother, we jumped right in, sometimes organizing our own personal projects to help make the world nicer for everyone to live in.
Because I have this group, this community, I also felt confident to start volunteering with my soccer team, and pride and queer organizations, and other personal interests not related to the religion I grew up in. And it's been wonderful for me to be able to have time to be involved in things I am passionate about.
So, I guess the point of this post is to first express my gratitude to that group for making that transition so much less scary, and for providing a safe base for me to explore the world from. And the second point of this blog, is that if anyone else is in that position, where that quote resonates with you, where you are afraid of losing your tribe because you are questioning your faith...
Know that there is a tribe of questioners that stay in the faith, and you can find them too. And there is a tribe for questioners that leave the faith, and there is a tribe for all the questioners everywhere in between.
It is overwhelming have a faith transition, or a faith crisis. It is sometimes very scary, and very overwhelming. But you are not alone, and you will not be left community-less, there is a community for people just like you.
If you dont live near me and are wondering how to find like minded folk, try this website. http://www.mormonspectrum.org/
Thanks again to my friends who have been there for me, in and out of the church, and everything in between.
"FYI, I no longer engage trolls. So if you choose to troll my posts, I will chose to delete trolling comments. I will keep disagreeing comments that show a willingness to engage in thoughtful, empathetic conversation. If your disagreement doesn't meet that standard, it will promptly disappear from my wall/posts."
I also promised to follow this up with acceptable, and unacceptable examples. I want it understood, that I'm not trying to shut down anyone disagreeing with me on social media. I am setting a boundary for what type of disagreement I will allow.
I don't like fighting with people, especially people I know and love. Things can get heated, personal, and end friendships in situations like this, and that is what I want to avoid.
What I don't want to avoid is thoughtful, empathetic engagement with other view points. I don't believe Facebook is the best space for that to happen, because most situations quickly loose their thoughtfulness.
I also, don't post things on facebook for anyone's benefit but my own. So wether or not you particularly agree with something I post, I don't think is generally my business, unless you want to be in solidarity of agreement with me, or share information that is respectful but broadening of my viewpoint.
For example, if I post on Facebook that 'Pizza is the best! And milk chocolate is disgusting!' This is my opinion. It's my wall, I can express that opinion. It's a valid opinion, and I don't feel like I have to defend my opinions to everyone that disagrees with them. I don't need to convince you of my view. I'm telling you what my view is, and you can agree, or disagree and that's fine. If you post a comment it shouldn't be disrespectful or invalidating of my opinion I posted on my wall.
You are free to post an opposite opinion on your wall, and hope I read it and rethink things. You can post a comment on my post in solidarity, or you can engage with me, and try to understand why I feel the way I do, and then perhaps try to change my mind. But before you try to change my mind, you should try to understand my mind.
So examples of what would be trolling my post:
"Pizza is horrible! You are disgusting"
"Milk chocolate is the best! What is wrong with you?"
"You're wrong! Milk chocolate isn't disgusting!!"
When stating disagreement online, we have to think first about why are we disagreeing.
1) we think the person is misinformed, and with the right information will come to your side, or at least move to a more middle ground
2) we have set up an us vs them situation in our head, and the fact that someone you love has posted something that you disagree with makes you feel betrayed, because they are not on your team
3) because you like to argue with people
4) because you want to create empathy for people with a different experience or opinion in life. (For instance if I also posted that people that love milk chocolate are less healthy and less intelligent than people that prefers dark chocolate)
So... If you are a #3 person, I'm gonna delete your comments. That's all.
If you are a #2, you can engage thoughtfully and not get comments deleted by saying something along these lines and engaging.
"Really? You don't like milk chocolate? This makes me a little sad, because milk chocolate is my favorite. It's a big part of what brings me joy in life. Did you have a bad experience? How does milk chocolate taste to you, that would cause you not to enjoy it?"
See what has happened here? You have engaged me. You have said your feelings, and why it's important to you, but you have opened a dialog to find out why I feel as I do, and also learn a bit more about me. Upon questioning me, you find that I struggle with the waxy and overly sugared taste of milk chocolate mostly occurring in the United States, but I will still eat a Snickers or a Twix, or European milk chocolate on occasion. I just like the bitter and more intruginge flavors of dark chocolate more. I don't like sugar as much as you do, but we have some common ground, and have gained empathy for eachother view points, broke down the us vs them mentality, and actually strengthened our friendship.
Actually, this example works for reasons 1 and 4 as well. If you think I am wrong in not liking milk chocolate, then you need to find out why I don't like it before you can ever hope to change my mind. If you find out the reason why, and see that it's the waxy sugar thing, but that's what you love about it, then we will never agree, but hopefully, because we engaged in thoughtful and empathetic conversation, we can appreciate our differences as part of the spice and diversity of life.
If you can't accept that I don't like that flavor and taste, and continue to try to force me to enjoy the same taste you do, it becomes trolling again, your comment gets deleted and the conversation ends, with a bad taste in both our mouths, so it may have been best just to hide my post, vent to a fellow milk chocolate lover, think I'm strange. And let it go.
Two other important senarios:
5- you are a good friend, teasing and joking with me. In this instance, please follow with a winky emoji ;) so I know your tone is that of a sibling, and you are just having some fun.
6- if in my comments I have said something that is ignorant and hurtful to a group of people that I am not a part of.
In which case, please comment publicly with kindness, and in a way that helps me generate empathy. For example
"Generalizing about the health of people that like milk chocolate is very hurtful. Some very healthy people also enjoy milk chocolate. Some people who are not in good health also enjoy milk chocolate, it brings joy to their life. Other people eat milk chocolate because of stress and things like that, and heaping shame on them makes their burden heavier.
(Right here is where most people calling people out go wrong- tell me something I can do to improve my comments, don't just rip them apart and say I am hurting people and I'm an insensitive jerk)
... It would be helpful if you could not make broad generalizations about people's health. I know you weren't trying to be hurtful, but this could have a real negative impact on someone in a very personal way, and i would just like you to consider how you would feel if you were them when posting.
Or something like that. Obviously, I'm illustratating this with things that are not very serious, and that probably wouldn't actually spark controversy. I chose this instead of something more decisive like political things, or the actual cause of this post - the United Airlines thing (I got multiple comments saying "you're wrong" or "this article is wrong!") Because I wanted to illustrate with things that aren't going to already have people up in arms just by the example.
I hope this had been informative and helpful to understanding my new rules and requirements for engaging disagreements on social media- primarily Facebook. I am not perfect in this myself, and I have accidently become a troll at times as well. Which makes me feel yucky after.
So let's just all try to improve in our engagement. I will be deleting posts that I feel are flaming, or trolling, or trying to incite contention, whether it was intended or not. I'm not going to sit back and watch things spiral out of control any more, it causes me too much anxiety.
From time to time, I am going to write blog posts addressing things concerning my leaving the LDS faith, and how I feel as an "ExMo." I write these to address things that are getting back to me as misinterpretations of my experience by friends and family. I recognize that the people that most need to understand the things I am writing here, will never read it.
However, conversations with those people reveal that the rumor mill is alive and active about me, and so, if you the reader could, put these facts into that mill, so hopefully it will disseminate to those needing clarification (my friends, and my family), that do not actually desire to discuss it with me directly. I will not be writing anything here that will be demeaning to anyone's faith, or put down the church. I am simply clarifying some things that keep coming up in regards to my choices personally. Thank you for your assistance with this matter.
So, earlier this week, a friend of mine texted me that she was glad that my engagement had fallen through, because she hoped it would mean I would come back to the church. That sparked this blog.
The fallacy that my friends hope is operating on is a common misunderstanding perpetuated frequently by talks and other things by high up LDS leadership. That being that people are leaving the church so that they can "Sin" Anyone who has had a real conversation with people who have left the church would understand that this is generally not true.
Most people, do not leave the church so that they can "sin." Rather, they leave the church generally because of getting a different answer on truth claims, history,or doctrine, of the church that they feel they can not morally stand behind in honesty any more, and thus must go their separate way. The social,and familial repercussions most people who leave the church face are deep enough that nothing so shallow as "wanting to sin" would be reason enough to face that pain and rejection.
There is also a persistent fallacy that people leave the church because they were offended by the imperfect body of saints that are members of the church. i.e. a local leader, people in their ward or stake. I have yet to meet anyone that left the church because they were offended by local congregants. I have seen people go inactive sometimes for that reason, in connection with bigger more serious doubts as to church teachings, but never in isolation to "so and so offended me, so I am done"
More often, if people are offended by a person in the church its coming from the top, things that the highest leaders are teaching, that we can recognize are being followed by local congregants. That doesn't mean we've never been hurt or offended by local leaders and church members, but in general, its not someones biggest or only reason for leaving the church. So often when we hear "the church is perfect but the members are not, will you please come back now?" the response you may get is, "Well actually I love my local member friends deeply they weren't my problem, the church was" The general consensus is that Mormons are very nice people for the most part, that do a lot of really great and wonderful things in their community and outside of it.
For me personally, I will take this moment to clarify, that I didn't leave the church because someone locally offended me. Yes, I had some hurtful interactions, before, during, and since leaving, but I also still deeply love and appreciate my LDS friends, and have had just as many if not more wonderful experiences interacting with them.
I also didn't leave the church to be in a relationships with a woman. I didn't leave the church to marry a woman. I actually started dating women long before I left the church, and I felt right with that before God, as we had dialoged much about it in prayer. I wouldnt have ever dated a woman, if i believed it was wrong. I started dating women, because I disnt believe it was wrong, and i knew it would work better for me than continuing to date men i couldnt be in an honest and reciprocoI loving relationship with.
I recognized that I probably would eventually be excommunicated because of that and church policy, but even with the November 5th policy, that wouldn't have changed anything for me. What did change for me was the policy's lines about children of same sex married couples. Ultimately i chose to leave the church rather than be excomunicated, to take ownership of my own moral convictions and beliefs.
For me, the policy drew a hard line in the sand, where after much thought and prayer I just realized that my beliefs and the churches beliefs on this matter were irreconcilable and i was no longer at a point that I could ignore that and pretend other wise after a life time of trying. I had to be true to what I truly felt and believed and respectfully go my own way.
Upon this decision, I spend some time pondering, What if they are right, and what if I am wrong. And I came to the decision that that doesn't matter to me. I was also done pretending that the Celestial kingdom I had been taught of was any concept of the afterlife I wanted. In fact, I found it would meet the definition of my personal Hell. So I was done. and I resigned, even though I knew this would be hard on my family and friends, and myself in many ways, because I had to do what I felt was right and true and the best course for me. And I love and respect those who stay because they feel it is the best course for them.
Ultimately if it is true, you can visit me at a lower kingdom if you feel so inclined any way, as I was taught many many times in my life, people from high post earthly kingdoms have the privilege of doing.
But I would appreciate it, if anyone thinking that they can friendship me back in the church would stop. I am 99% sure I am not coming back. I leave 1% because i can not ever with complete certainty say that there is nothing that would ever convince me to return, but at this point in life it is extremely unlikely, and I would appreciate it if people would not try to friendship me back into the church. I was an extremely active Mormon, and I can tell when people are doing that, and its very annoying, and your conditions of friendship/love are very transparent to me, and it feels insincere. I have many friends that are my genuine friends, and I can tell they are my genuine friends, and I love them so much for that, and I am sorry to cause them any pain for my exit of the faith. If I could have spared them that pain, I would have loved to. I mourn with them in that pain, and then we move forward with life.
Next, I would like to just address that I am incredibly happy now. I like my life, and the opportunity I now have, the freedom I now have to decided for myself what is true, and what i am OK with leaving as a blank space or grey area, and what I don't feel is true at all. I still have a clear morality, and I didn't go crazy upon leaving and not being told what is or isn't right. I like to take the time and think these things out myself, and most of the principles i was taught in my upbringing have stuck. I feel it is very important to be honest, to be kind, to do good, to help others, to keep my body and mind healthy. etc.
Now, I have spoken ad nausem about why I left the church, and the reasons most people who leave the church do not actually have for leaving the church. I want to address any regrets people may think I might have about my membership.
As I have spoken to people about this, I have gotten many questions about if I regret my mission, or if I regret the way I was raised, or my time in the church, if I wish I had left sooner.
Mostly, No. I do not. I would love to have not had the pain of internalized homophobia growing up, or being surrounded with negative statements that made me feel I was broken, that i needed to be fixed, or that kept me from connecting to people like my cousin or others of the LGBT community, which would have helped me be less depressed and have less suicide idealation growing up and even into my early thirty's.
I do not regret being a missionary for the LDS church. I loved my mission. there were hard things, and there were good things, and over all I would say I gained wonderful and worth while experience and friendships from it. I don't regret that I taught people, and they were baptized. I think that for those the church works for, it can be an amazingly positive addition to their lives, and give them a wonderful community of some of the nicest people in the world. I would say most, if not all the people I taught that it didn't work for, have since left the church and are happy in life, as are those that it worked for that stayed in.
Mormonism is a part of my culture and world lens. It always will be. I am always grateful for the things that I gained, the confidence I gained as a missionary, from learning public speaking, from ward choirs that taught me how to sing, and read music (kind of), that helped me cultivate talents, and friendships, that taught me to be honest, and to be kind to others, from the many wonderful experiences I gained doing service.
If there is anything I could get back, I probably would like my tithing money back, because most of it doesn't go to the things I would like it to have gone to, and I would like to use that money as I see fit, but i consider it part of the cost of the things I gained, so its fine.
The only grudge, I guess you can say I have against the church, is the unnecessary wall that it creates in my personal relationships with my family and some friends. I think it often takes an extraordinary amount of time and dialog to get past that, and has created some real barriers to a genuine relationship for me as someone outside the church,as a former member, with some inside the church.
I think a lot of this comes from fear that I, or people like me, will try to pull you away from your faith, or bring you down. I have no desire to do that. For the most part, people who have experienced a faith crisis and then change, have no desire to inflict that pain on anyone else. It is at times, when you are in that crisis, quite painful to confront all these feelings and conflicts with your beliefs and what you have spent your whole life believing.
Its not my place to put you through that. It would be nice if no one ever had to go through that, but I am glad I did because it helped me to grow immensely as a person, and has brought me out the other side to a place of deep joy, peace, and confidence in my self and humanity in a broader sense with or without religion in individuals lives. If someone is going through that, I am willing to support them through it, even if the come to a different conclusion at the end of it than I.
ultimately I still deeply believe in the article of faith that states basically that "we claim the privilege of worshiping God (or not) according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men (women, and other genders) the same privilege let them worship how, where or what they may"
And I will leave it at that. I think that answers most of the questions that have come up recently. If you have any more, please send them my way.
*This blog post will feature numerous spoilers for the Live Action Beauty and the Beast Film, please do not read it if you do not want spoilers and have not seen the film*
I loved the new live action Beauty and the Beast. Though not perfect, I enjoyed it a lot. I especially enjoyed the music and have been listening to the soundtrack pretty much non stop. This has got me thinking (sings) "A dangerous past time I know"
A few things have become apparent to me, perhaps with the help of this fan theory about a time loop that connected the dots for me a little more.
so, first thing I realized is that Gaston is kind of a shadow figure of the Beast. Because of the back story we got on the Beast and how the curse came about, its quite clear that the qualities that got him and his castle, and town cursed were quite similar to the qualities held by Gaston. Cruelness, vanity, shallow obsession with looks, complete lack of concern for anyone else. The reasons he became this way, and that he could be redeemed were made clear in the film. With Gaston, he is a two dimensional caricature of only the beasts worst qualities, and with no real hope of redemption. Thus it is the thing that actually brakes the curse isn't directly that the beast truly loves belle, and bell truly loves him back, it is more that because he loved belle, and she came back for him his hart was changed and rather than fighting with Gaston, and showing that cruelness etc in his actions, he shows compassion, and walks away from the fight. Gaston dies because of his own choices, and in no way at the Beasts hand. The Beast is killed by Gaston, but is redeemed by the enchantress after walking away from a symbolic/literal representation of the worst parts of his former self - Gaston. I think that's an important thing to realized, but not the big thing.
So The big thing came about because I was thinking about how horrible it is that the Village and all the servants in the castle were cursed because of the choices and actions of their ruler, the Prince, the Beast. This is horribly unfair of the enchantress, and just didn't seem right to me. As the film progresses the Beast is truly sorry for bringing this curse on others, but is trapped by his shame and guilt in a way that didn't allow him to break out of it, until someone from outside that curse came in and stood up to him.
So my thoughts initially on why the servants were cursed (at this point I hadn't considered the villagers), were that it was because they did nothing to stand up to the Prince and correct his ways, they let him get away with the horrible things he did. However it struck me that this is not an equal relationship, so its not fair to expect those servants to risk their own safety and jobs and well beings and that of their families to stand up to this powerful man. Nor would it have done any good. They would have been worse off, and the Prince/ Beast unchanged.
Then a thought hit me... throughout history we can look at example after example and see the same thing. When a tyrant reigns, when cruel and compassion-less people are in charge the entirety of the people under their charge suffer. Now, this plays into the time loop theory, because under oppressive rulers the marginalized, the people that are different (belle and her father for instance) suffer the most, but everyone suffers. Stuck in that time loop, we do not move forward, we do not advance. We are all trapped, until love can set us free.
Also, under cruel leaders, people become more cruel. As with Gaston and the mob, the people were content to let bell and her father be locked up unjustly so they could go "kill the beast" some creature they knew nothing about, except for the lies that Gaston told them, based off pure imagination and his desire for the kill. This happens in real society, often tyrannical leaders scapegoat some group or type of people and go for blood. What Gaston really wanted was power, and control, and his fight,his trophy, his chance to defeat the Beast, in a way another type of himself, at least earlier in the story.
Ultimately the servants in the castle used active and passive resistance, and open defiance to create the opportunities that put belle and the beast in a position to set everyone free from the curse if the Beasts tyrany.
When tyrants reign over us, we are all injured by their actions, we are all cursed. Even if,like the villagers, we have not idea, or awareness that we are so cursed. And that for me, was the biggest lesson I have gained from this film.
Other things I noticed that I had a problem with, are that not only in this film and the animated series, but in most English and American films, we do not represent people from their country or culture with actors from that country or culture, but with Americans or English actors. Even though its set in France, only one character even has a french accent, Lumiere, and he is played by a British actor. Why couldn't we have had French actors? I think it would have been better if we had done this from the start. The reason I am OK to look the other way this time is 1) I loved Emma Watson as belle, mainly because I love Emma Watson. 2) If Mrs. Potts hadn't had a cockney accent, a part of my childhood would have felt super offended.
I hope in Mulan, they will actually cast Chinese actors. This problem needs to be fixed.
Any way, those are my deep thoughts on Beauty and the Beast.
As I walked out of my office building, and towards the ferry two women walked passed me, linked arm to arm. As I passed them, one slid her hand down into the hand of the other, and fingers intertwined walked lovingly on.
I smiled as I walked away from them, towards the ferry.
In that moment hundreds of thoughts, memories and realizations hit me all at once. That I was happy, and empowered, not burdened by their tender public show of affection struck me immediately. I remembered first having a hand of my own to hold like that. And, I felt certain in that moment I would have one again.
I also remembered how in years past when I would see lady couples holding hands I felt both excited and scared about it, incredibly jealous, and terribly lonely. I remember seeing women together and thinking 'That's so great, I wish I could have that, but I know I can't.' And the weight of it as I walked away was one of the heaviest things I've ever carried in life.
I realized in this later happy day, that it was February, and I should have been planning a wedding now, but I'm not. And I was strangely not sad about that. I was grateful for the experience of having had my ex in my life, all the beauty and love she had added. I'm grateful that she was the first woman to hold my hand and I'm grateful that we are still friends and I'm grateful that I don't have to feel that hopelessness and isolation ever again, of wanting love and companionship in my life so desperately, but feeling like I would have to accept a version of it that was false to me, not just for now, but forever. I don't know if you can understand how that feels unless you live it.
I've heard from many Mormon and some other Christians, something along the lines of this "Well, there are single straight people, and they have to be celibate too"
What this phrase fails to comprehend is that feeling I used to struggle with, hopelessness of feeling like authentic romantic relationships were never going to be allowed for your authentic self.
And that's the best I can do to describe that for you. I have no idea if that is good enough, but my straight single friends always at least had some degree of hope that they could meet someone, fall in love and if not in this life, in the eternities. For me to have that, my only hope was that I, in my authentic form would cease to exist.
Now, that's a bit of a downer. And thankfully over time I came to feel that that idea was completely wrong for me. I let it go.
Mostly, I quit living my life for everyone else, and I started to listen to what my heart said was true. I am worthy of love, I am worthy of happiness, I as my authentic self am worthy of whole and authentic relationships. And I have a lot more to offer the world now than I ever did before.
The perilous house of cards I had set up in my earlier life crumbled. Before I had always to guard it from any and every wind. And life always felt so on edge and dangerous. But as they do, houses of cards always crumble. And in it's place my true home is being built, on the foundation of authenticity, love, and honesty.
So, scarred and tormented younger self, I live my life for you, fully, completely, authentically, and joyfully.
No more pain, only joy at the sight of two women in love.
"Hello darkness, my old friend,I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence
In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared Disturb the sound of silence
"Fools" said I, "You do not know, silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming
And the signs said,
"The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls And whisper'd in the sounds of silence"
-The Sound of Silence, written by Paul Simon, cover performed by Disturbed.
I have been thinking a lot in the past few days, both of the beauty and power of silence, and its pain. In weeks past, I often felt alone, Isolated in my feelings, and experiences. Darkness encompassed me again, as a nation, a world, friends, family were talking passed each other, ridiculing, and not listening. Hopelessness grew. But more cutting than words and digs, can be silence. I thought back to just about 5, 6 months ago when I got engaged. Yes, it hurt to have a person verbally attack me. But far worse than that was the silence from some closest to me when I was engaged, And the hollowness of the returning noise when that engagement ended. I have not forgot that silence. Phone calls ended suddenly at the mention of a name, because of gender alone. Phone calls suddenly abundant because it was over.
I know the message that was intended (change, conform for us), but the silence is not forgotten and what it really told me was who I cannot trust, and who I can.
"We will remember, not the words of our
enemies, but the silence of our friends"
-Seattle Women's march Speaker
As I heard those sounds spoken, I knew what this woman meant, and I remembered it, and I realized that that is what is cutting the deepest, for me during this time. Its not that my friends and I have and are expressing different political views, Its the silence that comes when regardless of your views, we ought to stand up for fellow humans that are being treated poorly, but for some reason we don't.
"We can disagree, and still love each other, unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist"
We other, we read these words and we think "yeah, those guys aught to knock it off." instead of taking a moment and hearing what they are saying. I'm guilty of that. I've done it. I did it just the other day. My friends had a valid complaint, and rather than hearing them I was about to say, "yeah but...." and then I paused, I waited a day, and I came back, and I asked .... "what can we do to do this better? to meet both our needs how can we come together on this?"
And I don't know that I would normally do that. But to be honest, another moment of silence changed my heart, and my fear and my loneliness and added some kindness and compassion. A lot of people have asked me what that march I went to was about. Why did I go? Some of my friends were asked why they went when it wouldn't change anything. I can't speak for them, but I will speak for me. I went because I was feeling helpless and silenced, and voiceless. So I went to claim my voice. And what I found was Zion.
I found people, not just women. Old, young, black, white, Asian, Muslim,Christian, Atheist, Scientist, Disabled, Queer, Straight, Able bodied, Trans, Cis, all coming together to stand up for each other, imperfectly, but doing it all the same. Next time, perhaps we can be even more inclusive. I think the power I felt at this came directly from how inclusive it was, so if say we made more trans inclusive sinage or maybe didn't make disparaging remarks about peoples bodies to make our point (tiny hands signs im talking to you) we could get our message accross better.
We marched, more than 10,000. 175,000. 3 Million. More. Seattle, St. George, London, Africa, Asia, Alabama. We marched together. And I can only speak to my experience, in one small corner of Seattle, where we marched, mostly silent, but powerfully. Police our friends, not postured to attack us, but to protect our free speech ( I will tell you this does make a difference in helping it be non violent, and there are difficult reasons to hear why they were being supports for us, but are not always for others).
The most powerful things of the day were speakers asking people to be mindful, don't step in front of those we are marching for as allies (we were all each others allies) let them lead, lets amplify each others voices. Not to litter, because we were also standing up for the earth. People were courteous and kind, polite. we stopped for the disabled, we helped them. We weren't impatient with the person in front of us, even though we got tired, and hungry and sore. at one point I needed to pee. I only saw 4 port-a-potties, the line was sooo long. but no one complained, no one pushed. They were the cleanest I have ever seen, despite being probably also the fullest.
And as we marched forward, in mostly quiet, waves of sound would travel occasionally forward from behind us. You could feel that sound wave piercing, Whispered, if you will, in the sound of silence. We felt the vibration of it long before the vocal wave reached us and we joined in, to watch it travel on. POWERFUL. just a Woooooo!
The things I gained from Saturday was the knowledge I am not alone. There are people, complete strangers even, that will stand up for me, that will stand beside me. I learned how powerful we are when we stand together, for the rights of people that are different than us. I learned that sometimes you have to give your self self care and recover, and sometimes you have to fight on, and neither one is anything to be ashamed of. I learned that if we are going to stand up for each other in these moments, we must plan and prepare for it, or we will cower and falter in adversity. I learned the positive power of sounds, and of silence, and that both are important, and both must be used, to lift, not to shame. not to beat down, but to stand up for the down beaten.
I have frequently thought recently, this country should probably just get a divorce, because we have some irreconcilable differences, and we may have, I'm still not sure.
But I do know that people that are willing to stand up for each other are all over this country in the smallest towns and the largest towns. They are republican, they are democrat, they are independents.They are the people that realize we don't build a great America without everyone.. gay, straight, Muslim, christian, atheist, scientist, black, white, able bodied, disabled, mentally ill, "normal" those willing to allow others to be thrown under the bus out of fear of what they will loose if women are payed equally with men in their same positions, or if some moms choose to stay at home... fail to see that all this diversity is what leads to forward movement, to progress, to invention.
I recently discussed in a book group (haven't got to read the book yet) The Professor and the Mad Man. It is a book about a man in an asylum (mental) who during the Victorian era was schizophrenic, and had committed a murder in what he thought self defense because of his delusions. And felt bad about what had happened, and had others reach out to the widow to bring her support. He had been a doctor before this, and was a very intelligent man. She reached out back and brought him books to read in the asylum. In one of the books was a pamphlet asking for help with the Oxford English dictionary. Without this man's help, we wouldn't have had the wonderful dictionary that came of his efforts, and other peoples compassion. His contribution was extraordinary.
All people have worth. All people have value. Not all Ideas have worth and value, but all people do. and more important than hearing each others words, are hearing each others lived experiences. So we can have empathy, So we can start to march together, even though you may be here for one thing, and I am here for something else. I will speak up for you. will you please also speak up for me? and for my friend over there?
As I marched with my friend, I said to her "If people could just be like this every day, we WOULD change the world"
I will end with the words of another march speaker
Last week was the week of kindness and love in the Phoenix festival. I thought with it being christmas, and boxing day that was most appropriate. I thought it was going to be a week focused on giving to others, but I was so exhausted all week it became a week of kindness and love to self. Mostly expressed by letting myself finish Xena and relax, and going to bed at 9 pm. Super early for me.
This week is the week of the Phoenix Rising. It is a new year. Last year was pretty crap, so now it's time to gather our strength, rise from the ashes and soar into a new year. I hope this year is better, but if it's not, I'm ready to fight to make it the best it can be.
We still have a few feast days and things ahead this week. So happy phoenix festival through the 5th, and happy new year.
Yesterday was the feast of the true framily. I firmly believe every good holiday should come with at least one feast day, especially if it's in the depressingly sunless winter time.
When I was on my mission, I learned that Lithuanians have this deliciously rich tradition called Kučios, or Christmas Eve. I never got to go to a real Kučios dinner, because it was a big family day, and all the family came home from it from all over. We went and visited and orphanage instead, which was richly rewarding.
However, because of this I have only read about all the superstitions and traditions associated with Kučios, so I never felt comfortable trying to recreate it.
So when the time came for my own holiday season being dreamed into existance, I decided it should have a feast day on Christmas eve. And so it came to pass... ;) because I made it so.
Ever since I was at least a teenager, I've felt that the most important people in your life are your Framily. A group not bound by blood, but something stronger than blood. I always described them as family that get you so well they are also your friends, and friends bonded so tightly to you they become as close or closer than your family.
If I were to make my own Kučios type celebration (which I did), then Framily that could come should be the ones invited, and the ones that couldn't come remembered and honnored.
Unfortunately most people can't come on Christmas eve. But I did have a lovely 7 course meal (thanks to the instant pot and two blenders, It only took 3 hrs to make instead of a week) with my exfiancee, and I think it was a lovely healing day of friendship for us. We also did those British Christmas crackers, because I always wanted to see what they were about.
Any way, now it's christmas/hanukka, and I have left the day as it has been for my life, and I am chilling at home watching Netflix alone, and napping alot, which is exactly as I wish.
There was one Christmas drama moment, I suppose I could share, as a Christmas bonus...
So I was talking to my mom on the phone after emptying my giant stocking of stuff my mom sent me, and Nick had had his toy for about an hour. He managed to get the squeek out of the toy before I called , so I had put it up where he couldn't grab it (I thought)
Mid phone conversation he jumped up on the table, grabbed the squeek, and swallowed it before I could get away. So then I'm on the phone with my mom and start cussing up a storm because now I'm probably going to have to take him to the vet, and it will cost a small fortune. It pretty much ended the call with, well let's hope it passes OK, just watch him.
20 minutes later, he threw it up. All is well. Merry Christmas.
There are two "burning days" during the Phoenix Festival. You wouldn't have a Phoenix if there wasn't at least one, but we have two.
The first one was "The Burning of the Fifth" which also happens to fall on Guy Fawes/bonfire night, but for The Phoenix Fest, is about remembering the 5th of November because of the LDS Policy, and those it affected, and something is symbolically burned (a letter, a picture, etc.) On that day.
The second burn day is today, the Fire of The prophetess. Today we light on fire a symbol of things harmful or oppressive to women. It's as simple as that. Thinking upon what that should be, or what means today, is a personal matter requiring reflection, and action. A symbolic fire should stoke you to fight against the flames of misogyny still running rampant in the world, in whatever way you feel inspired to do so.
I'm just having a little fire in my fire place tonight, someday I would like to have a bonfire, but it is Dec 23rd, so it may be a bit cold. For those participating, I hope you have a wonderful Fire of the Prophetess.
This week probably isn't what you think it is, based off of the title. This week means that we are a good chunk of the way through Phoenix Festival, and we have had a lot of time for confronting our demons and introspection.
This week is about forgiviness, of self and others. This week is about letting go of regrets. This week means that you have confronted hard things for over a month, and now you can learn to feel at peace with the past, and move toward the future with energy and hope.
This had been a very heavy year for most people I know. This week, know that the past can be a lesson, that it can be a steping stone or a stumbling block. Find a way this week, to use the lessons of your past to vault you into a wonderful future.
If you feel your imperfections and errors, be kind to yourself. Keep trying, even when you fail. We are all humans and you are not alone. This weekend I went to a skating show. I thought a lot about how as a figure skater, one of my greatest talents was to fall correctly, so I could quickly get back up and skate on. Sometimes, even I fell horribly and had to stay down for a minute to recover, but eventually, we all skate on.
Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. No one can do it alone. We are a team, and this week is the part where we begin to dust off the ashes of our past.
Hey Mandi, did you already write your Phoneix Festival post this week? Week of the Weird? or something like that? Where did that post go?
Yes, Sunday I wrote a post for Week of the Queer-Phoenix Festival. I deleted it. Why? because it was crap. I don't write well when I am feeling vulnerable about a subject and I hold back. Sunday I felt really vulnerable, and I also felt internal pressure to write something, so I half-assed it and wrote what I consider to be absolute garbage. True, but garbage. So I deleted it Monday. Now its Tuesday, and I'm ready to get real. So is this post going to be about more Gay stuff? why do you feel like you have to talk about that? why can't you just privately live that part of your life for yourself? why you Queer people always have to be coming out, and talking about all that stuff, especially when you know a lot of us don't feel like its morally appropriate? Well, I guess this kind of brings me to the point of Pride in general, and my personal reason for making this week "The Week of the Queer" which I tried to make more broad so that everyone can feel included and celebrate the beautiful pieces of themselves which aren't always appreciated by others, but in my original post, I don't think I really did a good job of explaining what or why that is. The reason I need this week, is the same reason I had to delete my first post. This part of me that I have come to deeply love and enjoy and appreciate, is a part of myself that I deeply hated and fought against and tried to erase for much of my life. I could say a great many things about cultures and religions, and shame and misunderstanding, and all of that would be true and a contributing factor, and I dare say that is the root of pride in the summer/spring months around the world. But Phoenix Festival is really about looking inside, and beyond all that exterior stuff. I still sometimes fight internal battles. It's usually now driven by external fears and residual cultural shame, but the only thing I have learned I can do about that is resist it with vulnerability. If you read my post earlier this week, you may have noticed it was a bit Xena obsessed. Well, that's because I am currently watching Xena, now in my mid 30's, for the first time ever. It's something I think I really wanted to watch in my adolescence, and my parents never told me I couldn't watch it. I told me I couldn't watch it, because all of the talk of "lesbian subtext"( which turned out to be real and not just talk). But I told me I couldn't watch it because I hated myself for being attracted physically, emotionally, and romantically to women, and I was terrified someone would figure it out. So I made fun of Xena a lot, and I really wished I could watch it. I am watching it now, and I love it. But now I am watching it alone. Its been off the air for years, and everyone who has watched it, is just like yeah, I watched it . Its great. And I have no one to talk about all the deep symbolic things with. Another thing I did, although I did it a week or two early, I bought a Utility Kilt, and some ties. And I wore my Kilt and Ties, and fancy button up shirts, and I wore them together. I have always loved androgynous looks, but I have been terrified to wear a tie, even after I came out, because I still care what people think, and I am still afraid people are going to make comments and its going to hurt. Their opinions don't really matter to me, and I like how I look, but I can still be quite sensitive. Crappy comments happened when I cut my hair short too, and sometimes I still get crappy comments from old friends or co workers about that. I love my hair, so they can go jump in a cold lake, but it still stings. They don't have to like it, but their opinion isn't really my business. If you don't like my clothes or my hair cut, great- don't copy my style. If you do like them, please tell me, because I'm trying to be confident about it in public, but 30-ish years of fear and hiding is a lot to overcome. This is the week of the Queer. I am using it to own my own style,my own likes and dislikes that I have felt distanced from by fear my whole life. For me, that tends to skew to a relation to all things rainbow, because that's something I have had to fight myself, and external forces of societies and cultures to embrace. You may have had to fight for something else, a short haircut when you aren't gay, loving your star trek, or any number of other crappy things we ridiculously shame ourselves or others for. This week is about publicly owning that, FOR YOURSELF. to empower yourself to love you, to love the things you love, and to enjoy and feel passionate about the things you feel passionate about. I do put one qualification on that- since its my holiday season- things that are not hateful, and do not harm others. I shared today that I ran while listening to Imagine Me and You, the song by the Turtles, and I ran to it, because its the name of my favorite romantic comedy. But I've never shared that that's my favorite before, because even though it is a great movie in its own right, gay or straight (I've had straight friends confirm, it is 100% worth watching even if you are not queer), it does have Lena Hadley's character falling in love with Piper Perabo's and I don't feel like that is something I'm allowed to share, and that feeling, is stupid. its a great movie, and I love it. Another thing growing up, I always felt silenced on, was my full celebrity crush list. because I Bisexual, (homo-Romantic just to qualify that) I had readily available my list of male celebrity crushes, and got to share that all the time. But I never got to share my girl celebrity crushes, and that always really sucked. I'm sure you can probably guess my current list- Megan Rapinoe, curler Eve Muirhead, Anna Kendrick, Kate Mckinnon, and from Xena, the actress that played Calysto- Hudson Lieck. I could probably go on and on, but those are the top right now. Does it matter? No. Not really. But the privilege of sharing that, and not feeling fear from it is something hard fought for in my life, and its something I still battle. and that is what this week is about. What is it hard for you to own about your likes, loves, and dislikes in life? if you don't have anything that makes you feel super vulnerable to admit that you love, gay, straight, and everything in between and round about you are an incredibly lucky person. If you never have felt uncomfortable in your clothes, or your appearance, or because you like to read some book or watch some movie, or hold some ones hand, or you have had few struggles with that since hitting adult hood, you are pretty lucky. My guess is, even the most confident among us struggle with this on some level. Our cultures and societies are full of shame. We internalize it, and its really hard to overcome. That's why we have Megan Rapinoe writing letters to her 13 year old self and sharing it with the world, that's why we have Brene Brown, and that's why a lot of things. Thank you, for taking the time to read this. And thank you to those that read it even after reading the first post I deleted. I would like for anyone that reads this and is willing, to give you an opportunity at the end of the week, or in the middle if you have a lot to say, to write me something to share in this blog about your Week of the Queer, your Mid-Winters Pride. I think the more we talk and share these things with each other, the less power shame has, and the deeper the power human connection has. I love you guys, and I am so glad you give me so many opportunities to share such personal things. I gotta go. I only have until January 1st to finish watching Xena, then its gone from Netflix. I have an interesting fan girl theory I want to share with anyone who thinks they can appreciate it, If that's you, message me.
This week's theme is quite simple, the Week of the New Spirit is all about finding renewal and hope in life through adventure and trying something new.
As I have traveled, and moved, and tried new things in life I have found that new things expand our experiences in a way that makes the world seem less scary and strange, and expands my cultural lenses to understand people and events that aren't part of my culture or tribe.
I think that it's great that this week is starting on the heals of the announcement about the pipeline moving out from the tribal areas for standing rock, that anouncemnet renewed my hope in the strength of diverse groups of people standing up for eachother.
I think we need that all year round, but especially in the cold dark winter. We can make a real difference in others lives when we stand up for and with people even when what is happening to them isn't affecting us personally, or isn't part of our lived experience.
Go forth my phoenixes, go have some adventures and get to know the world around you a little better. Do something you have never done before, and learn something that you can't learn any other way.
Last saturday I had planned to have a day of meditation to end my focused week of Standing with Standing Rock. I didnt, and I almost feel bad about that, except I did it at the start of the week instead.
It's interesting, when you just make up your own new holiday season, you chart this little road map, and fill in the details as you go. So far, each week has been just what I needed, perhaps that's because I left it all pretty vaugue.
Any way, this week is shameless week. And I'm really late to write my introductory blog about it. Yet another time I feel like I should probably shame myself for that. :(
But this week, named after a song by Tyler Glenn, is actually meant to be in the vein of shame resilience a la Brene Brown school of thought. For a shame resilient week, I'm sure struggling with beating myself up for dumb things that don't matter.
I was hoping to find a post that Elizabeth Gilbert shared a few years back. That post changed my life, and lead me down the road to Brene Brown. I learned from Brene we all feel shame, unless you are a sociopath, but there are some good tricks to counter it, and not get stuck in it.
I think this time of year can be heavy with shame of all sorts, for all the things we should do and feel, but dont.
At some point, we have to realize that we cannot and should not do everything, and that how you feel is valid and normal. A lot of people are struggling with everything you are too. It's ok.
The best gift you can give to the world is to be you, and sometimes to be you, you need to give yourself a break and some down time. Especially this time of the year. So please, skip a few things on your calendar and take some early nights as needed.
Remember you are loved, and love is the most important gift, and sometimes, you have to show yourself some love and kindness first, before you can dole it out to others.
"Now is the time when I let go of of my fears, inhibitions, sense of dread. When I give up control and I let you hold me with no resistance in my soul. This is the day when I throw it all away into the fire of the All Loving One. Now I have just what I need to be free, to feel who I really Am. Here is the place where I fall into grace and release into the sweetness of your love. I surrender, I remember the Light and the Beauty that I am." - This is the Day, Jaya Lakshmi & Ananda
The week of the Divine Self has come and gone, and its been a powerful week. I ended it last night with a Kirtan on Vashon Island. I heard the above song, and felt it was the perfect words to describe my life's journey thus far, the way I have learned to love and embrace me.
The week started equally powerfully, as Monday I watched the latest episode of Supergirl, and saw in the story of Agent Alex Danvers, Supergirl's human sister, So much of my own story, in figuring out who I am, and what it means to be me. This weeks episode, Alex came out to her sister, and it was as real and scary as it was when I came out, all the times. I saw there on the TV the ghost of my past, a 30 something woman facing down and owning a piece of her self she'd tried so hard to avoid for so long.
"I do know how it feels, to keep a part of yourself shut off, to keep it inside, and I know how lonely that can make you feel, but Alex, you are not alone."
This week was about recognizing the wonderful bits within, the neglected parts of your self that make you beautiful and allow you to shine. In my life, just like Alex, I used to strive to be perfect, and I used to feel like a failure in dating, because it never worked for me. And then something changed, slowly over time that little piece of me that I had forced to remain in a silent dark place was finally given oxygen and the light of day. The moment I allowed my heart to start to feel and truly love, without fear, without shutting it off.
Those small, huge moments when the divine reached me and said "you are not broken, go be you, go love you, and go love who you love. Quite trying to fit in, to be perfect, to be someone you are not." Those were the moments that changed my life, and made me whole.
In the past weeks there has been a large rise in hate crimes, there has been a palpable fear of what the future will bring for LGBT people, and other minorities, for a good reason. and as I have waded through these times I have thought, what shall I do for self preservation, Shall I go back into hiding who I am and who I love? Lets be honest, its never been safe to be LGBT, its never been safe to be black, its never been safe to be a Muslim in America. For LGBT people this is why we had to come out in the first place, its nothing anyone WANTED to do, its something we had to do, because our very existence has often been a defiance of the culture and peoples we live among. But it has been a little safer, and kinder, and that was very nice to have. I still dream one day we will not have to come out, I dream one day I can walk down the street holding the hand of the person I love and not think for a moment if we are safe.
But, looking back on where I have come from, and who I have been able to become as soon as I became true to myself, I will not go back to that dark place, no matter the threat. I can only continue becoming more freely and openly me, because I have a light to shine for the world, I have something to give, I have important things to offer, and I can only offer them as my true full self.
I can give you a list of celebrities I deeply love, and I will : Ellen DeGeneres, Megan Rapinoe, and Kate McKinnon... among others. But particularly I love these three. They give me great courage on days that I have none, because they are themselves, they do not hide, they face adversity and people that wish to shut them up, and they keep just being themselves, JOYFULLY. And I feel inspired to do the same when I see them doing this, when I see them standing up for others, when I see them not hiding who they are.
And so, I know, whatever happens in coming days, whenever I get scared and want to do the same, I must find courage, and I must continue to be me and not hide, and hopefully that will give others the same hope, the same courage, that one day we can live in a world that is loving and kind enough to stand up for their neighbour when they are being harassed, pushed around and bullied, that one day we can live in a world where we all own our part in the systems that oppress and other those who may be different and do not cower and slink away from discomfort. A day when we stop minimizing ourselves for those who may disapprove of our existence.
To anyone out there, feeling alone and scared, Just know you are not alone. Just know there always will be people willing to have your back. Just know you are worthy of love, you are worth existing, and thriving. When your Midnight comes, know that dawn is not distant. Even in the darkest of times, there is light, there is joy, there is internal peace.
Its the little things that bring me the greatest joy, love and hope. Its all those little things, that will make all the difference for us all.
"Here is the place where I fall into grace and release into the sweetness of your love. I surrender, I remember the Light and the Beauty that I am."
This coming week is Standing with Standing Rock in the festival of the Phoenix. I have chosen this particularly because there are a lot of really bad things in our history that we overlook when it comes to how the Native, first peoples of this land are and were treated. Thanksgiving shouldn't just be about gratitude for what we have, it should be about protecting what we have, and doing better than our ancestors in how we treat others. Tribalism in this country is alive and well, and if someone isn't a part of our tribe we all easily overlook the horrendous things we inflict upon those "others" I hope that we will be wiser, Those people are not just fighting for their clean drinking water, or their sacred grounds, and allowing those things to be tress passed against will only hurt us all in the end. Please, as you eat your thanksgiving dinner this week, be mindful of the history of how white settlers treated native populations, be mindful of how we have treated this land, abusing it with ingratitude, taking it for granted. WE can do better, and we must. Beyond that my words and experiences are insufficient for what this week is.
Another week of the Festival of the Phoenix has come to an end. When I named these weeks, I was thinking mostly about my journey after the policy last year. I had no idea how this was all going to go down and how fitting the titles would be for the country and not just for me and a few of my friends who know what a broken shelf is.
Wednesday I had named New Ash Wednesday. Fitting post election day, as it was a day for looking at the ashes and destruction around you, and finding hope that we can rise again from the ashes, renewed and strengthened.
So what is a broken shelf?
A shelf is a metaphorical place you put things you are uncomfortable with, you can't find answers to, or that are problems you just don't know how or don't want to face and deal with. A shelf breaks when the weight of the things upon it an no longer be ignored. My religious shelf broke last year after the policy was leaked. It was the thing that made me face all the questions of my religion and spirituality that I had avoided all my life. It was followed by deep soul searching, questioning, looking for answers, and becoming comfortable with not knowing them all, going forward in life still searching and looking with a moral compass guiding me through the unknown.
Americas shelf broke after the election this week. Any time a shelf breaks things are messy and hard and there is tension, and its overwhelming and confusing, and often times frightening. But, it is often the beginning of a journey to a better place. First though, one must wade through the wreckage, and decide how to rebuild and move forward. As a nation, our shelf has definitely broken, and the wreckage is still being evaluated. We have problems we can no longer ignore. Questions we have to ask ourselves about our identity.
The shelf is broken, its not going to hold those problems any more. We have reached a point we have to deal with them, we cannot just continue to ignore them and hope they will go away. Until we can do that we will continue to have a very big destructive mess. There are some things I'm not sure we can fix, so this isn't going to be easy. But step 1 is acknowledging the problems and the broken shelf we can no longer put them on. And that is what all the protests, hate crimes, and hoopla have been about this week- we have problems, we have no shelf to put them on. Now we need Ideas, and empathy, and hearing each other, but we also still can't expect that in doing that the other side is just going to go back to being a problem on our shelf. The shelf is no more.
And so we begin the second week of the Phoenix Festival. Following the week of the Broken Shelf is the week of The Divine Self. This week is about looking within ourselves, finding faith, hope, healing, finding the goodness inside and bringing that goodness to the world. It is about love and kindness, to you and your imperfections and then sharing that same kindness with the world.
often, people that are very hard and judgmental of themselves are also very hard and judgmental of everyone else. If we are to listen, have empathy, rebuild, end the destruction, we must be kind to ourselves. we must also recognize our potential to do and be more than what we have been and what we have become. Then we must strive toward that divinity, toward the most universal human principle in spirituality- love one another. You cannot love another more than you love your self, so after this really difficult week we have all been through, lets take this week, lets center, lets breathe, lets do some self care, some community care, lets be kind, we all have the seed of divinity within us, even your enemies.
"Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you " but also don't be a door step, your voice and your piece of our problem wont go just go away either so we need to hash this out. lets show each other some kindness, lets treat each other as we wish to be treated, and lets treat ourselves as we wish someone would treat those in our lives we love most, and lets see what we can do to take care of each other. And please please do not be dismissive of peoples fears. I promise you some of us have real threats to our ability to live, love, work and safely exist in the results of this election, and telling us we are making it up, doesn't make us feel any safer or better about how easy to ignore our safety and our lives often are. Your economic issues and your other worries and fears shouldn't be dismissed either. Right now our shelf is broken and everything is clearly not ok. its ok to say its not ok, Its ok to protest and make your voice heard. We can't keep pretending it is ok, but we can hope that eventually it will be ok. For reals. not pretendsies.
May we all rise from the ashes of our lives more beautiful, strong, and wise than ever before.
That was a phrase that once reminded me it was Guy Fawkes day. I don't come from a country that actually observes that, but I made my own observances since my brother told me about his experiences in New Zealand and after I saw V for Vendetta back in 2006. Mostly, I just like bonfires and it sounded like fun.
Last year that all changed, and the Fifth of November became a day burned into my memory, and never again as Guy Fawkes day. For the past year its been Policy day. One year since the LDS church policy about same sex married couples, and children tied to these families was released. It was a day that rather symbolically burned my world to the ground, as well as that of many thousands of others. I'm not here to rehash or relive that experience. Its been a year of pain, and joy and growth. Its also been a year where some people died because of that.
So as my calendar approached the 5th of November and the beginning of the Holiday season, I felt a deep dilemma arise within me. This day was going to come, no matter what I did. It was significant, so I would need to mark it, to remember and observe it in some way. I could no longer call it Guy Fawkes day, I could no longer celebrate that tradition. I also didn't want to spend the rest of my life stuck in the pain of calling it "Policy day" I wanted to find my own word for it, something that would reflect the joy of my journey, the pain of losing a piece of me and my community and culture, but the growth and gain moving forward, but also remember those that were harmed, and those that died, respectfully. I could not come up with anything. so I reached out to friends. Some genius friend of mine said to call it Phoenix day, and it stuck.
And then this concept of a Phoenix, burning, dying in a pile of ash, then growing from that rubble and rising again a new, whole and amazingly beautiful creature flashed into my head. This was not something for one day, this is a journey, and deserves a season.
I also thought of last holiday season, how shattered and empty and no longer mine it was. All the old traditions I tried to observe felt hollow and distant, and someone elses. I came up with the Christmas Socks last year trying to fill that void. You can't just leave times like that empty. So I decided, since the Christmas Socks last year helped me feel better about the Christmas season than I had even in years, maybe owning the whole season, not just a sock drive or the 5th of November, creating my own new traditions that meet my needs, that was a good way to find healing for this whole time of year.
And with that the Festival of the Phoenix was born. Beginning on Nov. 5th with The Burning of the Fifth, and going all the way to January 5th and The Day of the Rising of the Phoenix, I have calendared my own new holiday season, mixing in things like Christmas and Thanksgiving, but in ways that remain relevant and personally meaningful to me, and anyone wishing to join me in celebrating this season, in recognizing the beauty of the human journey, of our resilience in the face of having everything in our lives seemingly burned to the ground yet rising above it again to live our lives fully and beautifully as creatures renewed.
Tomorrow is the Burning of the Fifth, the first day of the Festival of the Phoenix. There will be bonfires, to remind us of what was lost, what was destroyed, what became a pile of ash. On the sixth there will be a day of remembrance for those that were lost. And then as the months proceed there will be weeks I have designated for healing, for searching, and for showing love to human kind. When January fifth comes, I will rise and go forward to a new year, and a new journey remembering the joy of becoming, the results of painful growing.
Tomorrow, may November the Fifth burn in your heart. To my Queer Mormon community and affected allies, may you remember the pain, and retain hope, from the ashes will spring forth a new life.
