The Emerald City Gets Beastly Love

Magic was in the air this morning as I boarded my bus, then my ferry, then into my office, up the elevator, and into my group. A smile crossed my face each and every time I passed someone, and a soft but determined "Go Hawks" was uttered.  Every tee shirt, hat and jersey I saw, every friend that posted... Im not into football, but look at my blue and green roses, check out my shirt, we're having an office party.
Even the manager that moved here from Denver sported a Seahawks shirt. "when in Rome.." She'd say.
Im not a football fan either. Ive not been much into professional sports excepting MLS soccer, and major events involving professionals such as the World Cup, and the Olympics for well over a decade.
The last time I cared at all about an NFL game of any kind was when Steve Young was in the Superbowl. That was a long long time ago.
Surprised? Those of you following me on Facebook may be, because Ive been loud and proud about my Seahawks for oh, maybe a month now.

In 1997, John Stockton sent the Utah Jazz to the NBA finals. They lost, but they came back in 1998, and we thought they had it, but they lost it again. No one ever expected the Utah Jazz to be as good as they were. A team from Utah couldn't possibly be that awesome. But they were, and it was magic that changed a community, and brought people together. Even though they lost again the second time, they always were the true champions in my heart.

In the summer of 1998, I got on a plane and flew to France. The World cup was happening at that time IN FRANCE. I liked soccer, but i didn't really "get it" until I watched World Cup games with my French family night after night, and finally "saw" on home turf, on a tiny TV that was being watched by 200 french campers and that magical moment when the beloved Zezou, and team pulled off a miracle and beat Brazil to win the World Cup.

For a small moment, just as I had seen in Utah, just as I've seen with multiple Olympics, but especially 2002 (because I was there), just as I see now magic descended and that time, an entire nation was changed, united in brotherhood, and oneness.

As I worked get my Bachelors degree in French about a decade after that magical summer, that moment in time stood out in my head. So I did a paper on it. On the belief the French had had that that moment would unite them and end the infighting between the "French" French and "Les Beurres" immigrant, Muslim French families.

It did for a time, but it didn't last, because it was only a starting point, not a magic bullet. The same is true for any of these big events that bring us together for a moment, and give us such joy and community. They are great, and we never forget them, but permanent change and unity is up to us. I think girls camp was like that for me with the young women and leaders when I was growing up, eventually clicks came back, and it made me sad, but for a time we were all friends and it was great
I love that feeling, and I jump on every chance to be a part of those moments, because the more of them I can have in this life the happier I feel.

Seattle is a dark and depressing place in the winter, but right now you wouldn't know that by looking on any of our faces, or talking to us. The mood has lifted, and we are one, or 12, you choose.

I hope Seattle wins Sunday, because they are my team and this is my city. I hope they win because our people and economy need the lift. I hope we win because I think we have a deserving team full of highly talented players that play and win as a team, not just one big star everyone thinks is amazing. We have many amazings.

I hope we win because we never have before, and we might not get another chance for a long long time again.

But win or loose, we already have won. Win or loose, we got here and that's quite a miracle, two years ago we wouldn't have dreamed it.

But win or loose, we already have something far better than a ring, or a title, we have that magic, that community, that oneness, that love.

We wear our jerseys, and our shirts, and our twelves and we say Go Hawks! and it means "Hello friend, I love you, I love our home. Have hope. Believe. Miracles can happen, magic can happen.
I hope my friends in Denver are experiencing this same thing, I hope, that even though they frequent the Super Bowl more than us, that they feel that and recognize how special that feeling of togetherness is.

If they have, then they too have one. As Pierre De Corbetain, founder of the modern Olympics said, "The important thing is not to win, but to take part... The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well... To build these precepts is to build a more generous humanity" 

I love, and live by those words, its what the Olympic games, World Cups, 1997/8 NBA championships and 2014 Super Bowl mean to me. Its why I spent money on a jersey, but you don't have to spend a dime to feel it, to be a part of it, you just have to let that magic into your heart. Just say it! GO HAWKS!!

If you cant do that for the Super Bowl, try it a few days later for the Olympics, let Go USA! Or wherever you live feel your heart, but remember to love your enemies, and you'll get ever more magic from a go World!

If the Winter Olympics are too cold to thaw your frozen heart, summer will give you one more chance to heat it up, with the 2014 world cup in Brazil in June/July.

No matter where you are, or who you root for, may that peace, love, and unity feel your heart. I think we all long for that, to be a part of something, to feel united, and to have hope in things that seem unlikely, especially these days.    So one more time, just for you,  remember what it really means  Go Hawks!!!

Cold War

 I am currently having a big debate in my head. Tomorrow is Saturday, I have zero plans, and as I am getting over a cold that is probably for the best.

 Today wasn't Saturday, it was Friday, and last night, Thursday, I decided to be a "responsible" sick adult and take cold medicine, so I could get better quicker.  For me, its always a debate if that is really the responsible thing to do. Even daytime versions of things like Theraflu make me super loopy. The night time version guarantee I will not be making it to work or anywhere the next day.

Last night I took daytime cold medicine in the hopes that I would be able to make it in to work today.  About an hour after that, I had no doubt I had just lost that battle, as I set out on a night of some of the trippiest combination dreams I have ever had, including one where my life was candy crush, and every decision I made exploded my dreams into candy bits.  (I may have a candy crush addiction?)  I also had one about never ending piles of case files at work and lots of file folder paper cuts. Right before I went to sleep, I had one of the worst, and most random nosebleeds of my life. I didn't even sneeze, I thought my nose was just suddenly being runny. Next thing I know, my hands are covered in my own blood. Im pretty sure I had one or two more nightmares about that too. It was a horrible night, My dreams led to waking up a lot, and not a lot of restful sleep until it was about 4 am, then I seemed to be paralyzed with fatigue and dizziness, which is usually what happens when I take coldmeds.

 I avoided the temptation to text my friends last night, thankfully, while still in a good place, I completely shut my phone down. I've been known in the past to text my friends some pretty hilarious stuff when I am on cold meds,  Forget prescription cough syrup, that's never happening again. I've taken it twice.  The first time, in college, I some how ended up sleeping in my closet, apparently of my own choice. I don't remember most of it, but I think it scared my roommate.

Last time I took it, I "drunk text"ed several of my friends who first checked to make sure I wasn't alone and that someone could help me, and then advised me to shut my phone off. Prescription cough medicines are not worth it to me EVER.

but tonight's debate is this,  my throat hurts. I know between the feeling of rawness, and the feeling of phleminess, I'm just going to feel like I'm choking if I try to sleep sans cold meds.  However, all I have left at this point is the Night time Theraflu. If I take that, forget last nights bizarre dreams, I will not even know where I am for the next day. I hate how I feel when I take that stuff, its almost worse than how I feel when I have a cold.

 But, I do want to get better.  I have been drinking/eating plenty of clear liquids. I've pretty much had a home made vegetable barley and chicken broth soup to eat five times today, as well as numerous cups of  ginger snapish herbal tea, and probably a few gallons of water.  ok maybe one gallon.  Which was another thing that made last night tricky, because I was being such a good water drinker I had to wake up from those crazy dreams and try not to die stumbling to the bathroom to pee a million times last night. Not really wanting to do that again.

I've done a decent job of resting today. I know I should sleep, sleep is key right?  If I try to sleep, I wont, because of the aforementioned throat issues, or the also mentioned cold med issues. so now I'm in the middle of this "cold war" and I have no battle strategy at all.  This really isn't the worst cold I've ever had, so it should be easily defeated, but no matter what I still can't see an option tonight where I win.

 Perhaps I will loose this battle, take the cold meds, again. and hope and pray that I wake up and its all gone. I suppose that's the best thing I can come up with at this point. I apologize in advance to any friends I text crazy things to. I do love you, but probably not as much as I'm going to say I do in an hour or so. =(

I should probably add in that im am feeling kind of lonely. It sucks being sick, single and roommateless. There is no time you want someone around to take care of you more, and also no time when it would be really horrible of you to ask someone over and share your germs, if you could get them to come.

My New Years Regeneration

 Last night, while scrolling down my Facebook news feed, I saw this Steven Spielberg quote posted by a friend:
                      “All of us every single year, we're a different person. I don't think we're the same person all our lives.”

As a very big Whovian (fan of Doctor Who), this reminded me of something Matt Smiths Doctor said in the Christmas episode right before his Doctor regenerated.

  "we all change, we are all different people all through our lives, and that's ok, that's good, you've got to keep moving, as long as you remember the people you used to be."   

 I think that for me last year was such a year, that I don't want just a New Year's resolution, I want a New Year's regeneration. I want this year to be a truly fresh start. So that is how I am treating it. I've taken no baggage with me from last year. In fact, I made a point yesterday of saying anything I had to say about unresolved issues from last year. I have nothing more to add to it, I feel resolved.

I am a new person this year. Last year, I think I could call my "War Doctor" year, and what I did, I did in the name of peace and sanity, but now that its done, I'd rather try to forget most of it, and just take the lessons I learned and move forward.

 I loved my trip to Europe last year, and I will always treasure that, it was a reward for the rest of the year that I had to get through. I feel my decisions I made last year were difficult decisions, that I mostly chose correctly, and handled decently well with an exception or two,  but it was such a difficult year, so full of hard decisions and moments that I'd like to step forward and be a bit different from that this year. So, today I did.

 I followed the David Tenant approach to today. I slept in, and rested. But when I got up I was full of energy and ready to go. Then it was time to figure out who this Mandi is, because I don't know yet who I'm going to be this year, but from my first day I can tell you  this Mandi wants things cleaned and organized.

I woke up to a pile of last nights party mess all over my house. Its no longer there. Everything is clean and nice again. I did a lot of laundry and dishes today.

I also woke up and took a shower and took time to do my hair and makeup  and choose my clothes carefully, even though I didn't go anywhere today. Last year, Mandi was a bit of a rock star and a rebel in her dress choices, this year there may still be an element of that, but it looks as there will be more of a softer feminine  twist to my look.

 Then, its always important to decided what your "regeneration" is going to like to eat this year. I did healthier twists such as salmon on home made biscuits and country gravy for lunch, and stir-fry bok choy and veggies for dinner.  This years Mandi may be a bigger food snob than ever before- but on a budget, and healthily.

 I didn't really feel like exercising today, but I did some stretching, so I feel like that means I'm going to at least make an effort. I'm still defining the me of this year. We don't know if a companion might not come along and change it all, this year is still before us, but I'm excited to find out, and not be defined by my past, but also to remember the past, the people I was, and the lessons I have learned.  I think I like this approach much better than a resolution, just deciding who I really want to be.

This Mandi has a strong testimony of Jesus Christ, but this Mandi also would like to take a more quiet approach to life, and opinions, and stuff.

Last year, one of the greatest things I gained from that tough year was a true love of myself, independent of the opinions of others. That battle was hard fought, and took the entire year to win, and some outside help. I will not forget that last year I learned there are people in my life who love me for who I really am, and who I can become. I will not forget that my Heavenly Father loves me completely. I love me, and I'm ready to face a year where that doesn't have to be such a battle any more. Last year I faced all my demons within, so I feel I can face everything without with greater confidence and faith, not fear.

 I'm still not ginger, but I died my hair red once and that was a bad idea, so we wont repeat that, but I am excited to see what comes of this new approach to a new year. Its kind of like baptism in some ways, an opportunity to start life with new eyes, a clean slate, unburdened and free.

    ALLONS-Y!  Geronimo!

nah, I think my phrase is just
                                 Let's go!

un-con-di-tion-al-ly

I'm going to take a moment here, and do something I haven't really done since college. I'm going to do a textual analysis of this song.  Its much harder to do on a laptop. I'd really rather ink up a paper physically with notes, but It needs to be done, its fun to do, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

 A friend and I were just commenting to each other on the Top Six performances on the voice, when Katy Perry's "Unconditionally' came into our discussion. I love it, She hates it.  and Then we started talking about what Unconditional love means to us each, and we disagreed, just like we disagreed about the song.  She had to go, don't worry it ended on friendly terms ;) but  I really wanted to rip this song apart and give my full thoughts on it. I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts as well.

  The intro to this song, is a pulse, like a heart beat.  That is important, because its about love, and love and the heart are symbolically linked.  Its not a fast beat ,but a slow calm pulse, because its not lust, its not passion, its deeper and steadier, and solid.

 The lyrics start, and Katy continues that steady, calm, and deliberate pace with her words:
Oh/no, did-I-get-to /close?-
Oh/ did-I-almost/ see/ whats /really-on-the-inside?
(music speeds up a bit, and begins to build.)
All /you/ insecurities
All/ the-dirty/ laun/dry
Ne/ver/ made-me/ blink-one/ time.

So one of the points my friend brought up to me, which really increased my interest in this song, and I said almost the same thing, it has an awkward rhythm to it, it pauses words in funny places. This starts right from the beginning. I have denoted pauses with a / and when words were run together with a -. If i had paper, i may even spend some more time on inflections and such, but as it is, I'm not in the mood to analyze syllables per verse and the like, so I will just point out a few things I find intriguing from this rhythm.

  It is AWKWARD.  so specifically with the lyrics in this song, and not a general discussion of unconditional love, this is a person, likely in the beginnings of a romantic relationship, but I think it would also apply nicely to a friendship, or even a child learning to trust their parents. you know, there are various stages when children don't just trust their parents, and they have to learn if they do love them unconditionally or not.

This is that awkward and truly vulnerable moment when someone is trying to open up, or create an atmosphere where someone can feel safe and open up. At and addiction recover meeting, this would be that moment when someone is trying to decided if its safe, and if they can tell their story.

  its interesting that the music speeds up when it gets to insecurities, and dirty laundry. Its still a pulse, a heart beat, but its faster, its nervous, its slightly scared and unsure. It needs reassurance. Its not there yet, but I may be there for real soon. Its about to be tested- that unconditional love that the singer is claiming to feel.  I also feel like the pauses are a moment of reflection, for the person saying it to sincerely reflect and mean UNCONDITIONAL.

 At this point the music really opens up and becomes almost an anthem, its passionate, its a pledge.
The heart beat  seems to drop out, then come back in, almost chariots of fire marathon runner style.

Un/con/di/tion/al
Un/con/di/tion/al/ly
I-will/ love-you/ Un/con/dition/al/ly
There-is-no-fear-now
Let-go-and-just-be /free
I/will/ love-you/ Un/con/dtionally.

The way unconditionally/ unconditional is broken up, is probably the most awkward part of the song. This is the part my friend and I debated.  To her, unconditional love should be smooth, and flowing.  I think it has its smooth natural flowing moments in life, just as it almost has in this song (the last one of the verse is less broken up.)  But this is where I had to pause for thought, because I disagreed. I think the strongest loves, unconditional loves,  are met with fiercest oppositions, and moments of conflicts,  they are honest about that, but they love so strongly, that even if there is a stutter in the step, they still stick with it, they are always willing to work through the conflict, or the heart break.

 for example. The most unconditional love I know of- The Savior. And the greatest act of that love of all time- The atonement.  now, maybe you will say that the atonement is conditional upon our accepting that sacrifice. It was offered and paid for regardless if we accept it. Our saviors love, and his sacrifice are unconditional. but just like an unopened gift, if we don't accept and open it, it doesn't do us much good, it doesn't change the fact that its there, and has the power to overcome anything. And that moment, was it smooth, and flowing? NO. it was met with "let this cup pass from me, but never the less.. If thou wilt, I will drink it up." Did that moment of conflict in any way diminish from that unconditional love? NO. He loved us enough to proceed even though a part of him didn't want to.

Another example. A parent and a child. I'm not a parent. But I have never seen a parent that loved their child that didn't have a moment of frustration or heart break. Why do parents love their children and not give up on them, and make hard choices for them- because they love them, unconditionally.

I wont go into dating examples, I'm not qualified. But I will say I have friendships that I would say I love my friends unconditionally. There is nothing they can ever do to not be my friend, though it may cause me and or them pain for a while, and be something we have to work thorough, it may change dynamics a bit, but  nope. They will always be my friend. More on that in the next verse though.

Back to the chorus. Its important here, where the brakes are, and where they aren't.  let go and just be free. is all said in one breath. no awkward pauses, no breaths, it is smooth and flow .this is that moment when unconditional love does that. but it requires trust and vulnerability to get there, and it is freeing from the awkward pauses and hesitations earlier.
   the pauses in un con ditional ally change. they emphasize different things. Un con ditiona al. it is unconditional. this is for emphases i believe, but it also builds to the freedom that comes in trusting.   unconditionally is a different word, separate word, in the next verse, but it comes from the same root as unconditional.  to emphasis it is in fact unconditional, and an adjective describing how you are going to be loved.

The music slows back down to the reassuring pulse right here.  The person is not quite convinced of the singers unconditional love yet, and it takes time to build that trust. Moments of excitement can't be continuous in life, that would be exhausting, and one needs time to think rationally, not just in the excitement of the chorus.

vs 2

come/ just /as-you/are-to-me
Don't/ need/ A/polo/gies
Know/that/you/are/a/worthy
I'll-Take/ your/bad-days-with-your/good
Walk/through/the/storm/I-would
I-do/it-all-because-I-love you
I Love you.

There is still the stuttering pace here, but its a bit less awkward, more words roll together, except the apologies and worthy lines, where we are being reassured again.  there is increasing freedom and flow by the end of it all, by the proclamation of that love.  This is clearly speaking at someone who questions their worth, their love ability.  they are awkward about opening up, hesitant about being rejected.

 The pauses are reassuring, they say, hey I'm not going to pace this faster than you can handle, we can take this at your natural pace, and I am going to truly love you no matter what, even when you have crazy days, Don't apologize for being you,for being awkward or for being human, that is how you are, and I love all of you, even the awkward, even the bad days.
 its interesting how much I'll take your bad days flows together, and then the walk through the storm is choppy, because that's how it is when you walk through a storm, its rough. its hard to get through, its a bit forced and pushed at times, but you do it, you keep going out of love and devotion, and then when that storm is over, you have the freedom to enjoy that unconditional love, that just survived something crazy and lived to tell the tale.

the music builds again to the fast free flowing pace. the choppy is over, it ended, kind of naturally, but also with labor, as is life and getting through its challenges with someone you love. My friends have taught me this, I think. because we have bad days sometimes, and its choppy, but we pull each other through it, and then we feel happy again and free, but sometimes with momentary stutters.

Chorus repeats as before. I don't thing there is much change to it, just building on what you already know. slightly less awkward pauses this time. unconditional love grows, it isn't built in a day, and the storms of life make it stronger and deeper, but that doesn't come without effort.

Bridge:
so open-up- your- heart/ and /just /let /it /begin
op/en -up- your/ heart /and/ just /let/ it /begin
open- up-your/ heart-and/ just /let /it/ begin
open- up- your -heart.

its choppy, and ends up in a free flowing phrase, emphasizing that transition into trust and love from fear and hesitation. but there is less hesitations than before.

Its the awkward steps into trust and freedom. and then She is human and has doubts too, so it goes back to the slow pace, but not for long. trust is a difficult two way thing. you risk tears when you open up, if you don't question that you will risk that pain, you are not being honest in your unconditional love.  Acceptance, of your self, of others, that is the key to be free. but its scary to let go and do that, but when we do, we feel much more free.

Accep/tance/ is-the/key/to-be
To-be/truly/free
will-you/ do/ the-same/ for-me?

Now the pace stays free, fast, and flowing because that trust has truly been built, the love is now truly unconditional, and the pauses are less emphasised here, though they continue to exist, because hard moments and tests of your unconditional love never truly go away, but you can learn to push through them faster.

That is my thoughts on this song, and what it means, and why it is all awkward and choppy like that. by the end, its built to almost no choppiness, but there is still hard moments to work through, even though opening up has made you so much more free than in the beginning. and the music has lost that slow pulse and is now heading on to triumphant glory, like an Olympic sprinter.

Pumpkin Pie- From Scratch ( In Photos)

Get pumpkins. I like to have a pie pumpkin, and the smaller ones.

Cut them in half, and gut them. Then put them in the oven and bake them till they are soft. I think I usually do 350, for around 30-40 min

clean out the guts, wash the seeds off, and throw out the stem and stringy stuff

                                             Put seeds on a baking sheet and season them.
                                   pop them in the oven with the pumpkins until they are toasted.

when the pumpkins look like this, they are done. let them cool

scoop out the pumpkin flesh from the shell, and put it in a blender with some milk. 

puree until it is smooth

then strain it, to get all the stringy and lumps out.

smooth as budda.  put that in the fridge while you work on the pie shell

Keep the butter cold. 1 1/4 c flour, 1/4 t salt, and 1/2 cup butter- cold, chopped up and cut into the flour

add one table spoon of ice cold water at a time,  and mix the ingreedients together until they

start to ball up. form into a ball, put in fridge and let chill 4 hrs, or over night.

Lightly greese a surface, and roll that dough out!!  make it a little bigger than your pie tin

put it in the pie tin. poke it a bit so there are no air bubbles

Back to that pumpkin- mix in two eggs, a can of sweeten condensed milk, and 1.5t pumpkin spice,3/4 c brown sugar (packed down) and 1/2 t salt. mix then pour that batter into your pie shell. 

bake in the oven for 40 min, at 400f. put a pan under just in case there is spillage. 

take left over dough, and a cookie cutter shapped like  a leaf, and make leaf shapes.

then paint the leaf with red, yellow and orange food coloring. bake the leaf at 400f for10 min.

Stick the leaf on your cooled pie, and enjoy. 

Im Thankful For You, I Thought You Knew

A little over a week ago, I started an undertaking of immense proportions, on top of my already exhausting load.  I did this, because I thought I it would be a nice thing for both me and my friends. What I failed to realized,  was that it isn't just a nice thing, its a necessary and too much neglected thing.

 As the month of November comes to a close, So does the constant daily posts of what people are grateful for. A wonderful tradition, and an expression of gratitude. It was this very act that brought about my own idea of how I could show some thanks.

 It took me all of about five seconds thought to realize that if I were to joint the gratitude posting train it would quickly sound very repetitive and insincere, because there is one thing that means more to me in my life probably than anything else. One group of people who make everything in my life have meaning, worth living. They make heaven worth striving for, and I can tell you right now, if I thought for a second my eternities would not have them in it, I would give up every effort to get there, because any eternity without them would really just be Hell to me.

 I am of course referencing my most amazing friends. Now, before anyone thinks that discounts my family, I shall clarify. From the time I was very young, I came up with a saying:
 When your friends become family to you, and when your family become friends to you then you know you have reached a level where you truly love them.

I have so many of my friends that have become my family, and so many of my family have become my friends,  that  I feel grateful for them each and every day, more than anything else that I have. I would say my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father also top that list, and  I think that's grand, because that defiantly makes eternity with them worth fighting for.  but, I digress.

 What I decided to do instead of continuously telling everyone how grateful I am for them in one big post, which they would never feel all that much about, was, I decided it was time I start telling them individually truly what they mean to me, and why they mean it.  I've done this for one week. One person a day. I plan at least to continue until my birthday. I made a list, and I drew names out of a hat, because every name was so important to me I couldn't pick who would be first.

 After one week of doing this, I realized that I have done a terrible job in the past. I don't think any of my dearest friends from week one knew how much I loved them, how important they were to me, and why. That makes me sad, because I look back, and I can see why you wouldn't know that, but I hoped that I had done a better job of letting you know how important you are to me than I have done.

 This year, I think I have a deeper desire than ever before to be a better friend. To show you and tell you all how much you mean to me, but I can be really shy, even around my closest friends, and expressing my deep feelings of love and gratitude for you is kind of hard for me. So please do know this. I love you. I care. I'm so so very grateful you are in my life, and I'll try harder to make that clear from now on. 

Special, Unique, Different and Why I Asked

This morning I woke up with a question that had to be answered.  What makes some people think negatively of the words special, unique, and different, and others think only happy thoughts about those words. So I asked. I asked co workers, I asked on Facebook.  I wanted to know if there were any patterns, if there was an age, or geographical, or religious reason.  I found none of those patterns to exist.

 I only got a response from about 50 people, all of who know me. So this was in no way scientific, and in no way a random sample. well, there were random elements to it.  The people that responded lived in the pacific north west, and the rocky mountains. They were between the ages of  25 and 65. They were almost equally male and female.  Some were from the same family, some were even twins.  Some were not related at all.  Some were gay, some were straight. Some were Mormon, lots were mormon. Some were Catholic, Lutheran, Athiest, some are leaning towards eastern religions but are undecided.  See, I had some variety in there.

 When I started asking this question, I thought I would get more negative responses out of people in Utah than on the West Coast. That was not the case.  Then I thought maybe there would be an age correlation, and maybe  it would be stronger towards people my parents age for the negative response. Also, not the case.

 But as I asked people, one thing was very very clear, with no context to judge from, most people had very very strong opinions and fit in one of three categories.

Negative, to the point of being almost impossible to see these words in a positive light without context.

Positive, to the point of it being absolutely impossible that someone would use then wonderful words in any negative way.

Positive, with an acknowledgement that other people may see and use the words negatively, but that they had chosen to see everything in a positive light, and possibly that they were unique and different and OK with that, and people that weren't could go jump in a lake.

 It was interesting to me, that most of the responses I got throughout the day in person, or else by personal one on one communication on instant messaging were neck and neck between the positives and the negatives. When I went to Facebook with the question, very few people expressed a negative view at all.

 The family I asked, my own, or more specifically my mom and her sisters and one of my cousins, were all divided. half were very positive, to the point of not understanding how anyone could be negative, and the other half were extremely negative.  in that family, twins. and the twins were polar opposites in their responses. That, I will say, absolutely blew my mind.

 As I got responses throughout the day, one of my favorites was a positive response that was also incredibly unique. Not a one line response, this person went through and explained the great thing about each of the words- different  is a learning experience,  normal is over rated,  and all the words together bring curiosity and interest.

It was interesting to see what happened when people broke the words apart, rather than taking them as a whole. some words were positive some negative, some neutral, all together the feeling for the words was different from individually.

One of my favorite conversations was with a person that went to school with me, but that was a year younger. We had a really good talk about how our schools could be very clicky, and how those words were often used very negatively in elementary school and Jr high school. She had a more negative view of those words.

 I really enjoyed that someone put content. that's happy and at peace to me, but not so overwhelmingly happy, just happy enough. That's how I interpreted that.  Sometimes it was hard to get a straight answer out of people. Some of them would answer in a statement that I am sure they thought was crystal clear, but part of the reason this question came up, is that some words mean different things to different people, and without a context to your statements, or some clarity, they can be easy to misinterpret.

Many people who were either positive acknowledging the negative, or just flat out negative sighted experiences with bullying, or references to Forest Gump, the "special" bus, any kind of special needs group,  or growing up being told to stay away from people that were in any way different from themselves. The most unique negative response (in a good way;) was that it was pretentious. That's interesting, someone looking down on you because they are special, rather than the rest of the negatives that felt special was looked down upon.

Many of the positive people quickly referenced people of their same religion, or even in one instance, being happy that they were not part of a states major religious majority and like "those people."  Many just used the word happy, and some talked about spiritual things and being special to God or his special people.

Your responses were intriguing to me. I hope someday to expand this with a larger and more random sample. But lets be honest, none of you are reading this to find out what each other said. You want to know why I asked this, and what my response is.

 I just finished watching the voice. There is great irony in the fact that I love the voice because I think of all the musical reality shows,  it is the best at embracing and celebrating uniqueness, and originality. It is the most positive and uplifting show. The singers on there that are my favorite are unique, special, and different, in a positive way. They bring a quality and a richness to their performances, and the ones that don't are forgettable, and I'm not sad when the forgettable are voted off.

 That said, with no context, and sometimes even in a very positive context, I go extremely negative in my reaction to these words. I hope someday, through great friends and programs like the voice to be better at celebrating different, special and unique.  I think I can do well at celebrating it in others, but applied to me personally I still have a hard time doing that.

 My personal quote of the year, the question I have felt God and many of my friends and loved ones have asked me in one way or another, and that I have even asked myself  is from the movie "What a Girl Wants".   It is simply this: "Why do you try so hard to fit in, when you were born to stand out?"

 I have no doubt in my mind that I was born to stand out. But from my travel patterns to everything else I do in life, I try my hardest to blend in. I'm not good at it, I don't think I'm meant to.  And the thing that triggered all of this, was when a friend gave me a compliment, using the words unique and special, and said it in such a way that there could be no doubt it was meant as a compliment, and to uplift. My gut reaction kicked in in that moment to a point that shocked the heck out of me.  I instantly got angry. If I could have punched someone, I probably would have if I could have. I reacted very quickly in my head, but silently in person with a "what exactly are you trying to say about me?"  Hearing those words made me feel  like I must be unacceptable, and sub standard, weird, and in capable of blending in with "normal people"  for all of thirty seconds, till logic took over, and then I interpreted it as she meant it, or at least I tried to.

 That wasn't anything my friend said, she said the opposite. She was saying that I am amazing and awesome and should embrace my awesomeness and shine for the world Based on  today's responses clearly feels positive about those words. And I knew that, pretty quickly after I felt those negative feelings, I knew that wasn't her intent. So it caught me really strongly that I would react that way. Then I remembered all the times this year I received blessings and was told "your heavenly father wants you to know  you are special, you are one of his special daughters."  or reading many times the words "special" or "unique" in my patriarchal blessing. And I got mad at God about those too.  I think one time I thought, "God Stop calling me special, I don't like that!" and then I realized, Gods meaning of special is always positive, and I am the one that needs to change, not him.

 So basically, that was it, that's where it came from. A little kick in the gut of self awareness, and just trying to figure out why I try so hard to fit in, when clearly I am more awesome when I knock that nonsense off, and just be me. In fact, I have tried to be someone else, I have tried to blend in. I can't do it, at the end of the day, I must be me, and I have accepted that, but apparently I still have some work to do.

 I think the most insightful conversations of the day were with my mom, and that friend from school. In Elementary school and Jr High, I watched countless friends be bullied for being different, unique, and special. Sometimes, I got a bit of that myself. Mostly I just learned, if you want to be safe, you have to be invisible, you have to blend in and you have to be a part of the crowd. Otherwise people will call you names, spit on you, throw stuff at you, slam you head into the wall, and all that crap.

 Well, I'm tired of being safe. I just want to be me.  And my real friends like me better that way. Please continue to tell me I am special, Unique and different. Go ahead and tell me that I'm weird and should stay that way, because that's how you love me any way. I promise, I will not punch you, and maybe together we can move me to that middle category- "I know people sometimes say negative things about those words, but I think they are positive"

 Maybe I should make a bumper sticker "keep Mandi weird"    I think I live in an area that does a good job celebrating uniqueness. I have good friends that keep showing me that there is no reason to be afraid of being yourself. I think that is great. I agree about that for other people. I will someday agree about it for me. For now,  I encourage further discussion on the matter, and  watching this video. Be brave my fellow negatives. BE BRAVE.

Awkward Mormon Moments

You know, there are things as Mormons that we experience that are super awkward, but that you just know only other Mormons are going to get why its so awkward.  These are just a few....

Women:
1.  When you forget to put on a bra because you have too many layers of clothing on top to notice its missing.

2. When you are uncomfortable at work all morning and go to the bathroom and realize you put your garments on inside out this morning and you are going to have to remove four or five layers of clothing to fix it or keep being uncomfortable.

Singles:
3. When you go to a single adult dance and  find a new buddy that you swear you know from somewhere, and go home and realize its your friends mom- you know, one of the ones you were friends with before you got too old and got kicked out of the singles ward.

Missionaries:
4. When someone of the opposite sex tries to hug you, and you do that awkward avoidance dance, because you're a missionary.

5. BEING A MISSIONARY.

6. Insert pretty much any language mishap here.  such as blessing food to be poisonous instead of useful to your body,  telling someone it was nice to suck them instead of nice to meet them because you mixed up the conjugations.  calling yourself "Elder Outhouse".

7. loosing your companion, and having a panic attack about it in the middle of the grocery store.

8. having someone open their door and be in their underwear.

9. street contacting someone at a bus stop. having them hard core reject you, and then getting on the same bus and having to stand next to them for the next 20 stops.

Ward Choir:
10.  Not reading the little slip of paper the choir director slipped you on your way up to sing that said only the men would be singing the second verse now. And because you didn't read it, you sing your loudest and proudest Alto solo and join the men.

  if you have more, please share them in the comments. =)

Lets Get Dancey!!!

Ive spent the last two weeks in relative social isolation because i had a cold and i didnt feel weel, or have any energy.

I am an introvert. This means, i get energy being alone or in small groups.

The good news is there is a single adult dance tonight, and i have amassed so much energy i could burst. In fact, i havent been able to sleep the last three nights, and i havent been tires, at all.

So, im pretty sure tonight im gonna get crazy and dancey, and drain that excess energy off to the extroverts who like to take all our hard earned introvert energy, but this time, im considering it a symbotic relationship, because i want to be able to sleep tonight.

The only real danger here, is that in getting older, my feet have become wimpy. Im not sure they can withstand this level of awesome dancing without injury.

Its very likely i will not be able to walk tomorrow. I may need to use a cane.  ;-)

The Harder you try, The harder you fail. Or not...

  I think the worst day of the month is the day I pay all my bills. It has a way of discouraging me like almost nothing else. Why?  I dont know. I work my butt off. I try to manage my money responsibly, and actually, Im doing better than it seems at this second in my head. A lot better.  But something about watching hudreds of dollars suddenly empty out of your bank account the very day that it gets put there to begin with, is just very discouraging.

  At the moment, I am wondering why I am trying to do so stinking much. Why am I trying to go back to school, work my regular job,  and be co-coordinator for the CFC all at the same time, while trying to write a very emotional ten page essay for a project I will discuss at a later date- its super emotional.  Any way, WHY!!!!!! why  on earth am I trying to do so much at once, and add to it this and that, and then I come home, pay my bills and wonder why I am so freaking stressed out and want to cry?
 
Is there any particular reason I feel I must accomplish all of these things now, and that none of them can wait?  Well, mainly there is one. My name is Mandi, and its just what I do. After a week of being sick with a cold and out of commission, I have so much catching up to do on everything.  Maybe its time I take a little advice, and SLOW IT DOWN. Yes,  I think that is what I shall do.  Im going to go get some emotional support tonight at ARP, and I will not pay any more bills tonight, I can pay them tomorrow. I will not write any essays tonight, I couldn't if I wanted to. And Im not doing my Psychology homework tonight, because Im too stressed out,  and I wont get anything out of it any way.

 Tonight, I am going to succeed in feeling loved, supported, and calm.  I think I can handle that much. and that is all.       Sometimes, the harder you try  the harder you fail, just because you are trying to do too much and increasing the probability that you will fail at something. keep trying, but "see that ye do all things in wisdom, and in order." 

Procrastination Is Really Just Delaying Joy, To Wallow In Misery

  So. I like to start everything with so. Why? well, its a great way to delay saying what I actually want to say, especially at times when I am having a hard time saying it.

 I've faced and done a lot of hard things this year. Always facing and doing hard things is better than hiding and running away from them, I know that from experience. However, It doesn't make it any easier to do the hard things, or make me less procrastinatory (yup I just made up a word for funzies) in doing those hard things.

 I have found however, that when I do procrastinate doing hard things, it does not make me less miserable than actually doing them, it just drags the misery out longer. But, even as I write this post, I do so to procrastinate doing some hard, but important writing in other places. Why? I have nothing really to say right now in this blog, except how miserable delaying writing what must be written makes me, but alas, I am lacking courage to write what must be written, and I keep hoping that some how magically, in the writing of this blog, or the playing of candy crush on face book and other useless endeavors, I will some how suddenly gain all the courage needed.

 Let us learn. Courage doesn't come before it is needed. It doesn't come in waiting. Courage comes in running to the battle and facing down those demons that threaten to destroy all your peace and happiness. The longer you wait to face them, the more power they gain. The sooner you face and fight, the sooner that peace and courage can come to you.

 now, if you'll excuse me, I have found my courage. I shall go write.

My TV List

So, I think you can probably tell a lot about a person by the shows they choose to watch, or choose not to watch. Now that we are into the new season of TV a bit, I thought I'd share my list of what I watch, in no particular order.

1. Project Runway.
2. Mater Chef
3.Hell's Kitchen (yeah I'm a fan of Ramsey.)
4. Kitchen Nightmares
5. Duck Dynasty
6. Hart of Dixie
7. Grimm
8. The Voice
9. The Big Bang Theory
10. Nashville
11. Doctor Who
12. Sherlock
13.Downton Abbey


That's my shows I wont miss.
Here is my list of show that I started watching,and then got bored with. So now I will only watch them if there is nothing better I want to do..

1. Sleepy Hallow- I had great hopes in this, It started well, and then it kind of just lost momentum
2. Shield. - I want to like this, but I just dont care
3. New Girl- If Zooey Deschanel sang more, I'd probably watch more. But im just not pulled into the story line as much since mid second season, they kind of lost me.


I dont spend all my time watching tv. I watch online while I do things like cook and clean. so yeah. I dont spend all day watching shows.

Why I Want To Be Good And Scared On Halloween

I have a friend that runs this online scary story for children magazine, called Underneath the Juniper Tree. That friendship has brought me a deeper love and appreciation for all that is good about facing your fears real, or imagined.

The past year has given me many opportunities to do just that, and im glad for that, but Im having a little problem, because its halloween, and Ive yet to feel good and truly scared. Because I used to get scared so easily, this has kind of been a disapointment.

Now, before i go any further, let me clarify this ( yes, that is a ghost and mr. Chicken reference). I will never be a haunted house, or a gorey chainsaw movie kind of person, thats not what I am looking for. Also, those of you who recently watched movies with me know I still scream when things jump out, and hide behind my pillow in anticipation and fear of the horrible thing that I think is going to happen.

I enjoyed the movies Ive watched this year, but Im looking for something more, and heres why,..

In the past when I was scared so easily, I am quite sure it was because of how scared I was of my own life. Ive faced much of that now, and its harder to out weigh what I faced.

I think we all want to be scared to some level on halloween because we know its fiction, for one, and because we want to be able to stand back and say, well at least its less terrifying than reality.

I want to be good and scared at some point tonight, in a psychological way, just for that reason, and for the reason that i think its important to face your fears, because when you face them they become less scary.

I want to see something I know is fiction, and have it be more scary to me than my own life and nightmares so I can stand back for a moment and say, see self, reality really is quite managable, because its less scary than that.

Thanks For The Love

Sometimes, It can be hard to love yourself. Sometimes we look at ourselves, and all we see are the flaws, or even what we perceived as flaws, which aren't even flaws at all. Sometimes we don't let people love us, even though they want to, and we think we are doing them a service by denying them the privilege of knowing us better. Sometimes we hid, thinking ... if people knew the real me they wouldn't like it. Sometimes, we are just plain being stupid. Christ said "let your light shine."

 To all those who said you wouldn't let me push you away, to all those who said I was a good friend when I thought not,  to all those who have pledged that they are still and always will be my friend, to those who spoke up and shared stories to give me faith, and hope on a dark day, to all those who love me, especially when I am being difficult to love, Thank you. I know you love me, and I believe you. I will do my best to allow you the privilege of chillin' with me on caterpillar days, so we can still chill when I am a beautiful butterfly. I love you too. I have the best friends on the planet, and that is what the last six months have taught me.

 I'm still probably going to have bad days, occasionally I'll still try to push you away. I would be lying if I said other wise, and I hate lies. But because you loved me,  I believed you,  and because I believe you, I also believe God when he says he loves me too.  I think I struggled with that till this year, but some how, you made his message more clear. At times, life is like that, we all struggle to let someone near.

  Its hard to say, what a difference one person can make, when the image of  Christ, on a heart is engraved.  One persons words by the spirit prompted, sincerely and honestly spoken, can bring so much light to a life that feels broken.

 Christ heals us all, he is the only one, but sometimes, we are his hands, when someone really needs a hug. And lets face it, we all could use a hug. 

Bitter Sweet Release''

Today I was released from two callings. Then I was called to two more. I will not lie, Being Primary Secretary was one of the most physically and mentally challenging callings I have ever had. I'd also say it was a spiritual challenge, as I spent a great deal of time running around the church on Sundays, and rarely got to hear talks, or sing songs. It was a lot to do. Considering I started out that calling both being Secretary and teaching CTR 6,  It was less exhausting at the end than it was in the beginning.

 I was released from both primary worker and Secretary today, so I am now out of the primary. Part of me- is pretty happy about this. I get to go to Relief Society, and I dont have to assign anyone to give primary talks. But another part of me is really really sad. I actually feel this calling was a really great blessing. Not having kids of my own, and not living near my neices and nephews, and having spent a good deal of my last decade in YSA wards, my experience, and confidence in working with children was near zero when I came in. 

 This calling has been a great blessing, because I have gained a lot of confidence in working with children, babysitting children, entertaining children, and appreciating children.You know whats great about kids? The can really just show you so much love when you need it. I love all the high fives I got, and sometimes hug attacks/ambushes when I was trying to get things ready for opening exercises on Sunday mornings. I loved being able to sit by someone who was acting out, and to just take a minute to listen to their simple problems- which were massive to them, and just help them feel a little better about life. its amazing, even the cute girl who thinks my name is "Sister Megan" just makes my day. She may not say my name correctly, but I know she looks up to me a little, and that makes me want to try a little harder to stand a little taller. 

  I as with all things, I think the Lord knows what he was doing. I think the timing of this release is just right, but I am grateful for the chance I had to get to know some amazing kids, and gain a little bit more confidence.  I am excited for my two new callings, as it seems the Lord always wants me to have two any more- ward bulletin person, and Single Adult Rep.  After talking to the bishop, we decided I can be called the "Bulleteer"  I think that's a much cooler name.  I finally feel Im in a place I can make a real difference with the Single Adults, because I am actually comfortable with , and participating in Single Adult activities, which are really incredibly great.  I dont know about being "bulleteer" but, Im sure theres something great I can learn from that two. It may be two callings, but maybe its a calling that will let me just breath a little, and I think I may need that now. 

 To my many many friends in primary- both  teachers and children, Im gonna miss working with you each Sunday. Its been my pleasure. I think some of the most incredible people are in the Primary, and they have become some of my greatest friends, and always will be. I think though, I may need to make a few new friends, and see if I can't help grow that single adult FHE so that so many people from Silverdale are going, that our stake can have its own Single Adult FHE. That would be cool.  any way, mixed thoughts and feelings today. I will miss the special spirit of primary for sure, but I may need a good RS lesson or two to fill my canteen a  bit.

Buying Tires, Like A Big Girl

I have always been a fairly independant person, except when it comes to dealing with any kind of sales person, or getting any kind of work done on my car in an actual automotive shop.

I dont like being pressured to buy things, or make important decissions with someone staring me down.  I never do anything having to deal with my car in a professional place without my dad, brother, or a male friend.

I have a confession to make right here and now. Im fairly knowledgable about cars, i can change my own oil, jump my own battery, and any other normal maitenance thing, but i have no confidence about it, and i get intimidated quite easily by people who know more. Considering i come from a family of car people, and car people and mormons pretty much sum up the groups of people i interacted the most with until i was about 20, and car people dropped out of that picture a litte, i should be brimming with confidence. I do know stuff.

I have always been afraid of getting ripped off in car places, because im a girl. Still have that fear, even though the person selling me tires today was a woman, and i totally did my home work before coming in to get said tires.

But, today is a big day, because courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that something is more important than fear. Driving around safely, and in a timely fashion has become more important, so i am here. In a tire shop. By myself. And i chose my own tires. My dad isnt here to hold my hand and do it for me. Neither is anyone else.

It would appear, at three months from 32, I have finally grown up and become an adult. Good job me. Five gold stars, and yay!! New tires.

Hi HO!

Hi Ho, Hi ho, its off to work I go....

 So how do you feel about that Mandi?
Well, I'd like to start out by saying that last night one of my friends advised me that if I start conversing with myself, I should stop, because I dont need that in my life right now. But then we agreed as long as I dont do it in public its fine. A blog isn't public. Its quite private, so I will now interview myself about the shutdown, and the re-open.

 So, Mandi, Tomorrow you go back to work? what are your thoughts and feelings on that?

-Well Mandi, My initial thoughts and feelings on that are that I had plans for tomorrow, to mow my friends lawn in the fog shine, and play with my dog, inside. he's an inside dog. Im pretty sad that I now don't get to do that. As much as I love sitting in an office and paying my bills, the past few weeks have shown me what I really love to do is either work outside, by myself or with one other person, or translate french family history documents inside with one other person, or bake with one other person and maybe some small children around, surprise friends with goodies, or, sit on my bed cuddle with my dog and watch shows that have David Tennant or Tim Gunn in them. I also like to clean things, play guitar, learn things, sing, oh yeah, and sleep in until 8 or 9 am.  I like 8  to 9 hrs of sleep.

 Therefore, the thought of waking up at 4:30, leaving my cute fuzzy friend alone in the cold darkness, and getting on a bus or a ferry  so  i can sit in an office where im surrounded by people who may want to interact with me on a group basis, and at times in an over whelming fashion, while looking out the window at the sunshine that I dont get to feel or experience kind of scares me and makes me sad.

 But Mandi, wont you be relieved to have money in to pay  your bills?

 -yes. That is why Iwill wake up and part with my puppy. and that is the only reason I will part with my puppy, to buy us food and pay rent.

Mandi, is it true that this time alone might have made you a bit  crazy and unhinged?

- Seriously? I am interviewing myself in a blog. Also, I have lost the ability to focus on anything the last few days because  of stress, and I am pretty sure for the duration of this furlough (though it may have started before that) I CRY ABOUT EVERYTHING- happy? Cry,  Sad? cry, stressed? cry  Confused? cry.  every other emotion in between? CRY CRY CRY!! and then create something awesome.  yes, I am getttin a bit weird. Ok Yes, maybe I need to go back to work so that I can do things like- know what day it is, or remember to eat three meals, or learn how to interact with people, like big groups of people, without crying.

 So, Mandi, how would you sum up your feelings about returning to work tomorrow?

_Mixed. thats all. Mixed. And happy I saved my ten dollar starbucks gift card. Im pretty sure i will need a salted carmel hot chocolate tomorrow.

 -

Freaking Out About Everything, and Trying to calm down.

This is a blog to inform you, that after two weeks without going to counseling, after two weeks of govt shut down, after two weeks of calmly and  patiently waiting and handling and enjoying life I am now reaching melt down, and I am freaking out about EVERYTHING no matter how stupid to freak out about it is, and I am now trying to calm down.

 Trying be the operative word. Actually, my freaking out, is kind of funny, because it comes with an inabilty to think or focus on anything productively. If you talk to me I may not here you. I went skating, and I think I just went in a circle most of the time, even though my coach reminded me that I can in fact skate,and should probably mix it up a bit. Im doing a lot of blank stares. If you get me to talk, its either going to be slightly negative, or I will talk a million miles an hour about EVERY little thing that is causing the littlest bit of stress or discomfort in my life

 To calm down, im going to continue to avoid my stress by watching the voice. Probably wont help, but I dont care, Im  watching. Im kind of hooked.

Jump Roping Barefoot

 Well, I'm still home. Actually in some ways, I have come to see this furlough time as a blessing. For the first time since the Furlough began, I decided to wake up and exercise. I've been Ice skating, that was awesome. Great work out, and very calming. I've done a fair amount of yard work, so I've been too exhausted to "work out". But, today is Columbus day, so I decided its a good day to work on all the things I haven't been doing because my friends are doing such a good job of keeping me busy (with the exception of weekends, which now surprisingly suck).

 Any way, as a figure skater, jump roping is something that we are encouraged to do. It builds those jumpy leg muscles that we need to use a lot. I'm horrible at jump roping. I've always hated it. Maybe its because I was a bit of a tom boy growing up, and jumping over a stupid rope and singing rhymes was just too girly for me. Or maybe its because I had no rhythm as a kid and I'd always get smacked in the foot and trip on the rope.

 Its amazing, how I have great hand eye coordination for some things, but not at all for other things. Jumping rope is / was one of those things. However, over the past year, I've gotten a lot better at jump roping. This morning I did my best ever. I jumped for a minute straight, and I only missed two times.  How is this possible you say? proper motivation.

 With cold bare feet, all it took was one time getting smacked in the toes for me to decide that no matter how tired I was getting, I would jump and be in the air when that rope came around. It worked. It worked really well. 

Two weeks ago, I would have wanted to be home on a day like this...

I remember about two weeks ago, being in my office and looking out my window at the horrible rainny weather. I dreamed I could be at home, hot chocolate in one hand,book in another, with my dog cuddled up beside me.

 I guess I sort of got my wish. Im at home cuddled up with my dog on a rainy day. I have hot chocolate I could go make,  books I could read, but Im more worried about paying my bills at the moment, so a part of me would rather be at work.  Oh life, you are so funny.  Well, since what I planed to do is cancled, I guess I will go do what I dreamed of doing two weeks ago, and try to enjoy it.