Sugar update- over 30 days

Well, my rule was away from refined sugar as much as is humanly possible. I got a nasty cold this week, and I had a lot of cough drops. I don't know how that will effect things. but I had to have cough drops.

 Other than that, before I managed to get sick, I was feeling really great. The side effects of sugar withdrawal were gone, and I was feeling great. Cravings were even starting to go. Then I had cough drops and started dreaming about a cronut cake (something I should definitely invent someday) and my area manager came to town and put girl scout cookies by my desk all week. Being sick makes me want to eat sugar more than normal. So its a bit of a struggle still, but apart from the cough drops, we're still soldiering on, and I think doing well. Apart from the effects of this cold- coughing, sneezing, etc I feel excellent, and have for about a week.  Once I hit day 21 things felt really amazing.   

Glee Finale Thoughts (spoilers)

  Those of you who know me, know that I quite recently got hard core into Glee. I love it, mostly. Of course, I did sing goodbye to our French exchange student when she left, rather than saying a traditional farewell. In fact, I think you will find I have always preferred to express my feelings by singing, skating, or dancing them out when it comes to deep emotions.  For somethings, words alone are not enough.

   So when I finally got talked into watching Glee, just before the start of its final season, I binged seasons 1-4 in about a week on Netflix, because I loved it. well, until season 4. I hated season 4. That was a major mess, which I intend to never subject myself to ever again.  But season 5 got better and so I was excited for season 6 to start up.

 I do like to save up shows and watch them all at once. I don't have patience to watch things the traditional way, and I would have given up on Glee in season 4 for sure if I had watched it like a normal person.

 Season 6 started, and I loved it as much as seasons 1,2, and 3.  It felt like it was back to what worked. It was balanced, between the comedy, drama, and diva-ness. Good song choices were being made, and my hopes were high.  Then we had the episode A Wedding, and my hopes for things done right this season skyrocketed.  I think that may be my favorite episode. Its at least in my top 5.  It was funny, good songs, everyone was there, it wasn't Rachel centric.  Maybe that's something important for me to point out right here. I mostly can't stand Rachel Berry.  I can stand her more in season six than I could previously, but I've never been a fan.  I like all the other characters on Glee, and I think they are all far more interesting than Rachel. I also don't super love Will Schuster, but I'm not going to go into that.  Those two factors may have something to do with why I didn't love the finale.

 So the finale of Glee was a two part-er. The first part flashed back to 2009. This part of it, I loved. Although I hoped we would have seen at least a few more glimpses of the other key glee club member, just a little bit. Other than Puck being a bully, and Blaine in the background (which was very cute) I didn't see anyone. And maybe that was down to actor availability, but  It would have been nice.  But, I mostly loved 2009. I loved learning more about Kurt's back story, I loved seeing more of Tina, and Artie, and that really vulnerable moment with Mercedes crying in a church. I loved that they ended it with classic footage that included Finn and Don't Stop Believing .  This part of the finale, was incredibly well done, and I was satisfied with it.

 Then we got to dreams come true, the second half of the finale, and I feel like it all fell apart. There were really great moments, Sues song apology to will, Sues run in with Becky Jackson, the nice set up for the future.  The Kaine flash forward was fun. Even Rachel being their surrogate, that was a fun twist, it gave me hope. and then it fizzled in the end,  it felt incomplete. The last song and everyone on stage lacked inspirational goodbye quality. it seemed impersonal, and dedicating the auditorium to Finn was nice, but it just seemed kind of empty unconnected to him with that song choice. We got no follow up information on some of our very important characters with our flash forward- Santana, Brittany, Quinn, Puck, coach Beiste, kitty. So many people were just pretty much ignored in this finale it didn't feel like a proper goodbye to anything.  Mercedes goodbye song was a far better end than that was.   I expected so much. and maybe that's the problem. flashing forward and then to current repeatedly made it feel choppy. Finn, and the memorial they said they would be doing  for  him felt pretty much absent to me.  That final episode for me, was a fail. They could have done better, they should have done better. And now that is what we are left with.

 Its like on A Christmas Story, when he finally gets that decoder ring, and hes so excited, and writing down the message, thinking its some great secret spy message, and it ends up just saying "drink more Ovaltine"   I'm sad about that, because there is no other episode to redeem that ending.   Glee,  as John  Candy once said to the Disney version of the Jamaican Bobsled team, "It was yours for the taking, and you choked."   I went back and watched A Wedding again, so I could go to sleep on a happy fulfilled feeling note.  As a positive though, I will say that most the song choices for the finale were really great. Lea Michele's solo, Sues song to will,  even Klaine's song was great.  But as they say, all's well that ends well. and the last minutes of this were a mess and it left a bad taste in my mouth and ruined the rest of it for me, like finding someone else's hair in an other wise perfect piece of cake.

Dear other TV shows I watch,

please learn from this, and do not do this to me ever again. Finales are important, make sure they actually work start to finish. DO NOT DROP THE BALL inches from the end zone.
Thanks,
             Mandi

18 Days Off Sugar

 Hello, My name is Mandi, and apparently I am addicted to refined sugars.

Today is my 18th day not eating refined sugars. I am allowing honey, and fruit, and things in my food that I can't completely get around. I mean, I can't make everything myself all the time, that would be exhausting, but as much as is Americanly possible, I am avoiding refined sugars.

 This has been an interesting, and extremely difficult 18 days, far more difficult than I ever thought when I started it.  I decided on Mardi Gras, probably mid lunch time festivities, that since one of my co-workers was going to try to live healthy and exercise for lent, maybe that would be a good idea and I would join in too. And then I realized, i already eat fairly healthy and exercise pretty much daily, at every opportunity I get. So, that wasn't specific enough. I'm a Mormon, so we don't really do lent, as a religious body. We do monthly 24 hr fasts from all food and drink (including water) so  I think that is enough fasting pretty much for anyone.

 But, we do believe in being healthy, getting closer to God, and weeding things out of our lives that interfere with either of those two things. So, as I finished yet another snickers bar I had hidden in my drawer at work, I realized something, as my exercise regime had improved over the last year, so had my chocolate/ candy bar/ cake/ doughnut eating. And I didn't like that, that was counter productive.  Almost as a sign from God a few friends posted some articles on FB about how bad refined sugar is and how addictive it is, with studies comparing its effects on our brains to crack.  My decision was made, I would go without refined sugar for lent, and see what happened.  At the end, hopefully I would eat less of it.

I didn't think this was going to be hard. Partly, because I am a Mormon, and I have no idea how long lent actually lasts. I thought I only needed to make it a month, to Saint Patricks day. difficult, I thought, but totally doable. Later I found out lent was 40 days, so like a few weeks longer. Which was fine, because all those articles I read said something about 40 days being a good amount of time to kick the habit and form new ones. Then, yesterday I decided to look it up and discovered I need to make it to the Saturday before Easter Sunday. I broke down and cried a bit, because I didn't think I could do it.  I can do it, and I will do it, and I don't plan to go back to eating refined sugar except on special occasions, a decision I made around day 7.

The first few days of this, were a little tough. I kind of wanted my habitual post lunch work time treat.  I tried eating fruit, and other things, it was fine, it wasn't completely satisfying but it was fine. I have to walk past Top Pot doughnuts every day to work, so that was a little hard to have that reminder, but I don't like Top Pot, so it was fine. I used to have reoccurring dreams about a field of doughnuts that I could just eat and new ones would pop up as a child. I have always loved doughnuts, and I always will, but Top Pot is my least favorite of all doughnuts ever. Some people like them, they just aren't for me.  So I'm glad its Top Pot and not Crispy Cream or that little shop at Pike Place market that I have to walk past every morning.

Any way, by day 3 I started to notice I was angry. A lot. I wanted a doughnut or snickers or something, I wanted it now, and I wanted to punch someone, anyone really, because I had made the choice to not eat doughnuts or Snickers, and I was now feeling angry about that, and also refusing to cave. Also my sense of smell has become highly sensitive to sugary things. Everything smells like sugar, every where, and its all I want, but also what I don't want.  I also just started to feel really emotional and moody, and kind of out of control.

By day 7 I started to feel like I was perhaps going crazy. I felt like a drug addict. My eyes felt all dark circle-y and I was tired, and angry and emotional, and I just felt really crappy. Then the headaches started. Oh my the headaches. My co worker told me I looked like I was in severe pain. And I was. I took some Advil, that didn't help. I ate some fruit, that didn't help. I exercised. Making yourself exercise with a blinding headache is not easy to do, but it helped, for about an hour at a time, it made the headache less intense and made me feel almost normal again, with a little rush of adrenaline. Unfortunately I did have to work, so I was limited how often I could exercise, but I tried to walk around and do stuff as much as possible. I also tried to drink more water, because people were telling me that would help, but then I got moody and didn't want to drink the water, and it was an uphill battle. Water helped a little, exercise helped a lot, nothing else seemed to make any difference.

 All my friends that have done this before said this would last probably till the end of the second week. and it did. It started to get better on about day 12, and the headache lifted on day 14 like clockwork.

It was at this point, I decided that it wasn't worth it to ever get so attached to sugar again. I will never do this again, I will never have headaches like this again. So I boxed up my sugar, and I'm giving it to a large family. I seriously have a box of white sugar, powdered sugar, and like candy things. I had that much sugar in my house. Its a big box. Anything that has this kind of an effect on a person, anything that is this painful to give up, that doesn't really have any merits of continuing to be used should NEVER be reintroduced to my life.  However, there are birthday parties, and retirement parties, and ward parties, and special occasions. I don't want to not be able to enjoy doughnuts ever again, and things like that. I just shouldn't enjoy them regularly. They probably should remain only a special treat. I hope at the end of 40+ days my tastes will have changed enough, that I don't really want them all the time any more, and keeping that special times only thing will be do able. I think it will happen, because I lived in Lithuania and came back to America and found the amount of sugar in things here compared to there absolutely abhorrent and disgusting when I got back, and only very slowly re-Americanized my palate.

Which takes us to this week, and today.  Headache is gone, most of the mood swings and anger is gone. (most, i still get pretty moody around 2pm at work, when i normally would have had my treat, but this is now exercise time, so that helps). I also found a few other people that are giving up refined sugar and we have become a support system for each other.  Ive picked up a new problem this week though, everything tastes disgusting to me, and food has lost all its joy.  I wrote a friend last night, and complained that I missed food making me happy. I didn't mean in an eating your feelings sense, I actually feel pretty happy in general right now, I just mean, that rush you get when you eat something and it makes you feel all excited and you want to eat more of it.   Honey and fruit isn't tricking my brain into that feeling, dispute the fact that they are a kind of sugar, which means all those things I read about refined sugar having similar effects on your brain to crack are kind of hitting home. I'm not even sure I want a snickers bar any more, I just want to feel that feeling when you eat one.   Last night was a particularly low spot for me, so a friend sent me this clip as encouragement

I want to see this now. because I believe it is accurate, just based off my experience in the past 18 days.  Another point this trailer brings up is Fat shaming, and blaming people and their exercise levels, This is a topic for another blog, but I will be blogging it.

 Giving up sugar is hard. hard hard. I've given up all sorts of things far easier than this. I once was told by an addiction counselor that I had a "white knuckle" ability like no one he had ever seen before. I am good at toughing things out. He then also had me work through the real issues at the time, so I didn't have to do that. but the point is, Sugar addiction is real, and its hard to give up. I am having a massively hard time. But it can be done, if you do it wisely.  Everything I read did not recommend giving it up cold turkey, because most people fail. they recommend gradually doing it. I think I can do this, and get through it, with help from my friends. I don't think I could do gradual, I'm not good at that sort of thing.  But as hard as this is, I'm very happy with my decision to make this change, even if it has been very painful and emotional at times.   Day 18, not even half way there yet, but I'm finally starting to feel good, and I have hope that I will enjoy food again soon, real food, without processed sugars. 

A Piece of Me

     I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days about how I hardly ever blog any more, and I don't really have a big desire to.  I think I have shared a great deal with everyone in this blog, and I don't regret anything I have shared. In fact, I have shared a lot with the world at large via the Internet.

   I have always been a very mood based writer, artist, whatever.  I do stuff when the mood strikes me and it goes really well. If I do stuff when the mood doesn't strike me, its usually totally crap. Probably because everything I do has to be generated from a genuine and authentic place or it appears just as it is, superficial and half hearted.

 When I do something with all my heart, its amazing and right, and it shows. So I'm not saying I'm not going to blog any more. But for a while, I'm probably not going to say much, because I don't have much to say to this audience.  I guess right now, the things I have to say, and do are targeted to more specific audiences, and a general audience such as this just isn't going to be a place where I feel I can share my whole heart. It will come off half arsed and half hearted if I try.

  Ive noticed something, when I perform one of my songs, or I write something really dear to me, its like I give this little piece of me to the world.  Anyone can grab at it, I loose control of it.  I'm mostly OK with this, because usually it helps people. I love to help people, and I don't regret putting myself out there to help people. But something else happens too, and I think we do this with actors and rock stars and what not.

 When someone puts a piece of themselves out there, even if its in the form of a fictional character on TV,  and we relate to it, or in some way it enriches our lives, then a bond is formed.  They probably bonded with their work, and you bond with their work, But you don't usually really bond with each other, just that work. And you appreciate the work, the talent, the rawness, and the effort, and I think we all want to form a real bond based on that. But then the reality of it is, that the bond of the work just as much gets in the way of a real bond, as anything else does.

  I have people come up to me all the time and how much they love my blog and the things I write, or how entertaining my facebook posts are. I really appreciate that, but also sometimes its really scary. Because here I am pouring my heart and soul into something, and in the first moment you are like is anyone even reading it? do they appreciate it? was it worth putting it out there? and you look for some kind of validation, that your risk was worth it.  Then you start to get one or two likes. Sometimes those likes come from people that really matter to you, and you are happy, because in reality, you kind of just wanted to only share it with them to begin with.  But then more people like and comment on your work, and shiz gets real, and you are like Whoa!! people are actually reading this, and thinking things about this, and its not just those 5 people I know love me no matter what its everyone.

I've had people tell me that I am funny, clever, brave, honest, that I changed their lives or helped them out.  I've not had too much in the way of negative, and I am grateful for that. I am happy to enrich your lives in some way.  But its still kind of scary for me whenever I hear these things, because usually it doesn't come with much more than that.  If it does, then usually its some suggestion of how I should live my life and do this or that, or some way that someone has misapplied my story to their cause. That happens because that is how we bond with people we take their experiences through our cultural lens and bend and apply it to our world view.

  The times when all this becomes truly worth it to me though, all this writing, singing, painting and sharing pieces of myself, are when  you and I use that work, to remove the walls between us, and actually bond in some meaningful way. When my story, or your story, opens up the conversation between two real humans, when perceptions are clarified, when both sides give a piece of themselves and then a true friendship is created because of  that work.

 When you appreciate my words, or my music, or my paintings, or my thoughts, quietly to yourself, or with a small thank you I appreciate that, even when it kind of scares me. But when you open up as I opened up and share back, a friendship is formed,or deepened, and that is the greatest reward available to a person for putting that piece of themselves out there.

 I promise you, I will keep writing, when I feel like writing. I will keep singing when I feel like singing, and I will keep painting when I feel like painting, and I will dance my face off when its time for me to dance, or skate. I promise you, when I do stuff, I will do it with all my heart.  And though I may practice to keep up on skills, I also promise, not to do these things half heartily, because you deserve more than that, and so do I.

 All I ask of you in return, is that you not be afraid to open yourselves up either when that moment hits you, and you can whole heartily share some piece of yourself with the world, or with a group  of people, or with one person.   Don't let fear and vulnerability stop you, don't let other peoples opinions stop you, from sharing that piece of yourself  that will change the whole world for someone else.  And, if someone has changed the whole world for you, don't be afraid to tell them so, not in a quiet whisper, or a single ambiguous word, but in some hole hearted way reciprocating that same energy they put out their that benefited you.  We can make this world so much more amazing than it is, when we become unafraid to share that amazingness within ourselves that we all hide to some degree or other.

 What the world needs now, is love, sweet love. it truly is the only thing that their is just to little of, and you cannot have love without vulnerability, without risking something, and putting your whole heart and soul behind it. 

2014, Into The Woods

Ok Yesterday I had every intention of writing a reflective blog post, but a headache, and muscle aches from dancing too hard into the new year delayed me to today.

It did not, however, delay me seeing into the woods, which I loved, and which has application in this blog post.

Last year was the year I wondered courageously past the forest of feelings, covered in 2013 (also a frightening place) into the  self discovery woods. I too wondered into those woods because of a dream, and learned a few hard lessons, but in the end, I found I was never alone, and that  though I had changed greatly, and the journey was sometimes rough and scary, I wouldn't have traded it for the world. And perhaps now I can live somewhere between  a dream and a nightmare. 

Ok, enough into the woods talk, what was 2014? Well, it was the year that I learned to embrace and love myself, I think as fully and completely  as one can. It wasn't easy to do. There were some moments of anger, some moments of deep soul searching, and some moments that were quite new and scarry adventures.

But I've come out of it feeling more emotionally stable than ever before. I could use a label, like happy or content to discribe my ending place for the year, but that's not quite accurate. I'm not unhappy, in fact I'd say I'm closer to happy than I've ever been in my life, but I don't know that happy is my goal. Rather, I'm not depressed, and I haven't been depressed for the longest span possibly in my life, and I am at peace. The anger that plagued parts of this year is gone, and I'm at peace with myself and this crazy world. And I'm content  with being at peace and not being depressed.

I am happy to have reached a point where I just accept and love all of me, and I couldn't  have done that without my best friends, including my savior Jesus Christ, but also others, who accepted me for me on the days I struggled to do the same.

I will forever look back at 2014 with  warm fuzzy loving memories,  and really only good thoughts, because in the end, she set me free, and gave me confidence, a new kind of courage, love, and peace. By the end of the year, I know mostly, who I am, what I want, where I want to go, and I've learned to live my life so that I will be pleased with me, and to not worry so much about disapointing or pleasing others.

Wow, lessons I wish I learned earlier, but glad I learned at least not any later. 2015 has come, and I believe I will just keep going as I have done in 2014, by being and embracing me, and by being the person that i can live with. Every year, as it begins, kind of speaks to me in a way. As 2015 began, a feeling inside me changed.

The journey this year takes off where the last one ended. Now that I know myself so well, I feel like I can truly begin to know God. 2015, is going to be a year of deeper spiritual discovery, I can feel it. My relationship  with God got a lot more deep and personal last year, and I have a feeling that this  year will be spiritually definative. My liahona, If you will, went into what felt like super mode at the stroke of midnight on new years, and I'm excited by that feeling and possibility, that I am perhaps now prepared to learn things I hadn't before. I don't really  know how that should be, because I've always been a fairly spiritual person, but I feel like this year will be a journey through the valley of the saints. 

Ok enough of my random babbling. Happy New Year to all.

200 Songs to Get You Over #Calzona, and Other Fictional Break-Ups.

  Even though fictional characters in books, movies, and television are not real, our emotional attachments and accompanying feelings as we watch them are. Who hasn't felt devastated at some point by the death, break up, or stupid choices of a fictional character?  We both know I have.

Grey's Anatomy Season 11, Episode 5 Spoiler Alert:

OK I warned you. Calzona are over. Maybe this time for real, who can really say or know.  But what I do know, is that this caused me to feel a wide range of deep feelings. And I am still feeling them, but a lot less.  And the list of songs I am going to share with you now is the reason why. Most of these songs will work for any break up, fictional or not. Some of them are EXTREMELY Calzona Specific.  You may wonder why there are here if you don't watch Grey's Anatomy. You may wonder why some of them are hear if you do watch Grey's Anatomy (cough, #Selfie). Some are there because its slightly ironic or amusing to me, some are there because I got sick of Emo/ Angry songs and needed something lighter. Some are there, because I wanted to be reminded that I do believe in love.

 Regardless of all that, if nothing else, here is a list of 200 really great songs. I challenge you to listen to any of them that you have never heard before. If you have 20 hrs to listen to music, I challenge you to listen to the whole list, in order.

 I have included two Slam Poetry songs in this list. One of them is in French. You will not get it if you either don't speak French, or at least look at the lyric translation in English.  Here is a decent translation http://lyricstranslate.com/en/les-voyages-en-train-train-rides.html.   and now, without further ado I present 200 songs to heal by.

1. Matchbox 20, Can't Let you Go
2. Christina Perri, Jar of Hearts.
3. The Beattles, All You Need is Love.
5. Pink, Perfect
4. Hugo, 99 problems
6. Sugarland, Stuck Like Glue  (if possible watch the music video)
7. Grand Corps Malade, Voyage En Train (if possible watch music Video/see english traslation)
8. Break My Heart, Sara Ramirez.
9. A Great Big World, Say Something
10. James Blunt, Bonfire Heart
11. Passenger, the Wrong Direction
12. Bonnie Tyler, Total Eclipse of the Heart
13. Brad Paisley/Allison Krause, Whiskey Lullaby
14. Alanis Morissette, Ironic
15. Mary Lambert, Dear One
16. Ribs, Lorde
17. I Try, Macy Grey
18. Katy Perry, By the Grace of God
19. Lorde, Glory and Gore
20. Hoku, Another Dumb Blonde
21. Jason Miraz, I won't Give Up
22. The Eagles, Hotel california
23. Anna nalick, Breathe (2AM)
24. Muse, Madness
25. Ace of Base, Every Time it Rains
26. Mary lambert, Sum of Our Parts
27. The Beatles, Yesterday
28. Celine dion, All Coming Back to Me Now
29. Greenday, Wake Me Up When September ends
30. Dixie chicks, Cold Day in July
31. Mary Lambert, Wounded Animal
32. Lorde, 400 Lux
33. Collective soul, December
34. Celine Dion, A New Day Has Come
35. Rixton, Me and My Broken Heart.
36. Abba, S.O.S
37. The Story, Sara Ramirez
38. Collective soul,  Needs
39. The Cranberries, Raining In My Heart
40. Fun., Some Nights
41. Train, Calling All Angels
42. Neil Sedaka, Breaking Up is Hard to Do
43. Bastille, Bad Blood
44. Billy Joel, Piano Man
45. Chely wright, Shut Up and Drive
46. One Direction, You &I
47. Matchbox 20, Restop
48. Idina menzel, Let It Go
49. Le Ann Rimes, The Right Kind of Wrong
50. Panic At The Disco, I write Sins Not Tragedies
51. Lille Allen, Fuck you
52. One Direction, The Story of My Life
53. Calvin Harris, I Need Your Love
54. John Ledgend, All Of Me
55. Matchbox 20, Bed of Lies
56. B.O.B., Airplanes
57. Dixie Chicks, Without You
58. Mary Lambert, Heart On My Sleave
59. Kid rock/ Sheryl Crow,  Picture
60. Mary Lambert, She Keeps Me Warm
61. The Luminieers, Hey Ho
62. Fun, Some nights intro
63. Avicii, Hey Brother
64. Modest Mouse, Float On
65. Alanis morisette,  All I Really Want
66. Green Day, Basketcase
67. Jewel, Foolish Games
68. Eminem,  Recovery
69. Florence and the Machine, Shake It Out
70. Daddy Yankee, Tango De Gasolina
71. The Cranberries, Linger
72. Incubus, Drive
73. James Blunt, you're Beautiful
74. Matchbox 20, Mad Season
75. Imagine Dragons, Bleeding Out
76. Greenday,  Good Riddance (time of your life)
77. Soul Asylum, Runaway Train
78. James Blunt, Heart of Gold
79. Greenday,  Jesus of Suburbia
80. Eve 6, Inside Out
81. Moby, Extreemly Ways
82. Enigma,  Return to Inocence
83. James Blunt, Same Mistake
84. The Five Stairsteps, Ooh child
85. James Blunt, These Are the Words
86. Ace of Base, the Sign
87. Chely wright,  Object of Your Rejection
88. Backstreet Boys, as Long As You Love Me
89. Fugees, Killing Me Softly
90. Katy Perry, Double Rainbow
91. Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, Falling Slowly
92. Alanis Morisette, You Ought to Know
93. Mary Lambert, Ribcage
94. Matchbox 20, These Hard Times
95. Christina Perri, Tragedy
96. James Blunt, Tears and Rain
97. Taylor Swift, Shake It Off
98. Ace of Base,  It's A Beautiful Life
99. U2, With or Without you
100. Finally Apple, Criminal
101. Dixie Chicks, Not Ready To Make Nice
102. Katy Perry, Roar
103. Passenger, Let Her Go
104. Alanis Morissette, You Learn
105. Club Nouveau, Lean On Me
106. Matchbox 20, Disease
107. Chely wright,  Broken
108. Katy Perry, Dark Horse
109. James Taylor,  Fire and Rain
110. Adelle, Skyfall
111. Sara Ramirez,  Waitin
112. Beyonce,  Halo
113. Mary Lambert,  When You Sleep
114. Samantha Barks, On My Own
115. Adelle, Someone Like You
116. The Frey, How to Save a life
117. Ace Of Base, All That She Wants.
118. Jewel, You Were Made For Me
119. Fun., Carry On
120. Rod Stuart, have I Told You Lately
121. Lorde, Royals
122. R.E.M., Everybody Hurts
123. James Blunt, Carry You Home
124. James Blunt, Cry
125. Cage the Elephant, Come a Little Closer
126. Dixie Chicks, Landslide
127. Tracy Chapman, Give Me One Reason
128. LeAnn Rimes, Please Remember
129. Jamie O'Neal, There is No ARIZONA
130. Dixie Chicks, Wide Open Spaces
131. One Republic, Secrets
132. Johny Cash, Ring of Fire
133. Mary Lambert, Monochromatic
134. James Blunt, No Bravery
135. Katy Perry, Love Me
136. Whitney Houston, I will Always Love you
137. The Neighbourhood, Sweater Weather
138. Celine Dion, my heart will go on
139. Lille Allen,  Never Gonna Happen
140. Celine Dion,  All By Myself
141. chrsitina Perri, Sad Song
142. Snow Patrol, Chasing cars
143. Paramore, The Only Exception
144. Natasha Bedingfield, Soulmate
145. Panic at the Disco, Nine in the Afternoon
146. Pink/ Nate Ruesh, Just  Give Me A Reason
147. Lorde, Still Sane
148. Johny Cash and June Carter, Bridge Over Troubled Water
149. The Red Hot Chilli Pipers, Loch Lomand
150. Rod Stuart, Forever Young
151. Sam Smith, Stay With Me
152. Gabrielle Alpin, Home
153. Susan Boyle, I Dreamed a Dream
154. Gabrielle Alpin, Salvation
155. James Blunt, Goodbye My Lover
156. Taylor Swift, Back to December
157. The Civil Wars, Safe and Sound
158. christina Perri, A Thousand Years
159. Madona, The Power of Goodbye
160. Sleeping at Last, All Through the Night
161. Gotye, Somebody That I Used to Know
162. Mary Lambert, So Far Away
163. AWOLNation, Sail
164. Colbie Caillat, If You Love Me Let Me Go
165. Daniel Powter, Bad Day
166. She & Him, Never Wanted Your Love
167. Pink, So What
168. Cold Play, The Scientist
169. White Town, Your Woman
170. Rob Thomas, Lonely No more
171. Chainsmokers, #Selfie
172. James Blunt, Give Me Some Love
173. Rascal Flatts, What Hurts The Most
174. The Raconteurs, Steady As She Goes
175. Matchbox 20, Push
176. Lady Antebellum, Need You Now
177. Green Day, 21 Guns
178. Mumford & Sons, I Will Wait
179. Katy Perry, Unconditionally
180. Taylor Swift, We Are Never Getting Back Together
181. Alanis Morisette, Head Over Feet
182. Matchbox 20, Bent
183. Rascal Flatts, I'm Moving On
184. The Red Hot Chilli Pipers, Fix You
185. Celine Dion, Because You Loved Me
186. Bare Naked Ladies, Pinch Me
187. Madona, Frozen
188. B.O.B/Taylor Swift, Both of US
189. No Doubt, Dont Speak
190. the Cardigans, Love Fool
191. Natalie Umbruglia, Torn
192. The Verve, Bitter Sweet Symphony
193. The Red Hot Chilli Pipers, Fix You
194. Sinead O'Connor, Nothing Compares 2 U
195. Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball
196. Toni Braxton, Un-Break My Heart
197. Iggy Azalea/Rita Ora, Black Widow
198. Sara Evans, A Little Bit Stronger
199. Sugarland, Stay
200. Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance

I Look At Spoilers, And That's Ok.

 I tried so hard. I wasn't going to look at any tweets from the East Coast.  I thought, I can do this, and if I do it, I will enjoy this episode for its suspense, like everyone tells me I should- spoiler free, or at least, spoiler limited. I can't un-see the vague spoilers I saw before the live tweet. The live tweet is really cheating, most spoilers just add more questions than they answer, live tweet just answers.

 So I tried. I tried really hard. I deleted every notification and tried to un-focus my eyes and not see them. It worked. Till the show was over. The post tweets got me. I saw something, I saw too much, and then I just had to look.

 And then i had to read all the follow up articles.  I was upset about a few things, for a minute or two, I just processed. I processed my disappointment, my hopes, my changed view. It wasn't as good as I hoped, It wasn't as bad either. It just was. It was what it was, and I was OK.  And then I realized, I hate surprises, and that's OK. I like spoilers, and that's OK.

  One of the personality theories I recently studied, talked about how people have different thresholds for things, for emotional things, for physical things, for drama, for whatever. I can't handle surprises because it causes me so much anxiety that I can't actually enjoy the thing, or connect to things as I should, as I need to, to enjoy it.

 I need spoilers, because  I am enjoying this episode so much more now that i know what is coming, now that i don't have to worry about where it is going, I can just in joy where it is, and what it is. I can laugh. I can appreciate the red herrings, and the foreshadowing. I can laugh  when its funny, and I can feel nostalgic. I don't have to be mad at anyone, that its not going to plan, or scared, when it is going to plan that its going to fall apart.  It takes away my feeling of responsibility for controlling my emotions to respond a certain way.

 I'm talking about a TV show, and i promise you that is why i watch things on Netflix after they are completely over, and when it gets too intense i look ahead.  That is why when i read a book, i read all the chapter titles, and sometimes i peak in the back.  That is why I enjoy my birthday presents or Christmas presents  so much more when someone consults me three or four months before what I am getting. Maybe there are a set of possibilities, but i know what all the possibilities will be. and I get excited, instead of anxious. Because i know what it is, and i have time to get excited, and i don't have to worry how I'm going to respond when i open it, because its not a surprise.

If its a surprise, i get anxious, and even if i like a present, or an ending, i can't show it, because the pressure is just too much for me.

I am thoroughly enjoying an episode of Grey's Anatomy, that i would have absolutely HATED if i hadn't seen those spoilers.  I know I can't rid my life of any and all surprises, and I'm not about to try to. But, because of this episode, and because of what I learned from spoilers, I think its time I stop trying to enjoy surprises, and just love the fact that I don't, its not me, its not who I am. And that is OK.  I give myself permission to never pretend to like surprises when I don't ever again.  Because I don't. I don't enjoy them. I don't enjoy the drama, and the build up, and the anxiety, and I never will. 

There Is No Calzona

I wrote  a parody to handle  a worst case cenario for tonights episode of Greys Anatomy. I'll put lyrics first, expliantion after.  Im on my phone, so if you need to hear the original song, its to Jamie O'Neal's There Is No Arizona. Mine is called There Is No CalZona:
Vs 1:
Shonda gave us new, better tv wifes, Callie and Arizona. Arizona's blue and piercing eyes, hope that she was gonna, get things in order, help counselor,  'cause when they both wore white, it never crossed our minds that...

Chorus:
There is no Calzona, because Callie ' s pushy, and Arizona cheated. If there was, folded pizza, we could fill it up with the dreams she sold us. But they don't exist, loves dough can't hold 'em. We'll wake up and find, there is no Calzona.

Vs 2:
We got a post card with no return address, of Calzona's tombstone. Final straw was that dumb plane crash. It's all about the leg, we know! 9, 10, 11, we wondered why, we're still waiting. We'll keep waiting, 'cause...

Repeat chorus

Vs 3:
Each Thursday the sun set into the West, my heart sinks lower in my chest. I keep hoping that she'll save them, finally Shonda just let's them blow up.

Repeat chorus

Shonda gave us new, better TV wifes, Callie and Arizona.

So, as many of you know I'm currently the local coordinator for my work for the combined federal charity campaign. And as you also know, I'm an introvert,  and all my day time work activities are putting a very pleasant but still massive drain on my energy stores.

As a result, when I get home from work I don't want to talk to people about anything, except one of a handful of shows I am watching.

The most effective of these show seems to be Greys Anatomy, which I watched for the  first time two months ago. I have now seen season 1, most of season 2, the end of season 4 through the middle of season 7, and every single youtube video of "all sceens" of callie, arizona, and calzona from every single season they are in.  Why? I don't know, I just really like calzona and emotionally invested in them. Oh, and I'm watching the current season.
 
Perhaps this was a mistake to emotionally invest in a couple that apparently have a 50/50 shot of surviving the season, and perhaps that will be answered tonight? Soon we will know.

But since I'm already under so much stress, I had to make a coping mechanism so that I can handle the worst possible scenario tonight. I chose one of my favorite methods and wrote a parody to Jamie O'Neals There Is No Arizona. In fact, the song chose itself after the episode two weeks ago.

I am writing this on my cell phone, so I can't link you up to a youtube video of this song, you'll have to find it yourselves. But if you find yourself in a rough spot tonight, watching Greys Anatomy, at the next commercial break, or pause if you have DVR, put on the music, and sing my new lyrics. You may feel better, I know I do, whenever I start to feel overwhelmed about tonight's coming episode.  Jessica Capshaw tweeted that there is no preparing for this episode, that's probably true. But we will all need something when it gets to be too much. This is my something, if it helps someone else too, that's great.

Sweater Weather

Fall has fell, the air is crisper, the days are shorter, it's a wee bit colder. Sweater Weather is upon us, and for me that means my coat scale is going to jump from a 0/1 maybe to a 5, possibly over night.

Coat scale? You ask. What you don't have a coat scale? You don't wake up in the morning and say to yourself, oo, it's a bit nippy now, but it will be hot later, better call this one a level 4.2 on the coat scale? Well I do. And here is how it works:

0- no coat or jacket at all.

1- a zippy sweater or a light cloth jacket. Doesn't keep wind or water out, but adds warmth.

2- a rain poncho. I own one that says sea world on it. I'm looking for a new one, I'm not a fan any more.

3- a windbraker, or as I call it, a struke. It's a Lithuanian word for wind braker. Basically, it's like a 1, but made out of slightly wind /water resistant material. Pretty then, but nice on light rain/wind days.

4- leather/pleather jacket.

5- a hoodie with or without zipper.

6- thin, not very warm, fake p-coats. These are my go to fall coats. They generally don't cover my neck or chest, so time for a scarf. They are decently warm for fall, but you'll freeze in the winter.

7- my most beloved Irish coat. It's wind and water proof, it's the first thing on this list that has a hood. It's waist length, and it's pretty warm. It can handle rough fall/spring weather, and light to average Washington winter weather, such as ice rain conditions or light snow.

8- a heavy p-coat. Made of thicker wool and lining, and zipping up past my mouth, with an extra layer of buttons, going about knee length, this coat can handle snow, when used in conjunction with a hat, and scarf, and gloves.

9- my ski/ snow boarding coats. They are waste/mid upper thigh, and designed for snow days. But believe it or not, I have one better.

10- my Vera moda down coat, it's knee length and I bought it 10 years ago on my mission in lithuania. If it's cold, I bust this out. It kept me toasty in -40 degree weather that blew in from siberia, it kept me toasty in Logan with -29 and canyon winds, and it's kept me toasty in washington. Best investment EVER! I hope to use it for years to come.

So that's my coat scale. A 4.2 would be a leather jacket with a rain poncho under. That would look funny, it's more likely to be a 2.4, but, you never know maybe my clothes are wet and I wanted to keep the inside of my coat dry, or hide the sea world logo.

Today I am actually wearing a 6.1, without a scarf. Fall is upon us, but it's not hear till I'm wearing a scarf again. Hope you learned something new. Do you have a coat scale?

Me And My Little Dog

Tonight, as soon as I get home from work I need to be writing a research paper, but since the moment I woke up this morning a parody I have been making up has been stuck in my head. If I don't at least get my lyrics out there, that paper won't get done.
so, here it is to Rixtons Me and My Broken Heart, here is the lyrics to Me and My Little Dog. As well as the music video with the original song. So listen and sing along with my words all you dog owners and dog lovers.  

Chorus: All I need is my dog by my side, all I need when I'm scared and it's dark. He's little but his bites at least as big as his angry bark.

He's loyal and loves at all times, sticks with me when I'm falling apart. He's little, but he's mighty to protect me, and he's super smart. Yeah. 

Vs1: off like a shot gun, runs the dark and jumps up. Tear you apart and  then some, if you mess with his pack, oh, oh oh, me.

He tries to runaway sometimes. Tell him to stay, he complies, because of treats and love,  oh, oh, oh, oh.  It seems like I am loosing control. Why don't you fetch the ball that I throw....

Repeat chorus. 

Vs 2: maybe, someone comes by that hates me. They try to pillage or take me. They see my dog and run. Oh oh oh no. One time, started to cry 'bout that two time, player who broke my heart. 

 My dog, he comes and snuggles up. I'm sad or sick, he's the first to know. He comforts me when I feel alone.

Repeat chorus, change last line after he's mighty to protect me, me and my little dog.

Ending: ending: yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just me, just me, just me, me and my little dog.  Repeat chorus with change final timem

Oooo Child

This morning I write you from the Melissa Ann, the Vashon foot ferry. It's really funny how hard it is to not cry now.

Apparently I don't really cry at funerals when surrounded by other crying people, my tears tend to come out when no one else around me is crying, when I'm on a boat or at my desk, or when I'm all alone.

I came to Vashon to say goodbye to a very amazing and special person, who was a friend to anyone that ever met her. And though there was only one year of my life that I was ever around her to feel her influence, her influence was deep and strong enough that I knew I had to come out here.

I remember when I first met her, I kept thinking, and I'm sure I even told her once, that she reminded me of someone I knew, but I could never figure out who. Last night at the memorial service and I watched a slide show of pictures of her life, I had that same feeling. I kept thinking, you remind me of someone, someone I've known for years, who? Who do you remind me of? In the end, I determined she must just have reminded me of her.

Perhaps I knew her in the pre existance, perhaps I didnt. Perhaps she was just someone who had a big spirit that you instantly felt was your ali and friend.

It's never easy to say good bye to such a person, no matter how well you knew them, or didnt.

But as I sat there, unable to really cru amongst the crying, I just felt like, Enough already!! Enough of this people dying business, enough of this people going missing business, enough of people hating and misunderstanding eachother! Enough hiding our struggles and shutting eachother out. I've had enough. Life is short, and precious and the most precious thing in it is the people that surround us.

Why do we let politics, or differences divide us so much? Why do we let religion divide us? Why do we let little things come between us? Why can we spend more time trying to love and understand eachother and less time judging and pushing eachother?

The consensus last night, I would say, that the most amazing thing about my friend, was how she made everyone feel loved, and welcome. I hope I can be a bit more like that.  Its never  a successful way to bring someone to your line of thinking by making them feel judged or maligned for their differences, so why do we do that? Why do we think that's ever anything but destructive and hurtful to everyone involved?  Why can't we all just love eachother more, and show it?

Let's make today the day we go out and smile at a stranger, the day we reach out and love and understand eachother, the day we put judgements, and fear and hatred away and just help things be easier and brighter. 

I want to believe that song. That one I woke up with in my head. "Ooo child, things are gonna get easier, ooo child things will get brighter"

Talking With God In the Morning

I will be the first to admit that I am a strange and unusual person. I'm fine with that, and I wouldn't change it.

Less unusual that I thought, I like to have a good conversation with God on my way to work every morning. My drive time seems to be the best time for a most  deep and personal conversation about my coming day, the previous day, my dog, my foot, my worries,  and everything I'm greatful for.

I found out from a friend that that isn't as uncommon as I once thought. Apparently there are a number of us who not only sing and dance in the car while driving, but also talk to God. This looks less crazy than doing it on the street, but I'm sure it at least must look a little odd. Less so now that everyone drives around with blue tooth in their ears, or on their visor.

So that isn't the odd part. The odd,  very me part, is that depending on the day, my mood, and what I'm trying to express, I speak to my heavenly father in an accent other than my own, and sometimes in a language other than english.

If my prayer is going to have a deep, sincere,  thankful tone, then I often will pray sounding quite Irish. 

If I am up set and angry at some injustice in the world, only Scottish sounds will do my words justice.

If I'm feeling proper, and some what guarded I copy Jennifer Saunders accent. Whatever kind of an English accent that is considered, I'm not exactly sure. But it's my go to one for days when expression is a little more formal, and a little less personal and private.

If I'm feeling very informal, and a bit like a winge, but not angry, it may be more cockney, or possibly northern england sounding.

If my emotions are running deep, and expression of sadness or pain in a poetic way is important, I pray in French, not an accent, the language.

And on my days, like today, when only the deepest, most personal feelings need expressing, when the relationship with god needs to be expressed in the most personal, most respectful, deep yet simple of ways; when the feelings and thoughts are something that absolutely must be private, between me and my Heavenly Father, I pray in the most ancient and deep language I know,  I pray in Lithuanian.

Sometimes, I also pray in english, in my own acent. When things just need to be said, as plainly and clearly, and concisely as possible.

I know return missionaries often pray in their mission language, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one with this level of complexity to my prayer language. Doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else, but it does make me me.

I only do my accents around people I really trust with my soul, so I must trust God A lot, probably even more than I usually realize.  But the biggest thing about this is, I know he understands my whole system even better than I did. I only realized this morning, after starting my day in Lithuanian how not random my selection of an accent for these conversations are.

I thought, until today that I woke up and an accent fell out randomly. But now I realize something, which I already knew.

Language, even down to our accent can expand or limit our ability to express ideas, emotions and moods very greatly.

In Saturdays episode of Doctor Who, the Doctor remarked that he now had a Scottish accent,  and that he could be angry. He got angry before, and he expressed it before, but yes, with a Scottish accent, the new regeneration of the Doctor will have a deeper, stronger ability to express his anger.

It's quite cool when you think about it. And it's a wonderful benefit of learning to express yourself in other languages and dialects. Not only can you express different things,  you can understand different things, you can see the world from quite a different view point from your own. The more languages and dialects I learn, the more I find this to be true, and the more I find a depth and breadth my own soul  I had no idea even existed.  

For some reason, I just wanted to share that with you all. Hope you got something out of it.

A plethora of random thoughts and feelings

I've been meaning to write a blog for the past few weeks. So much happening and so much in my head and on my mind.

A. First, I walked at lunch today, and it didn't hurt at all. Second. I stood up, walked out to the front of the ferry. Stood for 10 minutes and it didn't hurt at all. Third. I walked off the ferry and up the incline of the ramp and nearly registered a twinge of pain in my achillies.   I cannot begin to tell you how happy this makes me, and how much the absence of pain causes me joy for the most simple and every day activities. I am not all healed yet. I won't be running, or skating or jumping for a little bit more. But, I may take my dog for a very short walk, and that makes this a very happy day for both of us.

B. Olympic swimmer Amy Van Dyken (insert married name here) walked today.  And if me standing to get of the ferry and it not hurting was a reason to celebrate, surely an Olympic swimmer who severed her spine walking with the aid of a walker some months later is cause for a massive fête.  Honestly, I didn't think she would walk again, no way this quickly. Yet, miracles happen, and I'm so happy for her and her family. That would be such a difficult and frustrating thing to deal with and come back from and she's had nothing but a good attitude. Five gold stars to her.

C. That leads me to my next thought #ALSIceBucketChallenge.  A year ago someone gave me a tee shirt, for an ALS walk. I didn't know what ALS was, and I was too lazy to look it up, so I gave the shirt to goodwill. Wish I would have kept it now.   I'm glad this whole ice bucket thing happened.  I have learned a lot about ALS. And watching Pete fretes go from amazing athlete to wheelchair bound and unable to talk, we'll that's even more scary to me than amy van dykens situation. Either one would be incredibly devastating and discouraging if it happened to me personally, I mean, I got depressed with planter faciaitis and achillies tendonitis,. But seriously, how crazy is ALS? 

I'm so happy I participated in the bucket challenge, even the videos that didn't mention als have helped spread awareness by creating a meme and a curiosity about what the crud is this thing people are doing? I ignored the first three videos in my fb feed for a week. Then I couldn't resist. I had to figure out why this was a thing, then I had to find out what ALS was, then I had to dump ice water and film it, then I had to donate because I cared, and it meant something, and long after this is over, we'll watch those videos, and we'll care again. Even the haters just generated more talk and perpetuated it.  I have to say when I dumped that ice water on my head, it was a shock to the system, and it was cold. But when it was over, I felt a part of something bigger than myself. I felt I had joined something good, and I felt we could actually make a difference. That Feeling Of Unity And Hope Made Me Want To Donate All The more generously,  And to conrinue doing so in the future.  

D. Speaking of haters, on the ice bucket challenge. I think the timing of Taylor Swift releasing get music video for shake it off, was perfect. "Haters gonna hate, hate hate. And a players gonna play, play, play, but I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake. Shake it off, shake it off. "

E. Robin Williams died. That made me profoundly sad, and I had felt a deep sense of loss. The ice bucket challenge helped me laugh and feel hope. Robin Williams has been a part of my life, with his many inspiring rolls since I was at least 3 years old. We miss him, don't we. I think he would have liked the ice bucket challenge.  But I don't know, I didn't actually know him. But I think heaven timed those two things together for a reason.

F. Robin Williams died on the tenth anniversary of the day I entered the missionary training center. I had planned to write a blog post flash back to the MTC that day, then I heard he died, and I couldn't.  I was just too sad. I entered the MTC weighing 115lbs. A healthy weight for my height. I left it weighing 105, due to sever stomach flu during part of my stay, and I spent the entire time of my mission trying and failing to gain any weight back. A decade and 35 lbs later, I'm now having the opposite struggle. I'd just like to say, both gaining and losing weight when you need to for health reasons, are equally annoying and frustrating.  But weight doesn't matter so much as health does.  That's what I've always said, it's what I'll always say. As long as your healthy, who cares what you weigh or what size you are. Now that my foot is getting better quickly, I hope to get in better shape again. I did the best I could to stay healthy, but when all your favorite physical activities become limited or banned temporarily, that's so hard to do. I cannot wait till the day I can run and jump again. I don't think they are far distant. Today, I'm very happy to be able to walk and not hurt. 

One last final random thought. Maleria.
I don't know how to spell it, and neither does my spell check apparently.  I recently watched a piper perabo film about melaria. Called Martha and mary, I think.  Great film. If you can spare $5 to donate for a misquitos net sometime, find a worthy organization and donate. So many children dying from something so simple to help solve. And that's sad.

Also, never kill an animal so you can get a selfie of yourself with it. That's just horrible. I read about a group of people killing a baby shark today, because they had to all get an Individual pic to post with it, they killed it by keeping it out of the water, and they didn't even care. That's ridiculous. Sorry, off my soap box now, but that made me a little disappointed in humanity after the buckets raised my hopes for us.

A Mormon Girl At A Jewish/Gay Wedding.

   As we passed the Seattle (actually in Bellevue)  LDS Temple, I pointed it out to my boss.  She had passed this point many times, but she had no idea that was our Temple. It was interesting, we both remarked, how close it was to the Jewish Temple we were heading for. 

 Tonight would be a first, not just for me, or my boss, but all of my attending current and former co-workers. None of us had been to a Jewish wedding. None of us had been to a Gay wedding. None of us had much of a clue of what to expect.

 I will be quite honest, when it comes to weddings, I don't have much diversity of experience.  At least 90% of all weddings and receptions I have attended in my entire life have been Mormons. Most of those were temple weddings with the standard reception (and in recent years, ring ceremony) that follows. I've also only been to Mormon Temples, so what to expect at any other religions Temple, I was excited but had no idea what I would see, or what "temple" means to other religions. I'm not sure I really understand what it means, but I thought I would share my experience from last night. 

 As we pulled up to the Temple B'nai Torah (I believe this means temple of the sons(and daughters), of the Torah- if google can be trusted.) a few minutes down the road from my own temple, one of the first things my boss noticed was the homeless encampment to the side of it. That woman has a heart of gold, and was instantly sad she didn't know there was a homeless encampment, because she could have brought them toilet paper and other necessities. Always thinking of others, I could take a leaf out of her book.

I still don't know what the difference would be between a temple and a synagogue. I've googled a lot in the past 24 hrs, so I will leave that to someone else to answer. But I would say it is kind of like an LDS meeting house, in  function, and this one had a little store in it where you could by stuff for worship, kind of like when the meetinghouse by the LDS temple in Bellevue used to have a distribution center in it. 

 We walked in the door to the temple, and were instantly greeted and handed a program, and instructed to go to the room where the ceremony would take place. But no one was in there, and it was early yet, so we headed back out to the parking lot and sunlight and were instantly greeted by my recently (and not so recently) retired co-workers, and their family.  I was trying to walk and read the program, because the program had explanations of all these words I'd never or rarely heard, and what they meant and I wanted to study up a bit before hand so I wouldn't be missing stuff during the ceremony.

  Here is what I learned from the program:
"Huppah: The wedding takes place under a tent-like structure representing the home that the spouses will build together."

When we were finally seated in the room the ceremony took place in, I noticed in the center focal point of the room, the Huppah. It was a beautiful white  with simple  ornamental fringes. there were no walls to the "tent"  it was open. Behind it, I could see what I would call a golden tree of life. This wasn't part of the ceremony, and no one explained it. I just noticed it was there and enjoyed it, and wondered what it was exactly, and why it was there. But I never found out.

When the ceremony began, there was an entrance procession. The two grooms, Groom A and Groom B as they were referred,  entered from opposite sides of the room, at the same time. Groom A escorted by his Father, and Groom B by his sister.  Both the grooms are older 50/60's range, both of Groom B's parents have passed, and Groom A's mom had passed.  There was no one else involved in the Entrance procession.

 The Grooms were both escorted to the Huppah, the escorters were seated in the audience,  Groom A stood facing the audience, and groom B circled him, I though 3 times, but I don't know.  Then Groom B stood still and Groom A circled.

"Circling: Both parties circle each other. A modern view of this custom is that the love of a person's spouse should envelope and surround him, but there are many other interpretations"

We were then welcomed by the Rabbi, who was a woman.  And then the Rabbi and the Cantor (who was male) did this thing called "Kiddush"

"Kiddush (Blessing of Betrothal): A cup of wine accompanies the betrothal blessings, recited by the clergy. After these are said, the couple drinks from the cup. Wine, a symbol of joy in Jewish tradition, is associated with Kiddush, the sanctification prayer recited on Shabbat (the Sabbath? my guess) and festivals. Marriage, called Kiddushin is the sanctification of a couple to each other."

And that is what happened. Although, it wasn't the only time in the ceremony they drank from the cup. I'm not sure what the other times were.

Next there was a reading from Song of Songs 3:1-4a, a song by the Cantor "set Me for Seal Upon Your Heart"  He sang beautifully.  And then there was another reading from Deuteronomy 30:11-16a. A lot of times they would say things in Hebrew, and then they would say them in English afterwards. It was fascinating, and sometimes I knew words, and most the time I didn't, and after a while I wasn't sure what language I was hearing, and kind of got lost as to what was happening.

Then Groom A and Groom B exchanged rings.  They said words to each other, and then the Rabbi said her piece. Both of them talked about Groom A's wife, who had passed away many years back, due to ultimately a stroke and related complications I believe. We also heard about groom A's daughters, who he had raised by himself for many years.  It was very respectful from both parties, to the wife that had passed away, and her memory was very much honored as part of the Ceremony.  There was also thank you's to family members who had made the wedding possible by campaigning and raising money for the campaign to legalize same sex marriage in Washington.  There were elements of humor. Groom B called himself a Goy. which I had to google, apparently it means "Gentile" and he asked rhetorically what it would be like to be married to a Gay Jew. He then made this cute little rhyme. "oy vey oy vey, he's very very gay"  which made us all chuckle a bit.

After all the words were said there was the reading of the Ketubah.

"Ketubah: the Ketubah is the traditional Jewish wedding contract, originally meant to protect the rights of the bride. In contemporary weddings the Ketubah is a pledge of mutual support and faithfulness between spouses."

There was a lot of Hebrew words I didn't understand at this point, and I had no idea what was going on, but  there you have it.

According to the program there was then Seven Wedding Blessings.  People passed around a mic and said stuff, but I couldn't really hear well on most of it.

There was then a Closing Blessing by the Rabbi and Cantor, and then before the marriage could be official, the Rabbi proclaimed two things must happen. 1- they had to break the glasses.  Each groom had a glass to step on and smash and break- I'm sure you've seen this one in movies. I have. It made a loud popping sound when they stepped on the glasses in unison.  and 2- they had to kiss. then the marriage would be complete.

"Breaking the Glass: one explanation of this custom is that love, like glass, is very fragile and must be protected because, once broken, it is hard to put back together again. Another interpretation is that the sound travels through time and space (I'm resisting a Doctor who reference now) to share the joy of the wedding couple with all who have loved them."

and then The couple left for a bit.

"Seclusion: Immediately following the Ceremony, the couple will leave the Huppah and spend their first  few minutes as spouses alone together in a private place."

 we then all headed to the adjacent hall for the reception. We did have one question though, because of course both grooms were wearing Yarmulkes or Kippahs  (those Jewish hat things). We wanted to know how they stayed on. So later that evening I asked groom B, who informed us it was a hair pin, but that he didn't have much hair, so it was kind of hard for him.

 The awesome part here is that one of my former co-workers is in AA, So she wasn't drinking any more, and neither were half my table, because they were designated drivers. Usually when we get to the part where there's beer and wine and hors d'oeuvres I'm the one awkwardly wondering around looking for water, and something non alcoholic to drink. This time, I had a team. We found some coke a cola and one wise co-worker spotted sparkling cider, and snagged a whole bottle for just our table.  It was fun to have other people sharing sparkling cider with me.

Next we had salad. Or rather everyone else had salad. It had mint in it, so I had to skip that course.  It being a Gay wedding, there had to be nods to that fact, so Hilariously the Grooms shared this clip while people ate. http://vimeo.com/67930171  Xanax for Gay Summer Weddings. Hilarious.  Which reminds me, they gave all their guests teddy bears. Groom B went a bit over board with them, and Groom A told him that there had better be no more left by the end of the night. So I got to take about as many home as I could carry. If anyone knows anyone that needs a teddy bear for cheering up, please let me know.

We then had an amazing dinner. Salmon, Fingerling potatoes, Egg plant something or other  that looked and tasted like lasagna, and green beans in mint- so I couldn't eat them again. thanks mint allergy, for always ruining my life.  (I'm kidding, its fine, I survived).

We then heard toasts from anyone that wanted to.  they told us to have our glasses ready and full of something, anything, even just water. But I don't recall anyone actually ever doing and raising of glasses and drinking. They just talked, and then got cheered, and sat down.

It was this portion that made me cry. I'm not one to cry at weddings, but it was very personal. I also laughed a lot during the toasts. I thought Groom B, my co-worker, had the most unique sense of humor in the world. Then his brother got up, and we discovered had the exact same sense of humor, and could do a perfect impression of Groom B.   It was hear I learned that Grooms A and B had been dating since 2005, I had no idea they had been together so long!
I also learned Groom A had converted to Judaism from Christianity after his brother did the same. Groom A's brother had a whole lot easier time telling his dad he had converted, even though he did it first,  because it was around that time that Groom A had told his dad he was gay, so dad didn't even hardly notice the conversion announcement.

 But the most touching part of the evening was when Groom A's daughters got up. They talked about their dad, and all he had done for them, all the struggles they had gone through together when their mom had a stroke, and years later when she died, and then him raising them alone. Then they talked about when Groom B came into the picture, and had tried to win them over by dancing (apparently rather poorly, but hilariously) to Beyonce in their living room.   They could see how much their dad and this man loved each other. The two families had been joined together, and now, the daughters said, now that Groom B was officially part of their family, they felt that their family  was finally whole again.

Groom B's family, and religious community were also mentioned. He had at one time been a Brother in a Catholic Order, I cant remember which one. I"ve been told many times though, so I should know. He talked about joining, hiding he was gay, fear of getting kicked out, and finding out many others in his order were doing the same. He left the Catholic Church for the IRS, it was joked, and we all laughed pretty hard at that one.
 It was a pretty diverse crowd in that temple that night. Gay, Straight,  Catholic, Christian, Jew, Mormon. So it wasn't surprising ....

When we danced the Hava Nagila, we had a blast, but it was a complete mess. Only a handful of people knew what they were supposed to be doing.

When that fun was done, there was more dancing. The couple had their first dance just before the Hava Nagila, and everyone was asked to join in and make them feel less awkward on the dance floor. I got up and was just going to solo dance. I'm good at that. but one of my former co-workers got up, and wanted to dance too. Her husband is in a motorized chair, so he couldn't join in the dancing. So she and I just danced together.   We stood and looked at each other for a moment and then
both said "how is this supposed to work?"  and then we just started dancing and it was fine. She twirled me around a few times. we decided it was not a good idea for me to twirl her, because she is a lot taller than me.

She looked around the room, and we had a little laugh, because we weren't even standing out.  At least half the dance floor was same sex dance partners. We had a little giggle about that, and then we continued dancing and having fun.

 Finally, dancing ended so that the cake could be cut.  The grooms approached the cake and weren't sure how to go about cutting it, some helpful pointers from the crowd and the cake was soon cut, and nicely fed to each partner. We were all a little disappointed in the lack of cake smashing, especially since there was no dress to worry about ruining.  We had a dessert bar- including the wedding cake. I was genuinely stuffed to the gills at this point, and knew i was in trouble. After a week of being sick and eating only soup and crackers, I had pushed it a bit far with real food, and my stomach was starting to hurt.

 No misshapes though, i made it home, some what in pain, but fine.  Groom B was asked, before we left if there would be a garter or bouquet toss. At which point he had a melt down because there was supposed to be a bouquet toss, but they forgot about it, and now it wasn't happening.

 Before I left, as we were saying our goodbyes to the happy couple, I noticed one of the other guests had a Namejs ring, which, I also happened to be wearing one.  A Namejs ring is a special ring from Latvia. I got it on my mission. I tapped the man, showed him my ring, we fist bumped and he asked me if I was Latvian. I told him no, but that I had lived in Latvia and Lithuania for a year and a half with my church. His father was Latvian and from a small town on the boarder of Lithuania and Latvia.  We had a short but sweet conversation, and then said goodbye.

It is a small world after all. That was perhaps one of the most culturally diverse evenings of my life. And I try to incorporate a lot of cultural diversity into my life. A variety of people, from a variety of communities, from a variety of religions, orientations, and political stances came together for one night, and learned something new from each other at some point, all because two people fell in love.

 It was a lot of fun, and a lot of learning. I still have more I could learn about Jewish customs, but I was really grateful to have an opportunity to give support and love to my co-worker and a man that has made his life far more happy and meaningful. I was grateful for an opportunity to experience and see a different religions take on a very sacred marriage experience.  And quite honestly, I enjoyed laughing, crying, and dancing a lot. Seriously though, Anyone need a teddy bear? I have four. My dog will eat them.

Ferry Tales

It was a warm sunny Seattle summer day, I had just finished a large lunch complete with birthday cake in celebration of a Co-workers birthday.  I sat at my desk mindlessly typing on my keyboard and listening to a book on tape.

The book was a wonderful story, but nothing could hold my attention over the drowsiness that was over coming me, and defeating my every effort to stay awake. I started to drift off, when my phone vibrated, alerting me to news that jolted me out of my near slumber into full blown panic in less than a minute.

The Bainbridge ferry, the Tacoma has had a power failure mid route, and Bainbridge is now closed as a ferry route, Bremerton delayed, as they sent a boat to rescue the stranded passengers.

My heart sank. Minutes earlier I had dreamed of nothing more than avoiding all people as much as possible for the rest the day, getting home as quickly as possible, and watching highlights of the Commonwealth games while throwing tennis balls to my dog.

Now, however, I knew I would get home late tonight, if at all, and I'd be in a crowded ferry terminal, followed by probably a crowded ferry, with irate people wanting nothing more than to get home from work, eat dinner, and see their loved ones, before going to bed, probably early to make up for their frustration.

Surely, I thought, they will pull a second boat from somewhere. Surely they will be running things by the time I go home. Surely they won't put Bainbridge in a rush hour lurch.

The time came, and I went. One ferry was running again, and there were no more notifications about Bremerton being behind. Surely, it won't delay me more than an hour, I thought as I walked at a leisurely pace to the ferry.

I thought wrong. I arrived at the ferry terminal and saw State patrol and police tape blocking the walk-on exit area of the Bainbridge side of the ferry terminal. Maybe they are just keeping people from blocking the exit? I had no clue, but that was my only guess.

I walked into the terminal. Already the line was almost back out the door, but there were no indications that we should stand in the line, appart from the line, which we usually don't have we have a massing of people.

So I walked forward to investigate. The turn style area was roped off, with a limited number of people waiting casually in the area. My feet were hurting from my plantar faciaitis,  so I decided to take a seat for a while, and think.

It wasn't so bad yet, that I didn't believe everyone there at that time could be on the next ferry. Should I get in line for Bainbridge, or should I just head to Bremerton and try to get a ride from a friend?  I decided I'd better get in line while I thought, because people were starting to grow very hostile towards anyone not in the line, probably out of fear of people cutting in.

I joined the back of the queue, now only ten feet from the entrance door. I was there only five minutes when the announcement came that they would only take 600 people on the next ferry. 

I thought that meant walk ons, more from cars, but it still seemed like too great of chance I wouldn't make the cut, and people were starting to get mean, and my foot hurt. So I ditched the line and went for plan bremerton.

Soon after, I heard another announcement. One boat doing the whole run. That's one boat leaving seattle about every hour and twenty to fourth minutes. 600 total people. 300 from the cars, 300 from the walk ons. Pleas began to come over the intercom every ten minutes. Please remain orderly, if you're going to bremerton stay on your side of the terminal and away from the Bainbridge side.  Usually there is a ferry each half hour, taking 2500 passengers including cars. That was going to get even more ugly, as rush hour ferry traffic swelled the ranks of waiting stranded people.

I sat on the floor in a boarding area for bremerton. Guaranteed to be one of the first people on the next boat to come. I'd left work at 3:30. Already it was nearing 4:30, and some people were saying a ferry wasn't expected until 6, or 7 pm. I wasn't sure any more of my choice. I felt stranded either way, and tensions were building over here too. I used to commute on the Bremerton boat, I knew people could sometimes get vicious and territorial.

I wasn't used to seeing that on the Bainbridge boat, but circumstances made it clear those people were human too, and tempers were flailing before I defected lines. But I also knew of the bitterness and rivalry Bremerton commuters have, and the animosity they feel towards Bainbridge for the numerous times we've put them down a boat to cover our run. Bitterness and bad feelings run deep for Bremerton commuters towards Bainbridge commuters. Something most Bainbridge commuters are blissfully unaware of. I was not, but a man in front of me was, and was shooting off his mouth. I feared a fight could break out, and he was surrounded.

Well, the Bremerton boat made it by 5:04 pm. Just a half hour or so off schedual. minutes before we heard Bainbridge folk being encouraged to maintain order as the 600 boarded their vessel. A clue to the likely flailing tempers and disorder that were likely to build with each passing hour.

I boarded Bremerton with no incident. It was packed to the gills, and at one point they asked everyone to stay still while they counted passengers. There were a lot of people standing, or sitting on the floor, so doubtless we were over or at capacity.

But the atmosphere became friendly,  the hour ride passed quickly, and we arrived without incident. And I, will make it home tonight, about two hours late. Not what I wanted or dreamed of, but better than it could have been, or is for some of my friends, still stranded and waiting for Bainbridge transport. I won't get all I wanted, but, I'm happy to be home before 8 tonight. And that's today's true ferry tail.

My tendons, C/o the Boys and Girls Club

Why all field trips must always return to Kitsap during peak commuter hours is a mystery to me. Peak hours when the boat is already crowded, hot, and full of tired people that work all day. Peak hours when it's going to be easiest to loose track of your large group of young children,  or have them deranged some mentally unbalanced person, yeah, that seems like a good time to have your field trip return to its point of origin. PSYCH! its a totally stupid time. Yet they always choose it. Great time to jam turn styles with people who don't know how to scan their ticket.

I love kids,  and I love field trips for kids. Good idea. I just think you could better plan a time to take them home. My memory may be foggy, but at least in my school district, growing up, they planned for the bus to leave before rush hour.

But here I sit, on a ferry full of noisy children, and with tighter seating, also more noise than normal adults. We've all given up on the idea of our normal ferry nap. I'm writing a blog, others are getting to know a new friend.  I guess change can be a good thing. Spice of life right?

Well, I've decided to take this out on you with a blog post about my feet. I've noticed, I write better blogs when I'm angry, or even lightly enraged by some observation or other. I've felt too much peace in my life lately,  so I haven't had much to say. I still dont. I'm fine with the children, actually. They aren't bad kids. Today's selection is brought to you by the Boys and Girls Club of America. Good org, in my opinion.

So my tendons. I still have achillies tendonaitis, and plantar faciaitis. They suck. Don't ever get them. If you do, try to get to a physical therapist, they are far more helpful in treating it than my foot doctor is, or my regular doctor, who didn't even have a clue what was wrong.

Any way, it's getting better at a very steady rate. This pleases me. It's a very slow rate. This frustrates me. I ran out of P.T. visits and am now waiting for my insurance to approve three more. This is more frustrating than anything.

However, in the mean time, I just continue my strengthening and balance and flexibility improving exercises at home (and work) on my own. As well as a massage and ice regime.  I'm not very good at the massage part, and I'm missing the ice/electrode thing, and occasionally the ultrasound thing. Those helped a lot. That stupid metal scraper, that I don't miss at all.

Any way, I'd really just like my foot to finish healing. I have all these exercises and stretches to do, three times a day. Plus the ice and massage. The result of this is that my core and arms have been greatly neglected while my legs (im doing both legs even though I only have to do the injured one, because I want them to be balanced) Any way, my legs are pretty stellar looking right now, appart from how white they are.

So I really need my foot to heal, so that I have enough time and energy left to build my core and arms. I'm sure they are getting a little with the stuff I'm doing, but they really want more time.

Well, that's pretty much it for now. I'm feeling good about my life, like I am deciding my own fate, for the first time ever. Maybe I'll talk more about that sometime, but it feels really good to own your own life and decisions, and not just live to meet what you think(or actually are) everyone else's expectations.  Happy wednesday. Time to get on a bus. With no field trip children :)

CuddleBuddy.com

Today, I was feeling all sorts of emotional, and needy. What was it I was needing? A hug would have been great. A REAL hug. not one of those "I'm afraid to connect to another human being in person" kind of hugs.

There is a lot of research out there showing how beneficial and super important it is for people to get so many good hugs in every day. I'm pretty lucky if I get even one.  Add to that the fact that my primary love language is touch, and actually I can get pretty drained and feeling needy quickly if I can't get a good hug fix. I read somewhere in one of those articles about how human beings need hugs, etc that there are some places even setting up hug clubs.  I'll tell you what, as long as the people aren't creepy, and they take a shower a few times a week, I'm in.

Too bad when your home teachers come over and ask what you need it would be inappropriate to say, well actually I really need a hug.  Visiting teachers can meet that roll. So that's good. Once a month, I can get an OK hug. Nope, not doing the job.

 Today was beyond hug club though. Probably because I've been in introvert mode full blast, and haven't really wanted to go to major social events lately, plus the emotional weird place I've been since a few blog posts ago, I kind of did that push people away thing again. Sorry, I just think you all will probably abandon me some day, with increasing likely hood the more honest, open and myself I am. I try to convince myself other wise, but, you know how it goes. Any way, I do have a few friends I haven't pushed out of my space. Some of them are really not into hugs though, and some of them live in Utah.

So here I am, depleted to levels beyond the rescue of Hug Club, well, maybe. I don't know. I don't even know where my local hug club is. Should I start one? would you join? I have reached a level of hug depletion so desperately low I am willing to organize one.

And I was feeling this way at work and all, so I reached out and started talking to one of my work friends in Utah about it. She was feeling the same way, but at that point we took it a level further, and decided someone needs to make a place called Cuddlebuddy.com.  Because sometimes, Like for me today, a hug club really probably isn't enough. Oh no, we've reached the NCO level here.  You've heard of a NCMO? Non Committal Make Out session?  it was a big deal in college, but never my thing.  But cuddling was. mmmm watching a Rom-Com and cuddling with a guy that was great. Loved the NCO. (non-committal cuddle out). I miss those days.  Today I could really Use a NCO.  I could use CuddleBuddy.com.

 I don't want anyone to make out with. I'm not looking for a random hook up with a stranger. I just want someone to come over and hold me close while we laugh, and cry through a Romantic Comedy. Then they can go home and we can be done till next time. I mean, its great when a cuddle buddy is a friend, but that always gets complicated and they may think you want to date them. I think I previously stated where I am at in wanting to date, so that's not gonna work for me right now.  I still need a cuddle though. I'm still human, I need touch, its my love language. it makes me feel human, and loved, and helps me to love myself better. I know this is awkward,  but I'm just awkward, so deal with it.  Maybe you feel the same way? I don't know. I think a lot of my single friends do, whether or not they admit it.  One friend doesn't seem to feel that way, I started to tell her about Cuddlebuddy.com,  and she was like, get a body pillow, hug your dog. and I was like, no dude, I need someone to hug me back! but she likes to cut off all feelings and emotions, and she doesn't like hugs.   so Cuddlebuddy.com isn't for everyone.

 My other friend and I decided this song would make a  great theme song for Cuddlebuddy.com though. Its perfect. Forget one night stands,  Sam Smith, all you really needed was Cuddlebuddy.com.  And this song, I think says perfectly what all us cuddlers are lacking. Its not love, we just need someone to hold us for a bit.


Well, after all that, I decided to come home and see if cuddlebuddy.com already exists. There is one, and only one site. the people on it seem kind of shady, so I will just continue my drought. But, I think they explain  perfectly what I was trying to say in their about page...   http://www.cuddlecomfort.com/site/how  Well, I'm going to go repress my emotions now. Have a great night.

Running away to Netflix land

 I was not feeling well on Sunday or Monday. I stayed home. I felt too horrible to sleep, and too horrible to do anything useful. I was alone and isolated on days I usually am surrounded with people, and quite honestly, life was catching up to me.

 I set some pretty big goals. I work hard, and I am interested in pretty much everything, and I always try to take on way too much at one time. I can never keep up with it because I am human.  When I am in good enough health, I can find physical activities that help me to deal with that stress.  But, after weeks and months of working hard to heal my foot, and day in day out of the same boring exercises, and being denied the opportunity to do my favorite activities- skating, running, jumping, soccer, hockey,  two days of feeling pretty crappy and isolated caught up with me, so I ran away, to the only place I could. Netflix.

 After watching 20 straight hours of Orange is the New Black, I have a lot of opinions on prison reform, life, humanity, people, the ways a mission compares to prison, and the ways its different. I love that that show made me think, but watching that much at once gave me a major headache, and a binge watching problem, of getting attached to fictional characters, and realizing i actually need contact with real people.

 Tuesday when I went back to work, I spent a good portion of the day thinking about binge watching and its effects. I could feel shame about the speed that I often watch shows. I don't.  Usually I am multi-tasking when I am watching things, and its more just back ground noise, and its usually only a little at a time, but going on a major one like that, when you are feeling yucky and want to forget that you are feeling yucky, that catches up to you and makes you feel even more yucky. But I have to complete things, so I slowed down a bit and completed the  series. And now I can let it go and move back on to life.

 But in the process of this, I talked to a lot of my friends about our binge watching habits, and why we do it. Clearly this is a thing, there are even memes about it. I just posted one to my facebook, and I saw a sketch about it on portlandia, and I've seen other friends do this. And hey, If it weren't netflix, or some show, It would have been a book. I read harry potter in 5 days when book 7 came out- and i was working full time. 2 days for the whole hunger games.

 and I know other people face withdrawals from characters, or even rock stars, or Olympians or whatever when these things end and we come back to reality. Who didn't want to follow the Seahawk players on fb and twitter obsessively after our big victory. We all know about me and my curling team after the Olympics.  I was listening to a BBC radio 1 podcast the other day, and I think it was either Greg James, Grimmy, or Scott Mills, but one of them - i think Scott, was talking about how much he missed Katy Perry, because he spent all weekend at the Radio one big weekend, listening to her concerts, and interviewing her.

 after that there was a conversation, a lot of people were like, yeah, I miss it, I miss the stars when a big event like that ends, and then other people talked about how they missed the characters when they finished a book, or a movie, or TV series.  I'll never forget how lost i felt when i finished harry potter, and couldn't have Harry, Ron and Hermione in my life any more.  I started a wizard rock band after that, and wrote songs. I wasn't the only one. Wizard Rock was a thing. a website of fanfics went up- the leaky cauldron- we came together trying to fill the void.

 I think this gets worse the more our society  becomes digitalized, the less we actually interact with each other. We run a way to a fantasy land, where we have friends, that aren't real, but its safe, because we can invest, and feel emotionally invested. We can escape from harsh realities, we can avoid the risk of someone hurting us.  We can run. But you can't hide. eventually things catch up with you. I think I kept hearing that message while i was watching OITNB, Piper, the main character brought up once or twice, that the scary thing about prison was that you had to face yourself, you couldn't run and hide. Well, that's true of anything, you can only run so far, and then you will have to eventually deal with it.

  And I used to think that running was a bad thing, that we should always just face everything, head on and deal with it. And I think that the sooner you do the better, but I think sometimes, life is just too much, and sometimes you have to run, a little, for a little while, to gather the energy to face life and its big scariness.

 Honestly, Ive been feeling pretty lonely lately.  Honestly I've been a little scared to let anyone close to me lately, and yet I need and want to let people in. I miss my brother. I miss my friends. I miss my family.  But I have this deep overwhelming sense that I'm just going to disappoint everyone and let them down. I feel like I either have to tell them what they want to hear, or loose them all. Its completely a lie, and I know that, because there are people who have stuck with me through the most amazing circumstances, but I've also lost a few really big important ones along the way. and one loss seems to counter the weight of a 100 successes.  Why is that?

 And why do I so frequently feel that my choice is to let myself down, or let everyone else down?  like I cant win. because if I do win, I win alone, but if I let everyone else win, I still lose?

 At the end of the day, the madness has to stop. I can't binge watch another day. and quite honestly I don't want to.  I just watched two seasons with 13 hr episodes each in just about two days time. and it wasn't light fluffy stuff, it was a deep thinking thought provoking show. So i don't recommend doing that every day, or even often at all. But quite honestly, I think I needed to do that. because I've come back from that place, with a new perspective, a new respect and appreciation for the freedoms and associations, and relative safety that I enjoy in my life.  I feel a little braver, and a bit more prepared to face what I need to.  I don't know, maybe its an introvert thing. I need to be a lone, but not really alone.  and I need things that will really make me think and see things as I haven't seen them before.  there was merit to my madness. But it was madness. It was.

 I guess what I am saying is, there is a balance, and sometimes the balance goes a bit to extremes, but i think that is not completely without value, when it isn't something that happens all the time. I'm ready for a weeks break from netflix. or amazon, or hulu.  but, I'm glad I have come to appreciate what I do have more. It makes me feel less stressed about my life, and probably a bit more human, because I know I'm not the only one that does this.  And although I have never wanted to go to prison before, I know I really really dont ever want to go to prison now. EVER.  so I guess thats a good thing. Im more determined to be law abiding, and never be framed for anything.