Body Issue (part 2): Post Mormon

One summer, while studying at Utah State University, I was fortunate to have a bedroom to myself. It was in a attic room in an old house, and it got really hot up there. There was no air conditioning, and I was working at Wal-Mart  that summer. I used my employee discount to purchase a small fan, that I still use to this day.  I came up with all sorts of techniques for staying cool. But my favorite thing of all out of this situation was what I called 'Naked guitar time.'

After I got out of the shower, I'd buzz across the hall to my room in a towel, shut the door, drop the towel and spend how ever long I felt like it playing my guitar and just being naked. 

It was one of the greatest stress relievers I had ever experienced and was incredibly freeing. It was a time to litterally be comfortable in my own skin.  But the time was short lived. The summer ended, I moved into a shared room in an apartment of six women. 

Then I decided to go on a mission at the end of the year, resulting of course in receiving temple endowments, and beginning a decade without naked guitar time, or really any naked time outside of showering.

Slowly my body became alien to me, always covered up in so many layers of clothes. I lost a small piece of myself for a while.  

When I left the church, and stoped wearing garments, I was very cold all the time. Having direct contact with my bra to my skin felt odd, and having had that thin shirt layer between me and the world for a decade left that area extra sensitive for a time. Eventually I adjusted.

Finding underwear was difficult. I no longer liked the thin material of traditional women's underwear, nor the feeling it gave me of having my legs separated from everything else by these two small little leg holes.  I also had issues with thigh friction, and they were used to being protected from that. 

I immediately began a quest to find women's boxer briefs and the closest I found was boy shorts. This was not adequate, so for a time I tried a number of mens boxer briefs, but they were not a whole lot better. Then one day I stumbled upon Tomboyx, and found my match. Shorter than garments, but longer than boy shorts, these colorfully designed underwear were made for women's bodies, and I felt more comfortable than I ever had before.

Adjusting to clothing was a big part of the journey. "Modest is hottest" was a phrase that had dominated a decade of my life, and the route back to my teenage tank top, and normal length shorts has been far more tricky than the underwear. My tan lines on my arms, as well as not used to feeling air on that skin made that a two year journey. 

When I took the above pictures with my friend earlier this week, it was not the first time I had wore a tank top in public, but it was the first time I felt comfortable doing so since probably my senior year of high school. Me and my post Mormon friends often joke about 'porn shoulders' for our sleeveless shirts, confronting the remnants of modesty shaming in our cultural lens. 

Another hot topic in that circle has been tattoos. Should I get one? What should I get? Where would I put it? We were all pondering this until one friend followed through and told us how much it hurt. We're still discussing it, but some of us want to know where is the least painful location first. It's a deeply thought out process. 

There is a freedom that has come post Mormonism, to decide what to keep, and what to not keep when it comes to ideas about our body, what is good, what is bad, what is harmless but just up to me. There is a deepening recognition of rape culture and it's effects. What you wear doesn't cause rape, rapists cause rape. What you wear doesn't lead to out of control immorality, if anything hedging yourself in with fear about your body creates a culture steeped in taboo, and unhealthiness that feeds into that out of control feeling.

The greatest gift of post Mormonism has been a healthier relationship with body and sexuality, which has given myself and those I have spoken with freedom from that feeling of peril, of being on the edge of disaster by any and every small choice, and neglected need.  Healthy sexuality makes life much easier, and much more joyous than overly rigid, disconnected, unhealthy  pent up frustrated sexuality.

Confronting to culture of the Word of Wisdom brought many of us to enjoy coffee, and recognize it's health benefits. Beliefs of what you should put in your body, can effect how you perceive your body. 

As I transitioned to new beliefs, I talked to my friends and did research, to find what was true about my former beliefs, and what was questionable, or even false from a medical and scientific perspective. 

 Alcohol was was another chapter in this transition. It can have negative effects, but in moderation isn't always harmful. In my post Mormon friend groups, some smartly stay away, recognizing a history of alcoholism in their families. Some studied up and try things, but in moderation. I learn that I am the lightest of light weights, and strict moderation is the only thing my body will allow for. You will never see me have two drinks, and it's more than likely, if I have one, some one will be finishing half of it.  Some others  found they didnt get the calming effect from it they were expecting, and had much higher tollerance.  

There was a feeling of being a second adolecence/young adulthood, as 30, 40, and older year olds try things or learn about things for the first time. Other people your age already did this, you did not. That can make you feel a little insecure, behind, and overwhelmed. 

Along with the fear of a Mormon friends seeing you in a tank top, drinking your latte and judging that the reason you left the church was to go have fun and "sin" experimenting with these things, rather than that you left and no longer  could find a logical reason to not drink coffee, or tea, or wear tank tops on a hot day. 

As our thoughts and beliefs about clothes, and food, and drink change, our relationship with our bodies change. Things we used to be very judgemental about before  are now things we are curious about, and must ponder if they fit in our lives after all or not. It is a journey that brings many questions, many choices, much responsibility, but also much joy.

The journey out of the LDS church has a lot of physical and emotional ramifications. It is a journey of self discovery, at times deeply emotional, but ultimately I feel I have come to know and understand myself better, and I have come to feel more confident with the decisions I have made for myself. 

It's a journey of becoming more worried about what I think, than what everyone else will think, because you have to. Because your Mormon friends may think what you are doing is wrong, and your never Mormon friends may not understand why wearing a tank top on a hot day and Drinking a coffee is such a big deal to you. 

I have moments where I fear being judged by one side or the other. I sometimes fear something will happen and someone will say "it's your own fault, God told you so."  

But I feel as comfortable in my skin again as I had begun to feel those college days of naked guitar time, and in those moments I start feeling afraid of judgement of other people, I ask myself, what do you really feel and believe about this? Why are you feeling these feelings? Is it because you are wrong, and you know you are wrong? Or is it because you were taught this is wrong and you know what people are thinking about you for disagreeing? 

I answer That question as honestly as possible, and move forward, becoming more of who I am, and less of who people think I should be, and that gives me peace. I have felt more and more self confident and steady as I go, despite continuing wobbles, and fresh challenges along the way. 

Body Issue (Part 1) : You Should Go And Love Yourself

This past Sunday, I experienced a body image roller coaster the likes and intensity of which, I do not recall ever experiencing before.

I was extremely tired, having not slept well at all. So I was glad my friend had messaged to cancel our 9 am walk, because I would have more time to try to sleep, and get ready for my Seattle Reign game and volunteer duties. But I was also kind of sad we weren't meeting, because I knew I was struggling deeply to feel human connection, to feel lovable, and acceptable.

This game was a big deal to me. Marta the Brazilian soccer legend  would be playing, as would Ali Krieger, and one of my favorite human sports celebrity figures on the planet... Ashlyn Harris.

I Knew I would be headed to the fan zone post game for autographs. I wouldn't skip this definite once in a year (possibly once in a lifetime) opportunity. But, I also hate the fan zone. I hate being there asking for autographs.

The players are amazingly kind and friendly  to the fans, but internally my shy side is in full effect in the fan zone, coupled with the feeling of "you're an adult. You're older than most of these players, it's not cool for you to be here"

I have no idea where this feeling comes from, as there are pleanty of people my age and older in the fan zone, without kids. Humans need inspiration and roll models no matter the age of either the human seeking inspiration, nor that of the human inspirer.

But we ain't even there yet, because I ain't even left my house. So let's back this up. Deciding what to wear to a game and getting my hair right is very important to me. Memorial stadium is a major part of my community life post Mormonism. And a desire to be accepted by ones community is ever present.

I wanted to feel like a badass. I wanted to dress and look in a way that would make me feel empowered. I was on my way to potentially meeting some of the most badass, inspiring people (cough cough, ashlyn harris),  meeting new friends in my volunteer efforts, and meeting people I am interested in ... getting to know better ;)

So I went for my "power suit" and snapped on my utility kilt. My hair game was tops, and I felt like I was looking pretty hot. Game on. Ready to go.

I boarded the ferry an hour later, feeling confident and bold. As I walked to the "quiet cabin" I passed a group of ladies, sitting on a bench outside. I didn't look and see these ladies, but my mind decided they were pretty feminine straight girls. As I walked passed I heard myself being talked about and my defenses instantly went up, and I started to shut down.

I heard one of them say "look at her Utility Kilt, I love it. That is the cutest one I have ever seen."

Wait? What?  I'm pretty sure I was blushing as I tried to remain cool and slip into the cabin, quietly. Pretend you didn't hear a thing, don't make eye contact, you don't hear them talking about you.

How did I feel so defensive about a compliment? I had been expecting the worst. The opposite had happened. But good or bad, I don't really like a lot of attention. I went and took a nap, pondering the underlying emotional dynamics I was feeling.

I showed up for my volunteer time, and strung some passes on a lanyard, and that was it. They didn't really need us today, and I felt kind of useless. At one point the wind picked up, and me and another volunteer doubled back to help brace up the merchandise from the gusts. Then back to standing around.

Then the Seattle Magestics showed up. And one of the most peppy, fun women's pro football players came up and started talking to me. They were there to get more fans coming to their games. It worked. I plan on going. They were really nice, and really cool, and mentally I felt a little pick up for a bit.

Then during the game, I was admiring Ashlyn Harris's new short haircut, which I absolutely adore. The college girls behind me started talking smack about it, and how they liked it much better long, it was so much prettier then, they said.

This instantly brought back all the memories of flack I have gotten over my short hair, and I just wanted to shout at them "Listen, a holes, your opinion of her hair, and my opinion of her hair doesn't matter. What matters is how she feels about her hair, and if she loves it."

I didn't, but I wanted to.  I love my hair. I love it. It makes me feel empowered and very happy.

In this moment of projection, all those small passive aggressive digs at my short hair, and not so passive aggressive digs flooded back to me and I projected things I wanted to say to the diggers. I love my hair. Your negative opinion on it, is none of my damn business, and I don't want to hear it. You aren't destroying my love of my hair, but you are a little bit destroying my desire to be around you, and I would like it if you would stop.  Keep your negativity to yourself. My short hair is a hard won life long battle to care more about my own opinion than everyone else's, to love myself for who I am, and freely express that. Your words won't make me lose that fight, but they remind me that I have to keep fighting it and I can't always trust the people I wish I could.

Soon after that, Ashlyn Harris got injured. Now I might not get to meet her, and I might not get an autograph. I was sad. The game was intense and amazing, and by the end I didn't even care that we had tied.

I went to the fan zone, alone. Something that's hard for me to do. And while waiting there I felt confident enough to start talking to this really good looking lady standing next to me. It went pretty well. We met Marta, who took a picture of me and her with my own phone. Then we met Ali Krieger.  The reign players came and I got a rare Laura Harvey autograph. Lu Barnes and Bev yanez came over, and made me feel right at home chatting like we were old friends.

Ashlyn Harris was still on the field, hobbling around with help. I hoped still she could hobble our way, but understandably  she did not. Me and my new friend desperately wanted to meet her. We both love her hair, and her soccer skills and find her inspiring. We discussed possibly shouting "Hey Ashlyn" to see if we couldn't possibly coax her our way. But as if she heard our discussion in the moment before we could say or do anything, Ashlyn Harris looked straight at us, waved, and hobbled into the locker room.

It was good enough. Next I thought about giving my new friend my phone number. ;) but I couldn't. I felt too fragile. I was bolstered enough by all the positive events of the day, but I felt this weak undercurrent of emotional energy, like one rejection would be enough to topple the whole thing  and send me into a horrible downward spiral.

I have spent the days since in conversations and thought  on body image, on self esteem, on confidence. I have listened to podcasts and read blogs and reports from some of my favorite celebrities being real, and honest about their own struggles. I have talked to friends and considered a lot of angles and dynamics. I'm feeling fairly good about things this week, but I felt the time had come for a discussion on this topic, from me.

The undercurrent of negativity is still flowing in my life. The only way I know to defeat it is openness, honesty, and vulnerability. I must face this head on. So we will face it together.

There is far too much to fit in a single blog post, so this will be a series I will write through the week. Some of my topics will include: nature vs nurture vs me, athletes, skin deep, masculinity/femininity, dating and marriage, hight, weight, and healthiness, and  post-mormon issues.

These will be my thoughts and experiences, as well as those of my friends who have boldly shared their stories. This won't be expert advise, just an opportunity to know that we are all human, and we aren't in this alone.

Carry 5k

Well, I promised a blog post about our 5k for water 1st international, with the Seattle Reign. So here it is.

Diana and I left poulsbo at 9:55 am sunday. This was much later than we should have left, but I woke up early and got distracted in my garden, and didn't start taping my legs with KT tape until it was time to go.

Diana took Nick for a quick walk while i finished  placing the magic stretchy tape in all the magic places to give support to my foot. And then we hopped in the car and hoped we would make the ferry.  It was a very close call. I dropped D at the top of the hill, with all of our empty water containers and wraps, and hurried down to park at her friends house.

Then I ran up the hill, then down to the ferry. I made the boat just as they did the last call for walk ons. I was tired, my legs were tired. And my lungs burned. And then we sat for 40 mins and I drank a protein shake. I probably should have stretched or something other than just sitting, but it was fine.

We got off the ferry, and walked pretty quickly to the monorail. We were at the fountain and the space needle in no time at all, so we walked around, signed in and got our shirts, and started loading up on free goodies. Kind bars, Pop popcorn, and stumtown nitro cold brew coffee. We also drank a ton of water. Well, I know I did, not so sure about D.

We saw Elli Reed from the Reign, but I wasn't in the mood for chating  or autographs, so I just pointed out that she was the one from utah, and we sat by the fountain and watched Thor  and some other cosplayers do a photo shoot.

We filled our gallon jugs then played with the wraps. Figuring out how to wrap and carry the water was the big challenge. We made it work.

Just before the race was about to start, Carmen Sandiego showed up, did a walk in registration and joined us.  We did two laps around key arena, the space needle, and memorial stadium, for a nice easy 5 k walk in excellent weather. I wore my kilt, and that kept things nice and cool.

We stopped once in the middle, with a bunch of other people for a potty break, and then we were done. It was over. Carmen Sandiego said goodbye, and we emptied our water jugs and headed over to Mod Pizza to get some lunch.

D went out on the patio to save us a place after we ordered, and I waited to grab the pizzas. When I brought them out, my friend was not looking well at all, her face was red and you could tell she wasn't feeling well. I figured some time sitting and some food would probably help, but after 10 minutes she wasn't looking any better and she wasn't really eating her food.

I went inside for help. The super awesome manager, Brandon came out and sat with us, quickly determining it was dehydration. He gave her ice filled gloves and wet towels to put on her head and cool her down. He sent an employee over to get some fresh orange juice from the skillet, and  he swabbed her wrists with alcholol wipes, which is supposed to help with blood flow I believe he said and then he called the paramedics to come check things out.

D's vitals were all  ok, so we just sat there and rested for a few hours and kept cooling her down.  Finally she started to seem animated and normal again. Her face went back to a normal color, and we hopped on the monorail and caught a ferry home with all the mariners fans.

It was very emotional for me, to see my friend not feeling well. I felt a bit scared and wanted to cry at one point. But luckily everything was ok, and we all got home safely.  

The moral of this story I think can be the things the EMT  pointed out. Diana is a runner, she's in good shape, this was not a difficult 5k. However she had done a lot in the days leading up to this event, and that does take a toll. No matter your fitness level, your body needs recovery days. Especially the older you get. It also needs water. Stay hydrated, it's very very important.

As my friend Sara and I sing at work

"Stand up, stand up, drink water before you dehydrate."

Some People I'd Like You To Meet

 The other day I was talking to my brilliant co-worker about things we love and why. She is not the least bit into sports, with one major exception. She is a massive baseball fan, and specifically she loves the New York Mets more than any person I have ever heard of.  I made her a special Mets Nutcracker for Christmas.

Then there is Carmen Sandiego. Those of you that are friends with me know that Carmen Sandiego is the nick name of a lady that I have gone on a number of dates with, surprisingly most of them to Reign soccer games. This is surprising because  she, like my co-worker, isn't the slightest bit interested in sports. But after I got her through the first half of the first game, and explained to her the basics of what was going on, and who people were, she seemed to like it. I think she may have been more interested in the game than me.  Ha ha! and she still isn't a sports person.

 As my co worker and I had our deep discussion about why she loves baseball, and why she loves the Mets; And I talked about why I love the sports and teams I do, and why I don't care about others, we came to a mutual conclusion that a big factor in being invested in and caring about a team  (whether you like sports or not)  comes down to having some personal connection to that team, that community.

That's how I, a Figure Skater who watched soccer once every 2-4 years, suddenly became a die hard fan attending every game.

 When I think back to the first Reign game I went to,  I only knew who Hope Solo and Megan Rapinoe were. I felt a little out of place in the stands, and even though I knew the rules, I didn't know the players or traditions and I felt a little odd.

 But then I met this girl from Kuwait. We met online and became soccer buddies, attending the games together. She became one of my best friends in the world, and she got me to finally take advantage of one of the greatest opportunities Women's Pro soccer gives you- The Fan Zone. I'm extremely shy when it comes to asking for autographs. but my Kuwaiti friend would drag me down to the Fan Zone, and she knew all the players. She talked to them after every game. So, because of her, I started to know who they were, and it started to take on some meaning for me.

I often invite my friends to come to soccer games with me. its much more fun that way, and I will be your guide to the traditions at Memorial Stadium, the rules of the game if you need it, and right here, right now I am going to give you the opportunity to get to know my take as a fan, on some of these  amazing women. Please bare with me my non sportsball loving friends and read to the end of this post. I promise you, I will make it worth your time.

I'm going to start with the Goal Keeper- no, its not Hope Solo. She did play for the Reign, last year. but she had shoulder surgery, and all that craziness with the US women's national team, so for now she is not playing. I wish her an excellent recovery, and much more distant  happy ending to her career.

Our goal keeper is Haley Kopmeyer. She was trained under Hope Solo, and  is pretty impressive. If you didn't like the drama of Hope Solo, as many people did not, you may find the comedy of Kop much more palatable and she learned a lot skill wise from solo and is amazing at stopping that ball. super talented.
In addition to her job keeping soccer balls out of the goal, she also does these hilarious and charming short YouTube videos  Stops With Kop where she goes around Seattle talking with her team mates. Her tweets are also well worth following for those who do twitter.  Also, she smiled and waved at me when I was doing the volunteer set up, on her way into the locker room pre-game. I was focusing on grabbing some heavy metal gate, so I wasn't expecting that at all, and I was quite excited about it after.

Next I'm gonna mention Megan Rapinoe. I'm sure just about everyone has heard of Megan Rapinoe in some context. She was on that very watched women's national team that won the World Cup in Canada. She is also (as far as the last time I read up on this stat) the only person to score a goal from a corner kick. And she did it during the Olympic Games!   But the reason I love Megan Rapinoe is because she has a way of helping people just learn to embrace their inner weird kid and love themselves for who they are. If you haven't read it yet, you simply must read this letter she wrote to her 13 year old self. If you are having a bad day, the very first thing you should do is read this letter.

 Its powerful stuff            http://thelab.bleacherreport.com/dear-megan/ 

Jess Fishlock is from WALES. She has 100 caps (that means she has played 100 games) for the Welsh national team. More than any other man or woman. Shes pretty amazing, and she isn't that tall, which is surprising because she has a tall presence. Ive met her, she has maybe an inch on me. possibly 2.  This summer she went in the off season and played in the Women's League in Australia.  Her team wasn't doing so great, and half way through the season the coach left the team! So Jess Fishlock steps up and becomes a player/coach, and her team goes on to win the League.  She is pretty amazing, and one of the kindest people I have ever met (off the field. On the field she isn't one to mess with). Last year at the season ticket holders event I was so Impressed with how willing she was to spend time with all the people that wanted a picture or an autograph. it was a very positive experience and so great to watch the way she interacted with fans of all ages.

Now, there are obviously a lot of players on our team, so I can't spend all night talking about all of them... well I could but you would stop reading. So I'm going to do a quick run down on the rest.

Coach Laura Harvey.  Harvey is amazing. She is from England, she has the best accent. its Brilliant! and she is super smart. She is the only woman coach still coaching in the league and only one of three original coaches from the first season. This off season, they even had her coach the us women's under 23 team.  She even has tee shirts with her face on it, because the fans here in Seattle love her so much.

Carson Picket- Shes in her second year with the team. shes from Florida, and she has so much spunk and talent. If you come to the game you will probably spot her for the speed and agility first. But the second thing you are going to notice, when she stops moving is that she was born without a left forearm and hand. But only when she slows down, because usually you will just see a blur speeding past you. Amazingly talented woman, inspiration to not let others or our own perceived obstacles stop us from doing what our heart says we can and should in life.

I'm now going to speed this up a bit with some lumping:
International Super players:
We have two amazing Japanese players-  Naho, and Rumi Utsugi. they have definitely added to the diversity our fan base, and I love it.  They don't speak much English, but are very nice during autograph signing. and they are pretty badass players.

We have a great Scot!!! We used to have two Scottish players, but now we only have one. But she is super cool, and you may get to hear her accent if you head down to the fan zone after the game. Rachel Corsie plays on the Scottish national team.

If you LOVE Kiwi's (not the fruit) We Have one! Rebekah Stott. I haven't got to meet her yet, but I want to. because my brother served his mission in New Zealand, so maybe he would think I'm cool.

Utah folk- We got one! Elli Reed is from Utah. and she is super cool, super nice, and super doing the 5 k with me tomorrow. me and everyone else.

Rookies:  Our rookies are awesome. they just got drafted from college, and immediately came onto the team, started, and scored some goals. Kristen McNabb,  and Katie Johnson, I haven't met them yet, but I am excited to see what they do. they are off to a great start.

Now, we've gotten this far and I haven't mentioned Beverly Yanez or Lu Barnes. Yanez and Barnes are probably the nicest people  I have ever met. I got to talk to them a lot last year when I was with my Kuwaiti friend. They also incredible at the soccer, but since I'm not writing this for soccer fans, I'm just gonna say, that meeting Bev Yanez and Lauren Barnes is probably the best thing that can happen to you if you are having a bad night and want to have hope restored in the goodness of humanity.

Merit Mathias. Merit is a baddass.  That's how I feel about Merit. she's pretty aggressive on the field, in my opinion. Also she got hit really hard a week ago in a game and had an instant massive goose egg, and then just laughed at it as she came off the field to get checked for a concussion.

Kiersten Dallstream, and Christine Nairn. I don't know them yet. I have seen them play, they are good. but I haven't had a chance to meet them.

I'm a little shy, and my friend has gone back to Kuwait. So, I have an extra ticket for all of the home games this season. I need a soccer buddy. Even if its someone that "isn't into soccer"  I've gone to a lot of games with people that aren't into soccer.  If you go with me to a Reign game, just like them you will want to come back for one more. They are really exciting action packed games, no diving like the men. Even if you don't know what is going on, it will hold your interest, and if you do know what is going on, you will be impressed with the skill level. AMAZING.

 I would like to meet Nairn and Dallstream, and Stott. Will you join me? Will you be my soccer buddy? I will explain all the rules to you when you ask, and I will admit honestly when I wasn't paying attention and missed something (this happens sometimes, and will help you feel less alone when you don't know why everyone is suddenly booing the ref. I don't know either, I was posting that last goal on Facebook).

And you may not leave the stand feeling like the worlds greatest soccer fan, but the great thing about the Reign games, vs the Sounders is that its smaller, and you don't have to stand for 90 mins. you can sit the whole time if you want and no one is blocking your view. you can sit on the front row, even with my tickets, which weren't very expensive. you can get really good meat pies or tacos from the food trucks. the tacos are only $2  a taco.  They are the best taco's I have ever had.  And, you may even get a sun tan. Its a great way to get vitamin D.  Mostly, you will get to spend a lot of time with me, and these wonderful women.

And that's not all... If I may appeal to the feminists in the crowd... If you want to resist the current administration and their attacks on women, showing up and supporting the local women's team is an excellent form of resistance. ;)

Any way, I may or may not have won  you over  I hope you have at least gotten to know a few of my favorite amazing women a little better. Even if its not on the pitch, I hope that you will find them and their stories inspirational.  You can see their games on Lifetime this year.  yes, home of Project Runway does a Saturday NWSL game of the week.  And if you don't have cable, you can watch the other games on www.Go90.com  and you are always welcome to come to my house for away games. I will feed you.

Tomorrow I will be walking the 5k for the water charity with some of the team. If the opportunity arises, I will take pictures and post them, so you can see who these lovely ladies are.  They are very special to me. they give me my inspiration fuel when humanity and politics make it run low, and that happens a lot these days. They fill my bucket with Reign power.

Time For A 5k

In two days time, my friend Diana the Most Awesome  (I just gave her a title, because she is, and deserves it) and I will be heading to seattle on a ferry, then doing a warm up walk to west lake mall. I'm assuming we will want to take the monorail, so as to not over do it before the race.

The Monorail (I cannot say this without picturing Homer Simpson driving it) will take us to the space needle. We will register, and then take a container for water over to the fountain, fill it with a gallon of water, and prepare to walk a 5 k with it around the space needle area.

As much fun as I think 5 ks  are, I hate running, so I'm happy this one is a walk. What makes me a little nervous is that I will be doing this walk carrying a gallon of water.

The walk is for a charity, Water 1st international. And our  whole registration fee will be going to the charity. So that's really cool.

As someone who has ran a charity drive, one thing I love about this walk is the reason we are carrying a gallon of water. This charity helps small communities in certain poor areas of the world be able to get clean water near to them.

This helps less people die from  bad water, and allows girls to go to school instead of walking and fetching water all day. What I love about the 5 k carrying water, is that it is an opportunity to not just send some money their way, but to gain empathy for a small part of what those people might go through.

I'm a bit nervous because my plantar faciatis has started to flair up in the past week, and so I may have to back out on carrying water and just walk. However, I really want to carry the water, so I've been very good about icing and all the things this week, and it has gotten better.

If anyone wants to join me and Diana, you can do a virtual walk if you can't make it or don't live in the  seattle area, or you can sign up and join us even on the day.

Or... You can sort of sponsor my walk, and just send a donation to the charity if you desire. I don't have Diana's link, but here is my page for the event
https://my.water1st.org/fundraise?fcid=972175
Or, one of my favorite co workers, who has done the walk before, is going to come cheer us on from the sidelines with her cute little dog. I also appreciate that, and the friend in Arizona that is cheering me on via Facebook messenger.

Any way, we will be walking with the Seattle Reign pro women's soccer team, and it should be fun. I will write a follow up blog to let you all know how it goes, pictures and all. 

Happy Friday!

Dear Ellen, Thank You

Dear Ellen,

I wanted to write you a blog post this weekend, and thank you for the Puppy Episode, 20 years ago. I know it's extremely unlikely that you will ever read this post, but I've delayed until the last minute writing it this weekend because I felt you deserved perfection in my words.

At some point this evening, I gave up on perfection, because I figured it was better to write something imperfect than to never write anything expressing my gratitude at all.

Since your sitcom about Ellen Morgan ran 3 seasons, I'm guessing I was about 12 when my mom and I started watching the show. I loved the show. I loved the time I spent watching it with my mom. And I loved Ellen Morgan. I related to her a lot, and I loved her fashon  sense.  By the way, Ellen Degeneres, I love your fashon sense even more. You are my style icon, or whatever. I love it!

Any way, I don't know what night the show was on, and I'm not going to look it up, because it would ruin my memory of it. And my memory of it, says it was on Thursday nights. Memory is very unreliable, even if you have a good one, so I'm not placing any bets on that being correct.

But Friday, friday was 20 years since the episode where your character came out. I was 15. I have never forgot that night, because  it made me feel so many things, excited, happy, outed a bit myself because I related so much to the character, and mostly just very secretly glad it happened.

As a young devout Mormon teenager, I don't know what would have happened if me and my mom would have been able to have a conversation about the show that night, or even if it hadn't been the last time we watched it together. That was a sad moment to me, because until I was 30 that was the last episode I saw.  Having now seen the other episodes, I think those could have been helpful for me and my mom to watch together, helpful for our future.

I had many confusing years ahead. Maybe now Kristen Stewart can say it's not confusing if your bisexual, but I found it confusing for a very long time. But there were a lot of complicated reasons for that.

Any way, in my early 30s, going to counseling and finally coming out, I went back and watched The Puppy Episode, and all the episodes after it, and it was a big deal for me. It was a gift I had waited 15 years  finally recieve. It meant the world to have a character I related to on some level as a 15 year old, and it meant even more to me, and I related even more as a 30 year old.

I love your daytime show, I love dory, I love your books, but I will always be most greatful for The Puppy episode, and all the episodes that followed it.

Thanks again for all the crap you went through to bring it to the world, and happy 20th anniversary of the episode.

Your random blog writing fan,
Mandi

Community

"The worst fear you can have is losing your faith, because then you are not accepted by anyone. Not by those that consider themselves secular, or by people of your own faith... ever since we could  remember, our religion has defined every single action we have taken. If one day I lose my faith it would be like dying and having to start new again in a world without guarantees."
- Reading Lolita in Tehran

When I read that quote from RLT, I had to pause and read it again. I was shocked at how in that one instance, people in a bool, who's experience I hadn't really connected to, summed up one of the most frightening feelings of my life.

Having grown up in the LDS church, and in Utah I learned and earned most of my socialization from and at church and church activities. One of my greatest fears when on my way out of the church was that probably, even living in Washington state, 99% of my friends and social activities were at or from church, and I wasn't sure I knew  how to really socialize  outside that context. I didn't know where I would find community, or who I would turn to when I needed help, or life was too much for me, or where I could go that people would understand my experiences having been so dedicated to the LDS Faith all my life and then leaving it.

I have non lds co workers, who are great people, mostly christians, but I've always had to explain my Mormon culture to them. So even though I knew I would have their support, it still felt like it would be too lonely of a proposition to walk away.

But, I had a friend tell me about a local group that met, for former and unorthodox Mormons. This was when I was still active and believing. It was wonderful  to have a place to talk about experiences and frustrations and issues and not be judged. My issues were not the same as their issues, and their issues, in many cases never became my issues. But it was a community, a community that understood, that helped eachother when needed, that helped people move, and brought meals when someone was sick, or sad.

It was a framework of community that reflected my culture growing up. And as I left the church, they were my safety net of unconditional love when the fear of fall out from family and friends terrified me. And sometimes those fears came true and friends were lost, and family relationships wounded. And people that understood were there for me.

It made all the difference in the world, as the uncertainty and newness of life unfolded before me. It's hard to grapple with belief and loss of some beliefs, and figuring out what you truly believe, and losing some of the certainty of things you always believed before.  But having this group of friends gave me a secure base to explore my new world. And that security gave me confidence to be brave and bold and press forward.

As many of us moved forward in our journey, we helped eachother also find answers to questions like "how do I find opportunities to do service in the greater community and world without the church or ward organizing it for me?"

As people in our group asked this question opportunities showed up, and with the support of eachother, we jumped right in, sometimes organizing our own personal projects to help make the world nicer for everyone to live in.

Because I have this group, this community, I also felt confident to start volunteering with my soccer team, and pride and queer organizations, and other personal interests not related to the religion I grew up in. And it's been wonderful for me to be able to have time to be involved in things I am passionate about.

So, I guess the point of this post is to first express my gratitude to that group for making that transition so much less scary, and for providing a safe base for me to explore the world from. And the second point of this blog, is that if anyone else is in that position, where that quote resonates with you, where you are afraid of losing your tribe because you are questioning your faith...
Know that there is a tribe of questioners that stay in the faith, and you can find them too. And there is a tribe for questioners that leave the faith, and there is a tribe for all the questioners everywhere in between.

It is overwhelming have a faith transition, or a faith crisis. It is sometimes very scary, and very overwhelming. But you are not alone, and you will not be left community-less,  there is a community for people just like you. 

If you dont live near me and are wondering how to find like minded folk, try this website. http://www.mormonspectrum.org/

Thanks again to  my friends who have been there for me, in and out of the church, and everything in between.

Trolling vs Engaging When Disagreeing On Social Media

Earlier today, I posted this on my Facebook.

"FYI, I no longer engage trolls. So if you choose to troll my posts, I will chose to delete trolling comments. I will keep disagreeing comments that show a willingness to engage in thoughtful, empathetic conversation. If your disagreement doesn't meet that standard, it will promptly disappear from my wall/posts."

I also promised to follow this up with acceptable, and unacceptable examples. I want it understood, that I'm not trying to shut down anyone disagreeing with me on social media. I am setting a boundary for what type of disagreement I will allow.

I don't like fighting with people, especially people I know and love.  Things can get heated, personal, and end friendships in situations like this, and that is what I want to avoid.

What I don't want to avoid is thoughtful, empathetic engagement with other view points. I don't believe Facebook is the best space for that to happen, because most situations quickly loose their thoughtfulness.

I also, don't post things on facebook for anyone's benefit but my own. So wether or not you particularly agree with something I post, I don't think is generally my business, unless you want to be in solidarity of agreement with me, or share information that is respectful but broadening of my viewpoint.

For example, if I post on Facebook that 'Pizza is the best! And milk chocolate is disgusting!' This is my opinion. It's my wall, I can express that opinion. It's a valid opinion, and I don't feel like I have to defend my opinions to everyone that disagrees with them. I don't need to convince you of my view. I'm telling you what my view is, and you can agree, or disagree and that's fine. If you post a comment it shouldn't be disrespectful or invalidating of my opinion I posted on my wall.

You are free to post an opposite opinion on your wall, and hope I read it and rethink things. You can post a comment on my post in solidarity, or you can engage with me, and try to understand why I feel the way I do, and then perhaps try to change my mind. But before you try to change my mind, you should try to understand my mind.

So examples of what would be trolling my post:
"Pizza is horrible! You are disgusting"
"Milk chocolate is the best! What is wrong with you?"
"You're wrong! Milk chocolate isn't disgusting!!"

When stating disagreement online, we have to think first about why are we disagreeing.

1) we think the person is misinformed, and with the right information will come to your side, or at least move to a more middle ground

2) we have set up an us vs them situation in our head, and the fact that someone you love has posted something that you disagree with makes you feel betrayed, because they are not on your team

3) because you like to argue with people

4) because you want to create empathy for people with a different experience or opinion in life. (For instance if I also posted that people that love milk chocolate are less healthy  and less intelligent than people that prefers dark chocolate)

So... If you are a #3 person, I'm gonna delete your comments. That's all. 

If you are a #2, you can engage thoughtfully  and not get comments deleted by saying something along these lines and engaging.

"Really? You don't like milk chocolate? This makes me a little sad, because milk chocolate is my favorite. It's a big part of  what brings me joy  in life. Did you have a bad experience? How does milk chocolate taste to you, that would cause you not to enjoy it?"
     
       See what has happened here? You have engaged me. You have said your feelings, and why it's important to you, but you have opened a dialog to find out why I feel as I do, and also learn a bit more about me. Upon questioning me, you find that I struggle with the waxy  and overly sugared taste of milk chocolate mostly occurring in the United States, but I will still eat a Snickers or a Twix, or European milk chocolate on occasion. I just like the bitter and more intruginge flavors of dark chocolate more. I don't like sugar as much as you do, but we have some common ground, and have gained empathy for eachother view points, broke down the us vs them mentality, and actually strengthened our friendship.

Actually, this example works for reasons 1 and 4 as well.  If you think I am wrong in not liking milk chocolate, then you need to find out why I don't like it before you can ever hope to change my mind. If you find out the reason why, and see that it's the waxy sugar thing, but that's what you love about it, then  we will never agree, but hopefully, because we engaged in thoughtful and empathetic conversation, we can appreciate our differences as part of the spice and diversity of life. 

If you can't accept that I don't like that flavor and taste, and continue to try to force me to enjoy the same taste you do, it becomes trolling again, your comment gets deleted  and the conversation ends, with a bad taste in both our mouths, so it may have been best just to hide my post, vent to a fellow milk chocolate lover, think I'm strange. And let it go.

Two other important senarios:

5-  you are a good friend, teasing and joking with me.  In this instance, please follow with a winky emoji ;) so I know your tone is that of a sibling, and you are just having some fun.

6- if in my comments I have said something that is ignorant and hurtful to a group of people that I am not a part of.

In which case, please comment publicly with kindness, and in a way that helps me generate empathy. For example

"Generalizing about the health  of people that like milk chocolate is very hurtful. Some very healthy people also enjoy milk chocolate. Some people who are not in good health also enjoy milk chocolate, it brings joy to their life. Other people eat milk chocolate because of stress and things like that, and heaping shame on them makes their burden heavier.

(Right here is where most people calling people out go wrong- tell me something I can do to improve my comments, don't just rip them apart and say I am hurting people and I'm an insensitive jerk)

...  It would be helpful if  you could not make broad generalizations about people's health. I know you weren't trying to be hurtful, but this could have a real negative impact on someone in a very personal way, and i would just like you to consider how you would feel if you were them when posting.

Or something like that. Obviously, I'm illustratating this with things that are not very serious, and that probably wouldn't actually spark controversy. I chose this instead of something more decisive like political things, or the actual cause of this post - the United Airlines thing (I got multiple comments saying "you're wrong" or "this article is wrong!") Because I wanted to illustrate with things that aren't going to already have people up in arms just by the example.

I hope this had been informative and helpful to understanding my new rules and requirements for engaging disagreements on social media- primarily Facebook. I am not perfect in this myself, and I have accidently become a troll at times as well. Which makes me feel yucky after.

So let's just all try to improve in our engagement. I will be deleting posts that I feel are flaming, or trolling, or trying to incite contention, whether it was intended or not. I'm not going to sit back and watch things spiral out of control any more, it causes me too much anxiety.

The Rumor Mill

Hello,

From time to time, I am  going to write blog posts addressing things concerning my leaving the LDS faith, and how I feel as an "ExMo."  I write these to address things that are getting back to me as misinterpretations of my experience by friends and family. I recognize that the people that most need to understand the things I am writing here, will never read it. 

However, conversations with those people reveal that the rumor mill is alive and active about me, and so, if you the reader could, put these facts into that mill, so hopefully it will disseminate to those needing clarification (my friends, and my family), that do not actually desire to discuss it with me directly. I will not be writing anything here that will be demeaning to anyone's faith, or put down the church. I am simply clarifying some things that keep coming up in regards to my choices personally.  Thank you for your assistance with this matter.

So, earlier this week, a friend of mine texted me that she was glad that my engagement had fallen through, because she hoped it would mean I would come back to the church. That sparked this blog.

The fallacy that my friends hope is operating on is a common misunderstanding perpetuated frequently by talks and other things by high up LDS leadership. That being that people are leaving the church so that they can "Sin"  Anyone who has had a real conversation with people who have left the church would understand that this is generally not true.

 Most people, do not leave the church so that they can "sin."  Rather, they leave the church generally because of getting a different answer  on truth claims, history,or doctrine,  of the church that they feel they can not morally stand behind in honesty any more, and thus must go their separate way.  The social,and familial repercussions most people who leave the church face are deep enough that nothing so shallow as "wanting to sin"  would be reason enough to face that pain and rejection.

There is also a persistent fallacy that people leave the church because they were offended by the imperfect body of saints that are members of the church. i.e. a local leader, people in their ward or stake.   I have yet to meet anyone that left the church because they were offended by local congregants. I have seen people go inactive sometimes for that reason, in connection with bigger more serious doubts as to church teachings, but never in isolation to   "so and so offended me, so I am done"

 More often, if people are offended by a person in the church its coming from the top, things that the highest leaders are teaching,  that we can recognize are being followed by local congregants. That doesn't mean we've never been hurt or offended by local leaders and church members, but in general, its not someones biggest or only reason for leaving the church. So often when we hear "the church is perfect but the members are not, will you please come back now?"  the response you may get is, "Well actually I love my local member friends deeply they weren't my problem, the church was"  The general consensus is that Mormons are very nice people for the most part, that do a lot of really great and wonderful things in their community and outside of it.

For me personally, I will take this moment to clarify, that I didn't leave the church because someone locally offended me.  Yes, I had some hurtful interactions, before, during, and since leaving, but I also still deeply love and appreciate my LDS friends, and have had just as many if not more wonderful experiences interacting with them.

I also didn't leave the church to be in a relationships with a woman. I didn't leave the  church to marry a woman. I actually started dating women long before I left the church, and I felt right with that before God, as we had dialoged much about it in prayer. I wouldnt have ever dated a woman, if i believed it was wrong. I started dating women, because I disnt believe it was wrong, and i knew it would work better for me than continuing to date men i couldnt be in an honest and reciprocoI loving relationship with.

I recognized that I probably would eventually be excommunicated because of that and church policy, but  even with the November 5th policy, that wouldn't have changed anything for me.  What did change for me was the policy's lines about children of same sex married couples. Ultimately i chose to leave the church rather than be excomunicated, to take ownership of my own moral convictions and beliefs.

  For me, the policy drew a hard line in the sand, where after much thought and prayer I just realized that my beliefs and the churches beliefs on this matter were irreconcilable and i was no longer at a point that I could ignore that and pretend other wise after a life time of trying.  I had to be true to what I truly felt and believed and respectfully go my own way.

Upon this decision, I spend some time pondering, What if they are right, and what if I am wrong. And I came to the decision that that doesn't matter to me. I was also done pretending that the Celestial kingdom I had been taught of was any concept of the afterlife I wanted.  In fact, I found it would meet the definition of my personal Hell.  So I was done. and I resigned, even though I knew this would be hard on my family and friends, and myself in many ways, because I had to do what I felt was right and true and the best course for me.  And I love and respect those who stay because they feel it is the best course for them.

 Ultimately if it is true, you can visit me at a lower kingdom if you feel so inclined any way, as I was taught many many times in my life, people from high post earthly kingdoms have the privilege of doing. 

 But I would appreciate it, if anyone thinking that they can friendship me back in the church would stop. I am 99% sure I am not coming back. I leave 1% because i can not ever with complete certainty say that there is nothing that would ever convince me to return, but at this point in life it is extremely unlikely, and I would appreciate it if people would not try to friendship me back into the church. I was an extremely active Mormon, and I can tell when people are doing that, and its very annoying, and your conditions of friendship/love are very transparent to me, and it feels insincere. I have many friends that are my genuine friends, and I can tell they are my genuine friends, and I love them so much for that, and I am sorry to cause them any pain for my exit of the faith. If I could have spared them that pain, I would have loved to.  I mourn with them in that pain, and then we move forward with life.

Next, I would like to just address that  I am incredibly happy now. I like my life, and the opportunity I now have, the freedom I now have to decided for myself what is true, and what i am OK with leaving as a blank space or grey area, and what I don't feel is true at all. I still have a clear morality, and I didn't go crazy upon leaving and not being told what is or isn't right. I like to take the time and think these things out myself, and most of the principles i was taught in my upbringing have stuck. I feel it is very important to be honest, to be kind, to do good, to help others, to keep my body and mind healthy. etc.

Now, I have spoken ad nausem about why I left the church, and the reasons most people who leave the church do not actually have for leaving the church.  I want to address any regrets people may think I might have about my membership.

 As I have spoken to people about this, I have gotten many questions about if I regret my mission, or if I regret the way I was raised, or my time in the church, if I wish I had left sooner.  

Mostly, No.  I do not.  I would love to have not had the pain of internalized homophobia growing up, or being surrounded with negative statements that made me feel I was broken, that i needed to be fixed, or that kept me from connecting to people like my cousin or others of the LGBT community, which would have helped me be less depressed and have less suicide idealation growing up and even into my early thirty's.

I do not regret being a missionary for the LDS church. I loved my mission. there were hard things, and there were good things, and over all I would say I gained wonderful and worth while experience and friendships from it. I don't regret that I taught people, and they were baptized. I think that for those the church works for, it can be an amazingly positive addition to their lives, and give them a wonderful community of some of the nicest people in the world. I would say most, if not all the people I taught that it didn't work for, have since left the church and are happy in life, as are those that it worked for that stayed in.

Mormonism is a part of my culture and world lens. It always will be. I am always grateful for the things that I gained, the confidence I gained as a missionary, from learning public speaking, from ward choirs that taught me how to sing, and read music (kind of), that helped me cultivate talents, and friendships, that taught me to be honest, and to be kind to others, from the many wonderful experiences I gained doing service.

If there is anything I could get back, I probably would like my tithing money back, because most of it doesn't go to the things I would like it to have gone to, and I would like to use that money as I see fit, but i consider it part of the cost of the things I gained, so its fine.

The only grudge, I guess you can say I have against the church, is the unnecessary wall that it creates in my personal relationships with my family and some friends. I think it often takes an extraordinary amount of time and dialog to get past that, and has created some real barriers to a genuine relationship for me as someone outside the church,as a former member, with some inside the church.

 I think a lot of this comes from fear that I, or people like me, will try to pull you away from your faith, or bring you down. I have no desire to do that.  For the most part, people who have experienced a faith crisis and then change, have no desire to inflict that pain on anyone else. It is at times, when you are in that crisis, quite painful to confront all these feelings and conflicts with your beliefs and what you have spent your whole life believing.  

Its not my place to put you through that. It would be nice if no one ever had to go through that,  but I am glad I did because it helped me to grow immensely as a person, and has brought me out the other side to a place of deep joy, peace, and confidence in my self and humanity in a broader sense with or without religion in individuals lives.  If someone is going through that, I am willing to support them through it, even if the come to a different conclusion at the end of it than I.

ultimately I still deeply believe in the article of faith that states basically that "we claim the privilege of worshiping God (or not) according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men (women, and other genders) the same privilege let them worship how, where or what they may"

And I will leave it at that. I think that answers most of the questions that have come up recently. If you have any more, please send them my way.

Tale As Old As Time: My Thoughts On Beauty and the Beast (spoiler alert)

*This blog post will feature numerous spoilers for the Live Action Beauty and the Beast Film, please do not read it if you do not want spoilers and have not seen the film*

 I loved the new live action Beauty and the Beast.  Though not perfect, I enjoyed it a lot.  I especially enjoyed the music and have been listening to the soundtrack pretty much non stop.  This has got me thinking   (sings) "A dangerous past time I know" 

http://time.com/4715468/beauty-and-the-beast-time-loop-theory/

A few things have become apparent to me, perhaps with the help of this fan theory about a time loop that connected the dots for me a little more. 

so, first thing I realized is that Gaston is kind of a shadow figure of the Beast.  Because of the back story we got on the Beast and how the curse came about, its quite clear that the qualities that got him and his castle, and town cursed were quite similar to the qualities held by Gaston. Cruelness, vanity, shallow obsession with looks, complete lack of concern for anyone else.  The reasons he became this way, and that he could be redeemed were made clear in the film. With Gaston, he is a two dimensional caricature of only the beasts worst qualities, and with no real hope of redemption. Thus it is the thing that actually brakes the curse isn't directly that the beast truly loves belle, and bell truly loves him back, it is more that because  he loved belle, and she came back for him his hart was changed and rather than fighting with Gaston, and showing that cruelness etc in his actions, he shows compassion, and walks away from the fight. Gaston dies because of his own choices, and in no way at the Beasts hand.  The Beast is killed by Gaston, but is redeemed by the enchantress after walking away from a symbolic/literal  representation of the worst parts of his former self - Gaston.  I think that's an important thing to realized, but not the big thing.

So The big thing came about because I was thinking about how horrible it is that the Village and all the servants in the castle were cursed because of the choices and actions of their ruler, the Prince, the Beast.  This is horribly unfair of the enchantress, and just didn't seem right to me. As the film progresses the Beast is truly sorry for bringing this curse on others, but is trapped by his shame and guilt in a way that didn't allow him to break out of it, until someone from outside that curse came in and stood up to him.  

So my thoughts initially on why the servants were cursed (at this point I hadn't considered the villagers), were that it was because they did nothing to stand up to the Prince and correct his ways, they let him get away with the horrible things he did. However it struck me that this is not an equal relationship, so its not fair to expect those servants to risk their own safety and jobs and well beings and that of their families to stand up to this powerful man. Nor would it have done any good. They would have been worse off, and the Prince/ Beast unchanged.

 Then a thought hit me... throughout history we can look at example after example and see the same thing. When a tyrant reigns, when cruel and compassion-less people are in charge  the entirety of the people under their charge suffer. Now, this plays into the time loop theory, because under oppressive rulers the marginalized, the people that are different (belle and her father for instance) suffer the most, but everyone suffers.  Stuck in that time loop, we do not move forward, we do not advance. We are all trapped, until love can set us free.  

Also, under cruel leaders, people become more cruel. As with Gaston and the mob, the people were content to let bell and her father be locked up unjustly so they could go "kill the beast" some creature they knew nothing about, except for the lies that Gaston told them, based off pure imagination and his desire for the kill. This happens in real society, often tyrannical leaders scapegoat some group or type of people and go for blood. What Gaston really wanted was power, and control, and his fight,his trophy, his chance to defeat the Beast, in a way another type of himself, at least earlier in the story.   

Ultimately  the servants in the castle  used active and passive resistance, and open defiance  to create the opportunities that put belle and the beast in a position to set everyone free from the curse if the Beasts tyrany.

When tyrants reign over us, we are all injured by their actions, we are all cursed. Even if,like the villagers, we have not idea, or awareness that we are so cursed.  And that for me, was the biggest lesson I have gained from this film. 

Other things I noticed that I had a problem with, are that not only in this film and the animated series, but in most English and American films, we do not represent people from their country or culture with actors from that country or culture, but with Americans or English actors. Even though its set in France, only one character even has a french accent, Lumiere, and he is played by a British actor. Why couldn't we have had French actors?  I think it would have been better if we had done this from the start. The reason I am OK to look the other way this time is 1) I loved Emma Watson as belle, mainly because I love Emma Watson. 2) If Mrs. Potts hadn't had a cockney accent, a part of my childhood would have felt super offended. 

I hope in Mulan, they will actually cast Chinese actors. This problem needs to be fixed. 

Any way, those are my deep thoughts on Beauty and the Beast.  

I Live My Life For You

As I walked out of my office building, and towards the ferry two women walked passed me, linked arm to arm. As I passed them, one slid her hand down into the hand of the other, and fingers intertwined walked lovingly on.

I smiled as I walked away from them, towards the ferry.

 In that moment hundreds of thoughts, memories and realizations hit me all at once. That I was happy, and empowered, not burdened by their tender public show of affection struck me immediately. I remembered first having a hand of my own to hold like that. And, I felt certain in that moment I would have one again.

I also remembered how in years past when I would see lady couples holding hands I felt both excited and scared about it, incredibly jealous, and terribly lonely. I remember seeing women together and thinking 'That's so great, I wish I could have that, but I know I can't.' And the weight of it as I walked away was one of the heaviest things I've ever carried in life.

I realized in this later happy day, that it was February, and I should have been planning a wedding now, but I'm not. And I was strangely not sad about that. I was grateful for the experience of having had my ex in my life, all the beauty and love she had added. I'm grateful that she was the first woman to hold my hand and I'm grateful that we are still friends and I'm grateful that I don't have to feel that hopelessness and isolation ever again, of wanting  love and companionship  in my life so desperately, but feeling like I would have to accept a version of it that  was false to me, not just for now, but forever. I don't know if you can understand how that feels unless you live it.

I've heard from many Mormon and some other Christians, something along the lines of this "Well, there are single straight people, and they have to be celibate too" 

What this phrase fails to comprehend  is that feeling I used to struggle with, hopelessness of feeling like authentic romantic relationships were never going to be allowed for your authentic self.

And that's the best I can do to describe that for you. I have no idea if that is good enough, but my straight single friends always at least had some degree of hope that they could meet someone, fall in love and if not in this life, in the eternities. For me to have that, my only hope was that I, in my authentic form would cease to exist.

Now, that's a bit of a downer. And thankfully over time I came to feel that that idea was completely wrong for me. I let it go.

 Mostly, I quit living my life for everyone else, and I started to listen to what my heart said was true. I am worthy of love, I am worthy of happiness, I as my authentic self am worthy of whole and authentic relationships. And I have a lot more to offer the world now than I ever did before.

The perilous house of cards I had set up in my earlier life crumbled. Before I had always to guard it from any and every wind. And life always felt so on edge and dangerous. But as they do, houses of cards always crumble. And in it's place my true home is being built, on the foundation of authenticity, love, and honesty.

So, scarred and tormented younger self, I live my life for you, fully, completely, authentically, and joyfully.

No more pain, only joy  at the sight of two women in love.

Of Waves of Sound And Silence

"Hello darkness, my old friend,I've come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,Left its seeds while I was sleeping,

And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone,

'Neath the halo of a street lamp,

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dared Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools" said I, "You do not know, silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you,

Take my arms that I might reach you"

But my words like silent raindrops fell,

And echoed

In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made And the sign flashed out its warning,

In the words that it was forming

And the signs said,

"The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls And whisper'd in the sounds of silence"

-The Sound of Silence, written by Paul Simon, cover performed by Disturbed.

I have been thinking a lot in the past few days, both of the beauty and power of silence, and its pain. In weeks past, I often felt alone, Isolated in my feelings, and experiences.  Darkness encompassed me again, as a nation, a world, friends, family were talking passed each other, ridiculing, and not listening.  Hopelessness grew. But more cutting  than words and digs, can be silence.   I thought back to just about 5, 6 months ago when I got engaged.  Yes, it hurt to have a person verbally attack me.  But far worse than that was the silence from some closest to me when I was engaged,  And the hollowness of the returning noise when that engagement ended.   I have not forgot that silence. Phone calls ended suddenly at the mention of a name, because of gender alone. Phone calls suddenly abundant because it was over. 

 I know the message that was intended (change, conform for us), but the silence is not forgotten and what it really told me was  who I cannot trust, and who I can.

"We will remember, not the words of our

 enemies, but the silence of our friends"

 -Seattle Women's march Speaker

 As I heard those sounds spoken, I knew what this woman meant, and I remembered it, and I realized that that is what is cutting the deepest, for me during this time. Its not that my friends and I have and are expressing different political views, Its the silence that comes when regardless of your views, we  ought to stand up for fellow humans that are being treated poorly, but for some reason we don't.

 "We can disagree, and still love each other, unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist"

We other, we read these words and we think "yeah, those guys aught to knock it off."  instead of taking a moment and hearing what they are saying. I'm guilty of that. I've done it. I did it just the other day. My friends had a valid complaint, and rather than hearing them I was about to say, "yeah but...." and then I paused,  I waited a day, and I came back, and I asked .... "what can we do to do this better?  to meet both our needs how can we come together on this?"

 And I don't know that I would normally do that.  But to be honest, another moment of silence changed my heart, and my fear and my loneliness and added some kindness and compassion. A lot of people have asked me what that march I went to was about. Why did I go?  Some of my friends were asked why they went when it wouldn't change anything. I can't speak for them, but I will speak for me. I went because I was feeling helpless and silenced, and voiceless. So I went to claim my voice.  And what I found was Zion. 

I found people, not just women. Old, young, black, white, Asian, Muslim,Christian, Atheist, Scientist, Disabled, Queer, Straight, Able bodied, Trans, Cis, all coming together to stand up for each other, imperfectly, but doing it all the same. Next time, perhaps we can be even more inclusive. I think the power I felt at this came directly from how inclusive it was, so if say we made more trans inclusive sinage or maybe didn't make disparaging remarks about peoples bodies to make our point (tiny hands signs im talking to you) we could get our message accross better. 

We marched, more than 10,000. 175,000. 3 Million. More. Seattle, St. George, London, Africa, Asia, Alabama.  We marched together.  And I can only speak to my experience, in one small corner of Seattle, where we marched, mostly silent, but powerfully. Police our friends, not postured to attack us, but to protect our free speech ( I will tell you this does make a difference in helping it be non violent, and there are difficult reasons to hear why they were being supports for us, but are not always for others).

The most powerful things of the day were speakers asking people to be mindful, don't step in front of those we are marching for as allies (we were all each others allies) let them lead, lets amplify each others voices.  Not to litter, because we were also standing up for the earth.  People were courteous and kind, polite.  we stopped for the disabled, we helped them. We weren't impatient with the person in front of us, even though we got tired, and hungry and sore.  at one point I needed to pee. I only saw 4 port-a-potties, the line was sooo long. but no one complained, no one pushed. They were the cleanest I have ever seen, despite being probably also the fullest. 

 And as we marched forward, in mostly quiet, waves of sound would travel occasionally forward  from behind us. You could feel that sound wave piercing, Whispered, if you will, in the sound of silence. We felt the vibration of it long before the vocal wave reached us and we joined in, to watch it travel on. POWERFUL. just a Woooooo! 

The things I gained from Saturday was the knowledge I am not alone. There are people, complete strangers even, that will stand up for me, that will stand beside me. I learned how powerful we are when we stand together, for the rights of people that are different than us. I learned that sometimes you have to give your self self care and recover, and sometimes you have to fight on, and neither one is anything to be ashamed of. I learned that if we are going to stand up for each other in these moments, we must plan and prepare for it, or we will cower and falter in adversity. I learned the positive power of sounds, and of silence, and that both are important, and both must be used, to lift, not to shame. not to beat down, but to stand up for the down beaten.  

 I have frequently thought recently, this country should probably just get a divorce, because we have some irreconcilable differences, and we may have, I'm still not sure.  

But I do know that people that are willing to stand up for each other are all over this country in the smallest towns and the largest towns.  They are republican, they are democrat, they are  independents.They are the people that realize we don't build a great America without everyone.. gay, straight, Muslim, christian, atheist, scientist, black, white, able bodied, disabled, mentally ill, "normal"   those willing to allow others to be thrown under the bus out of fear of what they will loose if women are payed equally with men in their same positions, or if some moms choose to stay at home... fail to see that all this diversity is what leads to forward movement, to progress, to invention. 

I recently discussed in a book group (haven't got to read the book yet) The Professor and the Mad Man. It is a book about a man in an asylum (mental)  who during the Victorian era was schizophrenic, and had committed a murder in what he thought self defense because  of his delusions. And felt bad about what had happened, and had others reach out to the widow to bring her support. He had been a doctor before this, and was a very intelligent man.  She reached out back and brought him books to read in the asylum. In one of the books was a pamphlet asking for help with the Oxford English dictionary. Without this man's help, we wouldn't have had the wonderful dictionary that came of his efforts, and other peoples compassion. His contribution was extraordinary. 

All people have worth. All people have value.  Not all Ideas have worth and value, but all people do. and more important than hearing each others words, are hearing each others lived experiences.  So we can have empathy, So we can start to march together, even though you may be here for one thing, and I am here for something else. I will speak up for you. will you please also speak up for me?  and for my friend over there?

As I marched with my friend, I said to her "If people could just be like this every day, we WOULD change the world"  

  I will end with the words of another march speaker

"Help us love, even those that hate us, 

so we  can change the world"

 -women's March, Seattle