The many reactions of the married to the single.

 So, Lately I have been thinking and observing a certain pattern around me, of how married people react to single people. This is not, as you would think, a reaction limited to people in the LDS church, but extends far beyond that, even to professed atheists.  What I am about to say is a generalization, it is my observation only. it is not about everyone and every circumstance. It may offend some of you, but is not intended to be such. if you have something to add please comment. I would love to have many perspectives available for better understanding of the general public.

My observation is as follows: Widows are given sympathy and pity ( not that everyone always wants to be pitied, and honestly yes that would suck, but you did at least get to experience some time being married, that ended most likely with both of you still loving each other to some degree or other, so as trying as that is, that is one positive the rest in this blog dont' get.) I have a few friends that are widows, i do not envy their circumstance, and yes it is validly trying for them, especially if they have kids, so this isn't meant to take away from that. Just sayin.

Next you have the Divorced. My divorced family and friends have all been though variations on Hell with that one, it is not a thing to be envied obviously. The general observed reaction to divorced people I have found to be one of two things, either Pity and sympathy, or out right harsh judgement. I think its a lot more complicated that that people.

So lastly, you have my category, getting up their in years, and still not married, and never been married. I have talked to many who experienced the same as me, and the parents of a 40 + year old yesterday who confirmed a similar experience. 

By close friends who are divorced or widowed, I sometimes may get a bit of sympathy in my plight, because they took the time to know me personally. From prophets and apostles I get council and sympathy, as they seem aware of the struggle for women of my generation finding good men to marry. From my formerly married friends sometimes you get the," well you don't know anything because you were never married" treatment, but for the most part they are cool. But my biggest problem, and this is what i talked about to those parents yesterday, is that people in my marital status- as in NEVER married  tend to get one thing, and only one thing from any one and everyone who doesn't take the time to know our hearts, and that is sharp judgment and criticism.

clearly it is all our fault. "why don't you focus on getting married instead of thinking of flying across the world on adventures like getting a masters degree" i once heard from a family friend. Constantly I am badgered with attempts to make me more "marriageable" to change who I am, to change my appearance, to criticize me for  having standards in the type of person I want to marry.  honestly if you knew my heart at all you would know that this is important to me, yes i do want self improvement, i want to be my best self, but that's just it, I AM ME!! and i want to stay me, and i want to marry someone who loves and respects me for me. you probably wanted the same, so why should I settle for less just because my biological clock is ticking down? I shouldn't, and the prophet agrees with me. at the last general conference we single people were counseled to find someone compatible and worthy and marry in the temple. that is all I am looking for, so I don't think you have a place to tell me my standards are too high when they were set by a prophet of God. Yes we are in a Peter Pan generation, and some do not want to grow up, and they need to, but they need to come to that on their own and through the council of the prophet, that is sufficient.

Parents, family friends etc, often you just deepen wounds with your lack of consideration for what may be in the depths of a single persons heart. Any single person deserves to be treated respectfully, sympathy, not pity, understanding, not judgement. If you need to correct us, do it in love and understanding, not blind judgement.  

I will tell everyone exactly what I am looking for in a spouse right now, if you are a single male and think you could meet those standards, go a head and give me a call, I went to my roommates temple marriage yesterday, and I think it is the most beautiful thing in the world and I would love nothing more than to have that for myself.  four  things 1) Worthy current temple recommend holder 2) Honorable priesthood holder 3) enjoys spending time with me and loves me 4) I enjoy spending time with and love them (aka compatible) this is what I am looking for in a husband, very simply and plainly laid out for everyone.

If you think that standard is to high, I say to you EIK TU SAU IR DINK IS CIA. its Lithuanian, look it up.  all I wish to accomplish by this blog is that the currently married, could be more careful in how they judge and talk to the currently single, and that everyone will be more aware that unless you know a persons heart and are looking through that lens, you will probably get them wrong and judge their circumstance unfairly. that's all I have to say on the matter.  thanks for your time.