I will never forget when I was about 20 years old, and going to Snow College, in Ephraim, UT (GREAT school by the way, I highly recommend it to anyone), there was a 28 year old New Zealander called "Pup" (yes, that was a nick name). Pup was, well, Pup was a hottie by any definition of the word. Brilliant green eyes, muscles upon muscles and that accent! Whoa! yeah. I was way interested in him, but way too young for him. So I tried to set him up with a similarly aged cousin (at least maybe we could get some good genes like that in the family, yeah?). During Said attempted Pup said something to me that I have NEVER forgotten. He said "When you get to be my age, and your not married yet then there is something wrong with you"
To Pups defense, for those of you thinking that is horribly cruel thing to say about yourself or anyone else, when you get to be my age (3 months from 30), and you are still not married, well I think at least subconsciously you have to have thought that about yourself at least once. Now, I just realized I had done this about myself the other night. Usually I remember Pups words when I am starting to go on dates with someone that seems to be interested in me, and I begin to question about the guy- Hold on a minute, you are nearly 30 and not married, why? there has to be a reason, am I missing something that is going to sneak up and bite me in the butt later? I think it is good to be a little cautious, but I don't want this question to make me constantly run away or nit pick myself eternally out of marriage, but I'll be honest, I do ask myself that question about people.
In all fairness, I realized while talking to a friend last night, I do the same thing to myself. So its fair. You see, when I am certain and my friends confirm a guy seems to really like me, I ask why. I mean, I know I am supremely awesome and super talented and all that but why do you like me so much when so many others did not? and then the root question finally comes out- If I am this old and not married, surely you must realize that
there is a reason in fact that I am not married yet? right? well, it sounds harsh, but its true, there is, or in my opinion, was, a reason. I have worked on that reason and feel I am nearly ready now, just lacking the man.
I am an extremely honest and open person, so I will tell you why I am not yet married- I saw too many bad marriages around me growing up. Too many extended relatives in abusive marriages, too many marrying cheaters, and beaters, etc. and on top of it I heard some constant criticisms and people in marriages that have stayed together and are relatively "happy" marriages constantly tell me for as long as I remember that they had made a mistake and wished they never had gotten married to whom they did.
All of this persuaded me that I had better be extremely cautious in choosing someone that I believe I will be married to through out all eternity. I am still cautious, but now it is within reason, and I have come to believe that marriage can be a good and happy thing, and is now something I actually desire, where as until about eight months ago that was very defiantly not the case if I am honest.
What I came to realize talking to my friend last night, was that alot of people ask the same question- why would you be interested in me? is this a game? and also Why are you so old and still not married? With the increasing numbers of us older singles, I think its important we recognize why we are at where we are, but also realize that there is a balance, and no one is perfect. Just some food for thought, on an old thought that keeps returning to my head. Pup, I don't know where you are or where you went, but I still believe there is a lot less wrong with you, than you thought. lots of love to you man, where ever you are.
To Pups defense, for those of you thinking that is horribly cruel thing to say about yourself or anyone else, when you get to be my age (3 months from 30), and you are still not married, well I think at least subconsciously you have to have thought that about yourself at least once. Now, I just realized I had done this about myself the other night. Usually I remember Pups words when I am starting to go on dates with someone that seems to be interested in me, and I begin to question about the guy- Hold on a minute, you are nearly 30 and not married, why? there has to be a reason, am I missing something that is going to sneak up and bite me in the butt later? I think it is good to be a little cautious, but I don't want this question to make me constantly run away or nit pick myself eternally out of marriage, but I'll be honest, I do ask myself that question about people.
In all fairness, I realized while talking to a friend last night, I do the same thing to myself. So its fair. You see, when I am certain and my friends confirm a guy seems to really like me, I ask why. I mean, I know I am supremely awesome and super talented and all that but why do you like me so much when so many others did not? and then the root question finally comes out- If I am this old and not married, surely you must realize that
there is a reason in fact that I am not married yet? right? well, it sounds harsh, but its true, there is, or in my opinion, was, a reason. I have worked on that reason and feel I am nearly ready now, just lacking the man.
I am an extremely honest and open person, so I will tell you why I am not yet married- I saw too many bad marriages around me growing up. Too many extended relatives in abusive marriages, too many marrying cheaters, and beaters, etc. and on top of it I heard some constant criticisms and people in marriages that have stayed together and are relatively "happy" marriages constantly tell me for as long as I remember that they had made a mistake and wished they never had gotten married to whom they did.
All of this persuaded me that I had better be extremely cautious in choosing someone that I believe I will be married to through out all eternity. I am still cautious, but now it is within reason, and I have come to believe that marriage can be a good and happy thing, and is now something I actually desire, where as until about eight months ago that was very defiantly not the case if I am honest.
What I came to realize talking to my friend last night, was that alot of people ask the same question- why would you be interested in me? is this a game? and also Why are you so old and still not married? With the increasing numbers of us older singles, I think its important we recognize why we are at where we are, but also realize that there is a balance, and no one is perfect. Just some food for thought, on an old thought that keeps returning to my head. Pup, I don't know where you are or where you went, but I still believe there is a lot less wrong with you, than you thought. lots of love to you man, where ever you are.
I love your honesty! A couple things went through my mind when I read your post. First, I thought the same thing about myself, "Why would he like me?" It's probably a common question that everyone asks unless you have insanely high self esteem. Second thought is that 28 or 30 is an arbitrary number to put on singles who supposedly have something wrong with them. It's a case by case scenario. Maybe someone was too picky, or too focused on a career, what have you, but maybe that someone hasn't come into your life yet. I really appreciate you sharing the root reason why you've been cautious about marriage. It's very true that people need to be cautious about whom they marry. It's better to be happy and single than unhappy and married. You've also seen the reality of marriage. There is too much romanticism that goes into marriage (especially in Utah) and it doesn't prepare you for what I call a rose garden, it is pretty but there are lots of thorns.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I do miss my days at Snow, too! They were so fun, the learning environment was great, and the people were fantastic.
Don't let yourself get sucked into that trap. I have a book for you to read. It's called "If the Buddah Dated" by Charlotte Kasl. I have a copy that I can loan you if we ever see each other again so I can give it to you :) Love you!
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