So, as I was just chatting with my roommate, I realized something, the truth. The truth is that yes, sometimes I am frustrated with people, and sometimes I push people away. I have been pushing a lot of people away since December. I have been mean, and I have had a horrible negative attitude. I want to start fights with everyone, especially people I feel could in any way hurt me.
So why have I been doing this? I made so many changes last year, and I became such a happy person, without walls, I was virtually unstoppable. I wanted to date, and I wanted to get married and have a family for reals, probably for the first time in my life. I felt closer to God than ever before, and I had unstoppable faith.
I am not really proud of who I have been in the past couple of months, or the things I said earlier tonight. I apologize to those that read them
What happened? well I have written a little about it via my fairy tale, but not really. I quit writing for a while. In fact, I lost all desire to write or work on any of my previous works- my short story that could have been published months ago, my novel. I secretly am kind of angry at people that are happy couples right now. I try to be happy for them ,but I am kind of angry. I have been mean to my friends, and I try but just can't get the gospel to stick to my life more than just a few hours after listening to an inspirational program, or reading my scriptures.
On more than one occasion I have said to myself "man, you really need an attitude adjustment girl" I have had loving concerned friends who have lovingly told me to grow up, to which I replied "I hate you, I love you, thanks for doing that, but I hate you because you are right and I deserve that." I try to force myself to move on, but I am kind of bogged down.
December happened. The guy from the first date story, he really won my heart. I opened up to him like I have never opened my heart to him like I have never done before. He went to Reno, first he said just for a month, and then it became two, then three, then he got a job there and stopped talking to me for a bit, then he tried to talk to me again after three weeks of no word and it was too late.
All those walls I worked so hard to demolish last year, well a good portion of them went back up in an instance. I try to take them down ,but I just didn't know how. So I threw up walls, I was mean, and I pushed people away. I knew I was becoming something I didn't want to be so I just put up more walls, more attitude, more hate.
Honestly, I don't know what to do from here. I could go on and on about this friend or that but none of it matters, I have really good friends that love and care about me, I have family that love and care about me, but I feel like I have been trapped in a dark cave and I am just stuck. I pretend I am not there, but I am. I want to love again, I want to trust again, but I am so scared. Even my friends I know I should trust, I haven't been. I seem to be all confidence at times, but honestly my confidence is quite shaken. My roommate is trying to get me to sit down and write a list of what I am looking for in a spouse, but I don't want to, because I am too afraid, and I don't want to think about it. I don't even want to believe that I will ever get married, because it is easier than admitting that I was really hurt, and trying to take a chance again. I don't know, maybe now that I have said this, maybe now that I have made myself vulnerable and not just spewed hate at the nearest target, maybe now I can go make that list, and go take a chance. Because actually, I do want to meet a man, a good man, and grow into love, and let him grow to love me, and take a chance and get married. but first I have to take a chance and tell the truth. So here it is. the truth. I am scared. I am scared that I am too much a mess and that I can never really love anyone again, that I will never care the way I should again, that all the good I was on target to do is now off target and I don't know how to get it back on target by myself. I have made a big big mess. I have messed with some very vulnerable people, that were already sensitive, and I knew it and I picked fights with them because I knew I could. I am sorry. I love you all. I know you guys love me. pray for me, because I need the walls to fall down again.
I
So why have I been doing this? I made so many changes last year, and I became such a happy person, without walls, I was virtually unstoppable. I wanted to date, and I wanted to get married and have a family for reals, probably for the first time in my life. I felt closer to God than ever before, and I had unstoppable faith.
I am not really proud of who I have been in the past couple of months, or the things I said earlier tonight. I apologize to those that read them
What happened? well I have written a little about it via my fairy tale, but not really. I quit writing for a while. In fact, I lost all desire to write or work on any of my previous works- my short story that could have been published months ago, my novel. I secretly am kind of angry at people that are happy couples right now. I try to be happy for them ,but I am kind of angry. I have been mean to my friends, and I try but just can't get the gospel to stick to my life more than just a few hours after listening to an inspirational program, or reading my scriptures.
On more than one occasion I have said to myself "man, you really need an attitude adjustment girl" I have had loving concerned friends who have lovingly told me to grow up, to which I replied "I hate you, I love you, thanks for doing that, but I hate you because you are right and I deserve that." I try to force myself to move on, but I am kind of bogged down.
December happened. The guy from the first date story, he really won my heart. I opened up to him like I have never opened my heart to him like I have never done before. He went to Reno, first he said just for a month, and then it became two, then three, then he got a job there and stopped talking to me for a bit, then he tried to talk to me again after three weeks of no word and it was too late.
All those walls I worked so hard to demolish last year, well a good portion of them went back up in an instance. I try to take them down ,but I just didn't know how. So I threw up walls, I was mean, and I pushed people away. I knew I was becoming something I didn't want to be so I just put up more walls, more attitude, more hate.
Honestly, I don't know what to do from here. I could go on and on about this friend or that but none of it matters, I have really good friends that love and care about me, I have family that love and care about me, but I feel like I have been trapped in a dark cave and I am just stuck. I pretend I am not there, but I am. I want to love again, I want to trust again, but I am so scared. Even my friends I know I should trust, I haven't been. I seem to be all confidence at times, but honestly my confidence is quite shaken. My roommate is trying to get me to sit down and write a list of what I am looking for in a spouse, but I don't want to, because I am too afraid, and I don't want to think about it. I don't even want to believe that I will ever get married, because it is easier than admitting that I was really hurt, and trying to take a chance again. I don't know, maybe now that I have said this, maybe now that I have made myself vulnerable and not just spewed hate at the nearest target, maybe now I can go make that list, and go take a chance. Because actually, I do want to meet a man, a good man, and grow into love, and let him grow to love me, and take a chance and get married. but first I have to take a chance and tell the truth. So here it is. the truth. I am scared. I am scared that I am too much a mess and that I can never really love anyone again, that I will never care the way I should again, that all the good I was on target to do is now off target and I don't know how to get it back on target by myself. I have made a big big mess. I have messed with some very vulnerable people, that were already sensitive, and I knew it and I picked fights with them because I knew I could. I am sorry. I love you all. I know you guys love me. pray for me, because I need the walls to fall down again.
I
I so know that feeling. Sorry :( I wish I knew how to help, but clearly I'm still in the same boat. Although I do have new fun road/camping trip for us for in the spring ;) Miss you!! And love you!!!
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've been through a lot. Take it at your own speed. Maybe write a list of qualities you don't want in a future spouse- when you want to. You are an amazing person and that won't change if you do marry or if you don't. Stay true to yourself and you'll find your way. The only way that I can relate is this urge that I have to go to grad school, or I won't be happy and successful. I'm learning that I don't need a Master's degree to have opportunities. I put this huge thing on my shoulders, feeling like I need to be an academic, when maybe that's not what I truly want. It's what I wanted when I was younger, or thought that's what others wanted for me. You're still young and there's still lots of life for you to enjoy.
ReplyDelete