Hanging out with some of my amazing friends last night made me realize I need to open up about a few more things in my life, or I may implode, or just get mean and start pushing people away again. For some reason its way easier for me to write things than to talk about them, so I decided to write this one.
I am waiting for a phone call. I feel like it will come any day now, and every time the phone rings I wonder, is it my parents calling, or is it one of the Universities I recently inquired about MA programs recently. So far, Its been the universities. I hate talking on the phone.
So why would my parents be calling? Well, My Grandpa (Dad's Dad) has congestive heart failure, and unlike my Grandma (Mom's Mom) Its not looking like he is going to be the Energizer bunny and just keep going for three years, In fact, I've was told a few days ago that they were surprised he had made it through the night.
Being 800 miles away, all I get is second hand information. I don't know what is really happening. I've gotten panicked messages and phone calls in the past saying they didn't think he would make it, and then he seemingly recovered and was fine for a few months. This time I am taking it more seriously, because it was my mom, and she's not dramatic.
So I called my Grandpa the other day, and I talked to him for about five minutes. That was probably my goodbye. I don't think I'm going to call again, and I know I'm not going to make it out there. It was good that I called, I'm glad I talked to him a bit, but he is so out of it that its really hard to carry on a conversation, and it feels one sided and I don't know what to say. My Grandpa has always been so talkative you can't get him to shut up so you can get a word in. I hate talking on the phone. I run out of things to say.
How do I feel? well, to be honest I don't know. I have such a mix of feelings and emotions right now that I don't know how to even put a finger on what they are. I love my Grandpa, I have some good memories with him, I spent a lot of time with him five years ago. He was always there for my birthday and graduation, and I loved hanging out with him in his cabin. I don't think his quality of life is that great, so it may best be time for him moving on, I'll see him again. I live so far away, that I don't see much of him any more any way. But emotionally I think the biggest thing is that when he goes, I will have a step Grandma left, and that's it, end of the Grand Parents. I love my Grandparents, I miss all my Grandma's. My Moms Dad died before I was born, so this is the only Grandpa I've ever known.
As much as anything though, this signals a change in my life. The lack of Grand Parents means I'm getting older, and it means we are that much closer to it being my parents at that stage, and that scares me far more than anything.
Well, I've got to go change my oil now, Who knows, maybe Grandpa Marquardt will pull a Grandma Byington, surprise us all and make it three more years, but if not... well, that's life. I'll cry a little, write a song about it, and see him on the other side. Oils calling. Thanks for reading.
I am waiting for a phone call. I feel like it will come any day now, and every time the phone rings I wonder, is it my parents calling, or is it one of the Universities I recently inquired about MA programs recently. So far, Its been the universities. I hate talking on the phone.
So why would my parents be calling? Well, My Grandpa (Dad's Dad) has congestive heart failure, and unlike my Grandma (Mom's Mom) Its not looking like he is going to be the Energizer bunny and just keep going for three years, In fact, I've was told a few days ago that they were surprised he had made it through the night.
Being 800 miles away, all I get is second hand information. I don't know what is really happening. I've gotten panicked messages and phone calls in the past saying they didn't think he would make it, and then he seemingly recovered and was fine for a few months. This time I am taking it more seriously, because it was my mom, and she's not dramatic.
So I called my Grandpa the other day, and I talked to him for about five minutes. That was probably my goodbye. I don't think I'm going to call again, and I know I'm not going to make it out there. It was good that I called, I'm glad I talked to him a bit, but he is so out of it that its really hard to carry on a conversation, and it feels one sided and I don't know what to say. My Grandpa has always been so talkative you can't get him to shut up so you can get a word in. I hate talking on the phone. I run out of things to say.
How do I feel? well, to be honest I don't know. I have such a mix of feelings and emotions right now that I don't know how to even put a finger on what they are. I love my Grandpa, I have some good memories with him, I spent a lot of time with him five years ago. He was always there for my birthday and graduation, and I loved hanging out with him in his cabin. I don't think his quality of life is that great, so it may best be time for him moving on, I'll see him again. I live so far away, that I don't see much of him any more any way. But emotionally I think the biggest thing is that when he goes, I will have a step Grandma left, and that's it, end of the Grand Parents. I love my Grandparents, I miss all my Grandma's. My Moms Dad died before I was born, so this is the only Grandpa I've ever known.
As much as anything though, this signals a change in my life. The lack of Grand Parents means I'm getting older, and it means we are that much closer to it being my parents at that stage, and that scares me far more than anything.
Well, I've got to go change my oil now, Who knows, maybe Grandpa Marquardt will pull a Grandma Byington, surprise us all and make it three more years, but if not... well, that's life. I'll cry a little, write a song about it, and see him on the other side. Oils calling. Thanks for reading.
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