Once upon a time, I had walls. Thick ones. Impenetrable. This year, those walls are coming down, Berlin style, with sledge hammers and all, brick by brick, section by section.
My heart feels a great deal of freedom that its never felt before, I feel a great deal of confidence in who I am that I have never had before. I have a deeper trust in my friends than I have ever had before. It all sounds like a good thing, and I think mostly it is. However, there is one small detail that I don't think I had ever imagined.
When you go a whole life time, without trusting or letting anyone in, and suddenly you just knock huge sections of walls down and trust a lot of people at once with something really really personal, you feel things that you've never felt before, and that is overwhelming and terrifying.
All week long I've been super sensitive. If you look at me. Not if you look at me wrong, just if you look at me, I may cry. Its not PMS. Its called a vulnerability hangover, and this one has been of epic proportions. I've had a hard time not hard core pushing people away this week. It might not seem like it, but I have. Part of me feels really threatened that so many people now know so much about me. My emotions are just so raw and completely un protected, and I am feeling them so fully, no numbing effect to hide behind (well, OK, maybe some oreos and a glass of milk, but that about it.)
The good thing about this is that, I have a lot of friends who care a whole heck of a lot about me, and they have all really been there for me this week, just as I needed them, just when I thought I was so overwhelmed I couldn't handle one more second. Friends are really great things to have, and awesome people to trust, well, at least my friends are. A mighty fortress was my heart, but not any more, those walls have been tumblin down.
Anyone else who has walls like i did, it may be painful for a little bit, when you start to take those suckers down ,but its so worth it. Bad things might not be able to get through walls, but usually, neither can the good things.
My heart feels a great deal of freedom that its never felt before, I feel a great deal of confidence in who I am that I have never had before. I have a deeper trust in my friends than I have ever had before. It all sounds like a good thing, and I think mostly it is. However, there is one small detail that I don't think I had ever imagined.
When you go a whole life time, without trusting or letting anyone in, and suddenly you just knock huge sections of walls down and trust a lot of people at once with something really really personal, you feel things that you've never felt before, and that is overwhelming and terrifying.
All week long I've been super sensitive. If you look at me. Not if you look at me wrong, just if you look at me, I may cry. Its not PMS. Its called a vulnerability hangover, and this one has been of epic proportions. I've had a hard time not hard core pushing people away this week. It might not seem like it, but I have. Part of me feels really threatened that so many people now know so much about me. My emotions are just so raw and completely un protected, and I am feeling them so fully, no numbing effect to hide behind (well, OK, maybe some oreos and a glass of milk, but that about it.)
The good thing about this is that, I have a lot of friends who care a whole heck of a lot about me, and they have all really been there for me this week, just as I needed them, just when I thought I was so overwhelmed I couldn't handle one more second. Friends are really great things to have, and awesome people to trust, well, at least my friends are. A mighty fortress was my heart, but not any more, those walls have been tumblin down.
Anyone else who has walls like i did, it may be painful for a little bit, when you start to take those suckers down ,but its so worth it. Bad things might not be able to get through walls, but usually, neither can the good things.
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