One of my blog readers shared their blog with me. In it she debunked 10 myths about being single. I'd like to encourage you all to read that. Everything she said completely resonated with me
http://smilingldsgirl.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/myths-about-being-single/#comment-3315
In case you don't want to go all the way there, here were 10, and how I feel about them
1. You can hang out with your friends and pretty much do what you want, whenever you want to.
yeah, most of my friends are now married, the ones that aren't don't live super close, and we are all super busy. Since I live alone, and don't handle that well, I try to plan parties to get some time with friends. I probably need time with my friends more than married people, because otherwise Its just me and my dog. If I didn't have my dog, I'd seriously die from loneliness. I have a great deal of friends, so this helps because if I didn't at least get some time with other people, It wouldn't take long for me to become very seriously depressed.
2. You don't have kids, so you must have lots of extra money (or you have blown all your money on fun).
My friend from Smilingldsgirl nailed this one so much on the nose, I'm just going to quote her
" In reality married people statistically are wealthier and healthier than their single counterparts. Even if you don’t have a two income household, in most marriages you have two people managing the budget and making decisions. Plus, everything is more expensive for just one person. Food is more, taxes are more, rent is more etc."
I would like to add, with my work schedule, if I hit a financial problem, I have so little time left over in my day, that it would be impossible for me to work an extra job and still take care of the necessities of running a house hold. I'm pretty much already maxed out.
3. You must have tons of free time since you don't have kids
I have two nights a week, maybe three that I don't have full each and every week. I have 11.5 or more hours M-F of working/commuting. I still have to cook dinner, clean my house, and do all the yard work, all by myself. One person is slightly less mess, but weeds and dust still grow about the same in a single persons house as they do in a family's. I have callings, any thing that needs to be done for my house hold, I am the sole person with responsibility to take care of it- running errands, paying bills, fixing my car. All those things take time. This is part of the reason I average 4-5 hrs sleep on week nights
4. You must get plenty of sleep because you don't have kids
I average 4-5 hrs sleep on week nights, 6-7 hrs on weekends.
No, I don't have to run kids everywhere, or get them to be quiet or not wake me up. I still get way less sleep than I should. Part of this is insomnia, part of it is I just have too much to do, and I don't have time to sleep. Just like you, If I am needing some me time It has to cut into my sleep time.
5. “You’re single. You must travel all the time”
since moving to Washington,five years ago, I have traveled home to visit my family, I have traveled to Philly once and to Kansas City, Mo once to do training for work. I travelled to Navoo that first year to pick up my brother from his mission (in lieu of my semi- annual trip to Utah to visit my family.) I have got on a road trip to Forks, WA ( about 4 hrs from my house), I've gone to Portland, Or, ( 3 hrs from my house), and I've gone to Victoria, BC over night with my aunts. (also not more than 4 hours from my house). I don t have time or money to travel. I don't want to travel alone, its scary and dangerous and expensive. I don't have time or money to travel. That said, you all know I am going to Ireland and Lithuania in about a month and a half ish, I am not paying for most of this trip, and that is why I can go. I am also now working / commuting 12.5 hrs a day at least once usually two or three times a week so that I can have enough paid leave time to go. I have a dog, dogs are surprisingly like kids in many ways. They can be left alone longer, but not two weeks or more, they need attention and love, and food and water. They are easier than kids, I am not saying your kids are exactly like my dog, but they do come with costs and responsiblity, and care and time needs. I have to arrange for the dog if I go out of town, and that can be expensive. Being single, for most people, doesn't make travel easier, especially single women.
6. You are so lucky because you get to do things the way you want to
I don't want to settle down to much, because I could get married at any time. So I only rent, I never buy a house. My future seems too uncertain, so I leave things in kind of a transitional state. Also, I usually have a roommate. That requires compromise, and since I rotate roommates about every 8 months to a year, I have to adjust to a whole new person and new issues and new compromises every time. I thought that was exhausting, till I didn't have a roommate. I planned to change some things and just do them my way when she moved out, but I haven't had time. yeah, I get a some freedom in this right now, but also there is the draw back of every single decision resting on my shoulders. to quote my friend again ..
" You have all the pressure of every decision on you. There is no partner to discuss situations with or lighten the load. Something like which loan to get or how much to pay in a down payment had to be made by me and only me. I had to do all the research and get all the inspiration. Any mistakes lie squarely on my shoulders. That’s tough." That has been a tough thing for me. Making every choice all the time makes me tired.
7. “You must hate it when your friends set you up on dates”
No, I don't. Please do! Just as long as you know, it may not work out, and you are OK with that, I want to get married, and none of the guys I know are working for me in that respect, please introduce me to some new ones, you never know what will happen. Just please never tell me I am not trying hard enough to get married. If you are saying that, you don't know anything about me. Also, please understand that there is something called trying too hard, and that is worse than not trying. I'm open to opportunities should they present themselves, and I try to dedicate some of my limited time to creating those opportunities, but I need a new pond to fish at the moment it seems.
8. “You’re single so I should avoid talking about my family and kids around you”.
Absolutely not!! Please talk about your school closure, your kid having this or that social or emotional issue, all the stuff about having babies!! I may have an awkward look on my face, or not know what to say, but this is precisely why I decided to move to a family ward- I want to understand your world. Plus, you are my friend, and I want to know what is going on in your life. Honestly I need you to talk about these things so I can learn, and also so I can feel less awkward hanging out with married people in the future. If I hear about these things, learn about them, I can have an opinion, and at some point I can add to the conversation. For now, I will just listen and learn, and that is great. Plus, I love kids, and I'm in the Primary, so I need to understand them better to do my calling.
9. “You’re single because you have chosen to be single”.
I want to be married.
This has mainly come from my parents, and or siblings, and my parents friends. If you think this, you don't know me. Am I am amazingly awesome? yes I am. Are there some guys that I think wanted to date and marry me? yes, there were. Should I have married them? Absolutely not. so I guess, yes I chose to be single, over being divorced, or miserably married. I believe marriage is for eternity, and you should choose as wisely as possible the first time. If I had met someone that worked for me, and I for him I would have married in a heart beat. There have been some guys I really wanted to marry, they didn't want to marry me. That's life, it happens. I am not overly picky, I do give the guys a fair shot, sometimes more than a fair shot, and I think that's all that can be done. One shouldn't compromise one's eternal happiness, or families happiness just because society pressures you to be married by a certain age.
10. “You’re single so you are not a full adult”
this is both and outward and an internal problem. My counselor in recent weeks has encouraged me to remind myself " I am 31, I am an adult." I often feel like a less than completely valid adult, this may be because of external pressures as my friend describes
" For singles that are over 30 we resent when it is assumed we are still the same as 20 year old singles. While I have friends of many ages I have learned a lot in the proceeding years and hopefully have become wiser and better. I loved my college years so in a way its kind of flattering to be looked at as younger than I am but it can also feel a bit patronizing." I am not a college student, sometimes I still feel like I am treated as one, probably worse though is what she put as myth 11, falling under your parents "Family umbrella" I have an example of this.
I went home for a family visit. We had family photos. We did a big family group photos, then photos of my brothers and their wives and kids as individual family units. We did a photo of my parents and the grand kids. Because I am single , I never got a photo outside the entire family. This made me feel really pretty much like they were saying "because you are not married, we don't consider you an adult". My mom, in all fairness apologized and recognized they should have taken a picture of me without me pointing it out to her, but the fact that they didn't even realize I wasn't treated as an adult or individual was pretty much highlighted in that moment. When I go home to visit my family, my dad still tries to assign me chores like I was a college student moving home for the summer, not as a guest in his house. I don't mind helping out, but please don't treat me like I am still living under your roof, and you are paying my way in life, I work hard to do that myself.
However, I am the worst culprit in this one. I hesitate to share my opinion's when I am with married friends. I defer to them as much as possible, because really, deep inside, I don't consider myself a valid adult. In fact, my counselor, again had to tell me a few weeks ago that its OK to make choices for myself and not always just do things because that's what my parents told me I should do, when they don't even always do them themselves. I'm working on this one. Help is appreciated.
http://smilingldsgirl.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/myths-about-being-single/#comment-3315
In case you don't want to go all the way there, here were 10, and how I feel about them
1. You can hang out with your friends and pretty much do what you want, whenever you want to.
yeah, most of my friends are now married, the ones that aren't don't live super close, and we are all super busy. Since I live alone, and don't handle that well, I try to plan parties to get some time with friends. I probably need time with my friends more than married people, because otherwise Its just me and my dog. If I didn't have my dog, I'd seriously die from loneliness. I have a great deal of friends, so this helps because if I didn't at least get some time with other people, It wouldn't take long for me to become very seriously depressed.
2. You don't have kids, so you must have lots of extra money (or you have blown all your money on fun).
My friend from Smilingldsgirl nailed this one so much on the nose, I'm just going to quote her
" In reality married people statistically are wealthier and healthier than their single counterparts. Even if you don’t have a two income household, in most marriages you have two people managing the budget and making decisions. Plus, everything is more expensive for just one person. Food is more, taxes are more, rent is more etc."
I would like to add, with my work schedule, if I hit a financial problem, I have so little time left over in my day, that it would be impossible for me to work an extra job and still take care of the necessities of running a house hold. I'm pretty much already maxed out.
3. You must have tons of free time since you don't have kids
I have two nights a week, maybe three that I don't have full each and every week. I have 11.5 or more hours M-F of working/commuting. I still have to cook dinner, clean my house, and do all the yard work, all by myself. One person is slightly less mess, but weeds and dust still grow about the same in a single persons house as they do in a family's. I have callings, any thing that needs to be done for my house hold, I am the sole person with responsibility to take care of it- running errands, paying bills, fixing my car. All those things take time. This is part of the reason I average 4-5 hrs sleep on week nights
4. You must get plenty of sleep because you don't have kids
I average 4-5 hrs sleep on week nights, 6-7 hrs on weekends.
No, I don't have to run kids everywhere, or get them to be quiet or not wake me up. I still get way less sleep than I should. Part of this is insomnia, part of it is I just have too much to do, and I don't have time to sleep. Just like you, If I am needing some me time It has to cut into my sleep time.
5. “You’re single. You must travel all the time”
since moving to Washington,five years ago, I have traveled home to visit my family, I have traveled to Philly once and to Kansas City, Mo once to do training for work. I travelled to Navoo that first year to pick up my brother from his mission (in lieu of my semi- annual trip to Utah to visit my family.) I have got on a road trip to Forks, WA ( about 4 hrs from my house), I've gone to Portland, Or, ( 3 hrs from my house), and I've gone to Victoria, BC over night with my aunts. (also not more than 4 hours from my house). I don t have time or money to travel. I don't want to travel alone, its scary and dangerous and expensive. I don't have time or money to travel. That said, you all know I am going to Ireland and Lithuania in about a month and a half ish, I am not paying for most of this trip, and that is why I can go. I am also now working / commuting 12.5 hrs a day at least once usually two or three times a week so that I can have enough paid leave time to go. I have a dog, dogs are surprisingly like kids in many ways. They can be left alone longer, but not two weeks or more, they need attention and love, and food and water. They are easier than kids, I am not saying your kids are exactly like my dog, but they do come with costs and responsiblity, and care and time needs. I have to arrange for the dog if I go out of town, and that can be expensive. Being single, for most people, doesn't make travel easier, especially single women.
6. You are so lucky because you get to do things the way you want to
I don't want to settle down to much, because I could get married at any time. So I only rent, I never buy a house. My future seems too uncertain, so I leave things in kind of a transitional state. Also, I usually have a roommate. That requires compromise, and since I rotate roommates about every 8 months to a year, I have to adjust to a whole new person and new issues and new compromises every time. I thought that was exhausting, till I didn't have a roommate. I planned to change some things and just do them my way when she moved out, but I haven't had time. yeah, I get a some freedom in this right now, but also there is the draw back of every single decision resting on my shoulders. to quote my friend again ..
" You have all the pressure of every decision on you. There is no partner to discuss situations with or lighten the load. Something like which loan to get or how much to pay in a down payment had to be made by me and only me. I had to do all the research and get all the inspiration. Any mistakes lie squarely on my shoulders. That’s tough." That has been a tough thing for me. Making every choice all the time makes me tired.
7. “You must hate it when your friends set you up on dates”
No, I don't. Please do! Just as long as you know, it may not work out, and you are OK with that, I want to get married, and none of the guys I know are working for me in that respect, please introduce me to some new ones, you never know what will happen. Just please never tell me I am not trying hard enough to get married. If you are saying that, you don't know anything about me. Also, please understand that there is something called trying too hard, and that is worse than not trying. I'm open to opportunities should they present themselves, and I try to dedicate some of my limited time to creating those opportunities, but I need a new pond to fish at the moment it seems.
8. “You’re single so I should avoid talking about my family and kids around you”.
Absolutely not!! Please talk about your school closure, your kid having this or that social or emotional issue, all the stuff about having babies!! I may have an awkward look on my face, or not know what to say, but this is precisely why I decided to move to a family ward- I want to understand your world. Plus, you are my friend, and I want to know what is going on in your life. Honestly I need you to talk about these things so I can learn, and also so I can feel less awkward hanging out with married people in the future. If I hear about these things, learn about them, I can have an opinion, and at some point I can add to the conversation. For now, I will just listen and learn, and that is great. Plus, I love kids, and I'm in the Primary, so I need to understand them better to do my calling.
9. “You’re single because you have chosen to be single”.
I want to be married.
This has mainly come from my parents, and or siblings, and my parents friends. If you think this, you don't know me. Am I am amazingly awesome? yes I am. Are there some guys that I think wanted to date and marry me? yes, there were. Should I have married them? Absolutely not. so I guess, yes I chose to be single, over being divorced, or miserably married. I believe marriage is for eternity, and you should choose as wisely as possible the first time. If I had met someone that worked for me, and I for him I would have married in a heart beat. There have been some guys I really wanted to marry, they didn't want to marry me. That's life, it happens. I am not overly picky, I do give the guys a fair shot, sometimes more than a fair shot, and I think that's all that can be done. One shouldn't compromise one's eternal happiness, or families happiness just because society pressures you to be married by a certain age.
10. “You’re single so you are not a full adult”
this is both and outward and an internal problem. My counselor in recent weeks has encouraged me to remind myself " I am 31, I am an adult." I often feel like a less than completely valid adult, this may be because of external pressures as my friend describes
" For singles that are over 30 we resent when it is assumed we are still the same as 20 year old singles. While I have friends of many ages I have learned a lot in the proceeding years and hopefully have become wiser and better. I loved my college years so in a way its kind of flattering to be looked at as younger than I am but it can also feel a bit patronizing." I am not a college student, sometimes I still feel like I am treated as one, probably worse though is what she put as myth 11, falling under your parents "Family umbrella" I have an example of this.
I went home for a family visit. We had family photos. We did a big family group photos, then photos of my brothers and their wives and kids as individual family units. We did a photo of my parents and the grand kids. Because I am single , I never got a photo outside the entire family. This made me feel really pretty much like they were saying "because you are not married, we don't consider you an adult". My mom, in all fairness apologized and recognized they should have taken a picture of me without me pointing it out to her, but the fact that they didn't even realize I wasn't treated as an adult or individual was pretty much highlighted in that moment. When I go home to visit my family, my dad still tries to assign me chores like I was a college student moving home for the summer, not as a guest in his house. I don't mind helping out, but please don't treat me like I am still living under your roof, and you are paying my way in life, I work hard to do that myself.
However, I am the worst culprit in this one. I hesitate to share my opinion's when I am with married friends. I defer to them as much as possible, because really, deep inside, I don't consider myself a valid adult. In fact, my counselor, again had to tell me a few weeks ago that its OK to make choices for myself and not always just do things because that's what my parents told me I should do, when they don't even always do them themselves. I'm working on this one. Help is appreciated.
Haha! I love that we are so different and can still be friends :) although I do agree with you on 6 through 10 :)
ReplyDeleteYou know Toni, I thought a lot about how this isn't true for you on the travel and money stuff as I was writing this, I think that has more to do with your job choice, I would say you are probably more of a rare exception on those two than you would think. Glad we agree on 6-10 though.
ReplyDeleteYes, true. But seven. Seven through ten. I lied earlier :)
ReplyDelete