Different societies, cultures, religions, and individuals define adulthood differently. Over time those ideas have evolved even within particular cultures. Some define being an adult by puberty, some by legal age, for some its when you get married, or have children. Maybe its when you move out and live on your own and can take care of yourself. For some you become an adult when you have sex, or for others, when you complete a mission, or some other quest or ritual.
Those are all different ideas from different times, cultures, and generations. How do I define Adulthood? I don't know any more. I don't know how to put into words what it means to be an adult. I used to think when I turned 21 I'd magically feel like an adult. Then I thought when I came home from my mission. Next I thought I'd feel like an adult when I graduated from college, started a real job, and moved completely out on my own. None of those things made me feel completely like an adult. I no longer felt like a teen, or a child, but even as I hit my thirties, I still didn't feel like an equal, like I was on par in adult hood with others my age or even younger. I concluded I would not feel like an adult until I was married and had kids.
That thought is scary, because I may not ever get married and have kids. It might not happen. Does that mean I never become an adult in my own eyes? I mentioned these thoughts to a friend who then told me, that despite being married and having kids, he doesn't always feel like a full fledged adult either, he sometimes feels like he is just "playing house."
So what exactly is an adult? I don't know. But, I now finally feel like I am one. This change occurred just over the past three weeks. I know what started it, I had a very difficult and very personal moment with my parents, and with my brothers that kind of changed me. In that moment, I faced a fear I had been hiding from for most my life. I put myself and my feelings and emotions completely on the line. A week later, I had a slight argument over some family business with my dad. I disagreed with him, I got what used to turn into a guilt trip.
But something strange happened, what used to make me feel guilty and obligated to change my opinion and put it in line with my families didn't. I stood by my decision, and defended it as the best and most prudent course for me to take, and I didn't feel defensive or apologetic about it. It was my decision, and I stood by it.
Other strange things have been happening, I have difficult tasks that have been needing to get done, and rather than waiting until I am forced to do them, I am just doing them. I am asking questions, making phone calls, and other crazy things, Not because I have to, but because I need to, and I am an adult so I can do it. Before I did things because I had to.
For example, I am looking into an number of Grad schools and programs. As I started this process, I got information very passively. After that moment when I became an adult, I started actively asking difficult questions that I needed to know the answers to, rather than just hopping I could inadvertently find out what I needed to know.
Only one thing has changed about me. I'm still kind of shy, I still hate talking on the phone, I still have things I have to do, that I would rather not do. The one thing that changed was, that I really actually have confidence in who I am as an individual, as an adult.
Maybe the thing that each of us has to face that can give us that confidence is different. Maybe some will never find it. But I am going to say that that indefinable quality that makes one an adult is this mysterious self confidence that I found, a confidence that allows you to function at a higher level, and to do things you would have never thought possible before. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe that is just me. But I have the feeling that I am never going to feel like a second class citizen in the adult kingdom again. I feel like I've finally earned my place, and I belong. No one can take that from me, and no one could have given it to me. I had to find it for myself.
Those are all different ideas from different times, cultures, and generations. How do I define Adulthood? I don't know any more. I don't know how to put into words what it means to be an adult. I used to think when I turned 21 I'd magically feel like an adult. Then I thought when I came home from my mission. Next I thought I'd feel like an adult when I graduated from college, started a real job, and moved completely out on my own. None of those things made me feel completely like an adult. I no longer felt like a teen, or a child, but even as I hit my thirties, I still didn't feel like an equal, like I was on par in adult hood with others my age or even younger. I concluded I would not feel like an adult until I was married and had kids.
That thought is scary, because I may not ever get married and have kids. It might not happen. Does that mean I never become an adult in my own eyes? I mentioned these thoughts to a friend who then told me, that despite being married and having kids, he doesn't always feel like a full fledged adult either, he sometimes feels like he is just "playing house."
So what exactly is an adult? I don't know. But, I now finally feel like I am one. This change occurred just over the past three weeks. I know what started it, I had a very difficult and very personal moment with my parents, and with my brothers that kind of changed me. In that moment, I faced a fear I had been hiding from for most my life. I put myself and my feelings and emotions completely on the line. A week later, I had a slight argument over some family business with my dad. I disagreed with him, I got what used to turn into a guilt trip.
But something strange happened, what used to make me feel guilty and obligated to change my opinion and put it in line with my families didn't. I stood by my decision, and defended it as the best and most prudent course for me to take, and I didn't feel defensive or apologetic about it. It was my decision, and I stood by it.
Other strange things have been happening, I have difficult tasks that have been needing to get done, and rather than waiting until I am forced to do them, I am just doing them. I am asking questions, making phone calls, and other crazy things, Not because I have to, but because I need to, and I am an adult so I can do it. Before I did things because I had to.
For example, I am looking into an number of Grad schools and programs. As I started this process, I got information very passively. After that moment when I became an adult, I started actively asking difficult questions that I needed to know the answers to, rather than just hopping I could inadvertently find out what I needed to know.
Only one thing has changed about me. I'm still kind of shy, I still hate talking on the phone, I still have things I have to do, that I would rather not do. The one thing that changed was, that I really actually have confidence in who I am as an individual, as an adult.
Maybe the thing that each of us has to face that can give us that confidence is different. Maybe some will never find it. But I am going to say that that indefinable quality that makes one an adult is this mysterious self confidence that I found, a confidence that allows you to function at a higher level, and to do things you would have never thought possible before. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe that is just me. But I have the feeling that I am never going to feel like a second class citizen in the adult kingdom again. I feel like I've finally earned my place, and I belong. No one can take that from me, and no one could have given it to me. I had to find it for myself.
Mandi, i like this. I always kind of feel younger than I am and strangely married family and friends feel older than me even though they are younger. I'm still single and now 41 and my options around me are getting even more limited as I age (not that im ready to take advantage even if there were plenty). Marriage talk is not allowed in my family, unless I bring it up. Confidence is what makes me feel like an adult and seeing where i have come from and much i have grown. Though i dont care to relive any of my past trials, i am glad for all of them.
ReplyDeleteThanks and great message-
Jeff Gray