In the past two years I have learned very well what a vulnerability hangover is, and what it does to me. I have not, however found a way to handle it to make it not happen When I open up and share personal stuff, its going to make the next week hard, and all I can do is know that will happen, and that I will get through it and it will be ok, eventually.
Last Tuesdays post left me with a massive vulnerablility hangover. It came on slowly, and then hit hard. But I am wading through it, till it goes away. Vulnerability hangovers are what happens when you share something very personal, with one person, or with the world. For me what follows is always a dose of self hatred, fear, and a desire to run away or give up, because sharing those really personal parts of yourself with the world is scary, and I always tend to think or fear when I do everyone is going to abandon me, because Im just too weird, or I dont meet their standards or whatever.
Sometimes, I just feel I dont meet my own standards, and that is much worse. At any rate, thats what happens. So today, I really didn't want to go to church, and once I got there, I wanted to leave, because I was feeling kind of worthless and like a huge I dont know what. But I made it through sacrament, and the last speaker said something about if you show up, if you come, then we can help you. So, I didn't want to stay, but I thought, fine, I'll stay.
And Sunday school was a great lesson and all, but again, I just wanted to go home. But again, at the end of the lesson, someone mentioned something and it helped me just that little bit. So I stayed, and a friend was in the hall and took me to relief society. And waiting for everything to start, I was tired, and I didn't want to be there, and I just wanted to go home.
And then the lesson was on... well it was on that talk from last conference about all the Olympians, in particular Noelle Pikus-Pace. And dispite last weeks overwhelming everything that made me loose my focus on "The Dream" as I shall call it, with overwhelming disire to just give up, that lesson was for me, and it reminded me of everything that God has taught me from and since the last Olympics. It reminded me that he is in my corner, and that amazing things are going to happen, and that I just need to believe him, trust him, and keep working, and keep being me, even on the days I dont want to be.
Im not going to recap the lesson, it was great, but It was in fact for me. I stayed, and what I needed to hear was delivered, and that is why I had decided to stay any way. I know God knows and loves me, because today I needed to be reminded of what inspires me, and I was inspired by something at every meeting I went to, even if parts of every meeting were also hard to just stick with.
God wants me to achieve amazing things. He wants you to, too. and If we just hang in, and trust him as much as we can, he will help us to have the motivation, to take it up a notch and work for the seemingly impossible possibilities in our lives.
Last Tuesdays post left me with a massive vulnerablility hangover. It came on slowly, and then hit hard. But I am wading through it, till it goes away. Vulnerability hangovers are what happens when you share something very personal, with one person, or with the world. For me what follows is always a dose of self hatred, fear, and a desire to run away or give up, because sharing those really personal parts of yourself with the world is scary, and I always tend to think or fear when I do everyone is going to abandon me, because Im just too weird, or I dont meet their standards or whatever.
Sometimes, I just feel I dont meet my own standards, and that is much worse. At any rate, thats what happens. So today, I really didn't want to go to church, and once I got there, I wanted to leave, because I was feeling kind of worthless and like a huge I dont know what. But I made it through sacrament, and the last speaker said something about if you show up, if you come, then we can help you. So, I didn't want to stay, but I thought, fine, I'll stay.
And Sunday school was a great lesson and all, but again, I just wanted to go home. But again, at the end of the lesson, someone mentioned something and it helped me just that little bit. So I stayed, and a friend was in the hall and took me to relief society. And waiting for everything to start, I was tired, and I didn't want to be there, and I just wanted to go home.
And then the lesson was on... well it was on that talk from last conference about all the Olympians, in particular Noelle Pikus-Pace. And dispite last weeks overwhelming everything that made me loose my focus on "The Dream" as I shall call it, with overwhelming disire to just give up, that lesson was for me, and it reminded me of everything that God has taught me from and since the last Olympics. It reminded me that he is in my corner, and that amazing things are going to happen, and that I just need to believe him, trust him, and keep working, and keep being me, even on the days I dont want to be.
Im not going to recap the lesson, it was great, but It was in fact for me. I stayed, and what I needed to hear was delivered, and that is why I had decided to stay any way. I know God knows and loves me, because today I needed to be reminded of what inspires me, and I was inspired by something at every meeting I went to, even if parts of every meeting were also hard to just stick with.
God wants me to achieve amazing things. He wants you to, too. and If we just hang in, and trust him as much as we can, he will help us to have the motivation, to take it up a notch and work for the seemingly impossible possibilities in our lives.
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