Day 1

WARNING: CONTAINS SPELLING ERRORS. If you are sensitive and prone to being upset about spelling and gramatical errors, please read the following with caution. My spell check is not working, and I have never been good at spelling. Thank you.


  This is going to be an unusual post, I guess after having my first long, mutually loving relationship/ and very short engagement come to an end, that shouldn't be a surprising thing. Actually, probably all my posts are unusual because they are written by me, and I am unique and unusual.

  Any way, I saw Ghostbusters for the third time today. I love that movie, Holtzman is my happy place, if that's possible, yup. Mentally inserting Holtzman right by my bag piper man in his kilt on the banks of the Loch somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, and now all is right with the world as the piper pipes on.

 So I woke up at 6:30 this morning, even though I was trying to sleep in, because I kept seeing my ex in my dreams, and my heart would kind of hurt and I jerked awake like I had fallen off a cliff. By the last time this happened at 6:30, I was really tired of it and gave up on sleep.  I think I worked on my facebook soccer team management for a while instead.  By a while I mean until about 10.

 I also made a new Lithuanian friend today, through this game. I bought one of his players on the transfer market.  Some random facts about my soccer team in the game- They are called the Seattle Rise, and my supporters are  called 'the hope and the heart'  I did this intentionally because its hillarious when my team scores a goal and the game says the hope and the heart are singing, or when someone doesn't score and it says the hope and the heart are dissapointed, or the hope and the heart are  starting to get restless.   At one point, I also had a goalie (that I didn't name, I bought him on transfer market) named Jesus Hills.  I thought that was hilarious. Jesus Hills (Jesus Heals)  and since he was a goalie, Jesus also saves.  ha ha ha. that's brilliant.  

 Any way,  I did not intend to talk about my soccer team all day. I did spend a lot of time with them today. But I've also started this new therapy for trauma, because someone caused me trauma a month ago and bullied me after I got engaged. Any way, its this EMDR therapy, its an interesting rapid eye movement thing.  My homework this week, was just to note things I do that are unusual for me.

 Ive had a very hard time, because well- things have been not great with my now ex, and last week a friend died, and then yesterday we broke up. So if nothing is usual, how do I know what is a reaction to the therapy, that is different, and what I am just doing different because my life is so full of grieving and weirdness right now? After my  last friend died, I did all sorts of unusual things, like, completely redecorate my house.

 Well, today I did something really unusual. and I don't know why, if its therapy, or just grief, but it was super cool. and kind of frightening.  So starting during Ghostbusters, I just started noticing and naming exactly how I was feeling, and then telling my friend "I'm feeling shame" "I'm feeling  grief for the loss of the new life I was planing"  Things like that.

  It was very empowering, but also frightening a bit to know exactly what combination of things were creating the deep heavy pain in my heart, or the tears welling up in my eyes.  I felt a lot of shame earlier in the day. A LOT. Shame for failing, shame for not knowing this would not work out, shame for trying, shame for believing I was going to be a part of a new family, shame for all the people that might think this failure was a sign from God that I was doing something wrong.   But then I told my friend that went to Ghostbusters with me exactly what I was feeling, and the moment I owned that shame, It went away.   After that, I don't think I felt much shame again. And as the day progressed, and my Whack- A-Mole of feelings and emotions popped in and out, and I named the thing, I felt it, I owned it, and onward we went.  Guys, it was really hard.  More than a few times I wanted to find something, anything to numb that pain.

 When that happened, I told my friend. We talked about it. We talked in depth about how numbing the pain never works, that you can't escape it, and you are just delaying healing from it. Together, with my friend I faced the thing I wanted to hide from. I faced it, and then it would go. Something new would soon come, and I would face it again. It was a tough day, with lots of feelings.  It was also a good day, with an army of friends and family loving, supporting, and listening to me. It was a good day with a bit of healing words between me and my ex even.  It was a super hard day.  but it was still good. I also had a lot of dog support today, mine and my friends. nothing is better than a dog. A dog, and Kate McKinnon, and friends. and hugs and comfort food.  I also faced a lot of uncertinty today. My whole life plan just changed, and I was planing some big plans, and now I just don't know what Im supposed to do, or what I want to do, or what I should do with my housing situation, but I need to make some kind of decision in a month or two- so no pressure.

Any way, that was day one. I felt at times this was a great decison on the part of my ex, and other times a horrible decision, and sometimes I felt ripped off and sometimes I just wanted to hide somewhere from everything.  But at the end of the day, I now get to go to sleep, and I think I will sleep better, because I faced the shame, I faced the uncertanty and I faced all the stuff. That is my hope.


Speaking of Hope, Hope Solo got a 6 mo suspension and her USWNT contract terminated. I think the suspension is even a bit excessive, but probably a good way to calm the masses seeking blood and vengance because its a big thing to hate on Hope Solo.   I think the contract termination is over kill.

A friend asked me how I feel if she isn't on the team ever again and her international carrer is over. I feel like its time to give some other goalies a look in, but I disagree with how this is being done, and I dont think she needs to be kicked off the team for the rest of forever.  I know a lot of people will be happy to have her gone, but I dont think its the best way to go about this, and I dont think its the best thing for the team, the country or the fans.  And I agree with the national team's union, that its sexist overkill.  They wouldnt do that for the men for that mild of comments. and you can argue what you want about an accumulation of past mistakes, but I dont think this is really justified. Suspension, yes. Contract termenation- no. And you can say what you want about that assult issue with her nephew, but there are a lot more question marks that I found with that case than I think has ever been fairly represented by the media, and until a court determines there was really something meriting great concern there- Im gonna say we should withold judgement. Again, not a popular opinion, but I think we should rise above being petty with Hope.   She should be held acountable for her actions yes, but some actions we dont quite have the full story on , and we may never. Public opinion shouldn't be judge and jury for the courts or for her national team employment status. Sponsers- yes. Obviously.


Any way, thanks for reading my rambling, as always.