Finding Mandi- Festival of The Phoenix

"Now is the time when I let go of of my fears, inhibitions, sense of dread.  When I give up control and I  let you hold me with no resistance in my soul. This is the day when I throw it all away into the fire of the All Loving One. Now I have just what I need to be free, to feel who I really Am. Here is the place where I fall into grace and release into the sweetness of your love.  I surrender, I remember the Light and the Beauty that I am." - This is the Day, Jaya Lakshmi & Ananda

 

  The week of the Divine Self has come and gone, and its been a powerful week. I ended it last night with a Kirtan on Vashon Island.  I heard the above song, and felt it was the perfect words to describe my life's journey thus far, the way I have learned to love and embrace me. 

  The week started equally powerfully, as Monday I watched the latest episode of Supergirl, and saw in the story of Agent Alex Danvers, Supergirl's human sister, So much of my own story, in figuring out who I am, and what it means to be me. This weeks episode, Alex came out to her sister, and it was as real and scary as it was when I came out, all the times.  I saw there on the TV the ghost of my past, a 30 something woman facing down and owning a piece of her self she'd tried so hard to avoid for so long.

I loved what supergirl had said later on to her, 

"I do know how it feels, to keep a part of yourself shut off, to keep it inside, and I know how lonely that can make you feel, but Alex, you are not alone."

  This week was about recognizing the wonderful bits within, the neglected parts of your self that make you beautiful and allow you to shine. In my life, just like Alex, I used to strive to be perfect, and I used to feel like a failure in dating, because it never worked for me. And then something changed, slowly over time that little piece of me that I had forced to remain in a silent dark place was finally given oxygen and the light of day.  The moment I allowed my heart to start to feel and truly  love, without fear, without shutting it off. 

 Those small, huge moments when the divine reached me and said "you are not broken, go be you, go love you, and go love who you love. Quite trying to fit in, to be perfect, to be someone you are not."  Those were the moments that changed my life, and made me whole.

 In the past weeks there has been a large rise in hate crimes, there has been a palpable fear of what the future will bring for LGBT people, and other minorities, for a good reason. and as I have waded through these times I have thought,  what shall I do for self preservation, Shall I go back into hiding who I am and who I love?  Lets be honest, its never been safe to be LGBT, its never been safe to be black, its never been safe to be a Muslim in America. For LGBT people this is why we had to come out in the first place, its nothing anyone WANTED to do, its something we had to do, because our very existence has often been a defiance of the culture and peoples we live among. But it has been a little safer, and kinder, and that was very nice to have. I still dream one day we will not have to come out, I dream one day I can walk down the street holding the hand of the person I love and not think for a moment if we are safe.  

 But, looking back on where I have come from, and who I have been able to become as soon as I became true to myself, I will not go back to that dark place, no matter the threat. I can only continue becoming more freely and openly me, because I have a light to shine for the world, I have something to give, I have important things to offer, and I can only offer them as my true full self. 

 I can give you a list of celebrities I deeply love, and I will :  Ellen DeGeneres, Megan Rapinoe, and Kate McKinnon... among others.  But particularly I love these three. They give me great courage on days that I have none, because they are themselves, they do not hide, they face adversity and people that wish to shut them up, and they keep just being themselves, JOYFULLY.  And I feel inspired to do the same when I see them doing this, when I see them standing up for others, when I see them not hiding who they are.   

And so, I know, whatever happens in coming days, whenever I get scared and want to do the same, I must find courage, and I must continue to be me and not hide, and hopefully that will give others the same hope, the same courage, that one day we can live in a world that is loving and kind enough to stand up for their neighbour when they are being harassed, pushed around and bullied, that one day we can live in a world where we all own our part in the  systems that oppress and other those who may be different and do not cower and slink away from discomfort.  A day when we stop minimizing ourselves for those who may disapprove of our existence. 

To anyone out there, feeling alone and scared, Just know you are not alone. Just know there always will be people willing to have your back. Just know you are worthy of love, you are worth existing, and thriving.      When your Midnight  comes, know that dawn is not distant.  Even in the darkest of times, there is light, there is joy, there is internal peace.  

 Its the little things that bring me the greatest joy, love and hope. Its all those little things, that will make all the difference for us all.            

  "Here is the place where I fall into grace and release into the sweetness of your love.  I surrender, I remember the Light and the Beauty that I am."

This coming week is Standing with Standing Rock  in the festival of the Phoenix. I have chosen this particularly because there are a lot of really bad things in our history that we overlook when it comes to how the Native, first peoples of this land are and were treated. Thanksgiving  shouldn't just be about gratitude for what we have, it should be about protecting what we have, and doing better than our ancestors in how we treat others. Tribalism in this country is alive and well, and if someone isn't a part of our tribe we all easily overlook  the horrendous things we inflict upon those "others"  I hope that we will be wiser, Those people are not just fighting for their clean drinking water, or their sacred grounds, and allowing those things to be tress passed against will only hurt us all in the end.  Please, as you eat your thanksgiving dinner this week, be mindful of the history of how white settlers treated native populations, be mindful of how we have treated this land, abusing it with ingratitude, taking it for granted. WE can do better, and we must.  Beyond that my words and experiences are insufficient  for what this week is.